The Post I've needed to write

One thing about life in the time of Covid-19 is that I have a lot more time to write.  That is a good thing I guess as it gives me time to examine my thoughts more fully and well, people can read or not.  The scroll on by feature of the internet saves anyone who finds this dull!

About 4 months ago I got a call from Fiona's DMH worker.  Because Fiona's case was finally being transferred to our area where she has lived for many years now, this somehow also triggered re-doing her guardianship.  I remain confused by that as the guardianship paperwork all said it was permanent and we always treated it as such, but I also felt it was not fair to argue.  The reason was the worker had asked Fiona if she wanted me to continue being her guardian or not.  Fiona said she would rather that her cousin N become her guardian.

Back story is that in the perfect storm of relationships, Fi had earlier in that week asked me for money she did not have to buy a brand new iphone.  I had explained she could save for it and I would help her work out a plan but that we could not just go buy a phone.  She had then asked if I could give her money for her birthday and Christmas early so that she could go buy the phone. I had explained that we celebrate on the day and not before and that even if I did that she would still be short of funds significantly.  She had hung up in a huff.  Conversations like that are not uncommon as she has a hard time grasping costs and savings.  Usually this results in another call a couple days later when she is calmer and we are able to work out a plan.  Except that this time before that happened, the DMH worker talked to Fi.

I have nothing against Fiona's cousin. She is a lovely person and in the past 5 years has become consistantly present for Fiona in ways that her other first family appear not to be.  She is the person who helped me loc Lissa's hair and is a person I like and respect greatly.  I did not feel that I could in all honesty fight against her for guardianship.She is competant and would have Fiona's best interests at heart. It also goes against everything I beleive in to try and shut out first family members by fighting this.   I explained this to the DMH worker who initially asked if I would consider co-guardianship.  I said I would not, because I know that there was a strong risk of two problems developing. The first would be Fiona's natural desire to play us off against each other.  You know how kids don't like parent A's answer so they go to Parent B?  I can so see this happening and neither N or I live closely or can communicate easily and quickly enough to prevent confusion from arising.  Secondly, I just deep down believe in the rights of first families.  And I believe that Fiona has a right to choose.  I told the worker that regardless of my legal standing, Fiona was my daughter in my heart and I would still be in relationship with her and did not see that changing. Worker said she did not expect my response and was grateful.  I guess lots of people fight in these situations. I wrote a long text to N explaining my response to the DMH worker and we had a good conversation regarding things.

What I did not count on was Fiona. I knew she would be afraid to tell me, so I called her.  I explained in detail to Fi that I had been informed of her wishes and that I respected them. I said I would still always view her as my daughter. That I had before I became her guardian and I still would feel that way afterwards.  I said I would always love her and always be there for her the way I am for all my kids.  It was a decent conversation but what I did not grasp was that deep down Fiona  still has trouble believing that people love her.  She has been rejected a lot in her life because her choices and behaviors make being in relationship with her hard sometimes. 

As the paperwork and legal wheels ground forward on the guardianship change she became increasingly distant. I had a hard time connecting with her. She cancelled visits, she called infrequently. She sometimes did not return my calls or texts.  When the guardianship change was finalized she ceased communication all together. 

I kept trying to reach out to her.  I sent bitmoji pictures (which she loves) I left messages at the group home. I tried everything I could think of.  Then I sent a final text saying I did not want to make her feel pressured and that she needed to know that I was always here when she wanted to talk. That she would always be my daughter and part of the family.

A bunch of weeks went by with no contact.  I felt so down about this that I could not even write about it. I tried many times, thinking it would be cathartic.  But it just made me feel like I was writing a post that should be titled Parenting Fail-Loser Alert.  I don't want our relationship to be a failure. Fi's been my daughter of my heart since she was 9 and she is now 27  That is a lot of years of love, and laughter, tears and worry.

Yesterday afternoon, she called. She said she was sorry.  That she loved me. That she wanted a relationship with me, and with the kids. It was a good conversation. She seemed able to hear me saying that I loved her and that I wanted to always be there for her. She wanted to talk to KC and wish him happy birthday. I hope it was the beginning of finding the road that walks her back to us.  I hope that she will feel that it is safe to love and hear me when I say that I am not leaving her.

Fiona's yearly meeting

Tuesday I attended Fiona's annual ISP meeting at her group home.  It has been harder for she and i to visit the past few months. She works on Saturdays now and Sundays we are typically at church till noon and then KC is back there for youth group about 5ish.  So we have been talking a lot on the phone and keeping in touch that way.  But nothing beats face to face so I got her a coffee and got there early enough that we had time to just chat.  Her cousin had said she was going to attend the meeting as well but did not come after all.  I worried that this disappointment would impact Fiona's ability to participate in her meeting but she carried on with aplomb.

And the meeting went so well.  Fiona struggles often to stay regulated and to express herself in ways that do not involve physical outbursts.  But over the past year she has made steady and consistant progress in this regard. She has also been able to save for several big ticket items--the first saving up over $700 to go and do a wardrobe re-do. The second paying for a new bedroom set on layaway which involved 6 months of steady saving--and also forgoing the more immediate and transient pleasures that she would otherwise use her money for.

She has a job, two shifts a week at a local college doing food service work in the cafeteria.  Best of all, she is more open about sharing what her dreams and goals are, what she does or does not want to do, and does not show a lot of the body signs that  previously signalled severe anxiety.

