Recital 2022!

 Yesterday was recital.  And prom.  A double header of emotional exhaustion and fun for our family.  This guy in the center played Aladdin in the recital production which is both theater and dance.  To say he shone would be an understatement. Yes, I am biased.  But he is so good at this.  It leaves me with my jaw hanging down.  The combination of theater and the dance.  It is so fun to watch and so so good.  This was a big year.  The school almost closed; a combination of the pandemic and a tragedy in the owners life.  But the love that KC and his class have for her was a big part of what made her hold on and try to rebuild.  They would literally do anything for her. He has danced there since he was 5 and he is now 18.  He dances all disciplines.  He taught a boys hip hop class-a first for the school.  He choreographed two duets for himself, one with the young woman who plays Jasmine and one with the young woman who played the genie.  They were fabulous and showed a lot of maturity in his craft.  The lovely young lady to the left in this shot is his sister Elisabeth. She too, has grown so much in her dance abilities this year. 

From the high of the performance it was home to scramble around and get ready for senior prom. Most readers know that we are homeschoolers.  Homeschoolers constantly get the question "but how do you socialize."  Well, fear not!  This guy was taken to prom by not one but TWO lovely young ladies.  I am not posting their picture as I don't have the ladies's permission but they looked amazing.  One wore white, one work black and KC wore both!  They have been friends for years and had a wonderful night together.  More dancing and he was exhausted when he got home.  

Today is a Youth Group party to say farewell to an Indonesian exchange student who has been part of the group this year.  To say this was an emotion packed weekend would be an understatement!

Strikes and Subway!

 As our world opens up again (this would be the second go round at trying that!) gatherings have begun to occur.  We went to our second birthday party yesterday for a family friend.  The party was held at a bowling alley and was a lot of fun.  Partly because of the good friends, partly because I still enjoy bowling (and to my credit did get scores of 80 and 70 respectively)  I said I bowled older than my age so I was very happy.  LOL Elisabeth finally bowled for the first time ever and got a strike. She has never bowled because she deems bowling shoes ugly and that they should not be worn. So when I would take the boys when she was younger she always ate snacks and cheered but never bowled.  She still isn't a fan but had a good time because of who we were with.

While we were gone, K began tiling the wall in the bathroom that our sink is on.  When I got home I helped cut tile and it went much more quickly.  Then we decided on how we would finish the vanity that the sink sits on.  When I bought the vanity on line, it had a little bottom drawer and an open space above it with a door. (of course it was a vanity you had to build so it has been sitting with just the exterior built so that the sink could be on it for months. )  The challenge is that in this bathroom the plumbing to the sink comes up from the cellar not through the wall as it does in our upstairs bath.  Which meant we had to drill a hole in the bottom of the cabinet rendering a drawer impossible.

There were a number of options.  We could put a false front on where the drawer should go.  We though of attaching the drawer front with strong magnetic tape.  Then my wife thought of marrying the two together with small flat pieces of metal on the backs and treating it as one door.  It worked. . . except that our screws when we did this dimpled the front of the door in a few places.  This is not fine cabinetry folks. We are talking MDF here.  I'll give you that  you can't see the dimples unless you look for them.  But we know we WILL look at them, because we did this and we know they are there.

So here it is as it looks now.  We have ordered a waterproof peel and stick wallpaper piece that will go into the panel and a grey cabinet door knob.  The piece of baseboard on the left is not attached, but it is what will eventually go around the room.  It is as close as I could get to the baseboard in the rest of our home which is a very wide baseboard and has lots of curves and ridges.  This is smaller but has a very similar pattern and is made of plastic which is what I want for a bathroom. 

We have some drywall to work on on the other side of the bathroom so that is next up.  But we are done with all tile work except for a line of bull nose that will go on the front of the shower area after the floor is installed.  The areas we tiled used 2 full boxes of subway and 8 tiles (yes 8!) from the last box.  Since I can't return the box for credit we are giving this partial to our friends who have helped us on this renovation journey.  They are using the same tile in their bathroom project (though not the accent tiles)

Spin City or the story of a washer that would not spin

 Last weekend my daughter wanted to lounge on the couch.  I reminded her that her bedroom was not fully clean and her wash was not done.  She gave a huge sigh, went upstairs and proceeded to put her completely full, utterly ginormous hamper into the washer.  Needless to say I wasn't there when she did it and found out when the cycle finished and she came to tell me "my load is still really wet."  You think??? A dead washer is a crisis of epic proportions in our house.  There are 5 of us living here and my wife has a cleaning business that engenders a lot of wash on its own. Easily we do 4 loads of wash daily.

Elisabeth steadfastly maintains that she did not know this would break the washer.  I suspect that although she did not know that, she DOES know how to properly load a washer and just in that moment did not give two flying fig newtons about what would happen.  If you have gleaned that this annoyed me, you would be right. She is almost 15 and has been doing laundry for quite a while.  It was an impetuous act of anger.

Now this is all further complicated by the fact that our machines came from Sears which is now defunct.  Because they were going out of business I opted not to re-enroll in the product protection agreement.  I felt that might also go the way of the once great stores and I didn't want my money tied up there. Local appliance people (all two of them) do not work on Kenmores.

Youtube to the rescue.  I did some research and discovered that our model does not have a belt.  It has something called a motor-stator and that was what probably needed to be replaced.  I ordered it on line and my wife and I watched the youtube video over and over as if it would somehow impress the instructions into our little brains.

