Thanksgiving 2016

I love Thanksgiving.  I love the gathering of family and friends. Our house bulges with both, and the tables (yes, plural) groan with food options.  There is laughter, joking, and memories are made. I feel extremely blessed.  Also, extremely tired, but I digress.

What I thought on this year though were a couple of random things.  I thought about how we are sort of at a crossroads.  I don't know that next year Rob will be with us for Thanksgiving.  He might be,and he is always welcome. But I think that it is also possible that he may be elsewhere, spreading the wings he has been fledging these past few years of college.  I may be cutting the carrots and potatos myself next year--missing his smile, quiet helpful demeanor and oh goddess, his speedy knife skills.

My father in law and my mom are aging.  It was a huge relief this year to see that Dad seemed better than when we got together this summer.  His recent cataract surgery has had an amazing success on his vision and he barely needs glasses now.  His energy seems better and I hope for many many more Thanksgivings with him, but you never know.  My mom is the same age and she too is slowing a bit.  She has health issues that have begun to impact her abilities and this is troubling to her and frightening to me.

And at a wider level, as I sat in abundance, I was reminded that this is not a day of rejoicing for the native population of our country.  And today, right now, we are again perpetuating injustice against the native population. How can we even think about something as toxic as the Dakota Access PipeLine?  How can we allow water cannons to douse protestors in freezing temperatures?  How is it that we seem unable to learn from past mistakes and continue to perpetuate the same unfair treatment?

So today, yes I celebrated.  But I celebrated not that first Thanksgiving.  I celebrated family.  I celebrated friends, and the strength of love.

Hopping On

Mid day Friday I was reasonably sure that the meeting about Fiona's proposed bunny had gone well.  I brought with me to the meeting a paper print out of the email sent to me when the group home house manager first proposed working on this.  I had circled the date, which was just over a year ago. It was immediately evident until I produced the email that this was going to be a brush off meeting.  However the tenor changed immediately when I showed the email and they took copies. The present house manager and the clinician both agreed that to recant on the promise would be seriously detrimental to my daughter.  We brainstormed ways to meet the need of Fi to have a pet and walk around the apparent no pet policy of the home.  The present house manager has a farming background and suggested an outdoor hutch.  I was on board provided they helped defray the cost by making the hutch in a woodworking shop used by some of the male participants in the facility.  (different house, but same overseeing agency)  They were fine with that.  I asked for an explicit accounting of my daughter's personal funds and am promised that I will receive this by the end of this week and that it will detail what the expenditures were.  I am sure that they were FOR her. I am also sure that intentionally or inadvertantly, deposits into the bunny fund envelope were not being made as schedule dicatated.  Fiona always asks staff before spending anything "this isn't from my bunny fund, is it?" and both the clinician and the new house manager admitted freely to this.

I will somehow scrape together money to replace the funds that were misspent so that Fiona would not lose this opportunity due to lack of cash.  I made this clear to the team that met with me.  We parted on what I thought were good terms.

Late Friday night when there would be no way to contact anyone I received an email. It was actually a forwarded email from the CFO who said it was unfortunate that the previous house manager had misrepresented the facilities policies.  He sited a number of reasons why it might not be possible to have the bunny and said I would not have an answer till Monday by days end.  The entire tone of his email is one of shock and like he heard this proposal  for the first time.

I didn't bring EVERY email to the meeting.  I brought the initial email.  Here at home I have the one detailing the house manager's conversation with the CFO and exactly what this person contributed to the discussion by way of a question he had wanted answered by me. The email clearly names the CFO and details the conversation the house manager had with him as well as the resulting query the CFO had for me.   I have also sent an email out to DDS informing them of the situation and the detriment that this scenario could have on Fiona's mental health and emotional stability.

Please stop playing, people.

Strength in the hard times

It's been a hard week.  A hard week for our nation where results show how divided we truly are.  Results that gave hate talk and injustice a seeming legitimacy.  It has been a hard week as a parent, navigating this morass.  I believe in sharing reality with my children but I also believe that we can't lose hope.  We have to believe--I have to believe--that love can and will ultimately triumph.  This is not the final decision and there is much we can do to share and spread love. Much we can do to protect the vulnerable.  We must step up and do this work.  I believe that the best of people is usually revealed in the worst situations.

