Today I asked the kids to make cards and/or write letters to my mom. She lives two states away and is greatly feeling the impact of our inability to visit the way we usually do. She is getting on in years and has some aches and pains that are not unusual for her, but which I think feel magnified in this period of anxious isolation. I write to her by email twice daily and call several times a week but it is not the same. It is not filling her well with what she needs.
When I got home from work today all the cards had been made and they were all so beautiful. Cheery thoughtful loving messages that I know will help. KC in particular had written a lovely letter that also gave insight into how he was feeling--always a plus for a mom of a teen! He said that he thought she was feeling pretty lonely because this was hard on all of us and he felt that way too. But that he was trying to keep busy by staying connected with friends on line. And that he had been enjoying family dinners which he had really been missing. That he enjoyed games and movies with the family and that we would all get through this. That he could pass on what I have been trying to create and model for them here, gives me hope that they are absorbing this. I don't want them to be nervous and fretful. I also don't want them to be reckless with their health or that of others. But there has to be a middle ground where we live the life we have, the best way we can. Those cards give me hope that will happen.
Monday, April 27, 2020
Saturday, April 25, 2020
2020 The year the world was cancelled
Thus far in our state most of what was "normal" has been cancelled. There will be no dance recitals. No graduations. No proms. No church services. No non essential businesses open. No face to face banking. No proms. No school for the rest of this school year. (this probably impacts us the least as we homeschool) No Scouts. No encampment. No Coming of Age in person for Elisabeth. No work for my wife and my son until goddess knows when. Probably no camping as the campgrounds we typically use are only allowing RV campers among their many restrictions.
At different times, some or all of us mourn the loss of the normal. My wife had to drive to a store to do a socially distanced pick up of an order. The trip did not even involve exiting the car and my daughter begged to go. Weather hasn't cooperated for much outdoor walking as it has either been rainy, snowing or we have had high winds (high enough for warnings)
However I am resolute about making the best of what we have. /We have each other and are blessedly, very thankfully, healthy thus far. We have good music of many genres to listen to and lift our spirits. We have humor, books, games and time to enjoy each other more deeply than we usually do. We have family dinners and enough food to let us linger with enjoyment at the table. We have enough DIY projects in our old house to keep me busy for a loooong time. I have been organizing family game nights, movie nights, and with summer looking very different I am thinking of social distance fun that we can do. Bike rides, cooking supper over our fire pit to pretend we are camping, finding a drive in movie. (the 2 youngest have never been to one and what is more perfect social distancing than a drive in??) We are hoping to put in a veggie garden- we are checking the amount of light our fairly shady yard gets. (I don't think the community garden will be open this year) We are keeping a journal of what this time is like. We are being careful with spending because it is so unclear how this will all play out financially.
I try not to worry, but of course it creeps in from time to time. I find myself worrying for my kids who should be stretching their wings and trying new things and instead are hunkered at home. I worry that this will be a long term life change and not a blip on the time line. I have one confirmed case of Covid-19 that I know of in the apartment community where I work. Due to social distancing and the precautions our staff has taken for a long time I am not worried that I will contract this at work. But at some level I worry about either my wife or I contracting it because we are over 60 which places us in the lower end of the high risk zone.
But worry can not and must not consume us. Life still must be lived because that is the way we cherish our days, and make memories to sustain us. Tonight we are buying movie popcorn from a local theater and having a family movie night at home. Be safe everyone! Make memories! Live as fully as you can.
At different times, some or all of us mourn the loss of the normal. My wife had to drive to a store to do a socially distanced pick up of an order. The trip did not even involve exiting the car and my daughter begged to go. Weather hasn't cooperated for much outdoor walking as it has either been rainy, snowing or we have had high winds (high enough for warnings)
However I am resolute about making the best of what we have. /We have each other and are blessedly, very thankfully, healthy thus far. We have good music of many genres to listen to and lift our spirits. We have humor, books, games and time to enjoy each other more deeply than we usually do. We have family dinners and enough food to let us linger with enjoyment at the table. We have enough DIY projects in our old house to keep me busy for a loooong time. I have been organizing family game nights, movie nights, and with summer looking very different I am thinking of social distance fun that we can do. Bike rides, cooking supper over our fire pit to pretend we are camping, finding a drive in movie. (the 2 youngest have never been to one and what is more perfect social distancing than a drive in??) We are hoping to put in a veggie garden- we are checking the amount of light our fairly shady yard gets. (I don't think the community garden will be open this year) We are keeping a journal of what this time is like. We are being careful with spending because it is so unclear how this will all play out financially.
