Course Correction

 Saturday night I got a phone call from Rob who was in a difficult place.  Due to some spectacularly bad decisions he was in a very bad financial place that has legal repercussions.  Most of this week has been spent sorting that out and resolving the debts to other parties.  As a result of this, he will move home in the this month and regroup and regain his financial footing.

He is a hard worker and none of this is due to that.  It is, however, a result of his inability to say no to people, and to face hard things.  His choice when frightened or confronted with something he does not like has always been avoidance.  In this instance, avoidance equalled throwing away important mail and failing to discuss his crisis with us when it would have been much smaller and easier to assist with.

Part of what we will do during the time he lives at home again is work actively with him on budgeting.  Also on how to keep track of your spending--it seems like many young people, he does not look at who he has paid, just lives off what the bank says the available balance is. So if a creditor has not yet pulled a payment, and he buys something with "available cash" then a problem arises.

I told him when he moved out that if he needed his room back in the first 12 months it was his.  After that he could always come home, but he would take whatever room we could make available to him.  This is only 8 months in, so Elisabeth is bouncing back to her old room and is taking this with good grace.

I am sorry for Rob because I know this has to be  feeling like a step back.  I have told him it is just a "course correction" and that he will not be here forever. I hope it feels that way to him and that he continues to feel the love with which we are enfolding him as he works to resolve this. 

*Note: I wrote this post a week or so ago and forgot to post!

The Post I've needed to write

One thing about life in the time of Covid-19 is that I have a lot more time to write.  That is a good thing I guess as it gives me time to examine my thoughts more fully and well, people can read or not.  The scroll on by feature of the internet saves anyone who finds this dull!

About 4 months ago I got a call from Fiona's DMH worker.  Because Fiona's case was finally being transferred to our area where she has lived for many years now, this somehow also triggered re-doing her guardianship.  I remain confused by that as the guardianship paperwork all said it was permanent and we always treated it as such, but I also felt it was not fair to argue.  The reason was the worker had asked Fiona if she wanted me to continue being her guardian or not.  Fiona said she would rather that her cousin N become her guardian.

Back story is that in the perfect storm of relationships, Fi had earlier in that week asked me for money she did not have to buy a brand new iphone.  I had explained she could save for it and I would help her work out a plan but that we could not just go buy a phone.  She had then asked if I could give her money for her birthday and Christmas early so that she could go buy the phone. I had explained that we celebrate on the day and not before and that even if I did that she would still be short of funds significantly.  She had hung up in a huff.  Conversations like that are not uncommon as she has a hard time grasping costs and savings.  Usually this results in another call a couple days later when she is calmer and we are able to work out a plan.  Except that this time before that happened, the DMH worker talked to Fi.

I have nothing against Fiona's cousin. She is a lovely person and in the past 5 years has become consistantly present for Fiona in ways that her other first family appear not to be.  She is the person who helped me loc Lissa's hair and is a person I like and respect greatly.  I did not feel that I could in all honesty fight against her for guardianship.She is competant and would have Fiona's best interests at heart. It also goes against everything I beleive in to try and shut out first family members by fighting this.   I explained this to the DMH worker who initially asked if I would consider co-guardianship.  I said I would not, because I know that there was a strong risk of two problems developing. The first would be Fiona's natural desire to play us off against each other.  You know how kids don't like parent A's answer so they go to Parent B?  I can so see this happening and neither N or I live closely or can communicate easily and quickly enough to prevent confusion from arising.  Secondly, I just deep down believe in the rights of first families.  And I believe that Fiona has a right to choose.  I told the worker that regardless of my legal standing, Fiona was my daughter in my heart and I would still be in relationship with her and did not see that changing. Worker said she did not expect my response and was grateful.  I guess lots of people fight in these situations. I wrote a long text to N explaining my response to the DMH worker and we had a good conversation regarding things.

What I did not count on was Fiona. I knew she would be afraid to tell me, so I called her.  I explained in detail to Fi that I had been informed of her wishes and that I respected them. I said I would still always view her as my daughter. That I had before I became her guardian and I still would feel that way afterwards.  I said I would always love her and always be there for her the way I am for all my kids.  It was a decent conversation but what I did not grasp was that deep down Fiona  still has trouble believing that people love her.  She has been rejected a lot in her life because her choices and behaviors make being in relationship with her hard sometimes. 

As the paperwork and legal wheels ground forward on the guardianship change she became increasingly distant. I had a hard time connecting with her. She cancelled visits, she called infrequently. She sometimes did not return my calls or texts.  When the guardianship change was finalized she ceased communication all together. 

I kept trying to reach out to her.  I sent bitmoji pictures (which she loves) I left messages at the group home. I tried everything I could think of.  Then I sent a final text saying I did not want to make her feel pressured and that she needed to know that I was always here when she wanted to talk. That she would always be my daughter and part of the family.

A bunch of weeks went by with no contact.  I felt so down about this that I could not even write about it. I tried many times, thinking it would be cathartic.  But it just made me feel like I was writing a post that should be titled Parenting Fail-Loser Alert.  I don't want our relationship to be a failure. Fi's been my daughter of my heart since she was 9 and she is now 27  That is a lot of years of love, and laughter, tears and worry.

