Last week Rob and Fiona's cousin messaged me and said that she was starting a business and was looking for my help. She is becoming a travelling stylist and wants to specialize in doing hair for black kids in group homes, or foster or adoptive placements. She wanted to know if there were contacts I could point her towards to get some clients. I was happy to be asked. I think this is a GREAT idea and I will help any way I can.
I know how many hours I spent on you tube learning how to do Lissa's hair. And there are still many things I am not facile with, but I make it my business to keep learning. There are people who don't want, or perhaps can't invest that amount of time and effort into learning the hair care. This does not mean that those kids that they are caring for or parenting don't deserve to have hair they are proud of and feel well groomed.
I got right on it and N messaged me tonight that she all ready had her first client from a contact that I sent her. OK so that made me pretty happy for her. Here's what made me pretty happy for me. . . N posted on FB about her new business and how excited she was about her first new client. Someone asked her how she got started and she said . . . "I reached out to a family member."
It is not a secret that I have worked hard on first family relationships. I have written before that adoption means families grow by more than the child(ren) who are now mine. They are also sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, cousins,and those family members have a place in their lives and in mine. I love them. I care about them. We are in pretty frequent contact. It wasn't easy. All of us reached and grew past places of comfort and made new paths and connections together. We share holidays, celebrate milestones, and at the end of the day--we are family.
Friday, October 9, 2015
Wednesday, October 7, 2015
It Takes a Village
That is a familiar phrase--we've all heard it. And for a long time I was sort of a quiet scoffer at it. I felt like I had no village helping me raise my kids. My mom lives so far away that she has never been a nana who did sleep overs or watched the kids while my wife and I had a dinner out. As a matter of fact, I have no babysitter on tap as watching the littles would mean also knowing how to deal with my autistic 30 year old son. Those are two radically different skill sets. And after all, I chose to have this family--wasn't it on me to take care of them?
Yet I was thinking the other night that the concept that we are doing this alone is false. Not only false but laughable. Rob just started a new job last night in his chosen field. He got the job in part because of his personality and qualifications but also because my friend and neighbor is good friends with the manager of the restaurant. Getting him to work from the train will be my personal logistical nightmare, but getting the job lead? That was someone from our village.
Monday night is a perfect storm of committments at our house. KC and Lissa both have dance. Lissa has Girl Scouts as well. Rob needs a pick up at the train. My friend needs a ride for her daughter to and from the dance school so she can take her young son to sensory therapy. I am able to help my friend. The Scout leader helps me by giving Lissa a ride to the Scout meeting after dance. (her grand daughter dances with Lissa.) My wife gets Rob at the trains station, allowing me to run my friends daughter home after she and KC finish their classes. A village, encirling me, encircling my friend.
At church, my oldest needs some special help to avoid being disruptive to the service. He would vastly prefer not to sit with me--having the small independence of sitting elsewhere is very important to him. A kind, autistically savvy woman in our congregation has made it her mission to be Chet's seat buddy, cuing him as needed and helping vastly with his feelings of self worth and independence. Yes, a village. And I will celebrate mine and not take if for granted any longer!
Yet I was thinking the other night that the concept that we are doing this alone is false. Not only false but laughable. Rob just started a new job last night in his chosen field. He got the job in part because of his personality and qualifications but also because my friend and neighbor is good friends with the manager of the restaurant. Getting him to work from the train will be my personal logistical nightmare, but getting the job lead? That was someone from our village.
Monday night is a perfect storm of committments at our house. KC and Lissa both have dance. Lissa has Girl Scouts as well. Rob needs a pick up at the train. My friend needs a ride for her daughter to and from the dance school so she can take her young son to sensory therapy. I am able to help my friend. The Scout leader helps me by giving Lissa a ride to the Scout meeting after dance. (her grand daughter dances with Lissa.) My wife gets Rob at the trains station, allowing me to run my friends daughter home after she and KC finish their classes. A village, encirling me, encircling my friend.
At church, my oldest needs some special help to avoid being disruptive to the service. He would vastly prefer not to sit with me--having the small independence of sitting elsewhere is very important to him. A kind, autistically savvy woman in our congregation has made it her mission to be Chet's seat buddy, cuing him as needed and helping vastly with his feelings of self worth and independence. Yes, a village. And I will celebrate mine and not take if for granted any longer!
