The Revolution will not be danced!

 That was the title of the dance piece that my son choreographed taught to 11 other dancers and performed himself at college.  At  almost 12 minutes it was the  longest piece in the evening performances. They had asked that he shorten it to 10 minutes.  He refused and said that if he had to shorten it he might as well not perform it.  They looked at the outline of the piece and let him keep it at that.  The piece is about racial injustice and is very emotionally hard hitting--especially for a mom watching her son portray himself from the afterlife after being a victim of racial brutality.  Luckily, I knew what the theme of the piece was and what he was trying to get across.

What I did not expect was the maturity of what he created.  It's not just a proud momma here.  It was the best piece that night.  Both nights his was the piece that got a standing ovation.  His narrative was clear, the choreography was excellent as was his use of the stage.  He trained his dancers well--and boy his dancing has also reached new levels. He had mixed his own music, chosen the cues for the lighting tech team, and helped his team of dancers build props.   Is it weird to cry tears of joy while also knowing part of the tears are from the fear that I feel for all my kids when they are out in the world and I am not there with them?

His local dance teacher who started him on this journey at age 5 came to see it as did 4 other people from our city dance school.  My wife and I and his sister were there.  On the previous night good friends from church drove out to see it. 

He has been told by several instructors that he should enter the piece in several festivals that are upcoming.  He is thinking he may indeed do that. Today when I drove him back to school after a short home visit, he said that he has always known he wanted dance to be his career but wasn't sure what that could look like.  Now, at this moment, he said he wants to be a "dance storyteller."  I can see that in a lot of different scenarios.  For instance, working with kids and helping them dance out their traumas.  Creating dance stories for different life situations, dancing out news stories for social justice programs.  It could literally be anything, and of course right now, he does not have to pin that down.

He has been asked to teach a hip hop workshop this month at college for the dance club that is on campus. He has been hired to dance in another students division three project, truly he is growing so fast as a person and an artist that it is hard to keep up with it all. Our home schooler is thriving there.

Easter is the end of the month and while for our house hold that is not a religious holiday in the way it is for my Christian friends, we honor the rebirth of life and the onset of spring. I asked him to invite home any friends who might want to come for dinner.  So far we will have 5 friends plus the 6 of us plus my mom.  I am thinking a buffet style meal and have asked him to find out people's favorite foods so we can be sure that there is at least one thing everyone likes available to them!

Back to College!

 Bags are packed.  Laundry is done.  Lists are made and banking's done.  Tomorrow when I get home from work the house will be quieter.  It will be cleaner.  It will be emptier.  KC returns to college tomorrow morning.  I am excited for him.  This really is such a great fit for him. He has a great circle of friends. He has been able to focus on his dance in a way that no other college he toured would have been able to accommodate.  He goes back to school ready to work with 13 dancers that he has gathered to dance a 13 minute piece that he has choreographed and will also be dancing.  It is part of a dance program the end of February.  To hear him take calls with a lighting person, and discuss his needs and expectations so knowledgably is amazing.  Every time I see him, he has grown so much, as a man and as an artist.  I can't wait to watch his production.  I glowed with pride reading his evaluations from his professors.  It was wonderful to know that these people see the man I see.  The talent, the sensitivity, and the committment to art, and to social justice.  

His break has had lots of good things.  Time for him to eat lots of his favorite home cooked meals. Time for him to reconnect with friends here and to work at the store saving money for the next tuition.  Time to be part of our family holiday traditions and to go to the Big City to see a concert with his sister, a friend and me.  He passed his drivers exam and is a fully licensed driver. He visited my mom (his nana) twice and had long talks with her.  He visited his "home" dance studio and danced with them at local nursing homes bringing some joy to local seniors.  In fact he got so invested in talking to the seniors after the show that he is missing from the group photo of the dancers.  But that is KC in a nutshell, someone who more often than not works at bringing smiles and joy to others.

