The Post I've needed to write

One thing about life in the time of Covid-19 is that I have a lot more time to write.  That is a good thing I guess as it gives me time to examine my thoughts more fully and well, people can read or not.  The scroll on by feature of the internet saves anyone who finds this dull!

About 4 months ago I got a call from Fiona's DMH worker.  Because Fiona's case was finally being transferred to our area where she has lived for many years now, this somehow also triggered re-doing her guardianship.  I remain confused by that as the guardianship paperwork all said it was permanent and we always treated it as such, but I also felt it was not fair to argue.  The reason was the worker had asked Fiona if she wanted me to continue being her guardian or not.  Fiona said she would rather that her cousin N become her guardian.

Back story is that in the perfect storm of relationships, Fi had earlier in that week asked me for money she did not have to buy a brand new iphone.  I had explained she could save for it and I would help her work out a plan but that we could not just go buy a phone.  She had then asked if I could give her money for her birthday and Christmas early so that she could go buy the phone. I had explained that we celebrate on the day and not before and that even if I did that she would still be short of funds significantly.  She had hung up in a huff.  Conversations like that are not uncommon as she has a hard time grasping costs and savings.  Usually this results in another call a couple days later when she is calmer and we are able to work out a plan.  Except that this time before that happened, the DMH worker talked to Fi.

I have nothing against Fiona's cousin. She is a lovely person and in the past 5 years has become consistantly present for Fiona in ways that her other first family appear not to be.  She is the person who helped me loc Lissa's hair and is a person I like and respect greatly.  I did not feel that I could in all honesty fight against her for guardianship.She is competant and would have Fiona's best interests at heart. It also goes against everything I beleive in to try and shut out first family members by fighting this.   I explained this to the DMH worker who initially asked if I would consider co-guardianship.  I said I would not, because I know that there was a strong risk of two problems developing. The first would be Fiona's natural desire to play us off against each other.  You know how kids don't like parent A's answer so they go to Parent B?  I can so see this happening and neither N or I live closely or can communicate easily and quickly enough to prevent confusion from arising.  Secondly, I just deep down believe in the rights of first families.  And I believe that Fiona has a right to choose.  I told the worker that regardless of my legal standing, Fiona was my daughter in my heart and I would still be in relationship with her and did not see that changing. Worker said she did not expect my response and was grateful.  I guess lots of people fight in these situations. I wrote a long text to N explaining my response to the DMH worker and we had a good conversation regarding things.

What I did not count on was Fiona. I knew she would be afraid to tell me, so I called her.  I explained in detail to Fi that I had been informed of her wishes and that I respected them. I said I would still always view her as my daughter. That I had before I became her guardian and I still would feel that way afterwards.  I said I would always love her and always be there for her the way I am for all my kids.  It was a decent conversation but what I did not grasp was that deep down Fiona  still has trouble believing that people love her.  She has been rejected a lot in her life because her choices and behaviors make being in relationship with her hard sometimes. 

As the paperwork and legal wheels ground forward on the guardianship change she became increasingly distant. I had a hard time connecting with her. She cancelled visits, she called infrequently. She sometimes did not return my calls or texts.  When the guardianship change was finalized she ceased communication all together. 

I kept trying to reach out to her.  I sent bitmoji pictures (which she loves) I left messages at the group home. I tried everything I could think of.  Then I sent a final text saying I did not want to make her feel pressured and that she needed to know that I was always here when she wanted to talk. That she would always be my daughter and part of the family.

A bunch of weeks went by with no contact.  I felt so down about this that I could not even write about it. I tried many times, thinking it would be cathartic.  But it just made me feel like I was writing a post that should be titled Parenting Fail-Loser Alert.  I don't want our relationship to be a failure. Fi's been my daughter of my heart since she was 9 and she is now 27  That is a lot of years of love, and laughter, tears and worry.

Yesterday afternoon, she called. She said she was sorry.  That she loved me. That she wanted a relationship with me, and with the kids. It was a good conversation. She seemed able to hear me saying that I loved her and that I wanted to always be there for her. She wanted to talk to KC and wish him happy birthday. I hope it was the beginning of finding the road that walks her back to us.  I hope that she will feel that it is safe to love and hear me when I say that I am not leaving her.

Merry Everything!

It is Christmas Day and it has been magical and emotional and wonderful in ways I could not have imagined.  The only hard part was that Fiona decided at the 11th hour to go to the Big City and have her Christmas and birthday celebrations with members of her family who live there.  Rob and the rest of the kids were disappointed as was I.  I had planned her favorite meal, her choice of birthday dessert and of course there are gifts aplenty awaiting her.  We will get togethe at some point but it is unlikely that we will all be able to be here.  Rob typically works weekends which are the only times I am free and juggling around the kids regular responsibilities and part time jobs means maybe 3/5 of the family will be here when she decides to visit.  I am okay with that but it is likely Fiona will not be despite the fact that this change was here decision and not ours.

However the rest of our day has been beyond my imaginings.  KC asked that we get up 10 minutes before the rest of the family so that he could give my wife and I his gift privately.  I had no idea what it could possibly be but we agreed.  He wrote the most heartfelt loving letter to us that we both cried buckets reading it. Then he turned on the TV and he had made a video with a montage of pictures of the three of us as he has grown and a dance he had choreographed to a song called In Case you don't live forever.  I have watched it three times and bawled each time.  Most times I think we don't know how we touch one anothers lives (and that is ok) but in this rare magical instant, we know.

