The Day of Celebration

The 17th was KC's 16th birthday and he had a wonderful day.  Despite the challenges of Covid-19 we were able to give him an amazing day.  It started with his favorite breakfast--home made cinnamon buns.  KC is the kind of kid who understands that the fact that I took the day off from work so that I could make them for him is a gift in itself. 

At 11:30 the folks I work with paraded by honking horns, with balloons and posters wishing him a happy birthday.  KC does not know all of those people but he was very shocked and touched that they did this for him. 

At around 1, a close family friend drove by, played Happy Birthday on their car stereo and had a birthday poster for him signed by all the family members. 

At 2, a caravan of more than 11 cars drove by honking and waving.  More posters, more joy.  Many of the cars held friends from dance and youth group.  A number were adults that care deeply about him.  People from church, and his godparents.  Some of these people drove more than 30 minutes to get to our house so that they could do this for him.  That measure of love and caring was not lost on him.

Later that evening we had our family party.  The dining room was decorated with a broadway theme.  Home made decorations that he loved, his favorite meal, and a delicious home made cake. He got some great gifts--money from K and I, his aunt and grandfather and grandmother and from Chet. These funds are to purchase a fancy light and fan combo that he wants for his bedroom.  Rob gave him running shoes and a record player and his first vinyl.  It was definately a day filled with love.  In his thank you note he wrote to us that he had thought it was going to be a depressing day but it was so much more than he could have imagined.

He too, is so much more than any of us could have imagined.  He is such a gift.

The Post I've needed to write

One thing about life in the time of Covid-19 is that I have a lot more time to write.  That is a good thing I guess as it gives me time to examine my thoughts more fully and well, people can read or not.  The scroll on by feature of the internet saves anyone who finds this dull!

About 4 months ago I got a call from Fiona's DMH worker.  Because Fiona's case was finally being transferred to our area where she has lived for many years now, this somehow also triggered re-doing her guardianship.  I remain confused by that as the guardianship paperwork all said it was permanent and we always treated it as such, but I also felt it was not fair to argue.  The reason was the worker had asked Fiona if she wanted me to continue being her guardian or not.  Fiona said she would rather that her cousin N become her guardian.

Back story is that in the perfect storm of relationships, Fi had earlier in that week asked me for money she did not have to buy a brand new iphone.  I had explained she could save for it and I would help her work out a plan but that we could not just go buy a phone.  She had then asked if I could give her money for her birthday and Christmas early so that she could go buy the phone. I had explained that we celebrate on the day and not before and that even if I did that she would still be short of funds significantly.  She had hung up in a huff.  Conversations like that are not uncommon as she has a hard time grasping costs and savings.  Usually this results in another call a couple days later when she is calmer and we are able to work out a plan.  Except that this time before that happened, the DMH worker talked to Fi.

I have nothing against Fiona's cousin. She is a lovely person and in the past 5 years has become consistantly present for Fiona in ways that her other first family appear not to be.  She is the person who helped me loc Lissa's hair and is a person I like and respect greatly.  I did not feel that I could in all honesty fight against her for guardianship.She is competant and would have Fiona's best interests at heart. It also goes against everything I beleive in to try and shut out first family members by fighting this.   I explained this to the DMH worker who initially asked if I would consider co-guardianship.  I said I would not, because I know that there was a strong risk of two problems developing. The first would be Fiona's natural desire to play us off against each other.  You know how kids don't like parent A's answer so they go to Parent B?  I can so see this happening and neither N or I live closely or can communicate easily and quickly enough to prevent confusion from arising.  Secondly, I just deep down believe in the rights of first families.  And I believe that Fiona has a right to choose.  I told the worker that regardless of my legal standing, Fiona was my daughter in my heart and I would still be in relationship with her and did not see that changing. Worker said she did not expect my response and was grateful.  I guess lots of people fight in these situations. I wrote a long text to N explaining my response to the DMH worker and we had a good conversation regarding things.

What I did not count on was Fiona. I knew she would be afraid to tell me, so I called her.  I explained in detail to Fi that I had been informed of her wishes and that I respected them. I said I would still always view her as my daughter. That I had before I became her guardian and I still would feel that way afterwards.  I said I would always love her and always be there for her the way I am for all my kids.  It was a decent conversation but what I did not grasp was that deep down Fiona  still has trouble believing that people love her.  She has been rejected a lot in her life because her choices and behaviors make being in relationship with her hard sometimes. 

As the paperwork and legal wheels ground forward on the guardianship change she became increasingly distant. I had a hard time connecting with her. She cancelled visits, she called infrequently. She sometimes did not return my calls or texts.  When the guardianship change was finalized she ceased communication all together. 

I kept trying to reach out to her.  I sent bitmoji pictures (which she loves) I left messages at the group home. I tried everything I could think of.  Then I sent a final text saying I did not want to make her feel pressured and that she needed to know that I was always here when she wanted to talk. That she would always be my daughter and part of the family.

A bunch of weeks went by with no contact.  I felt so down about this that I could not even write about it. I tried many times, thinking it would be cathartic.  But it just made me feel like I was writing a post that should be titled Parenting Fail-Loser Alert.  I don't want our relationship to be a failure. Fi's been my daughter of my heart since she was 9 and she is now 27  That is a lot of years of love, and laughter, tears and worry.

