Thanksgiving 2023

 What a wonderful wonderful holiday.  We were blessed to have KC come home on Tuesday night and for Rob to come in for Thanksgiving Day and spend that night here with us as well.  He was also here to help decorate the house for Yule and that was so special.

The house rang with laughter.  I'm still not used to how quiet the house is with only two of the kids at home.  We are still very connected--thank goodness for texting--but we are moving into a different phase of our parenthood.  So I savor all the times we are able to be together, bask in their banter, and make everyone's favorite foods.

This Thanksgiving was also special because my mom and my FIL (who is Dad to me) were here, as well as my beloved SIL.  We had two friends who are usually with us and who had to bow out at the last minute because of illness.  Truthfully with 2 90 year olds at the table I am grateful that they did, though they were definately missed. But my mom has not been at Thanksgiving with us in many many years.  She lived out out state and neither her husband, or later her partner were able to make such a long trek to our home.  I could tell that even though she lives close by now, she too was tired when the festivities were done. One thing that was weird and hard for me was that Fiona was not with us. She has moved to a shared living residence much closer to first family members and the Big City.  I truly can not drive there.  I also thought her first family were getting her for the day but she spent it with the family of her shared living provider.  She seemed to have a good day and we Face Timed each other, but I missed her.  I am not her guardian any longer but she is always my daughter in my heart and we are still in touch a lot.  Again, thank goodness for the Internet!

There was food aplenty.  We had many pies, I made three batches of parker house rolls, we had giant turkey, I made mac and cheese and sauteed greens. There were mashed potatos, squash, carrots and corn. I also made rolled sugar cookies shaped and decorated like fall leaves.  No one left this house hungry or without a doggie bag!

Thanksgiving night, I took down a lot of the harvest decor, the kids put the living room back to rights (we have to move out all our furniture so that we have room for the tables) and we watched our first Christmas movie of the season together--Spirited.  

Friday we did almost all our indoor decorating.  KC and I watched a movie together that night as well.  We adore the movie Jingle Jangle but are the only 2 in the family who love it so it was just us.  Rob headed back home to Maine and we all went to bed early!

Saturday I made the cemetary boxes, and KC and I went to my mom's and helped her decorate her apartment and had lunch with her. We had lots of time for KC to talk one on one with her about his college experiences so far.  He used to text her daily before school began and they are both missing the fact that there is not time for that now. While KC and I were gone, Elisabeth did an amazing surprise for me.  I always decorate the tops of our upper kitchen cabinets.  She got red ribbon and bows and turned the door fronts into lovely packages.  It really looks amazing and I absolutely adore it.  It is extra special as Elisabeth has never been one to be super excited about decorating.  KC has always been the one for that (and Rob's special thing is the tree) So to have her plan this herself and do it for me, is a huge and special gift.  That night we all went to see the new MCU movie The Marvels.  The movie has really been panned but we loved it and I suppose I would have loved anything really as we were all together and having fun.

Saturday night Elisabeth had her two best friends sleep over and this morning, I had to drive KC back to school.  He won't be back for two weeks as he has rehearsal commitments at school.  But he will be back the weekend of December 9th and his gift this year to Chet and I is to go see Elf on the big screen!  We are both excited for that. Elf is one of our favorite movies.  Can you get a sense for how really big the holidays are here?

Tonight it is back to reality.  Elisabeth has Friendsgiving with the Youth Group tonight and while she is there, I'll be at work.  I took Wednesday off and we were closed the rest of the week so I have had a long luxurious break from the office.  But tomorrow it will be busy there and I have no office staff in that day except me, so it will be best to have this done ahead of time.

I hope everyone's Thanksgiving was what you needed and wanted at this moment in time, and that the coming weeks bring times of light, and joy.

Course Correction

 Saturday night I got a phone call from Rob who was in a difficult place.  Due to some spectacularly bad decisions he was in a very bad financial place that has legal repercussions.  Most of this week has been spent sorting that out and resolving the debts to other parties.  As a result of this, he will move home in the this month and regroup and regain his financial footing.

He is a hard worker and none of this is due to that.  It is, however, a result of his inability to say no to people, and to face hard things.  His choice when frightened or confronted with something he does not like has always been avoidance.  In this instance, avoidance equalled throwing away important mail and failing to discuss his crisis with us when it would have been much smaller and easier to assist with.

Part of what we will do during the time he lives at home again is work actively with him on budgeting.  Also on how to keep track of your spending--it seems like many young people, he does not look at who he has paid, just lives off what the bank says the available balance is. So if a creditor has not yet pulled a payment, and he buys something with "available cash" then a problem arises.

I told him when he moved out that if he needed his room back in the first 12 months it was his.  After that he could always come home, but he would take whatever room we could make available to him.  This is only 8 months in, so Elisabeth is bouncing back to her old room and is taking this with good grace.

I am sorry for Rob because I know this has to be  feeling like a step back.  I have told him it is just a "course correction" and that he will not be here forever. I hope it feels that way to him and that he continues to feel the love with which we are enfolding him as he works to resolve this. 