Yesterday afternoon, she called. She said she was sorry.  That she loved me. That she wanted a relationship with me, and with the kids. It was a good conversation. She seemed able to hear me saying that I loved her and that I wanted to always be there for her. She wanted to talk to KC and wish him happy birthday. I hope it was the beginning of finding the road that walks her back to us.  I hope that she will feel that it is safe to love and hear me when I say that I am not leaving her.

Sunday thoughts

I read or listen to the news only once daily, and try never to hear the White House briefings.  I do listen to our state governor as I respect him and feel that he is doing a very good job in very challenging times.  I am realizing that much of what I am missing are the small things that I took for granted.  In my daily life I did not recognize the magical of the minute.

I miss going to the Dunk's on our way to church and getting the kids their "second breakfast" while I get a cup of hot black coffee. Yeah, I like my coffee black.  And routinely my order would get messed up because I think most people order with cream and sugar. But seeing the familiar counter staff, waiting for the first sip of the hot brew while conversations swirled around me--I miss that.  I can make coffee here.  I do make coffee here.  (and it never has cream and sugar in it LOL) but I miss those moments when I would chat with the kids about their food choices of the day and get their input on which donut their big brother would like most.

I miss going to the library.  No lie, it was hard to fit in library trips this year.  The kids had so many activities that sometimes I felt stressed getting there.  I went mostly for Chet who likes to hold a "real" book, and who has all ready destroyed one Kindle.  But even though it was stressful to get there, I loved seeing the librarians. Most of them have known my kids their whole lives and watched them grow.  I loved the conversations. I loved wandering through the stacks choosing Chet's books.  He is still able to read during the pandemic. We have a large collection here at home and he has adapted to using a kids Kindle that has parental controls that will hopefully help keep him from destroying it.

I miss sitting in the sanctuary at church.  I usually sit in the same pew and there is a high window up to the left of where  I sit.  Our church has a very modern architecture.  Frankly it is not a really pretty building.  But I have spent years looking out that window as I meditate and listen to the music, the readings and the reflections.  There is a single branch from a tree that goes across in front of that window and I watch the leaves bud, green color and fall off. I watch the clouds scud behind it on windy days.  There are trees outside my windows here and I look at those too.  But there is a sense of absence and loss for that particular time and manner in which I marked a time in my week for over 20 years.

These are little things.  I know that.  And my post is not expecting pity or pats on the shoulder.  There are others facing much greater losses, and I hope that if I am truly blessed, losses such as these may be all that touch our family.

Rather, this is a reminder to myself. To never ever take for anything for granted again.  To embrace all the small joys I am offered and to offer as many to others as I am able.

It Happened and Chet Rocked it!

Who would have thought it?  I took a 2 WEEK VACATION!  The world did not end (though candidly I have had to go in early every day last week and likely next week in order to catch up!)  However, it was worth whatever extra work I need to do now.  We all had a fabulous time.

And the best thing?  The friends we went with had a blast too. There was zero squabbles.  There were 6 of their kids, and 4 of ours and everyone just got along. We shared a giant house with its own pool.  I was most worried about Chet as large groups can be over stimulating. And we were spending a lot of time in the Magical Place.  Theme parks also can be over stimulating.  However we brought sound reducing head phones for him to wear when things started to be too much for him.  He was resistant at first to employing them but eventually could see that they really do help.

I remain amazed at how accommodating D^sney is.  I brought documentation of Chet's status with us as I was concerned about his ability to maintain in a long line.  It turns out that there was a program whereby we could check in at a ride and be given a return time, allowing us to move elsewhere about the park, get a bite to eat, etc and then just return at the scheduled time.  Our friends have two children on the spectrum as well so we were all in the same boat and received the same accommodation.

I knew the other kids would have a blast and they did, in all the "typical" and expected ways.  It was also magical because Rob was able to be with us for the second week and I know that he hopes to move to the West Coast in the next year or two so this may be the last big family vacation with him. But watching Chet succeed at this, laughing and having a truly wonderful time--that is my great gift.  You need to understand that when he was little we could not even go to a small theme park (think Santas Village in NH or Story Land in NH) without horrible meltdowns.  I remember him biting me all the way to the car when he was about 8 because he was so overstimulated.   I remember being black and blue from being kicked.  Admittedly we did not have the correct diagnosis then, but the pain of not being able to share in a beloved parent/child experience was an emotional wound.  Now those memories will forever be outshone by two weeks of him laughing and having fun in ways I never knew he could.

First and Last Campout 2019

We left home to clear skies and lovely crisp temperatures on Friday.  This was a much anticipated camp out. Partly because in a strange confluence of events it was our ONLY camp out this year.  Partly because this camp out at a retreat center in Maine with friends from our church and a neighboring church is an important launch to the Religious Education year for my kids.

Chet had a hard time on the trip up.  He was more frenetic than is typical and Rob was unable to come with us.  That may have played a role in Chet's behavior because whenever you deviate from the expected routine, his behavior decompensates.

 Also, the retreat center has instituted some new policies.  Some of those meant that Chet could not assist as a "porter" carrying people's bags to their rooms and showing them the room locations.  However, I had prepared for this and reminded him over the past three weeks about how this had changed.  It was now a staff job etc.  So during the time he would typically help others, he and I played a variety of card games on the porch of the dining hall and watched the moon rise over the waters.