Yesterday afternoon, she called. She said she was sorry.  That she loved me. That she wanted a relationship with me, and with the kids. It was a good conversation. She seemed able to hear me saying that I loved her and that I wanted to always be there for her. She wanted to talk to KC and wish him happy birthday. I hope it was the beginning of finding the road that walks her back to us.  I hope that she will feel that it is safe to love and hear me when I say that I am not leaving her.

KC's Birthday

 This was to be the "big" birthday.  The kind we NEVER do.  With a tent in the back yard and friends and music and food that was catered.  16 is  a big one!  And KC had asked for that.  He does not ask for much and gives greatly of himself so we had agreed.  Then, Covid-19  And in the scope of the world problems, how to celebrate a birthday is small.  But like a paper cut, small wounds can hurt deeply too and this one did.  He has been great about it.  Honestly I think I think about this just as much as he must.  I hate that my son--and so very many kids--are missing mile stone moments that can not be recaptured.    However, I am not going to sit and sob.  So I set out to make a home party that would be fun and memborable.  KC loves dance, movies and musical theater.  So I got foam board and with an old piece of PVC, an empty flower pot and an oatmeal container covered in black paper I made what sort of resembles those big moveable spot lights they use on stage.  I have tested it and a high powered flash light fits into it and shines ib the big glittery 16 that I made on the foam board.

 To further have the movie theme, I found images of movie reels, spent a ridiculous amoutn of time trying to find movies with the number 16 in them (that was crazy hard!) and wrote those on the "film."

 My wife took two pieces of white foam board and made these awesome happy and birthday signs.  I know KC who loves to save memorablia will save these.

 We had a left over star from some other birthday and I printed a picture of him and put him on it.  There are also a few other decor items that we have saved from prior decorations--those wire and foil 'sprays" of stars  Those can't go out till right before the party because one or all of our critters will try to eat them. 

There will be two parades past our house that KC does not know about.  One is the folks I work with.  My boss had everyone make birthday posters and they are driving by between 11;30 and 11:45  At about 2:00 p.m. a parade of his dance and youth group friends are going to drive by as well.

I made home made cinnamon buns for breakfast--I suppose I could have included a pic of the nearly empty pan as those went FAST and we are going to see whatever movie he wants later today or this evening.  We are ordering out for supper and will have home made cake and his party then.

The bottom line is that we can choose to celebrate or we can choose to be sad.  We choose to celebrate KC and all that is amazing and joyful and full of promise!

Covid Easter 2020

 One thing that doesn't change despite Covid-19 is the chaos of a family picture!  A bunch of out takes of the efforts.  There was much laughter as Luna, Elisabeth's job got into the act.

 And then Blake, our elderly Brittany joined KC for the shoot.

 And they argued over who got to hold Luna.

And we finally got a shot!   We still had a clue hunt for the kids.  Fiona was not here as we can't visit, and she has stuff going on that is impacting our relationship anyway.  If she could be here, I am not sure she would, but I will write about that (I hope) at another time when I am not so emotional about it.

On the plus side, Rob was home for Easter dinner which has not happened in several years. The restaurant where he works is always open on Easter, they are known for an amazing brunch--we actually went last year.  This year I did not want him to have to cook.  I also did not want my wife to cook, because she has been doing a lot of kitchen duty during the Time of Covid.  She is not working much outside the home and I am still working so it has just naturally evolved.

I resolved this by doing something sort of hybrid.  I ordered them all dinner from a restaurant where I could pick it up curbside. There was beef for the beef eaters, chicken for the chicken eater and since I never got around to doing my quinoa and veggie bake, I just ate off the sides.  There was an amazing gigantic salad that I had two helpings of, seasoned rice and broccoli.  We had home made parker house rolls, and Elisabeth made cupcakes decorated to look like bunnies for dessert.  The table was pretty, there was laughter and the memories will hopefully be good ones.  That has been what I have worked hard on during this time of uncertainty and worry.

Sending bright blessings and healthful energies to all as we work our way through this scary time.

KC is nearly 16

This guy is almost 16 and the party planning has had to be severely adapted.  This was the year he was going to have the "big friend party"  Either a restaurant gathering or a big gathering in the back yard with a lot of catered food, a bonfire and musical theater karaoke.  Except of course, we can't  He is good about the family birthday party and we will find ways to make his day feel special and for him to be enfolded in our love.

What is tearing him up though is the lack of dance.  This picture was from last years recital. It was his lyrical dance which was one of my favorites.  This year I don't even know if there will be  a recital, and this year he earned the lead in the production. Costumes were chosen and purchased.  It is a disaster.  Is it as bad as being hospitalized with Covid?  Of course not, and I am grateful beyond measure that thus far we all remain healthy as do my extended family.

But it is huge for him and for all the other dancers.  For KC this is literally what he wants to do for his career.  And at the moment everything that has meaning to him is on pause.  16 is a hard time to press pause.  Your life is just launching in so many ways. We await a newsletter from the dance school that will let us know the direction that they are taking with regard to recital.  I have my fingers crossed but I know he is very worried.

K and I asked him to choreograph short dances for he and his sister and perform them for us last night.  He complained.  Not much room to dance (true) But mostly I think it was the depression.  We insisted and they did the dances last night and I could see how much it lifted his spirit.  He becomes one with the music when he dances and all his feelings just poured out.

