Endings and Beginnings

 It's been busy here.  A bit of reno but most of the busy has been my mom and my youngest son KC.  It's a story of endings and beginnings.  Mom is 90 and has lived two states away from us for more than 25 years.  Til recently it has not been a problem.  But as she ages it has become more of a concern to me. She lives on a second floor and has to also go to the basement down some very sketchy steps to do laundry.  If she needs help she is 2.5 hours from us. During Covid lock down we could not travel to her.  I began to realize that this was a situation that should change.  She did too, but it is hard for her.  

She has lived in this apartment for 20 or so years.  It holds memories and lots  of stuff.  Not in a hoarding way, but more than she needs and can realistically care for. It is a two bedroom so she has a room that is just a study with two desks and file cabinets.  Again, more than she needs but that is hard to say to someone.

About 8 months ago she did agree to apply at the high rise where I work.  Her name came up more quickly than anticipated and it looks like she will move in this month.  The process has produced some excitement for her---the idea of being close to the grandkids and my wife and I,the prospect of attending church with me have been happy thoughts for her.  The idea of an elevator so she does not have to do stairs has been a plus.  But there are also things that produce anxiety.  The very act of moving and realizing that all she owns will.not.fit.  She will be moving to a lovely one bedroom apartment.  There is a great view of a pond and she is close to two city parks and will be able to enjoy nature which is great.  But again, a one bedroom unit.  To try and alleviate the stress I have rented a storage unit.  We will store things she is unsure about and/or which don't fit in the new apartment there.  She can "audition" some of her furniture by doing this.  For instance the woman has two kitchen tables.  One she presently keeps in the front hall of the apartment building. She can't do that in the new place.  She can try one of them in the apartment and we will store the other one.  If she doesn't like the first one, we will swap them.  The one that ultimately is not chosen we can donate or put on marketplace.  It will be the same with the two desks, and other items that she feels unable to decide about.  This has helped calm her a bit.

She is realizing that she does not want to drive in a new city and is considering giving up her car.  At 90 I think that is a good thing.  She is close enough when she moved that I was planning on taking her shopping anyway.  She is grieving the loss of what she once had--the ability to walk at the oceans edge, gatherings with work and church friends ---many who have passed on now or who are less capable than she is.  It is good for her to move but also so hard.  It is a reminder that the wheel of life keeps turning and time on this plane is finite.  It is hard for me too, as she is obviously less capable these days and not the Mom or Nana of years past.

But this is also a season of beginnings.  KC has applied at three colleges.  His intent is to major in dance and minor in film.  He has been accepted all ready at two of the three.  His top choice school, which also offers an amazing financial award toward his tuition and his third choice school which offers a modest award toward tuition.  He has not heard from the second choice but interviews with them this week.  My gut is that he will go with the top choice school but he wants to tour all three and make his decision from that.  All the schools are in our state and within 90 minutes of our home.  He knows he does not want to be further than that from home as family is his touchstone in a very deep way.  February is not only a time of moving Mom to a new apartment but also filled with weekends of the college tours.  

I am so excited for him.  This is his dream and he is chasing it with vigor and purpose.  It is also hard.  Hard to imagine him not in the house every night.  Or here when I get home from work, asking how my day was.  Or dropping him off at dance.  He is so intensely woven into the fabric of family life, that this will be a big adjustment for us all here as well.  This is absolutely what every parent wants for their child, but oh I am still going to be crying into my pillow when he leaves.

Cards of Hope

Today I asked the kids to make cards and/or write letters to my mom. She lives two states away and is greatly feeling the impact of our inability to visit the way we usually do.  She is getting on in years and has some aches and pains that are not unusual for her, but which I think feel magnified in this period of anxious isolation. I write to her by email twice daily and call several times a week but it is not the same.  It is not filling her well with what she needs.

