A few days ago I contacted OmniSearch whose on line advertising says that they are both licensed private investigators and that they specialize in adoption/adoptee searches. The senior person in the firm called me yesterday afternoon at work. We talked and I shared with her all the information I had accumulated about KC's first mother and the story of why we were searching for her. She said I had so much data that this would likely be the easiest search that she has ever done. She could have information for us as soon as next week! So this post is merely a reminder to save every scrap of information if you are an adoptive parent. Notes you jot down when you are talking on the phone, papers you are given upon discharge from the hospital, I saved literally everything in a huge binder. By going through those I was able to glean her name, her address as of 8 years ago, her social, her DOB, her daughter's name and age, the name and address of an emergency contact when she was admitted to the hospital for delivery and her place of birth. Pragmatically also, the more info you have, the less such a search will cost. I was told a search usually was at least $1300.00. Mine will be no where close to that.
The search is extremely iimportant to KC. The fact that he can see me working on it, and the fact that I can tell him the information I have is slightly helpful, but mostly the fact that he can see me trying. Kids are visual. He watched me put the facts into as much order as I could. He watched as I combed through Facebook trying to find her. He is affirmed over and over that I am with him on this journey and to the best of my ability I will help him.
I hope that this agency is able to find her and that she is open to hearing from a little boy who wants so much to hear her voice.
Friday, January 11, 2013
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Planning for Fiona's future
Had a good call last night with Fiona and Jane. Fiona is back at school and doing relatively well. She is set to come for a visit on the 26th. Fi and Jane met with a Transition team comprised of many professionals from a wide variety of service organizations to start planning for Fiona's life post-Great School.
I was glad that Fiona was part of the meeting and she seemed to be happy about that as well. She told the people present that she wanted to be placed in our area but also wanted to keep in contact with her family in the Big City and with the friends she has made at the Great School. The Dept of Developmental Disabilities people seemed supportive of her wishes and Jane is great at getting Fiona to put her wants out there to be considered and heard. For instance Fiona would like to be able to have a pet. I think that is HUGE. She loves animals and has a great relationship with ours and with Jane's. I think there is much that animals offer in the way of calming and unconditional love that is of huge benefit. Fiona also wanted to know the procedure for the transition. Jane said the plan would be to have her visit and make sure she liked the place. Then there would be a day visit and probably an overnight and then she would move there. Fiona wanted to know if she could refuse the placement if she didn't like it from the visit and Jane said she really did not know. A lot would depend on if there were other places available but that she should let people know if there were things she did not like because all we could do was try.
Jane has a really fantastic ability to break things down into understandable chunks of info and to make something that is really big seem a lot less scary. Fiona still sounded edgy and a bit worried but definately calmer after the call. I am charged with writing a letter to someone (address and name have not yet been given to me) on why placing Fiona nearer to us is of benefit to her. I am more than ready to do that, and am trying to put out of my mind Jane's words to me that the freedoms that Fiona has had during her years in the Great School are likely to be the most freedom she will have in her life. . . there are miracles. The Great School was one such. Maybe there will be another.
I was glad that Fiona was part of the meeting and she seemed to be happy about that as well. She told the people present that she wanted to be placed in our area but also wanted to keep in contact with her family in the Big City and with the friends she has made at the Great School. The Dept of Developmental Disabilities people seemed supportive of her wishes and Jane is great at getting Fiona to put her wants out there to be considered and heard. For instance Fiona would like to be able to have a pet. I think that is HUGE. She loves animals and has a great relationship with ours and with Jane's. I think there is much that animals offer in the way of calming and unconditional love that is of huge benefit. Fiona also wanted to know the procedure for the transition. Jane said the plan would be to have her visit and make sure she liked the place. Then there would be a day visit and probably an overnight and then she would move there. Fiona wanted to know if she could refuse the placement if she didn't like it from the visit and Jane said she really did not know. A lot would depend on if there were other places available but that she should let people know if there were things she did not like because all we could do was try.