Today, shopping with a mask on and maintaining social distance I found myself silently invoking the goddess for our families continued safety.  I do believe we will come out of this okay--I am an optimist by nature.  But the worry is there.  Such is life in the time of Covid.

Nearly 16!

In April, KC turns 16.  He is such a busy guy, embracing life fully and chasing his dreams.  In addition to homeschooling, he works part time at  a local market and at the dance school.  He volunteers in one of the classrooms at church fairly regularly and attends youth group weekly.  And he dances.  4 nights a week, and more as the march towards recital begins.  He has a leading role as The Beast in Beauty and the Beast and is extremely excited.

Since December I have been asking him how he sees himself celebrating 16  It's a milestone birthday and I would expect that he might want a bit more than a family birthday party.  He said he had been making a list of people he wanted to invite. He was up to 43 people.  Note to self:  Produce list of friends the next time someone makes that "socialization" comment about homeschoolers!  I said we could do that if we rent a hall (or the function room at church) and bring music and food.

So that was an option.  But I think he became a little concerned that he wasn't quite ready to host that much on his own.  (obviously we would be there but there is more involvement in making sure one's guests are having fun.)

I checked in again in January.  He had a couple of experience oriented venues that appealed to him but were far beyond our price point for the number of people he wanted to invite.  Today he came to me and said if he trimmed the list to 25 people could he do a dinner at a restaurant.  That feels "grown up" to him and he feels all his friends (who are diverse and who don't all know each other) would get along and enjoy a meal together.


So that is the plan---now to get him to pin down a date.  This requires checking rehearsal schedules with his dance school!

Merry Everything!

It is Christmas Day and it has been magical and emotional and wonderful in ways I could not have imagined.  The only hard part was that Fiona decided at the 11th hour to go to the Big City and have her Christmas and birthday celebrations with members of her family who live there.  Rob and the rest of the kids were disappointed as was I.  I had planned her favorite meal, her choice of birthday dessert and of course there are gifts aplenty awaiting her.  We will get togethe at some point but it is unlikely that we will all be able to be here.  Rob typically works weekends which are the only times I am free and juggling around the kids regular responsibilities and part time jobs means maybe 3/5 of the family will be here when she decides to visit.  I am okay with that but it is likely Fiona will not be despite the fact that this change was here decision and not ours.

However the rest of our day has been beyond my imaginings.  KC asked that we get up 10 minutes before the rest of the family so that he could give my wife and I his gift privately.  I had no idea what it could possibly be but we agreed.  He wrote the most heartfelt loving letter to us that we both cried buckets reading it. Then he turned on the TV and he had made a video with a montage of pictures of the three of us as he has grown and a dance he had choreographed to a song called In Case you don't live forever.  I have watched it three times and bawled each time.  Most times I think we don't know how we touch one anothers lives (and that is ok) but in this rare magical instant, we know.

All the kids outdid themselves this year and being together is always my greatest gift.  I know that some time Rob will move out.  I know he has plans he is working toward. So every holiday he is here is a gift beyond measure to me.  Everyone's gifts were thoughtful and showed such love and care for the recipient.

Now a feast awaits and I plan to tuck in with abandon.  Happy Christmas, blessed Yule, Happy Hannukah--merry everything to everyone!

Happy Birthday Elisabeth!

 Tomorrow, I will have a newly minted teenager!  How is it possible that this sweet baby (who will of course always be my baby) is now entering their teen years.   Years of challenge and changes, tears and laughter, discovery of self and others.

I am one who often looks back over pictures.  They bring a smile (and sometimes a tear) to me.  I remember in that first picture how very little Elisabeth was. She is holding "Doll Doll" a stuffed sheep given to her when she came home by our friends who lived next door.  Doll Doll (though mightily worn through many years of loving) still sleeps in Elisabeth's bed each night.

 I remember when coordinating Easter outfits was a fun family thing.  Now, as older kids, they need to express their own sense of style and this is definately not an option any longer!

I remember when a trip for ice cream at a particular place was a refuge on a hot summer night.  Elisabeth is a huge fan of soft serve and they used to have 24 varieties of soft serve!  Sadly they are no longer in business but that smile and that cone bring them to mind.

My fearless child!  Elisabeth has always been the one to push her own limits and to test mine.  This picture is not the same year as the ice cream one--she loved that swim suit so much we had it in two sizes and they wore it for 4 years.  Younger than KC by 2 1/2 years I remember how she rocked this indoor water park challenge, even though   big brother was very timid about trying to navigate it.

 I have loved watching Elisabeth blossom as a dancer.  This picture was the first year she showed me she could do all her own make up without my assistance!  Only two years ago, yet the first of many things that will no longer need a mom's touch.

And Elisabeth just a week ago, as we prepared to hang a new ornament on our family Christmas tree.  In May they opted to cut their hair--something I had not done since birth--and at present the preferred hair style is just short curls.  This may also be part of Elisabeth's personal self discovery.  I have also been told that the preferred pronouns are they/their.  I am trying very hard to honor that. 