The part arrived and we took off the back of the washer.  No problem.  We tried to remove the cover to the motor stator.  Problem.  The nifty spin and pull maneouver they show in the video did nothing. Zip. Zero. Zilch.  We both tried.  I am really fairly strong after a year of renovation.  I carry drywall, put up walls, rip up floors.  But this?  Nothing worked.  My wife tried.  No joy.  

She called a friend and he came over with his son.  They could not move it with the youtube system either.However they did devise a system where one person held hte barrel of the washer (this is a front loader) while the other backed out the bolt and that worked like a charm.

They left, and we found that there were 5 more bolts to fight with.  We tried with no success but it was honestly late and we were tired having worked all day.  Today, my wife tried while I was at work and the next thing I knew I had a text with a vid of our washer working! No more laundramat nights!  And I suspect my teen daughter has learned a valuable lesson as several times she had to wait longer than usual for a preferred outfit to be clean. And, another skill in our toolbox of tricks!

Elisabeth's new job

 Elisabeth is 14 1/2 and has been struggling.  Covid impacted everyone but among those folks i know, the 13-14 year old kids seem to have had more emotional fallout from lockdown.  In any case, she did.  I think what made it extra hard was that she was just stretching her wings. She had started going places with friends w ithout an adult present.  Made trips to the mall, lunch dates with a group of friends, movies.  And it was gone in an instant.  For 15 long months.

We did everything we could to make good memories in dark times.  But family game nights don't replace time with friends when you are that age. Early this spring her beloved older brother moved into his own apartment and that played a role as well.  My kids all love each other but she and Rob have always had a special bond.

The internet took up more and more of her time and it was hard to say much against it since in many ways it was a tool for some kind of connection with her friends.  But too much internet brought sleep deprivation and a surly teen.  It was  not the best 15 months of her life that is for sure.

KC missed a lot and dealt with many of the same emotions but he was working all during the pandemic. So at least for 12 or 15 hours a week he was out in the world where she was not.  Eventually dance resumed and that helped but it was all so little compared to all that was missing.

She tried and tried to get a job and the grocery store was not hiring.  It is super hard to find a job at 14.  There are weird regulations on what you can do and how long you can work and many employers would rather not deal with those issues. 

Then, an opportunity presented itself.  A Dairy Queen was being built at the mall. It is one of those that is open year round. She applied and was one of the first hired. She has had trainings all week and will have them until next Tuesday.  She is loving it!  She comes home excited about the things she has learned to make. She has stories to tell about other trainees. Suddenly her world is not so tiny and it is expanding her spirit.  Oh, and as an example of the weird regulations for 14 year old workers--she can't make a banana split because she can not legally cut the banana at 14!!

Reaching for the new normal

Most of the state I live in has cautiously re-opened.  There are differences though.  It is not a return to what we had before.  I am not sure it ever will be.  For instance my bank is still in person by appointment only.  Most transactions are by ATM or from a remote teller during the day.  They are still not open extended hours and my son has to use the night depository for his paychecks as a result.

My beloved yoga studio is opening for two months only with severely limited numbers in the class and a requirement to wear masks the whole time.  I have thought this over and I can not see me successfully doing yoga with a mask on. So I will revert to my home exercise program with Beachbody.  I can't do yoga successfully without someone really watchng my posture for me.  What feels straight to me is not, because I have scoliosis and am always slightly off kilter as a result. But I can do barre, I can do a lot of strength training, those things I can do without issue here so I have to resign myself to that being my only official exercise.

Today Elisabeth is at a social distance birthday party for a close friend. They are having dinner for 5 girls at a local restaurant. The restaurant has social distancing.  You wear a mask till the food arrives.  The wait staff are masked. The menus are disposable.  After the dinner they are returning to my friends home where they will sit on the patio and watch the present opening and have cake.  Is it perfect?  Probably not.  But I let her go because as worried as I am about Covid (and I do worry) I also worry about my kids emotional well being.  For Elisabeth particularly, the need for some in person socialization is very evident. And if this thing is going to be around for the long haul, my gut feeling is that hiding in our homes is not going to save us.

Today I decided to go raspberry picking.  I have always picked a lot of fruit. When the kids were little I had 2 helping me pick and one strapped on my back and one I dragged along beside me in a car seat type gizmo.  We would do strawberries, raspberries, blueberries peaches and apples.  This year our state did no pick your own strawberries, but they are doing raspberries.  Like everything, this is a familiar experience with unfamiliar guidelines.  We used to ride a wagon down to the fields, the benches filled with laughter and chatter as groups of us became acquainted and talked about our plans for the fruits of our labors.  We'd have cold water in water bottles with us because this is thirsty work and the sun is hot. We would wander through the rows of produce looking for the biggest berries or the juiciest ones.

Now you have to make a reservation to pick (unless you show up super early like I did!) You must wear a mask the whole time you are in the field.  There is a mandatory handwashing station.  You have to walk down to the fields, no more tractors pulling a wagon of eager pickers. And just like the grocery stores, the rows of fruit are one way rows with arrows to show which way to go.

It was definately not as pleasant--picking with no hydration in a mask will never be something that could be called comfortable when it is 85 degrees and humid.  But it felt like at least in some way I was doing something that I was able to do pre-Covid. There was something important about that for me--especially as I keep in contact with my sister in AZ who has the virus and is trying to get healthy.

(note: I actually picked four containers but didn't think to snap a pic until I had the first one flash freezing!)

Em-purpled!

Today we put the color on Elisabeth's walls.  Earlier in the week we primed all the surfaces getting them ready.  As you can tell from the picture her room has very little actual ceiling, the slanted walls nearly make a point over head. There is about 16 inches of level space with a flourescent light and acoustic tiles in between them.  Elisabeth hates the acoustic tiles. She is convinced bugs hide in them.  I am going to cover those with self stick wall paper.  We are replacing the really old, really ugly light fixture with a flat profile LED one that will fit the space the same way as the old flourescent one does. 

