Scare Others

I keep wrestling with the changes I see in our country.  I have a hard time wrapping my head around the incredible unkindness that I see in people's posts.  In the policies they want our elected officials to enact.  In their support of the things that are being done.  This video came through my Facebook feed and I was appalled.  It was a Jimmy Kimmel bit where he brought together Dreamers and people who are totally against DACA. Google it if you haven't seen it.  I couldn't make the link copy properly into my blog and am not sufficiently techie to fool around with it.

Despite meeting a family and seeing their situation (woman who is an employed mother, a nursing student and the fiancee of a military National Guardsman) the vote was overwhelmingly to deport her.  I was stunned, because I think in my heart I always thought if people could put a name and a face to the situation they would think differently. That this would remove the "other-ness" that seems to permit some folks to look at the situation so harshly.  Kind of like when gay marriage was not legal and people would say "those people--but not YOU, YOU are different."  I wasn't different, but I was known.  I was a face that was everyday normal to them and therefore people who knew us well were apparently moved to consider our situation through a different lens.

I'm not sure they would now, because somehow the climate of our country has changed so radically.  I can't even wrap my head around it well to write cogently what I feel in my heart, so bear with me.  The closest thing I can come up with is that we used to operate on the American Dream.  A belief that virtually anything was possible and that it was not harmful to lift up others in their quest for their dream.  We believed  our possibilities, our resources were limitless and available to all and that we could achieve the most by working together for a greater good.

 Now, I best describe our country's mindset as operating from a position of scarcity and "otherness".  Somehow we have become convinced that there are not enough jobs in this country for both immigrants and american citizens to build healthy, meaningful lives.  If we allow immigrants ,we suspect our own jobs will be lost.  If we allow Dreamers a path to citizenship, we foresee negative consequences, a perceived reward being given to a child who had no choice in what happened to them. That perceived leniency is not possible because they are "other."  They are not Americans and therefore their existence is a threat.  I have yet to read an arguement that made sense to me of how and why this was a threat but clearly the perception is that they need to be punished. 

I know some Dreamers in my real life.  They are hard workers and have tried their best to correct a situation that was not of their making.  They want to continue to build their lives here. What truly IS a waste is to send smart, contributing young people away so they can make a living in some other country.  I can't see how that benefits us.

I know some immigrants in my real life.  A lot of them actually because of the work that I do.  They are hard working, contributing members of society.  They do jobs at pays that no one else wants to.  Frankly if they were not there to hire, I am not sure that the jobs would get filled because us real Americans are not all quite as fond of some of those types of jobs. We've got the education and the birth right but not an over whelming desire to pick the fruits in the apple orchards or the lettuce in the fields.  We sure like to eat though so this could become interesting somewhere down the road.

Why don't we think there is enough to go around?  My guess is that our scarcity model is fueled ironically by the excessive consumption that is encouraged by the advertising nowadays.  Ever try to buy a regular sized anything these days?  It's kind of hard because everything is large, supersized,etc.  So we spend more than we need, we want more than we need and we become hard hearted because we are all out to "get ours." 

A sad legacy for our children.

Kwanzaa Night!

In an odd way the goddess apparently felt the need to smack me up side the head and slow me down.  I came down with a stomach bug on Christmas Eve and was sick all that day and all Christmas Day.  I woke today, restored to my normal energetic self.  While I did get up to do the gift opening on Christmas morning, I spent the majority of the day cloistered in my bedroom to try and contain my germs and recover most quickly.  I hate being sick. I have no time or patience for it!  I am especially annoyed that this happened during Christmas!!! I adore the entire celebratory month of December.  While I know I am fully at fault for squishing in every bit of excited fun that I can, I just can't do it any other way.  Some day from the confines of my rocker I will scroll back through a legion of memories of concerts and ballets, parties and gift making, and so so much more.  

Fiona was supposed to be home for Christmas and on Christmas Eve day I got a call from the group home. There had been a very serious incident with Fi; one which may have some longer lasting repercussions due to the level of property damage she engaged in.  Her plan does not permit her to come home within 48 hours of that level of disregulation.  I am not adverse to this.  Fiona has such trouble self regulating and if an incident of this magnitude happened, I feel woefully ill equipped to prevent it or something worse in a simple family dynamic. Yet in an odd cosmic way, things were aligning. You see, I don't have a bedroom for Fi.  I always give her my bedroom and sleep on the floor in one of the kids rooms when she stays over.  This would have been less than enjoyable given how I felt physically.  (usually it does not bother me in the least)  

The family decided to wait the big holiday dinner a day so that I could enjoy it with everyone so tonight we feasted instead of yesterday.  We had a lovely Kwanzaa dinner instead of a Christmas one.  Kwanzaa is a holiday that Rob never really has embraced despite all my efforts to make it part of our family culture.  However the younger kids are really into it.  The picture above is our kwanzaa candle blazing.  The first night of Kwanzaa is Umoji which means unity.  It was a beautiful night to celebrate family unity.  We have fewer family meals these days.  Between my wife's work schedule and my son's work schedule it is rare for us to all sit at table together.  Tonight we were all together, laughing, eating and enjoying the gift that is the greatest of all-family.