I believe so strongly that it is necessary to support our kids on their journeys, whatever that looks like.  But can I share that it is just hard  not to use her/she?  They feels plural and weird language to me. Can I share that I miss her long long locks (which by the time she cut them were about 4 inches longer than in the picture above)  But I keep reminding myself. This is their journey and life. I am just the one lucky enough to be along to watch the journey unfold.  Happy Birthday beloved Elisabeth!

It Happened and Chet Rocked it!

Who would have thought it?  I took a 2 WEEK VACATION!  The world did not end (though candidly I have had to go in early every day last week and likely next week in order to catch up!)  However, it was worth whatever extra work I need to do now.  We all had a fabulous time.

And the best thing?  The friends we went with had a blast too. There was zero squabbles.  There were 6 of their kids, and 4 of ours and everyone just got along. We shared a giant house with its own pool.  I was most worried about Chet as large groups can be over stimulating. And we were spending a lot of time in the Magical Place.  Theme parks also can be over stimulating.  However we brought sound reducing head phones for him to wear when things started to be too much for him.  He was resistant at first to employing them but eventually could see that they really do help.

I remain amazed at how accommodating D^sney is.  I brought documentation of Chet's status with us as I was concerned about his ability to maintain in a long line.  It turns out that there was a program whereby we could check in at a ride and be given a return time, allowing us to move elsewhere about the park, get a bite to eat, etc and then just return at the scheduled time.  Our friends have two children on the spectrum as well so we were all in the same boat and received the same accommodation.

I knew the other kids would have a blast and they did, in all the "typical" and expected ways.  It was also magical because Rob was able to be with us for the second week and I know that he hopes to move to the West Coast in the next year or two so this may be the last big family vacation with him. But watching Chet succeed at this, laughing and having a truly wonderful time--that is my great gift.  You need to understand that when he was little we could not even go to a small theme park (think Santas Village in NH or Story Land in NH) without horrible meltdowns.  I remember him biting me all the way to the car when he was about 8 because he was so overstimulated.   I remember being black and blue from being kicked.  Admittedly we did not have the correct diagnosis then, but the pain of not being able to share in a beloved parent/child experience was an emotional wound.  Now those memories will forever be outshone by two weeks of him laughing and having fun in ways I never knew he could.

First and Last Campout 2019

We left home to clear skies and lovely crisp temperatures on Friday.  This was a much anticipated camp out. Partly because in a strange confluence of events it was our ONLY camp out this year.  Partly because this camp out at a retreat center in Maine with friends from our church and a neighboring church is an important launch to the Religious Education year for my kids.

Chet had a hard time on the trip up.  He was more frenetic than is typical and Rob was unable to come with us.  That may have played a role in Chet's behavior because whenever you deviate from the expected routine, his behavior decompensates.

 Also, the retreat center has instituted some new policies.  Some of those meant that Chet could not assist as a "porter" carrying people's bags to their rooms and showing them the room locations.  However, I had prepared for this and reminded him over the past three weeks about how this had changed.  It was now a staff job etc.  So during the time he would typically help others, he and I played a variety of card games on the porch of the dining hall and watched the moon rise over the waters.

Thankfully we also took a long beach walk as a family as the weather was lovely on Friday.  (note foreshadowing for Saturday's weather!  LOL) We also looked for small to medium sized rocks oval and smoothed by the ocean.  My SIL is fighting breast cancer and she recently spoke with me about healing rocks at the center.  They are painted with images and sayings that make the visitors to the center feel loved and strong.  She had taken two and knew she had to replace them, as that is their policy. She does not do crafts and had offered to bring back her two rocks when she no longer needs them.  I offered to paint two rocks for her and she has chosen what they are to say.  I hope the goddess guides my hands as I am not the most clever of painters and this is important to me. 

We found a variety of rocks that we screen shot to her so she could choose the ones she likes.  We also wrote her a message in the sand and sent that to her.  Her prognosis is good but the road to health is going to be long and challenging.  Despite hearing "stage 1" it is still scary.  And due to family history and aspects of her cancer, she still has to have chemo and radiation.  She shaved her hair this Saturday and sent me pictures. We texted while I was at the camp out.  I hope it helped  and that she could feel my love and support even though I could not be with her that day.

Friday night was cold.  We definitely felt the icy fingers of Lady Autumn as we lay in our tents.  It was 45 degrees when we woke in the morning.  Thankfully I am a bit of a veteran to this camping gig and had packed well and warmly.  The kids had argued bitterly with me back at home when I was gathering warm things. I think on Saturday they realized that Ooma might still know a thing or two as we were more than prepared!  (laughing again)

The whole of Saturday was cold and rainy off and on.  There was a bit of beach walking and lots of game playing and talking.  You know, I could choose to be angry that my only camp out had cold temps or I could find happiness in time to read, and talk with friends and play games.  I chose the latter as did the kids.  Chet had lots of kids who wanted to play Magic the Gathering with him so he was set literally for the day.

Saturday night was the talent show and bonfire with singing and more conversation.  It was late when we got to bed but I woke early as usual and joined friends on the beach for a short yoga session.  My yoga has improved over the years.  My balance is still less than what i wish it was, but it is better than a year ago.  My new class, while not necessarily feeling like it physically challenges me, has taught me more flow of poses and a sense of searching for quiet inside myself.