All the kids outdid themselves this year and being together is always my greatest gift.  I know that some time Rob will move out.  I know he has plans he is working toward. So every holiday he is here is a gift beyond measure to me.  Everyone's gifts were thoughtful and showed such love and care for the recipient.

Now a feast awaits and I plan to tuck in with abandon.  Happy Christmas, blessed Yule, Happy Hannukah--merry everything to everyone!

Fiona's yearly meeting

Tuesday I attended Fiona's annual ISP meeting at her group home.  It has been harder for she and i to visit the past few months. She works on Saturdays now and Sundays we are typically at church till noon and then KC is back there for youth group about 5ish.  So we have been talking a lot on the phone and keeping in touch that way.  But nothing beats face to face so I got her a coffee and got there early enough that we had time to just chat.  Her cousin had said she was going to attend the meeting as well but did not come after all.  I worried that this disappointment would impact Fiona's ability to participate in her meeting but she carried on with aplomb.

And the meeting went so well.  Fiona struggles often to stay regulated and to express herself in ways that do not involve physical outbursts.  But over the past year she has made steady and consistant progress in this regard. She has also been able to save for several big ticket items--the first saving up over $700 to go and do a wardrobe re-do. The second paying for a new bedroom set on layaway which involved 6 months of steady saving--and also forgoing the more immediate and transient pleasures that she would otherwise use her money for.

She has a job, two shifts a week at a local college doing food service work in the cafeteria.  Best of all, she is more open about sharing what her dreams and goals are, what she does or does not want to do, and does not show a lot of the body signs that  previously signalled severe anxiety.

I know there are likely to be inevitable setbacks but overall, my girl is rocking it!!  I am so very very proud of her.

Vacation Week

I was lucky this year and it was my turn to take some time off after Christmas. This is on a rotation schedule at work and every 3 to 5 years it is my turn for the lions share of the days off.  I have been off since 12/22 and it has been glorious.  I don't typically take large chunks of time off (in fact the irony of all this is that it is exactly 4.5 work days!!) but when I am blessed to have the time I notice that suddenly my body stills.

I normally waken early every morning.  I don't set an alarm clock, I just wake up at 5:30  Apparently after a couple of days my body knows I am not on my usual routine and I am waking up at 6:30! It is bitterly cold here right now and that is physically difficult for me.  I confess to going to be early and reading till late into the night just so that I can stay warm.  I also don't have to be up before the heat comes on in the house and that too has been a treat.

There have been wonderful family times during this week together.  We went to Maine to spend Christmas Eve day with my mom and Griff.  They were so glad to see us and so happy with everything we brought.  Christmas Day was just my wife and i here with the kids.  Fiona was in the Big City with other family members but came here on Wednesday.  We had another festive family gathering and had a really good time together.

Yesterday I took the kids to the movies so we could see The Greatest Showman.  Great movie but not an accurate telling regarding Barnum's racism.  It sort of skirts around that.  But KC wanted to go because he loves musicals so that is why we went.

Today my wife and I are going on an actual lunch date.  This is something that happens very rarely as our time off schedules rarely come close to coinciding.  But this afternoon she is free and we are taking advantage of a gift certificate she got from a client for a restaurant.  I am really looking forward to this!

The year is speeding to a close and sometimes i wonder where all the time went.  But really when I look back, 2017 was filled with a lot of  great and exciting things.  I am lucky to have not just my family but a strong group of friends in a variety of walks in my life. This life I live would be so much harder if I did not have their wisdom, their laughter and their support.

The pause before the. .

It is Wednesday night.  The house is cleaned (relatively) the numerous pies are baked.  The shells are made. The turkey is thawed. The cranberry sauce is made.  Tomorrow there will be more to do but by 1:30 or 2:00 p.m. the living room will be full of food, family and laughter.  Thanksgiving is one of my favorite times of the year. This year is a smaller gathering than most have been. My mom is staying in Maine; her partner is presently in the hospital and though improving, he will benefit from her presence. The kids godparents are visiting family in Texas this year and Fiona has opted to go to the Big City to have Thanksgiving with her cousin's family. So it is us and my in laws this year.  10 seems so small compared to our usual crowds, but I'll take it!

I love the way the kids pitch in. The living room has to be emptied of furniture to make room for tables.  There is vacuuming and baking and dip making and baking and flatware to polish and baking. . .  Truly we started at 8 a.m. and the last item for today was finished about 6 p.m. I don't often wish for a double oven but today it would have been pretty cool!

I love being enfolded in family.  Ironically Thanksgiving was not a favorite holiday when I was growing up.  It felt like a grownups gathering where I could not find a place for myself.  My family thought I should watch the Macy's parade, which I despised.  Ironically, KC adores the parade and that truly is his tradition of choice, every year. I love the way the things we cook remind me of experiences or people I love.  I love the way polishing my mother in laws flatware from Thailand makes me feel close to her, even though she died many years ago.  I love mixing my family's silver candlesticks into the decor and the things K and I have bought together over the years.  I love to arrange my black angel holding the harvest basket near our cornucopia.  Somehow we have quilted together an amazing tapestry of family, friends and we are held together by love.

This weekend launches the season of festive craziness.  Tomorrow night I am Black Friday shopping with friends.  We are gathering at 11 p.m. so hopefully i have time to nap for a couple hours before we head out but we shall see.  Then on Friday we decorate our house for Christmas.  Rob does not have to go into work till 2 and this is the only day we will ALL be home together until--well, probably Christmas.  So it is important to me that we decorate together that day.  Rob is the guy who always gets our tree up and put together just so.  And Chet will help decant the 11 totes of decor from the attic so we can get festive.  After that I hope to nap a bit as that evening the kids and my wife and I are going to see the play The Best Christmas Pageant Ever.  My wife really wanted to see this and I love theater so I was easily talked into it. It is the only night my wife has off, so that is why this to will jam up that time period.  But Saturday I can relax a bit and there is always coffee.  And Christmas music. 