When I got home from work today all the cards had been made and they were all so beautiful. Cheery thoughtful loving messages that I know will help.  KC in particular had written a lovely letter that also gave insight into how he was feeling--always a plus for a mom of a teen!  He said that he thought she was feeling pretty lonely because this was hard on all of us and he felt that way too. But that he was trying to keep busy by staying connected with friends on line. And that he had been enjoying family dinners which he had really been missing. That he enjoyed games and movies with the family and that we would all get through this.  That he could pass on what I have been trying to create and model for them here, gives me hope that they are absorbing this.  I don't want them to be nervous and fretful.  I also don't want them to be reckless with their health or that of others.  But there has to be a middle ground where we live the life we have, the best way we can. Those cards give me hope that will happen.

Finding Me

Or perhaps I should say, finding more of me.  I got a little lost there for a few years.  Lots of kids, lots of stuff going on.  It was and is, all GOOD.  This is not a whine post.  I have enjoyed the parenting journey more than I have words for.  Sure there have been and will continue to be hard times. But my kids and my wife?  They are the best of my life.  Hands down.  That said, I have realized that along the way, kid needs, family needs, tended to supplant any time for myself.  I certainly enjoyed taking the kids to the park every night. And I got some level of fitness from it.  But was it a work out?  Not really.  I grew to treasure summers not just because it is my favorite season, but because with no taxi responsibilities for the kids activities I could take zumba once a week. (and the year she offered it twice a week, I was there for both of them.)

I discovered hot yoga purely because it was the only thing that fit my schedule year round.  Most Saturdays I can devote 9 to 10 a.m. to my yoga practice.  Not every Saturday, but most.  And when I started doing that, I started realizing that really, an hour a week for myself was maybe not quite enough.

I started carving out more time to read in the evenings before i fell asleep.  I refuse to let myself go to sleep  after just doing piece work and planning the next homeschool class.  I told myself I could stay awake for at least 20 minutes each night to read and found that most nights I exceed that. (perhaps even a bit more than i should, but oh, the joy of a good book!)  Because I am on Goodreads I learned the other day that last year I read 53 books!  I think the year before I read something like 12 so that is really a big improvement.  I was always a big reader, somehow evening exhaustion, the challenges of reading in bed when you had two littles that coslept. well it had just drifted away for a bit.

Likewise I have been making time for more fitness in my life. I am weird in that I like to work out.  It relieves stress and helps me feel warmer for at least the 30 minutes or so that I am doing the routine.  I joined an on line fitness group with unlimited videos to follow so that i can keep changing up what I do and do it in the comfort of my home.  It seems doable even when the taxi duties resume next week.  Thus far I have exercised regularly this week and I love that I can change what I do.  Tonight it was Barre and yoga, last night I did a step class. 

It is important to keep this body moving.  This carcass is nearly 60 now and though I have always been flexible and am not a person prone to aches and pains, flexibility and tone just doesn't hang around if you don't work to make it so.  I want to be able to do hikes that interest me, to walk on beaches comfortably long into the future.  Making that a reality means not forgetting to move now.

All of that also I hope helps me to be a better parent and a better spouse.  When I am more relaxed I am more attentive, more receptive to others.  I am a "fixer" by nature, but if i have worked out I am more likely to just listen which tends to be what people really want, instead of charging off trying to save the day!

So though I will likely never again be able to spend 3 and 4 hours a week in a dojo, I have found a reasonable way to enjoy myself and meet this need. 

Mum's Birthday

Time flies by.  I see the evidence of this nearly daily.  My computer runs through all my old picture files when I am not using it because the slide show is the screen saver.  Tiny KC tapping on the keys of a computer when he was still a toddler.  Tiny Lissa challenging the slide at the park. Rob at 8 playing baseball, and at 12 when he began to skateboard.  Blink and the next photo is Rob at prom, and Lissa as a Junior Girl Scout and KC as a confident teen in one of his many dance classes.

But time has not just flown for them.  It has also flown for our aging parents.  I noticed when my FIL came out for the dance recital this year that he looked --well, older.  He still bowls and is active but there is a new frailty somehow.  He does not look robust.  The years are whittling away at him. He has always been so vital and vibrant, that this new proof of mortality chills me.  He is my dad in so many ways, much more than a father in law to me.

Yesterday we went to Maine to celebrate my Mom's birthday. She turns 85 on the 29th  She too, is seeming older.  Movement is at times more challenging for her.  Her energy is less constant.  She has recurrent health issues that take her attention and energy.  Which is not to say she is helpless or on the verge of stepping through to the summerlands.  But I have the feeling that our time with both of them is precious and finite.

