So my little sniffles have morphed into a full blown head cold. Blech. I hate head colds because inevitably I get a migraine from the congestion. Which I have today. It is a wear the sunglasses in the house kind of day. Sigh. I don't really like to take decongestants but I might make an exception in this case. . .
On the plus side, the HUGELY PLUS SIDE--Fiona is definately going to be here for Easter. I am so so excited. I think my wife is nervous. My goal is for Fiona to ultimately be able to be with us for every holiday and in most respects, Easter is the easiest to start with. First of all, we are pretty low key about it. As UU pagans, it is more a spring ritual than anything else. Second of all there is not a lot of candy involved. The weekend will have decorating a bunny house made out of gingerbread as the centerpiece for dinner. We decorate eggs. I make special buns for Easter morning that she can help with if she wishes. Usually the kids like to do this as we make them in the shape of bunnies. Easter morning there is a clue hunt and then we go to church where she can help me with the RE program activities. We come home and there is dinner and time for a walk weather permitting, or family games.
I firmly believe in the very core of my being that being in an institution with people who are paid to care for her is not the best place for her at a holiday. I know that sometimes it is necessary. Many holidays are trauma triggers for her, but hopefully bit by bit, we can work our way through-under-over-past the challenging behaviors that sometimes result. Like my Chet, Fiona is aware of what she misses due to her behavioral limitations. She sees that she is at the Great School when many of the students go home for the holidays. It is a constant reminder that her family dynamic is different. I think it makes her feel that her connection to us is more tenuous and I want her to see that it is strong. That we are in there for the long haul, that we love her. I think it starts with Easter. Which is also totally appropriate as Ostara marks new beginnings for us pagan folks.
Saturday, March 9, 2013
Friday, March 8, 2013
Fiona is restrained
I should know today which weekend Fiona is staying overnight. That is good news. Unfortunately, she also had to be restrained yesterday, which is the bad news. I worry so much for her. The Great School in the City does not do the kind of restraining that I know happens in other facilities. And they have lots of other options that go into play first. Students can go to their own room, go to a staff member, go to one of the myriad time out spaces (which are so cool my other kids all want to play in them when we visit) go to the expressive arts area, meet with their counselor etc. I am honestly probably forgetting some of the ways that they try to help kids handle their big feelings. They also know that restraining does not emotionally help Fiona at all. If I held KC or Lissa or Rob and prevented them from doing something, they would struggle briefly and then fold in against me into a hug. For Fiona and for Chet, restraining triggers deep, primal fears so it is something to be done only when the risk to others or themselves is very high.
The school will still let us plan the overnight as we had been. We don't need to postpone at this point. Jane and I have been working on some different ideas of how long and in what ways Fiona can work to earn the overnights. The original goal set by the school was 30 consecutive safe days. She did do that once. More typically, she can make 3 weeks but not 4. I think the school thought that if you could do 3 weeks, maybe we could help her grow to 4 weeks. Not working quite that well. This month, Jane and I privately agreed to the 3 week idea and that is how she earned the visit. Fi has such little sense of time that 3 wks is the same as 4 to her. I suggested an 80 per cent of the month safe behavior goal. This would mean that if she had a restraint or a problem it was not starting over at the beginning, just making sure that there were as few as possible. I think for kids that have t rouble self regulating that lots of consecutive days of anything are incredibly difficult.
But it makes me worry for the future. I know that other places are not as elastic in their thinking as the Great School is. I strongly suspect that just about any group home we find will not put up long with the type of behavior that Fiona exhibits when stressed and dysregulated. Since when raging she is also strong enough to throw a 220 pound male off her, puts a certain level of fear into the equation for anyone working with her in those situations as well. I don't want her to wind up in a jail cell. I don't want her to be homeless. I don't want her to be in a state hospital. And yet, I know any or all of those scenarios could ultimately play out for her. It all feels so random and I feel incredibly ineffective.
The school will still let us plan the overnight as we had been. We don't need to postpone at this point. Jane and I have been working on some different ideas of how long and in what ways Fiona can work to earn the overnights. The original goal set by the school was 30 consecutive safe days. She did do that once. More typically, she can make 3 weeks but not 4. I think the school thought that if you could do 3 weeks, maybe we could help her grow to 4 weeks. Not working quite that well. This month, Jane and I privately agreed to the 3 week idea and that is how she earned the visit. Fi has such little sense of time that 3 wks is the same as 4 to her. I suggested an 80 per cent of the month safe behavior goal. This would mean that if she had a restraint or a problem it was not starting over at the beginning, just making sure that there were as few as possible. I think for kids that have t rouble self regulating that lots of consecutive days of anything are incredibly difficult.