Fiona's Thanksgiving

This Thanksgiving Fiona spent the holiday with her first mom J.  She wants to spend Christmas with us.  I am fine with this and had reassured her multiple times that I was more than okay with this.  We talked during the week and i wished her a happy thanksgiving early on Wednesday and asked her to give my love to J and the rest of the family when she saw them.  She said she would. She called me Thursday and we exchanged greetings.  All was well.

Friday morning we were bringing down our Christmas decor and putting away all the harvest decorations when Fiona video chatted me.  I was thrilled to hear from her but certainly not looking my best. I had gone out on Black Friday shopping and got home at 2 a.m. By 7 a.m. I was up and we were in the midst of the holiday home bustle.  I (ahem) had  not even gotten out of my jammies.  My hair looked like the wreck of the hesperus.  But I never refuse to talk.  Fi and I talked and then Rob and Fi, Then Rob and J.  Then J and I.  It was good conversation all round, my bad hair and pj ensemble not withstanding.  I was especially glad for Rob who later when we were talking said that his conversations with J are getting easier.

However, the bloom was off the rose so to speak by today.  I got a video call again from Fiona but this one said that she wanted to go back to her program.  Right then.  Immediately.  I explained that she was a long way away and that immediately was not an option but that I would reach out to the staff and make sure someone was on the way.  I was surprised she was still there as I had said that the visit should not be more than Wed. through Friday evening. (by evening back at her program)  My reasoning for this is that I believe Fi needs help in interpreting and charting her relationship with J as a young adult.  To stay too long would I feared lead to her magical thinking of staying there or trying to recreate fantasies that were not realized in her childhood.  It also is a lot to put on J for her to be there for more than the equivilent of a weekend. Fiona needs a lot of monitoring and doesn't typically do well amusing herself.  Left to her own devices she interprets a lack of constant attention as being ignored.

The latter is what happened.  I spoke with Fi tonight and she is still angry about the visit. She feels that extended family ignore her and don't include her.  My gut feeling on this is that they include her to the best of their abilities but that they are not disabled and some of her interests are not those of most regularly functioning adults.

We had a fairly good and very long talk about it all. She did admit that she thought she would just fit seamlessly into things going back for visits.  Once she had a chance to vent I tried to suggest to her that her cousins and even her sister have had years to develop other interests and just as she has shows and interests that are important to her, so do they.  She said she was angry that her sister Crystal does not want a relationship with J.  She feels that is unfair.  I said that part of being an adult was letting Crystal decide for herself what was right for her at this point in her life. It could change.  But it was not up to Fi to be the change agent. She had to focus on her own relationship with J and work on that being a healthy one.

I wish with all my heart that Fiona had a good therapist on board to help with this.  I feel vastly underqualified to sail these waters without professional support.  However she is on a waiting list for therapy due to her medical insurance and has all ready been on the list for a number of months.

Spooky Solutions

Fiona and I had a long phone conversation today. She is coming for a visit home next Saturday but the holidays are starting to be first and foremost in her mind.  I expected that.  Holidays are very much a mixed blessing for her.  On the one hand, she looks forward to them almost as much as KC and Lissa.  On the other hand, the double whammy of her birthday and Christmas remains hard for her to manage.  Though she is turning 24 this year she has no money concept and is prone to asking for gifts that are far beyond the price point of what I can provide for her.  I can expect several conversations this year with varying degrees of success about this.  Last year for instance, she wanted a 250 ipod touch as one of her gifts.  It was hard to explain to her that Christmas for 5 kids means everyone gets something that they want but that there are limits to what I can spend and how many gifts I can supply.

This year, Fi has had more visits home to her first mom, Mom J.  She told me today that Mom J wants her there for Halloween so she can go out when they take her sister R who is about Lissa's age, out trick or treating.  Fiona was feeling conflicted because she always comes with us and was afraid KC and Lissa would be upset. She thought she had come up with a solution which involved all of us going out together.  Which would be fine except that we live 2 1/2 hours apart!  

I explained that we would miss her but that in big families we have to take turns being together.  We had been lucky enough to have her with us for a bunch of Halloween celebrations.  It was J and R's turn and no one would be angry or upset if that was what she wanted to do.  I explained the logistics of why it was not possible for us to trick or treat together.  Distance, the week night etc all play a role.  Also I know J does not drive and I reminded her that I do very little night driving because of my migraines.

I suggested that she and I brain storm with the rest of the family about a place where next summer we could have a big potluck picnic type gathering.  Ideally we can find some place 1/2 way between us all with lots of space to gather, eat and play.  She was very excited by that possiblility and it is something I would genuinely like to do.  I am hoping her cousin N might have some ideas of possible places and I will start googling looking for ideas too.

Chinese food Saturday

Today Fiona was due to come home for a visit and I wondered how things would go.  Not only did she have a stressful experience last evening, but her group home is again in transition.  The really good house manager that has been there just shy of 2 years has moved on and there are other staffing changes as well.  Whenever there is a transition it is tremendously hard for her.  Additionally, it means there is less support for her to access as she processes any feelings or concerns that come up as she reconnects with Mom J.

