I love mothers day and taking that pause to show her and my mom how much we care. It is also a time when I think of my kids first mom's. Some we are able to keep in contact with and reach out to, others, I don't know. But I love them. I honor them. And if I ever get the chance to, I would love to share that with them and let them get to know their amazing child(ren).
I know too, that for Fiona at least, that this is a hard day. Though we have contact with Mom J her feelings remain conflicted about J and her past. Loving me I think sometimes feels disloyal and it is hard for her to process all of this. This year Fi has struggled a lot in the past 6 weeks and we opted not to have her home for Mothers Day weekend. I don't want to look like I am waving the mother hood flag in her face or asking her for gifts or expressions of feelings she may not be sure she has.
Our conversations of the past few weeks have had lots of volatile conversations followed by tearful ones the next day. I am trying to make sure she knows that I am always going to love her and always going to be there, while still imparting the fact that I have feelings and that her really big feelings don't give her the right to verbally abuse me. It is, as they say, a work in progress.
Today instead of having her home, I am driving up to see her. I have bought her hair for extensions she would like to have put in and have her spending money for the month. We will go out to a coffee shop and get a coffee and something light and spend a bit of time together. It will hopefully be the connections she needs without causing her pain.