But it makes me worry for the future. I know that other places are not as elastic in their thinking as the Great School is. I strongly suspect that just about any group home we find will not put up long with the type of behavior that Fiona exhibits when stressed and dysregulated. Since when raging she is also strong enough to throw a 220 pound male off her, puts a certain level of fear into the equation for anyone working with her in those situations as well. I don't want her to wind up in a jail cell. I don't want her to be homeless. I don't want her to be in a state hospital. And yet, I know any or all of those scenarios could ultimately play out for her. It all feels so random and I feel incredibly ineffective.
Thursday, March 7, 2013
My mom's new boyfriend
I am not sure why I titled the last post about Fiona's pending visit "wintry weather!" We will have to blame it on the little head cold that my darling children have shared with me for that bit of brain fog. LOL I have been meaning to write about my mom for awhile though.
Mom has been married twice. She and my actual father--the guy who is nowhere in my life--divorced when I was 19 I never thought my mom would remarry. She was very deeply in love and had no idea that the marriage was foundering so badly. Many years went by and when Chet was about 2 she met the man she would marry. She actually had known him for many years, but they had not had a romantic relationship. He was a widowed retired UU minister. They dated and in short order, Kirsty was sewing my mom's wedding dress, Chet was lighting the chalice at a wedding and they were off to their life in Maine.
Years passed and there was a very significant age gap between the two of them. Ken passed away about 3 or 4 years ago, having lived a long life well into his 90s. He was an amazing grampa to my kids and they all knew him and loved him very much.
More time passed. Mom had one gentleman that she met at church and they dated for over a year before he unexpectedly ended things. My kids had met him and liked him too. Then after he moved on, and a little bit of time passed, Mom met Griff. They hit things off well and yet this time she was almost shy about us meeting him. She voiced concerns that the kids would not like him. Which was weird to me. My kids just are not like that unless the guy is a true troll!
Finally she brought him home here for Christmas (our roles do reverse at a certain time in our lives don't they?) and we all had a great time together. He is warm, intelligent, funny and obviously smitten with Mom. Mom really likes smitten. LOL
A couple weeks ago she wrote to me that she was reorganizing her study. Mom has kept that study inviolate since Ken passed. It is filled with stuff she.does.not.need. But will not part with or move. Do not ask me how I know this. It is a fact. I jokingly wrote back and asked her if she was moving her pencil cup from the left side of thehumungous and overly large desk to the other. She wrote back that she had to make room for G's technology equipment becuase he was moving in. And were we upset about that?
KC had all ready asked after Yule if G was now his "Grampa in law" so clearly he intuitively picked up on the closeness between his nana and her man. G, upon moving in, graciously asked KC to decide what he wanted to call him. KC said "why Grampa G of course!"
I think it is wonderful. They cook together, they are both in fairly good health and enjoy similar activities, I can see nothing to be upset about. Unfortunately one of G's children does not feel the same way, but two of the kids like my mom and have been warm and welcoming. I told mom that she wasn't moving in with any of the children and just to focus on G and herself. If the daughter sees that her dad is truly happy, likely in time she will come round.
Mom has been married twice. She and my actual father--the guy who is nowhere in my life--divorced when I was 19 I never thought my mom would remarry. She was very deeply in love and had no idea that the marriage was foundering so badly. Many years went by and when Chet was about 2 she met the man she would marry. She actually had known him for many years, but they had not had a romantic relationship. He was a widowed retired UU minister. They dated and in short order, Kirsty was sewing my mom's wedding dress, Chet was lighting the chalice at a wedding and they were off to their life in Maine.
Years passed and there was a very significant age gap between the two of them. Ken passed away about 3 or 4 years ago, having lived a long life well into his 90s. He was an amazing grampa to my kids and they all knew him and loved him very much.
More time passed. Mom had one gentleman that she met at church and they dated for over a year before he unexpectedly ended things. My kids had met him and liked him too. Then after he moved on, and a little bit of time passed, Mom met Griff. They hit things off well and yet this time she was almost shy about us meeting him. She voiced concerns that the kids would not like him. Which was weird to me. My kids just are not like that unless the guy is a true troll!
