Octuplet Thoughts

I have been reading a lot about the birth of the octuplets in California. Frankly the very concept of octuplets boggles my mind. It has been sad to watch the nation turn from joy at their healthy births to anger and even hatred toward the mom when it became known that she is a single parent living at home with her mother. I am not angry at her. I am sorry for her. And I worry for her children and for her.

I love big families. I would have more children if we could and we may in fact adopt older children when our younger 2 are school aged. But as an experienced parent I see the amount of time children need from their parent(s) and I can not for the life of me figure out how this mom is going to do it. Looking at this as an outsider it would seem that there just aren't enough hours in the day for all that must/should be done. I hope there are systems in place to help her. Should the situation have happened as it did? I think most of us would agree no. But I wish that we would focus more on supports and making sure that these children have the best life possible than raining down abuse on the mom. Won't this make her afraid to ask for help if it is needed?

I understand that the health costs are being born by the state of California. And I am very cognizant of the fact that in these tough economic times that is not a great thing. But I get the sense that if this woman had been married and had the octuplets that there would have been less hue and cry over lack of health care and the subsequent costs to the state. The costs are there and maybe indeed safe guards should be put in place so that this type of situation does not arise again. I don't know. I am no expert on the in vitro fertilization industry.

What I do know is that in worrying about dollars and cents we are losing sight of the fact that there are 14 lives here, not just these sweet little babies, but their 6 siblings at home. And we should focus on that and how to help this be a home that is healthy and happy for them.

Valentines Day

Yup, we are some of the folks who celebrate Valentines Day. Not in the sappy hallmark way, and my giving K expensive jewelry for said holiday is in the long ago and far away part of our relationship! LOL It is now about making valentines, frosting cookies, planning a meal, making decorations and "mailboxes" as KC puts it. It is fun. It is slightly messy, but oh so worth it. Lissa finally agreed to decorate her Valentines this afternoon. She doesn't really love crafts the way KC does but she eventually decided she could draw something on each one of them. I am not sure if we had cookies decorated with frosting and sprinkles (this was Rob and KC's joint endeavor) or if we had frosting and sprinkles that were simply held up by a bit of sugar cookie! But they were cute and they had such a wholeheartedly good time doing it.

I love Valentines Day. Mostly because I think any day that gives us societal permission to honor and embrace love, is a good thing. We can each one of us decide how we will do that. It can be the way the marketing gurus wish, or we can craft something of our own that will show the love we feel. Option B as it were, which is what we do.

I love Valentines Day because although there is a myth that love cures all the ills of our adoptive children, it doesn't. But what it does do in my humble opinion is to give us strength and the courage to go on when the hard times are being faced. Love gives me the strength to believe that healing is possible, trust can be earned and built on. Love helps me believe that my eldest who has such a profoundly hard time understanding and expressing feelings, can feel our love, and can learn with time and practice to articulate his own feelings and not be overwhelmed by them. And tonight, I really believe that. He made all his Valentines on his own, without anyone suggesting or reminding him about tonight.

Furry Friend Thoughts

This is Blake! Yawning, lazy fur slob that he is! LOL Blake is a Brittany Spaniel. We got him when he was 3 months old. We were waiting for a puppy, our beloved Irish Setter having been lost to cancer in March 2 yrs ago. We researched breeds and decided that Brittanys had lots of the joie de vive of Irish but in a smaller package. We hoped this meant a Brit would be able to come camping with us (Feargus was a big Irish larger than breed standard at 92 pounds and coming to my waist in height. We had to board him whenever we went away as we couldn't fit all the kids and all our gear in the van)

Blake had a rough start with us. We had him only a week and he became very very ill. Turns out he had giardia which he had to have gotten from his previous owner as he had not been around any contaminated water in the 7 days we had him. We got a huge vet bill, the breeder refused to help with it, and we had a really sick little puppy. He dehydrated so badly that he needed hospitalization. Sigh. When he came home again almost a week later, he had to get used to our home all over again. Much like some of the children who come to our lives, he had been bounced a lot in his short life. Starting his life with sibs at the breeder, he was sold to a friend of said breeder and taken around the show circuit while she showed other dogs. The new owner was a college girl whose family subsequently experienced a marital breakup. With mom and dad divorcing, no one wanted to take Blake while the daughter went to school. Blake was returned to his breeder where he lived for a few weeks again sharing a crate with a sibling. The breeder tried to find someone else who wanted a "show" dog. With no takers she then turned to us, people who had registered with her as wanting a dog for a pet. We bring him home, begin bonding, he goes to the vets. Returns home to us but it is almost like starting over. Sort of like going from foster home to foster home and it showed in his behavior.

