Joy

I have been the recipient of the family plague.  Congestion, coughing, chills, lots of fun.  I am on week 2 and despite the note of whining you may detect in the above sentences, I am not deathly ill.  For the most part I have been able to totter  toddle along fairly well.  But the coughing thing is hard and annoying so I did something I almost never do, and asked for a substitute teacher for my RE class.  An hour and 15 minutes of nearly constant talking in a hot dry room would not work particularly well.  And when the parents arrived to hear me hacking like a TB patient in one of those old movies, they would also be likely to be annoyed.

So although today is a "lazy" day for me, the days up till today have not been.  Thursday was Fiona's team meeting for her annual review and planning.  Her worker from DDS was there, as was her house manager, her behavioral specialist, and others who help along the way.  It was by far the best meeting that we have had.  Fiona did an amazing job advocating for herself and articulating things that she would like to achieve.  The DDS worker and I helped Fiona to open up and explain what made her uncomfortable with the experience. This helped us to suggest changes to the process so that she might be able to achieve success.

The DDS worker also makes unannounced visits to the home that Fi lives in.  Apparently this is mandated so that she can make sure all is as it should be.  Unfortunately, partly due to the way the DDS worker presents herself and partly due to Fiona's own lack of understanding, Fiona hates this. She feels that DDS is putting "her business" out for the other peers in the home to be knowing.  Intensely private, this has caused Fi to have a full blown meltdown and numerous late night calls to me when these visits occured.  I brought it up, trying to frame it in a way that did not embarrass Fi, anger DDS etc.  I thankfully succeeded and there was a good explanation to Fi about what is really going on when DDS visits.  A plan was made on a place for Fiona to go and wait for the worker so that she was not sitting with peers and feeling anxious.  Fingers crossed that it works.

After the meeting, Fiona asked if she could take me to lunch and we went to a sub shop together and chatted some more and just relaxed.  It was really great to see her feeling positive about this and feeling like these were goals that she achieved.

Then yesterday, Cousin N came out to do the maintenance session for Lissa's locks. They are coming along beautifully and it was fun to hang out while she did Lissa's hair. Fiona was home for the visit and N brought her daughter C who hung out with KC and Fiona and Rob while Lissa got her hair done.  I cooked a big lunch for everyone and there was also an epic nerf gun battle.

Blending families, understanding where we all come from and what gifts and challenges we bring to relationships takes time.  N and I have a really blooming friendship.  Lissa considers her her "big cousin" and N is deeply touched and considers us family as well.  Just watching everyone interact together and listening to the laughter and sharing the dreams fills me  with joy.

KC will be Coming of Age next church year!

That's KC in the pageant at church this December.  That guy is going to be in the Coming of Age class.  As in NEXT YEAR!  I can't quite wrap my head around that.  KC is my fey child; a lover of music, dance, art and magic.  Not ready to give up fantasy, yet also funny, intuitive and smart.  Coming of Age will be great for him. It will challenge him enough for growth but give him the steadiness and security of beloved friends and compassionate adults around him while he does that.

This past week our Religious Ed director asked the kids who they would choose as a possible mentor.  Mentors are really important in this process.  Good ones are more than there on Sunday mornings.  In Rob's case, the mentor really has become a true friend and they seek one another out at fellowship time.  Rob finished COA many years ago, so it is a testament to the program and the participants.

KC chose Jane, an artist who attends our church and with whom he has been friends for years.  He took some art lessons from her for a time and loved that.  Jane gets the softer side of KC--he's not the guy who wants to go throw a football around with another guy.  He cheers on the Patriots but doesn't really follow anything else.  And he still dances in the aisles of our local supermarket.  Jane is a perfect fit for him.  A mom of 2 boys herself, she is also quirky, emotional and uber talented.  She will simultaneously help our boy grow roots and spread wings.

But KC in his own quiet way, also is an agent for change here.  In all the years our church has offered this program, kids have unfailingly chosen their mentors along gender lines.  Till KC.  It would just never occur to him to do that.  He likes guys, and has guy friends but there is a dearth of artsy guys in our church at the moment and that is the component in a personality that he craved the most.  Our director was fine with it, Jane was honored, KC does not know yet that his wish was granted.

Now I'll go sniff and remember the wee little fellow who used to fit in doll clothes when we brought him home.  

Spreading the Love

Today was Valentines Day.  A veeeery cold Valentines Day.  I woke and it was way below zero.  This does not amuse me.  My idea of a winter hike would be walking on a beach in oh-say Hawaii or Orlando!  But despite the frigid temps outside and the not all that warm ones inside (the house was 52 when I got up and didn't get to over 60 till noon time) we had a great day.

