Adoptive family life has been on my mind a lot lately. This is sort of an ebb and flow of my life. Sometimes life is just life. It is pretty much the kind of child rearing, crazy living, day to day existence that is fairly typical of my other friends who have kids of similar ages and/or interests.
Then there are the differences in our life that are the result of raising children with a disability. Kids who will never be able to live independently require a different mind set. I spent years grieving when I came to grips with the fact that Chet would grow into manhood with a laundry list of experiences and responsibilities that would never be possible for him.This is also true for Fiona. But I am emotionally in a different place now. I am comfortable with my role being parent/guardian for the long term. With planning safe futures for them when I am gone. With realizing that there is an aspect of "Peter Pan" in raising differently abled children. I have learned to enjoy the fact that there is still a wonder and youthfulness as a part of their personalities and i embrace that. I remember that when their personalities show the difficult todldler-esque tantrum in a full grown body. These differences too can be shared with some friends. Not too many geographically close to me, but the joy of the Internet means I have friends all over. Folks who get it. Folks who have walked harder roads, and who inspire me.
There are also the differences that are unique to the world of adoption. Raising my children means honoring and including as much as is possible, all the people who are part of their lives. Their first families, their extended families--they are not "their" family. They are "our:" family. I genuinely like and respect them. Certainly some make unwise choices. But family is not perfect. My own biological family is far from perfect; I don't expect that from others. That does not mean I will put my children in unsafe situations, but it does mean that I don't have unrealistic expectations of what people's lives could/should look like. I think this also shows my kids that I mean what I say when I affirm that I love them even when they make a mistake.
I have read some interesting posts about adoption "triads" lately and honestly it wasn't even a word in my vocabulary till reading about it. For me, adoption has been about making the circle of family larger and I envision our children in the center. Safe. Loved. With everyone radiating the same distance from the center.
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Top O the Morning!
St. Patricks Day is such a fun holiday! The leprecauns visited while we slept. (also the tooth fairy, so I hope there was no collision among the fey folk!) The orange juice mysteriously turned green. The shower had green streamers hanging from it and our toilets when flushed filled with water that sparkled. This caused the most excitement of all. LOL
After church a friend came for a play date and for supper we had a pizza that was shaped like a giant shamrock. When I figure out how to get pictures from my phone to my computer I can show you all! Good silly Sunday fun!
After church a friend came for a play date and for supper we had a pizza that was shaped like a giant shamrock. When I figure out how to get pictures from my phone to my computer I can show you all! Good silly Sunday fun!
Friday, March 15, 2013
The Family Photo!
The G Word
I arrived home last night from the event at Fiona's school to find a flurry of emails concerning Fi. She had an IEP meeting yesterday and apparently the topic of guardianship was raised again. Apparently, the two agencies involved in Fiona's care and planning for her future are both interested in my becoming her guardian. I was surprised to say the least as only a few months ago my exploring of that option was not met positively.
I told my wife about this and she had concerns. Her worries centered mostly on what were the duties of guardianship. Would we be able to meet those needs and fairly meet the needs of the other kids that live here at home. I suppose it is good that she tempers my enthusiasm, but I looked at the situation differently. I feel a deep commitment to Fiona. Though she can't live here, I can at least do this.
Today I spoke with two parties involved to get the specifics of guardianship. It means that I would have a say, and a responsibility to make sure that Fiona's medication regime is appropriate. I like that! While I am not upset by her regime here at the great School, I have seen over medicating in other placements. I would be responsible for making sure that her placement was safe and reporting any concerns to the proper party. They would also like me to be her payee for her disability and I would write a check monthly for her share of the care expense and administer the rest to her as her money for clothes, personal care items, and spending money.
I would not be financially liable for her. She would not be living with us. Nor would we be responsible for transporting her to appointments. This would be the responsibility of staff at whatever facility she is placed at.
I honestly think these are pretty limited responsibilities and the very least that I can do for my daughter. I am unsure if biological family will approve of this, but hopefully the connections that I have made with them will make the idea acceptable to them.
