Happy Almost Birthday Elisabeth!

She is sassy and stylish, funny, with a quick wit and cutting sarcasm.  Fiercely loyal and yet not afraid to be herself and to stand by what she believes in. . . she is my youngest.  And in a matter of days she turns 12.  This past weekend we had her friend birthday party--a sleepover event with 5 of her friends. 

Elisabeth has really good friends.  The kind that I hope will all still be friends years from now.  The interesting thing is that they are from all walks of life.  Because we homeschool she has friends from the neighborhood, from Girl Scouts, from her time in basketball   and from her dance classes.  Yet they all mesh together well and they are really kind to each other.  They know her well, as evidenced by the shirt she was gifted with! 

As I watched them this weekend I was struck by how grown up she looks and acts.  Wasn't it just yesterday she wore a crown and hit her brother with her birthday wand?  LOL

Next year it will be her turn to go through our church's Coming of Age program, as if this mama didn't need more proof her babies are growing up fast!  But I am happy for  her and excited to see what the future holds for her.  Her actual birthday is this Sunday and she wants to spend Sunday afternoon helping to distribute gifts to foster kids.  She is deeply moved by the fact that she knows foster kids often lose treasured items because they leave their family home so quickly and/or move so often.  She knows that some of her siblings have been through foster care and she has chosen to help work with a friend's new nonprofit which will help 400 foster kids in our city have great Christmasses. I might mourn the loss of my "baby" but I sure love the heart and passion that she has for the world.

Sunday we will bring cupcakes to church and Monday we have her family party and she will at long last get her own phone. 

Love your children well

My feed has been flooded lately with stories on the tragedy of the Hart family car crash.  Or maybe I should say the Hart family murder/suicides? I can't wrap my head around any  of it.  Adoptees and former foster youth are rightly outraged.  6 beautiful children dead.  People try to explain it.  People I know and respect in the adoption community are highly polarized about this. So let me just say for the record that in my opinion there is no way that what happened can be logically explained.  It was cruel.  It was horrible.  Six innocent lives were lost. Adoptive parents should be outraged and angry. They should not be trying to justify what happened by the real or imagined challenges of parenting the children.

It does not matter to me if the kids had "issues."  They were still children these two women chose to adopt.  How twisted people like that were allowed to adopt baffles me.  I guess I ironically always thought that becoming an adoptive parent gave me a leg up on some parenting issues.  Not all of them obviously.

I didn't know nearly enough about the mental health issues that challenge my eldest.daughter.  I didn't know anything about aspergers and autism and how they would shape my Chet's views of the world and his interactions.  I didn't know nearly enough about institutional racism until I became a parent of black and asian indian children.

But that didn't mean I was unprepared for everything.  I remember all those homestudy meetings.  They were filled with hard questions that I really took time to wrestle with.  No one comes from a perfect background.  I spent a lot of time thinking about my childhood and what I would want to bring to my kids experiences and why I felt some things should not be replicated.  We talked about how Kirsty and I felt about key parenting issues--schooling, consequences for actions, and so much more. We talked about racism, parenting a child of trauma, disabilities.

Did I still have a lot more to learn?  Abso-freaking-lutely!  But I felt like I had spent so much time working on the basics that when the less usual stuff came up--mental health issues, behavioral challenges, I could focus on needs and solutions to those problems.  I wasn't juggling say autistic perserverations and whether or not I believed in swatting my kid on the tush. (for the record, I don't)
I kept reading, I kept reaching out, I kept connected with people who would understand what my kids need.  Note that I didn't say what I need.  Because taking care of my needs?  That should not be my big focus as a parent.  I see it as a continuim.  When my wife and I first got together we had lots of time to focus just on us. From 18 to 27 or so we were all about us. We deepened our bonds to each other. We had spontaneous weekend getaways, we made couples memories.

Then we adopted Chet and our lives changed.  Everyones lives change when they bring a child home.  Yes, ours changed more intensely given his diagnosis.   When he became a teen and his needs were less intense and we knew we had love and energies to offer other children we adopted again, several more times.  In each case, we gave each child who entered our family time to settle in.  We reflected and had lots of conversation before each adoption. We made sure we were still both on the same page. (for the record, I personally wanted to adopt once more when my wife said no. I respected her wish.  Knowing your own limits, what works for you as a parent, that is needed for everyone bio or adoptive.) It was never about having the most kids on the block (though we probably do) It was about how deeply we love children and parenting and kids that needed both of those things.

There have been wonderful times and hard times.  I wouldn't trade any of them.  And I am grateful every single day for the gift of family and my children.  As the years race by--KC will be 14 in mere days, Lissa is 11, I know that in not that many years it will likely be just me and my wife and Chet. The wheel will have turned again.