Fiona's Thanksgiving

This Thanksgiving Fiona spent the holiday with her first mom J.  She wants to spend Christmas with us.  I am fine with this and had reassured her multiple times that I was more than okay with this.  We talked during the week and i wished her a happy thanksgiving early on Wednesday and asked her to give my love to J and the rest of the family when she saw them.  She said she would. She called me Thursday and we exchanged greetings.  All was well.

Friday morning we were bringing down our Christmas decor and putting away all the harvest decorations when Fiona video chatted me.  I was thrilled to hear from her but certainly not looking my best. I had gone out on Black Friday shopping and got home at 2 a.m. By 7 a.m. I was up and we were in the midst of the holiday home bustle.  I (ahem) had  not even gotten out of my jammies.  My hair looked like the wreck of the hesperus.  But I never refuse to talk.  Fi and I talked and then Rob and Fi, Then Rob and J.  Then J and I.  It was good conversation all round, my bad hair and pj ensemble not withstanding.  I was especially glad for Rob who later when we were talking said that his conversations with J are getting easier.

However, the bloom was off the rose so to speak by today.  I got a video call again from Fiona but this one said that she wanted to go back to her program.  Right then.  Immediately.  I explained that she was a long way away and that immediately was not an option but that I would reach out to the staff and make sure someone was on the way.  I was surprised she was still there as I had said that the visit should not be more than Wed. through Friday evening. (by evening back at her program)  My reasoning for this is that I believe Fi needs help in interpreting and charting her relationship with J as a young adult.  To stay too long would I feared lead to her magical thinking of staying there or trying to recreate fantasies that were not realized in her childhood.  It also is a lot to put on J for her to be there for more than the equivilent of a weekend. Fiona needs a lot of monitoring and doesn't typically do well amusing herself.  Left to her own devices she interprets a lack of constant attention as being ignored.

The latter is what happened.  I spoke with Fi tonight and she is still angry about the visit. She feels that extended family ignore her and don't include her.  My gut feeling on this is that they include her to the best of their abilities but that they are not disabled and some of her interests are not those of most regularly functioning adults.

We had a fairly good and very long talk about it all. She did admit that she thought she would just fit seamlessly into things going back for visits.  Once she had a chance to vent I tried to suggest to her that her cousins and even her sister have had years to develop other interests and just as she has shows and interests that are important to her, so do they.  She said she was angry that her sister Crystal does not want a relationship with J.  She feels that is unfair.  I said that part of being an adult was letting Crystal decide for herself what was right for her at this point in her life. It could change.  But it was not up to Fi to be the change agent. She had to focus on her own relationship with J and work on that being a healthy one.

I wish with all my heart that Fiona had a good therapist on board to help with this.  I feel vastly underqualified to sail these waters without professional support.  However she is on a waiting list for therapy due to her medical insurance and has all ready been on the list for a number of months.

Life Guarding

Things have been going well for Fiona of late.  She has been less violent, and more able to talk through an issue.  Sadly I expect there will be some rough patches in the near future. The house manager is leaving for another position.  This seems to happen regularly with the house managers in this home and I find it frustrating.  I get a working relationship and just as things start to level out--communications are good, mail is properly sent to me, Fiona's needs are being met. . . bang they are on the way out.  There is always a hiatus while they try to find another house manager and this is the worst of all.  People covering the house rarely know the occupants well.  They are often over worked, over tired and uninformed.  For Fi this means there are going to be hurt feelings and outbursts.  Trust me, I have been to this rodeo far too many times.

Yet if I am frustrated, I know my daughter is frightened and angry.  Tonight she called me almost manically happy which is a sure sign that she is going to crash and burn behavior wise.  The house manager called me shortly thereafter and said he had told the ladies today of his impending departure and that Fi was very angry and upset.  I said I knew as she had all ready called and told me he was leaving.  (side note she was not happy he is leaving. She is deflecting this by mentioning his departure and talking about a bunny rabbit she has been trying to acquire for about 6 months.)

I know too that for Fiona  the change in preferred staff underscore the fact that their presence there is a "job."  She is work to them. And while she needs to be there, and while I know in my heart that there are days and times when being with her is so challenging that it is really HARD work, this has to all feel really ugly to her.

Even though I have been through this many times, I don't know anyway that makes this any easier for her.  I always feel like I am trying to help her tread water till the new manager is hired and then I can at least have a sit down and try and get a feel for their style and how to enlist the best assistance possible for Fiona. But for now, back to treading water.

Chet is 31

Today is Chet's birthday.  My eldest is 31 today! We actually are not having his party till Sunday due to various family member work schedules.  However I wanted him to have something festive for supper tonight so here he is in the picture on the left with his home made waffle sundae.  Freshly made waffle, topped with chocolate chip ice cream ,whipped cream caramel sauce (just a drizzle) and fresh blueberries.  He was thrilled and very surprised.