On a personal level I have had a migraine for 3 days which is wearing my body and patience rather thin.  At this time of year I do more driving in darkness and the headlights are a trigger for me.  It is exhausting and I was too yucky feeling last night to attend a party that I had been looking forward to for a month or more.  End of personal pity party.

Then there have been ongoing changes and concerns at my daughter's group home.  We meet today to discuss the pet issue that had been approved by the previously approved is apparently not approved now.  Last night at 10:30 I also received a call from Fiona and an employee of the home.  Fi has been saving money for the bunny needs and had a budget and now all but 60 of the money is missing.  The group home worker and I are furious because Fiona would always ask before she spent money if this was coming out of her "bunny fund."  Fi can't read a lot and can't do math well; her budgeting strategies are using envelopes to save for things she wants and needs. She has done this several times successfully in the past, most recently saving for a large screen TV for her room.  Part of today's meeting will involve my asking for a full accounting of her expenditures from her spending money for the past 3 months. I will expect receipts and a full explanation of why the plan was not followed.

I feel a huge breach of trust and I know that Fiona does too. There have been big goals that she has worked hard on for this.  She feels that she met these goals "for nothing".  I can't blame her.  I can't ask her to trust people that I no longer trust.

And then last night I learned that Leonard Cohen had passed away.  Hallelujah is my favorite song.  I listen to a zillion different versions of that, my most favorite being Leonard himself and artists who perform it acoustically or "stripped down."  Today I will listen to it and remember that we all have gifts to give.  Leonard gave the gift of music for over 50 years.  Today my gift must be that of advocacy and accountability.

Trumped

Like many in this country, I am still mentally reeling after this election.  I speak cautiously in my work environment, unsure who may be quietly celebrating the win of their candidate.  Inside, I feel like wailing and screaming.

I worry for my children.  Strong beautiful children of color, in a country whose president elect seems to respect only those who are male white and powerful. I think of my Rob, coming of age in a world that suddenly seems more bigoted and narrow than I ever thought our country could be again.  I think of KC and Lissa whose optimism and belief in a wonderful future was rocked this morning at breakfast when we talked about election results.

  I worry for myself.  I worry that rights I have been able to enjoy as a married lesbian woman will somehow be curtailed,  or lost entirely.

I worry for the work I do.  I work in an industry that provides housing to the more vulnerable members of our society.  Those who are socio-economically deprived. I have worked in this industry long enough to know that our work is always under funded and harder during Republican administrations. I have never had the misfortune of working during a trifecta of Republican control.

I worry for the women of our society.  It is hard to feel that someone who espoused what was charitably called "locker room talk" will really champion equality, will embrace breaking the glass ceiling.  Will women even be continued to choose what happens to their own bodies?

The world is never a certain place but I have always idealistically believed that justice and right could and would prevail.  Today, I am not so very sure of that.

Bunny Blues

There has been another round of huge staffing changes at the home where Fiona lives.  It also goes higher up the food change with a clinician change and some new faces in upper management.  I can't speak to whether any of this is good or not. Frankly I liked our last direct care team very much and the 15 months or so that we worked together were some of the healthiest ever for Fiona.  I felt they got her, not just her needs, but who she is as a person, beyond and above all the cognitive and behavioral stuff.  The inside part that so often struggles to be seen and validated.

However I see huge storm clouds on the horizon.  This team contacted me last October about Fiona having a pet.  This was something she asked for and they went up the chain and got approval for.  I was not the driving force in this.  While I know that pets are therepeutic, while i know that Fi adores animals and is good with them, I have had deep concerns over the plan.

Loving pets does not translate into having the ability to provide regular and appropriate care.  However my opinon was not solicited and a plan was put into place.  Fiona has been working the plan which included a certain decreased level in holds, a certain level of cleanliness in her room and other goals.  It has been a long road but she has met these requirements and thought that this Christmas she would be able to buy her bunny.  (part of the goals were also financial and budgeting for the pet care and the supplies the pet would need.

A couple days ago Fiona called me and said she was worried that staff were backing away from the plan to get her the bunny.  I said I didn't think that was the case but that i would contact the team.  I did and my daughter is correct.  The new team point person said "gee it is not our practice to permit pets for a variety of reasons yada yada yada."  We are meeting next Friday as i have the day off to discuss this and develop a plan.  There will be no good resolution to this if they are recanting.