I know there are likely to be inevitable setbacks but overall, my girl is rocking it!!  I am so very very proud of her.

Executive Director Response

I finally heard back from the executive director of the program that runs Fiona's group home.  He basically said sorry, no bunny and gee I am sorry that other staff misinformed you.  But hey on the positive side, don't worry because you should feel really good about the fact that we are putting steps into place so something like this won't happen again.

Oh yeah, color me ecstatic!  Not!!  I wrote back that I would like details on exactly what those wonderful step are going to be because I have absolutely no confidence in the program and no faith that when I get an answer from someone that I will be able to be confident it is a real answer and not just what they thought Fiona or I wanted to hear at the moment. I await additional response from him and also from the other agencies I have contacted about the way the program handled this.

What they don't seem to realize is that this is far and away about more than a bunny.  It is about the spiral they put my daughter into by breaking faith with her. She didn't just break her TV that she spent 3 months saving for, she also tried to self harm.  This is something that she only does when profoundly disturbed and it has not happened in over 2 years.  The fact that this level of despair was caused by and agency that is supposed to have her well being in the forefront of their decision making very much angers me.

I have no expectation that I can change the decision. However I can be a person who holds them accountable for the mishandling and that is what I intend to do.

Bunny Blues

There has been another round of huge staffing changes at the home where Fiona lives.  It also goes higher up the food change with a clinician change and some new faces in upper management.  I can't speak to whether any of this is good or not. Frankly I liked our last direct care team very much and the 15 months or so that we worked together were some of the healthiest ever for Fiona.  I felt they got her, not just her needs, but who she is as a person, beyond and above all the cognitive and behavioral stuff.  The inside part that so often struggles to be seen and validated.

However I see huge storm clouds on the horizon.  This team contacted me last October about Fiona having a pet.  This was something she asked for and they went up the chain and got approval for.  I was not the driving force in this.  While I know that pets are therepeutic, while i know that Fi adores animals and is good with them, I have had deep concerns over the plan.

Loving pets does not translate into having the ability to provide regular and appropriate care.  However my opinon was not solicited and a plan was put into place.  Fiona has been working the plan which included a certain decreased level in holds, a certain level of cleanliness in her room and other goals.  It has been a long road but she has met these requirements and thought that this Christmas she would be able to buy her bunny.  (part of the goals were also financial and budgeting for the pet care and the supplies the pet would need.

A couple days ago Fiona called me and said she was worried that staff were backing away from the plan to get her the bunny.  I said I didn't think that was the case but that i would contact the team.  I did and my daughter is correct.  The new team point person said "gee it is not our practice to permit pets for a variety of reasons yada yada yada."  We are meeting next Friday as i have the day off to discuss this and develop a plan.  There will be no good resolution to this if they are recanting.

My daughter has had too many instances where people have broken faith with her.  This is going to be another and she will hate every single member of this team forever.  Or at least till they all ride off into the sunset and the next crew come on board.

To complicate things, we just let Lissa get a small dog.  If Fiona can't realize her dream of pet ownership it is also going to create a difficult dynamic here to negotiate.

What the new team does not know is that I have saved every single email to me and from me regarding the pet issue.  Actually I save every email with this agency period. And if I have a phone call, i send a follow up email saying "this is my understanding etc etc. and asking for their confirmation."  I don't know that this will help her get the pet but it will help me if I have to take this up a notch concerning the way they are handling my daughter's care.

Circling Fiona with love

I read often about adoption.  It is my duty to do so. To be vigilant and to remember that my joy--the children I love beyond measure--carry a pain that I can not heal.  I believe that adoption is something that means I welcomed more than my children to my home and heart.  I welcomed their first families, their extended families and they too should and did become people I love.

Some we see often. Some we text or communicate via social media.  Some I am closer to than others.  Most especially I have worked very hard to build ties of love and friendship with Mom J, my Rob and Fiona's natural mother.  I have never known for sure how she felt about me.  She always says how grateful she is for the life I have helped the kids to build.  But I don't want gratitude and I don't know if those are words that she thinks she needs to say to me. I hope not.  I have tried to show that she has much to give the kids and that relationships can be healed and recalibrated at any point in life.

And I think she took it to heart.  Today Fiona was at J's for a day visit.  The group home drive her to and from J's house which is a long way away from us.  While I was doing piece work tonight J called me. She said Fiona was trying to get a hold of me and that the worker who was driving her was ill and they didn't know what to do.   I called the group home and got ahold of assistance and when Fiona called me I explained to her what was going to happen and reassured her.  She had for the most part remained very calm, although the reason that she had not been able to contact me is that she was trying to video chat me via Facebook and I was not on line.

I was able to get back in touch with J after all this had happened and  reassure her as well.  I am grateful that tonight we were able to enfold Fiona in a circle of love and safety as she handled a stressful situation.  It is the very best of family building.

Joy

I have been the recipient of the family plague.  Congestion, coughing, chills, lots of fun.  I am on week 2 and despite the note of whining you may detect in the above sentences, I am not deathly ill.  For the most part I have been able to totter  toddle along fairly well.  But the coughing thing is hard and annoying so I did something I almost never do, and asked for a substitute teacher for my RE class.  An hour and 15 minutes of nearly constant talking in a hot dry room would not work particularly well.  And when the parents arrived to hear me hacking like a TB patient in one of those old movies, they would also be likely to be annoyed.