*Note: I wrote this post a week or so ago and forgot to post!

Fly Like an Eagle!

 This morning bright and early we helped Rob bring the last of his big belongings to his new apartment in the city.  I got to meet his roommate C who seems like a nice fellow and helped him carry in his dresser.  The room mate pitched in with the mattress and Rob grabbed the drawers.  It was done before i knew it and suddenly I was hugging my son on the sidewalk and driving away.

He is, as most young people are equal parts ready and not ready.  He is eager I am sure for the autonomy of living on his own and not having to worry about the needs of other family members around him.  We are a big family and so there are bathroom logistics and since I like to know that everyone is safe at  night I request that he let me know when he'll be home. I don't care where he is, i just don't want to wake up in the morning and find out he never arrived home.  In his own place, I can just pretend he is tucked in safe at midnight and call it a day. LOL

He has been moving things over most of the week, but there are a few smallish things left to do.  He does not want to stop his mail coming here and he wants to come home for Sunday dinners.  He is a funny kid in that to me, you NEVER need a reason to stop over here.  But I think by making those 2 commitments he feels he has a reason to come and that makes it okay for him.

But I know he is nervous too.  Years ago, when Rob first came home to us we had a wonderful cat named Wally.  Wally was the most unusual feline.  He was not noisy because his previous owner was deaf, so he had a whole different way to communicating.  He was big and strong and very affectionate.  Rob had a lot of night terrors in those days.  Wally helped comfort him.  And when we read The Kings Stilts at bedtime, Rob decided that Wally was a "patrol cat" like in the story.  And for years, Wally patrolled and Rob felt safer.  Sadly, Wally developed cancer and passed.  We had him cremated and brought his ashes home intending to have a burial ceremony in our back yard.

I thought that was important to give Rob closure on the loss. But he never wanted to bury Wally.  The lovely wooden box has stayed in our house all these years and he has never actually been ready to bury him.  He has with other pets, but not Wally.

Yesterday as he gathered kitchen implements and other items, he asked my wife if he could bring Wally with him.  Of course she said yes.  So the patrol cat is still on duty.

As we drove to the city a bald eagle flew over our car.  I take that as a sign that my boy is really ready to spread his wings.  We have given him the foundation, and the love and the drive to make whatever his dreams are become reality. But I am still weepy and emo as all get out.  Many parents ease into this because their kids go away to college. Rob commuted so this all feels equal parts raw and right.  

Stretching his wings

 As parents we expect our kids to grow and leave home.  Except mine haven't.  Chet is unable to live independently, and Rob has stayed happily here at home.  He is going to be 25 this spring.  By this time many kids have at least lived away from home for college.  When he went to college he commuted.  While there was an element of cost savings involved, there was also a need on his part to feel rooted and connected. Early trauma leaves its marks.

I was especially glad he was still living at home when the pandemic rolled around and he lost his job in the food service industry as a result.  Thankfully he found a new job in a new field a few months into this and has been working steadily. The restaurant he had worked at since before college never reopened so this was a double blessing.

A  few weeks ago he texted K and I pictures of an empty apartment.  It is pretty.  Lovely hardwood floors (first thing the family reno queen noticed! LOL) It is in a city about 30 minutes from us (the city where our church is located, but we have not been there since last March) He plans to share the apartment with someone else. The primary leaseholder is a friend of one of his coworkers. So Rob does not know the other fellow very well. But he says J says he is a great guy and lived with him for 6 years before he got married and moved out. Rob's rent share is really reasonable. They will split utilities and there is a free washer dryer in the building.  

He saw the apartment in person this weekend and really liked it.  So I know he will be moving at some point in the near future.  My guess is probably around mid March.  I am happy for him.  I am sad for us.  Rob is a quiet loving presence in our family.  Sunday nights we do the dishes together after dinner and talk.  He is that guy who is always there to lend a hand and always has a smile. I'll miss that smile at the dinner table. It will be weird not to hear his steps on the stairs past my bedroom when he comes  home from work at night.

But this is what should happen and I hope with all my heart that it goes well for him and is an exciting step into independence.  Now please excuse me while I go get a kleenex and sob for a few! (smile)

Saturday NIghts Fireside

Last night after the sun went down we had a fire in our fire pit.  This amazing pit was built by my wife and our two boys last year. It was late in the season though and although Rob used it a number of times with friends, there never seemed to be time for all of us to gather there.  But time is more available these days in the time of Covid.  Living in a state with the 3rd highest rate of infection has meant lots of time doing things as a family unit.