Friday, October 2, 2015
Black Lives Matter
I feel lucky when I know people who can say with far more eloquence than I why the phrase "all lives matter" bothers me so much. Yes. All lives matter. But we are talking about the lives that are minimized, jeopardized and flat out ended daily in ways that "all other" lives are not. It is a worry for me as a mom of kids of color. I send my strong handsome young teen off to the Big City for college with a smile on my face and worry in my heart. I watch my phone for the text that he is ready for me to pick up at the train. I worry that the natural "immortal" feeling that teens have (and yes, I remember feeling that way too) could translate into a situation far more dangerous to him than any of mine were to me.
I worry that I have not prepared him adequately enough for being black in a world that does not see him the same way it sees me. I know that to some extent my presence over the years has lent him an inadvertent corner of the white privilege blanket. He isn't likely to be accused of shoplifting if he is standing with his white mom. The same is not necessarily true if he is hanging out with skater pals in the big city. This is not to say we have not had some issues; there have been. But by and large, the world has been pretty kind to him.
I am lucky that I have friends of color because my white friends don't see what I worry about. They think "black lives matter" is obvious and that "all lives matter" is more reverential to life and speaks to inclusiveness. My efforts to explain are dismissed. "But YOUR son is so friendly and polite; nothing would happen to Rob" I hope with every facet of my being they are right. Statistics say other things though.
But a 12 year old playing in a park is not exactly a huge threat. Yet he was shot and killed without a word. My Rob is kind and smart and handsome. He also works out and hangs out with kids who skateboard and may look "sketchy" to a certain segment of the population. They will not see his smile. They will see his strength, his blackness, an implication of a threat that does not exist.If a 12 year old at play can be gunned down, what about strong 19 year olds?
Family members who love my kids have told me my worries are meaningless. That because I brought my kids up "right" I don't have to worry. They seriously think all the other instances are a result of bad parenting? Rendered speechless, I grew silent about the subject on line. And I grew angry at myself because if I as my kids parent can be rendered voiceless and powerless, how must so many other parents feel. Parents who have lost children and who have found their children vilified in the media, their home lives and values questioned.
So, yes people. BLACK lives matter. And please. Go read Kevin Hoffman at www.mymindonpaper.wordpress.com Because he says it all with much great clarity than I do.
I worry that I have not prepared him adequately enough for being black in a world that does not see him the same way it sees me. I know that to some extent my presence over the years has lent him an inadvertent corner of the white privilege blanket. He isn't likely to be accused of shoplifting if he is standing with his white mom. The same is not necessarily true if he is hanging out with skater pals in the big city. This is not to say we have not had some issues; there have been. But by and large, the world has been pretty kind to him.
I am lucky that I have friends of color because my white friends don't see what I worry about. They think "black lives matter" is obvious and that "all lives matter" is more reverential to life and speaks to inclusiveness. My efforts to explain are dismissed. "But YOUR son is so friendly and polite; nothing would happen to Rob" I hope with every facet of my being they are right. Statistics say other things though.
But a 12 year old playing in a park is not exactly a huge threat. Yet he was shot and killed without a word. My Rob is kind and smart and handsome. He also works out and hangs out with kids who skateboard and may look "sketchy" to a certain segment of the population. They will not see his smile. They will see his strength, his blackness, an implication of a threat that does not exist.If a 12 year old at play can be gunned down, what about strong 19 year olds?
Family members who love my kids have told me my worries are meaningless. That because I brought my kids up "right" I don't have to worry. They seriously think all the other instances are a result of bad parenting? Rendered speechless, I grew silent about the subject on line. And I grew angry at myself because if I as my kids parent can be rendered voiceless and powerless, how must so many other parents feel. Parents who have lost children and who have found their children vilified in the media, their home lives and values questioned.
So, yes people. BLACK lives matter. And please. Go read Kevin Hoffman at www.mymindonpaper.wordpress.com Because he says it all with much great clarity than I do.
Tuesday, September 29, 2015
One tooth down, two to go!
KC has successfully made it through his dental surgery. I personally had no doubt but he was petrified. The staff at the oral surgeon's office are amazing and really helped to put him at ease. The anesthesia made him a very happy patient initially though after being home about 30 minutes the "weepies" set in. I know that is a pretty typical reaction.
He is resting now and the hardest part of convalescence is likely finding things he will eat. He prefers salty crunchy things and those are very much out for a bit!
Lissa has her 2 extractions at 2:00 so it will be a really busy night for the tooth fairy at our house!
He is resting now and the hardest part of convalescence is likely finding things he will eat. He prefers salty crunchy things and those are very much out for a bit!
Lissa has her 2 extractions at 2:00 so it will be a really busy night for the tooth fairy at our house!