I told my wife about this and she had concerns. Her worries centered mostly on what were the duties of guardianship. Would we be able to meet those needs and fairly meet the needs of the other kids that live here at home. I suppose it is good that she tempers my enthusiasm, but I looked at the situation differently. I feel a deep commitment to Fiona. Though she can't live here, I can at least do this.
Today I spoke with two parties involved to get the specifics of guardianship. It means that I would have a say, and a responsibility to make sure that Fiona's medication regime is appropriate. I like that! While I am not upset by her regime here at the great School, I have seen over medicating in other placements. I would be responsible for making sure that her placement was safe and reporting any concerns to the proper party. They would also like me to be her payee for her disability and I would write a check monthly for her share of the care expense and administer the rest to her as her money for clothes, personal care items, and spending money.
I would not be financially liable for her. She would not be living with us. Nor would we be responsible for transporting her to appointments. This would be the responsibility of staff at whatever facility she is placed at.
I honestly think these are pretty limited responsibilities and the very least that I can do for my daughter. I am unsure if biological family will approve of this, but hopefully the connections that I have made with them will make the idea acceptable to them.
Reaching Out Pays Off
Yesterday was Fiona's school event so after my hair appointment, and a late lunch, we headed to the Great School. Fiona was thrilled to see us and gave us the grand tour of the classrooms and the projects the students had done in each. After about 30 minutes or so, Fiona and Rob's cousin N and her daughter C arrived. They also brought with them another family member K and his daughter. K is also a cousin; he is N's brother. Being nosy, I wound up asking as no one was saying and Rob often looks to me to clarify how he is related to people.
We ate supper together at a big table. The Great School always has excellent food and this time there were lots of vegetarian options so I was very full by the time the meal was over. I love the fact that we all just mingled at the big round table. It was not all the J-E folks on one 1/2 and all the bio family on the other. We just sort of jumbled ourselves up sitting down and it was great. I chatted with N about her college experiences. KC and her daughter busied themselves playing thumb wars and rock paper scissors. Cousin K and Rob talked about skateboarding, etc. It was good, very very good.
It also helps that KC is a natural mingler. I don't know if it is inherent to his personality or if he picked it up from watching me, but he instinctively includes everyone at a table in conversation at some point. There were little gold stars on the table and he made them into constellations and invited people to guess which ones they were. There were goofy jokes. But it engendered a lot of laughter from everyone and others loosened up quicker I think because of that.
At the end of the evening, we had all said our goodbyes and were getting ready to leave. Suddenly, cousin N grabbed her phone, tugged at my sleeve and asked me to wait up. "We need to have a picture of the whole family," she said. And all of us squished together and staff took her phone and snapped a picture.
We.Are.Family.
We ate supper together at a big table. The Great School always has excellent food and this time there were lots of vegetarian options so I was very full by the time the meal was over. I love the fact that we all just mingled at the big round table. It was not all the J-E folks on one 1/2 and all the bio family on the other. We just sort of jumbled ourselves up sitting down and it was great. I chatted with N about her college experiences. KC and her daughter busied themselves playing thumb wars and rock paper scissors. Cousin K and Rob talked about skateboarding, etc. It was good, very very good.
It also helps that KC is a natural mingler. I don't know if it is inherent to his personality or if he picked it up from watching me, but he instinctively includes everyone at a table in conversation at some point. There were little gold stars on the table and he made them into constellations and invited people to guess which ones they were. There were goofy jokes. But it engendered a lot of laughter from everyone and others loosened up quicker I think because of that.
At the end of the evening, we had all said our goodbyes and were getting ready to leave. Suddenly, cousin N grabbed her phone, tugged at my sleeve and asked me to wait up. "We need to have a picture of the whole family," she said. And all of us squished together and staff took her phone and snapped a picture.
We.Are.Family.
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Hair today, . .