Thankfully we also took a long beach walk as a family as the weather was lovely on Friday.  (note foreshadowing for Saturday's weather!  LOL) We also looked for small to medium sized rocks oval and smoothed by the ocean.  My SIL is fighting breast cancer and she recently spoke with me about healing rocks at the center.  They are painted with images and sayings that make the visitors to the center feel loved and strong.  She had taken two and knew she had to replace them, as that is their policy. She does not do crafts and had offered to bring back her two rocks when she no longer needs them.  I offered to paint two rocks for her and she has chosen what they are to say.  I hope the goddess guides my hands as I am not the most clever of painters and this is important to me. 

We found a variety of rocks that we screen shot to her so she could choose the ones she likes.  We also wrote her a message in the sand and sent that to her.  Her prognosis is good but the road to health is going to be long and challenging.  Despite hearing "stage 1" it is still scary.  And due to family history and aspects of her cancer, she still has to have chemo and radiation.  She shaved her hair this Saturday and sent me pictures. We texted while I was at the camp out.  I hope it helped  and that she could feel my love and support even though I could not be with her that day.

Friday night was cold.  We definitely felt the icy fingers of Lady Autumn as we lay in our tents.  It was 45 degrees when we woke in the morning.  Thankfully I am a bit of a veteran to this camping gig and had packed well and warmly.  The kids had argued bitterly with me back at home when I was gathering warm things. I think on Saturday they realized that Ooma might still know a thing or two as we were more than prepared!  (laughing again)

The whole of Saturday was cold and rainy off and on.  There was a bit of beach walking and lots of game playing and talking.  You know, I could choose to be angry that my only camp out had cold temps or I could find happiness in time to read, and talk with friends and play games.  I chose the latter as did the kids.  Chet had lots of kids who wanted to play Magic the Gathering with him so he was set literally for the day.

Saturday night was the talent show and bonfire with singing and more conversation.  It was late when we got to bed but I woke early as usual and joined friends on the beach for a short yoga session.  My yoga has improved over the years.  My balance is still less than what i wish it was, but it is better than a year ago.  My new class, while not necessarily feeling like it physically challenges me, has taught me more flow of poses and a sense of searching for quiet inside myself.

Of course today, in the capricious way of things, the weather was warm sunny clear and lovely.  However we had also learned that KC's close friend just lost her dad very unexpectedly.  (car accident)  He was trying to support her long distance and feeling somewhat emotionally worn himself.  Rather than prolong our day, we broke camp and headed home.  I was missing my wife, and i also knew I had 8 loads of camping wash to do, the tent to set up again and dry when we got home etc.

And so, the rest of the day has been spent cleaning the equipment so it is ready for next year, doing laundry so the work week can start smoothly, and remembering the sound of the ocean when I lay in our tent these past two nights.  I will miss that perhaps the most I think.

It was the kind of camp out that left me feeling very connected to my network of church friends, and also very aware of the fact that fall is truly here.  I watched red leaves skitter across the sand as I walked the beach.  I saw brilliantly scarlet sumac and gorgeous golden rod.  There was no denying the wheel has turned!

Fiona's yearly meeting

Tuesday I attended Fiona's annual ISP meeting at her group home.  It has been harder for she and i to visit the past few months. She works on Saturdays now and Sundays we are typically at church till noon and then KC is back there for youth group about 5ish.  So we have been talking a lot on the phone and keeping in touch that way.  But nothing beats face to face so I got her a coffee and got there early enough that we had time to just chat.  Her cousin had said she was going to attend the meeting as well but did not come after all.  I worried that this disappointment would impact Fiona's ability to participate in her meeting but she carried on with aplomb.

And the meeting went so well.  Fiona struggles often to stay regulated and to express herself in ways that do not involve physical outbursts.  But over the past year she has made steady and consistant progress in this regard. She has also been able to save for several big ticket items--the first saving up over $700 to go and do a wardrobe re-do. The second paying for a new bedroom set on layaway which involved 6 months of steady saving--and also forgoing the more immediate and transient pleasures that she would otherwise use her money for.

She has a job, two shifts a week at a local college doing food service work in the cafeteria.  Best of all, she is more open about sharing what her dreams and goals are, what she does or does not want to do, and does not show a lot of the body signs that  previously signalled severe anxiety.

I know there are likely to be inevitable setbacks but overall, my girl is rocking it!!  I am so very very proud of her.

Love your children well

My feed has been flooded lately with stories on the tragedy of the Hart family car crash.  Or maybe I should say the Hart family murder/suicides? I can't wrap my head around any  of it.  Adoptees and former foster youth are rightly outraged.  6 beautiful children dead.  People try to explain it.  People I know and respect in the adoption community are highly polarized about this. So let me just say for the record that in my opinion there is no way that what happened can be logically explained.  It was cruel.  It was horrible.  Six innocent lives were lost. Adoptive parents should be outraged and angry. They should not be trying to justify what happened by the real or imagined challenges of parenting the children.

It does not matter to me if the kids had "issues."  They were still children these two women chose to adopt.  How twisted people like that were allowed to adopt baffles me.  I guess I ironically always thought that becoming an adoptive parent gave me a leg up on some parenting issues.  Not all of them obviously.

I didn't know nearly enough about the mental health issues that challenge my eldest.daughter.  I didn't know anything about aspergers and autism and how they would shape my Chet's views of the world and his interactions.  I didn't know nearly enough about institutional racism until I became a parent of black and asian indian children.