Monday, September 28, 2015
Of Teeth and Eclipses
KC is my anxious guy. And he is looking at some dental surgery tomorrow. One of his adult teeth is growing sideways and if left unchecked it will apparently grow into his sinus cavity. Frankly that is a revolting image to me.
The fact that my most anxiety prone child is looking at surgery is making life, well a bit more interesting than usual. He typically ramps himself up in the late evening, just before bed. I have yet to find a really good solution for helping him to find calm.
I have not minimized any of his concerns. Ones that we could actually call and he could ask a question about to get answers we have done so. (for instance "Can I accidently swallow the scalpel while I am asleep?!")
I have helped him with calming breathes. I have helped him with visualizations. I have gone over The Plan so that he has in his mind where I will be and such for the day. (I can't go into the surgical room with him but can wait for him in recovery.)
We have sung. We have listened to quiet music. We have done art.We have done affirmations and visualizations. Next up I am trying some aroma therapy and some pressure point massage that he can do to himself. At this point, I think I just so need this to be done as much as he does. He is a bundle of nerves and the rawness of his fears is palpable to me.
At least this weekend was busy and full of fun and that helped take his mind off things a bit. Saturday we went to our city's harvest festival. Which was a lot bigger than usual because our city is also celebrating their 100th birthday as a city. The dance school performed and he danced in the street. We looked at vendors, did some activities and then walked home. Lissa had a birthday party to attend that afternoon so we dropped her off and then KC my wife and I went to a black smith festival in the next town. This is a laid back event that I used to take the kids to a lot when they were younger. Think quiet folk music,way less vendors and interesting metal work all set along the banks of a river. It was a fun place to spend a few hours and we also met up with our friend and the kids godmother who was vending there. The night ended with a special fireworks display that our city had in honor of the birthday festivities.
Yesterday was the start of the new religious education year at church. The kids were chomping at the bit to do and to see their friends again. We did go but we had to leave 15 minutes before the end of things in order to go home. Lissa is a Brownie Scout and they were marching in our city's birthday parade yesterday. I had to have her at the starting place at 12:15. Our church is 30 minutes away from our home, so the logistics of getting home, getting her lunch and into her uniform and to the start were interesting. Also, Fiona came down for the day so she could see the parade and hang out with us.
Lissa did so well marching. She used to get scared and scowl in situations where she could see lots of people around her, but she was helping to hold the banner and smiling. I took pictures like a crazy woman. Lots of Liss but also lots of the parade itself which was enormous and very fun to watch.
By the time evening came the littles were exhausted so I did not keep them up to watch the eclipse. My wife and i enjoyed it though. I also loved the fact that so many people got out and watched it. We are a society of screens. Computer screens. Phone screens. TV screens. Tablet screens. But for a few hours last night we all looked skyward. It was as if something primitive and deep within us called us all outside. You could hear people talking softly on porches all around us. This morning when I walked there were lots of houses where people had moved their lawn furniture to the sidewalks, obviously for better viewing. The skies were clear. The view was amazing. I kept wondering what early humans would have thought watching it. The next eclipse is in 17 years I think. I was also wondering what my life will be like then. My kids will be grown. I will be retired most likely. Where will I be in life and will I still be looking skyward in awe?
The fact that my most anxiety prone child is looking at surgery is making life, well a bit more interesting than usual. He typically ramps himself up in the late evening, just before bed. I have yet to find a really good solution for helping him to find calm.
I have not minimized any of his concerns. Ones that we could actually call and he could ask a question about to get answers we have done so. (for instance "Can I accidently swallow the scalpel while I am asleep?!")
I have helped him with calming breathes. I have helped him with visualizations. I have gone over The Plan so that he has in his mind where I will be and such for the day. (I can't go into the surgical room with him but can wait for him in recovery.)
We have sung. We have listened to quiet music. We have done art.We have done affirmations and visualizations. Next up I am trying some aroma therapy and some pressure point massage that he can do to himself. At this point, I think I just so need this to be done as much as he does. He is a bundle of nerves and the rawness of his fears is palpable to me.
At least this weekend was busy and full of fun and that helped take his mind off things a bit. Saturday we went to our city's harvest festival. Which was a lot bigger than usual because our city is also celebrating their 100th birthday as a city. The dance school performed and he danced in the street. We looked at vendors, did some activities and then walked home. Lissa had a birthday party to attend that afternoon so we dropped her off and then KC my wife and I went to a black smith festival in the next town. This is a laid back event that I used to take the kids to a lot when they were younger. Think quiet folk music,way less vendors and interesting metal work all set along the banks of a river. It was a fun place to spend a few hours and we also met up with our friend and the kids godmother who was vending there. The night ended with a special fireworks display that our city had in honor of the birthday festivities.