Of course today, in the capricious way of things, the weather was warm sunny clear and lovely.  However we had also learned that KC's close friend just lost her dad very unexpectedly.  (car accident)  He was trying to support her long distance and feeling somewhat emotionally worn himself.  Rather than prolong our day, we broke camp and headed home.  I was missing my wife, and i also knew I had 8 loads of camping wash to do, the tent to set up again and dry when we got home etc.

And so, the rest of the day has been spent cleaning the equipment so it is ready for next year, doing laundry so the work week can start smoothly, and remembering the sound of the ocean when I lay in our tent these past two nights.  I will miss that perhaps the most I think.

It was the kind of camp out that left me feeling very connected to my network of church friends, and also very aware of the fact that fall is truly here.  I watched red leaves skitter across the sand as I walked the beach.  I saw brilliantly scarlet sumac and gorgeous golden rod.  There was no denying the wheel has turned!

Hello Fall!

And just like that--summer was gone.  The air is crisp and cold tonight as I write this.  The moon rides high and full in the sky.  Part of me is still mourning the passing of summer. It will always be my favorite time of the year.  The warmth, the long hours of day light, the bird song are all special to me. I have saved up the memories to pull out and smile over during the cold days of winter.

But for now, like the grasshopper, we are busy!  Fall is fun too because there is just so much going on. I love being busy and I love that we like to do lots of things in the fall.  This weekend we are camping with our church in southern Maine.  It is a special time where the kids reconnect with friends and the adults gather and socialize.  The food is good, the company is fantastic and there are miles of beach to walk and enjoy.  There is yoga on the beach in the morning and I may even do that this year.  My yoga abilities while not stellar are a lot better than they used to be.  I would at least not embarrass myself. We leave tomorrow around noon and will return on Sunday.

Church begins the following week, although Elisabeth's coming of age class has all ready launched.  Rather literally actually as the first event was a canoe trip.  This will be an exciting and transforming year for her.  I can't wait to see how it unfolds for her. I have been lucky that all my kids have had this experience and it has without a doubt changed each of them profoundly.

Our city fall festival is coming up and the kids spend the day there helping the table that the dance school has and dancing at the festival.  This is another fall highlight for both kids. They love to be ambassadors for the dance school and to have the day down town with their friends.

Things have changed this summer.  It wasn't just the plants growing profusely in our gardens. or the rooms of the house during the seemingly endless house renovations.  Our kids have grown and changed as well.  Both KC and Elisabeth are increasingly independent.  They are adept at making plans and getting details so things will happen.(although ironically, Elisabeth excels at this a bit more than her brother.)

We are no longer the centers of their worlds.  As I told someone the other day, I am no longer the center of their universe, I have moved to one of the middle planets.  We are loved, and I know that, but as it should, their focus is moving outward.  We are not the first person they tell things to sometimes, and the things that occupy their world are wider than decorating for fall.  But they are both amazing kids and I am so proud of them and so very lucky to be their mom.

KC is 15 Late Post

So my tech skills are still weak.  It is my youngest man-ling's 15th birthday today.  I can't quite wrap my head around this.  That middle pic?  Pretend it is the first one in the series.  That was probably when he was about 5 months old.  He was a preemie and so so tiny.  In that picture the newborn clothes were still big on him, but at least we had made it out of the doll clothes section!  I remember how utterly petrified we were bringing him home.  This young, precious life was entrusted to us and we.were.not.ready.  No one ever is.  I think you can read 50 billion books, take classes, read blogs, and baby sit your heart out, but it is not the same.  KC was not our first child, but he was our first infant and as such there were many firsts with parenting him that we had not experienced with the other kids.  Thank the goddess that he was an easy and forgiving baby!

The picture on the far right is of KC after dance recital last year.  Ever since he was 2 he has wanted to dance.  He would flit around the house waving my wives sparkly fabric bits and create shows in our front hall where he did his version of tap dancing.  It took till he was 4 to find a studio that was boy friendly and a non competition studio, but once we did, he has never left it.  He has added to his dance classes year by year, increasing in knowledge and ability. 

The first picture in the series.  That is KC today.  A strong 15 year old with goals, dreams and the drive to succeed.  He works part time at a local market. He helps teach at the dance school.  He volunteers in a classroom at church and helps at the library.  He is funny, loves word play, graceful, emotional and we are so very very blessed that he is our son.

I wanted this birthday to be special for him and in true J-E Team fashion it was special in ways we did NOT expect.  I had purchased tickets to Tap Dogs. They are a cool dance troupe he wanted to see.  They had medical issues and the night before our performance they cancelled.  Our tickets were refunded but they are not touring in our area the rest of the year.  KC took it with better grace than I did.  We've been sitting on these tix for about 2 1/2 months!  I was bursting with excitement for him.  He reminded me that such things happen with live performances, which is very mature and very true.

Then KC got sick.  Very sick.  Wound up on an antibiotic and missed a whole week of work and basically had the most low key birthday one could imagine.  He even had us cut the birthday pie he had requested without him blowing out the candles because he was coughing so much he was afraid of contaminating the rest of the family.

But for all that there were still presents and laughter, and even a birthday that went so far south from what was planned will be part of the memory montage for a son we love so dearly.