So it's all good, and I am only selfishly mourning the fact that he leaves tomorrow.  This is right and he is ready. As soon as I get over this crud that keeps me barking like a seal, I'll jump back into my workouts and my own dance class and I will find things to occupy my time.  I am always a little down in the dumps this time of year.  The unremitting cold wears on my spirit and my body, but the wheel will turn.  We are getting more daylight hours now than we had in November.  Spring will be here before I know it and he will be home and we will be celebrating his birthday with a trip to the Big Apple to see The Wiz!

This was the  one and only picture I got of the kids at the concert a couple weeks ago.  

Christmas break is ending

 KC has been home since the middle of December.  It has been such a joy to have him here again.  The house is louder when he is here. It is messier when he is here. But it is filled with laughter also.  He's had friends over and gone to other friends homes.  He has worked a lot of hours at the grocery store, saving diligently for college tuition bills. He has eaten favorite foods and shared stories about school. We have watched shows together and he, Elisabeth, their friend J and I went into Boston to attend a concert together.  He finished driving school and passed his RMV test.  It's been a break filled with fun, work and good memories.

He's starting to pack now as he leaves next Monday to go back to school.  His bedroom is starting to show signs of the pending departure and will soon be a lot emptier.  It's hard when he leaves.  Every one of my kids has their own place in my heart and the void when he is not physically present is pretty large.  After a few weeks I get used to it, but it takes a while. It was like that when Rob left too.

He's ready for the return. I can sense it.  In some ways, our city is too small for him right now.  He is eager for those new classes and dance experiences.  He has been working on the choreography for the piece he is creating for a winter show at the school.  It will be performed in February and he has 13 dancers that he is working with for this piece.  He had a phone conversation with the people who will do his lighting while he was home on break.  It is exciting to see him grow, stretch, and reach new heights in an art that means so very much to him.

Friends and Family Performance

 Last night we drove out to the college KC is attending.  It is friends and family weekend there.  Lots of families are spending the weekend with their college student. We only went last night because our guy would not have been able to spend any time with us.  He was performing in a project called SEEP which was a dance program that was envisioned, choreographed, learned and performed in the same day.  They started work at 10 a,m. and performed at 7:30  

I waited eagerly for him to appear on the studio floor with the two other members of his trio.  As always, he is so compelling to watch when he is dancing.  His role was the ocean and his moves were so fluid.  But I am a mom.  Yes, I was also a dancer, but I always wonder if I am looking through the lens of love and it is biased.

After the performance he was introducing us to his friends who had come to watch him perform as well.  A woman who was unknown to us came up and wanted to speak with KC.  She asked what division he was.  He explained he was Div 1 (how they indicate first year students.)  She was visibly shocked.  She said she was a Div 3 and was putting together an entire show and wanted him in it.  She asked about the styles of dance he is familiar with and he told her what he has studied. She asked if he could dance house.

My son who was once so afraid to step on stage at recital confidently said, "I can learn."  They exchanged contact information for a deeper discussion to be had later.  It was everything that i hoped college would offer him.  He's well known as a dancer in our city, but our city is not exactly a cultural hub.  To be able to shine in a bigger pond and to be willing to take risks makes me so happy for him.

The House of Tomorrow

 I actually wrote the previous post last Thursday but we got home so late that night that I forgot to finish and hit publish!  He has been at college now since 8/31  Move in went smoothly. They really have it down to a science.  I thought I would be carrying the furnishings and was a little worried as my wife's ankle is not good right now. But no!  They have a cadre of folks who help load stuff up and cart it to the room and all you have to do is put it away when you are there. Amazing! 

After the move in there was orientation and a lot of speakers and a delicous food truck supper.  Not going to lie though, driving away was hard.  Going to bed that night was hard.  And we have all missed him so much at so many times since he moved in.

But. . . he is supremely blissfully happy.  He is finding his tribe.  He has friends all ready.  He has plans and goals.  He is exactly where he needs to be at this point in his life. And incidently, yay for another successful homeschooler going to college!

And I am working on this new period in my life as well.  I have parented for almost 40 years.  I have forgotten how to NOT actively parent. LOL  Well, Elisabeth is still home but she too is so close to fledging and I am quite sure she will "adult" as soon as she is able.  