But that didn't mean I was unprepared for everything.  I remember all those homestudy meetings.  They were filled with hard questions that I really took time to wrestle with.  No one comes from a perfect background.  I spent a lot of time thinking about my childhood and what I would want to bring to my kids experiences and why I felt some things should not be replicated.  We talked about how Kirsty and I felt about key parenting issues--schooling, consequences for actions, and so much more. We talked about racism, parenting a child of trauma, disabilities.

Did I still have a lot more to learn?  Abso-freaking-lutely!  But I felt like I had spent so much time working on the basics that when the less usual stuff came up--mental health issues, behavioral challenges, I could focus on needs and solutions to those problems.  I wasn't juggling say autistic perserverations and whether or not I believed in swatting my kid on the tush. (for the record, I don't)
I kept reading, I kept reaching out, I kept connected with people who would understand what my kids need.  Note that I didn't say what I need.  Because taking care of my needs?  That should not be my big focus as a parent.  I see it as a continuim.  When my wife and I first got together we had lots of time to focus just on us. From 18 to 27 or so we were all about us. We deepened our bonds to each other. We had spontaneous weekend getaways, we made couples memories.

Then we adopted Chet and our lives changed.  Everyones lives change when they bring a child home.  Yes, ours changed more intensely given his diagnosis.   When he became a teen and his needs were less intense and we knew we had love and energies to offer other children we adopted again, several more times.  In each case, we gave each child who entered our family time to settle in.  We reflected and had lots of conversation before each adoption. We made sure we were still both on the same page. (for the record, I personally wanted to adopt once more when my wife said no. I respected her wish.  Knowing your own limits, what works for you as a parent, that is needed for everyone bio or adoptive.) It was never about having the most kids on the block (though we probably do) It was about how deeply we love children and parenting and kids that needed both of those things.

There have been wonderful times and hard times.  I wouldn't trade any of them.  And I am grateful every single day for the gift of family and my children.  As the years race by--KC will be 14 in mere days, Lissa is 11, I know that in not that many years it will likely be just me and my wife and Chet. The wheel will have turned again.

Hold your children close.  Remember the gift that they are, always.

Lunch with Fiona

Fiona has been struggling the past few months.  It has been hard negotiating the ups and downs of her mood swings, but last weekend we had a good visit.  She said to me that she finds it hard to visit home right now.  She wants to live here and can't.  To her,visiting here   feels like waving this in her face.  That is of course, not my intention. The goal of coming home to visit was to have healthy loving relationships with the family.  For a long time she has bought into my very genuine belief that what we are working toward is her moving to another less restrictive level of care.  I have repeatedly talked about how as kids get older they don't live with their parents.  They get their own place, or they have a room mate and share expenses etc.  It may help when I actually have one of my kids do this so that she can see I am not making this up!  Rob is close but still in college and not quite there yet.

However, despite her not doing well visiting here I wanted to do something to maintain connections so we went to lunch at a fast food chain of her choice. The food was fairly ghastly but the time together was fun.  There were selfies and laughter -- lots of laughter.  I wish I knew a better way to help Fi.  Her mental health challenges and her cognitive delays are kind of the perfect storm for behavioral challenges.  But since I can't come up with any better model than what I am doing right now, I am  glad we had time together to laugh, love each other and reconnect. This is Fiona and Lissa at the restaurant.

Coming home from church. . .

I've been meaning to write this for a while and time just keeps getting away from me.  A few weeks back we were driving home from church.  As I came up the main street of our city,  I saw a van by the side of the road.  The doors were open and on the side walk was a man with two other men doing something to him.  I could not tell if he was being beaten or if he had fallen and they were trying to assist.

I believe that we are not islands and that we need to work together to help each other in this world.  So unlike all the other cars flying by, I pulled over.  I got my cell phone out and proceeded to get out of the car to see what was up.

As I approached I could tell that the man on the ground was someone who is like my Fiona.  He was raging and the two men were using safe holds to prevent him from running into traffic or harming himself or others.  He was definately not being beaten.  I asked in a quiet friendly voice if everything was okay and they assured me it was.  So I just got in our van and and came home.

Something that surprised me was that my kids were terrified when I got out of the car so we had a long talk afterwards. I reminded them of my martial arts training. I reminded them that I had my cell phone out and on so I could call 911 if I had to. I explained that the cell phone and 911 was not just for my safety but in case authorities were needed.  If the man was having a seizure for instance.  If the staff could not calm him.  If it had been a robbery or an assualt, it is still important not to drive by, turn a head or walk away.

I also pointed out that I tried hard to use my senses calmly when I approached.  For instance, I noticed as I walked closer that the van was not a mini van like we have.  It was one of the full sized vans that many programs for people with disabilities use. Fiona's home has one. Her Great School in the Big City had a number of them. I looked at the postures and made eye contact with the people.

I have always stopped when I have seen someone who might be in trouble.  And as a general rule, people have almost always stopped for me when I have needed assistance.  But I was sad that my kids response (and this included two adult kids) was one of anxiety. We do live in a world where care and alertness is necessary but this must be balanced by our need to live compassionately.

Precious moments

I am increasingly aware that life is so very precious and that joy is often found most in the smallest of things.  Like the gladioli in the picture above.  We planted them last year and they did nothing.  Literally.  Nada.  We forgot about them.  And for whatever reason, a few of them decided to bloom this year.  Well, two to be exact. But they are stunning.  One is a deep fuschia and one is a paler softer pink. My grandmother loved glads.  Looking at these two on our kitchen altar makes me smile and feel her spirit close to me again.