Yesterday was the start of the new religious education year at church. The kids were chomping at the bit to do and to see their friends again. We did go but we had to leave 15 minutes before the end of things in order to go home. Lissa is a Brownie Scout and they were marching in our city's birthday parade yesterday. I had to have her at the starting place at 12:15. Our church is 30 minutes away from our home, so the logistics of getting home, getting her lunch and into her uniform and to the start were interesting. Also, Fiona came down for the day so she could see the parade and hang out with us.
Lissa did so well marching. She used to get scared and scowl in situations where she could see lots of people around her, but she was helping to hold the banner and smiling. I took pictures like a crazy woman. Lots of Liss but also lots of the parade itself which was enormous and very fun to watch.
By the time evening came the littles were exhausted so I did not keep them up to watch the eclipse. My wife and i enjoyed it though. I also loved the fact that so many people got out and watched it. We are a society of screens. Computer screens. Phone screens. TV screens. Tablet screens. But for a few hours last night we all looked skyward. It was as if something primitive and deep within us called us all outside. You could hear people talking softly on porches all around us. This morning when I walked there were lots of houses where people had moved their lawn furniture to the sidewalks, obviously for better viewing. The skies were clear. The view was amazing. I kept wondering what early humans would have thought watching it. The next eclipse is in 17 years I think. I was also wondering what my life will be like then. My kids will be grown. I will be retired most likely. Where will I be in life and will I still be looking skyward in awe?
Sunday, September 20, 2015
Walking towards fall
This is the weekend I say farewell to summer. Our church (and another church from the same city) have a gathering in Maine on the coast. There are dorm rooms for most folks but those who are frugal, and/or like it more peaceful can opt to camp at an appreciably lower overall cost. I am all about both those things, so my family has always camped, regardless of the weather.
We have camped there when it is 40 degrees at night. When it has been raining. When it has been so foggy it was hard to see. But this year, the goddess graced us with a weekend of amazing beauty. Temps so warm I let the kids play in the ocean. Cool nights that made sleeping easy but not so cold that anyone was needing extra fleece in their sleeping bags.
It is a weekend where my kids (and all the other kids there) get probably more freedom to wander and explore than they do in their day to day lives. Rob opted to camp with a friend from youth group. He checked in with me via text and at meals. He always texted "Love you" at night as I did him.
KC and his group of pals from church made and sold jewelry and art. They created a skit for the talent show. They climbed trees and wandered around sharing the grandiose thoughts that 11 and 12 year old boys have.
Lissa had her group of friends. Her "bestie" was there and they did a gymnastics routine together for the talent show. She played in the water, danced in the sand, ran around like the crazy wild young girl she is.
Chet helps all the folks who arrive on Friday night. He knows the lay out of the conference center and helps bring belongings to the correct room, provides directions on parking cars and is generally very helpful. After meals he bussed dishes and before breakfast he swept the dining hall and got all the chairs out.
The kids and I also spent some time together. We walked the beach and found a pooch that played soccer with my kids. Actually she sort of ate the ball but they all had a blast together. We found sea glass to bring home. We ran races and toasted marshmallows, sang and told silly jokes.
And I had alone time. Well, kid-free time. Time when I walked the beach with friends and we talked and caught up on each others life. I have lots of friends so there were multiple walks which incidently was very good for my fitbit numbers! LOL I tried a new beer at the gathering before supper on Saturday night. I had time to read, time to enjoy the sun. Time to star gaze. Time to watch my bare feet make foot prints on Saturdays walk. Time to watch my sneaker shod shoes make prints on the last walk today before we left to drive home.
Walking with my shoes on was symbolic. It was about me getting ready to embrace the seasons change. Fall is nearly here and I am such a child of summer. But there is much to be gained by finding and enjoying the beauty of each season. So I really work at this. Today I literally made steps toward fall.
Once home, there was laundry and all the camping gear had to be cleaned and put away for next season. This too, is a step towards fall. I am ready now, I think. The laundry bin is empty, the gear cleaned and stored. Corn shocks decorate our front post and tiny gourds are beside the door. Blessed be.
We have camped there when it is 40 degrees at night. When it has been raining. When it has been so foggy it was hard to see. But this year, the goddess graced us with a weekend of amazing beauty. Temps so warm I let the kids play in the ocean. Cool nights that made sleeping easy but not so cold that anyone was needing extra fleece in their sleeping bags.
It is a weekend where my kids (and all the other kids there) get probably more freedom to wander and explore than they do in their day to day lives. Rob opted to camp with a friend from youth group. He checked in with me via text and at meals. He always texted "Love you" at night as I did him.