That is an upside to all of this.  I have had times to cook with my Rob.  Chef by vocation, he and i have worked in the kitchen together.  He has helped plan menus for family meals, and has been here for game nights and fire pits. Up till Rob was probably 17 or so, he did virtually everything that I did with the younger kids.  His choice,not a requirement.  He came on every camping trip. He went with us to the park and would play soccer with the youngers and I , there were hikes and bike rides. He came food shopping and sat with me at dance classes.  Not that he did not also have things he did without his siblings and without me.  He was part of youth group, mission trips, homeschool classes , a week away at summer camp, and had a wide circle of friends that led to a variety of experiences.  But as wide as his experiences were, he wanted and needed a close touchstone of family.  I was always more than fine with it.  And as I suspected, when he went to college the ties loosened naturally.  There were friends and experiences engendered through college life.  He began working and had more relationships and experiences through that as well.  He began to be around less and less.

Pre-pandemic I saw him at night when he came home from work--usually around 12:30 a.m.  He was sleeping when I left for work in the morning.  We always talked briefly when he came in and if he was going back out with friends he always let me know.  I am a light enough sleeper that his tread on the stairs always has woken me enough to chat and see how his shift was, what his plans were.

Now we have time for lots more talking.  Last night we were the last two at the fire pit.  There were marshmallows and laughter for several hours and then one by one the others all began to drift away, looking for showers and bed.  He and I sat out with the dogs watching the bats flit across the sky, seeing the stars gleaming, talking but also enjoying periods of pause. 

I'm thinking that this is a great gift. When eventually the world resumes something resembling normalcy, I know I'll see him much less. I know that he hopes to be living somewhere else in a few years.  Though fledging may look differently post-covid I know that there will be a time when he makes his own home somewhere else.  The virus has taken much.  KC's first recital in the lead role at the dance school.  Elisabeth's Girl Scout encampment. My Sunday mornings in community with my church. . . but there have been unexpected gifts as well.  This is a big one.

Merry Everything!

It is Christmas Day and it has been magical and emotional and wonderful in ways I could not have imagined.  The only hard part was that Fiona decided at the 11th hour to go to the Big City and have her Christmas and birthday celebrations with members of her family who live there.  Rob and the rest of the kids were disappointed as was I.  I had planned her favorite meal, her choice of birthday dessert and of course there are gifts aplenty awaiting her.  We will get togethe at some point but it is unlikely that we will all be able to be here.  Rob typically works weekends which are the only times I am free and juggling around the kids regular responsibilities and part time jobs means maybe 3/5 of the family will be here when she decides to visit.  I am okay with that but it is likely Fiona will not be despite the fact that this change was here decision and not ours.

However the rest of our day has been beyond my imaginings.  KC asked that we get up 10 minutes before the rest of the family so that he could give my wife and I his gift privately.  I had no idea what it could possibly be but we agreed.  He wrote the most heartfelt loving letter to us that we both cried buckets reading it. Then he turned on the TV and he had made a video with a montage of pictures of the three of us as he has grown and a dance he had choreographed to a song called In Case you don't live forever.  I have watched it three times and bawled each time.  Most times I think we don't know how we touch one anothers lives (and that is ok) but in this rare magical instant, we know.

All the kids outdid themselves this year and being together is always my greatest gift.  I know that some time Rob will move out.  I know he has plans he is working toward. So every holiday he is here is a gift beyond measure to me.  Everyone's gifts were thoughtful and showed such love and care for the recipient.

Now a feast awaits and I plan to tuck in with abandon.  Happy Christmas, blessed Yule, Happy Hannukah--merry everything to everyone!

Happy Birthday Rob June 2nd

Rob turned 22 yesterday.  It is hard to wrap my mind around that. The mom in me remembers the dinosaur themed birthday.  The year we had the bowling party with his friends.  The skateboard party and on and on. . But years have rolled by with increasing speed and he is a man now. And a good man.  No one is perfect and he certainly isn't but at the core, he is a just so good.  He is loving and caring.  Never will he be one for lots of words, but he is there showing his caring by the way he acts.  He's the kind of guy who gets his girl flowers just because.  Or who choses to make supper on a night he knows I have had a tough day.  Or who buys his brother and sister cool kicks because mean mom caps out the shoe budget at what I believe is a reasonable figure for growing feet! He is beloved by his siblings and we were all together to celebrate his day.  We had a lunch out at a restaurant of his choice and the meal was filled with lots of laughter and smiles and silliness.  (That is KC cracking up in one of the pictues and Fiona and Chet are laughing in a couple others.)  Lissa considers herself far too cool to giggle with abandon if there is a camera around!  It was special to be able to celebrate with Fiona here.

She and Lissa had a manicure first and Fi got her ears pierced after that.  So the lady folks were  all stylin by the time it came to lunch out to celebrate their brother.  After lunch we went home and had cake and gifts which left him a large part of the late afternoon and the evening to go and hang out with his friends.  Late that night he and his friends returned to our house for a campfire in the back yard.

The years have also woven birth and adoptive families together.  I always tag his first mother in the photos as well as the other first family members that I know.  I am friends (both IRL and via the internet with many of he and Fiona's first family but not all.) Those that I know continue the tagging of photos spreading news out to those in other states who want to know this child we share has grown, has thrived and is ready and eager to embrace all the world offers.