First off, he had no idea of our family expectations. He worked very hard to learn them. I have to say, he is a very VERY smart dog. Secondly, he was "anxiously attached." He hated being left alone. He would chew anything in sight, when left alone. His bedding, his wire crate, you name it. He would bark so much that he required a no bark collar for the times when we could not be in the same room as him. Because he was not reliably house broken and we had 2 small children, we didn't allow him anywhere but the kitchen for the first few months. We have a large rambly house and the kitchen has a door right outside for quick potty runs.


At the time we were going through all this it totally seemed like the wrong thing to do. Elizabeth was still an infant, and a fretful one at that. KC was only 3 and training a dog was just one more thing. We also had gotten a kitten (I know, I know, where are our brains anyhow!) just a few weeks prior.

But you know, it worked out. Blake house trained very quickly, in large part because this time around we really knew what we were doing. With Feargus we were feeling our way more and it took him way longer to be reliable in the house.

We also did a lot more obedience classes with Blake. It helped teach him he was not the boss, something Fearg always had a hard time remembering. It was a big investment of time (and money) but it helped not just with obedience, it helped with creating that solid bond you want between pet and family. It also helped us feel secure having Blake around the younger kids (though I really have a hard and fast rule that they can never be with our pets alone. It may be anal but I don't trust any animal or any child to be safe with one another when they are both younglings)

And over time, I have seen Blake become a very secure (um and slightly overweight) Brittany Spaniel. His even temperment has blended well in the family and while he doesn't have the perkiness of our former dog, he has a beautiful little personality of his own and I have grown to love that. He has decided that our cat Maui is a great playmate (Maui rides him occasionally!) and they wrestle often. Like our kids, he has built himself another family and enjoys it. OK I know it isn't an exact parallel to the traumas of kids who have been through foster care and multiple placements, but it did strike me that there really are similarities! Tomorrow I'll try to remember to post a pic of Maui and tell his story. There are some striking parallels for him as well.

Valentines Day prep

I have always loved Valentines Day. Kirsty used to hate it; convinced it was a holiday created by Hallmark Industries. Ah, the cynical view wounds my romantic heart to the core! LOL Actually Valentines Day isn't even all about romance in our house. Though I try to always do something special for my wife, I just love a chance to put up decorations and have fun.

This has been helpful this week as KC has had a cold and basically been icky sicky since Saturday. He has felt just well enough to be a nudge, not well enough to do much of anything. So having something new to pique his interest, well that was a very good thing. We worked on making Valentine placemats last night. The kids have only 2 left to do and they really are pretty. Foam with hearts stuck all over them in surprisingly well thought out patterns. I tend to stay out of the creative end; just sort of get the stuff out and see what they do, where they go with it. Sometimes they want input, sometimes they have an artistic vision. I have noticed that Robbie seems to learn a lot from KC's creativity. KC isn't always able to physically do what he can envision, but he can begin it and almost always articulate it which means Rob can then help if needed. It is a great thing for both of them as Rob never really had the kind of opportunities to foster creativity at the young age when it is most needed.

Tonite they put up a bunch of our paper Valentine decorations in our dining room. Fat Cupids are on the china cabinet doors and shiny hearts adorn the windows. I can tell who put up what based on the height of the decoration relative to the floor. :-)

They have been making Valentines for about 2 weeks now and have enough for the family all made. I need to get going on mine soon or they are going to show me up! One of our other family traditions is that all Valentines that we give one another are hand made.

I haven't decided what we will do for our Valentine party. But it will be fun. Hallmark won't make a penny off us but it will give us a chance to celebrate that which is best and brightest in our lives--the love we have for one another.

Of Logical Consequences

I try to parent with logical consequences being the result of the choices that our kids make. However this meets with mixed success. My middle guy doesn't seem to "get" that the results are a direct result of his choice. (i.e. he will not correlate that he gets sick because he gets chilled from not dressing appropriately. I can infer this from his behavior based on the fact that it happened over and over again till I finally decided it wasn't worth ME putting up with him getting sick and mandated dressing appropriately!) You can even have had discussion afte discussion about the correlation to help the kid see the connection. Nada. Zip. Zilch.

With my eldest I have the same issue. As an example, last week his boss called and said due to budget cuts he could no longer afford to pay Chet to work there. If he wanted to continue as a volunteer, he was welcome to do this as the issues were budget only and not (thankfully ) related to job performance. I explained this to Chet and told him to contact the elderly woman he carpools with and explain the changes. I told him she would likely hear that he had lost his job and not think to pick him up unless he heard from her. He didn't call.

