Right now, I have had evenings freer than usual. Our piece work job is on hiatus till March some time. I have spent the evenings getting the kids scrap books caught up. They were only at July of last year. Yes, I know. I am hanging my head in shame. I really hate when this gets away from me. It is important to them to be able to page through and have memories rekindled. So I have caught them all up AND they look great. I don't just have 2012 done people, I have done right up through our trip into Disney on Ice this past Monday.
Trumpets sound! Angels are singing. OK, really all I am doing is bragging. But aside from the bragging, I love listening to the kids chatter as they look through the pages. There are more differences between the books as they have gotten older. Rob's has a page devoted to he and his girlfriend T. KC's has more of a dance focus. Lissa has some unique facets as well. The cool thing though is that despite the differences there is the thread of commonality and family that run through all the books. It affirms what we strive for--strong roots, and wings to spread and try experiences that speak to each of their spirits.
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Sharing Histories
Fiona called last night and we had a good talk. She wanted to know if KC and Lissa ever asked about their birth mothers. I said that KC had been searching for Y, his first mother, and that we had sent a letter to her but unfortunately thus far heard nothing back. This is a similar situation to what Fiona has experienced with her birth mother and right now I am gleaning that Fiona is feeling very low about Mama J and her lack of response..
Jane said that they could try again and reach out to Mama J but that sometimes when people feel a lot of strong emotions about choices that may not have been the best, it is hard for them to get past them and start over. Especially if they feel guilty or ashamed about a choice they made for or about their child.
I told Fi that KC was having a lot of trouble with the fact that Mama Y has not responded and that if it was OK with her, he might like knowing that he could talk to her about that.I explained that although I have always told all the kids I will help them connect with first families in any way I can (that is safe) I know that there are times when talking about the feelings of abandonment and adoption with me is not what they need. They need someone who can say with honesty "I get it; I feel that way too sometimes."I can say other supportive things. And I have the great disappearing dad in my life that gives me a sense of some of what my kids feel and I think lends credibilty for me with some of those tough conversations.
Jane was very supportive of the idea, and is also willing to be a resource and facilitate if the need arises. She sees as I do, that this is a place where Fiona gets to be the big sister in a really supportive fashion. And they both get to emotionally be there for each other. I don't think adoption pain is diminished by sharing it, but I do think as people we draw strength from being able to share our stories and from hearing the stories of others.
Interestingly my mom and I are somewhat at polar opposites on this issue. I think she is afraid that KC's search and yearning is going to prevent him from feeling all the love that we as a family have for him, as we do for all the kids. I may be Pollyanna again, but I don't see that as a problem. I think he loves us very very much and knows that he is loved. That knowledge doesn't negate the questions, the yearning and the pain. But I am having a hard time explaining that via email to a very doting gramma!
Jane said that they could try again and reach out to Mama J but that sometimes when people feel a lot of strong emotions about choices that may not have been the best, it is hard for them to get past them and start over. Especially if they feel guilty or ashamed about a choice they made for or about their child.
I told Fi that KC was having a lot of trouble with the fact that Mama Y has not responded and that if it was OK with her, he might like knowing that he could talk to her about that.I explained that although I have always told all the kids I will help them connect with first families in any way I can (that is safe) I know that there are times when talking about the feelings of abandonment and adoption with me is not what they need. They need someone who can say with honesty "I get it; I feel that way too sometimes."I can say other supportive things. And I have the great disappearing dad in my life that gives me a sense of some of what my kids feel and I think lends credibilty for me with some of those tough conversations.
Jane was very supportive of the idea, and is also willing to be a resource and facilitate if the need arises. She sees as I do, that this is a place where Fiona gets to be the big sister in a really supportive fashion. And they both get to emotionally be there for each other. I don't think adoption pain is diminished by sharing it, but I do think as people we draw strength from being able to share our stories and from hearing the stories of others.
Interestingly my mom and I are somewhat at polar opposites on this issue. I think she is afraid that KC's search and yearning is going to prevent him from feeling all the love that we as a family have for him, as we do for all the kids. I may be Pollyanna again, but I don't see that as a problem. I think he loves us very very much and knows that he is loved. That knowledge doesn't negate the questions, the yearning and the pain. But I am having a hard time explaining that via email to a very doting gramma!
Monday, February 18, 2013
A Disney kind of Day!