I try not to worry, but of course it creeps in from time to time. I find myself worrying for my kids who should be stretching their wings and trying new things and instead are hunkered at home. I worry that this will be a long term life change and not a blip on the time line. I have one confirmed case of Covid-19 that I know of in the apartment community where I work. Due to social distancing and the precautions our staff has taken for a long time I am not worried that I will contract this at work. But at some level I worry about either my wife or I contracting it because we are over 60 which places us in the lower end of the high risk zone.
But worry can not and must not consume us. Life still must be lived because that is the way we cherish our days, and make memories to sustain us. Tonight we are buying movie popcorn from a local theater and having a family movie night at home. Be safe everyone! Make memories! Live as fully as you can.
Monday, April 20, 2020
The Day of Celebration
The 17th was KC's 16th birthday and he had a wonderful day. Despite the challenges of Covid-19 we were able to give him an amazing day. It started with his favorite breakfast--home made cinnamon buns. KC is the kind of kid who understands that the fact that I took the day off from work so that I could make them for him is a gift in itself.
At 11:30 the folks I work with paraded by honking horns, with balloons and posters wishing him a happy birthday. KC does not know all of those people but he was very shocked and touched that they did this for him.
At around 1, a close family friend drove by, played Happy Birthday on their car stereo and had a birthday poster for him signed by all the family members.
At 2, a caravan of more than 11 cars drove by honking and waving. More posters, more joy. Many of the cars held friends from dance and youth group. A number were adults that care deeply about him. People from church, and his godparents. Some of these people drove more than 30 minutes to get to our house so that they could do this for him. That measure of love and caring was not lost on him.
Later that evening we had our family party. The dining room was decorated with a broadway theme. Home made decorations that he loved, his favorite meal, and a delicious home made cake. He got some great gifts--money from K and I, his aunt and grandfather and grandmother and from Chet. These funds are to purchase a fancy light and fan combo that he wants for his bedroom. Rob gave him running shoes and a record player and his first vinyl. It was definately a day filled with love. In his thank you note he wrote to us that he had thought it was going to be a depressing day but it was so much more than he could have imagined.
He too, is so much more than any of us could have imagined. He is such a gift.
Saturday, April 18, 2020
The Post I've needed to write
One thing about life in the time of Covid-19 is that I have a lot more time to write. That is a good thing I guess as it gives me time to examine my thoughts more fully and well, people can read or not. The scroll on by feature of the internet saves anyone who finds this dull!
About 4 months ago I got a call from Fiona's DMH worker. Because Fiona's case was finally being transferred to our area where she has lived for many years now, this somehow also triggered re-doing her guardianship. I remain confused by that as the guardianship paperwork all said it was permanent and we always treated it as such, but I also felt it was not fair to argue. The reason was the worker had asked Fiona if she wanted me to continue being her guardian or not. Fiona said she would rather that her cousin N become her guardian.
Back story is that in the perfect storm of relationships, Fi had earlier in that week asked me for money she did not have to buy a brand new iphone. I had explained she could save for it and I would help her work out a plan but that we could not just go buy a phone. She had then asked if I could give her money for her birthday and Christmas early so that she could go buy the phone. I had explained that we celebrate on the day and not before and that even if I did that she would still be short of funds significantly. She had hung up in a huff. Conversations like that are not uncommon as she has a hard time grasping costs and savings. Usually this results in another call a couple days later when she is calmer and we are able to work out a plan. Except that this time before that happened, the DMH worker talked to Fi.