Yesterday he got ready for work and stood in our front hall for 40 minutes waiting for a ride that did not come. He looked so forlorn it killed me. I asked if he had contacted his car pool lady and he said no. I told him we would go over again what he was supposed to say on the phone when I got home from work. I then left for work. I came home and we went over what to say to her. We role played it. Chet is um, weak in phone skills. Did you sort of figure that out from the tone of the post? LOL Ok so then he gets her number calls the elderly lady and says:

" Hi Ms. X, this is Chet WHY DIDN'T YOU PICK ME UP?" Sigh. Trust me, no where in the role playing and conversation was this one of the options we went over! So there I am wondering if I should grab the phone so the poor lady doesn't have a coronary or think Chet is mad at her. He wasn't, he just gets loud when he is feeling intense about something. She did say something to the effect that she heard he lost his job and that is why she didn't pick him up. She didn't know about the volunteering (which thankfully Chet did a better job explaining) and said she would confirm that with the boss.

We talked more after the conversation and he could see that what he said didn't come close to matching his practice runs, but he had a harder time seeing that his choice of verbal expression could alarm someone. Hmmmm, definately our telephone skills are a work in progress!

Of Counting Beans

I have thought and thought about my work situation of last week. And what I have come to is this: None of this is so much about the way I perceive my co-worker responding to me now. It is more about the fact that what my job really wants and needs is a good bean counter. And I am not always the best bean counter. Oh, I can count the beans, and speedily! And I have a great memory which is a huge asset in my line of work. And I can get beans, er people, to talk openly for some reason which is an asset when one is deciding which beans would be the most suitable candidates.

. . . but it is that "getting the beans spilled" as it were that is the crux of my dilemma. The reality of my job is that people talk to me a lot. And not really about things that just pertain to my role as a landlord. They talk to me sometimes because they don't know the area and don't have a friend and I am a reasonably approachable person. Sometimes they talk to me because they are afraid and they have no one to share their fear with. Or their joy. I like when people share their joys. Sometimes it is because I can speak their mother tongue and many other people can't and they are lonely. I have had people speak to me in portugese because they know i speak spanish. If I try really hard and they try really hard, we can usually make it work. I once had someone from Haiti speak to me in French. I hadn't used french in 25 yrs. I told him I didn't remember my french. He smiled and said "yes you do" and continued speaking in french. Somehow we managed to understand each other.

But being that open to people means they share a lot of stuff. The details of their operation. (don't even ask how many incisions I've seen!) Their marital woes, their pregnancies, their child rearing questions. People know i have 4 kids and if they don't have a happy relationship with their parents, or are adults who aged out of foster care, they look to me for parenting tips. Ideas for family friendly cheap times out. Shopping and cooking tips. You name it. And in there too are the "big" things. The people who share their issues of abuse. Their addictions. Or residency. Their stories of why they left their country of origin and risked things in a particular way.

I don't imagine really good bean counters hear those stories. Because they are too busy counting the dang beans.

I also know that if I wanted to, I could probably do something else with my life that would allow the skills that are such a double edged sword at my present job, to be an asset in a new career. I also know that many of the careers that this could translate to would never pay what a decent bean counter gets. Sigh.

Things I hate!

I feel like a pariah at work right now. Without going into detail much it is a really wonky situation. A current co worker also rents here. I have to do paperwork because we are federally subsidized. This year there are new documents I am required to get copies of. They reveal said coworker is not in the country within the guidelines which entitle them to live in this type of housing. They will have to move. This totally rots. This person is a good worker and isn't looking for a handout. We aren't even talking about obtaining a deep income based subsidy. The rules apply for everyone who lives on our property regardless of whether they actually get deep subsidy or not.

So Friday I had to notify my boss, meet with the coworker, and explain that he has to move. He is a good worker and his employment will not change because he works through an agency for us and isn't direct payroll. He is a good tenant too. Keeps a clean apartment, pays his rent, in all respects except the way he entered our country, he is the kind of person you would want to have working for you and renting from you. And now he and his 6 year old son will need to move. Because if one of the many agencies that review my files saw what I found in his background it wouldn't be just him losing housing, it would be me losing my job and others possibly as well.

Things are so awkward now. He doesn't speak much to me anymore, won't meet me eyes when I talk to him. I don't know if he is angry at me, ashamed of the situation or some combination of both. Sigh. Did I say I hate this?