Finally she brought him home here for Christmas (our roles do reverse at a certain time in our lives don't they?) and we all had a great time together. He is warm, intelligent, funny and obviously smitten with Mom. Mom really likes smitten. LOL
A couple weeks ago she wrote to me that she was reorganizing her study. Mom has kept that study inviolate since Ken passed. It is filled with stuff she.does.not.need. But will not part with or move. Do not ask me how I know this. It is a fact. I jokingly wrote back and asked her if she was moving her pencil cup from the left side of the
KC had all ready asked after Yule if G was now his "Grampa in law" so clearly he intuitively picked up on the closeness between his nana and her man. G, upon moving in, graciously asked KC to decide what he wanted to call him. KC said "why Grampa G of course!"
I think it is wonderful. They cook together, they are both in fairly good health and enjoy similar activities, I can see nothing to be upset about. Unfortunately one of G's children does not feel the same way, but two of the kids like my mom and have been warm and welcoming. I told mom that she wasn't moving in with any of the children and just to focus on G and herself. If the daughter sees that her dad is truly happy, likely in time she will come round.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
More wintery weather!
It looks like Fiona is close to having another overnight here and I am really happy about that. Jane and I were emailing yesterday and today trying to hammer out a date. It is either the weekend of the 23rd or the weekend of the 30th. I think it would be really neat if she was here over Easter. One of the things that is important to me is keeping her geographically close enough that normal festive times when families get together are doable for us.
My wife is a little worried that it might be too much stimulation for Fi and I am willing to concede that is a possibility. However, I am Madame Optimist and also think we will not know till we try. We don't have a run around like crazy people egg hunt here. We have a hunt but it is with clues. I could do Fiona's with pictures the way I do Lissa's. I always cook a nice breakfast and we go to church. Mid way through the service there is an egg hunt (also not a crazy one) for the kids and if Fiona is with us, I will volunteer to help with that and Fi could help me out there. That way she will not need to sit through the full service which I know would not be something she would enjoy.
Then we just go home and have dinner. If it is nice, we go for a hike. Given the weather lately that would be more like a snowshoe or something like that, so it is most probable that we will have indoor acivities. LOL I hope it flies. I am just waiting on a response from the team.
Monday, March 4, 2013
And along came the stomach bug
In about 10 minutes it is time for me to wake the troops to start our week. I am a bit nervous as yesterday KC woke me at 6:30 (which is not our usual Sunday waking time) and said he was really hungry. I promptly got up and made him breakfast. He ate and was then violently ill. Sigh. Strep, a viral infection hives and now the stomach bug? Clearly the planets are aligned and some dark cosmic force is working against me.
The violently ill part came while I was cooking breakfast for the rest of the gang and i had eggs, veggie bacon and mushrooms cooking on the stove. Thankfully by then Rob was up and i hollered for him to come man the stove while I tended to his brother. K, bless her, was still sleeping! However when the lucky woman woke she found that she was now nominated to take those of the clan who were still healthy to church. There was a festival after church that Rob was working at and that Lissa and Chet were excited about. It was not fair for them to miss out. Wife was not amused as Sunday morning is usually her time to kick back and do things in a house that is empty of the rest of us. But she is a good egg and saw the need.
Meanwhile, because KC has not had a lot of stomach things, he was very clingy. That whole sensation just totally freaked him out. So I finished reading aloud to him a cool book we have been sharing. It is called The Puzzlers Mansion and if you have a child who is interested in logic puzzles this is a great book. It has an entertaining story line but puzzles that you can solve along the way. Then I gave him my Kindle and he noodled around with the Thread Words game. I also downloaded Yahtzee onto the Kindle for him and we spent a considerable amount of time figuring that out. As is typical, he got the hang of how you use the technology before I did. But I was also in no rush, it was about keeping him quiet and killing time. LOL
So, cross your fingers that everyone's stomach is feeling fine today! I really need for spring to arrive and chase all the germs away that seem to have decided our house is the best place to hang out for the rest of winter.
The violently ill part came while I was cooking breakfast for the rest of the gang and i had eggs, veggie bacon and mushrooms cooking on the stove. Thankfully by then Rob was up and i hollered for him to come man the stove while I tended to his brother. K, bless her, was still sleeping! However when the lucky woman woke she found that she was now nominated to take those of the clan who were still healthy to church. There was a festival after church that Rob was working at and that Lissa and Chet were excited about. It was not fair for them to miss out. Wife was not amused as Sunday morning is usually her time to kick back and do things in a house that is empty of the rest of us. But she is a good egg and saw the need.