All the dingy trim has yet to be painted bright shiny white.  That is this weeks job.  We are also removing the heater in the picure so that her bed can be flush against the wall.  The rug and padding has all been removed and next weekend we will install the flooring if all goes well.  Purple is not my favorite color but the paint job came out well and she is happy with the transformations going on in her space.

Tonight we will have another fire in the fire pit and some adult beverages for those 18+ and marshmallows for all who like that kind of thing.  A nice end to a busy but fulfilling day.

Merry Everything!

It is Christmas Day and it has been magical and emotional and wonderful in ways I could not have imagined.  The only hard part was that Fiona decided at the 11th hour to go to the Big City and have her Christmas and birthday celebrations with members of her family who live there.  Rob and the rest of the kids were disappointed as was I.  I had planned her favorite meal, her choice of birthday dessert and of course there are gifts aplenty awaiting her.  We will get togethe at some point but it is unlikely that we will all be able to be here.  Rob typically works weekends which are the only times I am free and juggling around the kids regular responsibilities and part time jobs means maybe 3/5 of the family will be here when she decides to visit.  I am okay with that but it is likely Fiona will not be despite the fact that this change was here decision and not ours.

However the rest of our day has been beyond my imaginings.  KC asked that we get up 10 minutes before the rest of the family so that he could give my wife and I his gift privately.  I had no idea what it could possibly be but we agreed.  He wrote the most heartfelt loving letter to us that we both cried buckets reading it. Then he turned on the TV and he had made a video with a montage of pictures of the three of us as he has grown and a dance he had choreographed to a song called In Case you don't live forever.  I have watched it three times and bawled each time.  Most times I think we don't know how we touch one anothers lives (and that is ok) but in this rare magical instant, we know.

All the kids outdid themselves this year and being together is always my greatest gift.  I know that some time Rob will move out.  I know he has plans he is working toward. So every holiday he is here is a gift beyond measure to me.  Everyone's gifts were thoughtful and showed such love and care for the recipient.

Now a feast awaits and I plan to tuck in with abandon.  Happy Christmas, blessed Yule, Happy Hannukah--merry everything to everyone!

Happy Birthday Elisabeth!

 Tomorrow, I will have a newly minted teenager!  How is it possible that this sweet baby (who will of course always be my baby) is now entering their teen years.   Years of challenge and changes, tears and laughter, discovery of self and others.

I am one who often looks back over pictures.  They bring a smile (and sometimes a tear) to me.  I remember in that first picture how very little Elisabeth was. She is holding "Doll Doll" a stuffed sheep given to her when she came home by our friends who lived next door.  Doll Doll (though mightily worn through many years of loving) still sleeps in Elisabeth's bed each night.

 I remember when coordinating Easter outfits was a fun family thing.  Now, as older kids, they need to express their own sense of style and this is definately not an option any longer!

I remember when a trip for ice cream at a particular place was a refuge on a hot summer night.  Elisabeth is a huge fan of soft serve and they used to have 24 varieties of soft serve!  Sadly they are no longer in business but that smile and that cone bring them to mind.

My fearless child!  Elisabeth has always been the one to push her own limits and to test mine.  This picture is not the same year as the ice cream one--she loved that swim suit so much we had it in two sizes and they wore it for 4 years.  Younger than KC by 2 1/2 years I remember how she rocked this indoor water park challenge, even though   big brother was very timid about trying to navigate it.

 I have loved watching Elisabeth blossom as a dancer.  This picture was the first year she showed me she could do all her own make up without my assistance!  Only two years ago, yet the first of many things that will no longer need a mom's touch.

And Elisabeth just a week ago, as we prepared to hang a new ornament on our family Christmas tree.  In May they opted to cut their hair--something I had not done since birth--and at present the preferred hair style is just short curls.  This may also be part of Elisabeth's personal self discovery.  I have also been told that the preferred pronouns are they/their.  I am trying very hard to honor that. 

I believe so strongly that it is necessary to support our kids on their journeys, whatever that looks like.  But can I share that it is just hard  not to use her/she?  They feels plural and weird language to me. Can I share that I miss her long long locks (which by the time she cut them were about 4 inches longer than in the picture above)  But I keep reminding myself. This is their journey and life. I am just the one lucky enough to be along to watch the journey unfold.  Happy Birthday beloved Elisabeth!

Instant Love

Well, Instant Pot that is!  We got an instant pot about 6 months ago.  I am officially in love with it.  For me as a vegetarian I can cook whole grains and beans quickly and easily.  I can saute, slow cook and pressure cook all in the same pot.  Have I ever moaned about how much I hate doing dishes?  The IP means literally one pot to clean up.  My favorite veg things to make are hard boiled eggs, chili, vegetable soup, broccoli soup, refrieds, and black bean soup, risotto, cooked barley in tomato sauce and I am sure I am forgetting a host of others.  This has been a life saver since this year KC and Elisabeth are in different dance groups and much of my time is spent running between home and the studio.

However, the IP has also been helpful for cooking for my wife.  She works a different schedule from our family eating schedule and this has led to really unhealthy eating choices for her. (read fast food on a regular basis or skipping supper and enjoying a really big bowl of ice cream)  I get that when you get home around 7:30 or 8 no one wants to cook.  I suggested that I leave her a plate of whatever supper I had prepared for the family but she steadfastly declined. 