The picture of Chet on the right is him at a party,though which one escapes me.  I love his zany joy and exuberance. But, his autism means he gets overwhelmed with sensory easily.  I think these two pictures show that the most clearly.  His face is so relaxed in todays shot.  Lots of tension and the grimacey smile in the second one.  The shot on the left is precious to me as I can count on one hand the number of pictures I have like that .

But regardless of the pictures, my love for this guy is unchanged.  He is zany, whacky and will sometimes drive me round the bend, but that is all beside the point. He also has a true deep caring for large issues of injustice a desire to help people in the wider world and definately believes in not wasting our planets resources.  Happy Birthday Chet!

Joy

I have been the recipient of the family plague.  Congestion, coughing, chills, lots of fun.  I am on week 2 and despite the note of whining you may detect in the above sentences, I am not deathly ill.  For the most part I have been able to totter  toddle along fairly well.  But the coughing thing is hard and annoying so I did something I almost never do, and asked for a substitute teacher for my RE class.  An hour and 15 minutes of nearly constant talking in a hot dry room would not work particularly well.  And when the parents arrived to hear me hacking like a TB patient in one of those old movies, they would also be likely to be annoyed.

So although today is a "lazy" day for me, the days up till today have not been.  Thursday was Fiona's team meeting for her annual review and planning.  Her worker from DDS was there, as was her house manager, her behavioral specialist, and others who help along the way.  It was by far the best meeting that we have had.  Fiona did an amazing job advocating for herself and articulating things that she would like to achieve.  The DDS worker and I helped Fiona to open up and explain what made her uncomfortable with the experience. This helped us to suggest changes to the process so that she might be able to achieve success.

The DDS worker also makes unannounced visits to the home that Fi lives in.  Apparently this is mandated so that she can make sure all is as it should be.  Unfortunately, partly due to the way the DDS worker presents herself and partly due to Fiona's own lack of understanding, Fiona hates this. She feels that DDS is putting "her business" out for the other peers in the home to be knowing.  Intensely private, this has caused Fi to have a full blown meltdown and numerous late night calls to me when these visits occured.  I brought it up, trying to frame it in a way that did not embarrass Fi, anger DDS etc.  I thankfully succeeded and there was a good explanation to Fi about what is really going on when DDS visits.  A plan was made on a place for Fiona to go and wait for the worker so that she was not sitting with peers and feeling anxious.  Fingers crossed that it works.

After the meeting, Fiona asked if she could take me to lunch and we went to a sub shop together and chatted some more and just relaxed.  It was really great to see her feeling positive about this and feeling like these were goals that she achieved.

Then yesterday, Cousin N came out to do the maintenance session for Lissa's locks. They are coming along beautifully and it was fun to hang out while she did Lissa's hair. Fiona was home for the visit and N brought her daughter C who hung out with KC and Fiona and Rob while Lissa got her hair done.  I cooked a big lunch for everyone and there was also an epic nerf gun battle.

Blending families, understanding where we all come from and what gifts and challenges we bring to relationships takes time.  N and I have a really blooming friendship.  Lissa considers her her "big cousin" and N is deeply touched and considers us family as well.  Just watching everyone interact together and listening to the laughter and sharing the dreams fills me  with joy.

The Tween!

My kids are all so very different and that is one of their greatest gifts.  KC is what he considers a "tween"  At nearly 11 he is aware of being on the cusp of the teen years and excited and scared in equal measures.

This Saturday morning when we went grocery shopping he begged me to buy him some deoderant.  My wife is a bit charry of deoderants--feeling that chemicals smeared so close to the lymph nodes are unwise, particularly in the young.  She points out when we discuss this that because we homeschool he can shower when ever he wants. She is OK with powders like Gold Bond. She just does not like deoderant.

I am not really remembering how I got Rob past that little smelly road block with her.  Somehow I must have because he is a great aficionado of Axe and other similar things.  But I think his passions for those came much later and maybe my wife thought it was cologne initially.

At any rate, there I stood in the market with my son begging for deoderant.  In the interest of compromise I read all the deoderants there until I found one with no antipersperant, no fragrance, no parabens and no aluminum.  I handed it to him and he clutched it happily.  When we got to the checkout our cashier asked if the kids wanted to hold their gum.  I said no it was too early in the morning for gum. (we shop at 7:30 a.m.)  "Oh, but could I please hold my deoderant?" pipes up KC

Sunday was KC's first OWL class for fifth graders.  This is a class that helps address changing bodies and issues of sexuality that our religious denomination offers.  It does not replace my input as a parent but I find that particularly for my boys the value is that they are able to get a male perspective. And they are able to ask questions in the company of their peers which leads to feeling more comfortable with topics that typically are not comfortable.