I feel lucky every time that we can celebrate with Rob.  I know that there are probably a finite number of such celebrations left to us.  He is fledging slowly but surely and is increasingly less consistantly available.  He has a wide circle of friends. He is a hard worker and I know in my heart that there will (and indeed, should) come a time when he will decide to take an apartment with a friend.  Someday birthday congratulations will be by computer and telephone so every moment we are able to celebrate together is precious to us all.  Happy birthday son.  Remember always that you are a most precious gift to your family and the world.

Growing faster and faster

Today I am very aware of how much our family is changing as the kids grow older.  Yesterday, Lissa went with a friend to an amusement park in a nearby state.  She wound up spending the night at her friends house and I picked her up this morning.  She eagerly regaled me with stories of all the "thrill" rides she went on.  She had a really excellent time and I am glad for her.

Last night after he finished work, Rob went to a friends house and was there till late, watching the Mayweather/McGregor match.  I was still slightly awake when he got home so he was able to tell me who won.

Today at noon KC left to go to a friends house for a party and won't return til 9ish.

All of these are good things.  We are doing our job as parents and our kids are fledging and growing--bravely trying new experiences, forging relationships, dreaming dreams.  It is exactly what I want, yet the moments are bittersweet  all the same.  Small hands no longer clasp mine, in fact almost all my kids are now taller than I am.  There are many things I love about parenting my kids as they get older.  The more in depth conversations we have; the movie nights we share together.  Jokes that have an increasingly more adult grasp of linguistic wordplay.  These all make me smile and are moments I treasure.

But I am very aware that their orbits are no longer firmly around me.  The gravity of friendships, interests, and new experiences has caused them to loop outward into their own orbits, only rocketing back to me periodically. KC is all ready talking of a part time job next year when he turns 14.  Lissa wants to volunteer at a local doggie day care when she turns 12. Whether I am ready for all this or not, time marches on. . .

Coming of Age

I'm feeling like this is a pretty emotional weekend.  You could start with right now.  The fact that I am in a house with no kids in it.  At all.  Like zero.  For the first time in about 13 years.  The picture above is part of the reason why.  KC is away on the final part of his Coming of Age year at church. It is an overnight retreat in a state near us.  Before they left for their retreat we gathered in the space above for a short ceremony to send our "kids" off. They will return as more than kids.  Not adults, but having symbolically left childhood behind.  On the sanctuary space you can see in the back ground the masks that they made as part of this experience.  KC's is the one on the left with the blue hair.  It was a very empowering experience for him to make a mask and think about what he shares with the world and what he chooses to keep hidden behind an invisible mask.

This weekend too, will be transforming for him.  KC has never wanted to stray far from home.  Or far from us, for that matter. As an infant he craved skin to skin contact more than any of my children.  As a toddler he loved to play but wanted to have me close, and involved.  As a young elementary aged child he never ever wanted to stay the night away from home.  He loved having friends over but was very anxious at the thought of being away from home.  Tonight, he will sleep with 14 other friends from church and trusted mentors.  He is ready.  I am excited for him and I was pretty dry eyed through the ceremony.  Then I came home and a sweet note was pinned to our dry erase board.  Written in green marker--green is always the KC color at our house--it read

Dear Ooma and Mom,
Right now I'm probably having an awesome time.  But I love you and really miss you.  Keep Maui happy. (his cat) Drink a small bit of wine and please send me WARM HUGS love you lots, KC

My darling, brave funny and talented son--so many warm hugs are headed your way.

While he is off, Lissa is at a sleep over at a friends house.  Tomorrow  I will meet her there as Karen is having a pot luck Mothers Day brunch and Lissa and Karen's two girls are helping to organize the crafts that the kids will do while we ladies chat.

Tomorrow night Rob is taking his girl friend to her prom.  I can't wait for pictures!  But so much. So soon.  Truly one day they can't tie their shoe and the next, they fledge. They fly, they make you think they are going to crash.  And then, they catch an updraft, and soar.

Relationship Blooms!

It has been a long time since Rob had a girl friend.  His first girl friend was an intense 4 year relationship that at times I liked and at times petrified me.  The young woman was very bright but ery very intense and I worried privately that things would spiral to a place that would damage their futures.  She broke things off as they entered college and he was devastated.

He didn't date anyone seriously since then and we are entering year 3 of college.  He had an active social life and many "girls who were friends" but gatherings were groups and not dates.  Privately he told his younger sibs that he was not going to settle for just one girl.

Late this summer he met Moe.  Moe lives in the neighborhood, is a bit younger than he and they began hanging out after Rob got out of work. He would go to her house and they would sit at a picnic table and talk and she came to our house and they had a fire in the fire pit. I actually thought they were going to part ways a week or so ago though as Rob complained that she was texting him too much.

While the comment made me laugh (he is like so many 20 somethings with the phone constantly at the ready!) I was hoping that he would give the relationship a bit more of a chance. And apparently he did, as last night he announced that they were a couple.

I hope they are good to and for each other.