Hold your children close.  Remember the gift that they are, always.

Lunch with Fiona

Fiona has been struggling the past few months.  It has been hard negotiating the ups and downs of her mood swings, but last weekend we had a good visit.  She said to me that she finds it hard to visit home right now.  She wants to live here and can't.  To her,visiting here   feels like waving this in her face.  That is of course, not my intention. The goal of coming home to visit was to have healthy loving relationships with the family.  For a long time she has bought into my very genuine belief that what we are working toward is her moving to another less restrictive level of care.  I have repeatedly talked about how as kids get older they don't live with their parents.  They get their own place, or they have a room mate and share expenses etc.  It may help when I actually have one of my kids do this so that she can see I am not making this up!  Rob is close but still in college and not quite there yet.

However, despite her not doing well visiting here I wanted to do something to maintain connections so we went to lunch at a fast food chain of her choice. The food was fairly ghastly but the time together was fun.  There were selfies and laughter -- lots of laughter.  I wish I knew a better way to help Fi.  Her mental health challenges and her cognitive delays are kind of the perfect storm for behavioral challenges.  But since I can't come up with any better model than what I am doing right now, I am  glad we had time together to laugh, love each other and reconnect. This is Fiona and Lissa at the restaurant.

Wisdom tooth #1

Fiona had her wisdom teeth out yesterday.  Or rather ONE of the teeth.  I am so steamed.  I didn't feel that I could do anything about this because there have been so many delays and the error by the group home lost us the far more local dentist.  This procedure now takes place at a dental school of medicine in the Big City. That is more than an hour away from my home and another 15 or so for the home Fiona lives in. There are many constraints due to Fiona's type of insurance so the group home's error was not one that could easily be resolved.  The commute alone worried me.  We have had uncooperative winter weather and I worried that they would not get to a pharmacy and get pain meds filled in time before the locals wore off.

I was right about that because they got stuck in traffic after the visit.  But it got even worse. The dentist did not expect her jaw bone to be so strong (she is only 22 why would her jaw not be strong?) And the lower tooth cracked coming out and took longer. So they only extracted one tooth and she has to go back next week for more.

I know this needs to be done and I know that people are human and make mistakes. Goddess knows I make my share, but knowing my girl is hurting and feeling in my core that there was a better way just kills me.

I could not talk to her last night because they got home so late and she had the meds at last. I am calling today to see how she is doing.

Celebrations and Reunions

So today I drove to a very big city to Rob's brother Dee's baby shower.  It was a great day. I was exceedingly proud of the fact that I navigated there without "side journeys" (aka getting lost) due to my abyssmal sense of direction!  Traffic was horrid and that made me feel stressed insdie but I think I did well getting through it and not conveying my terror of highway driving  LOL

We got there and met Dee's fiancee--that would be the young woman with the wide smile and the lovely melon dress in the picture. We hit it off instantly, she and I. She has a bubbly personality, is absolutely over the moon happy to be having a baby, and she and Dee are very deeply in love.  It is wonderful.  It was great to see Dee again.  It has been far too long since we got together.  He and I have also always hit it off.

There were cousins that Fiona and Rob have not seen in years.  There was their sister Krystal who they have not seen in years.  That is her on the far right in the picture. I had worked hard to prepare Fiona for the day. We had wrapped gifts together and talked about how baby showers work because she had never been to one before. I had filled her in on the folks I knew would be there.  What I did not know was that their birth mom was coming.  That is J on the far left.  J did not know we were coming either. I think Dee genuinely didn't think about it.  He and his fiancee did this shower themselves; I thought family were throwing it for them but that wasn't really the case.

Luckily I overheard that she was coming from the train station and had time to talk with Fi and Rob in advance.  So although to say they were prepared would be an over statement, they were not blindsided.  Poor J was though.   I felt badly for her as she sort of fell apart when she saw the 2 kids. (acutally she walked past Rob first, not knowing that the tiny fellow she once held was now a strapping young man) She and I went outside to a lovely courtyard and sat together.  I'd never met her, but we connected.  We both hugged and cried. I told her what good kids they are. She had not recognized Rob when she first came in and I think that was perhaps the most painful thing for her.  I spent time talking about hte fine young man that he has grown into.  How he is a quiet fellow but when he has something to say it will be deep and from his heart.  J said she is like that too.  It was good to share stories about the kids, to hug and cry together.  I am incredibly blessed and love my kids more than there are words for.  I also recognize though that our family is built on the fracturing of another family.  However I hold an image in my mind that I saw on the internet. It is of a Japanese art form where cracked bowls are mended with beautiful threads of gold.  I think at its best and most thoughtful, building families through adoption can be like that.