A hairy Matter

So this is my KC.  He is 14, well, nearly 15 now.  A sweeter, kinder and more hardworking kid you would be hard pressed to find. Yes, I am his mom, but it is truly not blind parental love here.  He has been working at a local grocery store since the fall.  The store is the only employer in the area who will employ 14 year olds.  Everything else is pretty much 16 or older, or only seasonal.  At the store, he has consistantly worked 9 to 10 hours weekly. 

See the hair?   KC loves his hair.  It is part of who he is.  It is also against the dress code of the store.  The handbook states that males can not have dyed hair.  It is hard to see in the picture but KC's hair is tipped blond.  Because of  his "non traditional" hair color he has to wear a store ball cap when he works.  He despises the ball cap.

Last week he decided to have the blond trimmed out of his hair.  I was happy as it was  kind of damaged from the bleaching and it is healthier for the hair to trim it out.  But his impetus was so that he did not have to wear the ball cap when at work. Off he went to work, sans cap.

When I picked him up after his shift I could tell something was wrong.  He said that his manager told him his hair was "too wild" and he still had to wear the ball cap.  Let's be clear, there is no definition of "wild" or "tame" hair in the employee handbook.   Let us also be clear that although I have seen a number of black employees in the store, they are typically  female cashiers, not 14 year old male baggers.

I have worked since I was 14 too.  I know companies have the right to decide how their brand is represented by their employees. My employer  only allows female employees to have one ear piercing.  I also believe that there is a significant level of inherant racial bias in the matter in question.  However at present, the law appears to side with the employer.  Witness this recent court ruling regarding dread locks.  KC's hair is tall but was clean and neatly picked and shaped. 

We talked all the way home about the situation.  I was clear that I do believe it is unfair and that it may have inherant racial bias in the policy>  He is justifiably hurt and angry, but also sees that in other aspects the company has been good to him and to other co-workers.(he gets hours consistantly, he is in other aspects treated politely, a co-worker friend who had an incident of sexual harrassment had it immediately and appropriately handled.)  We spoke of how he basically had two options, he could keep his hair style and continue to wear the ball cap, or he could look on line for some more traditional styles that he might like and show them to a supervisor for approval before he committed to a change.  He is deciding what course of action he wants to take.  He gave me a big hug when we got home and said "I just hope my kids don't have to go through this too someday."  Me too, son

Fiona's yearly meeting

Tuesday I attended Fiona's annual ISP meeting at her group home.  It has been harder for she and i to visit the past few months. She works on Saturdays now and Sundays we are typically at church till noon and then KC is back there for youth group about 5ish.  So we have been talking a lot on the phone and keeping in touch that way.  But nothing beats face to face so I got her a coffee and got there early enough that we had time to just chat.  Her cousin had said she was going to attend the meeting as well but did not come after all.  I worried that this disappointment would impact Fiona's ability to participate in her meeting but she carried on with aplomb.

And the meeting went so well.  Fiona struggles often to stay regulated and to express herself in ways that do not involve physical outbursts.  But over the past year she has made steady and consistant progress in this regard. She has also been able to save for several big ticket items--the first saving up over $700 to go and do a wardrobe re-do. The second paying for a new bedroom set on layaway which involved 6 months of steady saving--and also forgoing the more immediate and transient pleasures that she would otherwise use her money for.

She has a job, two shifts a week at a local college doing food service work in the cafeteria.  Best of all, she is more open about sharing what her dreams and goals are, what she does or does not want to do, and does not show a lot of the body signs that  previously signalled severe anxiety.

I know there are likely to be inevitable setbacks but overall, my girl is rocking it!!  I am so very very proud of her.

Finding Me

Or perhaps I should say, finding more of me.  I got a little lost there for a few years.  Lots of kids, lots of stuff going on.  It was and is, all GOOD.  This is not a whine post.  I have enjoyed the parenting journey more than I have words for.  Sure there have been and will continue to be hard times. But my kids and my wife?  They are the best of my life.  Hands down.  That said, I have realized that along the way, kid needs, family needs, tended to supplant any time for myself.  I certainly enjoyed taking the kids to the park every night. And I got some level of fitness from it.  But was it a work out?  Not really.  I grew to treasure summers not just because it is my favorite season, but because with no taxi responsibilities for the kids activities I could take zumba once a week. (and the year she offered it twice a week, I was there for both of them.)

I discovered hot yoga purely because it was the only thing that fit my schedule year round.  Most Saturdays I can devote 9 to 10 a.m. to my yoga practice.  Not every Saturday, but most.  And when I started doing that, I started realizing that really, an hour a week for myself was maybe not quite enough.

I started carving out more time to read in the evenings before i fell asleep.  I refuse to let myself go to sleep  after just doing piece work and planning the next homeschool class.  I told myself I could stay awake for at least 20 minutes each night to read and found that most nights I exceed that. (perhaps even a bit more than i should, but oh, the joy of a good book!)  Because I am on Goodreads I learned the other day that last year I read 53 books!  I think the year before I read something like 12 so that is really a big improvement.  I was always a big reader, somehow evening exhaustion, the challenges of reading in bed when you had two littles that coslept. well it had just drifted away for a bit.

Likewise I have been making time for more fitness in my life. I am weird in that I like to work out.  It relieves stress and helps me feel warmer for at least the 30 minutes or so that I am doing the routine.  I joined an on line fitness group with unlimited videos to follow so that i can keep changing up what I do and do it in the comfort of my home.  It seems doable even when the taxi duties resume next week.  Thus far I have exercised regularly this week and I love that I can change what I do.  Tonight it was Barre and yoga, last night I did a step class. 