Party like a Chef Star?

Another fun and busy weekend at our house!  Friday night the littles spent play time with our former neighbor.  Their "KLB Club" was together once more and they had a blast.  Lissa spent the night.  KC is still fearful of sleeping away from home, so I just said that he was still getting over his cold. But at least he had a big chunk of time with his buds and that was a good thing.

The next morning after KC and I did our usual errands, we picked up Lissa from the sleepover.  She had a Girl Scout trip Saturday afternoon so we dropped her off at that.  While she was gone, KC and I made fondant creations to decorate Rob's family birthday cake.  We made a big fry pan, a couple of plates, a hamburger with buns and cheese, and eggs. Oh and some cooking utensils.  Painted them with food coloring and froze them. It was super hot here Saturday and I had visions of squishy fondant puddles instead of our little art project!  That night after I got everyone to bed I finally made the cake.

Sunday morning was church and when we got home, my wife made her delicious frosting and I frosted the cake and put the "bacon and eggs" on the plate and some "eggs" to cook in the fry pan and set up the faux burger plate.  If I do say so, it looked amazing.  Rob had to work till 3.  It was pouring so I picked him up and when we got home we had his party.

Lissa's contribution was helping me find decorations and helping to put them up in the dining room. Rob had said he did not want a theme this year so we went with birthday banners and  all manner of glitzy stuff.  She had a blast doing it and felt super important to be in charge of the decorating.

The party was filled with laughter and silliness. It was especially poingnent as we know that next year he is turning 21. I am really sure that party will be with friends and coworkers and that family will have a smaller role in the day. But I hope that he will know that we are always here. We are the safe place to launch from, the familiar place to return to when life is crazy, the place where you can puzzle out the next step.  And where you will always get a hug.

Going to get my hair did!

Time--free time that is, is that rarest of commodities lately.  Work is very busy, we are in the midst of audit cycles right now.  College is winding down for the semester for Rob, but he has projects and special things associated with wrapping up the semester that are demanding his time and attentions.  Also raising havoc with our otherwise predictable train schedules.

We are coming closer to dance recital weekend for the youngers and that has also made for extra scheduling challenges.  KC is in the production number at the end (as well as 5 dances) so he has extra practice sessions at the school on days and times that we don't usually allocate to dance.

My homeschooled kids have more friends than I probably had in my entire 12 years of public school and weekends have been peppered with birthday party invites.

Fiona has been home for visits, some have been good, others have been a struggle for her.  Overall I think she is doing better than she has in quite some time.  But I also have some first family issues that may require my attention.  It's not bloggable and what's going on is not a danger.  But it still requires some input from me.  And it feels odd to have some of the first family coming to me and saying that they needed my help handling a situation involving another family member and Fiona.

My wife's business has been off the hook busy and so when I am home I have tried to take on more of the house chores to lighten her load.

But tomorrow?  Tomorrow is a day with a big chunk of it carved out just.for.me.  You all have no idea how weird that is.  My idea of "me time" is reading while I wait up for Rob to get home from work.  I finish my piece work by 10 or 10:30 and read till 11:30 when he gets home on Friday and Saturdays.  And as much as I love to read, well a body needs a bit of pampering.  So tomorrow I am taking the day off from work and getting my hair done.

Done how? Haven't a clue.  I have "bad" hair.  Unlike my girls hair, my hair doesn't stay where you put it. It is thin  and lifeless. It has no body.  It has well,no pizzazz. I'm not thinking tomorrow will give it pizzazz but at least it will be a nice cut and maybe highlights or foils or something daring and decadent to welcome spring.

It's not going to take all day but I will use the rest of the time to do all the chores I normally allocate to Saturday. This Saturday I am taking the kids up to Maine to see my mom.  We usually go for Maple Sugar Sunday but this year that fell on Easter so we didn't go.  Christmas Eve was when we saw her last.  I had planned to go up in February or March but for most of February and all of March one or the other of us was ill.  She is old enough now that I don't want to risk bringing germs so we waited for spring and better health for us all.

Busy?  Sure, but blessed also!

Staying Safe and Calling Home

Last night Rob worked as usual.  There was a big MMA fight and I knew that he and two friends were going to a local restaurant after work to watch.  He had plans to stay with the friend for the night as he didn't know when the fights would be done.  This was fine with us, he has stayed with the friend several times now.

However as he left, we reminded him as always that if anything ever happened that he wasn't comfortable with, to just call or come home.  No questions asked, just make the safe choice.  I have always worried about this with Rob.  He is so easy going, so hakuna matata that I have often wondered if he would look critically enough at a situation and see that it might not be a wise move to be part of it.

Last night he made the choice to call home.  He actually could get home but had forgotten his key and would need someone to let him in.  I am thrilled that he made the call.  He seemed relieved that we did follow the "no questions asked" plan.   I did hear him tell his younger siblings that he came home because his friends were going to go somewhere he didn't want to be part of.  He is of an age where making those decisions is so very important.