Except that KC is my guy who will (thankfully!) talk to me about anything.  He literally talked non stop all the way home about what they did in class and why he felt the way he did about the discussion topics.  With Rob, by comparison, OWL cracked open the door so that he would reluctantly talk about these issues with me.  With KC, it was more like a floodgate!  I find myself wondering what it will be like in a few years with Lissa...

Christmas Eve Day

Christmas Eve day.  Fun, chaotic a bit, and inevitably the excitement ramps as the day progresses.  I have tried to keep people busy with lots of different things to keep the time moving for them.  I asked Rob this morning if he had been in touch with any of his first family so we knew how to contact tomorrow.  He said he hadn't but indicated an aunt that he would like to speak with.  I am thrilled as it is the first time he has vocalized that this is important to him.  However he was unable to make himself do the legwork to see how to contact Auntie S.  I wonder if part of him is afraid that he won't be able to reach them if he calls?  At any rate, when I could see he wasn't going to do it (finding lots of things that made him too busy to try) I called his sister Krystal and asked if we could reach her tomorrow..  She said yes, they are going to a number of family members and told me who she would be with.  I asked if she knew how to reach Auntie S and she didn't but is checking with another cousin who might.  Then I relayed all that to Rob who looked happy about it.It also helps Fiona when I can prep her as to who we are able to reach on a phone call.  At any rate, just as I would feel that transporting the kids to visits was my responsibility if I was a foster parent, as an adoptive parent it is my job to facilitate and strengthen first family relationships.  I firmly believe that every time my kids see me take that step for them, they feel safer,and happier.

And now, back to Santa tracker!

Truly Thankful

Not the best shot of us having what was really a wonderful Thanksgiving, but I didn't have a lot of time to spend behind the camera.  This year cousin N and her daughter C were supposed to come for Thanksgiving.  So were my inlaws but they had to bail due to weather concerns.  However cousin N drives a Jeep and said she could make it. Truly the roads were not that bad.  But imagine my surprise when her Jeep pulled in and she had Krystal with her as well as little cousin Z who I don't think I have ever met before.

The only slightly awkward moment was that I didn't have personalized name tags for those extras since I didn't know they were coming.  However we did have extras of the ornaments the kids had made and I placed those at their places.  I had polished extra silver and had plenty of the "best" china so in all other respects we were fine.

It was a big deal to have Krystal come.  I love for Rob and Fiona to have time together with their siblings.  The really odd thing was that KC had said yesterday that he thought Krystal was coming.  I had said no that I thought she was with another cousin but that we would try and call her. Then, bam, there she was.

Krystal noticed that there are pictures of her in our home and it obviously touched her as she took pictures of the pictures with her camera phone. The meal was easy and the conversation flowed readily.  There was laughter and my little kids had 2 other small folk their age to play with when the meal was done.  I am hoarse from talking and laughing so much.

The "weird" picture!

This summer when we went to D's baby shower, we had were able to snap a family picture.  I love this and it is actually my screen saver at the moment on my home computer. Apparently one of the times that KC and Lissa were in the room where I keep our computer they had the following conversation overheard by my wife:

Lissa:  "KC, that is just the weirdest picture."
KC      "I know, right?"
LIssa:  "Everyone but Ooma is black in that picture--even YOU look black, KC!"
KC       cracks up laughing at this point

Ironically, there are a lot of things about this picture that strike me as a parent, other than color differences.  The fact that Lissa looks so much like R who is standing next to her.  R is J's last child and she is raising her and doing a great job.  I am struck by how much Fi looks like her birth Mom.  I remember the relief I felt once I got J comfortable and she wasn't crying any more and remember thinking that this kind of healing may be pretty rare in adoption circles.   For me the snapshot was symbolic of so many years of working on that healing.

I guess I was startled to hear Lissa tell KC that "even he" looked black. I have black friends in whose families the degree of darkness of skin tone is always a topic of discussion.  Kind of like the whole "good hair" thing.  We obviously are not like that, but I guess there is work yet to do.

I did have close friends imply that I must have felt awkward in this picture.  Um, nope. Do I look awkward?  While I'll give you that photos are not my strong point, what jumps at me here is that we are happy. Squished in together happy. And frankly, I think when you adopt transracially, as a parent you need to be willing to step into situations where your kids are the majority and you are not.  There are so many times when it is the reverse. And if it is your family--the family you wanted with every fiber of your being, it isn't a hard thing to do.  At least for me, it wasn't.  And I'll give you that i am a very gregarious, pretty optimistic person. But it still wasn't hard. :-)

Exciting News!

It was just another Friday evening. I was cooking waffles on our giant waffle iron. Fridays are always breakfast for supper here and rotate between french toast, quiche or other egg dishes, pancakes and waffles.  Waffles are the most beloved of the options and of course the most labor intensive.  Probably explains why I did not hear the phone ring or notice Rob go out to take the call on his cell.  Next thing I knew he was standing there asking if Dee and Krystal, his bio sibs could come out tomorrow for a visit.  OMG! Of course, I answered and now we are trying to coordinate train schedules and pickups. Fiona is here for the day tomorrow and this is so fantastic for all of them.