So I was not surprised when Fi called me mid morning, angry and confrontational.  She had been asked to not play her music loudly in the common room where others were watching TV.  She felt she had every right to do that no matter what.  Staff later told me that she was playing her music so loud the music could be heard clearly even though she was wearing her headphones.  Eeks!

While I agree that she was appropriately asked to move to another location or to lower the volume of the music the new staffer also told Fiona that if she didn't comply that she would "lose her visit."  Fiona quite rightly said that the only time her visit is jeopardized is if she has a hold.  I won't take her off site if she is that unstable but anything else, i am okay with.

However that comment from the staff was the tiny straw that broke the back of the tenuous grip that she has held on her emotions since the loss of the former house manager.  Much ranting ensued in thephone conversation and somehow she wound up telling me she didn't want a visit anyway, she didn't want me to bring spending money, and I could just leave her alone.  I explained that I would be coming with her months spending money but that she of course had a choice of seeing me or not.

By the time I got there, a more experienced staff had helped her find some calm, and gotten her to a place where she could more rationally discuss the other staff's mistake, and her own role in the incident.  I suggested that instead of coming home, that she and I go out for lunch and she agreed.

We ate at a Chinese restaurant not far from the group home.  A cute little family run place.  I had a yummy spicy tofu, and she had her favorite crab rangoons and chicken wings.  We were able to talk about her visit yesterday, happy anecdotes of her time there, concerns that she had over the transport issue, plans for future visits there with Mom J and plans for visits with us.

The best thing is that it ended well. A year ago, maybe even 6 months ago, she wouldn't have gotten things together enough to even go to lunch. Huge growth for my daughter and I am so proud.

Adoption and the Olympics

I have been watching the Olympics and enjoying all my favorite events. (which is basically anything except water polo!)  I especially adore gymnastics and have loved watching the women's team this year. They are a dominating force and the routines leave me breathless with awe.  I am also pretty excited about the racial diversity on our team.  In a sport that was pretty much dominated caucasians, we have 2 blacks and a hispanic on our winning team. There are a two caucasians but the demographic of the team is startlingly different from previous years.

However what is not different is the media frenzy surrounding Simone Biles and her adoption story.  I have watched this unfold and it is painful at so very many levels.  First off, I am feeling very very badly for Simone herself.  Her personal life is out there for public dissection in every conceiveable way.  Adoptive parents are rallying around the "we are the real parents" banner.  First mothers are rallying around the "first families are forgotten" camp.  Foster parents and foster alums are weighing in.  All come with their own stories which color their perspectives.  And all i see is a young woman whose amazing gymnastic abilities and achievements are somehow incredibly being second fiddle to her very personal adoption/family story.

I want to be very clear that I wholeheartedly respect first families.  They are my kids family.  They have become my family, because we all love the same people.  And we all want what is best for the kids and we have learned from each other and we value each other.  I personally feel the portrayal of Simone's first mother in the press is cold and painful.  No one needs the labels that this woman has endured.  And if she is as she stated, sober for many years, it's even worse.  People make mistakes, sometimes horrible ones.  If we are lucky, and have a dose of common sense, we have an opportunity to learn from those mistakes.  I feel that the media is not giving Shannon Biles that chance. And the media circus could derail any opportunity in the future for Simone and Shannon to have a relationship should they wish to develop it.

Does this mean I don't support her adoptive parents?  No, of course not.  Her grandparents stepped up and they have clearly done a great job raising an amazing young woman.  The fact that Simone calls them mom and dad bothers me not a whit.  Kids choose what they want to call the people who love them. Also most kids have a nearly desperate need to fit in. I can see these factors playing into Simone's decision to call them that.  I have kids that call their first moms Mom.  I have kids that call their first mom's Mom followed by their first name)  I have kids that call their first mom by their first name.

It has never been my decision what to call their mom. It has been theirs.  I am happy being one of the moms. I am happy being lucky enough to be the mom that gets to kiss them goodnight, hear about their day and make memories on a daily basis with them.

Let's let amazing athletic achievements be the thing we watch and talk about.  Let's let these fine young people have a personal life this isn't dissected and the source of media sound bites.

KC and Fathers Day

On the way back from our city's downtown festival, KC and I had a chance to talk. I knew something was bothering him. I could tell this morning.  It's just that thing you sense as a parent. Nothing specific, Just a set to his shoulders, a quietness that is at odds with his personality.  I had asked him earlier if things were okay and he said he'd talk to me later.

Walking was a good way to talk. It was just us. But we were moving, yet walking meant staying sort of in synch and step with each other.  It was sort of a way of being connected without looking and touching much. So with his hair brilliantly pink--a breast cancer fundraiser thing he did at the festival--we walked and talked.

He wanted to tell me how hard this weekend is.  Fathers Day advertising has apparently been beating him over the head the past week and it has reached the point where it was very painful.  If I listened to ads, I would have noticed that.  As it was, I was late buying my card for my FIL so clearly I was off my game.

For KC we know nothing about his dad. We have been able to find Mom Y and make contact but there are painful circumstances surrounding his father.  I have not shared those with KC.  I know someday I will have to.  I know I have read that our kids are more resiliant that we think and that they would rather know even a bad thing (and in this case it is a REALLY) bad thing than what they imagine.  But I am absolutely positive that this is not a level of knowledge this guy is ready for.

What I am grateful for is that he was comfortable sharing. My kids all understand that I have no relationship with my father.  My FIL is 'Dad' to me. But KC wisely said that his pain was different.  "At least you know what your dad looked like" he said.  "And even though he was a jerk and doesn't love you, you know that."  "I don't even know if my dad is black."