I have spent this weekend doing house projects with my wife.  Reorganizing spaces.  Building a new back step.  Repairing a back railing.  Taking down summer decor.  Putting away summer clothes and taking out the fall and cooler weather work duds.  Helping Chet wash the siding on the house. Hanging a new clothes line.  Cleaning our back storage room with Elisabeth. Bringing my mom her groceries and popping into work for a short bit on Saturday. Working on moving a ridiculous amount of pictures off my work phone onto my home computer one by one.

It's mostly all good, though I find I am somewhat lonely. It's okay.  As I told KC when he left, it is OK to be uncomfortable.  It's how we grow.  I will grow too.  I will gradually find new interests, people, experiences, that enrich my time.  I keep thinking of the poem by Gibran.  Our church uses this at child dedications:

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

I think til now I did not think of the house of tomorrow that I will not visit.  But I am always willing to be the stable bow.

Moving Day

 

It's move in day!  The car is packed.  Mini fridge, microwave, clothes, dance gear, pillows, bedding, stuffed animals, food and cooking supplies.  It's there.  We leave in about an hour.  He stripped his bed and the sheets are in the wash.  The bed that won't need to be remade tonight.  

I took this photo at the Jacob's Pillow center when we were there last week for the hip hop class.  Martha  Graham was one of the founders of the Pillow (along with Ted Shawn) and the quote actually refers to dance.  But it is also so true about parenting.  It's about helping our kids find their wings and take those first, sometimes halting flights to independence.  Not pushing out of the nest, but guiding them to the edge with encouragement.  Lifting up when the down drafts try and grab them helping them flap the wings just a bit harder.

It will be hard tonight when I go up to bed and I don't hear him in his room--music playing, or chatting with friends. I'm not sure what I'll do  then but I too will find my way.  This is a new place in parenting.  With a big family I have never even come close to empty nesting.  I need to be intentional about finding my new wings too.  I'm taking a dance class this fall.  That is one thing.  I'll find others as well.

Last Weekend before the college drop off!

 

It was a busy weekend.  The days and hours are fleeing quickly until that guy on the right gets dropped at college on Thursday.  I'm smiling but I am sort of a wreck.  So excited for him, so knowing how very very much I'll be missing him.  I'll miss calling out to him, hey look at the sunset.  I'll miss him calling out to me to come see the moon. But he needs this.

Sunday we drove two hours west of our city so that he and Elisabeth could take a hip hop class at Jacob's Pillow.  This is a cool experience because the participants are studying with instructors from companies that are touring.  This was a class led by Compangnie Kafig and it was extremely cool.  Both of my kids liked it (and rocked it!) The class was supposed to be an hour but ran 90 minutes.  This is them afterwards with the two instructors.  A fun side note, this pic is from Elisabeth's phone. She initiated them taking the picture!  A sure sign that she also enjoyed herself.

I did not get to see much of the class as this one was held in one of the Pillow's indoor spaces. The last time we went they were on an outdoor stage and I could observe the whole class.  I did get to peek in at the end though and it was so cool to watch.  KC is so fluid and just lights up when he dances, and Elisabeth was having a great time as well. 

I also have been overwhelmed with the kindness shown to KC as he readies himself.  A customer where he works gave him a brand new dorm fridge.  As in, still in the box!  A co worker gave him a brand new microwave. It is clear he is loved by many.  I have always said there can never be too many people loving your kids.  In today's turbulent times that is ever more true.  May he meet many more of those people in this next chapter of his life.

Count down to college

 

It is exactly a month tomorrow.  30 days until we drive this handsome man to his college, help load up his room, participate in the parent orientation. . .  and drive away.  This is HARD folks!  The gap year has flown by.  I am thrilled that he has been accepted at a learning institution where he can follow his duel passions of dance and film.  He lights up a stage.  He has such passion for what he does.

But the hole in our home life will be immense. He is the guy who always asks how my day was.  Who hugs me every night.  Who checks in often in so many random little ways.  The house will be cleaner.  The shoe rack will be tidy.  There won't be dishes (or not so many!) in weird places. But I won't hear show tunes belted from the bathroom, or come upon him counting out choreography in the dining room. Or having him run in and tell me to come look at the moonrise or a special sunset.