Yoga class renews my spirit weekly.  I don't love yoga as much as I love zumba but at least it is an hour that I can give to my body.  To stretch, to bend and to take an hours pause in our busy life.

Laughter.  The silly jokes the kids make up these days. Some "cringy" as KC puts it; some surprisingly witty.  I cherish the time together as a family. As the kids have gotten older and involved in a wide array of different activities, time for all of us to be together is even more cherished.  I know that time comes ever closer when it will be just Chet, Kirsty and I again at the table.  This is how it should be and I am proud of their confidence-their friendships and their passions.

Fiona has been struggling greatly lately.  The outward symbol of her anger is my refusal to let her pierce her navel.  The reality is that a peer left the house and this is the deepest cause of her unhappiness. To her it is another example of someone succeeding in a way she has not yet.  It is hard to face that, so it is easier to find something to be angry about and someone to pin it on.  I did not actually say no to the piercing, but I did say we needed an okay from her doctor. But it wasn't a "yes, jump in the car, we gotta do this NOW!" kind of answer so she became enraged.

This is always the hard part with Fi. She goes from happy to enraged in a nanosecond.  She had literally had a wonderful time at home and called me when she got back to the group residence asking about the piercing.  Fi is prediabetic which makes her more prone to infection. She has also some issues surrounding self care and is not reliable about keeping a wound clean. So the lack of a yes has been the catalyst to spiral her into a very angry state.

I am not sure how to best help her with this.  She has decided that I am the root of all that is unsatisfactory in her life.  I am not willing to wear that cloak and have told her so.  Loving her and caring for her does not mean I can or will agree with everything she wants to do. She is entitled to her anger, entitled to her feelings of frustration.  I get that. I am trying to give her some space and hope that at some point, she will be in a place where we can talk things through but so far, nothing close to that is happening.

So I will look at my glads, listen to music that I love and breathe deeply.

Eclipse

The eclipse was a big deal in our house.  Although we were not in a path of totality we eagerly made eclipse viewing boxes with the kids. We all talked about the eclipse.  I was at work on the day of the event and our maintenance super brought up a welding mask so we could all look.  It was cool. I am looking forward to the next one in 7 years which will have a path to a state near us and where we could potentially see totality.

After having myriad conversations with the kids about not looking directly at the eclipse, why we don't look at the eclipse etc etc, you can imagine my shock when I watched our current president squint up directly at the eclipse while aides shouted to "put on the glasses."

In the grand scheme of things, if he chooses to damage his vision, it is not my concern.  What concerned me was what appeared to such oppositional behavior.  I have been to the oppositional rodeo a few times as a parent and it is not fun!  But for a leader with such huge responsibilities to exhibit such behavior is terrifying.

Summer musings

I have been reminded often this past season to live life deeply, and to remember that there are not always second chances. A tragic murder where I work took place.  A domestic violence situation that flared suddenly into tragedy with a young woman winding up dead.  Her life was snuffed out and many others were also forever damaged by this.  I remain forever grateful that long ago when my family member was involved in an abusive relationship, that she eventually fled.

It is not easy.  It took six years.  Six years of late night calls, tearful conversations and more.  I had given her a debit card with enough money for an emergency run to a hotel room if and when things ever got dangerous.  She would always assure me that things were never that bad, that he was sorry.  Things would change. She would change. He would stop drinking. Things would be better when he got a new job and was given credit for the amazing work he did.  The litany was endless.

I was very young- between 20 and 26 during the years this took place.  It used to make me so intensely angry.  I could not understand how she could let this happen.  How her love for this man could supplant what seemed to me just common sense.  I am a different person than she.  I am a martial artist. I absolutely would not for any reason stay in a relationship where I was afraid or had been harmed.

For me, the hardest part of those six years was staying in relationship with my sister while she stayed with the abuser.  Not that he tried to distance us, he didn't. (which is an anomaly in abusive situations.)  But watching her stay where she was unsafe, listening to the nonsense come from her about why it happened--those were the hardest things.  I would offer to pay for the divorce.  I would offer help in securing her own safe apartment.  I would offer to help get her a car so she could get a job once she was on her own.

And it still took six years.  With a persistant and steady family support, it took six years to leave. It wasn't about me.  It was about her believing she could do it.  Finally when her young daughter was threatened, she left.  I did what I said I would do.  She finished her education and got a good job.  Her life is different and she is alive today, a mother and a grandmother, and married to a man who loves her and treats her with kindness.

The fall out from this incident, and another in our city just a few weeks before culminated in a domestic violence vigil at the apartment community where I work.  Experts who can help those experiencing domestic violence spoke.  Many who know work as advocates have previously experienced the horror of dv first hand.  Their stories were chilling and yet they were also stories of hope.   At the end, under a nearly full moon, we lit tiny battery candles and placed them in the grass outside.  We sand Amazing Grace.  We said their names, so that they will not be forgotten, so that they will be remembered as more than that final act against their defenseless bodies.

I was very emotionally depleted by the end of the vigil on Friday evening.  But this weekend has been so healing and restorative.  Saturday I started the morning with yoga.  Then spent the day doing errands and chores.  I helped my wife with two of her cleaning contracts. And today, was just amazingly special.

