It has been an odd day and I feel emotionally jarred. Sometimes people can be so insensitive. Like the auditor at my job today who wanted to know "why black guys always have pitbulls." I just stared at her. Then I pointed to the picture of my Rob and his dog Blake--Blake happens to be a Brittany Spaniel.
She had the grace to stammer "well there are always exceptions." By this time I was ticked though. I think I said something like "no; stereotypes are inevitably disproved by reality."
Second upper level co-worker said she didn't believe in Narcan. (a call came in to me advertising a local training and I said we had all ready been trained.) Coworker can't understand why I think it is valuable and why I would be willing to carry it and administer it. She thinks she would want to know how many people use again after receiving Narcan.
I said addiction didn't always allow for good choices and that for me, I would choose saving a life. Always. Because then there was always a chance. Yup, there is no wonder that my career does not rise to the lofty heights I imagine on occasion. On the other hand, I can sleep nights. There is no price tag on that.
I can't go through life believing that most people are out to lie and cheat. People are often uneducated. People often have not had good role models. Some people have had to lie and cheat to simply survive. A survival skill becomes a habit or a way of life. Sometimes the better part of valor is to just assume someone made a mistake.
Be kind. It isn't any harder to be kind. Really.
Thursday, February 4, 2016
Monday, January 25, 2016
Updating bedrooms!
Yesterday was supposed to be our last Christmas 2015 celebration. My inlaws always come out in January or February. However some of those coming were impacted by the snowstorm so it was cancelled.
Never ones to let time be wasted, we reorganized the kids rooms. The thing I am most excited about (besides clean rooms!) is that all the kids were on board with it. KC has outgrown his loft bed, hitting his head underneath it and unable to sit up in it when he is in bed. Lissa had bunk beds so we just dismantled the loft bed and gave him one of her bunk beds. His loft was a double bed so my wife took that mattress as it was newer than hers and KC got a new twin mattess. (actually the spare room mattress but it is nearly new and a great quality.)
Putting a bed on the floor meant a lot of reorganizing in the boys room though. Previously there was all that real estate UNDER the loft bed. KC's desk, bean bag chair and two book cases had all fit there nicely. The new bed on the floor meant buying an underbed storage box, getting rid of a set of bookshelves and relocating the desk and beanbag chair elsewhere.
At the end of the day, things looked really nice and both boys were happy. Lissa didn't mind losing the top bunk as of late she has opted to sleep on the bottom one anyway. Even a year ago, this kind of change would have totally shaken KC's world. He has hoarding tendencies and to him, everything is precious. He can look at a scrap of paper and tell you what he was doing when he drew it. Or a little plastic gew gaw that looks like trash to me? He can tell you whose party he was at when he got it and what he did there. I get that these are all visual cues to help him remember things that are important. However sometimes he drowns himself in "stuff." He worked really hard yesterday *voluntarily* sorting and deciding what was truly needed for remembrance.
After we finished all the cleaning, I wanted to take advantage of the nice weather. (we didn't get any snow here!) So I went for a walk and he opted to come. He chattered the whole way about how good he felt about his reorganized space and how he could see he was improving at organizing things.
I wish I could say it was a parenting miracle that brought this about but i know it isn't. My wife has a cleaning client with serious hoarding issues. The kids have seen that house and KC has determined that he never wants to be like that!
Never ones to let time be wasted, we reorganized the kids rooms. The thing I am most excited about (besides clean rooms!) is that all the kids were on board with it. KC has outgrown his loft bed, hitting his head underneath it and unable to sit up in it when he is in bed. Lissa had bunk beds so we just dismantled the loft bed and gave him one of her bunk beds. His loft was a double bed so my wife took that mattress as it was newer than hers and KC got a new twin mattess. (actually the spare room mattress but it is nearly new and a great quality.)
Putting a bed on the floor meant a lot of reorganizing in the boys room though. Previously there was all that real estate UNDER the loft bed. KC's desk, bean bag chair and two book cases had all fit there nicely. The new bed on the floor meant buying an underbed storage box, getting rid of a set of bookshelves and relocating the desk and beanbag chair elsewhere.