I have always been the one pushing the first family connections and i know at times, people have wondered why.  Rob seems real settled.  Yup, he is.  Rob seems really happy. Yup, that too. Those two facts don't negate the fact that he has family beyond us, that he had a whole life  before us. He doesn't seem to ask about them, maybe he doesn't care.  Really???? Don't think so.  I agree, that my quiet guy has never been the initiator. But I always felt that I had to be. So that he could see that he could have contact whenever he wanted, on whatever terms he wanted. So that he would know I am not threatened, angry or disappointed when he gets together with them.

I suppose it helps that I genuinely love both these young people. But even if I didn't, I would want this contact.  They are part of the family, mine by the adoption of Fi and Rob, theirs by birth.  We are stronger for the connections we make in life, and I am excited that we will all get to deepen these tomorrow.

Hello Autism!

It has been a wild day.  Rob was needing to be at church early as the Youth Group were doing the service. So we had to leave our city by 8:30 to be there for 9:00 a.m.  No worries, I got the tribe up, breakfasted and out the door.  I did notice that Chet declined his customary donut from Dunkins but I figured it was because we left significantly earlier than usual.

We got to church and I engaged the youngers in a game of Yahtzee to pass the time.  Chet began opening windows in the sanctuary, saying it was stuffy in there.  I checked with someone else (because I am pretty much always cold) and they agreed, so we left the fresh breezes coming in.

Service began. I sit up front with KC and Lissa. Rob sat with the youth group. Chet always sits in the back in a specific chair that is most comfortable for him.  Part way through the service I am suddenly summoned out of the sanctuary.  Chet had felt dizzy, gone to the bathroom, been ill and then wound up on the floor. When I arrived he was in the lounge, seated. He admitted to me that he had a headache.

The challenge of Chet's autism is that he is perpetually out of touch with his body.  Most of the time he does not notice pain till it reaches a level of crisis and has rendered him nauseous.  There are also other times when a paper cut will cause him to be in paroxyisms of pain but for the most part, it is the former scenario that plays out here.  The down side of this is that if the headache has reached that state there is nothing that I can do. I can't give him any med as he can not hold it down.

So there I am at church, with Rob scheduled to play on the piano and the littles in their classes and Chet, on the couch in the lounge.  I reassured the folks at church that this scenario is not frequent, but not uncommon either.  Chet is a man of extremes. Feeling slightly dizzy will cause him to lay down on the ground spread eagled.  This is not a sign we need to call 911. (smile)

I sat with him till service was over and then walked him to our car, rounded up everyone else and beat feat home.  As expected, he fell asleep in his bed and woke 1 1/2 hours later refreshed and ready to eat.  I hate that his autism blocks his ability to reach out for help when it could solve something.  I am grateful for friends at church who handled this all with considerable kindness and grace.

Meeting G

Last night G was supposed to arrive about 4ish.  She texted me that she was running late--still at the house where Fiona lives. Would it be all right to come between 5:30 and 6:00 p.m?  I said sure.  6:30 and still no G.  She finally rolled in about 7:30 p.m apologizing for being late. She was caught up in details at the home and time got away from her.  No worries, I finished popping KC into bed while she made a call to break a dinner plan and then we sat down with tea to talk.

She is a woman who is passionate about what she does, and I think very very wise.  I've had some concern's about Fiona's new home and not surprisingly, G does too.  The administration at the home have been unwilling to share much data with me because I do not have the hard copy of the guardianship award to show them.  I have emails from the legal staff but this was not enough for them. They have refused to share med schedules and their daily plans for Fiona. They have stalled on sharing her approved contacts list.  The list goes on.

I explained this to G and she I think must have set them straight today as suddenly my in box was FLOODED with communications from the staff.  Suddenly they are eager to set up a February meeting, they are still going to work on the risk management team meeting, they had papers for me to sign and med schedules to review.

G and I are both concerned by how dull Fiona's day seems when we look at what is going on there.  When we toured, Fi and I were told that she would have a structured day program outside of the home.  That has not happened. There may be a good reason,but substituting movies and puzzles is not a reasonable or healthy therepeutic option.

I am equally concerned by diet.  Fiona is pre-diabetic and diabetes runs in her family.  She has successfully controlled this with eating healthy choices.  The home seems unaware of how to offer healthy choices.  Lots of take out Chinese and pb and fluff sandwiches. . . "because the ladies like them."

G really wanted a feel for who Fiona is as a person. I showed her pictures and some of her art work and said how much I hope that we can find a way to foster that creative spirit within her.  It is something she loves and something she is good at.There almost isn't an art form that would interest her.

I know she wants a job and I shared that with G.  It seems that there should be some type of mentoring for a job at least explored.  There are things I am convinced she could do for a short period of time (2 to 3 hrs) daily.