I made a special holiday breakfast and then we lolled around till Rob came home from his friends house about noonish.  Well some folks lolled.  I was actually so cold that I was walking and jumping and actually acting like J*ne F*nda on speed most of the morning.  I wear a fitbit and had 10K steps before 10 a.m.  And I was not sweating. No lie.  Reynaud's is annoying in the winter in New England.

Rob got a text that they needed him back at the restaurant for 4 p.m. which meant we had to restructure our Valentines Day party.  This was important to all of us but it was extra important to me that we make sure that happened when Rob was here.  He had texted me last night that although he was spending the night at a friends house after work that he would be home for the party today.  It isn't that our party is anything all that fancy.  Decorations in the dining room, home made Valentines in a "mailbox" we made years ago.  And heart shaped pizza.

But it is a family tradition.  And it is fun.  Laughter rolls through the house (this year somewhat also punctuated by coughs and sneezes as half of the tribe are in various stages of recovery from a weird cold/virus thing. Gifts are small.  Tiny hearts of candy with a whopping 3 candies in each, and a chapstick (aptly timed since these were bought before the plague descended upon our home!) But it is not about the gifts.  It is about the love.

For years my wife kind of railed against Valentines Day.  She views it as a manufactured holiday.  Many people agree with her. And maybe they are right. But I don't care; a day to spend a bit of extra time showing love?  I'm so okay with that.

Happy Valentines Day!

Mardi Gras Birthday Fun

 Today was my wife's birthday.  She had asked to have a Mardi Gras themed party.  Because, well today is Shrove Tuesday and it just seemed to fit.  So last weekend the kids and I went to the Dollar Store and scored a plethora of Mardi Gras themed things.  Poor K, her birthday also always has a bunch of Valentine decor around as well because I am far too lazy  busy to take all the hearts off the chandelier for one night!  But we found feathered masks. And boas in many colors.  Beads galore for wearing and for decorating with.  And everything was only a dollar each.  It was a total blast!

 Masks festooned our main wall and I had a tri colored swag of boas underneath.  On the table there were sweet little faux lavender plants by each place.  I took one of  our vases, wrapped it in yet another dollar storeboan and put in pretty artificial flowers. (also from the same store)

The bright green plates and yellow napkins were funky and fit.  There were gold star plates for the cake--cake that was really my son Rob's fabulous cheese cake.  I need to walk about a zillion steps on my fit bit tonite!

Rob was able to get the early train home so he was here for the party.  A huge gift in and of itself.  We pooled our funds and gave my wife spending money for the trip she is taking in May to go and visit her dear friend in Louisville.  She treasures that time and I know that will be something she will really have fun with.

My poor wife has been very ill the past week or so and now Lissa has it.  A cold/chesty/ and sinus thing that is lingering on and on.  Yet despite all that the house was filled with laughter and joy tonight, and memories to treasure.

Be kind

It has been an odd day and I feel emotionally jarred.  Sometimes people can be so insensitive.  Like the auditor at my job today who wanted to know "why black guys always have pitbulls."  I just stared at her.   Then I pointed to the picture of my Rob and his dog Blake--Blake happens to be a Brittany Spaniel.

She had the grace to stammer "well there are always exceptions."  By this time I was ticked though. I think I said something like "no; stereotypes are inevitably disproved by reality."

Second upper level co-worker said she didn't believe in Narcan. (a call came in to me advertising a local training and I said we had all ready been trained.)  Coworker can't understand why I think it is valuable and why I would be willing to carry it and administer it. She thinks she would want to know how many people use again after receiving Narcan.

I said addiction didn't always allow for good choices and that for me, I would choose saving a life. Always. Because then there was always a chance.  Yup, there is no wonder that my career does not rise to the lofty heights I imagine on occasion.  On the other hand, I can sleep nights. There is no price tag on that.

I can't go through life believing that most people are out to lie and cheat.  People are often uneducated. People often have not had good role models.  Some people have had to lie and cheat to simply survive. A survival skill becomes a habit or a way of life.  Sometimes the better part of valor is to just assume someone made a mistake.

Be kind.  It isn't any harder to be kind. Really.

Updating bedrooms!

Yesterday was supposed to be our last Christmas 2015 celebration. My inlaws always come out in January or February.  However some of those coming were impacted by the snowstorm so it was cancelled.

Never ones to let time be wasted, we reorganized the kids rooms.  The thing I am most excited about (besides clean rooms!) is that all the kids were on board with it.  KC has outgrown his loft bed, hitting his head underneath it and unable to  sit up in it when he is in bed.  Lissa had bunk beds so we just dismantled the loft bed and gave him one of her bunk beds.  His loft was a double bed so my wife took that mattress as it was newer than hers and KC got a new twin mattess. (actually the spare room mattress but it is nearly new and a great quality.)