I eventually realized that this was because she no longer ate a vegetarian diet.  While I think that the veg diet would be healthier, that is not my choice.  The dilemma is that after 30 years of not eating meat, I really get grossed out by meat.  I am not being mean, it just literally grosses me out. BUT in the Instant Pot I don't really have to handle it.  I don't even have to look at it for long.  I know, some folks are probably doing that eye roll that happens when omnivores have to put up with vegetarians.  But it seriously is important to me. 

I suggested to her that we get some freezer storage bowls, similar to those used for TV dinners and I would make her some meals to freeze.  Then she pops it in the microwave when she gets home and all is good.  I have found a number of meals that she likes--honey garlic chicken is a favorite, as well as something called mississippi pot roast (which I used chuck roast for)  I did a beef stew that went over well and a hamburger stroganoff. For someone who will not taste test any of the meat dishes I make I consider that I have been uber successful!

I have also taught KC how to cook his penne for pasta in the IP  We have a gas stove and I prefer that the kids don't use the stove top when I am not around. The IP lets him cook his pasta and his taco meat in what seems more safety to me.

Kirsty has long expressed a desire to travel cross country in a tin can on wheels  camper when we retire.  I have not ever really loved that idea, though I do dearly want to see the country. I am jut not a camper kind of gal.  But with a small tent for me to sleep in, a camper for her, and an instant pot to cook with, it could work!

Girl Time

All right folks.  My tech skills are obviously a bit lacking tonight as for the life of me I can't make the picture anything but sideways.  And of course, we were not laying on our sides to take this picture.  Instead, my lovely Elisabeth and I had a girls afternoon at a hair care event in our city.  It was specifically for people of color and I was definately in the minority.  I didn't mind a bit.  It is important for Elisabeth, who is 11 now (and incidently HOW did my baby get to be 11?) to be surrounded by strong brown and black women. These women in addition to many owning their own businesses, know a lot about hair and self care.  People were friendly and easy to engage in conversation--course I am chatty by nature so you generally have to give me the cut direct for me to realize you don't want me hanging around!

They spoke knowledgeably about the dangers hidden in many of the cosmetics and hair products that are used.  They spoke on the importance of healthy diets and having a healthy self love.  There were free samples, free healthy food snacks and a time to talk and build connections.  She had a wonderful time and really enjoyed it.  She told me afterwards that it is usually hard to sit still so long but that this was interesting.  She is of an age where she has much more say (and often her own cash) involved in purchases and I feel that since she is such a fashion forward young woman, I want her to hopefully make smart choices that will enhance her beauty if that is what she wants, but not undermine her health.

We have had this gathering on our calendar for weeks but it was this weekend that a picture came through my Facebook feed of a TRA black child with a photo shoot in a cotton field with her white parents.  Seriously?  I have no words for the anger I feel at the insensitivity.  That lovely young lady could have been in a field of wildflowers if you were going for the nature look.  It did not have to be something associated with slavery and degradation of a people.

Do I think the parents intended it?  Nope, but I sure do think they were insensitive and that they need to do things like what we did today.  There have to be times my kids are not in the minority. Whether it is me being the only white face at a birth family reunion, or a gathering like this,  Adopting my children is not a case of them somehow becoming me with more melatonin.  It also means I have an obligation to honor and celebrate who they are and help them to feel positive about themselves.

Aside from all of that, it was just a "girl time" experience for Lissa and I. At 11 she is becoming a witty, sometimes sarcastic, but pretty clever and enjoyable companion.  It was a super fun experience.  I also came away with a contact for a photographer.  She was at the event and had a really calm demeanor.  We need to think about getting another family portrait done. The kids have changed so much since the last one.  Finding one that is a good fit for Chet can be a challenge but I really liked this woman's vibe.  We shall see.

Happy Birthday Rob June 2nd

Rob turned 22 yesterday.  It is hard to wrap my mind around that. The mom in me remembers the dinosaur themed birthday.  The year we had the bowling party with his friends.  The skateboard party and on and on. . But years have rolled by with increasing speed and he is a man now. And a good man.  No one is perfect and he certainly isn't but at the core, he is a just so good.  He is loving and caring.  Never will he be one for lots of words, but he is there showing his caring by the way he acts.  He's the kind of guy who gets his girl flowers just because.  Or who choses to make supper on a night he knows I have had a tough day.  Or who buys his brother and sister cool kicks because mean mom caps out the shoe budget at what I believe is a reasonable figure for growing feet! He is beloved by his siblings and we were all together to celebrate his day.  We had a lunch out at a restaurant of his choice and the meal was filled with lots of laughter and smiles and silliness.  (That is KC cracking up in one of the pictues and Fiona and Chet are laughing in a couple others.)  Lissa considers herself far too cool to giggle with abandon if there is a camera around!  It was special to be able to celebrate with Fiona here.

She and Lissa had a manicure first and Fi got her ears pierced after that.  So the lady folks were  all stylin by the time it came to lunch out to celebrate their brother.  After lunch we went home and had cake and gifts which left him a large part of the late afternoon and the evening to go and hang out with his friends.  Late that night he and his friends returned to our house for a campfire in the back yard.

The years have also woven birth and adoptive families together.  I always tag his first mother in the photos as well as the other first family members that I know.  I am friends (both IRL and via the internet with many of he and Fiona's first family but not all.) Those that I know continue the tagging of photos spreading news out to those in other states who want to know this child we share has grown, has thrived and is ready and eager to embrace all the world offers.