Jane has a really fantastic ability to break things down into understandable chunks of info and to make something that is really big seem a lot less scary. Fiona still sounded edgy and a bit worried but definately calmer after the call. I am charged with writing a letter to someone (address and name have not yet been given to me) on why placing Fiona nearer to us is of benefit to her. I am more than ready to do that, and am trying to put out of my mind Jane's words to me that the freedoms that Fiona has had during her years in the Great School are likely to be the most freedom she will have in her life. . . there are miracles. The Great School was one such. Maybe there will be another.
Sunday, January 6, 2013
KC's Quest
I think I wrote earlier about KC's desire to find his first mom. I have tried to find her myself with pathetically poor results. Clearly I was not cut out to be a P.I. :-) It does not help that I am looking for someone with a name as common as Jane Smith. I thought I was really smart looking for the name of her duaghter who would be 10 but came up dry on that as well. Then I worried too that somehow someone would misinterpret me looking up a minor and I scared myself off that track.
His desire to find Yvonne and know how she is is very deep and palpable. He worries that she might die before we find her. While she is younger than I, knowing that she struggled with substance issues means that is not totally as unlikely as it might otherwise be.
Since I have proven to myself that I can't figure this out by noodling around on the computer I googled a website of a company that says it specializes in adoptee searching. I have sent an inquiry to them and am awaiting information on how they do this and what the cost factor is.
My wife and I are a bit divided on this subject. I feel that I have a responsibility to do everything I can to answer his questions and facilitate this if it seems to be a safe and appropriate possibility. I don't really have a reason to believe that it would not be. Although Yvonne had substance issues, she was by and large a very careful expectant mother and she had dreams for herself and her life post pregnancy. It is my deepest hope that she has been able to do something about those dreams. My wife is desperately afraid that something far less positive has happened and advocates not proceeding forward at all. I feel this breaks faith with our son and will not walk that road. If the news that is found--if news is found at all--is not good, then I will reach out to professionals on how to best handle it and how much to share with KC. But to be less than proactive and honest, I can not justify. I only hope I am right.
His desire to find Yvonne and know how she is is very deep and palpable. He worries that she might die before we find her. While she is younger than I, knowing that she struggled with substance issues means that is not totally as unlikely as it might otherwise be.
Since I have proven to myself that I can't figure this out by noodling around on the computer I googled a website of a company that says it specializes in adoptee searching. I have sent an inquiry to them and am awaiting information on how they do this and what the cost factor is.
My wife and I are a bit divided on this subject. I feel that I have a responsibility to do everything I can to answer his questions and facilitate this if it seems to be a safe and appropriate possibility. I don't really have a reason to believe that it would not be. Although Yvonne had substance issues, she was by and large a very careful expectant mother and she had dreams for herself and her life post pregnancy. It is my deepest hope that she has been able to do something about those dreams. My wife is desperately afraid that something far less positive has happened and advocates not proceeding forward at all. I feel this breaks faith with our son and will not walk that road. If the news that is found--if news is found at all--is not good, then I will reach out to professionals on how to best handle it and how much to share with KC. But to be less than proactive and honest, I can not justify. I only hope I am right.
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Leisurely Saturday
It's been a mellow day for the J-E Team! We lounged till 7:30 or so before heading out to the grocery store. There was no pressing need to hurry as dance classes don't resume till next week. However, the flu is highly prevalent in our area and I figure that the grocery store when nearly empty is less likely to be full of germs. I can't stop all our exposures, but it makes sense to limit where I can. In the same vein, I did not sign KC up for lego club which was this Saturday as the idea of 30 or 40 kids wiping their noses with their hands and sharing legos seemed a bit less than wise right now. When KC gets the flu he is sick for literally weeks, so I am sounding a bit like a germophobe but with good reason.
We were home by 9 a.m. and as I came around the van to open the back I managed to slip on a piece of ice and fall. However it was more funny than serious. I was not hurt in the least AND I managed to avoid spilling a drop of my coffee. (the latter being the most important part of the saga to me!) We unloaded and then went to our neighboring city's library instead of ours.