So today's trip was very special as Rob had the day off from work and was able to come with us.  So the entire clan was there, including Lissa's dog Luna who has captured my mom's heart--celebrating, laughing and of course, eating!

She enjoyed her gifts, but the best gift of all for her was that Rob could be there.  Often now, when we go up, he is at work and not able to be with us.  Her smile was a mile wide when he walked through the door.

I am really lucky that by and large my kids have always gotten how important being there for family is.  They make a lot of effort to be there for each other and for our extended family and I am so grateful. Likewise, extended family have been there for my kids.  Attending dance recitals, calling on birthdays, coming to visit and just always being interested in them.  It matters so much.  It really is a village that raises a child and I am blessed and my kids are blessed that the inner core of our village is so loving and constant for them.

Room changes and parental needs

It seems like every few years, we have to re-think things.  Sometimes it is the way we do things. Sometimes it is the way we use our spaces.  This year seems to be one for dealing with changes in how we use our space.  Rob and KC have shared a bedroom for a long time now.  And Rob has been incomparably gracious about this.  But it seems unfair to me for a 20 year old to share a room with a 12 year old space hog.  KC just has no compunctions about usurping space!  Right up to leaving things on his big brothers bed!

And then there is Rob's increased work schedule with many late nights and the occasional early morning.  It has been hard to make sure that the younger guy's sleep was not disturbed.  So the past few weeks have seen us decluttering so that Lissa could move into a small room previously used as storage.  KC moved into Lissa's old room and Rob has his own space. It has been a lot of work, but the end result has been worth it.  I think the shared space was good for a long time.  I don't really buy into the American concept that everyone needs to have their own private room. But given the age difference the schedule differences between the two, it seemed only right.

Now that the hard parts were done, we have done the "fun" stuff, which involved decorating.  I refused to pay for painting Lissa's room over for KC  It had been painted a pale blue several years ago and is in great shape.  Green is his favorite color though, but since the room DID need new curtains I ordered some nice ones that combine both blue and the green he loves.  We let him choose Star Wars wall clings to put on the room and are moving his knick knack shelf over which is also green.  He is very happy.

Lissa also was told no repainting to the space. Again, wall clings to the rescue. Here, she just blew me away with her sense of style. The walls had been sponge painted a variety of colors that give the small space a funky boho feel. She chose silvery filigree clings with faux gems to accent the swirls, black leafy branches with bright silvery flowers and black and white butterflies.  The effect is stunningly beautiful,and it will be a space that I think she will enjoy for years. It does not look like a little girls room, but definately reads a young lady lives here!

In the midst of all of this, my mom who lives two states away is beginning to feel less capable of living that far away.  In her mind, she thinks she might want to live with us.  I listen to her talk of her days--taking naps when she wants and needs to, orderly meals and I confess to feeling terror.  Sheer unabashed terror.  I love my mom.  And if she needs to live here, she can and she will. But I deeply worry that her need for order and quiet will be unable to be met here.  Long before kids, my mom lived with us and I know she is remembering back to long candlelit dinners where we sat and talked for hours.  A house that was sparkling clean, all.the.time.  Order reassures her.  My house is more along the line of a happy hurricane with occasional calm when one is in the proverbial eye of the hurricane.  It is normal for us and I am --we are--used to this. To try and adapt to this in mid 80's?  That could be really hard.  I also want her relationship with my kids to continue to be the positive experience that it has been.  My mom can be harsh. She sees my kids at their best, but if she lives here, it will be seeing them warts and all.  The things that I expect to deal with will shock her and anger her.

Sooooo..... I am also working on helping mom to apply for senior housing. This would be the best of all possible worlds. Though the apartments are very small she could still bring more belongings than she could if she moves in with us permanently.  Also the locations for the housing in our city are very close to our home and she could spend as much time with us as she wants, yet still leave when her need for quiet and order arise.  I know many people are dealing with aging parents.  Yet I haven't got friends doing that who are also balancing the needs of a younger family, so I am feeling my way along this new road without a lot of guidance and support.  Life's journey is always going to show something new to explore, I guess!