I have nothing against Fiona's cousin. She is a lovely person and in the past 5 years has become consistantly present for Fiona in ways that her other first family appear not to be. She is the person who helped me loc Lissa's hair and is a person I like and respect greatly. I did not feel that I could in all honesty fight against her for guardianship.She is competant and would have Fiona's best interests at heart. It also goes against everything I beleive in to try and shut out first family members by fighting this. I explained this to the DMH worker who initially asked if I would consider co-guardianship. I said I would not, because I know that there was a strong risk of two problems developing. The first would be Fiona's natural desire to play us off against each other. You know how kids don't like parent A's answer so they go to Parent B? I can so see this happening and neither N or I live closely or can communicate easily and quickly enough to prevent confusion from arising. Secondly, I just deep down believe in the rights of first families. And I believe that Fiona has a right to choose. I told the worker that regardless of my legal standing, Fiona was my daughter in my heart and I would still be in relationship with her and did not see that changing. Worker said she did not expect my response and was grateful. I guess lots of people fight in these situations. I wrote a long text to N explaining my response to the DMH worker and we had a good conversation regarding things.
What I did not count on was Fiona. I knew she would be afraid to tell me, so I called her. I explained in detail to Fi that I had been informed of her wishes and that I respected them. I said I would still always view her as my daughter. That I had before I became her guardian and I still would feel that way afterwards. I said I would always love her and always be there for her the way I am for all my kids. It was a decent conversation but what I did not grasp was that deep down Fiona still has trouble believing that people love her. She has been rejected a lot in her life because her choices and behaviors make being in relationship with her hard sometimes.
As the paperwork and legal wheels ground forward on the guardianship change she became increasingly distant. I had a hard time connecting with her. She cancelled visits, she called infrequently. She sometimes did not return my calls or texts. When the guardianship change was finalized she ceased communication all together.
I kept trying to reach out to her. I sent bitmoji pictures (which she loves) I left messages at the group home. I tried everything I could think of. Then I sent a final text saying I did not want to make her feel pressured and that she needed to know that I was always here when she wanted to talk. That she would always be my daughter and part of the family.
A bunch of weeks went by with no contact. I felt so down about this that I could not even write about it. I tried many times, thinking it would be cathartic. But it just made me feel like I was writing a post that should be titled Parenting Fail-Loser Alert. I don't want our relationship to be a failure. Fi's been my daughter of my heart since she was 9 and she is now 27 That is a lot of years of love, and laughter, tears and worry.
Yesterday afternoon, she called. She said she was sorry. That she loved me. That she wanted a relationship with me, and with the kids. It was a good conversation. She seemed able to hear me saying that I loved her and that I wanted to always be there for her. She wanted to talk to KC and wish him happy birthday. I hope it was the beginning of finding the road that walks her back to us. I hope that she will feel that it is safe to love and hear me when I say that I am not leaving her.
About 4 months ago I got a call from Fiona's DMH worker. Because Fiona's case was finally being transferred to our area where she has lived for many years now, this somehow also triggered re-doing her guardianship. I remain confused by that as the guardianship paperwork all said it was permanent and we always treated it as such, but I also felt it was not fair to argue. The reason was the worker had asked Fiona if she wanted me to continue being her guardian or not. Fiona said she would rather that her cousin N become her guardian.
Back story is that in the perfect storm of relationships, Fi had earlier in that week asked me for money she did not have to buy a brand new iphone. I had explained she could save for it and I would help her work out a plan but that we could not just go buy a phone. She had then asked if I could give her money for her birthday and Christmas early so that she could go buy the phone. I had explained that we celebrate on the day and not before and that even if I did that she would still be short of funds significantly. She had hung up in a huff. Conversations like that are not uncommon as she has a hard time grasping costs and savings. Usually this results in another call a couple days later when she is calmer and we are able to work out a plan. Except that this time before that happened, the DMH worker talked to Fi.