Years ago, when Chet was young we always went to the library in the neighboring city. This library has a different vibe than ours. Our city does not like differently abled people to "bother" the "regular" population. They have a spectacular library and they want people to use it with the reverance it deserves. Neighboring city welcomes in the street people and homeless so they can sit and read in the winter. See the difference? It was always the library where Chet was fully welcomed. He grew up becoming best of friends with the director of the childrens room there. From probably age 8 or so till about 5 years ago, he went there every Saturday with me. Rob too, grew up going there. The library at one time also offered spectacular free music programs and we took advantage of them as it was a great way to expose the kids to world music. KC and Lissa came along and they too as wee ones went with us to that library. Through it all, Miss J was a special friend to all.
Budget cuts came to the neighboring city and the library suffered. It had to reduce its hours so dramatically that it lost its certification. It was closed on Saturdays and no longer fit our schedule. I had to start going to the library in my own city. A gorgeous facility but not one where Chet is comfortable or they with him. There are individual staffers who like him, but he feels the tension there, and it results in his behavior worsening. I pick out his books for him from a list he gives me each week now. The budget is better this year for the neighboring city and the library is again open on Saturdays. Unfortunately, we are busy with dance lessons till nearly lunch and I confess to being too lazy to trek over to that library when I can get our books down the street. But I miss the friendly vibe and the kids ask often about Miss J.
Today we all made the drive over. It was a bit like visiting dignataries coming. Even the person working the main desk remembered us and welcomed us. Miss J, who has not changed a bit in all these years was still at her post in the childrens room. In that amazing way of librarians she remembered each kid and had a personal conversation with each one. It was delightful. I wish our city could worship its facility a bit less and make sure that the differently abled among us are fully welcomed.
The rest of the day I spent cleaning dresser drawers for the littles who have had the temerity to outgrow a plethora of clothes. I made a batch of cookies and sent a plate over to the neighbors after I filled our cookie jar. I cleaned the kitchen and bathroom and roasted veggies for me to take to work next week. Chatted with my SIL on the phone as we are trying to plan when they can come out to do Christmas. My BIL is a drummer in a band and it was supposed to happen 1/20 but his group is playing the night before so we are looking at February now!
The kids played outside for hours as it has warmed up a few degrees. Mellow, very mellow.
We were home by 9 a.m. and as I came around the van to open the back I managed to slip on a piece of ice and fall. However it was more funny than serious. I was not hurt in the least AND I managed to avoid spilling a drop of my coffee. (the latter being the most important part of the saga to me!) We unloaded and then went to our neighboring city's library instead of ours.
Years ago, when Chet was young we always went to the library in the neighboring city. This library has a different vibe than ours. Our city does not like differently abled people to "bother" the "regular" population. They have a spectacular library and they want people to use it with the reverance it deserves. Neighboring city welcomes in the street people and homeless so they can sit and read in the winter. See the difference? It was always the library where Chet was fully welcomed. He grew up becoming best of friends with the director of the childrens room there. From probably age 8 or so till about 5 years ago, he went there every Saturday with me. Rob too, grew up going there. The library at one time also offered spectacular free music programs and we took advantage of them as it was a great way to expose the kids to world music. KC and Lissa came along and they too as wee ones went with us to that library. Through it all, Miss J was a special friend to all.
Budget cuts came to the neighboring city and the library suffered. It had to reduce its hours so dramatically that it lost its certification. It was closed on Saturdays and no longer fit our schedule. I had to start going to the library in my own city. A gorgeous facility but not one where Chet is comfortable or they with him. There are individual staffers who like him, but he feels the tension there, and it results in his behavior worsening. I pick out his books for him from a list he gives me each week now. The budget is better this year for the neighboring city and the library is again open on Saturdays. Unfortunately, we are busy with dance lessons till nearly lunch and I confess to being too lazy to trek over to that library when I can get our books down the street. But I miss the friendly vibe and the kids ask often about Miss J.