It feels like not at all long ago that he was always cuddled up with me, reading stories or singing.  Watching Kipper on TV. Taking nightly walks to the park. He has of all my kids, been slowest to step out on his own but now, he is ready.

This is all what should happen.  He is ready to fly and I want him to soar. But I suspect I will also spend this last month spontaneously crying at odd random times. Send kleenex.

More College Ramblings

 Yesterday we toured KC's top  choice school in Western Mass.  It is a very different college from what I am used to with two living buildings on campus, which is highly unusual.  What is a living building ?  Click the link for a more concise explanation than I could give!  Obviously there is a strong environmental focus at the college, but there is equally a passionate social justice program and a thriving arts program which seems a wonderful fit for KC.  The college is part of a 5 college consortium and he would be able to take classes at all colleges without extra tuition.  Dorm rooms are singles and that too is something that will help make his transition easier I think.  He is a guy who needs his space. He also needs sleep and if he was paired with someone who had different needs/schedules he would struggle.

He has all ready been accepted and offered a really great 4 year scholarship from the college.  But after we toured we were told he is being considered for a greater award which we won't know about till probably early April.  He still wants to tour the third choice college in 2 weeks but I am pretty sure he will accept this school's offer and be very happy there. His friend goes there and was able to meet up with us and join us on the tour and talked afterward about what his experience has been like this first year.  Those were helpful insights.

Endings and Beginnings

 It's been busy here.  A bit of reno but most of the busy has been my mom and my youngest son KC.  It's a story of endings and beginnings.  Mom is 90 and has lived two states away from us for more than 25 years.  Til recently it has not been a problem.  But as she ages it has become more of a concern to me. She lives on a second floor and has to also go to the basement down some very sketchy steps to do laundry.  If she needs help she is 2.5 hours from us. During Covid lock down we could not travel to her.  I began to realize that this was a situation that should change.  She did too, but it is hard for her.  

She has lived in this apartment for 20 or so years.  It holds memories and lots  of stuff.  Not in a hoarding way, but more than she needs and can realistically care for. It is a two bedroom so she has a room that is just a study with two desks and file cabinets.  Again, more than she needs but that is hard to say to someone.

About 8 months ago she did agree to apply at the high rise where I work.  Her name came up more quickly than anticipated and it looks like she will move in this month.  The process has produced some excitement for her---the idea of being close to the grandkids and my wife and I,the prospect of attending church with me have been happy thoughts for her.  The idea of an elevator so she does not have to do stairs has been a plus.  But there are also things that produce anxiety.  The very act of moving and realizing that all she owns will.not.fit.  She will be moving to a lovely one bedroom apartment.  There is a great view of a pond and she is close to two city parks and will be able to enjoy nature which is great.  But again, a one bedroom unit.  To try and alleviate the stress I have rented a storage unit.  We will store things she is unsure about and/or which don't fit in the new apartment there.  She can "audition" some of her furniture by doing this.  For instance the woman has two kitchen tables.  One she presently keeps in the front hall of the apartment building. She can't do that in the new place.  She can try one of them in the apartment and we will store the other one.  If she doesn't like the first one, we will swap them.  The one that ultimately is not chosen we can donate or put on marketplace.  It will be the same with the two desks, and other items that she feels unable to decide about.  This has helped calm her a bit.

She is realizing that she does not want to drive in a new city and is considering giving up her car.  At 90 I think that is a good thing.  She is close enough when she moved that I was planning on taking her shopping anyway.  She is grieving the loss of what she once had--the ability to walk at the oceans edge, gatherings with work and church friends ---many who have passed on now or who are less capable than she is.  It is good for her to move but also so hard.  It is a reminder that the wheel of life keeps turning and time on this plane is finite.  It is hard for me too, as she is obviously less capable these days and not the Mom or Nana of years past.