Meanwhile, because KC has not had a lot of stomach things, he was very clingy. That whole sensation just totally freaked him out. So I finished reading aloud to him a cool book we have been sharing. It is called The Puzzlers Mansion and if you have a child who is interested in logic puzzles this is a great book. It has an entertaining story line but puzzles that you can solve along the way. Then I gave him my Kindle and he noodled around with the Thread Words game. I also downloaded Yahtzee onto the Kindle for him and we spent a considerable amount of time figuring that out. As is typical, he got the hang of how you use the technology before I did. But I was also in no rush, it was about keeping him quiet and killing time. LOL
So, cross your fingers that everyone's stomach is feeling fine today! I really need for spring to arrive and chase all the germs away that seem to have decided our house is the best place to hang out for the rest of winter.
Sunday, March 3, 2013
Elderly People Like Words with Friends
Last night I was noodling around in social media. Rob's best friend found me on line and started chatting. He does this a lot. I think he is a pretty lonely kid. He is a few years older than Rob, but immature and socially "different" from most peers. He is often trying to chat with me and finds the most ordinary things of our life so interesting. He pines for platefuls of home made pancakes, or the impromptu parties that make up our life. Truly, you don't need a lot of money to have satisfaction. Our house is way less fancy, but we sure have fun.
I noticed that there is a game called Words with Friends on FB and it turned out that Drew plays this, so I asked him to teach me how so we could play a game. In a very pedantic and very detailed manner he walked me through. I had a little trouble figuring out how to get going, but we used to play Scrabble a lot when K and I were first together so I was confident that once I got the technology down, I'd be okay.
I had not noticed that there is a separate chat button for the game as opposed to the regular FB chat that he and I had initially been using. He drew my attention to it about 1/2 what through the game. I thanked him for this. Below is a summary of the ensuing conversation:
Drew: I thought you did not see that and I just want you to know all the features and tools of the game so you can have the most fun and be the most successful.
Me: Thanks! You know I am not always the quickest at picking up the new technology stuff.
Drew: I know, but I have to compliment you because you are doing a lot better than a lot of other elderly folks.
Yup, ELDERLY! You read that right. I almost fell out of the chair I was laughing so hard. After that, I promptly whupped that boys you know what and handily won the game! LOL
I noticed that there is a game called Words with Friends on FB and it turned out that Drew plays this, so I asked him to teach me how so we could play a game. In a very pedantic and very detailed manner he walked me through. I had a little trouble figuring out how to get going, but we used to play Scrabble a lot when K and I were first together so I was confident that once I got the technology down, I'd be okay.
I had not noticed that there is a separate chat button for the game as opposed to the regular FB chat that he and I had initially been using. He drew my attention to it about 1/2 what through the game. I thanked him for this. Below is a summary of the ensuing conversation:
Drew: I thought you did not see that and I just want you to know all the features and tools of the game so you can have the most fun and be the most successful.
Me: Thanks! You know I am not always the quickest at picking up the new technology stuff.
Drew: I know, but I have to compliment you because you are doing a lot better than a lot of other elderly folks.
Yup, ELDERLY! You read that right. I almost fell out of the chair I was laughing so hard. After that, I promptly whupped that boys you know what and handily won the game! LOL
Saturday, March 2, 2013
A birthday--and it isn't even ours!
He made a really cute poster decoration with everyone's favorite story featured. There is Oobleck, and fish, the cat in the hat, the lorax and the king and his stilts. There is also the girl who grew a flower out of her head featured. We are a pretty diverse crowd! LOL
Alas, today KC had a bad headache (please PLEASE don't let him be sick again. Cut us some slack here, goddess!) But Lissa and I soldiered on after dance class with the cake baking. We made a large sheet cake--took doubling my usual white cake recipe. Then when it cooled I cut it into this artistic rendition of the Cat's hat. :-) I made little foil wrapped cardboard barriers that we placed temporarily on the stripes to prevent the sprinkles from going where they shouldn't--more or less. I had a 6 year old helper, this was not about perfection.
After the stripes on the cake, Lissa said we should use "oobleck colored gel" (can you guess her favorite story) and write Happy Birthday. I was going to do one of his quotes but we went the more traditional route. We rounded out the celebration by having our usual Saturday supper of veggie burgers and fries with sprite served in fance wine glasses. Wine glasses were red and white too of course! LOL
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