When J felt stronger we went back inside and the kids spent time with her.  She had also brought her youngest daughter who is 9 and whom she is parenting. She and Lissa played  together.  R is wearing the pink shirt in the picture.

On the way home I stopped at a nearby Dunkin Donuts and sent all but Fiona in to pick up some fuel for the ride home for us all.  This gave Fi and I a chance to talk together about how she was feeling.  It was her turn to cry and to share some of her conflicted feelings.  She was glad though that her big dream of all of her family-adoptive and biological--being together happily had come to be.  She also recognized that the day may have been hard on KC who has not been able to meet his birth mother although they do have intermittent contact by letter. We did not have more than maybe 10 minutes or so before the troops were back with some food but it was enough  (I think) for reassurance and for reminding her that J can love her and she can love J and I will still love her.  She can also feel happy AND sad about J.  It is okay to have more than one feeling about someone.

I think it went okay because although I had brought a prn in case she needed it, she did not and the homeward trek was pretty normal.  Singing to the radio, talking and acting like her typical self.  I have emailed a lengthy post to the group home so that they will be aware of all that transpired. Meanwhile, I am feeling incredibly blessed that this reunion was able to happen.

Yesterday, at least for that moment in time, the gold threads of healing were shining in the cracks of our large family.

Checking in with Fiona

Fiona was here this weekend and it was all good--till it suddenly wasn't.  I had no inkling of trouble brewing, she was not showing any of the physical indicators that cue me that she feels stressed. She wasn't saying anything that would give me a hint.  However a very mnor thing (KC creating a new game to play with a ball while the rest of us walked a dog) set her off.  She announced she had planned to play soccer. She only wanted to play soccer. We were not fair. KC was mean. She made a mistake having me her guardian and finsihed off the tirade with tears and announncing she wanted to go home.

I know that she has told me when she is calm that she does not like losing control in front of her siblings so I figured that was the root of that request. However she refused to communicate with me and stormed into the house, leaving me to explain to the staff as best I could, all that had happened.

Then I came home and spent the rest of the night off and on consoling KC who was devastated by the outburst.  He and Fiona are very close and he felt blindsided and betrayed.  Fiona called that night and said she was sorry, but I could still hear the anger and agitation in her voice.  I told her I acceped her apology and that we would talk Monday.

I called her after work and she sounded much more herself.  She wanted to know if I was mad at her. I explained that I was not angry, but that I was a little disappointed that she felt she had to run home and that we could not work on taking some space and then talking.  I also said that I thought something else was bothering her because games had changed before and that had never been a problem.  I asked if she was nervous about going to Dee's party next Saturday. She said that yes she was.  She wanted everyone to get along.  I said that I was sure we would.  She wanted to know if I had ever been with all the people that would be there. I said no, but I had met a lot of them and that I was looking forward to meeting those I have ony Facebooked or emailed.  Fiona's deepest desire is for all of us bio and adopted sides of her family to "blend."

I genuinely am not thinking that anything other than a good time will happen.  I think she could finally see that I am sincere in that and seemed to sound more relaxed.  Hopefully she will do well at her program this week and Saturday, we will be off to Dee's baby shower.

Graduates and Collegiates

It has been a whirlwind of milestones and memories here!  These 2 shots are from Fiona's graduation from the Great School in the Big City.   We were all there Wednesday to watch her walk and receive awards and give a speech.  Her composure was impressive. She looked lovely. She was happy.  She got to connect with so many school chums.  I confess I never thought I would see her walk down an aisle and graduate.  I am still amazed, and proud and glowing.  Her tassle for the hat (which she despised) is hanging by my computer, vivid proof that I am a soppy sentimental mom.  Fiona laughed when she saw it, as she is here for an overnight tonight.

Today was another excursion to the Big City for most of the family.  Rob had orientation at his college and K and the littles rode in on the train with him.  The littles love visiting museums in the city, exploring small eateries and finding green spaces.  They are pretty expert at public transportation and helped out the mom who is far less familiar with those aspects of transportation.  I sadly, had to work and was not part of the visit to the science museum or the swan boat rides etc.

Rob came back excited by his schedule (with perhaps the exception of a 7 a.m. English class which will necessitate a very early train!).  He is also enthusiastic about exploring some of hte sports teams that the college has.  I am so glad. This is what I want for him out of his college experience.  I am glad that he has the kind of personality that will be willing to dabble in new things.

