Sitting With Myself

I am an extrovert by nature.  I love people. I love being in community.  I am highly social in every sense of the word.  Being with people feeds my spirit and gives me energy.  I am respecting the social distance protocols. I am finding new ways to accomplish my work for a marginalized population in times of social distancing. I am using all reasonable care.

I am grateful during this time for technology.  I am not really tech savvy myself.  (writing a blog is about as high tech as this gal gets!)  i am however blessed with a very tech savvy company and church community.  So work meetings continue via our computers and phones.  And today, we had a church service that was highly attended virtually.  (funny aside:  my work laptop does not have a camera, my home computer does.  Boy was I glad I had combed my hair this a.m. when I realized that everyone  at virtual church could see me!)

However it was sitting in service that i realized that i had not taken time to think of how I feel during this time of pandemic.  I have been very busy at work.  I have been busy at home helping my wife to handle her anxiety and stay calm.  I have been finding things to occupy the kids who are used to such a busy life.  i have been trying to calm a teen who may not have a recital the first year he landed a lead role. I have been checking in with my sister in law who is receiving chemo and has a highly compromised immune system.  I have been trying to reassure my mother who is very anxious and flashing back to WW2 and depression era memories due to the lack of resources available.  I have been working at planning creative meals around the things we have been able to purchase during the shortages.  And somehow in there, I lost sight of looking more deeply into my own feelings.  A week or so ago I told my kids all about how this time would be our "Walden" our chance to be more fully present with ourselves.  And I haven't been.

Today was a chance to do that.  It wasn't exactly comfortable. These are scary times and I was forced to admit that I am scared.  I am an older parent (even though I would like to believe I don't look it!) While I have no underlying health conditions, that does put a certain level of risk in the equation.

I am a planner.  I am feeling at sixes and sevens because I can't really plan right now.  I don't know what the world will look like in July so I have not made reservations for camping as I intended to.  If our state locks down and I need to use all my vacation time to keep paychecks coming into the house, we may not be able to take that time.

I also realized when we were virtually in community at church today just how much I emotionally need others.  I need to see faces, hear voices, and share stories.  This morning's service went a long way toward filling a void I did not really know I had.

And yet, thus far I am really blessed.  My immediate family is all healthy.  My mother and my FIL and SIL remain healthy.  I have heard that my sister who lives across the country has the virus but is recovering at home and has not required hospitalization.  We will get through this and though the world will be changed irrevocably by this experience, I have to believe that the resiliance of our human spirit will see us through.

Of Change and Covid-19

Life is different these days.  I never fully realized just how busy and involved our family is--how wide and rich our circle is, until it suddenly shrank. And shrank. And shrank some more.  Our church has made the difficult decision to suspend in person services and Religious Exploration classes.  We are utilizing technology to meet via zoom and remain connected.  It is of help, but we are all aware that it is not the same and that all may not participate in that manner.  My daughter Elisabeth's Coming of Age program is suspended until they can safely resume meetings and make their field trip to the Big City, have their retreat and the other important components that make up the Coming of Age year.  My kids dance school has closed for at least one week.  It is unclear whether the recital date will change and how this will impact practices for the lead characters in their production of Beauty and the Beast.  This is definately not how he expected his first year having a lead to unfold. 

My job is expected to continue in a rather unique fashion where we will report to work and work with the doors locked, interacting with tenants and prospective residents by phone and email and fax only.  I have yet to figure out how this translates to lease signings and the federal paperwork that make up my day but we will figure this out.

Schools are closed which also means that my daughters Scout troop is not meeting until some undetermined date. Her encampment event in April with the Scouts is also cancelled.  I had a gathering planned at a friends house to learn about a product she sells.  This has been postponed and she is posting info on line.  Our annual trip to Maine to the maple sugar festival has been cancelled.

I have told the kids that this is going to be our Walden time.  A time to hunker down and spend time as a family.  We will have time for reading and board games, family walks and movie nights.  Our pantry is well stocked--my legacy of food insecurity when I first moved out on my own translated to me always wanting a healthy pantry.  I may have a bit less than optimum papergoods, but we will not go hungry. There are all the staples and I love to cook so I have no worries in that regard.

There are things we can not plan for but we will trust that with perserverance, common sense and yankee ingenuity that we will all be fine and come through this.  May you all be safe and find solace in the love of family in these new and differant times.

Nearly 16!