Elder Parents

Life is always about changes.  Recently, my mom who is in her early 80's has begun to feel less confident about living several states away from us. She has lived there for more than 25 years now and has strong roots.  But some of those friends that mean so much to her are becoming more frail.  She  feels less able to always do for herself and worries about what if she can't do for herself.

So she is thinking of returning to our state in the next couple of years.  Which in many respects would be wonderful.  We would love to have her closer and I worry about her driving these days.  I could more readily assist her and our communications would not be twice daily emails punctuated with monthly visits.  It would be much more connected.

The slightly scary part is that her first suggestion was that she move in with us.  Now I love my mom deeply but I can not envision her living happily here in our noisy chaotic home.  She likes to nap daily--and probably needs to nap daily.  Well in our house I can tell you from experience it is pretty darn hard to nap.  There is always someone coming and going, kids friends stopping by, or someone getting ready to leave for college, work or an activity.  And if the kids are quiet, the dog will bark! I am laughing as I write this but there is a BIG nugget of truth here.  This is just not a peaceful tranquil place.  Loving yes.  Peaceful, not so much.

I can't and won't tell my kids friends can't stop by.  Some of the friends have some mental health issues and may stop by because they need the support of just having a meal or a brief time to hang out in our home.  I can't and won't stop the epic air soft battles that punctuate winter evenings in our home.

So I have been trying to convince my mom that a senior housing apartment would be a better option.  She could be very close to us as there are a number in our city and she could spend as much time as she wanted with us.  She can be here for meals, come to church with us. I can take her shopping.  But she would have a sanctuary to go back to when the noise and bustle of our family life overwhelmed her.

She is not sure, but is considering.  Stay tuned!

Aging Parents

The other part of the wheel turning is the changes in our aging parents.  My mom, a fiercely independent woman who lives 2 states away from us, has begun to have more significant cardiac  issues.  A thankfully mild heart attack resulted in a lot of tests this fall.  The verdict was a clog that would not be well treated by a stint.  She is on medications instead and doing pretty well, but I can see that her energy level is less.  She lives on the second floor but thankfully had a chair lift installed for her second husband and is now able to use that for herself.

For the first time in my kids most recent memories, she did not feel able to come down to spend Christmas with us. Instead we drove up there on Christmas Eve to spend the day with her and exchange gifts.  We all had a great time and the kids all agreed that the Christmas Eve outing was something very special.

While I don't think she is likely to pass on  immenently, it will happen.  And heart will likely play a role.  Heart disease runs strongly on both sides of my family--it was my major impetus to a vegetarian lifestyle over 25 years ago. Talking about Nana's heart issues has been very hard for 2 of my kids.  One older one was very angry over how long it took for all the tests to happen and to be evaluated.  Another was fearful and clingy, desperately afraid that his Nana would not be there to see certain milestones and events.  Of course I can not say with certainty that she will, but there is also no reason to live our life assuming that she won't.  And living in that way is not living richly.

So we talked a lot about the wheel of life and living each day with anyone, as fully as possible.  Time spans are not assured for any of us, we just notice it more keenly with those whose lives most intimately touch our own.

My father in law is also aging.  Thus far he has done well, still works part time, still bowls with his friends on a local league, still active in his church.  His hearing has deteriorated a bit, but of most concern is his vision.  I drove with him last year and his driving was to be frank--scary.  He is a big city person, driving at big city speeds, with a seniors reaction time.  It was not good.  This past year he had a hard time passing the vision test for his license and had to go to his eye doctor.  He was cleared to drive but his doctor asked that he significantly limit his night driving.  Dad was very shaken by this.  He loves to drive and sees the loss of driving as a huge loss of independence.  Thankfully that has not happened to him yet, but it is likely to be so in the future and helping him deal with this will be very hard.

Christmas 2015

It has been a wonderful holiday thus far.  Filled with warmth and laughter, presents anticipated and those that surprise.  Yummy food, lovely music and memories to hold close. This year more than ever, I am aware that we stand poised to have very different Christmasses in the not so distant future.  

