One thing about life in the time of Covid-19 is that I have a lot more time to write. That is a good thing I guess as it gives me time to examine my thoughts more fully and well, people can read or not. The scroll on by feature of the internet saves anyone who finds this dull!
About 4 months ago I got a call from Fiona's DMH worker. Because Fiona's case was finally being transferred to our area where she has lived for many years now, this somehow also triggered re-doing her guardianship. I remain confused by that as the guardianship paperwork all said it was permanent and we always treated it as such, but I also felt it was not fair to argue. The reason was the worker had asked Fiona if she wanted me to continue being her guardian or not. Fiona said she would rather that her cousin N become her guardian.
Back story is that in the perfect storm of relationships, Fi had earlier in that week asked me for money she did not have to buy a brand new iphone. I had explained she could save for it and I would help her work out a plan but that we could not just go buy a phone. She had then asked if I could give her money for her birthday and Christmas early so that she could go buy the phone. I had explained that we celebrate on the day and not before and that even if I did that she would still be short of funds significantly. She had hung up in a huff. Conversations like that are not uncommon as she has a hard time grasping costs and savings. Usually this results in another call a couple days later when she is calmer and we are able to work out a plan. Except that this time before that happened, the DMH worker talked to Fi.
I have nothing against Fiona's cousin. She is a lovely person and in the past 5 years has become consistantly present for Fiona in ways that her other first family appear not to be. She is the person who helped me loc Lissa's hair and is a person I like and respect greatly. I did not feel that I could in all honesty fight against her for guardianship.She is competant and would have Fiona's best interests at heart. It also goes against everything I beleive in to try and shut out first family members by fighting this. I explained this to the DMH worker who initially asked if I would consider co-guardianship. I said I would not, because I know that there was a strong risk of two problems developing. The first would be Fiona's natural desire to play us off against each other. You know how kids don't like parent A's answer so they go to Parent B? I can so see this happening and neither N or I live closely or can communicate easily and quickly enough to prevent confusion from arising. Secondly, I just deep down believe in the rights of first families. And I believe that Fiona has a right to choose. I told the worker that regardless of my legal standing, Fiona was my daughter in my heart and I would still be in relationship with her and did not see that changing. Worker said she did not expect my response and was grateful. I guess lots of people fight in these situations. I wrote a long text to N explaining my response to the DMH worker and we had a good conversation regarding things.
What I did not count on was Fiona. I knew she would be afraid to tell me, so I called her. I explained in detail to Fi that I had been informed of her wishes and that I respected them. I said I would still always view her as my daughter. That I had before I became her guardian and I still would feel that way afterwards. I said I would always love her and always be there for her the way I am for all my kids. It was a decent conversation but what I did not grasp was that deep down Fiona still has trouble believing that people love her. She has been rejected a lot in her life because her choices and behaviors make being in relationship with her hard sometimes.
As the paperwork and legal wheels ground forward on the guardianship change she became increasingly distant. I had a hard time connecting with her. She cancelled visits, she called infrequently. She sometimes did not return my calls or texts. When the guardianship change was finalized she ceased communication all together.
I kept trying to reach out to her. I sent bitmoji pictures (which she loves) I left messages at the group home. I tried everything I could think of. Then I sent a final text saying I did not want to make her feel pressured and that she needed to know that I was always here when she wanted to talk. That she would always be my daughter and part of the family.
A bunch of weeks went by with no contact. I felt so down about this that I could not even write about it. I tried many times, thinking it would be cathartic. But it just made me feel like I was writing a post that should be titled Parenting Fail-Loser Alert. I don't want our relationship to be a failure. Fi's been my daughter of my heart since she was 9 and she is now 27 That is a lot of years of love, and laughter, tears and worry.
Yesterday afternoon, she called. She said she was sorry. That she loved me. That she wanted a relationship with me, and with the kids. It was a good conversation. She seemed able to hear me saying that I loved her and that I wanted to always be there for her. She wanted to talk to KC and wish him happy birthday. I hope it was the beginning of finding the road that walks her back to us. I hope that she will feel that it is safe to love and hear me when I say that I am not leaving her.
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