Saturday revision

Well the weekend was full of excitement though the visit with Dee and Krystal did not come off as hoped for.  Dee called me Saturday and was at the train station in the Big City.  However Krystal had not shown up and was not returning his calls or texts.  Anger with his sister was evident in his voice. as was his worry that the mix up was going to seriously upset Fiona. He was going to come out on his own, which would have been fine with me, but in a cascade of family crisis, his fiancee called in on his phone and was ill at work.  She is expecting their first child and at that point I thought perhaps Dee ought not to come that particular day.  I explained that training to us put him about 90 minutes from her and that it would not be fast, if he should need to get back to her.  I said that Saturday was not like the only chance we had to come together. Fional is here twice a month, more if we can swing it with our schedules. We can do this and work it around Dee's work schedule.

I could hear his voice relax, and he asked if I would mind if he brought his fiancee out with him.  After all, he pointed out, Rob and Fiona would be aunts and uncles and he thought it might be appropriate.  I said it was absolutely appropriate and we would love to have them come out. He is going to let me know his work schedule, which he only gets a week at a time and we will set it up.  Before he and I hung up, he spoke again with Fiona to make sure she was not upset. The level of caring this young man has is impressive to me. He and Rob seem very similar in that regard.

Once the phone call was over, I was talking with all the kids about Dee and his fiancee and the coming of the baby.  Fiona is very excited to be an "auntie" and the little kids decided that of course they were going to be aunts and uncles too.  Then as one, all 4 kids looked at me and said "and YOU are gonna be a gramma!"  Which I guess in a roundabout way, I am.  I am not quite ready to be a gramma, but I am pleased that we are a well quilted enough family that there is never a "whose family is that?" kind of question here. It is a given that we are all family.

Thankfully I also had a back up plan in case the visit went awry and I took Rob and Fiona to see the movie Malificent.  She has been dying to see it and really enjoyed it.  I actually did too--I loved the concept of the good and the bad inside of each of us.  It is definately too intense for KC--those walking trees would just wig him right out--but still we all had fun.

I think that for Krystle the idea of coming here may be hard.  We keep in touch electronically and by phone and have for years.  But she was very nearly ours, and opted out.  I know because she told me--that she regretted that at one point.  I have tried to make it clear by my actions that I don't feel anger toward her and that I still love her and we are still family.  But I think it may just feel hard to her and thus the 11th hour bail.  I hope that after Dee and his fiancee have visited that maybe she will feel better about coming out. Or we can meet in the Big City and picnic on the common or something.  I am pretty persistant--somehow I will find a way for her to feel good about being around us.  It would be good for her and it would be wonderful for Fiona.

We are Family Forever!

I got a call from Amazing Jane today at work. She said she had gotten an email from Fiona's former DCF caseworker saying that I was legally appointed her guardian on December 31st!  I am really excited that this has happened.  Of course, tonight, Fiona called and she was very upset with the staff and the other house members and was not at all having a good day.  I am not sure how much is her mental health issues and how much is some things that need to be addressed, but at least now, I feel that i can email and call staff and speak from a position of team member instead of the quasi interloper kind of thing. Hopefully Fi will be home this Saturday for a visit.  I'd like her to help me plan a way to celebrate this.  Maybe pick a restaurant that she loves for a special dinner out and invite Amazing Jane and Fiona's friend O who now also lives in our area?

Christmas celebrations

Christmas was amazing!  The littles and I slept on a giant air mattress in Lissa's room.  They feel that they have to have a slumber party with me on Christmas Eve.  I started this when they were teeny tiny as it gave me a way of making sure they could not hear "the elves" putting packages under the tree.  My bedroom is farther from that general area.  However, with Fiona spending the night, she was in my room. So we did this in Lissa's room and had just as much fun.  All the kids have tiny trees in their room and hers is blue and awfully pretty.

The littles woke at 4:45 on Christmas morning, but I kept them in bed whispering with me till 6:10 a.m.  (another reason we have the "slumber party."  My wife would be singularly unamused by a 4:45 a.m. wake up!  Then at 6:10 we all got up and did the stockings.  Stockings are very fun in our house.  There is very little edible and very little that is pricey but things are sort of quirky and unique.  For instance, tiny little telescopes for playing pirate.  Wooden tops. small collectable figurines.  My wife found many of these items at a cool toy store on sale when she was doing holiday fairs with my Mom in November.

After stockings, we adjourned for breakfast.  Long ago, in a smaller family dynamic, I just put yogurt on the table and oj and tea.  Nowadays, it is more like a breakfast feast.  There is yogurt, fresh fruit, oj and coffee and tea. There were eggs, veggie bacon, sauteed mushrooms and grits.  And cinnamon buns.  It is mandatory that I make cinnamon buns.  I made two pans of them from scratch.  By 11:00 a.m. when the grandparents arrived, there were enough for them to have with coffee and tea and that was it.  They were all gone!