And he is right.  There is pain in the lack of love that my father has for me.  But I have a sense of identity.  I know my father's family, at least vaguely.  I have a sense of my heritage. For him, there isn't that.  He has decided that he does not want to ask Mom Y if she can share anything about his father.  He is afraid that it might be painful for her and that it would in his words "ruin any chance of a relationship" with her.

It really was a time when all I could do was hug him and tell him I knew he hurt and that I loved him.  It's not the kind of hurt I can heal, but I can be with him while he struggles.  I hope that helps.

Hard Questions

The term "hard questions" or "hard conversations" for most of my friends seem to be those that parents have regarding changing bodies, sexual identity, and relationships.  We have those too,but being an adoptive parent means there are other hard conversations that are unique to adoption.

We've had a bunch of them.  Conversations about finding first families.  Conversations about feeling conflicted or angry and me. Or at first mom.  Conversations about loss and genetics. Abandonment. But yesterday KC learned that he was born drug exposed and for me, that was my hardest one to date.

It happened because of an ad.  We went to Maine to visit my mom and had Maine radio on in the car on the way home.  We'd been singing along to some pop songs and an ad came on.  Lissa was asking me a question about stopping for ice cream and I didn't really hear the ad till it was part way in.

It gave statistics on the number of children in Maine born drug exposed and went on from there.  I felt my breath catch in my throat. It was that moment when you just knew the question was going to come.  And it did.

My worry was that KC would be upset and we were driving, in relatively busy highway traffic.  In a car full of his siblings, who like all kids vary wildly from highly compassionate to oblivious.  He immediately asked "was that what happened to me."

I said that it was, and it was why he and Mom Y share a birthday. She had been very careful during her pregnancy (which is true) but on that one night she celebrated and made a choice and used crack. This made her go into labor early and he was born that same night.  I added that this was part of why he was in the NICU after he was born.

And that was it.  I waited for tears, for angry words.  (like most kids, KC has a fairly intense sense of right and wrong and holds adults to a high standard.)  He has always crafted a little story for himself of how when he was a baby he wanted to see the world so much he decided to come early.  I have always allowed that, and I wondered if he would bring that up now.  Nope.  He just meshed that new info in with the old and went back to trying out the new sketching pad and pencils he got from Nana.

And there were no bad dreams last night or sleep problems, so I am inclined to believe it really is okay.  I am sure that we will talk more in the days and years to come.  I am sure there may come a time when it may cause pain.  But I hope that he is able to see that everyone makes mistakes, and that Mom Y's love for him comes through in her letters. And that our love is always there enfolding him.

Going to get my hair did!

Time--free time that is, is that rarest of commodities lately.  Work is very busy, we are in the midst of audit cycles right now.  College is winding down for the semester for Rob, but he has projects and special things associated with wrapping up the semester that are demanding his time and attentions.  Also raising havoc with our otherwise predictable train schedules.

We are coming closer to dance recital weekend for the youngers and that has also made for extra scheduling challenges.  KC is in the production number at the end (as well as 5 dances) so he has extra practice sessions at the school on days and times that we don't usually allocate to dance.

My homeschooled kids have more friends than I probably had in my entire 12 years of public school and weekends have been peppered with birthday party invites.

Fiona has been home for visits, some have been good, others have been a struggle for her.  Overall I think she is doing better than she has in quite some time.  But I also have some first family issues that may require my attention.  It's not bloggable and what's going on is not a danger.  But it still requires some input from me.  And it feels odd to have some of the first family coming to me and saying that they needed my help handling a situation involving another family member and Fiona.

My wife's business has been off the hook busy and so when I am home I have tried to take on more of the house chores to lighten her load.

But tomorrow?  Tomorrow is a day with a big chunk of it carved out just.for.me.  You all have no idea how weird that is.  My idea of "me time" is reading while I wait up for Rob to get home from work.  I finish my piece work by 10 or 10:30 and read till 11:30 when he gets home on Friday and Saturdays.  And as much as I love to read, well a body needs a bit of pampering.  So tomorrow I am taking the day off from work and getting my hair done.

Done how? Haven't a clue.  I have "bad" hair.  Unlike my girls hair, my hair doesn't stay where you put it. It is thin  and lifeless. It has no body.  It has well,no pizzazz. I'm not thinking tomorrow will give it pizzazz but at least it will be a nice cut and maybe highlights or foils or something daring and decadent to welcome spring.

It's not going to take all day but I will use the rest of the time to do all the chores I normally allocate to Saturday. This Saturday I am taking the kids up to Maine to see my mom.  We usually go for Maple Sugar Sunday but this year that fell on Easter so we didn't go.  Christmas Eve was when we saw her last.  I had planned to go up in February or March but for most of February and all of March one or the other of us was ill.  She is old enough now that I don't want to risk bringing germs so we waited for spring and better health for us all.

Busy?  Sure, but blessed also!

Joy

I have been the recipient of the family plague.  Congestion, coughing, chills, lots of fun.  I am on week 2 and despite the note of whining you may detect in the above sentences, I am not deathly ill.  For the most part I have been able to totter  toddle along fairly well.  But the coughing thing is hard and annoying so I did something I almost never do, and asked for a substitute teacher for my RE class.  An hour and 15 minutes of nearly constant talking in a hot dry room would not work particularly well.  And when the parents arrived to hear me hacking like a TB patient in one of those old movies, they would also be likely to be annoyed.

