KC is 8 and in my experience this is about the age when my kids adoption stories stop being a beautiful story of how we came to be a family. When kids are little it seems almost fairy tale like to them. They know they had a first mother, but the whole part of us coming together is the part they focus on. Which is good. It shows we love each other and are securely bonded. But it is like seeing "to be continued" after your TV episode finishes. It is not complete because they are not ready, and they will let you know when they are.
KC and Lissa both have closed adoptions. I need to be clear that this was not something either K or I required. I am under the impression from the adoption agency that we used that this was the request of the first mom in both cases. In KC's case, I do have a snapshot of his first mom and this is the very first page in his scrapbook because to me, that is where his story begins.
The other night during his shower he told me he was really feeling sad. I asked why and he said because he did not know his birth mom. He agreed that looking at her picture and reading what I wrote about her (I wrote down any little positive nugget the agency ever shared with me) would help. But what he said he really wants the most is to hear her voice.
First off, I am glad that he could share his pain. I know a lot of adoptive kids are afraid to share this with their adoptive parents. He isn't and that is huge to me. Here is my dilemma. As I said, I was informed that this was a closed adoption. I am really supposed to know nothing of where his mom lived etc. However, the hospital gave me a ton of intake paperwork when he was discharged and they forgot to redact all her personal info from the papers. That means her address as of 2004 and her phone number as of that date are on those papers.
I tried to find her on Facebook but her name is a common one and I have only ever seen one picture of her so there are quite a few possibilities out there. I want to try and make some kind of contact. At the very least I owe that to KC. I also don't want to hurt his first mom and there are some really unbloggable but really sad and frightening circumstances surrounding KC's conception. Here are my choices as I see it:
1. Do nothing--Can't and won't do that.
2. Contact the agency and see if they will try to contact her. I might do this first with a letter to N. who worked with us on why we are doing this. My worry is that reunification of first moms and their children may not (likely isn't) their priority).
3. Write a letter to the address on the hospital paperwork and see if I get a response. I could do this but it feels like I am taking advantage of information I was not legally entitled to and I am having a hard time with that.
Those who read who are either adoptive parents or first mothers, could you weigh in with what you would do, or what you would want done if it was your child searching.