But this is also a season of beginnings.  KC has applied at three colleges.  His intent is to major in dance and minor in film.  He has been accepted all ready at two of the three.  His top choice school, which also offers an amazing financial award toward his tuition and his third choice school which offers a modest award toward tuition.  He has not heard from the second choice but interviews with them this week.  My gut is that he will go with the top choice school but he wants to tour all three and make his decision from that.  All the schools are in our state and within 90 minutes of our home.  He knows he does not want to be further than that from home as family is his touchstone in a very deep way.  February is not only a time of moving Mom to a new apartment but also filled with weekends of the college tours.  

I am so excited for him.  This is his dream and he is chasing it with vigor and purpose.  It is also hard.  Hard to imagine him not in the house every night.  Or here when I get home from work, asking how my day was.  Or dropping him off at dance.  He is so intensely woven into the fabric of family life, that this will be a big adjustment for us all here as well.  This is absolutely what every parent wants for their child, but oh I am still going to be crying into my pillow when he leaves.

Going to get my hair did!

Time--free time that is, is that rarest of commodities lately.  Work is very busy, we are in the midst of audit cycles right now.  College is winding down for the semester for Rob, but he has projects and special things associated with wrapping up the semester that are demanding his time and attentions.  Also raising havoc with our otherwise predictable train schedules.

We are coming closer to dance recital weekend for the youngers and that has also made for extra scheduling challenges.  KC is in the production number at the end (as well as 5 dances) so he has extra practice sessions at the school on days and times that we don't usually allocate to dance.

My homeschooled kids have more friends than I probably had in my entire 12 years of public school and weekends have been peppered with birthday party invites.

Fiona has been home for visits, some have been good, others have been a struggle for her.  Overall I think she is doing better than she has in quite some time.  But I also have some first family issues that may require my attention.  It's not bloggable and what's going on is not a danger.  But it still requires some input from me.  And it feels odd to have some of the first family coming to me and saying that they needed my help handling a situation involving another family member and Fiona.

My wife's business has been off the hook busy and so when I am home I have tried to take on more of the house chores to lighten her load.

But tomorrow?  Tomorrow is a day with a big chunk of it carved out just.for.me.  You all have no idea how weird that is.  My idea of "me time" is reading while I wait up for Rob to get home from work.  I finish my piece work by 10 or 10:30 and read till 11:30 when he gets home on Friday and Saturdays.  And as much as I love to read, well a body needs a bit of pampering.  So tomorrow I am taking the day off from work and getting my hair done.

Done how? Haven't a clue.  I have "bad" hair.  Unlike my girls hair, my hair doesn't stay where you put it. It is thin  and lifeless. It has no body.  It has well,no pizzazz. I'm not thinking tomorrow will give it pizzazz but at least it will be a nice cut and maybe highlights or foils or something daring and decadent to welcome spring.

It's not going to take all day but I will use the rest of the time to do all the chores I normally allocate to Saturday. This Saturday I am taking the kids up to Maine to see my mom.  We usually go for Maple Sugar Sunday but this year that fell on Easter so we didn't go.  Christmas Eve was when we saw her last.  I had planned to go up in February or March but for most of February and all of March one or the other of us was ill.  She is old enough now that I don't want to risk bringing germs so we waited for spring and better health for us all.

Busy?  Sure, but blessed also!

Adapting to Fall schedules

Although fall has seen a real ramp up of our schedules I have counted myself lucky as things seemed to start in a staggered way.  Rob's first week of school was only 2 days and homeschooling that week was only 4 days due to the Labor Day.  The second week he had his regular 3 days of classes and we added Girl Scouts.  Next week, we will add 2 of the three dance nights and church school.The week after that will have everything full time.

It is sort of crazed--my google calendar and our home wall calendar are color coded so I don't forget who needs to go where and when. But it is  good.  We are adapting, week by week.

This weekend we have our last camp out. It is a gathering of our church friends and family at a conference center in Maine.  I tent there because it is less expensive than the dorms and because it allows Chet a quiet space to be if the excitement of so many people begins to spiral him out of control. It isn't really "camping" per se as we just sleep in the tent but it is a lot of fun and we all look forward to it.

It will be cold and it might rain, but we don't care. We will have fun and then regretfully will pack away our gear for the last time.  Fall is really truly here when the tent gets stored!