My son, My young adult

I think it is hard for every parent to step back and let their teens and young adults make their own choices.  However, for me there is an added layer of concern.  My son is a strong handsome black man.  He loves to skateboard and wear Bob Marley T's.  He loves smooth jazz and hiking in the woods. He is helpful, especially to seniors and so easy going that young children and animals are nearly always drawn to him.


But that is not what it is likely to be seen if he is stopped by law enforcement, or if a stranger saw him walk down the street.  I have always thought about his safety, but somehow I was less aware of the fact that he is now  seen as a man and not a boy.  Probably it is that "mom" thing.  Our kids are always our kids.  The treasured memories I have of him as a young boy influence how I see him.

Yet on a recent camping trip to NH, this  was brought home to me.  Others from our city were also camping in the same place.  Most of those folks were related and were part of a family reunion. Apparently one of the reunion  families said that they knew there was another family from our city camping there. (meaning us of course.)  "I think they are in that tent in the back" she was told.  The woman answered-- "Oh do you mean the white lady and the black man and those two little kids?"

I know this because later the parties involved saw me en route to the washroom and decided to share this with me.  That was the first time that I thought of people seeing Rob as a man, not my son.  I am in a relatively progressive area of the country but "relatively" is the key word.  There are many studies done about how young black men are perceived as threatening.  There have been incidents in our community in the past, there have been horrific things that have happened in a myriad of locations around the country.  Ferguson is sadly not as isolated an incident as we would like to believe.

We speak often, he and I about the things he must do to stay safe.  But tomorrow he goes off to college and for the first time is making most of his decisions on his own.  I pray for a fulfilling and safe college experience for him in the big city.

The amazing Market Basket story

My kids and I shop at Market Basket. They are a family owned grocery store with stores in a number of cities and states along the east coast. They are known for reasonable prices and good quality foods--especially the produce.  Usually that is purchased from local farmers when possible which is awesome. 

They are a great place to shop for a cost concious family. They are a great place to work as well.  I have residents who have worked there and there is a great bonus structure for the employees.  Even part time cashiers receive sizable bonuses yearly.  (FYI larger bonuses than I receive in my  office position where I have worked for more years than I am willing to write!) LOL  They are also known for hiring the disabled and being proactive at helping them to succeed in their employment there.

So why do I bother writing about where I buy groceries?  Because for the past month I have not been buying groceries there.  The family that owns the chain is feuding.  Actually they have been feuding for about 25 years, but with one side of the family recently wresting control from the other, things reached a boiling point.

What is interesting to me is the fact that the workers sided with the ousted family members.  Though a number of senior level employees were terminated, there have been rallies, protests and an amazing amount of solidarity surrounding this.  For the first time in recent memory, workers have really helped to influence the outcome of a sitaution at their workplace.  We don't live in the time of powerful unions anymore--and in fact to the best of my knowledge, this situation has no union involvement at all.  Yet the workers have managed to keep alive a strong and united protesting presence.

For the record, I have *hated* shopping at the other store that was available to me.  My bill is $50.00 more a week and I don't buy convenience foods or meats.  I am absolutely hoping that the situation resolves itself soon.  But for now, I stand in solidarity with the workers of the Market Basket chain and hope that all their efforts result in a return to a great place to shop and a great working situation for them.

And still more camping!

Last weekend me camped again, this time at a new to us campground in upper NH.  We were literally a stone's throw from VT.  It was a peaceful little mom and pop operation, yet in an ironic twist the owner is from the city we live in.  I did not know this at the time and there were as a result, 30 folks from our city up there for a family reunion!  Truly our world is smaller than we realize!

We spent Saturday at the kids favorite theme park (we have season passes) and then late Saturday afternoon headed to the pool.  There KC and Lissa made friends with two little girls and I started chatting with their dad.  We all got really friendly and have exchanged emails and phone numbers as they have family not far from us and visit down in our area often. (they were not part of the reunion crowd and actually live in NH)

After supper, we all played with the glow sticks that I brought, and the large grassy field lent itself to raucous games of chase.  When it was time to settle a bit, everyone, including the new friends came down to our tent site for a campfire.  The dad is new to camping and learned about  smores and mystical fire that night!

We also found a cafe where we had breakfast. A ymmy breakfast, too!  One of the fun things we do when we camp in a new locale is to try and find a small  place to eat a breakfast or a lunch. Nothing y pricey but something that is not a chain.  I have nothing against Subw*y and such, but truly there is nothing like finding a cool place that is owned and operated by a person with creativity and good cooking skills.  Rob is usually the guy I put this challenge to, as he aspires to a culinary career.  He has not steered us wrong yet and the Moon Beam Cafe was stellar.  (if you will pardon the celestial pun!)