It is important to keep this body moving.  This carcass is nearly 60 now and though I have always been flexible and am not a person prone to aches and pains, flexibility and tone just doesn't hang around if you don't work to make it so.  I want to be able to do hikes that interest me, to walk on beaches comfortably long into the future.  Making that a reality means not forgetting to move now.

All of that also I hope helps me to be a better parent and a better spouse.  When I am more relaxed I am more attentive, more receptive to others.  I am a "fixer" by nature, but if i have worked out I am more likely to just listen which tends to be what people really want, instead of charging off trying to save the day!

So though I will likely never again be able to spend 3 and 4 hours a week in a dojo, I have found a reasonable way to enjoy myself and meet this need. 

Happy Almost Birthday Elisabeth!

She is sassy and stylish, funny, with a quick wit and cutting sarcasm.  Fiercely loyal and yet not afraid to be herself and to stand by what she believes in. . . she is my youngest.  And in a matter of days she turns 12.  This past weekend we had her friend birthday party--a sleepover event with 5 of her friends. 

Elisabeth has really good friends.  The kind that I hope will all still be friends years from now.  The interesting thing is that they are from all walks of life.  Because we homeschool she has friends from the neighborhood, from Girl Scouts, from her time in basketball   and from her dance classes.  Yet they all mesh together well and they are really kind to each other.  They know her well, as evidenced by the shirt she was gifted with! 

As I watched them this weekend I was struck by how grown up she looks and acts.  Wasn't it just yesterday she wore a crown and hit her brother with her birthday wand?  LOL

Next year it will be her turn to go through our church's Coming of Age program, as if this mama didn't need more proof her babies are growing up fast!  But I am happy for  her and excited to see what the future holds for her.  Her actual birthday is this Sunday and she wants to spend Sunday afternoon helping to distribute gifts to foster kids.  She is deeply moved by the fact that she knows foster kids often lose treasured items because they leave their family home so quickly and/or move so often.  She knows that some of her siblings have been through foster care and she has chosen to help work with a friend's new nonprofit which will help 400 foster kids in our city have great Christmasses. I might mourn the loss of my "baby" but I sure love the heart and passion that she has for the world.

Sunday we will bring cupcakes to church and Monday we have her family party and she will at long last get her own phone. 

Stepping forward

This guy here?  The one with the two legs, not the four.  It seems like not long ago that he was so little, so anxious about the wider world.  I remember that despite his love of dance, he would tremble back stage, clutching my hand, nearly breaking the teeny bones in my hand because he squeezed so tightly.  

I've never been one to push my kids. They only squeeze your hands for a moment in time.  And then you turn around and they are a teen.  Going off on mission trips and helping others.  Chatting with friends and planning outings that only occasionally involve me getting him at least part way to the destination. This year he has two part time jobs---one at the dance school and one at the local grocery store.  He's saving up for a cooler phone than what his mom will buy him.   And the little guy who was afraid to go on stage?  That guy decided to try out for one of the acting roles in recital.  This studio does theater as well as dance.  He auditioned and got a part.  He will be the godfather in the dance school version of Shark Tale!  

This spring he will turn 15 and I know the pace of changes and separation and working towards newly defined dreams will only intensify.  So for now I am grateful for the fact that he still gives hugs warmly and willingly.  That he asks each day when I come home how my day was and that he enjoys movie nights with his doddering parents.  I am blessed.

Happy Thanksgiving!

 

Happy Thanksgiving to all!  We were lucky to have all the kids home this year. Fiona came here first before going on later in the day to her cousin's home where she will spend the night. Rob helped with a lot of the food prep this year, chopping veggies, making mac and cheese, a quiet but oh so helpful presence in the kitchen.  I made 5 pies and most are all ready nigh onto gone.  I try to make sure that there is something for everyone as I think everyone deserves to have a favorite food on a special day.  Hence pecan pie, chocolate mousse pie, lemon merangue pie, apple pie, and pumpkin pie.  A fruit salad for my sister in law who is diabetic.  We have a rather diverse Thanksgiving menu, owing in large part to the blending of our family favorites with the traditional New England menu and sides.  We had turkey with stuffing cooked in the bird and outside the bird (because some of us love stuffing but don't eat meat) I had a vegetarian entree of quinoa stuffed eggplant, we had mac and cheese, a big pot of sauteed spinach, and then all the usual suspects that one sees at a classic Thanksgiving day dinner in New England.  Somehow between an instant pot, two crock pots and all 4 burners and the oven, we got it all cooked, baked and served!

I am thankful that my FIL and SIL could be with us, as well as my BIL and his wife, our dear friends who are godparents to our kids  were also here.  It was freezing outside but inside there was a lot of love and laughter and I am truly blessed.  My FIL recently had a health scare and we are even more mindful of the fact that the times we are together need to be treasured as they are finite.

In many ways this has been a very hard year.  We have had a number of really tough financial issues to deal with. But there is always much to be grateful for.  Our kids are amazing. They are thoughtful, they are fun to be with and they are caring.  KC who now goes by Ken in the work world, has a part time job at a grocery store and helps with a class at the dance school he attends.  He decided he wanted a character part in the dance recital--which is part theater as well as dance.  He auditioned last week and got a role.  It is hard to believe that this is the child who used to clutch my hand so tightly back stage that I could feel my bones protest!