I feel lucky every time that we can celebrate with Rob.  I know that there are probably a finite number of such celebrations left to us.  He is fledging slowly but surely and is increasingly less consistantly available.  He has a wide circle of friends. He is a hard worker and I know in my heart that there will (and indeed, should) come a time when he will decide to take an apartment with a friend.  Someday birthday congratulations will be by computer and telephone so every moment we are able to celebrate together is precious to us all.  Happy birthday son.  Remember always that you are a most precious gift to your family and the world.

Growing faster and faster

Today I am very aware of how much our family is changing as the kids grow older.  Yesterday, Lissa went with a friend to an amusement park in a nearby state.  She wound up spending the night at her friends house and I picked her up this morning.  She eagerly regaled me with stories of all the "thrill" rides she went on.  She had a really excellent time and I am glad for her.

Last night after he finished work, Rob went to a friends house and was there till late, watching the Mayweather/McGregor match.  I was still slightly awake when he got home so he was able to tell me who won.

Today at noon KC left to go to a friends house for a party and won't return til 9ish.

All of these are good things.  We are doing our job as parents and our kids are fledging and growing--bravely trying new experiences, forging relationships, dreaming dreams.  It is exactly what I want, yet the moments are bittersweet  all the same.  Small hands no longer clasp mine, in fact almost all my kids are now taller than I am.  There are many things I love about parenting my kids as they get older.  The more in depth conversations we have; the movie nights we share together.  Jokes that have an increasingly more adult grasp of linguistic wordplay.  These all make me smile and are moments I treasure.

But I am very aware that their orbits are no longer firmly around me.  The gravity of friendships, interests, and new experiences has caused them to loop outward into their own orbits, only rocketing back to me periodically. KC is all ready talking of a part time job next year when he turns 14.  Lissa wants to volunteer at a local doggie day care when she turns 12. Whether I am ready for all this or not, time marches on. . .

Kayaking and phones that don't swim

Last week Lissa and I left mid week for a camping trip with dear friends of ours.  Our two families have camped together now for more years than I can count.  Our kids have been friends since they were young preschool aged wee ones.

In years past I had all the kids with me but this year marked the first time that it was only Lissa and I going.  KC wanted to stay here in town and complete his week of dance camp.  Chet opted to stay home, saying sleeping on the ground didn't appeal to him at the moment.  Rob had to work.  Lissa was still very excited though--so excited she opted to skip dance camp on Wednesday so we could hit the road early in the morning instead of after dance camp was done. (she was only supposed to be at camp through Wednesday, KC went all week)

So we did and I loved the time that it was just she and I .  It was such a different dynamic that rarely happens in our large and busy family.   She too, looks so grown up in this picture, that I snapped right when we got to the campground.  Time flies, it really does.

Unfortunately, this is the only picture I have of the days we spent together.  I took a number of great ones but on Thursday of our vacation we went kayaking.  First time for both of us. Our friends suggested it and they have kayaked on this particular river before.  We set off and most of the way was really delightful.  It was a six mile journey with lots of stops for the kids to play, snack snap pics, jump in the river, etc.  However as we journeyed on the skies began to darken and I worried that a pop up thunderstorm might be headed our way.  I expressed my concern to my friends who were stopping to do more river play.  We agreed that Lissa and I would journey on ahead (there were many other kayakers from the same outfit on the river so I knew I could not get lost or something weird like that)  I had been paddling for hours and felt relatively confident.  The river was low--I had to pull us across shallow areas numerous times.  So we agreed to meet up at the take out location and Lissa and I set off.  Sure enough shortly after that it began to rain, but thankfully NO thunder.  So we were safe, though damp and kind of chilly.  Lissa was getting tired and doing far less paddling.  But we paddled on and then rounded a corner on the river.  A tree was leaning out over the river and I remember telling Lissa to push us away from that with her paddle as we were headed too close to it.  I don't know if she did or not but the next thing we knew, the tree had ensnared us and we were being pushed backward by it. The kayak began to fill with water as it tilted and we capsized.  Apparently said overhanding tree disguised a rapid little current of water there.  It was not over our heads but it did terrify poor Lissa.  I held onto her and the kayak and all our belongings went down river.  We had life jackets on so we were safe and I was not letting go of her because she was hysterical.   Someone who was playing on the banks a short distance from us saw the mishap and came to assist.  I passed Lissa across to him so that she had hands on her the whole time.  Then I climbed out of the river myself.

Amazingly all our belongings except my  beloved NFL hat and our sunscreen were recovered.  Lissa was not hurt. I got an epic bruise on my right arm but it has never pained me.  We were fine.  Shaken but fine.  My friends arrived to find us all ready loading up back into our kayak ready to paddle the last wee bit to the take out spot.  I felt it was really important for Lissa to see that this could happen and we would not tip over again.  Regardless of my efforts though, she is not feeling any kayak love.

My phone was drenched and died despite my immediately plopping it in a box of rice pilaf in my camping kit when we hit dry land.  Hence my lovely shots are lost and remain only in my memory.  But I remember my tall strong daughter on a giant boulder in the middle of the river. I remember looking down at polished river stones in amazingly clear water, deer prints on the sand bar, and laughter.

The event was also a bit of PSA for life jackets.  I made Lissa wear her jacket and I wore mine.  My friends did not and Lissa was miffed.  I said that sometimes stuff happens and you don't know when it might happen, but that this was a way to make sure we stayed safe.  It was indeed a key part in our overall safety when the accident occurred.  So yes.  Wear the life jacket people.  I am a good swimmer. I am still glad we had them on.  I also learned a bit too late, that Otter box makes a "dry box" that would have kept my phone safe and dry.  I'll have the "phone life jacket" next time too!