After fueling up, and starting the dishwasher, we went in and opened presents.  My wife and I do our stockings and gifts Christmas night so it was just the kids. That way we could take pictures and just enjoy it.  Most especially I enjoyed the fact that Fiona was with us and having such a good time.  She really really enjoyed everything.  She also had really been very thoughtful in the gifts she got people.  KC got one of those fuzzy hats that have long scarfy things hanging down with built in mittens.  He had wanted one when we were together at a fair this fall and I said no because the vendor was pricing them crazy high.  Fi remembered and made sure he had one at Christmas.  She got K and I a beautiful candle holder.  Really stunning and destined to be the centerpiece at solstice dinner next year.  She got Lissa a darling sweater vest with a leopard collar.  Lissa is wearing it today and you can tell she knows she looks fine!   Likewise, the kids had been equally thoughtful in choosing Fiona's gifts and she was sincerely excited about them.

By 8:30 we were cleaning up the detritus of opening and there was time to get dressed and relax and try out some toys.  At 11 the grandparents arrived and another round of gifting ensued.  I was proud of the kids as some of their gifts from them were not tangible--gifts that help others via heifer project.  They were just as excited about having rabbits bought in their honor as if they got a toy.  Cool!

More cleanup, visiting and eventually a big dinner.  Not a fancy dinner, but a filling one.  Big trays of pasta, a huge green salad, sparkling cider for kids, wine for grown folks, and cheese cake, Fiona's birthday cake, cookies,pie  or poached pears for dessert.

Fiona could not believe she was having a birthday party as well.  She was gracious and calm throughout and seemed again to like all our choices.  At the 11th hour I found out that her new residence will not allow her to have her cell phone. Chet had bought her a cover for that and I thought the gift now rendered inappropriate and potentially painful. So we swapped it out for an extra gift that I had really bought for an aunt.  Easy enough to replace that one later and Fiona was none the wiser.

By 2:30 my mom and G were back on the road and the kids and i hung out and played the rest of the day.  Sometimes they used KC's new microphone and either did stand up comedy (which was dubiously funny but mostly funny in that they THOUGHT it was funny) or Fiona would sing along to some of her new CD's.  They played new wii games and tried out KC's marker maker.

We also got to talk with Krystal and wish her merry Christmas.  She was en route to a movie so she did not talk too long but Christmas night she asked Rob to call her back and they talked much longer.  I am glad that connection is strengthening. Rob and Krystal were very close as young kids and when she moved down south it was a huge blow to him.

At 5, staff came to take Fiona back to her new home.  I hope she settled in well. I will call tomorrow to see. I think maybe calling tonight might be too much too soon. Not for Fiona, but for the staff who are not the easiest folks in the world to deal with.  I don't want to do anything that rocks the boat while I await the final guardianship stuff going through.

Christmas Eve

It's Christmas at our house, the door is open wide. (well not in the picture or you'd miss the pretty wreath!)

We've pig piles on the sofa and laughter has filled the house.

The cinnamon buns are on their cold rise for tomorrow's breakfast buffet. There will be the aforementioned buns, but also eggs, vegetarian sausage, vegetarian canadian bacon, grits oj and coffee.

                                                                                     Pies have been baked. Fiona's birthday cake hasI

 been made.  Pears have been poached.  We had a lovely festive Christmas eve supper.  Then we piled into the living room to watch "The Santa Clause"

After the movie, we read The Night Before Christmas, and the littles showered.  They have now hung their stockings and are abed.  However, Fi and Rob are still up, watching The Grinch.

This is so great, having everyone here. That in itself makes this the best holiday I can remember.  

Fiona's guardianship just took a jump forward

This week I got a citation in the mail regarding my petition to become Fiona's guardianship.  The citation gives anyone who wants to object to the petition until the 31st of December to notify the court of their feelings.  Fiona's mom and Fiona have also received a citation. I have worried a lot about that.  How receiving that citation would feel to Mom J.  How it would hurt and what she would feel that she should do regarding it.

Late last night, Amazing Jane forwarded me an email she had received from Fiona's mom.  It made me cry.  She wrote to Fi that she heard she was doing well and she was glad. She said she wanted to apologize for all the mistakes that she had made and all the bad choices many years ago. That she had been suffering from depression and didn't know where to turn for help, but that now she did, and was doing better.