My daughter has had too many instances where people have broken faith with her.  This is going to be another and she will hate every single member of this team forever.  Or at least till they all ride off into the sunset and the next crew come on board.

To complicate things, we just let Lissa get a small dog.  If Fiona can't realize her dream of pet ownership it is also going to create a difficult dynamic here to negotiate.

What the new team does not know is that I have saved every single email to me and from me regarding the pet issue.  Actually I save every email with this agency period. And if I have a phone call, i send a follow up email saying "this is my understanding etc etc. and asking for their confirmation."  I don't know that this will help her get the pet but it will help me if I have to take this up a notch concerning the way they are handling my daughter's care.

Spooky Solutions

Fiona and I had a long phone conversation today. She is coming for a visit home next Saturday but the holidays are starting to be first and foremost in her mind.  I expected that.  Holidays are very much a mixed blessing for her.  On the one hand, she looks forward to them almost as much as KC and Lissa.  On the other hand, the double whammy of her birthday and Christmas remains hard for her to manage.  Though she is turning 24 this year she has no money concept and is prone to asking for gifts that are far beyond the price point of what I can provide for her.  I can expect several conversations this year with varying degrees of success about this.  Last year for instance, she wanted a 250 ipod touch as one of her gifts.  It was hard to explain to her that Christmas for 5 kids means everyone gets something that they want but that there are limits to what I can spend and how many gifts I can supply.

This year, Fi has had more visits home to her first mom, Mom J.  She told me today that Mom J wants her there for Halloween so she can go out when they take her sister R who is about Lissa's age, out trick or treating.  Fiona was feeling conflicted because she always comes with us and was afraid KC and Lissa would be upset. She thought she had come up with a solution which involved all of us going out together.  Which would be fine except that we live 2 1/2 hours apart!  

I explained that we would miss her but that in big families we have to take turns being together.  We had been lucky enough to have her with us for a bunch of Halloween celebrations.  It was J and R's turn and no one would be angry or upset if that was what she wanted to do.  I explained the logistics of why it was not possible for us to trick or treat together.  Distance, the week night etc all play a role.  Also I know J does not drive and I reminded her that I do very little night driving because of my migraines.

I suggested that she and I brain storm with the rest of the family about a place where next summer we could have a big potluck picnic type gathering.  Ideally we can find some place 1/2 way between us all with lots of space to gather, eat and play.  She was very excited by that possiblility and it is something I would genuinely like to do.  I am hoping her cousin N might have some ideas of possible places and I will start googling looking for ideas too.

Wandering and Wondering

 Last night the younger kids and I went on a walk.  We spent a bit of time at a park on our block.  It was a place we spent hours and hours at when they were small, basically from 6 months old to about age 7 for Lissa.  KC was about 9 when we pretty much stopped going.  The park is geared to the younger set and suddenly, the magically dinosaur themed  equipment was no longer massive.

The dinosaur that KC spent hours trying to climb was now an easy hop and a jump.  There are still large swings that Lissa enjoyed last night.  While she was swinging KC and I walked around the park.  He is a lover of memories, my child most likely to treasure a card or a "remember when" moment.  And sure enough, he was recounting all the things we did over the years there. When certain pieces of equipment arrived, who we met there.  Who we were still friends with despite having moved on from "dino days."  Funny anecdotes, like the splashing contests we sometimes had in puddles there.  It all came flooding back to him and we both really enjoyed revelling in the re-telling.

He got a bit weepy over the fact that he doesn't enjoy the park in the same way any more.  Moving on is hard for anyone and I suspect a bit more so for KC who clings to the magic of childhood with tenacious grip.  I reminded him that the greatest gift the dino park gave him was the fact that it was so magical that at nearly 13 he could remember how special it was and that nothing would take that away.  He smiled and said that he wanted to make sure that when he has kids that they go to the dino park just like he did.  I said that maybe they would, but that if life took him some place else, he would remember the fun we made there and would find something like that to give to his kids.  It was sort of an "ah ha" moment for him to realize that you could draw from the beauty of an experience and not necessarily have to replicate it exactly.  A huge growth moment among falling leaves and beautiful memories.