As a two mom family, Mothers Day has always been about my wife.  I help guide the cooking and festivities to honor and celebrate all she does.  When the kids were very young, there needed to be help in making gifts, etc.  Now there is still coordinating that has to happen.  So long story short, we don't do anything to honor me on that day.

Instead, at some random date when we can get together, we celebrate Ooma's Day. And today was that day!  It started with tea and blueberry muffins in bed and continued with a hike up a local mountain.  There were gifts in there too, beautiful thoughtful gifts. But what I treasure the most was todays hike together.  We have not hiked much in recent years. My wife has some mobility issues caused by her frequent ankle breaks.  So it was really special to hike on a stellar weather day.  We noshed on the summit and then made our way back down the mountain to our car.  I feel restored, my well has been replenished and I am ready to face the new week.

Executive Director Response

I finally heard back from the executive director of the program that runs Fiona's group home.  He basically said sorry, no bunny and gee I am sorry that other staff misinformed you.  But hey on the positive side, don't worry because you should feel really good about the fact that we are putting steps into place so something like this won't happen again.

Oh yeah, color me ecstatic!  Not!!  I wrote back that I would like details on exactly what those wonderful step are going to be because I have absolutely no confidence in the program and no faith that when I get an answer from someone that I will be able to be confident it is a real answer and not just what they thought Fiona or I wanted to hear at the moment. I await additional response from him and also from the other agencies I have contacted about the way the program handled this.

What they don't seem to realize is that this is far and away about more than a bunny.  It is about the spiral they put my daughter into by breaking faith with her. She didn't just break her TV that she spent 3 months saving for, she also tried to self harm.  This is something that she only does when profoundly disturbed and it has not happened in over 2 years.  The fact that this level of despair was caused by and agency that is supposed to have her well being in the forefront of their decision making very much angers me.

I have no expectation that I can change the decision. However I can be a person who holds them accountable for the mishandling and that is what I intend to do.

Fiona's Thanksgiving

This Thanksgiving Fiona spent the holiday with her first mom J.  She wants to spend Christmas with us.  I am fine with this and had reassured her multiple times that I was more than okay with this.  We talked during the week and i wished her a happy thanksgiving early on Wednesday and asked her to give my love to J and the rest of the family when she saw them.  She said she would. She called me Thursday and we exchanged greetings.  All was well.

Friday morning we were bringing down our Christmas decor and putting away all the harvest decorations when Fiona video chatted me.  I was thrilled to hear from her but certainly not looking my best. I had gone out on Black Friday shopping and got home at 2 a.m. By 7 a.m. I was up and we were in the midst of the holiday home bustle.  I (ahem) had  not even gotten out of my jammies.  My hair looked like the wreck of the hesperus.  But I never refuse to talk.  Fi and I talked and then Rob and Fi, Then Rob and J.  Then J and I.  It was good conversation all round, my bad hair and pj ensemble not withstanding.  I was especially glad for Rob who later when we were talking said that his conversations with J are getting easier.

However, the bloom was off the rose so to speak by today.  I got a video call again from Fiona but this one said that she wanted to go back to her program.  Right then.  Immediately.  I explained that she was a long way away and that immediately was not an option but that I would reach out to the staff and make sure someone was on the way.  I was surprised she was still there as I had said that the visit should not be more than Wed. through Friday evening. (by evening back at her program)  My reasoning for this is that I believe Fi needs help in interpreting and charting her relationship with J as a young adult.  To stay too long would I feared lead to her magical thinking of staying there or trying to recreate fantasies that were not realized in her childhood.  It also is a lot to put on J for her to be there for more than the equivilent of a weekend. Fiona needs a lot of monitoring and doesn't typically do well amusing herself.  Left to her own devices she interprets a lack of constant attention as being ignored.

The latter is what happened.  I spoke with Fi tonight and she is still angry about the visit. She feels that extended family ignore her and don't include her.  My gut feeling on this is that they include her to the best of their abilities but that they are not disabled and some of her interests are not those of most regularly functioning adults.

We had a fairly good and very long talk about it all. She did admit that she thought she would just fit seamlessly into things going back for visits.  Once she had a chance to vent I tried to suggest to her that her cousins and even her sister have had years to develop other interests and just as she has shows and interests that are important to her, so do they.  She said she was angry that her sister Crystal does not want a relationship with J.  She feels that is unfair.  I said that part of being an adult was letting Crystal decide for herself what was right for her at this point in her life. It could change.  But it was not up to Fi to be the change agent. She had to focus on her own relationship with J and work on that being a healthy one.

I wish with all my heart that Fiona had a good therapist on board to help with this.  I feel vastly underqualified to sail these waters without professional support.  However she is on a waiting list for therapy due to her medical insurance and has all ready been on the list for a number of months.

Hopping On

Mid day Friday I was reasonably sure that the meeting about Fiona's proposed bunny had gone well.  I brought with me to the meeting a paper print out of the email sent to me when the group home house manager first proposed working on this.  I had circled the date, which was just over a year ago. It was immediately evident until I produced the email that this was going to be a brush off meeting.  However the tenor changed immediately when I showed the email and they took copies. The present house manager and the clinician both agreed that to recant on the promise would be seriously detrimental to my daughter.  We brainstormed ways to meet the need of Fi to have a pet and walk around the apparent no pet policy of the home.  The present house manager has a farming background and suggested an outdoor hutch.  I was on board provided they helped defray the cost by making the hutch in a woodworking shop used by some of the male participants in the facility.  (different house, but same overseeing agency)  They were fine with that.  I asked for an explicit accounting of my daughter's personal funds and am promised that I will receive this by the end of this week and that it will detail what the expenditures were.  I am sure that they were FOR her. I am also sure that intentionally or inadvertantly, deposits into the bunny fund envelope were not being made as schedule dicatated.  Fiona always asks staff before spending anything "this isn't from my bunny fund, is it?" and both the clinician and the new house manager admitted freely to this.