She went on to say that she had heard that I was a very good person and would be a good guardian for Fiona.  Fi wants to call her mom with me when she moves out here and I am fine with that.  One of the things I was told by a different therapist years ago, was that if Fiona's mom could give her permission to love others, that her healing could really move forward.  For a variety of unbloggable reasons, we were not able to connect with Mom J and try to initiate this.  Jane has helped facilitate this and I am forever and ever grateful to her.  She also has supported me as I have worked to help Fi and Rob's first families see that I want them in all our lives.  There was a real rift caused by the agency that removed the children from the birth family. While the removal most definately was in their best interest at the time, the way the family was treated afterwards was punitive, belittling and flat out made a lot of them hate me.  Though I did not do those things, I was sort of an emblem of what had happened. I was white. I was, by their terms affluent.  Surely I saw them through the same lens.  It took a lot of work to help them see that I am my own person, and most importantly, that I love these kids.  And I love their families. Fiona and i both share a very similar vision of knitting together her "two families."  I see it as a big circle around the kids, Fi I think has a different mental image but the end result is very similar.

In many ways, this is the best present all of us could receive this Christmas.

A visit to Fiona's new home

Today I left work early to meet Fiona for lunch at the new home where she will be living . The date of the move is still up in the air but it is close enough that the transition has to start, so that Fi is as prepared as possible for the change.

The home is about 20 minutes tops from our house.  It is hard for me to know exactly how far as I got lost the first time!  But once I know where I am going, i greatly suspect it will be a quick little commute.   It is a lovely home, with 5 spacious bedrooms. Each resident has their own room.  The rooms are big enough for double beds, so when I say spacious, they are probably 2 1/2 times the size of her room now.  This may be great and may not be.  She has a hard time keeping her space ordered, but she loved the double bed (which really did look inviting and comfy.

The plusses that I see are:  all the occupants are female. Fiona has some issues around men and although she wants a boyfriend at some point, she is also frightened by anything she deems inappropriate from a male.  Fright for her leads to disregulation and PTSD so it is something I am looking to avoid.

There is lots of space in this house. The program intentionally planned this way so that the residents could get away from each other and take space when the need arose.

The program agrees that Fiona does best with a high level of structure and their plan is to have her enrolled in a structured day program that focuses on lots of crafts as well as job skill stuff Monday through Fridays. The other plus to this is then she is around an even wider circle of people and may make additional friends among the other people there.

Family are welcome to visit almost anytime. Fiona is welcome to come  here to visit almost any time.

There is a focus on teaching Fiona that she is an adult now and as such, has a responsibility and privilege of making some decisions on her own.  This is good.  Fi truly is very unable to handle unstructured time at all at present.  It would be good to work toward a level of comfort for her around that.  Also for feeling comfortable advocating for what she likes to do.

There is a gorgeous deck for cookouts.

There is not much around if she managed to get past the locked door in a raging episode.

The residents can decorate their rooms as they wish.

One of the 5 residents is black as is the program director.

Fiona seemed to make positive  early friendship connections with two of the residents in the home.  One was H, the young black girl. They started talking about ways to do hair and seem to want to do each others hair.

Some things that concern me:

There is no time out space.  Typically Fiona does best in a space that has no stimulation where she can roll around, punch bean bags and pillows and scream out her anger.  They apparently used to have one and want to make it into a craft room.

The reward system they have in place is a bit complex and I suspect I may find myself advocating for modifications as Fiona has a very limited ability for retention of such things and really no ability at all to think into the future.

There does not seem to be a nurse in residence.  I am not sure whether that is something I should worry about or not. Fi takes some powerful meds. However obviously I administer them when she is here. I guess if staff are trained to make sure that the timing is not messed with, it is fine.

 That's it for concerns--the plusses thus far totally outweigh my worries.  And what mom doesn't always find a few things to worry about?

For now, she seems happy at the idea of the move. That changes daily as change itself is a huge de-stabilizer for  her.  But she will visit again the day before thanksgiving and then I will pick her up and bring her back home for the holiday.  I am hoping that also when she sees that she is so physically close to us that this too will help her.

Harvest fun

Saturday was a day filled with fun.  Fiona arrived on Friday and we were all up early Saturday morning to begin our day. We got our shopping and banking done before the 9:00 a.m. dance class. After dance, we shot over to the library and then were home for lunch.  My wife got back home and we all went to the school where she cleans to visit their Harvest Fair. I forgot to take a single picture there, but it was a cute fair and the kids had fun.  Fiona enjoyed the fishing game, winning tickets that could be turned in for prizes.  KC and Lissa enjoyed the bounce house. Rob tried to win some prize baskets that had tickets to our favorite football team.

After we spent about an hour there, we headed  home for a bathroom break and some snacks before heading to another city for Pumpkin Fest. This is held at a large science museum and features about 1000 pumpkins that are eventually all lit once it gets dark.  During the daylight hours, there were lots of cool science activities to do, a large playground to fool around at, a nature trail to explore, and wildlife exhibits. We watched someone juggle fiery torches (totally amazing) and then the juggler balanced a tall peacock feather on one finger.  After accomplishing this she held it out for the audience to try.  The first child who tried failed.  KC stepped up and totally rocked it. I actually think he got so into it that he forgot that there were lots of people watching him; it was pretty amazing!

