This Thanksgiving Fiona spent the holiday with her first mom J. She wants to spend Christmas with us. I am fine with this and had reassured her multiple times that I was more than okay with this. We talked during the week and i wished her a happy thanksgiving early on Wednesday and asked her to give my love to J and the rest of the family when she saw them. She said she would. She called me Thursday and we exchanged greetings. All was well.
Friday morning we were bringing down our Christmas decor and putting away all the harvest decorations when Fiona video chatted me. I was thrilled to hear from her but certainly not looking my best. I had gone out on Black Friday shopping and got home at 2 a.m. By 7 a.m. I was up and we were in the midst of the holiday home bustle. I (ahem) had not even gotten out of my jammies. My hair looked like the wreck of the hesperus. But I never refuse to talk. Fi and I talked and then Rob and Fi, Then Rob and J. Then J and I. It was good conversation all round, my bad hair and pj ensemble not withstanding. I was especially glad for Rob who later when we were talking said that his conversations with J are getting easier.
However, the bloom was off the rose so to speak by today. I got a video call again from Fiona but this one said that she wanted to go back to her program. Right then. Immediately. I explained that she was a long way away and that immediately was not an option but that I would reach out to the staff and make sure someone was on the way. I was surprised she was still there as I had said that the visit should not be more than Wed. through Friday evening. (by evening back at her program) My reasoning for this is that I believe Fi needs help in interpreting and charting her relationship with J as a young adult. To stay too long would I feared lead to her magical thinking of staying there or trying to recreate fantasies that were not realized in her childhood. It also is a lot to put on J for her to be there for more than the equivilent of a weekend. Fiona needs a lot of monitoring and doesn't typically do well amusing herself. Left to her own devices she interprets a lack of constant attention as being ignored.
The latter is what happened. I spoke with Fi tonight and she is still angry about the visit. She feels that extended family ignore her and don't include her. My gut feeling on this is that they include her to the best of their abilities but that they are not disabled and some of her interests are not those of most regularly functioning adults.
We had a fairly good and very long talk about it all. She did admit that she thought she would just fit seamlessly into things going back for visits. Once she had a chance to vent I tried to suggest to her that her cousins and even her sister have had years to develop other interests and just as she has shows and interests that are important to her, so do they. She said she was angry that her sister Crystal does not want a relationship with J. She feels that is unfair. I said that part of being an adult was letting Crystal decide for herself what was right for her at this point in her life. It could change. But it was not up to Fi to be the change agent. She had to focus on her own relationship with J and work on that being a healthy one.
I wish with all my heart that Fiona had a good therapist on board to help with this. I feel vastly underqualified to sail these waters without professional support. However she is on a waiting list for therapy due to her medical insurance and has all ready been on the list for a number of months.