This year found us driving to Maine due to my mom's health.  In recent years she has driven down to spend Christmas with us.  Her cardiac issues made her feel unable to handle the not insignificant trek from Maine to Massachusetts.  We drove up yesterday and had a wonderful gathering. She and G were truly thrilled by the carefully chosen presents, by the love our tribe showered on them and these feelings were very much reciprocated.

Today found a day of fun here as well. Unseasonable warmth meant that mid day my wife and I took a walk and we were talking about the day.  In the next few years much will change.  Our Rob will likely move to another area, or be in a career where he can't be home for Christmas.  He hopes to work on a cruise ship so who knows how many more Christmasses we will be lucky to share with him.

My mom was more obviously "old" when we visited this time.  My mom has been sort of ageless. She worked for a loooong time as a teachers aide in the schools in Maine.  She is very active in her church and the Guild that they have. But I could see that her strength is not what it was 6 months ago.  She sometimes has to use the chair lift to get to her second floor apartment.  She is not doing badly; she is aging.  It was a reminder that I don't know how many Christmasses we have with her either.

The littles are not so little now, but thankfully there are still a lot of Yule tide celebrations with them.  Chet remains perpetually youthful,enjoying all that there is to do at this time of the year.  But I am not so ready to give up the crazy early a.m. wakeups on Christmas morning. Or the setting out of carrots and cookies on Christmas Eve.  Nor am I ready to give up my mother.  

Christmas is beautiful and wonderful but it is a time of the year that is so highly emotionally charged as well.  Fiona was not with us this year as she had a chance to spend Christmas with her Cousin N.  She arrives tomorrow and will celebrate with us a day later.  I missed her being here, but I am glad for her.  It is important that she be involved with all her family and that she always see that I support and encourage this.  N put extensions in her hair for her today and sent me pictures. They are beautiful and she did an awesome job.  The gift is a joint one from N and I.  I bought the hair and N did the installation for free as her part of the gift.  It is a perfect example of blending our families; the fact that we could work together to make something special happen for Fi is so important to me.

So now I will curl up with a book to the sound of Christmas revelry and games in our front hall and thank the goddess for a holiday of beautiful memories to carry forward.

Love is in the air

Sometimes my mom can be really cute and funny.  She was married to her second husband for over 20 yrs and he passed away more than a  year ago.  The last years of his life were filled with lots of care taking and my mom was devoted and diligent. There was a 20 year gap between their ages so while he was in his 90's when he passed, Mom is only in her 70's.

This year she started seeing a fellow from the church she attends. They have been doing "date" stuff, going to movies, dinner out and dancing etc.  He had her to his place and cooked for her, she had him to hers and (poor man) she cooked for him. They are going away over Valentines weekend to a really cool hotel.   Anyway, I think it is great.  I can see in my moms daily emails to me her great joy in life.  I can hear it in her voice when we talk on the phone.  So what is not to like about that?

Well I had to spend a solid month convincing her that I was really okay with this.  Yup, a solid month.  I am not sure why.  I was never upset when she met and married husband number 2.  In fact, I was an adult at that point in my own relationship and raising a young child.  But I think I managed to finally convince her that I am okay with this.

She has finally decided she will bring G down to meet us this spring. It is sort of a reverse thing of the kids bringing their date home to meet the parents and it just cracks me up.  What can I say? I have a warped sense of humor.

May Day Plans

My grandmother taught me how to make May baskets back when dinosaurs roamed the earth and I was about 5 or 6  years old.  She died when I was 9 and I continued to make them every year.  They are pretty and although I make far fewer than she did, I love doing it and it makes me feel connected to her.  She also used to make about 5 kinds of fudge to put in them.  I don't do that!  LOL  I use flowers or one batch of candy or small trinkets.  Or oatmeal.  But I digress.

My mom saves cornmeal boxes for me as these are the base of the baskets.  I save them too but also use them for other crafts during the year, so her help in that regard is great.  But I have always been a last minute gal about running out to get the crepe paper.  This is not crepe paper in streamers.  It is long sheets of crepe paper that are then cut and twisted and wrapped round the basket.  The basket itself winds up looking somewhat like a flower when it is done.  Last year I had enough crepe paper in my "stash" that I didn't need to buy any. 