As is our norm, the weather was rainy the night we arrived--we literally got our tent up seconds before a downpour.  Then it was cloudy on Saturday and gorgeous on Sunday when we had to depart.  But we are way past letting rain or clouds bother us.

I don't know whether it is knowing that this may well be the last year Rob will come with us--at least at this level of camping.  Or if it is needing a mental break from harsh realities of our world, but we have escaped to campsites around new england more this year than ever before.  WE have made wonderful memories, deepend old friendships and made new ones.  Under gleaming stars with fires warm glow, the hatred of Ferguson MO seems far away.  The threat of another war on the horizon can be pushed into the farther reaches of my mind.  We laugh. We sing and tell stories.  Because at the core of who I am I believe that these experiences are a foundation that will help my kids successfully face adversity and remember how to find peace when their spirits need it.  Which is why my spare bedroom is still filled with camping gear, as we leave again on Thursday for our traditional Labor Day weekend campout at the ocean!

Early August campout

We are back from another camping excursion.  This one was to a favorite campground with some friends of ours.  What I especially love about this location is that the tent camping folks (aka us) have sites that are no where near the RV camping folks.  I have nothing against RV campers.  I just like being separate because they bring all their "house" stuff with them.  Radios. TV's Other electrical and noisy things.  All I want is us and  the  natural world.  You get that in spades here as long as you don't mind a long hilly walk to and from the bathroom and the rubbish areas.  Given that there are also black bears in the area, I think being far awy from those things is good as well. LOL

Weather was far from ideal.  As seems to be our pattern this year, we had rain.  Almost every day in varying amounts.  But we still had fun.  It was so quiet at night that it was really hard for me to sleep the first night we were home in the city.  But after that I was used to it again.  Sure did love the peaceful quiet woods though!

In the day time, the kids played with our friends daughter and with other camping friends they met.  In an odd twist of events, we often bump into people we met in years past camping and that happened again for KC at this campground.  He and the little boy got on famously.

Despite its remote location  every Saturday there is a ton of kid friendly activities at this campground.  From 11 a.m through to the magic show that ended at 8 P.m. there were crafts games and more to keep the fun rolling along.

Despite that, I think the memory that the kids will carry away from this one was an hour of swimming in the rain

Just Beachy!

Weather wise this has been an odd summer.  Not a lot of weather that was conducive to visiting the beach--at least on the weekends, when I am not working and can bring the family.  Fiona was supposed to visit this weekend but the house said they did not recieve either of my 2 emails so they could not accommodate.  I am going up to thehouse tomorrow to spend some time with Fi and to help her do some sorting and hopefully organizing of her room.  It is unacceptable to me that we don't have time to see each other.

This meant though that today was free for the beach--I would not have gone if Fiona was with us as the ocean frightens her.  We went shopping early and set off by 8:30 for the trek.  A bit under an hour later we were there.  The sky was that perfect cerulean blue that I associate with high summer.  The temperaturse were perfect so that you could warm up after being in the water but not burn your feet on the sands.  Truly it doesn't get better for the beach in New England.  I only took a couple of shots as K had to stay home.  If I am watching 4 kids at the ocean, I spend very little time looking through a lens and a LOT Of time in the water making sure all are safe and having fun.  I snapped these during our lunch break.

I have always said that everyone blooms when they are ready.  Today was Chet's day to bloom.  Chet loves the ocean but is over stimulated by it. The first part of the day was spent helping him acclimate.  When Chet gets wound up, even in siuations he likes.  When the sound of the waves, the feel of the water and sand, the birds, etc combine, it is hard for him to regulate his responses.  He begins to talk incessantly, to forget to swallow and start to drool, wave his arms around and lose a sense of personal space.  For the most part in a situation like the beach I can help him through it.  But it takes time.  That can be hard on the other kids--particularly KC who is profoundly upset when he never gets a turn to talk, or when Chet begins to drool.  But we got through it.

And then something amazing happened!  Chet was able to learn how to boogie board.  We have tried to help him with this for years to no avail.  He would wind up using the board to slap the waves, but never get the concept of lying on it and riding the waves in.  Yesterday--it connected and he successfully rode.  And then did so over and over for several hours. This also allowed him to "hang out" as he put it with the other boogie board folks and he did so with appropriate actions to boot.

We finished the day at our favorite ice cream stand on the way home, sandy tired, and full of joy.