Today the kids and I trained in to the Big City to meet Fiona and Jane and see a performance of Disney on Ice. Thankfully KC and Lissa were both well enough to go. KC still has a really bad cough but is not contagious if indeed he had strep. I am now sort of having doubts about that as the rest of this is all acting really viral. But; I am not a doctor and don't even play one on TV. :-) Lissa had no temp this a.m. or at any point in the day so she was a shoe in to go.
Fiona was so excited. This is an event she has wanted to do with us and it was not possible to do it when she wanted to in November. It was important to me that we accomplish it, for a number of reasons. First off, she had shared a desire for something and I think one of our roles in families is to try and support such things and help them happen when possible. Secondly, it was a chance to show her that saying "not right now" is NOT the same as 'No, never uh uh, no way." When I told her not right now, she heard the latter and it was pretty ugly. Today after the show I reminded her of our conversation of November and we had a pretty good conversation on waiting, and keeping ones word etc.
The show was fantastic. I am a kid at heart so I was as captivated as anyone with the lights, the skating and the music. It was too cool. The prices on souveniers however was insane. I gave each of the 3 kids that are at home with me the opportunity to bring money from their bank accounts. they each brought $20.00 I explained that anything they wanted at the show would come from that $20.00 Rob didn't want anything, so he came home with his. I think he wanted extra money for his trip with the teens tomorrow. Lissa spent her entire $20.00 on a slushy in a commemorative cup and a bag of cotton candy with a foam commemorative hat. KC spent only $12.00 of his money on a commemorative statue of Mickey the Mouse for his bedroom shelf. I bought Fiona her commemorative program which came to $20.00 and also came with a rose. She had no spending money (due in large part to the fact that she is still paying restitution for the damages she caused to the schools entertainment system in December) I understand the need for restitution, but I also feel that she probably doesn't remember much about the event or frame it intellectually in a context that makes rational sense. At any rate, I would never have all my kids but one get spending money so she had the same.
After the show, we hung out at the venue which is also where we wait to take our train home from the city. It is a large station that the kids and I know well and the kids enjoyed showing Jane and Fi all around. The best eateries, where the bathrooms are, where you get your subway pass or commuter ticket etc. We told her about the silly game we play of guessing which track our train will leave from and some of our other little odd habits. It is good as now she will have a better mental picture of what we are doing when we leave after a visit.
Tomorrow is back to the work world for me. Tonight, Rob is at a friends and tomorrow he goes to the Big City again with a group of friends from church. Spreading his wings, standing at the edge of the nest, my Rob!
Fiona was so excited. This is an event she has wanted to do with us and it was not possible to do it when she wanted to in November. It was important to me that we accomplish it, for a number of reasons. First off, she had shared a desire for something and I think one of our roles in families is to try and support such things and help them happen when possible. Secondly, it was a chance to show her that saying "not right now" is NOT the same as 'No, never uh uh, no way." When I told her not right now, she heard the latter and it was pretty ugly. Today after the show I reminded her of our conversation of November and we had a pretty good conversation on waiting, and keeping ones word etc.
The show was fantastic. I am a kid at heart so I was as captivated as anyone with the lights, the skating and the music. It was too cool. The prices on souveniers however was insane. I gave each of the 3 kids that are at home with me the opportunity to bring money from their bank accounts. they each brought $20.00 I explained that anything they wanted at the show would come from that $20.00 Rob didn't want anything, so he came home with his. I think he wanted extra money for his trip with the teens tomorrow. Lissa spent her entire $20.00 on a slushy in a commemorative cup and a bag of cotton candy with a foam commemorative hat. KC spent only $12.00 of his money on a commemorative statue of Mickey the Mouse for his bedroom shelf. I bought Fiona her commemorative program which came to $20.00 and also came with a rose. She had no spending money (due in large part to the fact that she is still paying restitution for the damages she caused to the schools entertainment system in December) I understand the need for restitution, but I also feel that she probably doesn't remember much about the event or frame it intellectually in a context that makes rational sense. At any rate, I would never have all my kids but one get spending money so she had the same.
After the show, we hung out at the venue which is also where we wait to take our train home from the city. It is a large station that the kids and I know well and the kids enjoyed showing Jane and Fi all around. The best eateries, where the bathrooms are, where you get your subway pass or commuter ticket etc. We told her about the silly game we play of guessing which track our train will leave from and some of our other little odd habits. It is good as now she will have a better mental picture of what we are doing when we leave after a visit.
Tomorrow is back to the work world for me. Tonight, Rob is at a friends and tomorrow he goes to the Big City again with a group of friends from church. Spreading his wings, standing at the edge of the nest, my Rob!