With Rob, food has always been comfort, security and proof of love.  Lissa asked if I would make chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast and I said yes.  I asked Rob (who is usually only eating healthy/fitness oriented things these days) if he wanted some too.  He did and he inhaled about 6 of them, along with my artful strawberry garnish, which was the nod to healthy eating!

The road less travelled

As an adoptive parent I have ALWAYS tried to make sure my kids know that they can come to me anytime. And ask about anything.  They can ask about their first families. They can ask about how they came home. They can ask about why adoption exists.Whatever.   I may squirm inside from time to time, but these conversations are important and a huge part of our family tapestry.

Several months ago, Fiona asked me about her birth father. Unfortunately I had not info at all on him--not even his name is present on her original birth certificate.  I said she would have to ask Mom J for information on that and that I would help her with that conversation if she felt that she needed it.

She thought about it (for a loooong time, like several months) and then decided she would like to talk to her first mom about him.  She wanted to know simple things.  His name.  What he liked to do with her.  What he contributed to her racial and ethnic identity.

I got in contact with J and explained what Fiona wanted and asked if she would be okay with having this conversation.  Alternatively, she could write a letter or message us via social media.  She wrote back that she would be fine with answering any of my daughter's questions and would tell my son Rob anything he wanted to know as well.

As luck would have it, Fi was home that weekend and we made the call.  J and I talked a bit and then she and Fiona talked. Fi got her questions answered and I think this was another step in something I can only describe as emotional completeness.

Adoption leaves these blank spots.  Relationships lost or misunderstood.  People forgotten.  Stories that make sense of our connections are not told. For Fiona, filling those blank spaces is crucial to her healing.  On the other hand, at this point Rob wants nothing to do with Mom J.  I told him about the call and what J had said.  He made sure he was not available when we made the call.  When the call was over, he immediately resurfaced and joined in our activities cheerfully. Rob has strong connections with other first family members, siblings and cousins and aunts and uncles.  He just can't figure out yet what his relationship is--if there IS a relationship--with J.  He also is a bit put off by the fact that she and I are friends.

It is hard to explain to Fiona that he needs to walk his own path and that there will probably come a time when he is ready for this, but that it is not now.  And that while I support her journey, I also support his.  Fiona's cognitive delays make it hard for her to see why this is okay.  I wound up falling back on "he's your little brother; remember you are the BIG sister and so you are ready for this before him."  Which is not really the why of it but if it makes things okay, I'll run with it.

Ironically, Fi shares more of this journey with KC who has always wanted to know as much as possible about Mom Y.  Last night he came downstairs and said he wanted to know why she gave him up for adoption. He'd been thinking about it he said, and he didn't know how to ask.  The words came out in a blur, rapidfire, and his eyes were huge.  That conversation started with a hug and I could feel him lean into me hard.  We talked about how people don't always have good supports in their life to help them and that his mom lived with her parents--how space and money concerns can make for hard choices. It was enough for now.  I have grown adept at reading the "full up" signals in my kids--when the conversation has gone far enough for now.  But I remain ready to talk again when the need arises.

Black Lives Matter

I feel lucky when I know people who can say with far more eloquence than I  why the phrase "all lives matter" bothers me so much.  Yes. All lives matter. But we are talking about the lives that are minimized, jeopardized and flat out ended daily in ways that "all other" lives are not.  It is a worry for me as a mom of kids of color.  I send my strong handsome young teen off to the Big City for college with a smile on my face and worry in my heart.  I watch my phone for the text that he is ready for me to pick up at the train.  I worry that the natural "immortal" feeling that teens have (and yes, I remember feeling that way too) could translate into a situation far more dangerous to him than any of mine were to me.

I worry that I have not prepared him adequately enough for being black in a world that does not see him the same way it sees me.  I know that to some extent my presence over the years has lent him an inadvertent corner of the white privilege blanket.  He isn't likely to be accused of shoplifting if he is standing with his white mom.  The same is not necessarily true if he is hanging out with skater pals in the big city.  This is not to say we have not had some issues; there have been. But by and large, the world has been pretty kind to him.

I am lucky that I have friends of color because my white friends don't see what I worry about.  They think "black lives matter" is obvious and that "all lives matter" is more reverential to life and speaks to inclusiveness. My efforts to explain are dismissed. "But YOUR son is so friendly and polite; nothing would happen  to Rob"  I hope with every facet of my being they are right. Statistics say other things though.

But a 12 year old playing in a park is not exactly a huge threat. Yet he was shot and killed without a word.  My Rob is kind and smart and handsome. He also works out and hangs out with kids who skateboard and may look "sketchy" to a certain segment of the population.  They will not see his smile. They will see his strength, his blackness, an implication of a threat that does not exist.If a 12 year old at play can be gunned down, what about strong 19 year olds?