Aftershocks

Rob went out with his girlfriend last ngiht and came home a bit later than his curfew.  I went out to the kitchen prepared to remind him of his responsibilities but stopped short when I saw his face.  Something was wrong and he had a really heartbroken look on his face.

He literally fell into my arms sobbing. Rob's taller than me, so I suspect we were quite a picture!  Rob is not a fellow who cries often or easily.  As a young child he would scream in terror but I can count on one hand the number of times that there were tears of sadness or even of anger.  I think that early experiences in his life taught him not to do this.

He was beyond words for a few minutes but eventually was able to share that he was feeling emotionally overwhelmed after meeting J. Last night was not the itme to start delving deeper.  It was just a time for holding, and reminding that he is loved and he does not have to figure this out on his own.  I told him the same thing I told Fiona on Saturday.  That conflicting emotions are normal, and that we are family and here for him. But in the days and weeks to come, we need to work together on this. I hate watching my kids hurt.  I rarely have trouble sleeping but I did last night.

Celebrations and Reunions

So today I drove to a very big city to Rob's brother Dee's baby shower.  It was a great day. I was exceedingly proud of the fact that I navigated there without "side journeys" (aka getting lost) due to my abyssmal sense of direction!  Traffic was horrid and that made me feel stressed insdie but I think I did well getting through it and not conveying my terror of highway driving  LOL

We got there and met Dee's fiancee--that would be the young woman with the wide smile and the lovely melon dress in the picture. We hit it off instantly, she and I. She has a bubbly personality, is absolutely over the moon happy to be having a baby, and she and Dee are very deeply in love.  It is wonderful.  It was great to see Dee again.  It has been far too long since we got together.  He and I have also always hit it off.

There were cousins that Fiona and Rob have not seen in years.  There was their sister Krystal who they have not seen in years.  That is her on the far right in the picture. I had worked hard to prepare Fiona for the day. We had wrapped gifts together and talked about how baby showers work because she had never been to one before. I had filled her in on the folks I knew would be there.  What I did not know was that their birth mom was coming.  That is J on the far left.  J did not know we were coming either. I think Dee genuinely didn't think about it.  He and his fiancee did this shower themselves; I thought family were throwing it for them but that wasn't really the case.

Luckily I overheard that she was coming from the train station and had time to talk with Fi and Rob in advance.  So although to say they were prepared would be an over statement, they were not blindsided.  Poor J was though.   I felt badly for her as she sort of fell apart when she saw the 2 kids. (acutally she walked past Rob first, not knowing that the tiny fellow she once held was now a strapping young man) She and I went outside to a lovely courtyard and sat together.  I'd never met her, but we connected.  We both hugged and cried. I told her what good kids they are. She had not recognized Rob when she first came in and I think that was perhaps the most painful thing for her.  I spent time talking about hte fine young man that he has grown into.  How he is a quiet fellow but when he has something to say it will be deep and from his heart.  J said she is like that too.  It was good to share stories about the kids, to hug and cry together.  I am incredibly blessed and love my kids more than there are words for.  I also recognize though that our family is built on the fracturing of another family.  However I hold an image in my mind that I saw on the internet. It is of a Japanese art form where cracked bowls are mended with beautiful threads of gold.  I think at its best and most thoughtful, building families through adoption can be like that.

When J felt stronger we went back inside and the kids spent time with her.  She had also brought her youngest daughter who is 9 and whom she is parenting. She and Lissa played  together.  R is wearing the pink shirt in the picture.

On the way home I stopped at a nearby Dunkin Donuts and sent all but Fiona in to pick up some fuel for the ride home for us all.  This gave Fi and I a chance to talk together about how she was feeling.  It was her turn to cry and to share some of her conflicted feelings.  She was glad though that her big dream of all of her family-adoptive and biological--being together happily had come to be.  She also recognized that the day may have been hard on KC who has not been able to meet his birth mother although they do have intermittent contact by letter. We did not have more than maybe 10 minutes or so before the troops were back with some food but it was enough  (I think) for reassurance and for reminding her that J can love her and she can love J and I will still love her.  She can also feel happy AND sad about J.  It is okay to have more than one feeling about someone.

I think it went okay because although I had brought a prn in case she needed it, she did not and the homeward trek was pretty normal.  Singing to the radio, talking and acting like her typical self.  I have emailed a lengthy post to the group home so that they will be aware of all that transpired. Meanwhile, I am feeling incredibly blessed that this reunion was able to happen.

Yesterday, at least for that moment in time, the gold threads of healing were shining in the cracks of our large family.