I will somehow scrape together money to replace the funds that were misspent so that Fiona would not lose this opportunity due to lack of cash.  I made this clear to the team that met with me.  We parted on what I thought were good terms.

Late Friday night when there would be no way to contact anyone I received an email. It was actually a forwarded email from the CFO who said it was unfortunate that the previous house manager had misrepresented the facilities policies.  He sited a number of reasons why it might not be possible to have the bunny and said I would not have an answer till Monday by days end.  The entire tone of his email is one of shock and like he heard this proposal  for the first time.

I didn't bring EVERY email to the meeting.  I brought the initial email.  Here at home I have the one detailing the house manager's conversation with the CFO and exactly what this person contributed to the discussion by way of a question he had wanted answered by me. The email clearly names the CFO and details the conversation the house manager had with him as well as the resulting query the CFO had for me.   I have also sent an email out to DDS informing them of the situation and the detriment that this scenario could have on Fiona's mental health and emotional stability.

Please stop playing, people.

Strength in the hard times

It's been a hard week.  A hard week for our nation where results show how divided we truly are.  Results that gave hate talk and injustice a seeming legitimacy.  It has been a hard week as a parent, navigating this morass.  I believe in sharing reality with my children but I also believe that we can't lose hope.  We have to believe--I have to believe--that love can and will ultimately triumph.  This is not the final decision and there is much we can do to share and spread love. Much we can do to protect the vulnerable.  We must step up and do this work.  I believe that the best of people is usually revealed in the worst situations.

On a personal level I have had a migraine for 3 days which is wearing my body and patience rather thin.  At this time of year I do more driving in darkness and the headlights are a trigger for me.  It is exhausting and I was too yucky feeling last night to attend a party that I had been looking forward to for a month or more.  End of personal pity party.

Then there have been ongoing changes and concerns at my daughter's group home.  We meet today to discuss the pet issue that had been approved by the previously approved is apparently not approved now.  Last night at 10:30 I also received a call from Fiona and an employee of the home.  Fi has been saving money for the bunny needs and had a budget and now all but 60 of the money is missing.  The group home worker and I are furious because Fiona would always ask before she spent money if this was coming out of her "bunny fund."  Fi can't read a lot and can't do math well; her budgeting strategies are using envelopes to save for things she wants and needs. She has done this several times successfully in the past, most recently saving for a large screen TV for her room.  Part of today's meeting will involve my asking for a full accounting of her expenditures from her spending money for the past 3 months. I will expect receipts and a full explanation of why the plan was not followed.

I feel a huge breach of trust and I know that Fiona does too. There have been big goals that she has worked hard on for this.  She feels that she met these goals "for nothing".  I can't blame her.  I can't ask her to trust people that I no longer trust.

And then last night I learned that Leonard Cohen had passed away.  Hallelujah is my favorite song.  I listen to a zillion different versions of that, my most favorite being Leonard himself and artists who perform it acoustically or "stripped down."  Today I will listen to it and remember that we all have gifts to give.  Leonard gave the gift of music for over 50 years.  Today my gift must be that of advocacy and accountability.

Bunny Blues

There has been another round of huge staffing changes at the home where Fiona lives.  It also goes higher up the food change with a clinician change and some new faces in upper management.  I can't speak to whether any of this is good or not. Frankly I liked our last direct care team very much and the 15 months or so that we worked together were some of the healthiest ever for Fiona.  I felt they got her, not just her needs, but who she is as a person, beyond and above all the cognitive and behavioral stuff.  The inside part that so often struggles to be seen and validated.

However I see huge storm clouds on the horizon.  This team contacted me last October about Fiona having a pet.  This was something she asked for and they went up the chain and got approval for.  I was not the driving force in this.  While I know that pets are therepeutic, while i know that Fi adores animals and is good with them, I have had deep concerns over the plan.

Loving pets does not translate into having the ability to provide regular and appropriate care.  However my opinon was not solicited and a plan was put into place.  Fiona has been working the plan which included a certain decreased level in holds, a certain level of cleanliness in her room and other goals.  It has been a long road but she has met these requirements and thought that this Christmas she would be able to buy her bunny.  (part of the goals were also financial and budgeting for the pet care and the supplies the pet would need.

A couple days ago Fiona called me and said she was worried that staff were backing away from the plan to get her the bunny.  I said I didn't think that was the case but that i would contact the team.  I did and my daughter is correct.  The new team point person said "gee it is not our practice to permit pets for a variety of reasons yada yada yada."  We are meeting next Friday as i have the day off to discuss this and develop a plan.  There will be no good resolution to this if they are recanting.

My daughter has had too many instances where people have broken faith with her.  This is going to be another and she will hate every single member of this team forever.  Or at least till they all ride off into the sunset and the next crew come on board.