Putting a bed on the floor meant a lot of reorganizing in the boys room though.  Previously there was all that real estate UNDER the loft bed.  KC's desk, bean bag chair and two book cases had all fit there nicely.   The new bed on the floor meant buying an underbed storage box, getting rid of a set of bookshelves and relocating the desk and beanbag chair elsewhere.

At the end of the day, things looked really nice and both boys were happy.  Lissa didn't mind losing the top bunk as of late she has opted to sleep on the bottom one anyway.  Even a year ago, this kind of change would have totally shaken KC's world.  He has hoarding tendencies and to him, everything is precious.  He can look at a scrap of paper and tell you what he was doing when he drew it.  Or a little plastic gew gaw that looks like trash to me?  He can tell you whose party he was at when he got it and what he did there.  I get that these are all visual cues to help him remember things that are important.  However sometimes he drowns himself in "stuff."  He worked really hard yesterday *voluntarily* sorting and deciding what was truly needed for remembrance.

After we finished all the cleaning, I wanted to take advantage of the nice weather. (we didn't get any snow here!) So I went for a walk and he opted to come.  He chattered the whole way about how good he felt about his reorganized space and how he could see he was improving at organizing things.

I wish I could say it was a parenting miracle that brought this about but i know it isn't.  My wife has a cleaning client with serious hoarding issues. The kids have seen that house and KC has determined that he never wants to be like that!

It's a Loc!

Today Lissa got her long awaited locs!  This was such an emotional journey at so many levels.  One of  the things I am acutely aware of is the importance of hair within the black culture.  That well groomed hair signifies more than I think it does for "white folks."  Well groomed hair shows love, familial attention, and is really regarded as the girls crowning glory.  I won't even get into the "good" hair debate, but knowledge of proper hair care is hugely important.  Needless to say, I realized from the day we brought Lissa home that I would need to learn to do things with hair that were very different from what I did with mine.  (for the record that would consist of absently running a comb through my hair)  I learned hair types and moisturizers, co-washes and braiding. I learned twists and up-dos, protective styles and satin bonnets.  I saturated myself in as much knowledge as I could so that my baby would never feel that her hair did not look good or that she looked like no one in her family knew how to care for kinky coily hair.

I found that I loved working with her hair.  It did things that my hair can't.  Namely it stayed where I  put it! It was fun accessorizing and learning new techniques. But my princess is also a very active diva and she also began to make it known to me that she didn't love weekly hair sessions.  She liked the one on one time, but the sitting? Not so much. More than a year ago she saw locs and told me she wanted them.

I confess that initially my heart stopped. There is much written about how white parents handle their black children's hair.  A number of parents have done locs because they didn't know/want to care for their children's hair and their perception is that this would be easier.  (which in some ways is I think true) I did not want anyone thinking that I was doing this for that reason because I wasn't.  I also was worried because Lissa might change her mind a year or two from now.  Which would necesitate what is commonly called "The Big Chop."  Now a hair cut is not the end of the world, but Lissa's has never been cut.  Ever.  When it is wet, it goes 1/2 way down her back.  Eeks.

Rob and Fiona's cousin N is a fantastic stylist.  Not only is she pleasant and gifted with hair but she makes house calls! She is a travelling stylist and I LOVE this!  We talked and she put my mind at ease so today was the day. Locing day!

She came at 10:30 and by 3:00 Lissa's head was done.  The locs were first put into bantu knots to give them a rest while they dried and the beautiful curl that you see in the picture.  And I have spent the evening thinking what a blessed and amazing experience this journey has been.  Lissa and I have been enfolded in familial and community love during this.  We gathered in our kitchen for the day, laughing, eating sharing stories and doing hair.  It was probably the most intensely female experience that I have ever had.  Interestingly the boys all stayed away.  They would come get food that I cooked but carried it off to other rooms to eat and do whatever manly things were on their minds (or tablets!) I really think there was just so much feminine energy in the kitchen that they didn't want to hang out there.

There was strengthening extended family ties.  N and i have become good friends over the years and genuinely enjoy being together.  Adoption is about such a wide circle and my kids are all blessed by how big that circle is and how much love is shared.

There was affirmation for Lissa on how beautiful her hair is.  This is of huge importance to me.  I want her to love her hair.  In our community many black women perm their hair.  Natural hair is less common--flat irons, blow outs and perms are a bit more the norm.  I want Lissa to see the beauty that her hair has and not feel compelled to try and mimic what her hair is not--namely straight caucasian style hair.

And lastly, there was validation for me.  N loved the products that I use on Lissa. She said what great condition Lissa's hair was in, how well hydrated it was (black hair needs to be fed lots of moisture) and that there was no damage. Truly, music to my ears!

The only sad part of the day was that Fiona had an incident at her group home and couldn't be here with us as we had planned.  However I tried to reassure Fi that this is not the only time N will come out and we will have time for us to all be together again soon.