Somehow I looked at the calendar yesterday and went EEEKS!  It is April 28th.  You have made zero May baskets so far!!!  I went to my stash.  A few paltry pieces of crepe paper remained.  Then it hit me.  The small mom and pop store where I bought my supplies for this went out of business 2 years ago.  Between road construction on the street where  they were located and competition from a big box party store, they could not hold on.  So I called big box party store.  They don't sell it.  I called the local craft store.  They don't sell it.  Sigh. There is no where locally now for me to get this.  I did manage to find an on line source last night, so I can order for next year, but for this year, it is slim pickings.

Back to the oatmeal.  My mom had some blood work done this past week.  Her triglicerides were high and she was told she may be pre-diabetic.  (except mom refuses to hear the word PRE and keeps freaking out!) She is on a med for this and has to significantly change her diet.  This is not fun for her.  She said not to send fudge.  She is usually the one person who gets a batch of fudge in her basket.  I am not sending fudge.  I am sending organic oatmeal, almond butter and stevia.  LOL

It's Wednesday all ready?

This week has been so hectic that I can't believe it is all ready the mid point. My mom was down Monday into Tuesday a.m. She had an appointment with the local housing authority regarding an upcoming unit. I didn't go with her to the appointment. People asked me why I didn't but I was very concerned that if I was there, that Mom might feel I was pressuring her in some way. She has no issues that would preclude her having the conversations regarding housing on her own. So she went on her own and met up with me at the park where the kids were playing afterwards.

The short story is that she hated it. The room sizes are very small and she felt she could fit nothing in the unit. I thought this would be her take on things as she has a pretty spacious 2 bedroom unit where she is at the moment. I said it was always her decision, and she told me she wanted me to tell her what to do. I told her I didn't want to do that but that I was willing to be a sounding board and to offer pros and cons about the situation. It came down to a list of pros that looked something like: close to g. kids
young and active enough to form new friendships and connections
she loved the picnic area on the apt complex's grounds
lovely park across the street
she could have her cat
affordability
close to us if her health continues to deteriorate
the unit was small but was her own space, as opposed to having only a
bedroom in the noisy bedlam that is my home
pull cords in all the rooms in case of medical emergency
no stairs (she has deadly ones where she lives)

The cons looked something like this:
she'd miss the ocean
she'd miss her friends and her church
the apartment was too small and she'd die if she lived in it
she didn't know if our state would make it hard for her to maintain
her drivers license
she would have to get new doctors

I suggested that she really seemed to be saying that despite the fact that she had thought she wanted to move back to our city that she really didn't seem to still want and need that. Perhaps now that her husband had passed, the fact that she could visit when and how she wanted to was enough for now. I floated the idea of perhaps applying to a housing authority in Maine and low and behold there was a community that she would love to live in. The waiting list is only a year or 18 months which would hopefully give her time to get used to the idea of downsizing her possessions. (note to self: when I am 76 I do not want to be owned by my possessions) She called her local fire dept when she got home and got involved in a program her town offers where they check on seniors once a day. I think she has to call a special phone number before 10 each morning and if she doesn't they will check on her. I really appreciate that. My mom can be a bit dramatic and when distance is involved and one is going on the contents of a phone call or email it is hard to know if "I am in excruciating pain" really translates to "my arthritis is acting up today" or "I am depressed so things feel worse than usual" or "I should go to the ER and need someone to get me there." There have been all of both situations and thus, those of us at a distance fret sometimes.

So as things stand now, she is declining the unit in our city and waiting for a unit in Maine. I have yet to explain this to the kids who were desperately hoping that she would move down here. My eldest in particular was unusually animated about it and had promised to visit her twice a week if she would move down. We visit her monthly so they will all stay really connected, but they were hoping for more. I am actually happy with the way things seem to be shaking out. Our relationship functions most healthily with a bit of distance between us and as long as she is safe and happy, it is all good to me.