In April, KC turns 16.  He is such a busy guy, embracing life fully and chasing his dreams.  In addition to homeschooling, he works part time at  a local market and at the dance school.  He volunteers in one of the classrooms at church fairly regularly and attends youth group weekly.  And he dances.  4 nights a week, and more as the march towards recital begins.  He has a leading role as The Beast in Beauty and the Beast and is extremely excited.

Since December I have been asking him how he sees himself celebrating 16  It's a milestone birthday and I would expect that he might want a bit more than a family birthday party.  He said he had been making a list of people he wanted to invite. He was up to 43 people.  Note to self:  Produce list of friends the next time someone makes that "socialization" comment about homeschoolers!  I said we could do that if we rent a hall (or the function room at church) and bring music and food.

So that was an option.  But I think he became a little concerned that he wasn't quite ready to host that much on his own.  (obviously we would be there but there is more involvement in making sure one's guests are having fun.)

I checked in again in January.  He had a couple of experience oriented venues that appealed to him but were far beyond our price point for the number of people he wanted to invite.  Today he came to me and said if he trimmed the list to 25 people could he do a dinner at a restaurant.  That feels "grown up" to him and he feels all his friends (who are diverse and who don't all know each other) would get along and enjoy a meal together.


So that is the plan---now to get him to pin down a date.  This requires checking rehearsal schedules with his dance school!

Mellow post yoga posting

Today was back to work but in some ways I still feel slightly like I am in vacation mode.  The dance school and Scouts don't resume until next week, so re-entry was definately easier than it would be otherwise.  Homeschool work got done quickly; I have a boat load of work at my job but I always do.  I can go in early tomorrow and whack down a fair bit of that. 

Because there was no taxi service needed from me to get kids to and from dance tonight I was able to take an evening yoga class.  Hopefully in February my instructor will start Saturday classes again. Those are my favorite as i enjoy starting the day with the practice.  But for now, she has evening ones in a new location that is super convenient to my house.  So I will normally go on Monday evenings but took advantage of the free night tonight for a class. 

It is different doing yoga at night.  Opening my eyes after the final meditation to find the studio essentially in full darkness is a new experience for me.  But I am so glad that her studio has reopened and that yoga can once more be part of my life on a weekly basis.  I know people do yoga in solitary practice at home.  I have a great mat.  But I don't have great body sense and can not tell if my body is properly aligned. Since I have scoliosis it is important that someone see when I am rounding a back that should be straight or listing to the leeward when I think I am straight and tall. LOL

What I do at home is my on line exercise program which is great for calorie burn and cardio.  Exercise and keeping my body supple and fit remains important to me.  It helps that I enjoy it too!  It releases stress and keeps me more mellow.

I didn't make official resolutions this year, but I am making an effort to be more intentional about doing things that are good for me--whether that is emotionally good or physically good.  I think as parents many of us get so used to putting the kids first that the habit of self care is easily lost.  I don't need days at a spa, I just need a bit of time each day to move my body and/or enrich my mind.

This has been sort of a work in progress resolution over the past several years.  The first thing that I made a priority was to do more pleasure reading. Several years ago I realized that all my reading was either for work or for homeschooling.  I have made reading goals for several years on Goodreads and last year read almost 50 books.  It is fun to keep track of my progress and it is fun to find new authors.  I am a total Kindle lover.  Being able to down load a book from the on line library is the best thing that ever happened to this busy mom!  So this year, I hope you all find something that you enjoy doing, that makes your spirit sing, or heals a tired soul.

Merry Everything!

It is Christmas Day and it has been magical and emotional and wonderful in ways I could not have imagined.  The only hard part was that Fiona decided at the 11th hour to go to the Big City and have her Christmas and birthday celebrations with members of her family who live there.  Rob and the rest of the kids were disappointed as was I.  I had planned her favorite meal, her choice of birthday dessert and of course there are gifts aplenty awaiting her.  We will get togethe at some point but it is unlikely that we will all be able to be here.  Rob typically works weekends which are the only times I am free and juggling around the kids regular responsibilities and part time jobs means maybe 3/5 of the family will be here when she decides to visit.  I am okay with that but it is likely Fiona will not be despite the fact that this change was here decision and not ours.

However the rest of our day has been beyond my imaginings.  KC asked that we get up 10 minutes before the rest of the family so that he could give my wife and I his gift privately.  I had no idea what it could possibly be but we agreed.  He wrote the most heartfelt loving letter to us that we both cried buckets reading it. Then he turned on the TV and he had made a video with a montage of pictures of the three of us as he has grown and a dance he had choreographed to a song called In Case you don't live forever.  I have watched it three times and bawled each time.  Most times I think we don't know how we touch one anothers lives (and that is ok) but in this rare magical instant, we know.