So although today is a "lazy" day for me, the days up till today have not been.  Thursday was Fiona's team meeting for her annual review and planning.  Her worker from DDS was there, as was her house manager, her behavioral specialist, and others who help along the way.  It was by far the best meeting that we have had.  Fiona did an amazing job advocating for herself and articulating things that she would like to achieve.  The DDS worker and I helped Fiona to open up and explain what made her uncomfortable with the experience. This helped us to suggest changes to the process so that she might be able to achieve success.

The DDS worker also makes unannounced visits to the home that Fi lives in.  Apparently this is mandated so that she can make sure all is as it should be.  Unfortunately, partly due to the way the DDS worker presents herself and partly due to Fiona's own lack of understanding, Fiona hates this. She feels that DDS is putting "her business" out for the other peers in the home to be knowing.  Intensely private, this has caused Fi to have a full blown meltdown and numerous late night calls to me when these visits occured.  I brought it up, trying to frame it in a way that did not embarrass Fi, anger DDS etc.  I thankfully succeeded and there was a good explanation to Fi about what is really going on when DDS visits.  A plan was made on a place for Fiona to go and wait for the worker so that she was not sitting with peers and feeling anxious.  Fingers crossed that it works.

After the meeting, Fiona asked if she could take me to lunch and we went to a sub shop together and chatted some more and just relaxed.  It was really great to see her feeling positive about this and feeling like these were goals that she achieved.

Then yesterday, Cousin N came out to do the maintenance session for Lissa's locks. They are coming along beautifully and it was fun to hang out while she did Lissa's hair. Fiona was home for the visit and N brought her daughter C who hung out with KC and Fiona and Rob while Lissa got her hair done.  I cooked a big lunch for everyone and there was also an epic nerf gun battle.

Blending families, understanding where we all come from and what gifts and challenges we bring to relationships takes time.  N and I have a really blooming friendship.  Lissa considers her her "big cousin" and N is deeply touched and considers us family as well.  Just watching everyone interact together and listening to the laughter and sharing the dreams fills me  with joy.

More Fiona problems

I opened my email this evening to discover that the agency which runs the home where Fiona lives, had a "brilliant" idea. (please understand that word is meant to be read with dripping sarcasm.  Due to the altercations that she had with another woman in the home, they were suggesting that Fi be moved to a new home that is being constructed in the western part of our state. This would happen sometime next month.

I am not amused. First off, I only found out about this through the DDS person who they contacted. They did not contact me, as the guardian which I find grossly inappropriate.

Secondly, moving my daughter does not preclude future physical altercations. I wish that were the case, but I know it is not.  And anyone with half a brain who has read her history should be able to figure that out.

Thirdly, we are her support network. I can not visit her often if she is over an hour away from us.  She is 15 minutes away now and home often.  Also her home visits can be shorter, of an afternoon for instance, or going out to dinner and then getting brought back to the group home. This is of benefit to her in a multiple of ways.  When the intimacy of family life feels too intense, it is easy to disengage and go back to the group home.  Also, at another level, I feel that it models the kind of visiting that you do as an adult.

Moving her out an hour or more away additionally puts her even further away from first family members who try to keep in touch with her and who on occasion gather at our home to be with her.

I have written a strong email stating that if this agency wants to move her an hour away that I am very opposed and that I would rather look to a new agency to provide housing and services for Fiona.  I think, but am not sure, that DDS is going to be supportive.  We shall see.

Will Fiona's dental work get done??

At Amazing Jane's farewell party a couple weeks ago, I thought back on how long we had known each other.  She came into our lives in 2010 when Fiona first was placed in the Great School in the Big City.  At her retirement party it was revealed that she worked over 15 years at the Great School.

That is pretty amazing for most jobs nowadays, even more so for this type of job which has a high burn out rate.  I can see the difference in the revolving staff at the group home where my daughter now lives.  She has been there just over 2 years.  I have dealt with untold staff, 4 directors, and  2 clinicians,   It is sadly a not atypical situation for a field where people deal with a great deal of stress and are woefully underpaid.  The result is that people like my daughter, who need consistancy and stability, are all too often in the midst of change.

That is happening right now.  In fact, there is no house director at the moment and my contact is a gentleman who is a regional director and oversees a number of the group homes.  This is far from ideal.  I know they are in the process of hiring someone.  Meanwhile, Fiona has yet to have her final wisdom tooth out.  It is a bottom one and it is bothering her.

However she was extremely agitated the day of the appointment and refused to go.  The next day she went to the appointment but the dentist told her if she wanted she could be knocked out for the procedure. She wanted that but the consents I had signed were not for that so she had to come home without the work done again. I am unclear as to why she was even asked this as my daughter is not legally competent to make these decisions.

I was sent the scans last night.  I am calling the drs office today to clarify. I am worried about the anesthesia as the dentist we saw initially said she could not have this due to her airway being very small. He said that she would be difficult to intubate should there be a medical crisis.  Secondly the consent is for both the upper and lower tooth.  Fiona only wants the bottom tooth out and this is all it was supposed to be. The upper has not moved and is not causing discomfort.  I worry that she will be in too much pain if both come out on the same side. She had bad experiences with the previous two extractions and the worst one was the upper.  Her roots effected her sinuses. She is in allergy season at the moment. I don't want to borrow more discomfort and emotional disregulation here!