Saturday and a whine, sort of

Today actually went pretty well. It was our first Saturday with our new "school year" schedule which incorporates KC's dance class into our clipboard of Saturday fun. K works on Saturdays so I have the whole gang with me as we besiege the dance studio and surrounding environs during our errands. We set off at a bit before 9 and did the banking before getting to the dance school. I was impressed that KC was not nervous. He is the only boy in the class. He doesn't care. He didn't know anyone. He didn't care. There was a little girl the same age as him who wouldn't stay in the class because her sister was not there that week. She and her sister have been coming for several years. When I think back to the years of carrying KC around in the rebozo because he didn't want to be put down, to the years where he sat beside me in church because he despised the nursery and being apart--the fact that he has sprouted wings and flys with such confidence in his world delights me beyond words.

After the class which is a combo with 30 minutes of ballet and 30 of tap, we went to the library. This was the first time I have taken the kids to the library and not had Lissa in a stroller. She did pretty well and most of hte books were still on the shelves when we left! LOL Lest one think it odd that I restrained my daughter in that manner, we do not stay strictly in the childrens room when we go. We also get a weeks worth of books for Chet who can't handle the library since they made a fancy schmancy addition a few years ago.

From there we went food shopping and then over to visit K who was at work and is sick as a dog. Home to unload everything and got lunch for the horde. Got Lissa into bed for her nap and trimmed the hedge which is a chore I will not do with small children present. Sharp tools, impulsive children, not a good mix. After that, did a lot of house work which is my normal Saturday afternoon. Made a vegetable soup, and also pumpkin cookies with penuche frosting for dessert.

And stewed. I am annoyed, and a good part of the annoyance should rightly be placed with myself. I don't really bitch. It isn't my style. I have always kept things very close to the vest and I have also felt that dwelling on the negatives of life was probably not the healthiest outlook one could aspire to. However the dynamic that evolved from that choice is that my mom views me as the smart strong one and my sister as the pretty dippy daughter who is perpetually in need of help. That is why I should be annoyed with myself. I helped create this dynamic and now it has been a part of my life and my persona as perceived by others for so long that I am likely for better or worse, just stuck with it!

I will give you that sis has had some tough things in life. Many which involve choices she made, some also are things which no one would be able to control. Things are somewhat better for her now and I am glad. But I am weary to the bone of getting emails from my mother bemoaning the fact that life is so hard for Sis. That Sis deserves to have life be better because she is being responsible now and therefore things should be in line for her. (that is almost a quote believe it or not!) I do want things to go well for my sister. But she doesn't allow me or perhaps want me? to be a big presence in her life. She floats in and out of our life in odd ways. I will think we are developing a close rapport and then she will cease to email, not be home if I call etc. I confess that my life is busy enough that I can't bang on her emotional door. If she doesn't want to email me back, I probably won't think to email again for a week or two.

My mom also said that gee, sis was so worried about our father. This in turn made mom worry about sis. Apparently dad's present wife (which is I believe marriage number 3 but am not 100 per cent sure) is very ill. Sis feels if wife dies, dad will drink himself to death. I suppose he might but I would also say it is equally likely he will just find another wife. I never really know what to say when my mom or my sister drop information on me about him. My father visits and calls my sister but has not chosen to see me since Chet was 3. So I am not a very big part of his life and even as a child, our relationship was rocky at best. My all time best memories of time spent with my father was when he would take me to R rated drive in movies that my mom didn't want to go see. I sort of liked the movies (and to this day have really B taste in movies!) but I liked being with him there as it was the only time it seemed we never fought.

After supper the kids and I went up to the park to play. We spent a lot of time admiring the colors that are starting to appear in the trees. We have had a lot of wind and a number of lovely maple leaves were on the ground all ready. We sifted sand--for some reason sifting was lots of fun for them tonight--and felt the difference in the texture of the sand after we had sifted out the debris of wood chips and small rocks. We played a positively hilarious game of football and by the time I came home, all the family angst seemed so stupid. I know I have stuff I need to think about, and probably write about with regard to my father. There are a lot of abandonment parallels in our relationship that make me perhaps a better adoptive parent because of his choices. Walking away from relationships happens in so many ways. I am clearly a tangled up ball of string about my sister and my mother. But what I know is that I love my kids. I love my wife. And somehow, the rest will sort itself out.