Basically G gave me the go ahead to be the squeaky wheel.  She suggested that I find out who her Rogers monitor is, who her rep payee is (G is quite certain it should not be the agency that runs the home) and get a current list of upcoming doctor appointments.  Even if I can not attend all of them, attending a few here and there will help me stay very much in the loop and not hear things through the lens of how the home staff want me to view things.  She also very much understood what I was saying when I explained how the home wants to eliminate contact with staff from the Great School and why this was not a healthy model for Fiona. She agreed that it was a very old behavioral model and not one we need to follow. She and I both are in agreement that former staff have very much taken on the role of close friends and quasi family in Fiona's mind.  She has had enough ripped away from her. We need to show her that people do not disappear.

G could see the pictures of all the kids on our walls, all their art mounted around the house. It was clear that Fiona was central to our lives.  She will only be on the case for about 6 months and then it will transition to a person in a local office in my city.  But in these transition months I am going to learn all I can from her so that I can make sure Fiona gets the level of care she needs and the best possible life she can live.  G left my home at just before 10 p.m.  I have struck gold and found someone with the dedication and expertise of Jane to help down this next new bit of road I walk.

Introducing G--the newest member of Team Fiona!

Last night when I got home from dance with the littles, Rob had a phone message for me.  G. from DDS had called and would like me to call back.  I tried her this a.m. from work and left a voice mail.  I tried right before lunch and left another voice mail.  I knew that this was about Fiona but did not know details.

G. finally connected with me in the early afternoon. She is a really nice person. She is from the city which originally had Fiona's DCF case and will eventually transition Fi to someone up here. But as the originating city, her office will help insure that all the proper services are in place.  How totally cool!

G. needed some help as the person who was originally going to handle this is out on medical leave.  She needed easy stuff, like the phone number for the home where Fi lives and the contact numbers and names of the director and such.  I have a "Fiona" file on my computer email so I had all of that and more.

She commented on how helpful this was, and I said that because I was Fiona's guardian I wanted to make sure I had all my facts so that she would always get the kind of care and supports that she needs.  It turned out G. did not know that I was the guardian.  I said I was but that I did not have the legal document showing it yet.  However I did have the name, phone number and address of the legal folks that took care of this in the faraway city.  She will call them as they are geographically close to her and is thinking she can supply me with this document next week.

Normally I would not be that fixated on a piece of paper, but it seems to be very crucial to me getting information from the folks at Fiona's new residence.  I emailed them asking about the day services that I was told she was going to receive.  I was told that when I send them the guardianship paper that they will tell me.  This may be some weird HIPPA reg, but I sort of think she isn't getting the services.  (since she told me she sits around all day watching movies.)  I know she needs this for her mental health.  So getting the paper sooner rather than later will help.  G. will also help find out details about services when I shared that I was unsure what level of supports she was receiving.

G hopes to be in our area on Wednesday. She has a number of appointments for other clients and wants to meet with Fiona at her home in the afternoon.  She offered to come by my house and meet with me afterwards.  I could not believe the graciousness of such an offer.  I look forward to meeting with her next week.  And tomorrow, Fi is here for the day.  We hope to go shopping, plan her guardianship celebration, make snowflakes out of paper, watch a movie and hang out.

What to Say?

For probably the first time ever, Jane put me in what felt like the hot seat when Fiona and I were talking on Tuesday night.  She wanted me to give Fi suggestions of what she could say to her mom when they have their first phone call.  They have been writing back and forth for a while now.  Fiona has struggled with the fact that her first mom has another child that she is apparently successfully raising.

I am glad she is having the contact. She needs it and anyone who has looked at my blog before knows that I support first family contact whenever it is possible to safely have it.  But I was petrified when Jane said that to me!  What to suggest?  What if I suggest the wrong thing?  Does not having something to suggest imply to Fiona that I don't support the contact?

I tried mentally putting myself in Fiona's shoes--what would I say if I suddenly had contact with my dad.  He left the state I live in more than 25 years ago and never said goodbye.  He still has contact with my sister and sees her yearly. So part of me does understand feeling abandoned, feeling "less than" and wondering why things happened as they did.

I just don't know how to help Fiona phrase things and I suspect that my baggage (I literally could not picture myself saying anything nice, helpful or healing to my dad) was totally in my way.  So I bought myself a little time.  I said that it was a good conversation for us to have and that Saturday when she is out, we should talk about that. One of my  go to parenting strategies is buying myself time when I need it!

I am thinking it is best to start by asking Fiona what she wants to say and building off of that. If she has no idea, I am planning to suggest that she share some of the things we have done lately and the placement plan, explaining to her if needed that J will be glad to hear what she is planning for her adulthood. I am glad the rest of our Saturday together has easy stuff like making some decorations and going pumpkin picking!