So although today is a "lazy" day for me, the days up till today have not been.  Thursday was Fiona's team meeting for her annual review and planning.  Her worker from DDS was there, as was her house manager, her behavioral specialist, and others who help along the way.  It was by far the best meeting that we have had.  Fiona did an amazing job advocating for herself and articulating things that she would like to achieve.  The DDS worker and I helped Fiona to open up and explain what made her uncomfortable with the experience. This helped us to suggest changes to the process so that she might be able to achieve success.

The DDS worker also makes unannounced visits to the home that Fi lives in.  Apparently this is mandated so that she can make sure all is as it should be.  Unfortunately, partly due to the way the DDS worker presents herself and partly due to Fiona's own lack of understanding, Fiona hates this. She feels that DDS is putting "her business" out for the other peers in the home to be knowing.  Intensely private, this has caused Fi to have a full blown meltdown and numerous late night calls to me when these visits occured.  I brought it up, trying to frame it in a way that did not embarrass Fi, anger DDS etc.  I thankfully succeeded and there was a good explanation to Fi about what is really going on when DDS visits.  A plan was made on a place for Fiona to go and wait for the worker so that she was not sitting with peers and feeling anxious.  Fingers crossed that it works.

After the meeting, Fiona asked if she could take me to lunch and we went to a sub shop together and chatted some more and just relaxed.  It was really great to see her feeling positive about this and feeling like these were goals that she achieved.

Then yesterday, Cousin N came out to do the maintenance session for Lissa's locks. They are coming along beautifully and it was fun to hang out while she did Lissa's hair. Fiona was home for the visit and N brought her daughter C who hung out with KC and Fiona and Rob while Lissa got her hair done.  I cooked a big lunch for everyone and there was also an epic nerf gun battle.

Blending families, understanding where we all come from and what gifts and challenges we bring to relationships takes time.  N and I have a really blooming friendship.  Lissa considers her her "big cousin" and N is deeply touched and considers us family as well.  Just watching everyone interact together and listening to the laughter and sharing the dreams fills me  with joy.

It's a Loc!

Today Lissa got her long awaited locs!  This was such an emotional journey at so many levels.  One of  the things I am acutely aware of is the importance of hair within the black culture.  That well groomed hair signifies more than I think it does for "white folks."  Well groomed hair shows love, familial attention, and is really regarded as the girls crowning glory.  I won't even get into the "good" hair debate, but knowledge of proper hair care is hugely important.  Needless to say, I realized from the day we brought Lissa home that I would need to learn to do things with hair that were very different from what I did with mine.  (for the record that would consist of absently running a comb through my hair)  I learned hair types and moisturizers, co-washes and braiding. I learned twists and up-dos, protective styles and satin bonnets.  I saturated myself in as much knowledge as I could so that my baby would never feel that her hair did not look good or that she looked like no one in her family knew how to care for kinky coily hair.

I found that I loved working with her hair.  It did things that my hair can't.  Namely it stayed where I  put it! It was fun accessorizing and learning new techniques. But my princess is also a very active diva and she also began to make it known to me that she didn't love weekly hair sessions.  She liked the one on one time, but the sitting? Not so much. More than a year ago she saw locs and told me she wanted them.

I confess that initially my heart stopped. There is much written about how white parents handle their black children's hair.  A number of parents have done locs because they didn't know/want to care for their children's hair and their perception is that this would be easier.  (which in some ways is I think true) I did not want anyone thinking that I was doing this for that reason because I wasn't.  I also was worried because Lissa might change her mind a year or two from now.  Which would necesitate what is commonly called "The Big Chop."  Now a hair cut is not the end of the world, but Lissa's has never been cut.  Ever.  When it is wet, it goes 1/2 way down her back.  Eeks.

Rob and Fiona's cousin N is a fantastic stylist.  Not only is she pleasant and gifted with hair but she makes house calls! She is a travelling stylist and I LOVE this!  We talked and she put my mind at ease so today was the day. Locing day!

She came at 10:30 and by 3:00 Lissa's head was done.  The locs were first put into bantu knots to give them a rest while they dried and the beautiful curl that you see in the picture.  And I have spent the evening thinking what a blessed and amazing experience this journey has been.  Lissa and I have been enfolded in familial and community love during this.  We gathered in our kitchen for the day, laughing, eating sharing stories and doing hair.  It was probably the most intensely female experience that I have ever had.  Interestingly the boys all stayed away.  They would come get food that I cooked but carried it off to other rooms to eat and do whatever manly things were on their minds (or tablets!) I really think there was just so much feminine energy in the kitchen that they didn't want to hang out there.

There was strengthening extended family ties.  N and i have become good friends over the years and genuinely enjoy being together.  Adoption is about such a wide circle and my kids are all blessed by how big that circle is and how much love is shared.

There was affirmation for Lissa on how beautiful her hair is.  This is of huge importance to me.  I want her to love her hair.  In our community many black women perm their hair.  Natural hair is less common--flat irons, blow outs and perms are a bit more the norm.  I want Lissa to see the beauty that her hair has and not feel compelled to try and mimic what her hair is not--namely straight caucasian style hair.

And lastly, there was validation for me.  N loved the products that I use on Lissa. She said what great condition Lissa's hair was in, how well hydrated it was (black hair needs to be fed lots of moisture) and that there was no damage. Truly, music to my ears!

The only sad part of the day was that Fiona had an incident at her group home and couldn't be here with us as we had planned.  However I tried to reassure Fi that this is not the only time N will come out and we will have time for us to all be together again soon.