The Fabulous Forever Family Party

While the group home experience made last weekend very stressful, the party that Fi and I planned to celebrate the guardianship was a great success.  There were 11 of us, family, Fi's friends from the Great School and Amazing Jane.  Jane had only gotten back from vacation the day before but had agreed to not only come but to bring some of the friends.

I had made a reservation a week or so in advance and we had 2 waitresses that were assigned to just us.  They were so kind and handled everyone so graciously.  As you may imagine, some of the guests had some cognitive or behavioral challenges (my Chet falls into that mix incidently).  Yet they were kind and calm, handling the occasional odd question or extra wait time for someone to decide if they really wanted dressing on their salad, with aplomb.

Fiona just shone with happiness.  I think as much as the fact that we were cementing "forever family" for her, we were also cementing the promise we made at the start of the transition from the Great School, which was that she would not lose contact with people she had become close to.

She got a heart necklace that K and I made, Jane gave her a picture that I had taken of all the kids together at Christmas, and her friends gave her jewelry.  It was a really bright gem of an experience.  I will remember how she was smiling always.

Speaking of memories, we have not been to Olive Garden since KC was 2.  Yet when Fi chose that restaurant he recounted a memory of how they used a giant grinder to put the cheese on his pasta.  He was correct, but I was floored that he would remember that from such a young age.  This is not really a random little aside.  What it made me stop and think about was how many memories remembered or shadowy that Fiona still deals with, most of hers made intense from situations of trauma.  I am glad that at least for that moment, there was a happy memory that outshone the others.

Behavior Plans and Niagara Falls

This is a hard post to write, because in no way do I want anyone to take away a negative impression of my wife.  In fact, I have the utmost respect for her as a person and as a parent. Everyone has limits and I understand that.  She has stretched and grown so much during this parenting journey, a journey in large part started by me, because I always wanted kids. Lots of kids.  She would have been happy for us to remain a couple. She loves our children, but craves more solitude and silence than will ever be possible till the kids are grown!

Last week I received Fiona's proposed behavior plan from her new program.  I am very unhappy with it.  There were attempts to make her visits with family contingent on behavior goals. There is a plan to try and have her have 12 months with no instances of talking back or swearing etc with more than one re-direction from staff.  (ex:  Fiona gets mad and swears, staff suggests calming activity, Fiona accepts all is good.)  Except that this is not feasable or logical. And her participation in the wider community is also potentially held hostage by a need to achieve this and other significantly challenging behavioral changes. There is a transport edict  where she must ride in the very last row of the van because in 2006 there was an incident where she did something unsafe.  2006 and nothing since.

I believe in helping everyone work to their best potential. But I also believe in achievable goals. Making a plan to reduce the behaviors would be great--but not to start with 100 per cent success! Not recognizing the work she has done in the past 7 years is also unfair.  For this and a myriad of other reasons I have refused to sign off on the plan in its present incarnation and there is a meeting in early February to discuss it. I have red inked it and sent it back so that the whole team know my concerns and so that we can work together on a healthy and amicable plan.

When I shared the above example with my wife she was furious on Fiona's behalf. She pointed out that she herself has a Viking temper and could not guarantee that SHE  and fully functioning non disabled individual could agree to respond to a calming activity if she was really upset. She was angry because she knows there are things she (my wife) has changed about herself since 2006 and that she would be upset should they go unrecognized.

I said that it was nice to know she was in my corner on this as I knew that she didn't feel the same level of commitment to Fiona that I do.  It is sort of the elephant in the room in our relationship. When Fiona had to be removed from our home, my wife was so upset, so scared, that she took a giant step back emotionally and never really stepped forward again.  The doctors determined Fi could not live with us, agencies made contact difficult.  In many ways it was easy for her to step back.

I wasn't personally scared when Fiona's incident happened here  and that probably played a big role. I was scared for the kids, but not myself.  I am tall, and a second degree black belt.  But for the other kids emotional well being, yes, I was scared.

I am also an incurable optimist.  I believed then and I believe now, that by being there with and for Fi as much as the powers that be and as much as Fiona herself would allow, that some level of healing would happen. At the very least, she would see that everyone does not walk away. When the opportunity to be her guardian came, I immediately said yes, though I knew that K would not be thrilled.

I also believed that if I just kept on trying that eventually my wife would come round.  I told K that I  call it the "water eroding granite" theory.  It is essentially the same tactic that I used to help my inlaws see that I was after all a pretty nice person. I just kept constantly being nice, ignoring negatives and years later, we really all do love each other.

K laughed when we were talking and said it is not just water eroding granite.  That I am in her words, "f*ing niagara falls eroding granite."  But she is okay with it. And she has come to see Fiona in a different light.  The fact that the group home seems to judge Fiona based on very old issues that are not really relevant to her present behaviors has helped K to see that she was doing the same thing emotionally. There really is a nugget of good in all things.

Fiona's Update

More snow and it is FINALLY (caps for KC's verbal emphasis) snowman snow.  Every year we take a picture of the snowman and its makers.  Here's this years. LOL

Had a call from Fiona last night. She was crying and unhappy.  Her side is that residents don't want to include her or ignore her.  I got an email from the house this a.m. which said she was instigating and tried several times to elope from the home several times over the weekend.  They did approve my request for a weekend visit, (Friday night through Saturday evening) but wanted me to agree to "reinforce that this was contingent up on her following program rules."  Um. No.