Today we all made the drive over. It was a bit like visiting dignataries coming. Even the person working the main desk remembered us and welcomed us. Miss J, who has not changed a bit in all these years was still at her post in the childrens room. In that amazing way of librarians she remembered each kid and had a personal conversation with each one. It was delightful. I wish our city could worship its facility a bit less and make sure that the differently abled among us are fully welcomed.
The rest of the day I spent cleaning dresser drawers for the littles who have had the temerity to outgrow a plethora of clothes. I made a batch of cookies and sent a plate over to the neighbors after I filled our cookie jar. I cleaned the kitchen and bathroom and roasted veggies for me to take to work next week. Chatted with my SIL on the phone as we are trying to plan when they can come out to do Christmas. My BIL is a drummer in a band and it was supposed to happen 1/20 but his group is playing the night before so we are looking at February now!
The kids played outside for hours as it has warmed up a few degrees. Mellow, very mellow.
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
Fiona calls
Last night very late I checked my email before bed and Jane had written that Fiona was unexpectedly discharged and released back to the Great School. I suspect that this is one of the crushing examples of how poorly as a society we handle mental health crisis. The typical criteria for admission in such instances is is the patient likely to harm themselves or others. Fiona had physically assaulted a peer and needed stitches because of putting her arm through the window. Yet she was not admitted. I am sure it was a shortage of beds, but it is no less scary. We are creating the situations that lead to the tragedies we all fear by not having a more comprehensive and accessible mental health support system.
The bright light in all this is the Great School. They have put 1:1 staffing with Fiona without using force or unusually punitive measures. There are obviously restrictions because at this point she has yet to show that she can remain calm and safe. Fiona herself does not know if she can do those things and that too grieves me. How frightening it has to be to know you are out of control and powerless to do anything about it. I have had other children lose control--I think we all have--but when brains and neurological systems are healthy, there are any number of tools that can help a child re-set. Even Chet, with his autism, while he will fixate and be upset, will crave the solitude of his room and just retreat until the world makes more sense to him.
Fiona called this afternoon and she and Jane talked briefly with my wife. K did a great job and told her she needed not to worry about any other day than right now. Just be safe for today and that was all she had to do. I know that this all had to be really hard for my wife; there is an underlying level of fear and other complex emotions that she feels surrounding Fiona. Yet in the clutch, she really put our daughter's feelings and emotional health in the forefront.
I tried to call when I got home from work but was unable to make contact. Until she is more stable, it requires a staff person being available and near to a phone to get Fiona. Fiona called me back about an hour later. She sounds a bit disconnected still. There is a flatness to her voice when she is in crisis that I could hear. I told her I loved her, that I was always here for her. I told her that on New Years Eve we all wrote a wish for the new year. KC's was to have more visits with her. She sounded more like herself after that and did speak with each of the kids.
I have emailed Jane a few dates that I can work a day visit for her this month. It would just be a few hours but we are all in agreement that she needs to see that no matter what happens, love does not go away. Family will not falter because of mistakes or illness. I will ask that staff stay physically closer this time than before and I think the visit should not be as long. But I think she needs us. If there can be an improvement in her voice and tone in a phone call, I hope that time being with us can further help her through this incident.
I have to say too that being able to write, and being able to read the comments of kind people has been a huge gift during a troubled time. There are times I curse technology (like when I spent 27 minutes today trying to get help to re-set our postage meter at work). There are also times when the gift of technology brings warm feelings and support and prayers, as it has recently. Thank you!
The bright light in all this is the Great School. They have put 1:1 staffing with Fiona without using force or unusually punitive measures. There are obviously restrictions because at this point she has yet to show that she can remain calm and safe. Fiona herself does not know if she can do those things and that too grieves me. How frightening it has to be to know you are out of control and powerless to do anything about it. I have had other children lose control--I think we all have--but when brains and neurological systems are healthy, there are any number of tools that can help a child re-set. Even Chet, with his autism, while he will fixate and be upset, will crave the solitude of his room and just retreat until the world makes more sense to him.