Sunday, February 17, 2013
And the Germs come marching in!
This has been an exhausting week. I had many plans and most have gone awry. That would be because Tuesday night KC became ill with what eventually was diagnosed as strep throat. He is on an antibiotic and is improving. However he was too ill for me to take Rob to his girlfriends house as had been planned. He was too ill to enjoy Valentines Day. He was too ill for any dance classes this week. Now he is improved but has a horrible cough. Cough is not symptomatic of strep so I don't know if that means he really didn't have strep (many kids are carriers and will always test positive) and he really has some viral thing or what.
Yesterday Miss Lissa developed a fever in the afternoon. Not too high,but she had chills. She had the fever again once today, same thing, presenting with chills. However her appetite has remained good and her sleep has not been (knock wood) impacted. This is also why I am wondering if this is a viral thing. KC on the other hand has been beset with the coughing interupting his sleep, bad dreams which he gets with fevers and several days found me running pretty much on caffeine and 2 or 3 hours of sleep.
They are both in bed now and I hope that they will be well enough tomorrow to go to the Big City tomorrow with Rob and I. We are set to train in and meet Fiona and Jane and see Disney on Ice. I am crossing my fingers that having had a quiet weekend and lots of rest will make this possible for them. Then, Monday night, Rob goes to a friends house to sleep over because he and his teens are going back to the Big City on their own the following day.
X your fingers for us. I am so ready for spring to come and germs to leave!
Yesterday Miss Lissa developed a fever in the afternoon. Not too high,but she had chills. She had the fever again once today, same thing, presenting with chills. However her appetite has remained good and her sleep has not been (knock wood) impacted. This is also why I am wondering if this is a viral thing. KC on the other hand has been beset with the coughing interupting his sleep, bad dreams which he gets with fevers and several days found me running pretty much on caffeine and 2 or 3 hours of sleep.
They are both in bed now and I hope that they will be well enough tomorrow to go to the Big City tomorrow with Rob and I. We are set to train in and meet Fiona and Jane and see Disney on Ice. I am crossing my fingers that having had a quiet weekend and lots of rest will make this possible for them. Then, Monday night, Rob goes to a friends house to sleep over because he and his teens are going back to the Big City on their own the following day.
X your fingers for us. I am so ready for spring to come and germs to leave!
Friday, February 15, 2013
Uncensored hip hop and promise rings
Tonight I stopped by Facebook for a quick check in, and found that Rob's bio-brother D had just posted that his hip hop group was going to be on a web based radio station. I frantically worked at finding and connecting to the station. I imagine for most people that is fairly easy. My arthritic computer did not want to cooperate and I am a bit challenged in the technology arena, shall we say. At last I was connected and I explained to Rob what was up.
It was interesting as he did not rush right in to listen--which may have been a good thing as the first cut played on the uncensored station was I wanna have p*rno s*x. Uncensored in every sense of the word. LOL Glad that KC and Lissa were holed up in the living room, i left it on, waiting to hear D and his group. And we were rewarded. His rhyming ability is really good. It is raw. These are young men who write very explicit lyrics, but also have stories to tell and the talent to do it with. I honestly enjoyed it. I think Rob did too. He eventually came in and listened with me. I am struck by how all of his siblings have very creative abilities. I am actually kind of in awe of that. And definitely in awe of the poise that D and his group showed in the interview they did with the DJ and the impromptu song session the DJ set up. I can't imagine handling a situation like that with the artistic maturity that they showed. I was joking with K the other night that my unusual musical leanings are really a good thing as I have a lot of common ground with my kids. Well except for the one who is all about Bieber right now. LOL When I was in high school MTV and BET were really popular. I was the only white kid in our area I think who watched BET way more than she ever watched MTV. I remember my mom being utterly bemused by it,( but, darling, you aren't you know, black") but the music there always always resonated more with me than the rock and pop of my peers. I did love certain rock groups, but my early record collection had a lot more Rick James, Diana Ross, Lionel Ritchie, Whitney Houston etc than anything else. I was also a huge fan of old Motown. Later, as a young adult, I was introduced to reggae by a co-worker and found a new musical passion. The point of all that rambling is that I am not faking it when I tell my kids I like a certain artist or song and it gives a good jumping off point for discussions on many occasions. D wrote back to me afterwards and thanked me for helping to get the word out on social media about his group, and said the support meant a lot. I wish we were able to be in more contact with him; I think he is a great kid, but this long distance reminder of caring seems the limit of what he can tolerate.