Fiona in 2 yrs

Fiona called last night.  When I picked up the phone she asked if she could just talk with me.  Her voice was quiet, quivering.  I said sure and it was like a flood gate opened.  She cried and cried and through the sobs, told me that she is afraid of what will happen in two years when she graduates from the Great School. That she doesn't want to move to a group home because she doesn't want to have to meet all new people again. . . that staff don't understand this and keep talking about it. . . that all she wants to do is come home. . . that she doesn't  understand why she can't come home. . . maybe I didn't want her. . .

It all pretty much made me want to cry too.  I told her I loved her very very much and that we were working toward overnight visits.  I told her this would always be her home.  I did manage to work into the conversation that although Chet still lives at home that this isn't really his choice. I have not been able to find services for his type of disability and he is not able to live on his own. If you asked Chet, he would tell you that living at home as a young adult is far from his first choice. The conversation then veered a little bit to the fact that most kids don't live at home forever. they do come back home often but usually have their own place.

Fiona had a tough re-entry after the last home visit.  Problems occured on the trip back to school which Jane handled well, but were an issue none the less.  More problems occured during the next several days. Fiona also had a visit from a first family member the following weekend and told Jane that she felt back to back visits from family  were overwhelming and more than she can handle. And she opted out of phoning the Tuesday after the phone call.  All of  which of course, as Jane pointed out to me in a followup email, is part of the problem with Fiona thinking she could live here full time.  The immediacy of family life, the intimacy of things, eventually becomes overwhelming to her.  And her reactions to that are pretty extreme and frequently unsafe.

During the phone call we also made a plan for Fi to talk with her DCF worker (who is new) and to express her desire to live with us.  (I realize that for the adults this means "near" and for Fiona it means physically in my home but we have to handle things one step at a time)  The changing of her case from the extreme other end of our state to our location is key to any of this happening.  We are hoping that Fiona self advocating for this will make a difference.

I also spoke with K  last night about becoming Fiona's legal guardians.  If this will not lose her any services--because she really needs a lot of mental health services that my insurance would not cover--I really want to do this. I have been thinking about it for a long time and it is one thing for Fiona and I to call each other family, and mom and daughter. But without a more official standing, I don't have a lot of clout in advocating for her. I have been so blessed with my relationship with the Great School in the City and with Jane, but truthfully no other relationship with her placements has ever been like this.   I can't just blissfully go on believing that whereever she goes post- Great School that the same type of easy constant access will prevail.

K is far less passionate about this--her relationship with Fiona is less intense. Partly because I think Fiona really scared her badly during the times she raged here and partly because K's work schedule has limited a lot of the visits that I have had. That has made it harder for her to see the strides Fiona has made and for healing of her old scars to happen.  But she is open to the idea, and realistically it could just be me that is the legal guardian  if need be.  I am going to run the idea by Jane after vacation and see what she thinks.

Real Mothers and the Adoption Controversy

There have been some excellent posts written lately about the subject of "real" mothers.  You know, that question that adoptive parents sometimes get from clue less strangers when you least expect it.  (i.e. you are tired, your child is ill, you are stressed, etc)  "Oh, excuse me, are you his/her real mother?"  In the world of first parents, we are not.  And it took a long time for me to come to terms with this. I suspect I am a slow learner.  But I can only come to a situation from my own experience and this is not as a first parent.

I used to be really angry when I was asked this.  Maybe part of me felt my abilities as a parent were being questioned in the early days.  Later I just got angry because frankly, if I am in ER because my daughter had a traumatic injury caused by jumping off ourcouch, I do not expect to be asked such a question or the follow-up winner of insensitivity--"Oh by the way, where did you get her?"  Really?  You went to med school and managed to come out with that?  (for those who care, I wrote a letter to the editor of our newspaper regarding that tidbit of insensitivity.)

But I am rambling.  Nowadays, this does not bother me.  Because my answer is that I am one of their real mothers.  I am not their first mother.  I did not experience that miracle of birth.  But for a myriad of private reasons, none of my children would not have been safe and would not have thrived in their first families.  For their sakes, I wish that was different.  But cycles of addiction and abuse and the toll of mental illness take a long time to break.  But I also don't believe we risk children while on the altar of family preservation. They are too precious and too easily harmed.  Harmed in ways we see and ways that are harder to know.  So in  a nutshell I think my kids are safer in our home.  Are they happier?  Not necessarily. This does not mean they are unhappy, but I know that being here, even being loved with every fiber of my being, does not negate the loss that is the yin to adoptions yang.

In one of my favorite books, The Velveteen Rabbit a stuffed rabbit became real when he was loved.  I became a real mother through loving.  That's real enough for me.