Thinking and living deeply

There are the days when my emo teen feels like he will drive me round the bend.  Days when his sister "the tweenager" does the same.  There are also some wonderful conversations and experiences happening.

One convo that I treasure was with KC about a week ago.  He is thinking about the fact that next year he is old enough to get a job.  He wants a job  phone and knows he has to have a job to obtain said phone.  There are several markets in our community that are good first jobs for kids.  Rob worked at one of them and that may help the hire process as Rob was a great worker.

KC was concerned about how to address people.  He knows that if he is stocking shelves people will likely come to him and ask questions.  His concern was that in todays society, saying sir or ma'am might not be polite.  "What if someone is trans and I can't tell?" was his question.  I was so proud of him for thinking deeply about this, for having the compassion to see that speaking to people in the way they see themselves is important.

We talked about how the interaction in the job he is likely to obtain would not necessarily require sir,ma'am or anything to help someone out.  A friendly smile and a comment like "oh we have those in aisle 2 should I show you?" would work out just fine.  If it was someone he was meeting where a more in depth relationship/conversation was to unfold, it was totally fine to either use their name or ask how they preferred to be addressed. He is my sensitive, deep thinking soul.  But in particular this level of sensitivity makes me have hope in the harsh world we presently reside in.

Last night the two kids and I went to our church to help stock for today's monthly food pantry.  There is a ton of set up work to do and we have always had dance commitments that kept us from helping. With no dance in the summer and no camping trip this weekend we were free to help.  KC was a huge help lugging boxes, breaking down and disposing of recycling and keeping things organized.

Lissa and I worked together packing large boxes of eggs into one dozen boxes.  Then when we finished, she wandered over to a table where a bunch of store brand small pies were located.  Her sharp eye picked up on the fact that she saw one pie with mold on it.  She then decided to make it her mission to check every single pie to make sure it was safe and good quality.  There were a LOT of pies probably about 100.

I had finished my task and things were wrapping up.  We had a 30 minute drive home ahead of us and had worked for 2 hours.  I confess I was tired.  I asked her if she'd like me to help her finish up the quality control.  She looked at me and said "I've got this. I'm just fine.  Go find someone to talk to!"  (My love of chatting is fairly legendary in our home!)  It was clear that she really owned this job and that it was not fair to jump in and help.  I took her advice and found someone to chat with for the remaining 10 or 12 minutes that she needed to complete the job.

I am grateful that all my kids seem to mostly live with compassion and think of others.  We need that in this world.

Coming of Age

I'm feeling like this is a pretty emotional weekend.  You could start with right now.  The fact that I am in a house with no kids in it.  At all.  Like zero.  For the first time in about 13 years.  The picture above is part of the reason why.  KC is away on the final part of his Coming of Age year at church. It is an overnight retreat in a state near us.  Before they left for their retreat we gathered in the space above for a short ceremony to send our "kids" off. They will return as more than kids.  Not adults, but having symbolically left childhood behind.  On the sanctuary space you can see in the back ground the masks that they made as part of this experience.  KC's is the one on the left with the blue hair.  It was a very empowering experience for him to make a mask and think about what he shares with the world and what he chooses to keep hidden behind an invisible mask.

This weekend too, will be transforming for him.  KC has never wanted to stray far from home.  Or far from us, for that matter. As an infant he craved skin to skin contact more than any of my children.  As a toddler he loved to play but wanted to have me close, and involved.  As a young elementary aged child he never ever wanted to stay the night away from home.  He loved having friends over but was very anxious at the thought of being away from home.  Tonight, he will sleep with 14 other friends from church and trusted mentors.  He is ready.  I am excited for him and I was pretty dry eyed through the ceremony.  Then I came home and a sweet note was pinned to our dry erase board.  Written in green marker--green is always the KC color at our house--it read

Dear Ooma and Mom,
Right now I'm probably having an awesome time.  But I love you and really miss you.  Keep Maui happy. (his cat) Drink a small bit of wine and please send me WARM HUGS love you lots, KC

My darling, brave funny and talented son--so many warm hugs are headed your way.

While he is off, Lissa is at a sleep over at a friends house.  Tomorrow  I will meet her there as Karen is having a pot luck Mothers Day brunch and Lissa and Karen's two girls are helping to organize the crafts that the kids will do while we ladies chat.

Tomorrow night Rob is taking his girl friend to her prom.  I can't wait for pictures!  But so much. So soon.  Truly one day they can't tie their shoe and the next, they fledge. They fly, they make you think they are going to crash.  And then, they catch an updraft, and soar.

Ups and Downs

This past weekend was a whirlwind of activity. It was recital weekend, two days of crazy busy as the youngers acted and danced their way through the school's production of Frozen.  This was the first year that KC had a real acting part, in addition to his 5 dances.  Lissa had a hip hop number.  It was a weekend filled with costumes and make  up, keeping kids fed and somewhat calm and rested.  It was a weekend where over the course of 2 days many friends and family kindly come out to watch and support my two dancers.

Fiona always comes home to go to the production with me on the last day. (the first day of production I was working back stage)  She has always been excited to do this and as the little kids always went into the Big City for all of her school events, she has enjoyed coming to see them.  After the last performance we also always go out for pizza.

Fi was happy and engaged during the performance and on the way to the pizza place.  However right after we placed our order it all went south. Really fast and quite badly.  She didn't want to get her beverage from the machine so I suggested she just hold onto the cup so she could get it later if she was thirsty.  She refused to sit in the booth with us and sat at an adjacent table, shaking salt all over the table and swishing it around with her fingers.