I also noticed this evening that Rob was wearing a very pretty simple white ring on a chain around his neck. I said how pretty I thought it was and he very proudly told me it was a promise ring, and they T has one as well. The relationship is definitely growing and deepening I would say! I am impressed with their commitment to each other and the respect that they show each other.
It was interesting as he did not rush right in to listen--which may have been a good thing as the first cut played on the uncensored station was I wanna have p*rno s*x. Uncensored in every sense of the word. LOL Glad that KC and Lissa were holed up in the living room, i left it on, waiting to hear D and his group. And we were rewarded. His rhyming ability is really good. It is raw. These are young men who write very explicit lyrics, but also have stories to tell and the talent to do it with. I honestly enjoyed it. I think Rob did too. He eventually came in and listened with me. I am struck by how all of his siblings have very creative abilities. I am actually kind of in awe of that. And definitely in awe of the poise that D and his group showed in the interview they did with the DJ and the impromptu song session the DJ set up. I can't imagine handling a situation like that with the artistic maturity that they showed. I was joking with K the other night that my unusual musical leanings are really a good thing as I have a lot of common ground with my kids. Well except for the one who is all about Bieber right now. LOL When I was in high school MTV and BET were really popular. I was the only white kid in our area I think who watched BET way more than she ever watched MTV. I remember my mom being utterly bemused by it,( but, darling, you aren't you know, black") but the music there always always resonated more with me than the rock and pop of my peers. I did love certain rock groups, but my early record collection had a lot more Rick James, Diana Ross, Lionel Ritchie, Whitney Houston etc than anything else. I was also a huge fan of old Motown. Later, as a young adult, I was introduced to reggae by a co-worker and found a new musical passion. The point of all that rambling is that I am not faking it when I tell my kids I like a certain artist or song and it gives a good jumping off point for discussions on many occasions. D wrote back to me afterwards and thanked me for helping to get the word out on social media about his group, and said the support meant a lot. I wish we were able to be in more contact with him; I think he is a great kid, but this long distance reminder of caring seems the limit of what he can tolerate.
I also noticed this evening that Rob was wearing a very pretty simple white ring on a chain around his neck. I said how pretty I thought it was and he very proudly told me it was a promise ring, and they T has one as well. The relationship is definitely growing and deepening I would say! I am impressed with their commitment to each other and the respect that they show each other.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Why I don't love geneology
I bet most folks seeing the title will automatically assume there is an "adoption" angle to this post. Indirectly there is, and I'll probably get to that by the time I finish rambling. But the truth is, I hate the whole geneology thing and always have. I started hating it when my grandmother and mother decided they wanted to be members of the DAR and there was all kinds of fuss and kaffuffle over properly documenting some ancestor or other to make our lineage worthy of joining. Really? For a while it seemed like the proper documentation was not forthcoming and one would have though the world had ended. Even at 9 years old, it all seemed silly to me. Life should be about the doing, not the looking back and certainly not about feeling all puffed up about who is on what branch of the esteemed family tree.
OK so that details my first issue--those who delve into geneology for what I would term pretentious reasons. Then there is what I call us, messy families. Even without adoption, my family qualifies as supremely messy. First off, my marriage is only recognized in a limited number of states. So do I create a family tree that shows my inlaws when they are not legally my inlaws everywhere? My father, with whom I have no contact has remarried numerous times, my mother is now widowed but was married twice. My sister has been married multiple times and has had children by several different spouses. Darn it but ours is far from a neat and tidy "family tree." I have the feeling if I ever bothered to try and draw it out, it would look more like a rambling thicket.
Then, yes, there are my children. All adopted. And I only have any substantial geneology available thus far for one of them. One of the branches of our tree stretches across the globe to steamy India. Two branches stretch to the heartland of our country and one branch has roots in the East Coast. I have amassed as much information as I could for each of our children. It is part of the giant scrapbook collection that will be their's to take with them when they choose to leave home. Their biological connections--whatever I know about them--is ALWAYS part of the first scrapbook. It goes before all the coming home stuff. All the adoption announcement stuff. It is my way of showing that I know their life began before we became a family.
I absolutely support any and all of my kids in their connections with the rest of their family. The first ones, the ones whose connections are blood and genes. They need to know if they can, if they share traits, interests and abilities. Likes and dislikes. Medical issues. Ironically I probably have the most connections for my son Rob and yet we were blindsided with a glaucoma diagnosis when he was about 6 or 7 years old. This is a genetic legacy from some family member but apparently it is on his paternal side and I have no connections there.