OK so today is the big day. I realize this is my incredibly self absorbed post, but I have to get this out there. (drum roll please) I am seeing a hair stylist today. I am probably getting my hair cut and colored. Backing things up, I am pathetic at working with my hair. I rock my daughter's hair. Mine? All six limp strands hang lankly most of the time. For work I pull it back in a scrunchy into a messy bun. And yes, I know scrunchies are so 1980's. But it is a velvet scrunchie; does that make it better? LOL
At any rate, the thing is, I know I need to change up my look. I am flying out to CA in June and I will be the "face" of my company out there. I know my "face" doesn't match my knowledge base or my skill set. In my former company that didn't matter. In this one, I seriously think it does. I have not been to a hair stylist in about 8 years. My wife trims my split ends every once in a while I just kind of rolled with that.
So I have a groupon to a fancy schmantzy salon and supposedly this lovely lady has lots of experience working with fine, limp thin body-less ugly hair. I sincerely hope so. Because if I come home looking like a Mexican hairless pooch my "face" for the company is going to be somewhat different than I anticipated. LOL
After the salon visit--which is a family affair as my wife wants to weigh in on the consultation that they are doing before the procedure actually takes place--we are having a lunch out and a small field trip for the kids. Then we are off to the Great School in the City for a presentation that Fiona's school is doing. We will have supper with her, stay for the event and then head home. I wonder if she will recognize me? I wonder if I will recognize me?
At any rate, the thing is, I know I need to change up my look. I am flying out to CA in June and I will be the "face" of my company out there. I know my "face" doesn't match my knowledge base or my skill set. In my former company that didn't matter. In this one, I seriously think it does. I have not been to a hair stylist in about 8 years. My wife trims my split ends every once in a while I just kind of rolled with that.
So I have a groupon to a fancy schmantzy salon and supposedly this lovely lady has lots of experience working with fine, limp thin body-less ugly hair. I sincerely hope so. Because if I come home looking like a Mexican hairless pooch my "face" for the company is going to be somewhat different than I anticipated. LOL
After the salon visit--which is a family affair as my wife wants to weigh in on the consultation that they are doing before the procedure actually takes place--we are having a lunch out and a small field trip for the kids. Then we are off to the Great School in the City for a presentation that Fiona's school is doing. We will have supper with her, stay for the event and then head home. I wonder if she will recognize me? I wonder if I will recognize me?
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Blurry Sickness Thoughts
I hate being ill and I am a lousy patient. I am rarely down enough to require any extended time in bed but yesterday I had to lie down for a long rest and today I was in bed almost all day. I am up now becuase I am home alone with the littles and I won't let them be outside if I am not up.
I am angry because I missed hearing my son play a prelude and the offertory at Youth Sunday at church today. I missed hearing his girlfriend sing a solo. I missed taking a walk with the littles post church.
All this goes in the feeling sorry for myself part of the blog.
The positive part is that I can see another sign of Rob's growth and development in this incident. Me being sick no longer terrifies him and causes anxiety. I don't have to stand at the stove and pretend I am fine. I can tell him what is wrong and he knows that what I say is true and nothing awful is going to happen. He knows too that this is the first event I have ever missed of his and that I was legitimately sick.
He texted me today to see how I was doing and made a comment on one of my Facebook entries. He knows I love him and that I can be counted on. Another sign that the relationship is healthy, even if the mom isn't at the moment!
I am angry because I missed hearing my son play a prelude and the offertory at Youth Sunday at church today. I missed hearing his girlfriend sing a solo. I missed taking a walk with the littles post church.
All this goes in the feeling sorry for myself part of the blog.
The positive part is that I can see another sign of Rob's growth and development in this incident. Me being sick no longer terrifies him and causes anxiety. I don't have to stand at the stove and pretend I am fine. I can tell him what is wrong and he knows that what I say is true and nothing awful is going to happen. He knows too that this is the first event I have ever missed of his and that I was legitimately sick.
He texted me today to see how I was doing and made a comment on one of my Facebook entries. He knows I love him and that I can be counted on. Another sign that the relationship is healthy, even if the mom isn't at the moment!
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