At the end of the day, things looked really nice and both boys were happy. Lissa didn't mind losing the top bunk as of late she has opted to sleep on the bottom one anyway. Even a year ago, this kind of change would have totally shaken KC's world. He has hoarding tendencies and to him, everything is precious. He can look at a scrap of paper and tell you what he was doing when he drew it. Or a little plastic gew gaw that looks like trash to me? He can tell you whose party he was at when he got it and what he did there. I get that these are all visual cues to help him remember things that are important. However sometimes he drowns himself in "stuff." He worked really hard yesterday *voluntarily* sorting and deciding what was truly needed for remembrance.
After we finished all the cleaning, I wanted to take advantage of the nice weather. (we didn't get any snow here!) So I went for a walk and he opted to come. He chattered the whole way about how good he felt about his reorganized space and how he could see he was improving at organizing things.
I wish I could say it was a parenting miracle that brought this about but i know it isn't. My wife has a cleaning client with serious hoarding issues. The kids have seen that house and KC has determined that he never wants to be like that!
Saturday, January 23, 2016
It's a Loc!
Today Lissa got her long awaited locs! This was such an emotional journey at so many levels. One of the things I am acutely aware of is the importance of hair within the black culture. That well groomed hair signifies more than I think it does for "white folks." Well groomed hair shows love, familial attention, and is really regarded as the girls crowning glory. I won't even get into the "good" hair debate, but knowledge of proper hair care is hugely important. Needless to say, I realized from the day we brought Lissa home that I would need to learn to do things with hair that were very different from what I did with mine. (for the record that would consist of absently running a comb through my hair) I learned hair types and moisturizers, co-washes and braiding. I learned twists and up-dos, protective styles and satin bonnets. I saturated myself in as much knowledge as I could so that my baby would never feel that her hair did not look good or that she looked like no one in her family knew how to care for kinky coily hair.
I found that I loved working with her hair. It did things that my hair can't. Namely it stayed where I put it! It was fun accessorizing and learning new techniques. But my princess is also a very active diva and she also began to make it known to me that she didn't love weekly hair sessions. She liked the one on one time, but the sitting? Not so much. More than a year ago she saw locs and told me she wanted them.
I confess that initially my heart stopped. There is much written about how white parents handle their black children's hair. A number of parents have done locs because they didn't know/want to care for their children's hair and their perception is that this would be easier. (which in some ways is I think true) I did not want anyone thinking that I was doing this for that reason because I wasn't. I also was worried because Lissa might change her mind a year or two from now. Which would necesitate what is commonly called "The Big Chop." Now a hair cut is not the end of the world, but Lissa's has never been cut. Ever. When it is wet, it goes 1/2 way down her back. Eeks.
Rob and Fiona's cousin N is a fantastic stylist. Not only is she pleasant and gifted with hair but she makes house calls! She is a travelling stylist and I LOVE this! We talked and she put my mind at ease so today was the day. Locing day!
She came at 10:30 and by 3:00 Lissa's head was done. The locs were first put into bantu knots to give them a rest while they dried and the beautiful curl that you see in the picture. And I have spent the evening thinking what a blessed and amazing experience this journey has been. Lissa and I have been enfolded in familial and community love during this. We gathered in our kitchen for the day, laughing, eating sharing stories and doing hair. It was probably the most intensely female experience that I have ever had. Interestingly the boys all stayed away. They would come get food that I cooked but carried it off to other rooms to eat and do whatever manly things were on their minds (or tablets!) I really think there was just so much feminine energy in the kitchen that they didn't want to hang out there.
There was strengthening extended family ties. N and i have become good friends over the years and genuinely enjoy being together. Adoption is about such a wide circle and my kids are all blessed by how big that circle is and how much love is shared.
There was affirmation for Lissa on how beautiful her hair is. This is of huge importance to me. I want her to love her hair. In our community many black women perm their hair. Natural hair is less common--flat irons, blow outs and perms are a bit more the norm. I want Lissa to see the beauty that her hair has and not feel compelled to try and mimic what her hair is not--namely straight caucasian style hair.
And lastly, there was validation for me. N loved the products that I use on Lissa. She said what great condition Lissa's hair was in, how well hydrated it was (black hair needs to be fed lots of moisture) and that there was no damage. Truly, music to my ears!