Family is not a hostage for the program. We are not a bargaining chip.   I wrote that I was more than willing to support the team by reminding her of hte importance of following house rules. But that we had travelled this road with other institutions and when family is used in this manner it did not work well.  It did not improve her behavior and it made her feel that we just did not want to see her.

I also wrote that it was my hope that coming home and feeling connected would make it easier for her to cope with the constraints of the home she is living in.  Her world at present is much smaller than what she was used to, with only 5 other residents. If those 5 are not her friend at the moment, there is no where else to turn for company.  I also reiterated my position that she needs to have some type of activity within the community and not be bound to the house for such extended periods of time.  I suspect  the home is not lovin me right now.

Meeting G

Last night G was supposed to arrive about 4ish.  She texted me that she was running late--still at the house where Fiona lives. Would it be all right to come between 5:30 and 6:00 p.m?  I said sure.  6:30 and still no G.  She finally rolled in about 7:30 p.m apologizing for being late. She was caught up in details at the home and time got away from her.  No worries, I finished popping KC into bed while she made a call to break a dinner plan and then we sat down with tea to talk.

She is a woman who is passionate about what she does, and I think very very wise.  I've had some concern's about Fiona's new home and not surprisingly, G does too.  The administration at the home have been unwilling to share much data with me because I do not have the hard copy of the guardianship award to show them.  I have emails from the legal staff but this was not enough for them. They have refused to share med schedules and their daily plans for Fiona. They have stalled on sharing her approved contacts list.  The list goes on.

I explained this to G and she I think must have set them straight today as suddenly my in box was FLOODED with communications from the staff.  Suddenly they are eager to set up a February meeting, they are still going to work on the risk management team meeting, they had papers for me to sign and med schedules to review.

G and I are both concerned by how dull Fiona's day seems when we look at what is going on there.  When we toured, Fi and I were told that she would have a structured day program outside of the home.  That has not happened. There may be a good reason,but substituting movies and puzzles is not a reasonable or healthy therepeutic option.

I am equally concerned by diet.  Fiona is pre-diabetic and diabetes runs in her family.  She has successfully controlled this with eating healthy choices.  The home seems unaware of how to offer healthy choices.  Lots of take out Chinese and pb and fluff sandwiches. . . "because the ladies like them."

G really wanted a feel for who Fiona is as a person. I showed her pictures and some of her art work and said how much I hope that we can find a way to foster that creative spirit within her.  It is something she loves and something she is good at.There almost isn't an art form that would interest her.

I know she wants a job and I shared that with G.  It seems that there should be some type of mentoring for a job at least explored.  There are things I am convinced she could do for a short period of time (2 to 3 hrs) daily.

Basically G gave me the go ahead to be the squeaky wheel.  She suggested that I find out who her Rogers monitor is, who her rep payee is (G is quite certain it should not be the agency that runs the home) and get a current list of upcoming doctor appointments.  Even if I can not attend all of them, attending a few here and there will help me stay very much in the loop and not hear things through the lens of how the home staff want me to view things.  She also very much understood what I was saying when I explained how the home wants to eliminate contact with staff from the Great School and why this was not a healthy model for Fiona. She agreed that it was a very old behavioral model and not one we need to follow. She and I both are in agreement that former staff have very much taken on the role of close friends and quasi family in Fiona's mind.  She has had enough ripped away from her. We need to show her that people do not disappear.

G could see the pictures of all the kids on our walls, all their art mounted around the house. It was clear that Fiona was central to our lives.  She will only be on the case for about 6 months and then it will transition to a person in a local office in my city.  But in these transition months I am going to learn all I can from her so that I can make sure Fiona gets the level of care she needs and the best possible life she can live.  G left my home at just before 10 p.m.  I have struck gold and found someone with the dedication and expertise of Jane to help down this next new bit of road I walk.

Christmas celebrations

Christmas was amazing!  The littles and I slept on a giant air mattress in Lissa's room.  They feel that they have to have a slumber party with me on Christmas Eve.  I started this when they were teeny tiny as it gave me a way of making sure they could not hear "the elves" putting packages under the tree.  My bedroom is farther from that general area.  However, with Fiona spending the night, she was in my room. So we did this in Lissa's room and had just as much fun.  All the kids have tiny trees in their room and hers is blue and awfully pretty.

The littles woke at 4:45 on Christmas morning, but I kept them in bed whispering with me till 6:10 a.m.  (another reason we have the "slumber party."  My wife would be singularly unamused by a 4:45 a.m. wake up!  Then at 6:10 we all got up and did the stockings.  Stockings are very fun in our house.  There is very little edible and very little that is pricey but things are sort of quirky and unique.  For instance, tiny little telescopes for playing pirate.  Wooden tops. small collectable figurines.  My wife found many of these items at a cool toy store on sale when she was doing holiday fairs with my Mom in November.

After stockings, we adjourned for breakfast.  Long ago, in a smaller family dynamic, I just put yogurt on the table and oj and tea.  Nowadays, it is more like a breakfast feast.  There is yogurt, fresh fruit, oj and coffee and tea. There were eggs, veggie bacon, sauteed mushrooms and grits.  And cinnamon buns.  It is mandatory that I make cinnamon buns.  I made two pans of them from scratch.  By 11:00 a.m. when the grandparents arrived, there were enough for them to have with coffee and tea and that was it.  They were all gone!