Fiona has a part time job also and is doing so well for herself. She is setting goals and learning money management and slowly becoming more adult in her choices. 

Elisabeth is almost 12 and spunky sassy and personable.  I admire her ability to stand up for herself and others--she is rarely swayed by the opinions of others.

Chet is happy and helpful and always in the thick of things.  Rob is a quietly helpful guy, a respected employee of the restaurant where he is a chef and as beloved a brother as he is a son.

I truly am so very blessed.

Girl Time

All right folks.  My tech skills are obviously a bit lacking tonight as for the life of me I can't make the picture anything but sideways.  And of course, we were not laying on our sides to take this picture.  Instead, my lovely Elisabeth and I had a girls afternoon at a hair care event in our city.  It was specifically for people of color and I was definately in the minority.  I didn't mind a bit.  It is important for Elisabeth, who is 11 now (and incidently HOW did my baby get to be 11?) to be surrounded by strong brown and black women. These women in addition to many owning their own businesses, know a lot about hair and self care.  People were friendly and easy to engage in conversation--course I am chatty by nature so you generally have to give me the cut direct for me to realize you don't want me hanging around!

They spoke knowledgeably about the dangers hidden in many of the cosmetics and hair products that are used.  They spoke on the importance of healthy diets and having a healthy self love.  There were free samples, free healthy food snacks and a time to talk and build connections.  She had a wonderful time and really enjoyed it.  She told me afterwards that it is usually hard to sit still so long but that this was interesting.  She is of an age where she has much more say (and often her own cash) involved in purchases and I feel that since she is such a fashion forward young woman, I want her to hopefully make smart choices that will enhance her beauty if that is what she wants, but not undermine her health.

We have had this gathering on our calendar for weeks but it was this weekend that a picture came through my Facebook feed of a TRA black child with a photo shoot in a cotton field with her white parents.  Seriously?  I have no words for the anger I feel at the insensitivity.  That lovely young lady could have been in a field of wildflowers if you were going for the nature look.  It did not have to be something associated with slavery and degradation of a people.

Do I think the parents intended it?  Nope, but I sure do think they were insensitive and that they need to do things like what we did today.  There have to be times my kids are not in the minority. Whether it is me being the only white face at a birth family reunion, or a gathering like this,  Adopting my children is not a case of them somehow becoming me with more melatonin.  It also means I have an obligation to honor and celebrate who they are and help them to feel positive about themselves.

Aside from all of that, it was just a "girl time" experience for Lissa and I. At 11 she is becoming a witty, sometimes sarcastic, but pretty clever and enjoyable companion.  It was a super fun experience.  I also came away with a contact for a photographer.  She was at the event and had a really calm demeanor.  We need to think about getting another family portrait done. The kids have changed so much since the last one.  Finding one that is a good fit for Chet can be a challenge but I really liked this woman's vibe.  We shall see.

Camping 2018

The kids and I are back from a camping trip with friends.  We knew we had been camping together a long time but Facebook memories says we have been at this since 2012!  Sure didn't realize it was that long.  Other families have filtered in and out of our camping group but the two of our families have remained constant.  Watching the kids grow up together has been pretty special.  They range from 8 to 16 now and hang out together really well.  No cliques.  Dynamics ebb and flow acording to interests.  Pool time found the upper aged teens horsing around in the deep end and then gathered on the pool stairs laughing and talking.  The younger ones were doing more swimming than chatting. 

But it was such an easy campout because there was always someone around who had an interest in what the other kid was doing or wanted to do.  So I had nearly 6 days with no whining or arguing--truly a Mom miracle! 

Us parents are good friends too--we feed each others kids, help each other out, and love to play board games by the fire at night. 

My campsite was less than stellar (noisy neighbors) but at the end of the day, I didn't care.  (and eventually the noisy ones packed up and left.)  Life is too short to focus on negative.  I was too busy watching the stars that you can't see in the city, cooking on the camp stove, hiking and swimming and making memories.  There are likely more years behind us now than ahead of us for these type of gatherings.  Those upper aged teens like my KC and my friends E and K are going to be busy with jobs and their own lives really soon. The signs are there now.  Older teens going off together when we are at a venue and stopping back periodically to check with us.  Evening games that don't require adults after dinner is done.

I'm loving where we are now, and how deep our friendships have become. I am loving the people all the kids are evolving into and watching that transformation from kid to young adult is really a privilege.  I enjoy also the fact that the more relaxed venue of camping has always made it easier for kids (mine and who ever else is around) to talk.  This trip it was KC, who shared his thoughts on taking a relationship from best friend to boyfriend/girlfriend status.  His concerns about losing a good friend, of not wanting to rush her were thoughtful and true signs of the young man he is becoming. 

But I am not going to lie.  I also miss this.  When Rob was younger than KC is now and Lissa was a bit of a thing.  Camping was probably a lot more work than it is now--though I don't remember it that way.  But my friends were teasing me this trip about how early my kids used to go to bed so I know a whole lot has changed as they got older. As things change as they grow and mature sometimes I feel like I am the one on the Chimney Drop!