To complicate things, we just let Lissa get a small dog.  If Fiona can't realize her dream of pet ownership it is also going to create a difficult dynamic here to negotiate.

What the new team does not know is that I have saved every single email to me and from me regarding the pet issue.  Actually I save every email with this agency period. And if I have a phone call, i send a follow up email saying "this is my understanding etc etc. and asking for their confirmation."  I don't know that this will help her get the pet but it will help me if I have to take this up a notch concerning the way they are handling my daughter's care.

Chinese food Saturday

Today Fiona was due to come home for a visit and I wondered how things would go.  Not only did she have a stressful experience last evening, but her group home is again in transition.  The really good house manager that has been there just shy of 2 years has moved on and there are other staffing changes as well.  Whenever there is a transition it is tremendously hard for her.  Additionally, it means there is less support for her to access as she processes any feelings or concerns that come up as she reconnects with Mom J.

So I was not surprised when Fi called me mid morning, angry and confrontational.  She had been asked to not play her music loudly in the common room where others were watching TV.  She felt she had every right to do that no matter what.  Staff later told me that she was playing her music so loud the music could be heard clearly even though she was wearing her headphones.  Eeks!

While I agree that she was appropriately asked to move to another location or to lower the volume of the music the new staffer also told Fiona that if she didn't comply that she would "lose her visit."  Fiona quite rightly said that the only time her visit is jeopardized is if she has a hold.  I won't take her off site if she is that unstable but anything else, i am okay with.

However that comment from the staff was the tiny straw that broke the back of the tenuous grip that she has held on her emotions since the loss of the former house manager.  Much ranting ensued in thephone conversation and somehow she wound up telling me she didn't want a visit anyway, she didn't want me to bring spending money, and I could just leave her alone.  I explained that I would be coming with her months spending money but that she of course had a choice of seeing me or not.

By the time I got there, a more experienced staff had helped her find some calm, and gotten her to a place where she could more rationally discuss the other staff's mistake, and her own role in the incident.  I suggested that instead of coming home, that she and I go out for lunch and she agreed.

We ate at a Chinese restaurant not far from the group home.  A cute little family run place.  I had a yummy spicy tofu, and she had her favorite crab rangoons and chicken wings.  We were able to talk about her visit yesterday, happy anecdotes of her time there, concerns that she had over the transport issue, plans for future visits there with Mom J and plans for visits with us.

The best thing is that it ended well. A year ago, maybe even 6 months ago, she wouldn't have gotten things together enough to even go to lunch. Huge growth for my daughter and I am so proud.

Life Guarding

Things have been going well for Fiona of late.  She has been less violent, and more able to talk through an issue.  Sadly I expect there will be some rough patches in the near future. The house manager is leaving for another position.  This seems to happen regularly with the house managers in this home and I find it frustrating.  I get a working relationship and just as things start to level out--communications are good, mail is properly sent to me, Fiona's needs are being met. . . bang they are on the way out.  There is always a hiatus while they try to find another house manager and this is the worst of all.  People covering the house rarely know the occupants well.  They are often over worked, over tired and uninformed.  For Fi this means there are going to be hurt feelings and outbursts.  Trust me, I have been to this rodeo far too many times.

Yet if I am frustrated, I know my daughter is frightened and angry.  Tonight she called me almost manically happy which is a sure sign that she is going to crash and burn behavior wise.  The house manager called me shortly thereafter and said he had told the ladies today of his impending departure and that Fi was very angry and upset.  I said I knew as she had all ready called and told me he was leaving.  (side note she was not happy he is leaving. She is deflecting this by mentioning his departure and talking about a bunny rabbit she has been trying to acquire for about 6 months.)

I know too that for Fiona  the change in preferred staff underscore the fact that their presence there is a "job."  She is work to them. And while she needs to be there, and while I know in my heart that there are days and times when being with her is so challenging that it is really HARD work, this has to all feel really ugly to her.

Even though I have been through this many times, I don't know anyway that makes this any easier for her.  I always feel like I am trying to help her tread water till the new manager is hired and then I can at least have a sit down and try and get a feel for their style and how to enlist the best assistance possible for Fiona. But for now, back to treading water.

BLM

Last night on the internet I stumbled upon something new to me.  A live streaming of a BLM vigil in the Big City nearest to our home.  I watched for a bit to try and hear the speaker.  The sound quality was beyond bad and I could not hear almost anything she was saying. I was just about to click off in frustration when I noticed that comments also get posted in real time with the live streaming.


I watched in legit horror at the hatred that spewed from those comments, up the screen of my monitor.  Comments that the speaker had time to do this because she was on welfare. Comments that all lives matter.Derogatory comments about the charge to blacks to try to economically impact whites by going to black owned businesses. Comments that people should just do what police say and nothing will go wrong.  (news flash, you need to add if you are white to that last one folks--just ask the family of Phil Castile.) And there was more.  Much more. So much hatred I can not dignify it with reiterating it here. They flew so fast I could not even respond to a specific post, because it was gone in a flash, replaced by another equally as appalling.


How is it possible to hate so much?  How is it possible not to see people as people.   How can there be any hope for justice when so many people buy in to stereotypes and racist rhetoric.  These injustices and killings can not be stopped if whites are going to look the other way.  We have a disproportionate amount of power.  We need to, and we must, be agents for change and justice.  We need to listen to our black friends, neighbors, sisters and brothers, and support their efforts at change. Our children, our country, and our future need this.