Family members who love my kids have told me my worries are meaningless. That because I brought my kids up "right" I don't have to worry.  They seriously think all the other instances are a result of bad parenting?  Rendered speechless, I grew silent about the subject on line. And I grew angry at myself because if I as my kids parent can be rendered voiceless and powerless, how must so many other parents feel.  Parents who have lost children and who have found their children vilified in the media, their home lives and values questioned.

So, yes people. BLACK lives matter.  And please. Go read Kevin Hoffman at www.mymindonpaper.wordpress.com  Because he says it all with much great clarity than I do.

Talking. . .

So there were lots more conversations via text and Facebook with D last night.  He wrote that above all he did not want me to feel badly and then the flood gates of commuication were unleashed by him.  He has been essentially homeless since the baby was born, couch surfing and his fiancee and their baby are presently living out of state with her family as a result. He has no credit and could not get an apartment, she has bad credit and could not get an apartment.  They could not find someone to cosign.

I said that I work in housing and maybe I was butting in but that I would do everything I could to help them find housing.  When I was lucky enough to become Rob's mom, my family grew by more than just Rob. He and K and many many more were now in my mind, family.  So to please reach out (and I promised to not have it on facebook, which made him laugh) and i would do all I could. I do not want him to be homeless. He is a bright, kind and intelligent young man.

He said that he was grateful for any and all help and was in a very humbling place right now.  He said he considers me family and has for a long time.  Now to get to work on finding this young man a home.

Why I am glad I didn't jump to conclusions

So last week Rob had to go into the Big City to get his transportation pass  for school. While he was there he planned on seeing his skateboard buddy that he met a college last year and also his brother D and sister K.  I was over the moon happy that the 3 sibs were getting together.  Sometimes  I have felt like I was maybe pushing Rob too hard in my efforts to maintain connections with his first family.  He didn't seem particularly to want this but he didn't come out and say he didn't want it either. So I kept on.  I have been Facebook friends with as many family as I could safely and reasonably connect with.  It has been a long, many years journey with lots of rough patches. But I think we navigated the journey pretty well.

Last year when D and A had their baby shower, we were all there.  More fences were mended, more bridges strengthened.  So it was totally in character for me to write a happy little post on Facebook saying how happy I was that Rob was in town spending time with D and K that day.

Today I got a private message from D saying that he and K did not appreciate being tagged in my happy little post and that although I considered Rob my son, they were siblings and were trying to rebuild that relationship in a way that was not over the top for Rob.

I wrote back right away that I absolutely respect their sibling ties and never intended my words to make that relationship difficult or undermining in any way. I promised not to write anything in the future and said that I would apologize to Rob as well if he was upset by my words--though I also said that he is pretty used to my bragging on him and all the other kids.  I am just a pretty open person.  What you see/read/here is what you get. Anyway, I wrote a careful and thoughtful post back and hoped for the best.

When I got home I had another post from D.  He said above all he did not want me to think I had anything to apologize over. He and K just wanted to be with their brother without all the rest of the first family asking why they had not been included and why they had not brought Rob by etc.  Which made total sense and was something that (obviously) had not occured to me at all.  So we have talked more on line and he and K are hoping to come out this way and visit as well.  I am excited. I am also mindful that if my response had been different, the outcome could have well been really sad.  Instead, I am filled with hope that the journey continues and that these kids solidify their relationships with each other.

Memorial Day Camping Fun

The whirlwind of life continues at its typical crazy speed!  Over Memorial Day weekend the kids and I went camping with friends of ours.  It is at a ski area in NH where they have a variety of activities that all our kids enjoy.  Tree top aerial adventures were the big hit this year for KC, Lissa and their 7 year old friend A.  It was amazing to me to watch them learn how to use carabiners and a trolley to do a zip line.  They traversed obstacles, walked on swinging logs and cheered each other on with enthusiasm and had an amazing time.  KC who is usually my timid guy was in the lead both times through the course, his feet sure footed from his dance training.

Lissa was a rock star on the climbing wall.  She truly climbs like a mountain goat--this girl is born for extreme sports I think!  Both times she did the climbing wall she chose the route that had the over hang that you had to get up and over.  Naturally, this was the hardest route, but honestly, she made it look easy.

Poor Rob had come because last year there was a skate park where he could do bike and skateboard tricks.  He loved that and was there all day every day last year.  This year they abolished the skate park but forgot to delete it from their website so we did not know until we arrived.  I admire the way he handles disappointments though. He is gracious and never pouts or rants.  He helped the littles out and spent time shooting pictures of the little kids.  He did try the 20 foot stunt jump a few times and he took the kids up the mountain on the scenic chair lift ride. He did the water balloon fight game with the kids as well.   He is not into rock climbing or the aerial tree top type things though. I love that he never complained or moaned about the loss of his favorite activity; he just found ways to participate.

Our campsite was beautiful, large, quiet, not too terribly far from the bathrooms. (always a plus when Lissa wakens me at 2 a.m.!)  The first night was really really cold--32 degrees, but after that it got warmer each day. 

