The term "hard questions" or "hard conversations" for most of my friends seem to be those that parents have regarding changing bodies, sexual identity, and relationships. We have those too,but being an adoptive parent means there are other hard conversations that are unique to adoption.
We've had a bunch of them. Conversations about finding first families. Conversations about feeling conflicted or angry and me. Or at first mom. Conversations about loss and genetics. Abandonment. But yesterday KC learned that he was born drug exposed and for me, that was my hardest one to date.
It happened because of an ad. We went to Maine to visit my mom and had Maine radio on in the car on the way home. We'd been singing along to some pop songs and an ad came on. Lissa was asking me a question about stopping for ice cream and I didn't really hear the ad till it was part way in.
It gave statistics on the number of children in Maine born drug exposed and went on from there. I felt my breath catch in my throat. It was that moment when you just knew the question was going to come. And it did.
My worry was that KC would be upset and we were driving, in relatively busy highway traffic. In a car full of his siblings, who like all kids vary wildly from highly compassionate to oblivious. He immediately asked "was that what happened to me."
I said that it was, and it was why he and Mom Y share a birthday. She had been very careful during her pregnancy (which is true) but on that one night she celebrated and made a choice and used crack. This made her go into labor early and he was born that same night. I added that this was part of why he was in the NICU after he was born.
And that was it. I waited for tears, for angry words. (like most kids, KC has a fairly intense sense of right and wrong and holds adults to a high standard.) He has always crafted a little story for himself of how when he was a baby he wanted to see the world so much he decided to come early. I have always allowed that, and I wondered if he would bring that up now. Nope. He just meshed that new info in with the old and went back to trying out the new sketching pad and pencils he got from Nana.
And there were no bad dreams last night or sleep problems, so I am inclined to believe it really is okay. I am sure that we will talk more in the days and years to come. I am sure there may come a time when it may cause pain. But I hope that he is able to see that everyone makes mistakes, and that Mom Y's love for him comes through in her letters. And that our love is always there enfolding him.
Sunday, April 10, 2016
Thursday, April 7, 2016
Going to get my hair did!
Time--free time that is, is that rarest of commodities lately. Work is very busy, we are in the midst of audit cycles right now. College is winding down for the semester for Rob, but he has projects and special things associated with wrapping up the semester that are demanding his time and attentions. Also raising havoc with our otherwise predictable train schedules.
We are coming closer to dance recital weekend for the youngers and that has also made for extra scheduling challenges. KC is in the production number at the end (as well as 5 dances) so he has extra practice sessions at the school on days and times that we don't usually allocate to dance.
My homeschooled kids have more friends than I probably had in my entire 12 years of public school and weekends have been peppered with birthday party invites.
Fiona has been home for visits, some have been good, others have been a struggle for her. Overall I think she is doing better than she has in quite some time. But I also have some first family issues that may require my attention. It's not bloggable and what's going on is not a danger. But it still requires some input from me. And it feels odd to have some of the first family coming to me and saying that they needed my help handling a situation involving another family member and Fiona.
My wife's business has been off the hook busy and so when I am home I have tried to take on more of the house chores to lighten her load.
But tomorrow? Tomorrow is a day with a big chunk of it carved out just.for.me. You all have no idea how weird that is. My idea of "me time" is reading while I wait up for Rob to get home from work. I finish my piece work by 10 or 10:30 and read till 11:30 when he gets home on Friday and Saturdays. And as much as I love to read, well a body needs a bit of pampering. So tomorrow I am taking the day off from work and getting my hair done.
Done how? Haven't a clue. I have "bad" hair. Unlike my girls hair, my hair doesn't stay where you put it. It is thin and lifeless. It has no body. It has well,no pizzazz. I'm not thinking tomorrow will give it pizzazz but at least it will be a nice cut and maybe highlights or foils or something daring and decadent to welcome spring.
It's not going to take all day but I will use the rest of the time to do all the chores I normally allocate to Saturday. This Saturday I am taking the kids up to Maine to see my mom. We usually go for Maple Sugar Sunday but this year that fell on Easter so we didn't go. Christmas Eve was when we saw her last. I had planned to go up in February or March but for most of February and all of March one or the other of us was ill. She is old enough now that I don't want to risk bringing germs so we waited for spring and better health for us all.