Rob's friend D from church met us there and hung out with us the whole evening.  D is feeling a little lost right now and loves to spend time with us.  It is fine with me.  One more kid, two more kids, it is all relative. As long as everyone  understands the ground rules, we seem to do just fine.

As it got dark the pumpkin displays began to glow.

There were amazing carvings on some of them. But I think I love the happy glow on my daughters face most of all!

Fiona's plans move forward

There have been a flurry of phone calling and emailing with regards to Fiona's pending move.  I have filled out and mailed the guardianiship papers and the CORI form.  The DDS wants to meet our family on November 4th at the Great School so I have successfully gotten permission to take that day off.  I have a 1/2 day off on 11/11 so that I can go tour her new home with her as well.

Wednesday evening when we spoke on the phone she said she had great news that she wanted to tell me when she comes out this weekend.  I think is has to do with contact with her Mom J.  She said that she is happy but feels really badly because she is afraid KC and Lissa will be sad.

I told her that Lissa is so young that she does not get a lot of these things yet.  KC would likely be a little sad but he would also be happy for her, because he does understand. He is in fact, writing to his birth mom again this week.

She said she wished she was adopted when she was a baby because then she would not have all these confusing feelings. That she wanted us to be "like blood."  I reminded her that we are family forever and that getting back in contact with her first family members never changes that. I also tried to explain that even if she had been adopted as a baby she would still have confusing feelings because she has seen that in KC all ready.  Adoption has part of it that is always about questions and hurting, but what we can do as a family is love each other and that gives us strength getting through the tough spots.

I don't know how much she got and how much she will remember if things start to feel overwhelming for her.  We have some fun festivals to visit this weekend though that will hopefully help balance any of the tough stuff.

Farewell to Summer

Fiona came to visit today.  We had a lot of fun. We went to the library and the kids picked their books.  We picked up lunch at Subway and brought that home for lunch. (yay for $5.00 footlongs for this month!) Then we went apple picking at our local city orchard.  Years ago, this lovely orchard was up for sale and plans were in the works for it to be sold for housing development.  A massive effort and many donations and fundraisers allowed our city to purchase it and preserve the beautiful space.  It is a working, thriving orchard with over 5000 apple trees and 40 different varieties.  This is also the site where we typically have a community garden plot yearly.

We had a blast picking apples, and taking a wagon ride through the orchard, soaking up the history of the area. Then we went to the house of a person K cleans for.  They were away for the weekend and we are dog sitting their sweet baby.  We took Jersey for a walk, and she soaked up all the love and adoration all the kids lavished on her. She clearly is missing her family and her own little girl.

On the way home we stopped and chose pumpkins. The kids had a blast doing this and the front and back porch look ready for the new season now.  Then here at home they played in the back yard, helped with laundry, played Wii and had supper. Rob helped me make rigatoni, K made garlic bread, Rob and I made butterscotch graham cookies for dessert. It was a lovely day and though I hate to see summer go, it was nice to bid farewell with all of us together.

What to Say?

For probably the first time ever, Jane put me in what felt like the hot seat when Fiona and I were talking on Tuesday night.  She wanted me to give Fi suggestions of what she could say to her mom when they have their first phone call.  They have been writing back and forth for a while now.  Fiona has struggled with the fact that her first mom has another child that she is apparently successfully raising.

I am glad she is having the contact. She needs it and anyone who has looked at my blog before knows that I support first family contact whenever it is possible to safely have it.  But I was petrified when Jane said that to me!  What to suggest?  What if I suggest the wrong thing?  Does not having something to suggest imply to Fiona that I don't support the contact?

I tried mentally putting myself in Fiona's shoes--what would I say if I suddenly had contact with my dad.  He left the state I live in more than 25 years ago and never said goodbye.  He still has contact with my sister and sees her yearly. So part of me does understand feeling abandoned, feeling "less than" and wondering why things happened as they did.

I just don't know how to help Fiona phrase things and I suspect that my baggage (I literally could not picture myself saying anything nice, helpful or healing to my dad) was totally in my way.  So I bought myself a little time.  I said that it was a good conversation for us to have and that Saturday when she is out, we should talk about that. One of my  go to parenting strategies is buying myself time when I need it!

I am thinking it is best to start by asking Fiona what she wants to say and building off of that. If she has no idea, I am planning to suggest that she share some of the things we have done lately and the placement plan, explaining to her if needed that J will be glad to hear what she is planning for her adulthood. I am glad the rest of our Saturday together has easy stuff like making some decorations and going pumpkin picking!