After fueling up, and starting the dishwasher, we went in and opened presents.  My wife and I do our stockings and gifts Christmas night so it was just the kids. That way we could take pictures and just enjoy it.  Most especially I enjoyed the fact that Fiona was with us and having such a good time.  She really really enjoyed everything.  She also had really been very thoughtful in the gifts she got people.  KC got one of those fuzzy hats that have long scarfy things hanging down with built in mittens.  He had wanted one when we were together at a fair this fall and I said no because the vendor was pricing them crazy high.  Fi remembered and made sure he had one at Christmas.  She got K and I a beautiful candle holder.  Really stunning and destined to be the centerpiece at solstice dinner next year.  She got Lissa a darling sweater vest with a leopard collar.  Lissa is wearing it today and you can tell she knows she looks fine!   Likewise, the kids had been equally thoughtful in choosing Fiona's gifts and she was sincerely excited about them.

By 8:30 we were cleaning up the detritus of opening and there was time to get dressed and relax and try out some toys.  At 11 the grandparents arrived and another round of gifting ensued.  I was proud of the kids as some of their gifts from them were not tangible--gifts that help others via heifer project.  They were just as excited about having rabbits bought in their honor as if they got a toy.  Cool!

More cleanup, visiting and eventually a big dinner.  Not a fancy dinner, but a filling one.  Big trays of pasta, a huge green salad, sparkling cider for kids, wine for grown folks, and cheese cake, Fiona's birthday cake, cookies,pie  or poached pears for dessert.

Fiona could not believe she was having a birthday party as well.  She was gracious and calm throughout and seemed again to like all our choices.  At the 11th hour I found out that her new residence will not allow her to have her cell phone. Chet had bought her a cover for that and I thought the gift now rendered inappropriate and potentially painful. So we swapped it out for an extra gift that I had really bought for an aunt.  Easy enough to replace that one later and Fiona was none the wiser.

By 2:30 my mom and G were back on the road and the kids and i hung out and played the rest of the day.  Sometimes they used KC's new microphone and either did stand up comedy (which was dubiously funny but mostly funny in that they THOUGHT it was funny) or Fiona would sing along to some of her new CD's.  They played new wii games and tried out KC's marker maker.

We also got to talk with Krystal and wish her merry Christmas.  She was en route to a movie so she did not talk too long but Christmas night she asked Rob to call her back and they talked much longer.  I am glad that connection is strengthening. Rob and Krystal were very close as young kids and when she moved down south it was a huge blow to him.

At 5, staff came to take Fiona back to her new home.  I hope she settled in well. I will call tomorrow to see. I think maybe calling tonight might be too much too soon. Not for Fiona, but for the staff who are not the easiest folks in the world to deal with.  I don't want to do anything that rocks the boat while I await the final guardianship stuff going through.

Fiona's guardianship just took a jump forward

This week I got a citation in the mail regarding my petition to become Fiona's guardianship.  The citation gives anyone who wants to object to the petition until the 31st of December to notify the court of their feelings.  Fiona's mom and Fiona have also received a citation. I have worried a lot about that.  How receiving that citation would feel to Mom J.  How it would hurt and what she would feel that she should do regarding it.

Late last night, Amazing Jane forwarded me an email she had received from Fiona's mom.  It made me cry.  She wrote to Fi that she heard she was doing well and she was glad. She said she wanted to apologize for all the mistakes that she had made and all the bad choices many years ago. That she had been suffering from depression and didn't know where to turn for help, but that now she did, and was doing better.

She went on to say that she had heard that I was a very good person and would be a good guardian for Fiona.  Fi wants to call her mom with me when she moves out here and I am fine with that.  One of the things I was told by a different therapist years ago, was that if Fiona's mom could give her permission to love others, that her healing could really move forward.  For a variety of unbloggable reasons, we were not able to connect with Mom J and try to initiate this.  Jane has helped facilitate this and I am forever and ever grateful to her.  She also has supported me as I have worked to help Fi and Rob's first families see that I want them in all our lives.  There was a real rift caused by the agency that removed the children from the birth family. While the removal most definately was in their best interest at the time, the way the family was treated afterwards was punitive, belittling and flat out made a lot of them hate me.  Though I did not do those things, I was sort of an emblem of what had happened. I was white. I was, by their terms affluent.  Surely I saw them through the same lens.  It took a lot of work to help them see that I am my own person, and most importantly, that I love these kids.  And I love their families. Fiona and i both share a very similar vision of knitting together her "two families."  I see it as a big circle around the kids, Fi I think has a different mental image but the end result is very similar.

In many ways, this is the best present all of us could receive this Christmas.

Guardianship for Fiona

A  comment on my blog asked if I had considered becoming Fiona's legal guardian.  This is very much a possibility if things go well.  In Fiona's case, she is supposed to be able to remain at the Great School till age 22 so we have 2 more years before there will be a transition.  The main fly in the ointment is that the DCF who still oversee her case did not want to transfer oversight up here. We are significantly away distance wise and I feel to be as present as I want to be and as I should be in Fiona's life, we need to be geographically closer.