But for all that I support and embrace all of my kid's family, I still don't want to do a family tree. Nor do I want my kids to feel that they have to. Wanting to. Exploring for themselves. Those are good things. Being forced to explain the complexities of their life and ours is not okay with me. It is something that needs to happen when they are comfortable and each of them has shown me in different ways when they are ready to share and how much they are willing to share, with the wider world.
OK so that details my first issue--those who delve into geneology for what I would term pretentious reasons. Then there is what I call us, messy families. Even without adoption, my family qualifies as supremely messy. First off, my marriage is only recognized in a limited number of states. So do I create a family tree that shows my inlaws when they are not legally my inlaws everywhere? My father, with whom I have no contact has remarried numerous times, my mother is now widowed but was married twice. My sister has been married multiple times and has had children by several different spouses. Darn it but ours is far from a neat and tidy "family tree." I have the feeling if I ever bothered to try and draw it out, it would look more like a rambling thicket.
Then, yes, there are my children. All adopted. And I only have any substantial geneology available thus far for one of them. One of the branches of our tree stretches across the globe to steamy India. Two branches stretch to the heartland of our country and one branch has roots in the East Coast. I have amassed as much information as I could for each of our children. It is part of the giant scrapbook collection that will be their's to take with them when they choose to leave home. Their biological connections--whatever I know about them--is ALWAYS part of the first scrapbook. It goes before all the coming home stuff. All the adoption announcement stuff. It is my way of showing that I know their life began before we became a family.
I absolutely support any and all of my kids in their connections with the rest of their family. The first ones, the ones whose connections are blood and genes. They need to know if they can, if they share traits, interests and abilities. Likes and dislikes. Medical issues. Ironically I probably have the most connections for my son Rob and yet we were blindsided with a glaucoma diagnosis when he was about 6 or 7 years old. This is a genetic legacy from some family member but apparently it is on his paternal side and I have no connections there.
But for all that I support and embrace all of my kid's family, I still don't want to do a family tree. Nor do I want my kids to feel that they have to. Wanting to. Exploring for themselves. Those are good things. Being forced to explain the complexities of their life and ours is not okay with me. It is something that needs to happen when they are comfortable and each of them has shown me in different ways when they are ready to share and how much they are willing to share, with the wider world.
Valentines!
We have a little valentine mailbox in our dining room that has been getting steadily more full with each passing day. I have always loved this holiday. My wife has typically decried it as a marketing holiday. Which I will concede there is a component to it that is , but Hallmark did not invent the holiday. And any day that reminds us to stop and share love with one another is a good day to me. I have to make my valentines tonight when folks have gone to bed. The other part of our tradition is that they are home made. Always. Without exception. There are also very small gifts, a small box of candy, a tiny stuffed animal, bubble stuff, that kind of thing.
This year, instead of a Valentine party at supper we will be having a Valentine breakfast. I will get up a bit earlier and make their favorite muffins in heart shapes and we will do our valentine exchange then. This is because my wife now works in the evenings. She is home by 7:30 but that is still too late to start festivities when one is newly 6 and one is 8. The fall out would be enough to negate the fun of the celebration! Also, on Thursday night, KC has hip hop. Tonight he made his valentine for Miss Laura his teacher. It is a big red heart. He had me print a pair of hip hop shoes off the computer and pasted those on the front with a message for his teacher. It was really cute.
Tomorrow I will be on the road as I have to get Rob to his girlfriends house for a slightly early Valentine soiree. . . so happy Valentines Day everyone from our house to yours
This year, instead of a Valentine party at supper we will be having a Valentine breakfast. I will get up a bit earlier and make their favorite muffins in heart shapes and we will do our valentine exchange then. This is because my wife now works in the evenings. She is home by 7:30 but that is still too late to start festivities when one is newly 6 and one is 8. The fall out would be enough to negate the fun of the celebration! Also, on Thursday night, KC has hip hop. Tonight he made his valentine for Miss Laura his teacher. It is a big red heart. He had me print a pair of hip hop shoes off the computer and pasted those on the front with a message for his teacher. It was really cute.
Tomorrow I will be on the road as I have to get Rob to his girlfriends house for a slightly early Valentine soiree. . . so happy Valentines Day everyone from our house to yours
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