The only sad part of the day was that Fiona had an incident at her group home and couldn't be here with us as we had planned. However I tried to reassure Fi that this is not the only time N will come out and we will have time for us to all be together again soon.
Sunday, January 17, 2016
Lissa's hair
Today was a busy day. KC was tied up with a group from his dance school. They visited area assisted living facilities and performed for them. He was so excited that he was old enough to be part of this at last. He woke extra early this morning, breakfasting and getting dressed very early "just to be ready, Ooma." He was tired but grinning when I picked him up at the end of the day, happy that he had brought joy to others, happy to have danced all day.
The rest of the gang and I went to church, I love that Rob has continued to want to go to church and that our church is so intentional about the young adult population being welcomed and affirmed in such healthy ways.
Back home there was as always, cleaning to do. After fetching KC and cooking supper I needed to finish Lissa's hair. I was putting it in medium sized braids until N comes out Saturday to put in her locs. I was thinking while I worked on her hair how much I love it. Her hair is thick, really really thick. It is very tightly coiled, but soft and healthy. When it is wet it is really long. Even dry, if I braid it, it goes part way down her back.
I was petrified of "doing hair" when I first became a mom of black children. I am well aware of the cultural importance of doing it "right" but I am equally aware of the fact as there are in any population, there are black folks who know how to do hair and black people who do not. Winnowing out the true knowledge from the folk lore was a time consuming mission for a few years.
Doing the hair of a very active on the go child was a challenge too. Lissa till recently did not like to sit for more than 20 minutes. So I had to create styles that looked cute that I added to each day for a period of days. It sounds weird, but it did work. And she has gotten easier as she got older. Tonight she sat contentedly for the hour plus while I finished conditioning and detangling, and finally, braiding her hair.
I was thinking about how much I honestly love having my hands in her hair when I saw a picture on line of an elderly black woman having her hair braided. And I thought about how lucky I am to have this opportunity for focussed time with my daughter. It is just us and we chat or not, but are present only with each other for that time.
As she has gotten older she has begun to learn a bit of what I do to keep her hair healthy and to have more input into style etc. We have talked about why we don't relax her hair. Why we don't color her hair, why her hair is long and lush and how we keep it that way. There is a special bond that comes with "hair time" and I think that it is somewhat unique to black hair. I am privileged to have the opportunity to share that with Lissa.
The rest of the gang and I went to church, I love that Rob has continued to want to go to church and that our church is so intentional about the young adult population being welcomed and affirmed in such healthy ways.
Back home there was as always, cleaning to do. After fetching KC and cooking supper I needed to finish Lissa's hair. I was putting it in medium sized braids until N comes out Saturday to put in her locs. I was thinking while I worked on her hair how much I love it. Her hair is thick, really really thick. It is very tightly coiled, but soft and healthy. When it is wet it is really long. Even dry, if I braid it, it goes part way down her back.
I was petrified of "doing hair" when I first became a mom of black children. I am well aware of the cultural importance of doing it "right" but I am equally aware of the fact as there are in any population, there are black folks who know how to do hair and black people who do not. Winnowing out the true knowledge from the folk lore was a time consuming mission for a few years.
Doing the hair of a very active on the go child was a challenge too. Lissa till recently did not like to sit for more than 20 minutes. So I had to create styles that looked cute that I added to each day for a period of days. It sounds weird, but it did work. And she has gotten easier as she got older. Tonight she sat contentedly for the hour plus while I finished conditioning and detangling, and finally, braiding her hair.
I was thinking about how much I honestly love having my hands in her hair when I saw a picture on line of an elderly black woman having her hair braided. And I thought about how lucky I am to have this opportunity for focussed time with my daughter. It is just us and we chat or not, but are present only with each other for that time.
As she has gotten older she has begun to learn a bit of what I do to keep her hair healthy and to have more input into style etc. We have talked about why we don't relax her hair. Why we don't color her hair, why her hair is long and lush and how we keep it that way. There is a special bond that comes with "hair time" and I think that it is somewhat unique to black hair. I am privileged to have the opportunity to share that with Lissa.
Tuesday, January 12, 2016
A dream deferred
Last summer we were invited to go to Disney and camp with good friends of ours. We talked it over and decided to try really hard to make it happen. We knew it would not be easy. My job did not give raises last year, though our family expenses rose with braces and other things of a similar, non luxury area.