Busy? Sure, but blessed also!
We are coming closer to dance recital weekend for the youngers and that has also made for extra scheduling challenges. KC is in the production number at the end (as well as 5 dances) so he has extra practice sessions at the school on days and times that we don't usually allocate to dance.
My homeschooled kids have more friends than I probably had in my entire 12 years of public school and weekends have been peppered with birthday party invites.
Fiona has been home for visits, some have been good, others have been a struggle for her. Overall I think she is doing better than she has in quite some time. But I also have some first family issues that may require my attention. It's not bloggable and what's going on is not a danger. But it still requires some input from me. And it feels odd to have some of the first family coming to me and saying that they needed my help handling a situation involving another family member and Fiona.
My wife's business has been off the hook busy and so when I am home I have tried to take on more of the house chores to lighten her load.
But tomorrow? Tomorrow is a day with a big chunk of it carved out just.for.me. You all have no idea how weird that is. My idea of "me time" is reading while I wait up for Rob to get home from work. I finish my piece work by 10 or 10:30 and read till 11:30 when he gets home on Friday and Saturdays. And as much as I love to read, well a body needs a bit of pampering. So tomorrow I am taking the day off from work and getting my hair done.
Done how? Haven't a clue. I have "bad" hair. Unlike my girls hair, my hair doesn't stay where you put it. It is thin and lifeless. It has no body. It has well,no pizzazz. I'm not thinking tomorrow will give it pizzazz but at least it will be a nice cut and maybe highlights or foils or something daring and decadent to welcome spring.
It's not going to take all day but I will use the rest of the time to do all the chores I normally allocate to Saturday. This Saturday I am taking the kids up to Maine to see my mom. We usually go for Maple Sugar Sunday but this year that fell on Easter so we didn't go. Christmas Eve was when we saw her last. I had planned to go up in February or March but for most of February and all of March one or the other of us was ill. She is old enough now that I don't want to risk bringing germs so we waited for spring and better health for us all.
Busy? Sure, but blessed also!
Sunday, March 6, 2016
Staying Safe and Calling Home
Last night Rob worked as usual. There was a big MMA fight and I knew that he and two friends were going to a local restaurant after work to watch. He had plans to stay with the friend for the night as he didn't know when the fights would be done. This was fine with us, he has stayed with the friend several times now.
However as he left, we reminded him as always that if anything ever happened that he wasn't comfortable with, to just call or come home. No questions asked, just make the safe choice. I have always worried about this with Rob. He is so easy going, so hakuna matata that I have often wondered if he would look critically enough at a situation and see that it might not be a wise move to be part of it.
Last night he made the choice to call home. He actually could get home but had forgotten his key and would need someone to let him in. I am thrilled that he made the call. He seemed relieved that we did follow the "no questions asked" plan. I did hear him tell his younger siblings that he came home because his friends were going to go somewhere he didn't want to be part of. He is of an age where making those decisions is so very important.
With Rob, food has always been comfort, security and proof of love. Lissa asked if I would make chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast and I said yes. I asked Rob (who is usually only eating healthy/fitness oriented things these days) if he wanted some too. He did and he inhaled about 6 of them, along with my artful strawberry garnish, which was the nod to healthy eating!
However as he left, we reminded him as always that if anything ever happened that he wasn't comfortable with, to just call or come home. No questions asked, just make the safe choice. I have always worried about this with Rob. He is so easy going, so hakuna matata that I have often wondered if he would look critically enough at a situation and see that it might not be a wise move to be part of it.
Last night he made the choice to call home. He actually could get home but had forgotten his key and would need someone to let him in. I am thrilled that he made the call. He seemed relieved that we did follow the "no questions asked" plan. I did hear him tell his younger siblings that he came home because his friends were going to go somewhere he didn't want to be part of. He is of an age where making those decisions is so very important.
With Rob, food has always been comfort, security and proof of love. Lissa asked if I would make chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast and I said yes. I asked Rob (who is usually only eating healthy/fitness oriented things these days) if he wanted some too. He did and he inhaled about 6 of them, along with my artful strawberry garnish, which was the nod to healthy eating!