All the kids outdid themselves this year and being together is always my greatest gift.  I know that some time Rob will move out.  I know he has plans he is working toward. So every holiday he is here is a gift beyond measure to me.  Everyone's gifts were thoughtful and showed such love and care for the recipient.

Now a feast awaits and I plan to tuck in with abandon.  Happy Christmas, blessed Yule, Happy Hannukah--merry everything to everyone!

Happy Birthday Elisabeth!

 Tomorrow, I will have a newly minted teenager!  How is it possible that this sweet baby (who will of course always be my baby) is now entering their teen years.   Years of challenge and changes, tears and laughter, discovery of self and others.

I am one who often looks back over pictures.  They bring a smile (and sometimes a tear) to me.  I remember in that first picture how very little Elisabeth was. She is holding "Doll Doll" a stuffed sheep given to her when she came home by our friends who lived next door.  Doll Doll (though mightily worn through many years of loving) still sleeps in Elisabeth's bed each night.

 I remember when coordinating Easter outfits was a fun family thing.  Now, as older kids, they need to express their own sense of style and this is definately not an option any longer!

I remember when a trip for ice cream at a particular place was a refuge on a hot summer night.  Elisabeth is a huge fan of soft serve and they used to have 24 varieties of soft serve!  Sadly they are no longer in business but that smile and that cone bring them to mind.

My fearless child!  Elisabeth has always been the one to push her own limits and to test mine.  This picture is not the same year as the ice cream one--she loved that swim suit so much we had it in two sizes and they wore it for 4 years.  Younger than KC by 2 1/2 years I remember how she rocked this indoor water park challenge, even though   big brother was very timid about trying to navigate it.

 I have loved watching Elisabeth blossom as a dancer.  This picture was the first year she showed me she could do all her own make up without my assistance!  Only two years ago, yet the first of many things that will no longer need a mom's touch.

And Elisabeth just a week ago, as we prepared to hang a new ornament on our family Christmas tree.  In May they opted to cut their hair--something I had not done since birth--and at present the preferred hair style is just short curls.  This may also be part of Elisabeth's personal self discovery.  I have also been told that the preferred pronouns are they/their.  I am trying very hard to honor that. 

I believe so strongly that it is necessary to support our kids on their journeys, whatever that looks like.  But can I share that it is just hard  not to use her/she?  They feels plural and weird language to me. Can I share that I miss her long long locks (which by the time she cut them were about 4 inches longer than in the picture above)  But I keep reminding myself. This is their journey and life. I am just the one lucky enough to be along to watch the journey unfold.  Happy Birthday beloved Elisabeth!

It Happened and Chet Rocked it!

Who would have thought it?  I took a 2 WEEK VACATION!  The world did not end (though candidly I have had to go in early every day last week and likely next week in order to catch up!)  However, it was worth whatever extra work I need to do now.  We all had a fabulous time.

And the best thing?  The friends we went with had a blast too. There was zero squabbles.  There were 6 of their kids, and 4 of ours and everyone just got along. We shared a giant house with its own pool.  I was most worried about Chet as large groups can be over stimulating. And we were spending a lot of time in the Magical Place.  Theme parks also can be over stimulating.  However we brought sound reducing head phones for him to wear when things started to be too much for him.  He was resistant at first to employing them but eventually could see that they really do help.

I remain amazed at how accommodating D^sney is.  I brought documentation of Chet's status with us as I was concerned about his ability to maintain in a long line.  It turns out that there was a program whereby we could check in at a ride and be given a return time, allowing us to move elsewhere about the park, get a bite to eat, etc and then just return at the scheduled time.  Our friends have two children on the spectrum as well so we were all in the same boat and received the same accommodation.

I knew the other kids would have a blast and they did, in all the "typical" and expected ways.  It was also magical because Rob was able to be with us for the second week and I know that he hopes to move to the West Coast in the next year or two so this may be the last big family vacation with him. But watching Chet succeed at this, laughing and having a truly wonderful time--that is my great gift.  You need to understand that when he was little we could not even go to a small theme park (think Santas Village in NH or Story Land in NH) without horrible meltdowns.  I remember him biting me all the way to the car when he was about 8 because he was so overstimulated.   I remember being black and blue from being kicked.  Admittedly we did not have the correct diagnosis then, but the pain of not being able to share in a beloved parent/child experience was an emotional wound.  Now those memories will forever be outshone by two weeks of him laughing and having fun in ways I never knew he could.