I tried giving her space.  In the grand scheme of things, I can clean up salt. LOL  I tried engaging her in private conversation after a few minutes--no luck.  Meanwhile I am also trying to keep things positive for the youngers who have looked forward to this and are shocked that big sis is acting this way.  We play some word games together and the food arrives.  I ask Fiona if she wants her pizza at her table or if she wants to come sit with us.  She bolts out of the restaurant.

I go outside to try and get her back inside.  She spewed angry words.  None of it made any sense.  Suddenly she was hating me. Hating the littles.  Wanting staff to get her immediately. (staff is 20 minutes away at best, so that can't happen.) Refusing to come in. Refusing to eat.  I was baffled because in all our years together the one thing Fiona has never done with me is bolt like that.

I felt really nervous because I had to leave the younger kids in the restaurant which was thankfully not crowded, alone while I tried to calm Fi and get her to come back in.  I did get her to walk inside so I could pack up pizza in a box for the kids to eat on the way to take her home.

Fiona cried a bit on the way but I know when she is that upset she can't talk, so I just played some music on the radio and got her back to the house.  Inside she screamed to staff that she wanted to be left alone and took off for her room.

It was a hard ending and not what any of us had expected or hoped for.  I think my calmness kept things from getting worse, but I do know that KC and Lissa were disappointed.  It also has made me table for the moment, going on vacation to NH with Fiona and the youngers.  I can't leave them home because of my wife's work schedule and now I don't trust that Fiona will not melt down 90 minutes from home, leaving me with a volatile young woman to try and stabalize with the two younger kids.  Logistically I am not sure I can keep everyone safe under those circumstances.

The hardest part of all this is that Fiona is still not really able to impart what triggered her anger and meltdown.  I can't fix something--or even plan to avert something--when I don't know what the trigger was.  There was nothing said that anyone argued about, so I have to guess it was something that somehow replayed an old memory that likely had nothing to do with any of us.  But it also marks the third consecutive visit with issues at some level.  Sigh.

Going to get my hair did!

Time--free time that is, is that rarest of commodities lately.  Work is very busy, we are in the midst of audit cycles right now.  College is winding down for the semester for Rob, but he has projects and special things associated with wrapping up the semester that are demanding his time and attentions.  Also raising havoc with our otherwise predictable train schedules.

We are coming closer to dance recital weekend for the youngers and that has also made for extra scheduling challenges.  KC is in the production number at the end (as well as 5 dances) so he has extra practice sessions at the school on days and times that we don't usually allocate to dance.

My homeschooled kids have more friends than I probably had in my entire 12 years of public school and weekends have been peppered with birthday party invites.

Fiona has been home for visits, some have been good, others have been a struggle for her.  Overall I think she is doing better than she has in quite some time.  But I also have some first family issues that may require my attention.  It's not bloggable and what's going on is not a danger.  But it still requires some input from me.  And it feels odd to have some of the first family coming to me and saying that they needed my help handling a situation involving another family member and Fiona.

My wife's business has been off the hook busy and so when I am home I have tried to take on more of the house chores to lighten her load.

But tomorrow?  Tomorrow is a day with a big chunk of it carved out just.for.me.  You all have no idea how weird that is.  My idea of "me time" is reading while I wait up for Rob to get home from work.  I finish my piece work by 10 or 10:30 and read till 11:30 when he gets home on Friday and Saturdays.  And as much as I love to read, well a body needs a bit of pampering.  So tomorrow I am taking the day off from work and getting my hair done.

Done how? Haven't a clue.  I have "bad" hair.  Unlike my girls hair, my hair doesn't stay where you put it. It is thin  and lifeless. It has no body.  It has well,no pizzazz. I'm not thinking tomorrow will give it pizzazz but at least it will be a nice cut and maybe highlights or foils or something daring and decadent to welcome spring.

It's not going to take all day but I will use the rest of the time to do all the chores I normally allocate to Saturday. This Saturday I am taking the kids up to Maine to see my mom.  We usually go for Maple Sugar Sunday but this year that fell on Easter so we didn't go.  Christmas Eve was when we saw her last.  I had planned to go up in February or March but for most of February and all of March one or the other of us was ill.  She is old enough now that I don't want to risk bringing germs so we waited for spring and better health for us all.

Busy?  Sure, but blessed also!

Joy

I have been the recipient of the family plague.  Congestion, coughing, chills, lots of fun.  I am on week 2 and despite the note of whining you may detect in the above sentences, I am not deathly ill.  For the most part I have been able to totter  toddle along fairly well.  But the coughing thing is hard and annoying so I did something I almost never do, and asked for a substitute teacher for my RE class.  An hour and 15 minutes of nearly constant talking in a hot dry room would not work particularly well.  And when the parents arrived to hear me hacking like a TB patient in one of those old movies, they would also be likely to be annoyed.

So although today is a "lazy" day for me, the days up till today have not been.  Thursday was Fiona's team meeting for her annual review and planning.  Her worker from DDS was there, as was her house manager, her behavioral specialist, and others who help along the way.  It was by far the best meeting that we have had.  Fiona did an amazing job advocating for herself and articulating things that she would like to achieve.  The DDS worker and I helped Fiona to open up and explain what made her uncomfortable with the experience. This helped us to suggest changes to the process so that she might be able to achieve success.

The DDS worker also makes unannounced visits to the home that Fi lives in.  Apparently this is mandated so that she can make sure all is as it should be.  Unfortunately, partly due to the way the DDS worker presents herself and partly due to Fiona's own lack of understanding, Fiona hates this. She feels that DDS is putting "her business" out for the other peers in the home to be knowing.  Intensely private, this has caused Fi to have a full blown meltdown and numerous late night calls to me when these visits occured.  I brought it up, trying to frame it in a way that did not embarrass Fi, anger DDS etc.  I thankfully succeeded and there was a good explanation to Fi about what is really going on when DDS visits.  A plan was made on a place for Fiona to go and wait for the worker so that she was not sitting with peers and feeling anxious.  Fingers crossed that it works.

