Em-purpled!

Today we put the color on Elisabeth's walls.  Earlier in the week we primed all the surfaces getting them ready.  As you can tell from the picture her room has very little actual ceiling, the slanted walls nearly make a point over head. There is about 16 inches of level space with a flourescent light and acoustic tiles in between them.  Elisabeth hates the acoustic tiles. She is convinced bugs hide in them.  I am going to cover those with self stick wall paper.  We are replacing the really old, really ugly light fixture with a flat profile LED one that will fit the space the same way as the old flourescent one does. 

All the dingy trim has yet to be painted bright shiny white.  That is this weeks job.  We are also removing the heater in the picure so that her bed can be flush against the wall.  The rug and padding has all been removed and next weekend we will install the flooring if all goes well.  Purple is not my favorite color but the paint job came out well and she is happy with the transformations going on in her space.

Tonight we will have another fire in the fire pit and some adult beverages for those 18+ and marshmallows for all who like that kind of thing.  A nice end to a busy but fulfilling day.

Mothers Day is Reno Day!

The DIY train keeps rolling along here at the 10 Green as my kids used to call our house when they were little.  The bathroom hallway got its coat of paint today now that all the old wallpaper (4 blessed layers of wallpaper!!!) has been removed. The seams have been caulked and the walls mudded and sanded smooth.  The paint is a creamy yellow and will brighten the space greatly.

Elisabeth's room is almost empty and ready for us to prime the walls today.  I had Elisabeth help me rip out the rug and padding and showed her how to remove tack strip.  I have a lot of the staples that used to hold down the padding removed but will need another evening of work to finish that up.  My wife primed the back wall.  This room has only one window so we didn't want to prime all the walls at once because the smell would overwhelm.  While I have no sense of smell a boat load of Kilz is good for a migraine so a slower pace is good for me too.

We stopped work about 12;30 and I picked up our Mothers Day meal from a local restaurant.  It was meat based so I ate sides but I knew my wife would love this meal and she did. The kids had cards and gifts and it was lovely.  I made a pineapple sunshine cake--which is kind of a cheater dessert to me as it uses a cake mix as a base but there was no flour in the store this shopping trip and I only have a 10 pound bag left here at home. (I realize that sounds like a lot of flour but we bake a LOT, especially in pandemic times.) So since there were cake mixes at the store I reverted to this old "recipe" that did not deplete my precious flour stock!

Later that night we went outside and had a fire in our fire pit.  It was chilly out and a perfect night for it.  Lots of chatter and laughter, only Chet would not come because we had no marshmallows.  That made a fire "pointless."  (laughing)  He has promised to come to the next fire when I am able to find marshmallows.  Understanding the realities of pandemic shopping in our area is hard for him.

We also called my mom and wished her happy mothers day.  All in all it was a lovely day and we feel very blessed.

DIY Time!

The slowing of the world and the confinement of the pandemic have an upside in the areas of home improvement.  I have become a major DIY fiend and spend weekends and often week night evenings working on various projects.  This is good as our house has needed attention and I have not had time to devote to it. I am also dragging my beloved into the DIY land!

Today my wife began her part of finishing the ceiling in our workroom. I spent last weekend scraping loose textured swirls off it.  However not all the texture was loose and we decided it would likely damage the horsehair plaster that was underneath to try and get them to part company from the ceiling. So after the loose was all taken off, she went in and caulked around the edge of the ceiling and swirled the ceiling.  Then, it was time to paint it!

I am also taking down wall paper in our upstairs bathroom hallway. When it is down we will mud the walls and paint them a creamy yellow color. By next weekend we should be ready to start work in Elisabeth's room. That is a paint job , new light and a new floor.  We have also built raised beds for veggies and repurposed an old wheelbarrow into a raised bed for herbs.

I am planning out the repairs and renovations that our front porch needs and am going to assign painting our storage shed to our kids once we get a better weather pattern. There may be mulch to spread if the social distancing drags on and no vacation can be taken. 

It is a good use of time. I am learning new skills. And it is honestly, fun! 

Cards of Hope

Today I asked the kids to make cards and/or write letters to my mom. She lives two states away and is greatly feeling the impact of our inability to visit the way we usually do.  She is getting on in years and has some aches and pains that are not unusual for her, but which I think feel magnified in this period of anxious isolation. I write to her by email twice daily and call several times a week but it is not the same.  It is not filling her well with what she needs.