I have nothing against Fiona's cousin. She is a lovely person and in the past 5 years has become consistantly present for Fiona in ways that her other first family appear not to be. She is the person who helped me loc Lissa's hair and is a person I like and respect greatly. I did not feel that I could in all honesty fight against her for guardianship.She is competant and would have Fiona's best interests at heart. It also goes against everything I beleive in to try and shut out first family members by fighting this. I explained this to the DMH worker who initially asked if I would consider co-guardianship. I said I would not, because I know that there was a strong risk of two problems developing. The first would be Fiona's natural desire to play us off against each other. You know how kids don't like parent A's answer so they go to Parent B? I can so see this happening and neither N or I live closely or can communicate easily and quickly enough to prevent confusion from arising. Secondly, I just deep down believe in the rights of first families. And I believe that Fiona has a right to choose. I told the worker that regardless of my legal standing, Fiona was my daughter in my heart and I would still be in relationship with her and did not see that changing. Worker said she did not expect my response and was grateful. I guess lots of people fight in these situations. I wrote a long text to N explaining my response to the DMH worker and we had a good conversation regarding things.
What I did not count on was Fiona. I knew she would be afraid to tell me, so I called her. I explained in detail to Fi that I had been informed of her wishes and that I respected them. I said I would still always view her as my daughter. That I had before I became her guardian and I still would feel that way afterwards. I said I would always love her and always be there for her the way I am for all my kids. It was a decent conversation but what I did not grasp was that deep down Fiona still has trouble believing that people love her. She has been rejected a lot in her life because her choices and behaviors make being in relationship with her hard sometimes.
As the paperwork and legal wheels ground forward on the guardianship change she became increasingly distant. I had a hard time connecting with her. She cancelled visits, she called infrequently. She sometimes did not return my calls or texts. When the guardianship change was finalized she ceased communication all together.
I kept trying to reach out to her. I sent bitmoji pictures (which she loves) I left messages at the group home. I tried everything I could think of. Then I sent a final text saying I did not want to make her feel pressured and that she needed to know that I was always here when she wanted to talk. That she would always be my daughter and part of the family.
A bunch of weeks went by with no contact. I felt so down about this that I could not even write about it. I tried many times, thinking it would be cathartic. But it just made me feel like I was writing a post that should be titled Parenting Fail-Loser Alert. I don't want our relationship to be a failure. Fi's been my daughter of my heart since she was 9 and she is now 27 That is a lot of years of love, and laughter, tears and worry.
Yesterday afternoon, she called. She said she was sorry. That she loved me. That she wanted a relationship with me, and with the kids. It was a good conversation. She seemed able to hear me saying that I loved her and that I wanted to always be there for her. She wanted to talk to KC and wish him happy birthday. I hope it was the beginning of finding the road that walks her back to us. I hope that she will feel that it is safe to love and hear me when I say that I am not leaving her.
Friday, April 17, 2020
KC's Birthday
I made home made cinnamon buns for breakfast--I suppose I could have included a pic of the nearly empty pan as those went FAST and we are going to see whatever movie he wants later today or this evening. We are ordering out for supper and will have home made cake and his party then.
The bottom line is that we can choose to celebrate or we can choose to be sad. We choose to celebrate KC and all that is amazing and joyful and full of promise!
Thursday, April 16, 2020
5 Crowns Night
We had a family game night again on Tuesday night. It was a lot of fun. I do love that all the kids are willing to play, even if it is not their favorite game that night. Tuesday we played 5 Crowns which is a rummey-esque kind of game with a few twists. When Chet was a middle schooler it was his favorite game. I think next to Magic (which I will not play) it remains his favorite game.
Playing in the evening is a bit hard for Chet as he is even less socially adept but we have been able to get through about 90 minutes of game time in the evening once a week. I balance his desire for routine with the fact that life can get so dull in quarentine that changing something up a bit spontaneously has a valid benefit to the majority of family members.
Though KC really did not love this particular game (I had not realized that he has never played rummy) he is a good sport and so ready with funny quips that it all worked out well. Elisabeth has played rummy before and caught on quickly. But it was Rob who won the game. I am glad that it has also been a different kid that has won each week thus far. Even more than that, I am grateful that for 90 minutes we all forgot all the scary stuff around us and just concentrated on each other, on love and on laughter.
Playing in the evening is a bit hard for Chet as he is even less socially adept but we have been able to get through about 90 minutes of game time in the evening once a week. I balance his desire for routine with the fact that life can get so dull in quarentine that changing something up a bit spontaneously has a valid benefit to the majority of family members.