Recently DCF has begun to make noises that they would reconsider this edict which would allow us to look into DMR and DMH services in my area and group homes etc that are much closer to us.  Jane is very supportive of this and so was Fi's last social worker--who went out on maternity leave 2 weeks ago and now we have to explain all this to the new worker.

I don't live with uncertainty particularly well.  The ambiguity of all this drives me round the bend.  When I get stressed about this though, I remind myself that my daughter has lived with this her whole life.  With other people calling the shots, with moves she has had no input in and control over, with general uncertainty.  So I will keep trying my best and hope for the best and support Fiona in whatever way I can.

Fiona and Rob

Fiona's school called a little while ago.  My heart jumped to my throat when the woman on the phone said who she was and where she was calling from.  All I could think of was that something was wrong.  What happened to Pollyanna? Aren't I supposed to be the one who thinks bright side first?   We've been sort of riding the dysregulation train with Fi lately and she was only recently discharged from the hospital.  Thankfully it wasn't anything horrible at all.  Fi has instead been doing spectacularly well since she got back to school.  She has earned an off campus shopping trip by remianing at one of the higher levels for a certain number of days.The problem is that she doesn't have money available for an off campus shopping trip and we all know that Fiona needs a pretty quick reward when she has been doing well. The school wanted to know if it would be okay to use a gift card that I I had given her for Christmas for the trip. H*ll yes!  I am totally fine with using the money in whatever way is best for Fi.  But it was aweseome to be asked!

In other news, Rob has had a really busy weekened.  Friday evening through Saturday afternoon he was at our UU church at a youth "con"  There were a lot of other UU youth there and he had an awesome time.  He also did not sleep all night!  He went to bed last night at 8:30 and at 7:30 this morning was still out.  You have no idea how rare that is!  Then this a.m. he was an usher at church and had his volunteer gig at an ecology center.  His night wraps up with the youth group helping our youth group make supper and play with kids that will be in a church homeless shelter.  A sister church has the space to be part of a group of churches that can offer accommodations to a number of families for 2 weeks each  year.  They do a great job, fixing rooms to look as much like real bedrooms as possible.  The sad reality is that the vast majority of participants are families.  And not necessarily single moms or dads, but often 2 parent families with two or more kids, who have been battered by the financial storms our country has faced. Our youth group does not just cook for the shelter participants. They eat with them and do crafts with the kids, giving a gift of friendship and caring that is as important as the bed they will sleep in.

As he enters his teen years, Rob has a self assurance and self awareness  that I wish Fiona had.  I know that a big part of her dx involves some mental health stuff that may have still existed if she had a more stable early childhood. But I can't help but wonder if she had been in our home by age 5 the way Rob was, if things could have been different for her.  The abuse, the stress, the multiple moves, the lost stuff, the reports not filed, my daughter has baggage so heavy I don't think I could carry it--let alone a young woman most recently labeled  as a victim of undocumented traumatic brain injury.

Fiona post visit

Jane called tonight as Fiona opted out of her phone call.  I am noticing (bit slow on the uptake but I did notice!) that this seems to be a pattern after we visit.  I wonder if it is so painful saying goodbye that she can't face talking on the phone right afterwards?  Jane said she did pretty well after we left.  She had a therapy session scheduled and spent the first part of it doing lots of loud, chaotic drumming in the expressive arts studio, but was able to gradually move from that to playing the marimbas and then to playing the maraccas with the therapist.  She didn't try to harm herself or others, she didn't destroy property, so it was all good to both Jane and I.

Jane is frustrated that Cousin N has floated out of the picture again with no explanation or contact. She is not returning calls and no one knows if something horrible is going on in her life.  Fiona is always impacted negatively by this, and it is so hard to decide if the positives of first family contact outweigh the fall out when this seems to inevitably happen.  I realize that I am a bit over the top about consistancy but I know too that my daughter needs constant proof that we are not going anywhere.

Jane seems to feel that it is reasonable for us to work toward unsupervised visits which is HUGE to me.  I explained to Jane that I have felt terrified of angering a social worker and losing the contact we did have.  Jane said I was not to worry and that she felt that the powers that be would be more than supportive.  I explained that when Fiona was moved far from us and I was begging for her to be closer for visiting to continue that I was told by the social worker then that this was a dollars and cents move and I had no legal rights and had to basically put up and shut up.  Jane did not know that part of the story, it was years before Fi wound up at the Great School in the City. 

But hopefully after the holidays (which historically are trauma trigger days for Fiona) we can get some concrete plans to work on this.  And now. . . back to the regularly scheduled Thanksgiving preparations.

Giving Thanks in the Big City

Today we went to the Big City to spend Thanksgiving a couple days early with my daughter Fiona.  She was so surprised to see us.  Even with a mouthful of food, doesn't she look lovely?  (please excuse doting mom comment!)  She was so surprised to see us and so, so happy!  In the past, being surprised would have meant that she couldn't hold her behavior together.  Much like my Chet, the more she wants a situation, the less able she has been to handle it.  Today, she shone.  We had dinner together--though us vegetarians had to stock up on the sides.  We were introduced around to her friends and peers.  I met her new social worker, Ms. S.  Always good to know the players.  She seems pleasant and hopefully saw how much we love each other and will be supportive should I need her assistance.