When I got home from work today all the cards had been made and they were all so beautiful. Cheery thoughtful loving messages that I know will help.  KC in particular had written a lovely letter that also gave insight into how he was feeling--always a plus for a mom of a teen!  He said that he thought she was feeling pretty lonely because this was hard on all of us and he felt that way too. But that he was trying to keep busy by staying connected with friends on line. And that he had been enjoying family dinners which he had really been missing. That he enjoyed games and movies with the family and that we would all get through this.  That he could pass on what I have been trying to create and model for them here, gives me hope that they are absorbing this.  I don't want them to be nervous and fretful.  I also don't want them to be reckless with their health or that of others.  But there has to be a middle ground where we live the life we have, the best way we can. Those cards give me hope that will happen.

2020 The year the world was cancelled

Thus far in our state most of what was "normal" has been cancelled.  There will be no dance recitals. No graduations. No proms. No church services. No non essential businesses open. No face to face banking. No proms. No school for the rest of this school year. (this probably impacts us the least as we homeschool) No Scouts. No encampment. No Coming of Age in person for Elisabeth. No work for my wife and my son until goddess knows when.  Probably no camping as the campgrounds we typically use are only allowing RV campers among their many restrictions.

At different times, some or all of us mourn the loss of the normal.  My wife had to drive to a store to do a socially distanced pick up of an order.  The trip did not even involve exiting the car and my daughter begged to go.  Weather hasn't cooperated for much outdoor walking as it has either been rainy, snowing or we have had high winds (high enough for warnings)

However I am resolute about making the best of what we have. /We have each other and are blessedly, very thankfully, healthy thus far. We have good music of many genres to listen to and lift our spirits.  We have humor, books, games and time to enjoy each other more deeply than we usually do.  We have family dinners and enough food to let us linger with enjoyment at the table. We have enough DIY projects in our old house to keep me busy for a loooong time. I have been organizing family game nights, movie nights, and with summer looking very different I am thinking of social distance fun that we can do.  Bike rides, cooking supper over our fire pit to pretend we are camping, finding a drive in movie. (the 2 youngest have never been to one and what is more perfect social distancing than a drive in??) We are hoping to put in a veggie garden- we are checking the amount of light our fairly shady yard gets. (I don't  think the community garden will be open this year) We are keeping a journal of what this time is like. We are being careful with spending because it is so unclear how this will all play out financially.

I try not to worry, but of course it creeps in from time to time.  I find myself worrying for my kids who should be stretching their wings and trying new things and instead are hunkered at home.  I worry that this will be a long term life change and not a blip on the time line.  I have one confirmed case of Covid-19 that I know of in the apartment community where I work.  Due to social distancing and the precautions our staff has taken for a long time I am not worried that I will contract this at work.  But at some level I worry about either my wife or I contracting it because we are over 60 which places us in the lower end of the high risk zone. 

But worry can not and must not consume us.  Life still must be lived because that is the way we cherish our days, and make memories to sustain us.  Tonight we are buying movie popcorn from a local theater and having a family movie night at home.  Be safe everyone! Make memories! Live as fully as you can.

The Day of Celebration

The 17th was KC's 16th birthday and he had a wonderful day.  Despite the challenges of Covid-19 we were able to give him an amazing day.  It started with his favorite breakfast--home made cinnamon buns.  KC is the kind of kid who understands that the fact that I took the day off from work so that I could make them for him is a gift in itself. 

At 11:30 the folks I work with paraded by honking horns, with balloons and posters wishing him a happy birthday.  KC does not know all of those people but he was very shocked and touched that they did this for him. 

At around 1, a close family friend drove by, played Happy Birthday on their car stereo and had a birthday poster for him signed by all the family members. 

At 2, a caravan of more than 11 cars drove by honking and waving.  More posters, more joy.  Many of the cars held friends from dance and youth group.  A number were adults that care deeply about him.  People from church, and his godparents.  Some of these people drove more than 30 minutes to get to our house so that they could do this for him.  That measure of love and caring was not lost on him.

Later that evening we had our family party.  The dining room was decorated with a broadway theme.  Home made decorations that he loved, his favorite meal, and a delicious home made cake. He got some great gifts--money from K and I, his aunt and grandfather and grandmother and from Chet. These funds are to purchase a fancy light and fan combo that he wants for his bedroom.  Rob gave him running shoes and a record player and his first vinyl.  It was definately a day filled with love.  In his thank you note he wrote to us that he had thought it was going to be a depressing day but it was so much more than he could have imagined.