Birthday Prep

K's birthday is the 9th.  I had told the kids that tonight we would be going to the party supply store to get decorating stuff.  We had talked at length about what to get her.  And we had decided--at least I THOUGHT we had decided on a gift certificate for yoga classes.  She loves yoga and counts on doing it every Wednesday.  Except that KC had other plans.  He announced on our way to the party supply store  that we had to stop at the craft store for what he needed.He was going to make khis mom a treasure box becuase everyone should have one of those.  Um, OK we go to the craft store.  Does he want a little box to paint and decorate?  Nope.  My laddie has his eyes on a box that one could probably put a loaf of bread in. LOL  I feel a tad desperate looking at the size.  He wants to paint the thing and then decorate it with stick on embellishments.  Did I say her birthday is the 9th?  And that this is the um, 7th? 

I try to guide KC to some smaller boxes.  He is having none of it.  Truly having no part of it.  Finally he turns to me and says, "Ooma this is my gift and it should be my decision to make."  When did my 7 year old get so wise?  .  I stood there, feeling really stupid.  Then I bought the bread box treasure box, and tonight he painted the dang thing.  We agreed that instead of story time tonight, he would use that time to get it painted so that tomorrow he can do the decorating.  It's going to be gorgeous!

Health Care and Medical Judgements

I was actually going to write a much fluffier post about my kids and parties, but I have had health care on my mind a lot these past few days.  That is fairly unusual for me.  I don't go to the doctor.  I am lucky that my children rarely need more than a well visit to our family doctor.  I am blessed and I know that.It has also meant that I have not really had a lot of times in my life where I  have had to think about what insurance will and will not pay for.

 I wrote a while ago about Elisabeth being tested for her speech issue and how she was diagnosed as being eligible for at least 12 sessions of speech therapy.  We received an appointment for Monday and thought we were all set.  Wrong!  Our HMO denied the request, saying that her speech issue was not severe enough to warrent the therapy.  We are appealing, but these things take time.  In this instance, it isn't life or death.  In fact, as a tax payer, I can look to my public schools for speech therapy services.  I am entitled to them even though we h ome school.  We also received some flash cards from the clinician who did the testing and we can use those at home.  But it angers me that someone who does not know my daughter has the power to say she is not entitled to this care.

It angers me even more that my mother had to wait several weeks to even have a cardiac appointment scheduled because of issues surrounding her health care.

And it makes me insane, utterly and completely a raging babbling idiot that there are children who are denied important medical care because of cognitive delays.  I thought our society was past thinking that a dx of MR meant someone was less than human, but apparently not.  You can read the story that made me crazy here

\Cost/benefit analysis vs a human life. Compassion vs clinical judgements. I can't imagine being in the position of my child being denied a life saving treatment.  Apparently I don't have to "imagine it."  It happens.

Catching Up!

My week at work was amazingly hectic.  I worked 7:30 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. every day.  I usually work 8 to 4.  Since I never take lunch it was flat out busy to say the least.  My co-worker is in sunny Florida for two weeks and our new manager does not start till the 17th so for most of the week I was doing alone what 3 people usually do.  At one point I had a call on the land line and a work call on my cell at the same time and it was totally surreal--seemed like a bad movie or something.  On the plus side, the days sure flew by.  And I got a ton of stuff done, though not nearly as much as I needed to, naturally.

The down side was I was home with the kids much less than usual and we all missed that.  We made up for it today with lots of fun together doing our usual Saturday things and ending our day with "dinner and a movie."  In our case, veggie burgers and fries while watching Mr. Poppers Penguins!  It was a great movie for all of us to enjoy.  Even Chet came down and shared in the fun with us. KC is going to be just like I was though--he gets very angry when  a movie deviates from what he read in a book.  He liked the movie but was really annoyed about the changes.

Tomorrow we have all day together too as my wife has her runaway day.  She was feeling her own levels of stress heighten from being alone with the kids more so she has Sunday all to herself.  And Monday night I have purchased her a spa treatment at a small local establishment. So hopefully that will keep her sane in the coming week which promises to be more of the same.

I also got a great email from Amazing Jane. It was a forwarded thread of conversation that Jane has had with Fiona's social worker regarding first family contact and future placement when at age 22 she ages out of the Great School in the City.  Jane has been very active and supportive of first family contact and has tried to facilitate a lot of positive things.  Unfortunately they often fall through because the family do not understand the need to keep their commitments to Fiona.  At this point the way things stand, the social worker is in agreement that should there be no significant change in the first family involvement and reliability she will advocate for Fiona to be placed in an adult setting as close as possible to us. 

I feel glad and sad about this.  Glad for us and the relationship that I have with my daughter. Sad because it is once again more proof that for whatever reason, a wide variety of people are not able to be there for someone who needs them.  The first family is huge--not like me who has only one sister and a couple of cousins.  There are legions of people and most of them live in the same general area.  I don't know their circumstances and I really really try not to judge.  But I know that as much as Fiona loves us, our constancy and presence also has the effect of reminding her that her blood  kin can't be counted on. That they say they will come and don't.  That they disappear without notice and without sharing why.  I know how this hurts her and I grieve for that.  But, that being said, at least if she can be nearer, she can be here on holidays, she can come for dinner she can hang out with us when we do our goofy family things.  It isn't all that she wants but it is love and support that she does value.