KC's Song

And a Halloween memory I know i don't want to forget. . . This morning I went upstairs to see if KC and Elisabeth had yet awakened. The older boys were all ready downstairs and almost done with breakfast. I heard KC singing, a little song he obviously had made up himself. It was about how today was Halloween day and how happy he was and how tonight he would go trick or treating. I paused at the landing of the stairs, caught in the magical moment my 4 year old was creating. I thought he was perhaps singing this song to his sister, wakening her to share his excitement. But no, seconds later he appeared at the top of the stairs, still rosy with sleep, his "blank" tossed over his shoulder, singing to himself.

It would have been cute if he was singing this to his sister but there was also something special about the fact that he could quietly and happily sing his joy for himself. I think truly happy people don't have to have someone else make the happy for them. It wells up from within themselves and I am so overjoyed that this is the case for KC.

Happy Halloween

OK I am known for celebrating virtually anything, but I really love Halloween. There is something so fun filled about walking around at night. Sometimes it is less about the candy (really--not ALL my kids are candy fanatics!) and seeing the decorations, the stars, how differently things look in darkness. I know today will be busy and kind of crazy schedule wise but we will be having our spooky supper as always. This is an Erikson family tradition. We eat by candle light and the meal reflects the holiday. In years past we had a swamp water punch and merenque bones for instance. This year, for our family culinary pleasure I am offering up a simpler feast as Kirsty is working and i am home alone with the 4 kids. We will dine on worms (pasta and cheese) witches brooms and bones (bread stix that I shape) witches brew (mulled cider punch) and pumpkin cake.

Then it is off to visit KC's former day care provider who likes to see costumes each year and then to Riverside for the halloween party and then out to trick or treat. Some of my best memories as a child are of Halloween which may be why I make it such a big deal in our house. But it is also a night when on a more serious level I remember more intensely those who have gone before. I am lucky enough to be the 4th generation of my family to reside in our home and I feel the spirits of ancestors on this night when the veil is thin.

Fairness

Reading Yondalla's blog about fairness has made me ponder this murky subject even more than usual. Fairness is something I confess to sort of obcessing about. I know life isn't fair. But part of me feels like families should be. That should be the one place where you don't have to feel that you were treated unfairly. Yet in real life, especially with 4 kids, that is a lot harder to put into practice than it sounds. Some facets of it, are not hard. We have a few traditions in our house that help to keep things fun and fair for everyone. Everyone has chores based on their age and ability. For instance, Lissa not yet 2 can and does with help take our napkins to the hamper after supper each night. She can and does put her clothing in the hamper before bath. She can and does pick up toys. And it goes on from there for each of the older kids. Chores based on abilities. Chores are not paid for, though the kids do receive allowances. I don't pay for chores because I subscribe to the philosophy that we are all working together to make our family healthy and happy and since no one pays either Kirsty or I to clean and cook, I shouldn't pay the kiddos for that either. Rather, allowances are an opportunity to have some spending money and to learn about savings.

So chores seem fair and straightforward and I honestly think the kids feel that way too. I think by and large birthdays and Yule feel fair to them also. We have a tradition of family parties for birthdays and they all seem to love helping to make decorations, wrap gifts, and be part of making the day special for the recipient. At Yule each kid has the same number of gifts to open. If it is a "big gift" it is either a family gift for everyone, or the subsequent gifts will be meaningful but have less monetary value.

The murky part of fairness stems more around their differing abilities and I think the person who feels the "un" fairness most is my eldest. Hampered by his Aspergers and his inability to read social situations there are so many things he has not been able to do. Go to away camp for instance. He wasn't really able to hold it together even when we went to a family oriented camp. Too much stimulation,too much variation in routine. Rob went to a camp for a week away this summer and loved it and had a totally positive experience. Chet could not do organized team sports. Again the stimulation, the noise of cheering parents, the fact that things changed unpredictably were not situations he could deal with. He would up climbing into the goalie cage for soccer and hanging from it like Spider Boy and shrieking. Trust me, coaches don't love kids who do that! :-) He could and did succeed at sports that allowed him to progress on his own. Swimming and karate were both achievable for him. But Robbie got to be on Little League this year, again something big brother couldn't experience.

Another issue that comes up is the fact that what is logical behavior to expect from a 2 year old or a 4 year old is not always acceptable for a 23 year old. Thus, I may say to Lissa who is tantrumming "You need to stop and use your inside voice." To Chet I would be more stern and say "You know that I am not going to have a conversation when you are screaming disrespectfully at me."

I notice that I hear the "fairness" complaint most from Chet and it usually centers around the things the other children are doing. It is most often expressed as "How come I never did that?" There is a hurt there, that all my love and all my talking can't erase. The reality is, there are many things that all the other kids will do that Chet will not do. He will not drive a car. He will likely have a hard time finding a mate. He will likely not have a full time job. He understands those realities but I think that he sort of puts them out of his mind much of the time. I know I do as well. Then he sees one of the other kids do something and it sort of smacks him up side the head.

Or I will hear on occasion " Now if I did that, you'd scream at me." The reality is I very rarely raise my voice. My wife, descended of Vikings--that is a different matter. I feel no one hears something if it is yelled. They hear the yelling not the message. But for Chet, the sentence isn't about me yelling. He will even admit if I ask him outright that I wasn't yelling at him. It is what he says when he feels that he has been treated unfairly. I have to say things like "yes, I would tell you to stop that in a way that is age appropriate for you" But I worry for the underlying unfairness that he feels. An unfairness that equal presents can't fix, that all the hugs and explanations can't fix.

Good News!