Though KC really did not love this particular game (I had not realized that he has never played rummy) he is a good sport and so ready with funny quips that it all worked out well. Elisabeth has played rummy before and caught on quickly. But it was Rob who won the game. I am glad that it has also been a different kid that has won each week thus far. Even more than that, I am grateful that for 90 minutes we all forgot all the scary stuff around us and just concentrated on each other, on love and on laughter.
Sunday, April 12, 2020
Covid Easter 2020
On the plus side, Rob was home for Easter dinner which has not happened in several years. The restaurant where he works is always open on Easter, they are known for an amazing brunch--we actually went last year. This year I did not want him to have to cook. I also did not want my wife to cook, because she has been doing a lot of kitchen duty during the Time of Covid. She is not working much outside the home and I am still working so it has just naturally evolved.
I resolved this by doing something sort of hybrid. I ordered them all dinner from a restaurant where I could pick it up curbside. There was beef for the beef eaters, chicken for the chicken eater and since I never got around to doing my quinoa and veggie bake, I just ate off the sides. There was an amazing gigantic salad that I had two helpings of, seasoned rice and broccoli. We had home made parker house rolls, and Elisabeth made cupcakes decorated to look like bunnies for dessert. The table was pretty, there was laughter and the memories will hopefully be good ones. That has been what I have worked hard on during this time of uncertainty and worry.
Sending bright blessings and healthful energies to all as we work our way through this scary time.
Sunday, April 5, 2020
Sunday thoughts
I read or listen to the news only once daily, and try never to hear the White House briefings. I do listen to our state governor as I respect him and feel that he is doing a very good job in very challenging times. I am realizing that much of what I am missing are the small things that I took for granted. In my daily life I did not recognize the magical of the minute.
I miss going to the Dunk's on our way to church and getting the kids their "second breakfast" while I get a cup of hot black coffee. Yeah, I like my coffee black. And routinely my order would get messed up because I think most people order with cream and sugar. But seeing the familiar counter staff, waiting for the first sip of the hot brew while conversations swirled around me--I miss that. I can make coffee here. I do make coffee here. (and it never has cream and sugar in it LOL) but I miss those moments when I would chat with the kids about their food choices of the day and get their input on which donut their big brother would like most.
I miss going to the library. No lie, it was hard to fit in library trips this year. The kids had so many activities that sometimes I felt stressed getting there. I went mostly for Chet who likes to hold a "real" book, and who has all ready destroyed one Kindle. But even though it was stressful to get there, I loved seeing the librarians. Most of them have known my kids their whole lives and watched them grow. I loved the conversations. I loved wandering through the stacks choosing Chet's books. He is still able to read during the pandemic. We have a large collection here at home and he has adapted to using a kids Kindle that has parental controls that will hopefully help keep him from destroying it.
I miss sitting in the sanctuary at church. I usually sit in the same pew and there is a high window up to the left of where I sit. Our church has a very modern architecture. Frankly it is not a really pretty building. But I have spent years looking out that window as I meditate and listen to the music, the readings and the reflections. There is a single branch from a tree that goes across in front of that window and I watch the leaves bud, green color and fall off. I watch the clouds scud behind it on windy days. There are trees outside my windows here and I look at those too. But there is a sense of absence and loss for that particular time and manner in which I marked a time in my week for over 20 years.
These are little things. I know that. And my post is not expecting pity or pats on the shoulder. There are others facing much greater losses, and I hope that if I am truly blessed, losses such as these may be all that touch our family.
Rather, this is a reminder to myself. To never ever take for anything for granted again. To embrace all the small joys I am offered and to offer as many to others as I am able.
I miss going to the Dunk's on our way to church and getting the kids their "second breakfast" while I get a cup of hot black coffee. Yeah, I like my coffee black. And routinely my order would get messed up because I think most people order with cream and sugar. But seeing the familiar counter staff, waiting for the first sip of the hot brew while conversations swirled around me--I miss that. I can make coffee here. I do make coffee here. (and it never has cream and sugar in it LOL) but I miss those moments when I would chat with the kids about their food choices of the day and get their input on which donut their big brother would like most.