He too, is so much more than any of us could have imagined.  He is such a gift.

The Post I've needed to write

One thing about life in the time of Covid-19 is that I have a lot more time to write.  That is a good thing I guess as it gives me time to examine my thoughts more fully and well, people can read or not.  The scroll on by feature of the internet saves anyone who finds this dull!

About 4 months ago I got a call from Fiona's DMH worker.  Because Fiona's case was finally being transferred to our area where she has lived for many years now, this somehow also triggered re-doing her guardianship.  I remain confused by that as the guardianship paperwork all said it was permanent and we always treated it as such, but I also felt it was not fair to argue.  The reason was the worker had asked Fiona if she wanted me to continue being her guardian or not.  Fiona said she would rather that her cousin N become her guardian.

Back story is that in the perfect storm of relationships, Fi had earlier in that week asked me for money she did not have to buy a brand new iphone.  I had explained she could save for it and I would help her work out a plan but that we could not just go buy a phone.  She had then asked if I could give her money for her birthday and Christmas early so that she could go buy the phone. I had explained that we celebrate on the day and not before and that even if I did that she would still be short of funds significantly.  She had hung up in a huff.  Conversations like that are not uncommon as she has a hard time grasping costs and savings.  Usually this results in another call a couple days later when she is calmer and we are able to work out a plan.  Except that this time before that happened, the DMH worker talked to Fi.

I have nothing against Fiona's cousin. She is a lovely person and in the past 5 years has become consistantly present for Fiona in ways that her other first family appear not to be.  She is the person who helped me loc Lissa's hair and is a person I like and respect greatly.  I did not feel that I could in all honesty fight against her for guardianship.She is competant and would have Fiona's best interests at heart. It also goes against everything I beleive in to try and shut out first family members by fighting this.   I explained this to the DMH worker who initially asked if I would consider co-guardianship.  I said I would not, because I know that there was a strong risk of two problems developing. The first would be Fiona's natural desire to play us off against each other.  You know how kids don't like parent A's answer so they go to Parent B?  I can so see this happening and neither N or I live closely or can communicate easily and quickly enough to prevent confusion from arising.  Secondly, I just deep down believe in the rights of first families.  And I believe that Fiona has a right to choose.  I told the worker that regardless of my legal standing, Fiona was my daughter in my heart and I would still be in relationship with her and did not see that changing. Worker said she did not expect my response and was grateful.  I guess lots of people fight in these situations. I wrote a long text to N explaining my response to the DMH worker and we had a good conversation regarding things.

What I did not count on was Fiona. I knew she would be afraid to tell me, so I called her.  I explained in detail to Fi that I had been informed of her wishes and that I respected them. I said I would still always view her as my daughter. That I had before I became her guardian and I still would feel that way afterwards.  I said I would always love her and always be there for her the way I am for all my kids.  It was a decent conversation but what I did not grasp was that deep down Fiona  still has trouble believing that people love her.  She has been rejected a lot in her life because her choices and behaviors make being in relationship with her hard sometimes. 

As the paperwork and legal wheels ground forward on the guardianship change she became increasingly distant. I had a hard time connecting with her. She cancelled visits, she called infrequently. She sometimes did not return my calls or texts.  When the guardianship change was finalized she ceased communication all together. 

I kept trying to reach out to her.  I sent bitmoji pictures (which she loves) I left messages at the group home. I tried everything I could think of.  Then I sent a final text saying I did not want to make her feel pressured and that she needed to know that I was always here when she wanted to talk. That she would always be my daughter and part of the family.

A bunch of weeks went by with no contact.  I felt so down about this that I could not even write about it. I tried many times, thinking it would be cathartic.  But it just made me feel like I was writing a post that should be titled Parenting Fail-Loser Alert.  I don't want our relationship to be a failure. Fi's been my daughter of my heart since she was 9 and she is now 27  That is a lot of years of love, and laughter, tears and worry.

Yesterday afternoon, she called. She said she was sorry.  That she loved me. That she wanted a relationship with me, and with the kids. It was a good conversation. She seemed able to hear me saying that I loved her and that I wanted to always be there for her. She wanted to talk to KC and wish him happy birthday. I hope it was the beginning of finding the road that walks her back to us.  I hope that she will feel that it is safe to love and hear me when I say that I am not leaving her.