Saturday and a whine, sort of

Today actually went pretty well. It was our first Saturday with our new "school year" schedule which incorporates KC's dance class into our clipboard of Saturday fun. K works on Saturdays so I have the whole gang with me as we besiege the dance studio and surrounding environs during our errands. We set off at a bit before 9 and did the banking before getting to the dance school. I was impressed that KC was not nervous. He is the only boy in the class. He doesn't care. He didn't know anyone. He didn't care. There was a little girl the same age as him who wouldn't stay in the class because her sister was not there that week. She and her sister have been coming for several years. When I think back to the years of carrying KC around in the rebozo because he didn't want to be put down, to the years where he sat beside me in church because he despised the nursery and being apart--the fact that he has sprouted wings and flys with such confidence in his world delights me beyond words.

After the class which is a combo with 30 minutes of ballet and 30 of tap, we went to the library. This was the first time I have taken the kids to the library and not had Lissa in a stroller. She did pretty well and most of hte books were still on the shelves when we left! LOL Lest one think it odd that I restrained my daughter in that manner, we do not stay strictly in the childrens room when we go. We also get a weeks worth of books for Chet who can't handle the library since they made a fancy schmancy addition a few years ago.

From there we went food shopping and then over to visit K who was at work and is sick as a dog. Home to unload everything and got lunch for the horde. Got Lissa into bed for her nap and trimmed the hedge which is a chore I will not do with small children present. Sharp tools, impulsive children, not a good mix. After that, did a lot of house work which is my normal Saturday afternoon. Made a vegetable soup, and also pumpkin cookies with penuche frosting for dessert.

And stewed. I am annoyed, and a good part of the annoyance should rightly be placed with myself. I don't really bitch. It isn't my style. I have always kept things very close to the vest and I have also felt that dwelling on the negatives of life was probably not the healthiest outlook one could aspire to. However the dynamic that evolved from that choice is that my mom views me as the smart strong one and my sister as the pretty dippy daughter who is perpetually in need of help. That is why I should be annoyed with myself. I helped create this dynamic and now it has been a part of my life and my persona as perceived by others for so long that I am likely for better or worse, just stuck with it!

I will give you that sis has had some tough things in life. Many which involve choices she made, some also are things which no one would be able to control. Things are somewhat better for her now and I am glad. But I am weary to the bone of getting emails from my mother bemoaning the fact that life is so hard for Sis. That Sis deserves to have life be better because she is being responsible now and therefore things should be in line for her. (that is almost a quote believe it or not!) I do want things to go well for my sister. But she doesn't allow me or perhaps want me? to be a big presence in her life. She floats in and out of our life in odd ways. I will think we are developing a close rapport and then she will cease to email, not be home if I call etc. I confess that my life is busy enough that I can't bang on her emotional door. If she doesn't want to email me back, I probably won't think to email again for a week or two.

My mom also said that gee, sis was so worried about our father. This in turn made mom worry about sis. Apparently dad's present wife (which is I believe marriage number 3 but am not 100 per cent sure) is very ill. Sis feels if wife dies, dad will drink himself to death. I suppose he might but I would also say it is equally likely he will just find another wife. I never really know what to say when my mom or my sister drop information on me about him. My father visits and calls my sister but has not chosen to see me since Chet was 3. So I am not a very big part of his life and even as a child, our relationship was rocky at best. My all time best memories of time spent with my father was when he would take me to R rated drive in movies that my mom didn't want to go see. I sort of liked the movies (and to this day have really B taste in movies!) but I liked being with him there as it was the only time it seemed we never fought.

After supper the kids and I went up to the park to play. We spent a lot of time admiring the colors that are starting to appear in the trees. We have had a lot of wind and a number of lovely maple leaves were on the ground all ready. We sifted sand--for some reason sifting was lots of fun for them tonight--and felt the difference in the texture of the sand after we had sifted out the debris of wood chips and small rocks. We played a positively hilarious game of football and by the time I came home, all the family angst seemed so stupid. I know I have stuff I need to think about, and probably write about with regard to my father. There are a lot of abandonment parallels in our relationship that make me perhaps a better adoptive parent because of his choices. Walking away from relationships happens in so many ways. I am clearly a tangled up ball of string about my sister and my mother. But what I know is that I love my kids. I love my wife. And somehow, the rest will sort itself out.