We totally forgot one tote of our camping supplies so we left home my fire starters, my coffee pot and our cups.  Of the 3 items, the only one I missed was the coffee pot.  LOL  I still made a campfire and did not need the fire starters--old Girl Scout training is still in effect! We used small bowls as our "cups" and looked a bit like pictures one sees of Mongols when we were sipping our OJ but it worked.  I don't let forgetting something color an experience.  We are there to have fun and there is always a work around if you think out of the box a bit.

On the last day we were there I bought myself a ticket and did the 20 foot stunt jump.  It was a blast! I sort of forgot the pledge I made to my wife years ago when we expanded our family about not doing anything extremely dangerous.  My friend videod the jump too so there was, as they say, incriminating evidence!

After  long cold winter though, it felt amazing to be able to be outside for hours on end and we all had a really wonderful time. It may be the only camp out that Rob is able to come on this year depending on his work schedule.

He has been newly hired to work in the produce department of a local grocery store.  I am proud that he has a summer job, and so is he.  And this chain is known for being extremely good to its employees with bonus opportunities even for part time workers. I have a hard time wrapping my mind around camping without him--Rob is that really good camping helper who just knows exactly what to do without my even saying anything.

Recital Weekend

Recital weekend is over and we have survived!  Not only survived but the kids had a blast and did really well with their numbers. These are their 2 favorite costumes--KC's is from his jazz number and Lissa's is from her jazz number.  They also had ballet, hip hop and KC had tap and a final production number that was only open to older students.  I am proud of how well they did but most happy that they enjoyed it.  Lissa does not enjoy it as much as KC but I think that she still had a lot of fun.  If nothing else she adores wearing makeup. This picture is mostly sans make up but I love it.  She looks so relaxed in the shot.  Typically she does not love having her picture taken but this one is a real keeper.  Any dance picture you get of KC is a keeper- the boy lives to dance. He is all ready counting the days till dance camp. Presently he sees himself someday owning his own dance/art studio combo.

This is also the weekend that their long time best friends moved from next door to us to their new home across town. We will still get together but it won't be the daily back and forth between the houses that has dominated most of the littles lives.  I think KC was about 4 when B and his family moved in and Lissa about 2.  The thought of losing the close proximity of their best friends have deeply saddened KC and Lissa.

Friday night when he was lying in bed KC told me he wondered who would move in.  I said I hoped it was someone with kids as maybe there would be new friends to make even though we would still be friends with B and his family.  He looked at me with concern and said "I don't know about that."  I was baffled and asked why.  He said that the family who lived there before B was "mean" and they wouldn't play with them because they were black.

Whoa!  Say whaaaaat?  Cue the clueless parent face as first off I can't honestly remember who lived there before B and his family.  Secondly, as my 11 year old tells me that this kid always  swore at Rob I am wondering why I never heard about this.  I am pretty darn sure I would remember that.  KC said he didn't tell me because  Rob told him not to.

Hmmmmm.  I have read about kids who are adopted transracially who are not comfortable telling their parents about issues of racism.  I have talked about that with my kids and made it (at least in my little brain) 100 per cent clear that I have their back. That I want to know if something is wrong, if they are treated unfairly.  I have visibly gone to the mat on racial issues that I have seen--most noticably ones that involved the kids and I in stores or gift shops.  I have never ever been the parent who didn't want to talk about race.

Granted, this would have been years ago, as KC is 11 now. So Rob would have been about KC's present age when this happened. I think he is much more open in his relationship with me now because I have worked every single day of our lives on it.  But for Rob 11 was a hard time. I do remember that.  I wish I had known about this.  I might have somehow made it a little easier for him. Discrimination is not ever easy, but I always want my kids to know that I am there with them in the fight.  Here's to working for open honest dialogues. . . and good neighbors.

Gourment Leprecauns!

This weekend was the great Lucky Leprecaun Art Gallery showing!  The kids had a blast. The grandparents came to view and to stay for a pasta luncheon.  KC was an admirably well prepared docent, explaining the concepts and medias used on each piece he had created.  I loved that my mom especially had thoughtful questions that she asked the artists about their work.  It is important for kids to feel that their work is respected and valued and she so did that in spades.  Fiona was home and she had work shown in the gallery as well.  I am glad we were able to keep the tradition going as my pneumonia had kind of slowed down the gallery creation there for a few weeks!

Saturday night our church was holding a gourmet dinner. This is a fancy schmantzy fundraiser that happens annually.  I went once and the food is stellar.  However I hate driving at night because it is a migraine trigger so I have not gone since.  The chef asked if Rob would help with plating and Rob agreed.  His godparents were going so we brought him to church and they brought him home after it was all over (sometime after 1 a.m.) I was dozing, just waiting for him to come home.  I can't sleep deeply when someone is out and supposed to come home. Rob stopped in my room to tell me it went well and he had fun.  Sunday at church a bunch of folks came up and told me what a hard worker he was and how busy he was in the kitchen.  Proud?  Heck yes.  I am both proud and grateful that he is such a caring young man, and gives of his time and talents without reservation.