Joy
I have been the recipient of the family plague. Congestion, coughing, chills, lots of fun. I am on week 2 and despite the note of whining you may detect in the above sentences, I am not deathly ill. For the most part I have been able to totter toddle along fairly well. But the coughing thing is hard and annoying so I did something I almost never do, and asked for a substitute teacher for my RE class. An hour and 15 minutes of nearly constant talking in a hot dry room would not work particularly well. And when the parents arrived to hear me hacking like a TB patient in one of those old movies, they would also be likely to be annoyed.
So although today is a "lazy" day for me, the days up till today have not been. Thursday was Fiona's team meeting for her annual review and planning. Her worker from DDS was there, as was her house manager, her behavioral specialist, and others who help along the way. It was by far the best meeting that we have had. Fiona did an amazing job advocating for herself and articulating things that she would like to achieve. The DDS worker and I helped Fiona to open up and explain what made her uncomfortable with the experience. This helped us to suggest changes to the process so that she might be able to achieve success.
The DDS worker also makes unannounced visits to the home that Fi lives in. Apparently this is mandated so that she can make sure all is as it should be. Unfortunately, partly due to the way the DDS worker presents herself and partly due to Fiona's own lack of understanding, Fiona hates this. She feels that DDS is putting "her business" out for the other peers in the home to be knowing. Intensely private, this has caused Fi to have a full blown meltdown and numerous late night calls to me when these visits occured. I brought it up, trying to frame it in a way that did not embarrass Fi, anger DDS etc. I thankfully succeeded and there was a good explanation to Fi about what is really going on when DDS visits. A plan was made on a place for Fiona to go and wait for the worker so that she was not sitting with peers and feeling anxious. Fingers crossed that it works.
After the meeting, Fiona asked if she could take me to lunch and we went to a sub shop together and chatted some more and just relaxed. It was really great to see her feeling positive about this and feeling like these were goals that she achieved.
Then yesterday, Cousin N came out to do the maintenance session for Lissa's locks. They are coming along beautifully and it was fun to hang out while she did Lissa's hair. Fiona was home for the visit and N brought her daughter C who hung out with KC and Fiona and Rob while Lissa got her hair done. I cooked a big lunch for everyone and there was also an epic nerf gun battle.
Blending families, understanding where we all come from and what gifts and challenges we bring to relationships takes time. N and I have a really blooming friendship. Lissa considers her her "big cousin" and N is deeply touched and considers us family as well. Just watching everyone interact together and listening to the laughter and sharing the dreams fills me with joy.
So although today is a "lazy" day for me, the days up till today have not been. Thursday was Fiona's team meeting for her annual review and planning. Her worker from DDS was there, as was her house manager, her behavioral specialist, and others who help along the way. It was by far the best meeting that we have had. Fiona did an amazing job advocating for herself and articulating things that she would like to achieve. The DDS worker and I helped Fiona to open up and explain what made her uncomfortable with the experience. This helped us to suggest changes to the process so that she might be able to achieve success.
The DDS worker also makes unannounced visits to the home that Fi lives in. Apparently this is mandated so that she can make sure all is as it should be. Unfortunately, partly due to the way the DDS worker presents herself and partly due to Fiona's own lack of understanding, Fiona hates this. She feels that DDS is putting "her business" out for the other peers in the home to be knowing. Intensely private, this has caused Fi to have a full blown meltdown and numerous late night calls to me when these visits occured. I brought it up, trying to frame it in a way that did not embarrass Fi, anger DDS etc. I thankfully succeeded and there was a good explanation to Fi about what is really going on when DDS visits. A plan was made on a place for Fiona to go and wait for the worker so that she was not sitting with peers and feeling anxious. Fingers crossed that it works.
After the meeting, Fiona asked if she could take me to lunch and we went to a sub shop together and chatted some more and just relaxed. It was really great to see her feeling positive about this and feeling like these were goals that she achieved.
Then yesterday, Cousin N came out to do the maintenance session for Lissa's locks. They are coming along beautifully and it was fun to hang out while she did Lissa's hair. Fiona was home for the visit and N brought her daughter C who hung out with KC and Fiona and Rob while Lissa got her hair done. I cooked a big lunch for everyone and there was also an epic nerf gun battle.