After dinner, Fiona really wanted us to play basketball. She wanted Rob to have a shoot out contest with another student.  While I am sure Rob would have enjoyed that, the gym did not have basketball hoops up at the moment. We would have to play that outdoors. Which was not on my list of things to do as it was chilly and with the littles getting over the various cruds that have beseiged our home it was not a plan.  Again, deferring something she had in her mind would never have flown in the past.  This time, though she was clearly disappointed, she was able to accept that we couldn't do it now, but we could do it at some point in the future.  Huge huge progress.  Instead, we played our version of volley ball in the gym. They had a net up and we used a light playground ball. The only rule was you could not kick the ball, anything else pretty much was okay. LOL  We started playing and it was a blast.  Gradually, her peers and classmates came in and began to join in until by the time we were done there were probably 12 kids plus us playing.  Kids swapped sides periodically, but there was no fighting or problem of any kind.  Ms. S. the social worker just stood in the background taking it in.  I gave everyone a 10 minute warning and a 5 minute warning and then at 1:30 I called a time out so that we could say goodbye to Fiona. Lots of hugs and smiles and we left her continuing the game with her friends.  For me, it doesn't get better than that!

Planning Yule Gifts

I started shopping the other night.  Fingers tapping across the keyboard; totally my way to shop.  I have to finish the littles tonight and then Fiona is up next.  Two calls ago she asked me if I would buy her a laptop.  I always have a tough time with the logic and intelligent part of my brain vs the parental love connection in these instances. 

I am not sure I can write this sensibly.  If you have not lived this dynamic it may seem pretty cut and dried, and truly it is not.  I know that my daughter has serious behavioral issues that likely mean that she would trash a lap top in a rage in short order.  I know that without adequate supervision she probably can not even navigate a laptop successfully and get it to do what she wants it to do. I have bought her untold numbers of personal stereos, boom boxes, ipods and mp3 players over the year. I don't think any of them have lasted more than a couple of months.

If it was one of my kids who live here at home, it would be a no brainer.  I would say they were not ready for the thing they were asking for and that would be that.  But Fi is different.  She is not with me day in and day out.  The way she feels loved is through looking at her possessions.  Through being able to say to a peer or a staff member: "My family gave me this." she feels loved and feels important.  She looks to tangible possessions as proof of love and of  the constancy of our presence in her life.  And I get that.  If I had the kind of life that my daughter has had, I think I would feel exactly the same way.  There is also a level of parental guilt that I feel over Fiona.  Part of me will always feel that I did not do enough, try hard enough or whatever with her.  All the professional evals detailing the scope of my daughter's challenges are not enough to diminish that kernel of inadequacy that I always feel about her.

So the next thing I knew, the kids were in bed and I was cruising the internet looking for refurbished laptops.  Which i found pretty reasonably.  It would still be an expensive gift, but I could juggle things and make it happen.  I did, in a moment of clarity, email Amazing Jane and tell her what I had found and ask her opinion and this week she called me.

She said that the situation is more complex and laid it out for me. The social worker is a good one and has not dropped the ball. Fiona has a chance to have a laptop. The problem is that the school has safety rules that preclude any student tapping into their internet network. Students are also prohibited from using social network sites because of a myriad of issues that make sense to me at one level and none at another. But it is what it is. So in reality, if Fiona wanted to download music or print a picture, she could not do it on her laptop. She would have to put it on a flash drive, go to staff and they would have to do this on the school server.  Jane said the school has been reluctant to have this conversation with Fi because it will be hard. She will be angry and have behavioral issues and this time of year is notoriously difficult for her anyway.  They are sort of being ostriches and putting their heads in the sand and hoping that she will forget about it.

And she might.  This week when she called, she had her clothing sizes and wants clothes for Yule.  Clothes I can do. And we share a love of fashion and a strong addiction passion for shoes and boots so this will be a lot of fun.  I hope that when she looks at them she can feel how much I love her.

I hate watching kids bounce

We are going to hopefully be visiting Fiona in a couple of weeks.  Jane said when she and I talked that Fi had expressed a desire to have all the family that she is presently connected with at the visit and Jane wondered about inviting cousin N and her daughter.  I am totally fine with that but after we hung up I remmebered that cousin N. now had custody of their brother D.  I emailed Jane that should we  not consider inviting D as well so that 3 of the siblings could be together.  I know that D has not wanted to do the letter writing and so there is not an official visit plan but figured in a large-ish group visit it should be okay.

Except that Jane wrote back and was not adverse to it if I thought it was beneficial but D is not living with cousin N any more because things did not work out.  He is in a new foster family and she is not sure that his sw will cooperate in time to orchestrate a visit.

Sigh.  I am not judging cousin N.  The placement not working out at her home may have had nothing to do with her (though the uncharitable part of me keeps pointing out that she adopted Krystal and then in months had shipped her down south to live with other relatives and where she remains.) But at 17 all the bouncing and lack of permanancy can not be good for this young man.

I have only met him a few times but enjoyed both the experiences.  I can't wrap my mind around what he has gone through.  First the removal from his mom and separation from his siblings.  Adoption by a paternal relative with whom he lived for a number of years.  Something going really wrong in the home that was not his doing that caused his removal.  Living with a foster family that he clearly loved but who could not keep him.  Moving to a residential.  Moving to his cousins.  Moving again.

I doubt very much that he will be part of the visit in a couple weeks and probably emotionally is not in a place to consider it.  But my heart aches for D.