Yesterday was a good day. Really really good day. Robbie's glaucoma check up was excellent with his ocular pressure just where his doctor wanted it. Huzzah! Additionally, we don't have to return for another check until March and the end part of March at that.

Then my co-worker called and Robbie won the football pool. OK I know some people might feel that one should not encourage a child to gamble. But I figure it is $2.00 a week for 16 weeks. And I use the pool to talk about math things, averages, probability, win/loss ratios etc. It makes something that isn't fun for him more personal and enjoyable. He has participated since last year. He has come close to winning a couple of times but yesterday he got the call that he had won. I should add too that most other participants in the pool are adults so there is the added cachet of knowing you beat out a bunch of grown ups and have money to show for it! What could be better for a 12 year old boy?

In the afternoon I took Chet and Rob to the doctor for their flu shots. (got mine as well.) This too went well. Rob has a bizarre fear of needles but he kept his eye contact with me, didn't fight the experience and it was over before he knew it. Definately earned his ice cream reward.

So couple that with the Halloween tea party and the day was really just nice. I guess that proves it doesn't always take much to make me happy but I went to bed feeling extraordinarily blessed.

Halloween Tea Party

KC considers any day that I am home to be a "play day." LOL Last night he informed me that we were going to have a tea party today. I figured, why not. However he remembered that sometimes Kirsty and Robbie get home from the glaucoma appointments early and was afraid they would arrive before we had a chance to have a tea party. So at 9 a.m. I was informed it was indeed party time!

We took red construction paper and made big yellow full moons out of some sticky paper and then I cut out the letters to the word "boo". KC attached the moons and the letters to each placemat.

I took our sugar cookie dough and KC and Lissa cut out little moon shaped mini cookies. These baked and then we frosted and adorned them with sprinkles. While they cooked I took some old party hats (those cone shaped things) added a wide black brim and voila, instant witch hats. This and ice tea was ceremoniously served to KC and Lissa on his little table and the tea party was declared a huge success. I took pictures that hopefully came out so that Kirsty and Robbie can see what we were up to while they were gone.

Glaucoma

I am home from work today, because Robbie has a glaucoma check up. It is a "long" appointment as they will do visual scans and not just a pressure reading. His pressure was up a bit last time and thus the need for the long appointment. I am back at the ranch with the littles as it is hard to keep them contained in a medical environment for the more than 2 hours that such an appt typically takes. Concern for Rob's eyes is always at the back of our minds. We know little about his family medical history. We know that glaucoma is often genetic and particularly so when it is found in a child. It appears that there is a possibility that his father has some kind of eye problem but this is actually hear-say from the maternal side of the family. His diagnosis was several years ago and we were told by the specialist that it was to our great good fortune that our eye dr picked it up so quickly. He appears to not have lost peripheral vision at this point. I know too that glaucoma is more prevalent in african americans. Managing it is a life long issue. Presently he has eye drops twice daily to help reduce the ocular pressure. Failing to maintain the correct pressure within the eye leads to damage of the optic nerve ultimately narrowing the vision and then at the end leading to blindness. While there are many ways to help control glaucoma, there is no cure. Also the management tools often need to change through out the lifetime. For instance, we are presently on his second type of eye drops, the first was initially effective for a year or so and then the pressure rose again.

I hate being home while the testing is done. It means I rarely get to speak to the treating physician. I have met her; I do trust her. But I am also a control freak and would like to be there! On the other hand, I also hate city driving and Kirsty is much better at handling the early morning commuter traffic so she is much the better person to be in charge of this facet of our family life.

It is also always a delicate balancing act dealing with the glaucoma and Rob. I don't want him to live in constant fear of blindness. I do want him to be pro-active about his medication regimen. A large part of successfully managing glaucoma involves taking the medication as directed when it is supposed to be taken. Rob is notoriously forgetful which I hope is just a sign of being 12 and that he will eventually start to notice the time and remember what is supposed to happen when. There are small signs of improvement. One of Rob's jobs has been to feed the dog. The dog eats at 6 p.m. each night. Well for a long time it was between 6 and 7 or 7:30 depending on when Rob would remember. Now Blake eats pretty consistantly right around 6 so I have to believe that some day there will be the same level of responsibility where the eyes are concerned!

Playground Evenings

Cooler New England temperatures and the fewer hours of daylight are inexorably taking away time from our post supper visits to the park. (I get out of work at 4 so we always have an early meal and then go to the park) Last night was a bit warmer than it has been the past few nights so I bundled everyone up and we went anyway. The kids are always so much better for having that last bit of the day to run around and burn off the wiggles. On the way, we met KC's park friend Andre and his mom. Holly pulls him in a wagon and lets KC ride with him. I feel a little guilty with the added weight she must be pulling with two kiddos in the back. On the other hand, the kids are having so much fun, I love watching them. And the amazing thing, is watching them communicate. KC is about 2 years older than Andre and Andre is slow to talk. Well at least his mom is concerned about his talking. In reality he signs something like 135 words, and speaks words in another language as well as english so I think it is going to work out fine. But the amazing thing is how well he and KC communicate with one another. While Andre may only sign something to me, or use a word or two to his mom, somehow this polyglot conversation takes place between the two kids while they ride in the wagon. Also, KC is used to trying to help his little sister learn language and he will patiently say a word to Andre and then ask him to repeat it. Something Andre seems more amenable to doing from KC than from an adult. We are going to get together once a week at an indoor play space once we totally have to give up our park evenings, but it won't be quite as much fun. There is a freedom to fields and less rigidly defined spaces that can't really be duplicated indoors.