More Visit Plans

Fiona's visit will happen this Friday starting at noon. She will be here till about 3 p.m. on Saturday.  I am super excited as are the kids. This change in plans means that she is here for a family photo.  Our church is doing a photo directory of the congregation and everyone who comes for the shoot gets an 8 x 10 of their family FREE!  I am loving that, though I know i will probably buy some others as well if they come out 1/2 way decent.

K is not sharing our joy in this as she comes to the relationship with Fiona from a different place. She says she is fond of her, but she does not feel we are family. Extended family, or a resource, but not family.  I am a weirdo I guess. She is my daughter.  She is family.  I think families are created in different ways and that parenting a child, particularly a child of trauma can look very differently.  We have talked about it but at this point, it is more agreeing to disagree.

On Saturday, Fiona is stuck coming to the dance school and hanging out with me for a long morning.  I am going to bring the kids DS and my cell phone which has a couple of games on it so she can amuse herself.  It is mere weeks to recital and I know the kids can't miss. I also know KC would have a breakdown if I asked him to miss. He loves his sister dearly but he takes his dance very seriously--way more seriously than I did at that age. Actually make that more seriously than I did EVER!  LOL  After we get out of the studio, we will go and get Fiona's prom dress fitted for an alteration. She wants it shortened and I have found someone who appears up to the challenge.  From there I hope that the weather will cooperate for a picnic. That would be fun and low key and different for her.  She will head back to school about 3 so it would be just about right time wise.

It was a good phone call tonight as Jane and Fiona and I hashed out all the plans. We also talked about how scared we all felt last weekend when the citywide lockdown happened.  Fiona I know had behavioral issues but I think that between the disappointment of not seeing us and the anxiety caused by knowing what was going on, it was understandable.  She sounded surprised when I said we were nervous and worried too--about her.  And that is not a lie. She was in my thoughts and KC was the first to ask if she was okay when he heard what was going on in the big City.  

So our plans have morphed and reshaped and I find myself all ready looking forward to the weekend!

Plans change yet again!

The school staff called last night after they had told Fiona that they visit was cancelled. She was predictably very upset and sad but she did not hurt anyone and although she left the res floor, she came back voluntarily. These are both very good things.  We talked of trying to make the visit and overnight happen for next weekend which would require some shuffling of things all ready scheduled for that date by Rob.  I was willing to do that.

Then about 20 minutes after we spoke, the driving ban was lifted and the staff and I spoke again.  They wanted to know if she could come for a day visit today. I said absolutely but we would not be able to do an overnight next weekend if we do, as i have those other commitments that also need attending to for the kids. (Fiona would not be happy hanging out with us while Rob spends hours prom wear shopping with his girl friend.) I suggested we let Fiona choose and she opted for todays visit.  I am fine with that, but hope that when next weekend comes, she will be okay with not being here.  Time is such a hard concept for her, as is the concept that there are things adults can not control. She tends to see the world as :  you promised me and you didn't deliver."

Balancing Family Emotional Needs

My wife and I were speaking several days ago.  It was a this and that sort of conversation.  I was trying to nail down a date for KC to have a sleep over with a buddy and I mentioned about Fiona's next visit.  K took a breath and said that she needed to talk with me about Fi.  She said that she worries every time Fiona is here that she will rage and that something will happen that will physically or emotionally hurt the other kids. She said she had not shared how deeply she felt about things because she feels guilty and she knows we are totally not on the same page here.  The trauma we went through in 2008 is still fresh and raw to her in ways that it is not to me.She is "stuck" mentally there, remembering the rage and destruction and fear.

I knew that K didn't feel the level of commitment to Fiona that I feel. I  did not realize she was still afraid.  Due to her work schedules she is often not available to visit with us when Fiona is here and is usually never home when Fiona calls. I imagine that I should have come to the conclusion that she was afraid, but I am a creature of almost unfettered optimism.  I totally missed it.

The resulting discussion was hard but honest.  I said that I would write to Jane and explain how she felt and keep the overnights to single nights for the foreseeable future.  However I also said that I would not walk out of Fiona's life because I truly believe that when you sign on to parent, you are there forever.  Part of K does not feel that she "is" Fiona's parent.  And I can't speak to that.  I do know that I am.  I also know that the bonds I have worked so hard to knit between the kids are deep.  To do anything that did not honor that would be incomprehensible to me.

Jane was amazing as usual when I explained the situation in a very lengthy email .  She said that it was likely my wife had PTSD and she recommended EMDR as a resource to her.  I told K about this and also about the tapping that I have learned about from the wisdom shared in Blogland. I don't know if she will reach out to those resources, or not.  I do know that life just got a bit more complicated!