Fiona called this afternoon and she and Jane talked briefly with my wife. K did a great job and told her she needed not to worry about any other day than right now. Just be safe for today and that was all she had to do. I know that this all had to be really hard for my wife; there is an underlying level of fear and other complex emotions that she feels surrounding Fiona. Yet in the clutch, she really put our daughter's feelings and emotional health in the forefront.
I tried to call when I got home from work but was unable to make contact. Until she is more stable, it requires a staff person being available and near to a phone to get Fiona. Fiona called me back about an hour later. She sounds a bit disconnected still. There is a flatness to her voice when she is in crisis that I could hear. I told her I loved her, that I was always here for her. I told her that on New Years Eve we all wrote a wish for the new year. KC's was to have more visits with her. She sounded more like herself after that and did speak with each of the kids.
I have emailed Jane a few dates that I can work a day visit for her this month. It would just be a few hours but we are all in agreement that she needs to see that no matter what happens, love does not go away. Family will not falter because of mistakes or illness. I will ask that staff stay physically closer this time than before and I think the visit should not be as long. But I think she needs us. If there can be an improvement in her voice and tone in a phone call, I hope that time being with us can further help her through this incident.
I have to say too that being able to write, and being able to read the comments of kind people has been a huge gift during a troubled time. There are times I curse technology (like when I spent 27 minutes today trying to get help to re-set our postage meter at work). There are also times when the gift of technology brings warm feelings and support and prayers, as it has recently. Thank you!
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Significant Set Back
Jane called tonight. She had been on vacation when Fiona came for Christmas Eve and though I had emailed how well things went, ostensibly that was the reason she called. However there was a deeper reason. Yesterday Fiona had a serious incident at school. It involved Fi and another student using a video game. I don't quite know if it was the new Playstation she got for Christmas, or if it was the system the school has. The other student was not using the system the way Fiona wanted and tensions escalated. Fiona bit the other student and then bolted out of the room and ran to another general meeting room. At that point when staff came in she was confrontational.
Because when she rages she is amazingly strong, the protocol is to avoid restraints when possible. Frankly I think that is a good thing. I think restraints rarely accomplish anything good. However, in this case, maybe it would have been better. Staff had left the room and they heard the crashing of things breaking. They ignored that. Then there was the sound of breaking glass. They rushed in and found that Fiona had put her fist and arm through a window. It is unclear if she was trying to climb out the window or this was a random punching out at anything sort of situation. The end result was an ER visit for 4 stitches and a hospitalization for at least a week and possibly two while they try to stabilize her behavior.
I think Jane knew how scared and devastated that description was to me. It is the type of problem that we have dealt with since Fiona became ours at 9. I keep hoping that we have gotten to that point in healing where she can be angry and yell but that we won't have to worry about self harm and/or accidental harm to others. KC's wish last night for the new year was for more visits with Fiona. He does not know about this incident and I have always told the littles only that her meds are being adjusted when she is hospitalized. They know she has trouble with feelings and with understanding some things but I have never been really specific. It seems unfair to Fiona to be otherwise. Rob knows details, but he is the only one of my kids I share any details at all with.
I told Jane that this type of incident was my biggest fear for Fi. I worry that when she moves to a group home when she ages out of the Great School that it will literally be only a matter of time before there is an incident the home will not tolerate. Group homes are less forgiving than the Great School. Frankly most schools are not a elastic as the Great School. We face that cliff that all parents of children with mental illness face. She is legally an adult. She is not competent all the time. She is marginally competent though a good portion of the time. Yet the times that she is not are so intense. I told Jane I worry that she will wind up homeless and a threat to herself or to others. The woman recently arrested in a subway death springs to mind. My daughter is most times the kindest, most compassionate person I know. But her demons can and do still overwhelm her.
Jane said that it is not likely that Fiona would wind up homeless. She agrees she will crash and burn in a group home. She sees a life where Fiona will unfortunately have had the most amount of freedom and choice in her life during her years at the Great School. The most likely outcome is group home to long term hospitalization to a "severely restricted environment." (Jane's words not mine and right then, I could not bring myself to inquire further.) It is all far from the dreams that any parent has for their child. The legacy of trauma, and substance abuse is a cruel one.