The road less travelled

As an adoptive parent I have ALWAYS tried to make sure my kids know that they can come to me anytime. And ask about anything.  They can ask about their first families. They can ask about how they came home. They can ask about why adoption exists.Whatever.   I may squirm inside from time to time, but these conversations are important and a huge part of our family tapestry.

Several months ago, Fiona asked me about her birth father. Unfortunately I had not info at all on him--not even his name is present on her original birth certificate.  I said she would have to ask Mom J for information on that and that I would help her with that conversation if she felt that she needed it.

She thought about it (for a loooong time, like several months) and then decided she would like to talk to her first mom about him.  She wanted to know simple things.  His name.  What he liked to do with her.  What he contributed to her racial and ethnic identity.

I got in contact with J and explained what Fiona wanted and asked if she would be okay with having this conversation.  Alternatively, she could write a letter or message us via social media.  She wrote back that she would be fine with answering any of my daughter's questions and would tell my son Rob anything he wanted to know as well.

As luck would have it, Fi was home that weekend and we made the call.  J and I talked a bit and then she and Fiona talked. Fi got her questions answered and I think this was another step in something I can only describe as emotional completeness.

Adoption leaves these blank spots.  Relationships lost or misunderstood.  People forgotten.  Stories that make sense of our connections are not told. For Fiona, filling those blank spaces is crucial to her healing.  On the other hand, at this point Rob wants nothing to do with Mom J.  I told him about the call and what J had said.  He made sure he was not available when we made the call.  When the call was over, he immediately resurfaced and joined in our activities cheerfully. Rob has strong connections with other first family members, siblings and cousins and aunts and uncles.  He just can't figure out yet what his relationship is--if there IS a relationship--with J.  He also is a bit put off by the fact that she and I are friends.

It is hard to explain to Fiona that he needs to walk his own path and that there will probably come a time when he is ready for this, but that it is not now.  And that while I support her journey, I also support his.  Fiona's cognitive delays make it hard for her to see why this is okay.  I wound up falling back on "he's your little brother; remember you are the BIG sister and so you are ready for this before him."  Which is not really the why of it but if it makes things okay, I'll run with it.

Ironically, Fi shares more of this journey with KC who has always wanted to know as much as possible about Mom Y.  Last night he came downstairs and said he wanted to know why she gave him up for adoption. He'd been thinking about it he said, and he didn't know how to ask.  The words came out in a blur, rapidfire, and his eyes were huge.  That conversation started with a hug and I could feel him lean into me hard.  We talked about how people don't always have good supports in their life to help them and that his mom lived with her parents--how space and money concerns can make for hard choices. It was enough for now.  I have grown adept at reading the "full up" signals in my kids--when the conversation has gone far enough for now.  But I remain ready to talk again when the need arises.

Holiday blur!

I blinked and it was Thanksgiving!  I guess it just feels that way.  Life is so busy and I am always trying to soak up every minute of it.  It was a wonderful day.  A day filled with joy, laughter, family and friends.  As usual, there was lots to prepare.  Our gatherings are so large we don't fit in our dining room any more.  There is a large table there but squish 13 plus people around it and no one can move.  So we move all the furniture out of the living room, bring in banquet tables and rental chairs and find it accommodates all who come much better. 

I was sad that my older kids cousin N was not able to come this year due to transportation difficulties.  Even the younger kids missed seeing her--though I think in that case it was primarily because her daughter is around KC's age and they are very good friends. 

Food was delish, the table looked pretty and managed to combine things from all the various families whether it was in the food choices or the flatware, or the salt cellars that were my great grandparents.  KC got to watch the Macy's parade with his Aunt Lynne.  Their tradition was snowed out last year and they had to resort to watching in their separate locations and texting as they saw the floats go by.  He was happy that this year, it was "normal."

Friday morning found us decorating for Yule.  I had gathered all the harvest decor the night before so that we could jump into decorating right away. I knew it was something the kids would want to do first thing and I was not wrong.

Our house is a sprawly old victorian.  It can and does get a lot of decorating. We are still not quite done but things are looking festive and it does not look overblown.  One would think it might if you saw how many totes of decorations came from the attic, but really it gets spread over so many rooms that it is really pretty.  Rob still likes to put the tree together for us and helped the littles and I decorate it.  K focusses on the outside.  Chet pretty much stays in his room till we are done and then he likes to help ferry the boxes back to the attic and vacuum up the floors.  The littles flit here and there and bring me items for the displays and decorate the little trees in their bedrooms.  Christmas is still magical to them and it still is to me for that matter. I love the music, the sparkles, the memories.

Saturday we had our usual errands, went to our church craft fair,  and then spent the afternoon with friends at the local roller rink.  These friends used to live right next door to us and the kids so very much miss their best buds.  So for 4 hours we skated and chatted and had a blast.

Sunday we drove up to Maine to see my mom.  She has some health issues right now and will be having a cardiac test tomorrow at the hospital up there.  If things are not good they will likely do an immediate stint.  We brought her favorite soups and canned fruits so she will not have to worry about food as she rests from whatever is done, reading material and music. And of course just being there with our love and laughter helped her greatly. When we got home, Lissa marched in our town's holiday parade and tree lighting ceremony. 

Compared to the rest of December, this was a relaxing weekend!

FAMILY

Last week Rob and Fiona's cousin messaged me and said that she was starting a business and was looking for my help. She is becoming a travelling stylist and wants to specialize in doing hair for black  kids in group homes, or foster or adoptive placements.  She wanted to know if there were contacts I could point her towards to get some clients.  I was happy to be asked. I think this is a GREAT idea and I will help any way I can.