The kids knew then it was an effort, but I know that even more than I do, my kids sail their ships with positivity. Tonight they will learn that we need to defer this plan for another year. Our van just needed very substantial work and at over $1000 it is still not totally finished yet. My car needs work I have not even brought it in for but that will also be in the same vicinity. (note to self: convince KC or Lissa to become a mechanic. They will live well!) We had a big plumbing issue this Christmas and there is more plumbing yet to address.
We took our Florida savings and paid for the plumbing and the van repair. It would be silly to incur finance charge or interest fees when we had the money--although it was intended for something a lot sexier than pipes and brakes!
I am really sad too, but I am looking at this as an important life lesson for the kids. There are times you have to recalibrate. When your most desired dream has to be accomplished at another time or in another way. I hope that in time, they will see that as well.
The kids knew then it was an effort, but I know that even more than I do, my kids sail their ships with positivity. Tonight they will learn that we need to defer this plan for another year. Our van just needed very substantial work and at over $1000 it is still not totally finished yet. My car needs work I have not even brought it in for but that will also be in the same vicinity. (note to self: convince KC or Lissa to become a mechanic. They will live well!) We had a big plumbing issue this Christmas and there is more plumbing yet to address.
We took our Florida savings and paid for the plumbing and the van repair. It would be silly to incur finance charge or interest fees when we had the money--although it was intended for something a lot sexier than pipes and brakes!
I am really sad too, but I am looking at this as an important life lesson for the kids. There are times you have to recalibrate. When your most desired dream has to be accomplished at another time or in another way. I hope that in time, they will see that as well.
Friday, January 8, 2016
Hopping Along!
I happened to look back at my blog the other day and realized I have been yakking on this site since 2008!!! I can't quite wrap my mind around that. My wife is always saying I am talkative and I guess she is right.
This Saturday I am taking Fiona and the younger kids to see Star Wars. The youngers have seen it all ready but Fiona wants to see it with them and they are more than game to see it twice. Chet has been sick all week so I don't really want to bring Fi home to the Land of Germs (it seems that for more than 2 weeks someone or other has been unwell here) so a movie outing is a great option.
Amazing Jane bought a sleigh ride at a nearby farm on Groupon.. So we are just waiting for some snow and then will work out a day that Jane, Fiona and 2 of the kids can go on a sleigh ride together. They will love it. I know that Lissa will be one of the people to go with Fi and Jane on this--hopefully Rob's schedule will allow him to be the other. I am planning on letting the group home know that Fi will be coming home for a visit to take a sleigh ride. I am leaving out that Jane will be with us. I am not sure it would be a big deal to the recent admins but the prior ones gave us a lot of grief over any contact with Jane. Their failure to see that losing touch with folks who were important in her life is a huge part of Fiona's trauma and pain definately was hard to work with.
However of late (oh I am so knocking wood here) the new admins seem receptive to a number of things. They apparently are going to allow Fiona to have a pet. The animal has to be a caged animal and she has her heart set on a rabbit. I have a friend who is a vet tech and who has been fostering a bunny for 3 months. The rabbit is well socialized and easy going. If all goes well, in 2 weeks, he will live with Fiona.
Fiona does not know any of this yet. She will hopefully be so very happy.
This Saturday I am taking Fiona and the younger kids to see Star Wars. The youngers have seen it all ready but Fiona wants to see it with them and they are more than game to see it twice. Chet has been sick all week so I don't really want to bring Fi home to the Land of Germs (it seems that for more than 2 weeks someone or other has been unwell here) so a movie outing is a great option.
Amazing Jane bought a sleigh ride at a nearby farm on Groupon.. So we are just waiting for some snow and then will work out a day that Jane, Fiona and 2 of the kids can go on a sleigh ride together. They will love it. I know that Lissa will be one of the people to go with Fi and Jane on this--hopefully Rob's schedule will allow him to be the other. I am planning on letting the group home know that Fi will be coming home for a visit to take a sleigh ride. I am leaving out that Jane will be with us. I am not sure it would be a big deal to the recent admins but the prior ones gave us a lot of grief over any contact with Jane. Their failure to see that losing touch with folks who were important in her life is a huge part of Fiona's trauma and pain definately was hard to work with.