Because when she rages she is amazingly strong, the protocol is to avoid restraints when possible. Frankly I think that is a good thing. I think restraints rarely accomplish anything good. However, in this case, maybe it would have been better. Staff had left the room and they heard the crashing of things breaking. They ignored that. Then there was the sound of breaking glass. They rushed in and found that Fiona had put her fist and arm through a window. It is unclear if she was trying to climb out the window or this was a random punching out at anything sort of situation. The end result was an ER visit for 4 stitches and a hospitalization for at least a week and possibly two while they try to stabilize her behavior.
I think Jane knew how scared and devastated that description was to me. It is the type of problem that we have dealt with since Fiona became ours at 9. I keep hoping that we have gotten to that point in healing where she can be angry and yell but that we won't have to worry about self harm and/or accidental harm to others. KC's wish last night for the new year was for more visits with Fiona. He does not know about this incident and I have always told the littles only that her meds are being adjusted when she is hospitalized. They know she has trouble with feelings and with understanding some things but I have never been really specific. It seems unfair to Fiona to be otherwise. Rob knows details, but he is the only one of my kids I share any details at all with.
I told Jane that this type of incident was my biggest fear for Fi. I worry that when she moves to a group home when she ages out of the Great School that it will literally be only a matter of time before there is an incident the home will not tolerate. Group homes are less forgiving than the Great School. Frankly most schools are not a elastic as the Great School. We face that cliff that all parents of children with mental illness face. She is legally an adult. She is not competent all the time. She is marginally competent though a good portion of the time. Yet the times that she is not are so intense. I told Jane I worry that she will wind up homeless and a threat to herself or to others. The woman recently arrested in a subway death springs to mind. My daughter is most times the kindest, most compassionate person I know. But her demons can and do still overwhelm her.
Jane said that it is not likely that Fiona would wind up homeless. She agrees she will crash and burn in a group home. She sees a life where Fiona will unfortunately have had the most amount of freedom and choice in her life during her years at the Great School. The most likely outcome is group home to long term hospitalization to a "severely restricted environment." (Jane's words not mine and right then, I could not bring myself to inquire further.) It is all far from the dreams that any parent has for their child. The legacy of trauma, and substance abuse is a cruel one.
Beginning Anew
Today is the first day of the new year and the last day of my vacation. I will miss this family time. There have been lots of little treasures during this hiatus from work. Like the littles crawling into bed with me in the mornings to chatter and giggle. Like leisurely breakfasts and suppers when all of us are together. (My wife has been on vacation too. Usually it is just the kids and I at home in the evenings.) I have enjoyed cleaning our home in a leisurely manner. Well, leisurely is sort of relative as I am a high speed person. But I have not had to look at the clock and say "oh, 15 minutes, I can sweep the floor, load the dishwasher and fold the dryer load because then it will be time for Lissa's shower!" It has just been more laid back feeling than that.
I have also practiced my weird goal of mastering snowboarding the hill in our backyard. Today I made it almost to the bottom of our hill after KC and Lissa gave me lots of tips. They are good teachers. Lissa who is newly 6 can all ready do the ramp they have created at the bottom of the hill. The ramp is not on my goal list!!! She is utterly fearless that wee miss and she has tremendous balance. I am in awe of that. I also am impressed at how well both kids could help me out, pointing the changes i needed to make in my stance in order to have a better run. I'll miss snowboard class too, as the only times I can do it now are on Saturdays or Sundays. Time to be a grown up again!
I have also practiced my weird goal of mastering snowboarding the hill in our backyard. Today I made it almost to the bottom of our hill after KC and Lissa gave me lots of tips. They are good teachers. Lissa who is newly 6 can all ready do the ramp they have created at the bottom of the hill. The ramp is not on my goal list!!! She is utterly fearless that wee miss and she has tremendous balance. I am in awe of that. I also am impressed at how well both kids could help me out, pointing the changes i needed to make in my stance in order to have a better run. I'll miss snowboard class too, as the only times I can do it now are on Saturdays or Sundays. Time to be a grown up again!
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