I miss going to the library. No lie, it was hard to fit in library trips this year. The kids had so many activities that sometimes I felt stressed getting there. I went mostly for Chet who likes to hold a "real" book, and who has all ready destroyed one Kindle. But even though it was stressful to get there, I loved seeing the librarians. Most of them have known my kids their whole lives and watched them grow. I loved the conversations. I loved wandering through the stacks choosing Chet's books. He is still able to read during the pandemic. We have a large collection here at home and he has adapted to using a kids Kindle that has parental controls that will hopefully help keep him from destroying it.
I miss sitting in the sanctuary at church. I usually sit in the same pew and there is a high window up to the left of where I sit. Our church has a very modern architecture. Frankly it is not a really pretty building. But I have spent years looking out that window as I meditate and listen to the music, the readings and the reflections. There is a single branch from a tree that goes across in front of that window and I watch the leaves bud, green color and fall off. I watch the clouds scud behind it on windy days. There are trees outside my windows here and I look at those too. But there is a sense of absence and loss for that particular time and manner in which I marked a time in my week for over 20 years.
These are little things. I know that. And my post is not expecting pity or pats on the shoulder. There are others facing much greater losses, and I hope that if I am truly blessed, losses such as these may be all that touch our family.
Rather, this is a reminder to myself. To never ever take for anything for granted again. To embrace all the small joys I am offered and to offer as many to others as I am able.
Saturday, April 4, 2020
KC is nearly 16
This guy is almost 16 and the party planning has had to be severely adapted. This was the year he was going to have the "big friend party" Either a restaurant gathering or a big gathering in the back yard with a lot of catered food, a bonfire and musical theater karaoke. Except of course, we can't He is good about the family birthday party and we will find ways to make his day feel special and for him to be enfolded in our love.
What is tearing him up though is the lack of dance. This picture was from last years recital. It was his lyrical dance which was one of my favorites. This year I don't even know if there will be a recital, and this year he earned the lead in the production. Costumes were chosen and purchased. It is a disaster. Is it as bad as being hospitalized with Covid? Of course not, and I am grateful beyond measure that thus far we all remain healthy as do my extended family.
But it is huge for him and for all the other dancers. For KC this is literally what he wants to do for his career. And at the moment everything that has meaning to him is on pause. 16 is a hard time to press pause. Your life is just launching in so many ways. We await a newsletter from the dance school that will let us know the direction that they are taking with regard to recital. I have my fingers crossed but I know he is very worried.
K and I asked him to choreograph short dances for he and his sister and perform them for us last night. He complained. Not much room to dance (true) But mostly I think it was the depression. We insisted and they did the dances last night and I could see how much it lifted his spirit. He becomes one with the music when he dances and all his feelings just poured out.
Today, shopping with a mask on and maintaining social distance I found myself silently invoking the goddess for our families continued safety. I do believe we will come out of this okay--I am an optimist by nature. But the worry is there. Such is life in the time of Covid.
Wednesday, April 1, 2020
Quiet midweek post
It is mid week and I have time for a blog entry! I have not had evening time like this since the kids were very little. After dinner tonight Elisabeth, my wife and I took a walk. We are helping Lissa train her dog Luna to walking. Truthfully, Lu naturally heels, most of the training involves teaching her that the world is safe to walk in. Which I realize is a bit of an oxymoron right now.
Numbers continue to rise for those who have tested positive for the virus. Preparations are being made in our state for the "surge" that is expected between 4/7 and 4/17 It is deeply unsettling to read about temporary mortuaries and convention centers being turned into medical facilities. However the flip side of that is that preparing ahead is wise, and perhaps, (hopefully) we are over preparing and some of these drastic scary things won't be needed as fully as we fear.
Meanwhile I will focus on family game nights, and dinners with laughter and washing hands.
Numbers continue to rise for those who have tested positive for the virus. Preparations are being made in our state for the "surge" that is expected between 4/7 and 4/17 It is deeply unsettling to read about temporary mortuaries and convention centers being turned into medical facilities. However the flip side of that is that preparing ahead is wise, and perhaps, (hopefully) we are over preparing and some of these drastic scary things won't be needed as fully as we fear.
Meanwhile I will focus on family game nights, and dinners with laughter and washing hands.
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