However of late (oh I am so knocking wood here) the new admins seem receptive to a number of things. They apparently are going to allow Fiona to have a pet. The animal has to be a caged animal and she has her heart set on a rabbit. I have a friend who is a vet tech and who has been fostering a bunny for 3 months. The rabbit is well socialized and easy going. If all goes well, in 2 weeks, he will live with Fiona.
Fiona does not know any of this yet. She will hopefully be so very happy.
Wednesday, January 6, 2016
Aging Parents
The other part of the wheel turning is the changes in our aging parents. My mom, a fiercely independent woman who lives 2 states away from us, has begun to have more significant cardiac issues. A thankfully mild heart attack resulted in a lot of tests this fall. The verdict was a clog that would not be well treated by a stint. She is on medications instead and doing pretty well, but I can see that her energy level is less. She lives on the second floor but thankfully had a chair lift installed for her second husband and is now able to use that for herself.
For the first time in my kids most recent memories, she did not feel able to come down to spend Christmas with us. Instead we drove up there on Christmas Eve to spend the day with her and exchange gifts. We all had a great time and the kids all agreed that the Christmas Eve outing was something very special.
While I don't think she is likely to pass on immenently, it will happen. And heart will likely play a role. Heart disease runs strongly on both sides of my family--it was my major impetus to a vegetarian lifestyle over 25 years ago. Talking about Nana's heart issues has been very hard for 2 of my kids. One older one was very angry over how long it took for all the tests to happen and to be evaluated. Another was fearful and clingy, desperately afraid that his Nana would not be there to see certain milestones and events. Of course I can not say with certainty that she will, but there is also no reason to live our life assuming that she won't. And living in that way is not living richly.
So we talked a lot about the wheel of life and living each day with anyone, as fully as possible. Time spans are not assured for any of us, we just notice it more keenly with those whose lives most intimately touch our own.
My father in law is also aging. Thus far he has done well, still works part time, still bowls with his friends on a local league, still active in his church. His hearing has deteriorated a bit, but of most concern is his vision. I drove with him last year and his driving was to be frank--scary. He is a big city person, driving at big city speeds, with a seniors reaction time. It was not good. This past year he had a hard time passing the vision test for his license and had to go to his eye doctor. He was cleared to drive but his doctor asked that he significantly limit his night driving. Dad was very shaken by this. He loves to drive and sees the loss of driving as a huge loss of independence. Thankfully that has not happened to him yet, but it is likely to be so in the future and helping him deal with this will be very hard.
For the first time in my kids most recent memories, she did not feel able to come down to spend Christmas with us. Instead we drove up there on Christmas Eve to spend the day with her and exchange gifts. We all had a great time and the kids all agreed that the Christmas Eve outing was something very special.
While I don't think she is likely to pass on immenently, it will happen. And heart will likely play a role. Heart disease runs strongly on both sides of my family--it was my major impetus to a vegetarian lifestyle over 25 years ago. Talking about Nana's heart issues has been very hard for 2 of my kids. One older one was very angry over how long it took for all the tests to happen and to be evaluated. Another was fearful and clingy, desperately afraid that his Nana would not be there to see certain milestones and events. Of course I can not say with certainty that she will, but there is also no reason to live our life assuming that she won't. And living in that way is not living richly.
So we talked a lot about the wheel of life and living each day with anyone, as fully as possible. Time spans are not assured for any of us, we just notice it more keenly with those whose lives most intimately touch our own.
My father in law is also aging. Thus far he has done well, still works part time, still bowls with his friends on a local league, still active in his church. His hearing has deteriorated a bit, but of most concern is his vision. I drove with him last year and his driving was to be frank--scary. He is a big city person, driving at big city speeds, with a seniors reaction time. It was not good. This past year he had a hard time passing the vision test for his license and had to go to his eye doctor. He was cleared to drive but his doctor asked that he significantly limit his night driving. Dad was very shaken by this. He loves to drive and sees the loss of driving as a huge loss of independence. Thankfully that has not happened to him yet, but it is likely to be so in the future and helping him deal with this will be very hard.
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