KC and his group of pals from church made and sold jewelry and art. They created a skit for the talent show. They climbed trees and wandered around sharing the grandiose thoughts that 11 and 12 year old boys have.
Lissa had her group of friends. Her "bestie" was there and they did a gymnastics routine together for the talent show. She played in the water, danced in the sand, ran around like the crazy wild young girl she is.
Chet helps all the folks who arrive on Friday night. He knows the lay out of the conference center and helps bring belongings to the correct room, provides directions on parking cars and is generally very helpful. After meals he bussed dishes and before breakfast he swept the dining hall and got all the chairs out.
The kids and I also spent some time together. We walked the beach and found a pooch that played soccer with my kids. Actually she sort of ate the ball but they all had a blast together. We found sea glass to bring home. We ran races and toasted marshmallows, sang and told silly jokes.
And I had alone time. Well, kid-free time. Time when I walked the beach with friends and we talked and caught up on each others life. I have lots of friends so there were multiple walks which incidently was very good for my fitbit numbers! LOL I tried a new beer at the gathering before supper on Saturday night. I had time to read, time to enjoy the sun. Time to star gaze. Time to watch my bare feet make foot prints on Saturdays walk. Time to watch my sneaker shod shoes make prints on the last walk today before we left to drive home.
Walking with my shoes on was symbolic. It was about me getting ready to embrace the seasons change. Fall is nearly here and I am such a child of summer. But there is much to be gained by finding and enjoying the beauty of each season. So I really work at this. Today I literally made steps toward fall.
Once home, there was laundry and all the camping gear had to be cleaned and put away for next season. This too, is a step towards fall. I am ready now, I think. The laundry bin is empty, the gear cleaned and stored. Corn shocks decorate our front post and tiny gourds are beside the door. Blessed be.
Monday, September 14, 2015
The Journey
Kids grow up. I know that in my head. None the less it was a shock to have my 11 year old ask me if I could "just drop him off" at the dance school, instead of waiting in the lobby while he has classes.
This weekend my youngest daughter was invited to a friends house and it was a "drop off" play date--not the moms chatting while the kiddos played.
This weekend my college guy was at the gym during the regular family meal and he fixed his own later, noshing on food that since he is a culimary major was undoubtedly fancier than what I prepared!
The kids are old enough now that I am comfortable leaving for an early morning walk and bringing my cell phone. I know that they all know how to contact me should the need arise. (My wife is still home, it is just that she is a heavy sleeper) I confess that we tested this before I began doing it, but regardless, it is still another step toward independence.
For so long I have travelled with a "tribe". Now, interests are becoming more child specific--Lissa opted out of one set of dance classes this year and instead has chosen to swim. I think that once the swimming is mastered, she may move on to basketball or soccer.
Fiona is slowly and occasionally doing things on her own with staff from the group home. Everyone is making strides towards levels of independence that are appropriate and which they are comfortable with.
It is fascinating. It is appropriate. It is also a tad bittersweet as I navigate a new facet to my role as a parent. . It is a new chapter in unfamiliar territory and I do not have a map for this journey!. Some days they are all feeling totally capable. Some days, not so much, and figuring out the logistics of that is confusing. Regardless, it is a journey that I enjoy and I am proud of all of them.
This weekend my youngest daughter was invited to a friends house and it was a "drop off" play date--not the moms chatting while the kiddos played.
This weekend my college guy was at the gym during the regular family meal and he fixed his own later, noshing on food that since he is a culimary major was undoubtedly fancier than what I prepared!
The kids are old enough now that I am comfortable leaving for an early morning walk and bringing my cell phone. I know that they all know how to contact me should the need arise. (My wife is still home, it is just that she is a heavy sleeper) I confess that we tested this before I began doing it, but regardless, it is still another step toward independence.
For so long I have travelled with a "tribe". Now, interests are becoming more child specific--Lissa opted out of one set of dance classes this year and instead has chosen to swim. I think that once the swimming is mastered, she may move on to basketball or soccer.
Fiona is slowly and occasionally doing things on her own with staff from the group home. Everyone is making strides towards levels of independence that are appropriate and which they are comfortable with.
It is fascinating. It is appropriate. It is also a tad bittersweet as I navigate a new facet to my role as a parent. . It is a new chapter in unfamiliar territory and I do not have a map for this journey!. Some days they are all feeling totally capable. Some days, not so much, and figuring out the logistics of that is confusing. Regardless, it is a journey that I enjoy and I am proud of all of them.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