I know how many hours I spent on you tube learning how to do Lissa's hair. And there are still many things I am not facile with, but I make it my business to keep learning.  There are people who don't want, or perhaps can't invest that amount of time and effort into learning the hair care. This does not mean that those kids that they are caring for or parenting don't deserve to have hair they are proud of and feel well groomed.

I got right on it and N messaged me tonight that she all ready had her first client from a contact that I sent her.  OK so that made me pretty happy for her.  Here's what made me pretty happy for me. . . N posted on FB about her new business and how excited she was about her first new client.  Someone asked her how she got started and she said . . . "I reached out to a family member."

It is not a secret that I have worked hard on first family relationships.  I have written before that adoption means families grow by more than the child(ren) who are now mine.  They are also sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, cousins,and those family members have a place in their lives and in mine.  I love them. I care about them. We are in pretty frequent contact. It wasn't easy.  All of us reached and grew past places of comfort and made new paths and connections together.  We share holidays, celebrate milestones, and at the end of the day--we are family.

Talking. . .

So there were lots more conversations via text and Facebook with D last night.  He wrote that above all he did not want me to feel badly and then the flood gates of commuication were unleashed by him.  He has been essentially homeless since the baby was born, couch surfing and his fiancee and their baby are presently living out of state with her family as a result. He has no credit and could not get an apartment, she has bad credit and could not get an apartment.  They could not find someone to cosign.

I said that I work in housing and maybe I was butting in but that I would do everything I could to help them find housing.  When I was lucky enough to become Rob's mom, my family grew by more than just Rob. He and K and many many more were now in my mind, family.  So to please reach out (and I promised to not have it on facebook, which made him laugh) and i would do all I could. I do not want him to be homeless. He is a bright, kind and intelligent young man.

He said that he was grateful for any and all help and was in a very humbling place right now.  He said he considers me family and has for a long time.  Now to get to work on finding this young man a home.

Mothers Day

Mothers Day is always the day we celebrate my wife and my partner in our life's journey. This morning the kids feted her with roses, a journal, gift card and breakfast in bed.  Chores were odne with out complaint and her day began in a very peaceful and loving way.

I love mothers day and taking that pause to show her and my mom how much we care.  It is also a time when I think of my kids first mom's.  Some we are able to keep in contact with and reach out to, others, I don't know.  But I love them.  I honor them.  And if I ever get the chance to, I would love to share that with them and let them get to know their amazing child(ren).

I know too, that for Fiona at least, that this is a hard day.  Though we have contact with Mom J her feelings remain conflicted about J and her past.  Loving me I think sometimes feels disloyal and it is hard for her to process all of this.  This year Fi has struggled a lot in the past 6 weeks and we opted not to have her home for Mothers Day weekend.  I don't want to look like I am waving the mother hood flag in her face or asking her for gifts or expressions of feelings she may not be sure she has.

Our conversations of the past few weeks have had lots of volatile conversations followed by tearful ones the next day.  I am trying to make sure she knows that I am always going to love her and always going to be there, while still imparting the fact that I have feelings and that her really big feelings don't give her the right to verbally abuse me. It is, as they say, a work in progress.

Today instead of having her home, I am driving up to see her.  I have bought her hair for extensions she would like to have put in and have her spending money for the month. We will go out to a coffee shop and get a coffee and something light and spend a bit of time together.  It will hopefully be the connections she needs without causing her pain.

Costume time!

It was costume week at the dance school this week!  This is Lissa as a flower.  She is also a tiger, which is equally cute and her hip hop number is the evil witch's guards.  All of them are cute as can be.

KC is a farmer, one of the evil witch's guard, his ballet number is "glinda's magic" which is an cream colored top with poet sleeves and long black pants, and jazz finds him an "emerald city kid."  The dance studio always does a production that is part theater and part dance, so it is more entertaining than the average recital. As you probably guessed, this year is the Wizard of Oz.  KC has also signed up to be in the final production dance so he is going to be busy with rehearsals for sure.

Lissa has all ready decided that she will drop all but hip hop next year.  She is really a dancer for the sociability of it and would rather spend Saturday mornings in a bit more leisurely fashion and perhaps sign up for swim classes.  KC is horrified that she wants to give up the ballet/tap and jazz combo class.  He quite rightly knows that ballet is a real core to a successful dancer. What he can't wrap his head around is that Lissa doesn't care about being a great dancer. She is there to have fun. He is there because it is a driving passion in him.

My boss was asking me last week if KC's dance love was a "nurture" or "nature" thing in my opinion.  She knows that my mom and my aunt had dance schools and that I danced all the way through school.  The thing is though, that I never suggested dance to KC. KC is the one who drove that train right out of the station.  He started dancing once he finally decided to walk and just never stopped.  Whether it was making up tap dances from his own mind or flitting around with scarves to classical music, it was really all him.  Somewhere in his biological family someone has a love of dance and a passion and ability for it.  Frankly I suspect that both of those things in him far surpass my abilities. I was a good dancer, but never great.  I didn't care enough.  I wasn't hungry for it.  He is genuinely committed to the core. He also has a sense of color and costume style and is not shy about voicing his opinions. I am blessed that the dance school values that input and allows some of the modifications he feels are important on his costuming.

But I have had several long conversations with him about how Lissa has to be allowed to find her own passions. Hers could be swimming, or basketball or any number of things and she can and will be allowed to explore and find her own passion.  I think he gets it now--at least gets that she has the right to do something else besides dance.  He just can't figure out why she wants to!