Blending families, understanding where we all come from and what gifts and challenges we bring to relationships takes time. N and I have a really blooming friendship. Lissa considers her her "big cousin" and N is deeply touched and considers us family as well. Just watching everyone interact together and listening to the laughter and sharing the dreams fills me with joy.
Wednesday, March 2, 2016
KC will be Coming of Age next church year!
That's KC in the pageant at church this December. That guy is going to be in the Coming of Age class. As in NEXT YEAR! I can't quite wrap my head around that. KC is my fey child; a lover of music, dance, art and magic. Not ready to give up fantasy, yet also funny, intuitive and smart. Coming of Age will be great for him. It will challenge him enough for growth but give him the steadiness and security of beloved friends and compassionate adults around him while he does that.
This past week our Religious Ed director asked the kids who they would choose as a possible mentor. Mentors are really important in this process. Good ones are more than there on Sunday mornings. In Rob's case, the mentor really has become a true friend and they seek one another out at fellowship time. Rob finished COA many years ago, so it is a testament to the program and the participants.
KC chose Jane, an artist who attends our church and with whom he has been friends for years. He took some art lessons from her for a time and loved that. Jane gets the softer side of KC--he's not the guy who wants to go throw a football around with another guy. He cheers on the Patriots but doesn't really follow anything else. And he still dances in the aisles of our local supermarket. Jane is a perfect fit for him. A mom of 2 boys herself, she is also quirky, emotional and uber talented. She will simultaneously help our boy grow roots and spread wings.
But KC in his own quiet way, also is an agent for change here. In all the years our church has offered this program, kids have unfailingly chosen their mentors along gender lines. Till KC. It would just never occur to him to do that. He likes guys, and has guy friends but there is a dearth of artsy guys in our church at the moment and that is the component in a personality that he craved the most. Our director was fine with it, Jane was honored, KC does not know yet that his wish was granted.
Now I'll go sniff and remember the wee little fellow who used to fit in doll clothes when we brought him home.
Sunday, February 14, 2016
Spreading the Love
Today was Valentines Day. A veeeery cold Valentines Day. I woke and it was way below zero. This does not amuse me. My idea of a winter hike would be walking on a beach in oh-say Hawaii or Orlando! But despite the frigid temps outside and the not all that warm ones inside (the house was 52 when I got up and didn't get to over 60 till noon time) we had a great day.
I made a special holiday breakfast and then we lolled around till Rob came home from his friends house about noonish. Well some folks lolled. I was actually so cold that I was walking and jumping and actually acting like J*ne F*nda on speed most of the morning. I wear a fitbit and had 10K steps before 10 a.m. And I was not sweating. No lie. Reynaud's is annoying in the winter in New England.
Rob got a text that they needed him back at the restaurant for 4 p.m. which meant we had to restructure our Valentines Day party. This was important to all of us but it was extra important to me that we make sure that happened when Rob was here. He had texted me last night that although he was spending the night at a friends house after work that he would be home for the party today. It isn't that our party is anything all that fancy. Decorations in the dining room, home made Valentines in a "mailbox" we made years ago. And heart shaped pizza.
But it is a family tradition. And it is fun. Laughter rolls through the house (this year somewhat also punctuated by coughs and sneezes as half of the tribe are in various stages of recovery from a weird cold/virus thing. Gifts are small. Tiny hearts of candy with a whopping 3 candies in each, and a chapstick (aptly timed since these were bought before the plague descended upon our home!) But it is not about the gifts. It is about the love.
For years my wife kind of railed against Valentines Day. She views it as a manufactured holiday. Many people agree with her. And maybe they are right. But I don't care; a day to spend a bit of extra time showing love? I'm so okay with that.
Happy Valentines Day!
Tuesday, February 9, 2016
Mardi Gras Birthday Fun
Rob was able to get the early train home so he was here for the party. A huge gift in and of itself. We pooled our funds and gave my wife spending money for the trip she is taking in May to go and visit her dear friend in Louisville. She treasures that time and I know that will be something she will really have fun with.
My poor wife has been very ill the past week or so and now Lissa has it. A cold/chesty/ and sinus thing that is lingering on and on. Yet despite all that the house was filled with laughter and joy tonight, and memories to treasure.
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