After the meeting, Fiona asked if she could take me to lunch and we went to a sub shop together and chatted some more and just relaxed.  It was really great to see her feeling positive about this and feeling like these were goals that she achieved.

Then yesterday, Cousin N came out to do the maintenance session for Lissa's locks. They are coming along beautifully and it was fun to hang out while she did Lissa's hair. Fiona was home for the visit and N brought her daughter C who hung out with KC and Fiona and Rob while Lissa got her hair done.  I cooked a big lunch for everyone and there was also an epic nerf gun battle.

Blending families, understanding where we all come from and what gifts and challenges we bring to relationships takes time.  N and I have a really blooming friendship.  Lissa considers her her "big cousin" and N is deeply touched and considers us family as well.  Just watching everyone interact together and listening to the laughter and sharing the dreams fills me  with joy.

It's a Loc!

Today Lissa got her long awaited locs!  This was such an emotional journey at so many levels.  One of  the things I am acutely aware of is the importance of hair within the black culture.  That well groomed hair signifies more than I think it does for "white folks."  Well groomed hair shows love, familial attention, and is really regarded as the girls crowning glory.  I won't even get into the "good" hair debate, but knowledge of proper hair care is hugely important.  Needless to say, I realized from the day we brought Lissa home that I would need to learn to do things with hair that were very different from what I did with mine.  (for the record that would consist of absently running a comb through my hair)  I learned hair types and moisturizers, co-washes and braiding. I learned twists and up-dos, protective styles and satin bonnets.  I saturated myself in as much knowledge as I could so that my baby would never feel that her hair did not look good or that she looked like no one in her family knew how to care for kinky coily hair.

I found that I loved working with her hair.  It did things that my hair can't.  Namely it stayed where I  put it! It was fun accessorizing and learning new techniques. But my princess is also a very active diva and she also began to make it known to me that she didn't love weekly hair sessions.  She liked the one on one time, but the sitting? Not so much. More than a year ago she saw locs and told me she wanted them.

I confess that initially my heart stopped. There is much written about how white parents handle their black children's hair.  A number of parents have done locs because they didn't know/want to care for their children's hair and their perception is that this would be easier.  (which in some ways is I think true) I did not want anyone thinking that I was doing this for that reason because I wasn't.  I also was worried because Lissa might change her mind a year or two from now.  Which would necesitate what is commonly called "The Big Chop."  Now a hair cut is not the end of the world, but Lissa's has never been cut.  Ever.  When it is wet, it goes 1/2 way down her back.  Eeks.

Rob and Fiona's cousin N is a fantastic stylist.  Not only is she pleasant and gifted with hair but she makes house calls! She is a travelling stylist and I LOVE this!  We talked and she put my mind at ease so today was the day. Locing day!

She came at 10:30 and by 3:00 Lissa's head was done.  The locs were first put into bantu knots to give them a rest while they dried and the beautiful curl that you see in the picture.  And I have spent the evening thinking what a blessed and amazing experience this journey has been.  Lissa and I have been enfolded in familial and community love during this.  We gathered in our kitchen for the day, laughing, eating sharing stories and doing hair.  It was probably the most intensely female experience that I have ever had.  Interestingly the boys all stayed away.  They would come get food that I cooked but carried it off to other rooms to eat and do whatever manly things were on their minds (or tablets!) I really think there was just so much feminine energy in the kitchen that they didn't want to hang out there.

There was strengthening extended family ties.  N and i have become good friends over the years and genuinely enjoy being together.  Adoption is about such a wide circle and my kids are all blessed by how big that circle is and how much love is shared.

There was affirmation for Lissa on how beautiful her hair is.  This is of huge importance to me.  I want her to love her hair.  In our community many black women perm their hair.  Natural hair is less common--flat irons, blow outs and perms are a bit more the norm.  I want Lissa to see the beauty that her hair has and not feel compelled to try and mimic what her hair is not--namely straight caucasian style hair.

And lastly, there was validation for me.  N loved the products that I use on Lissa. She said what great condition Lissa's hair was in, how well hydrated it was (black hair needs to be fed lots of moisture) and that there was no damage. Truly, music to my ears!

The only sad part of the day was that Fiona had an incident at her group home and couldn't be here with us as we had planned.  However I tried to reassure Fi that this is not the only time N will come out and we will have time for us to all be together again soon.

Lissa's hair

Today was a busy day.  KC was tied up with a group from his dance school. They visited area assisted living facilities and performed for them.  He was so excited that he was old enough to be part of this at last.  He woke extra early this morning, breakfasting and getting dressed very early "just to be ready, Ooma."  He was tired but grinning when I picked him up at the end of the day, happy that he had brought joy to others, happy to have danced all day.

The rest of the gang and I went to church, I love that Rob has continued to want to go to church and that our church is so intentional about the young adult population being welcomed and affirmed in such healthy ways.

Back home there was as always, cleaning to do.  After fetching KC and cooking supper I needed to finish Lissa's hair.  I was putting it in medium sized braids until N comes out Saturday to put in her locs. I was thinking while I worked on her hair how much I love it.  Her hair is thick, really really thick.  It is very tightly coiled, but soft and healthy.  When it is wet it is really long. Even dry, if I braid it, it goes part way down her back.

I was petrified of "doing hair" when I first became a mom of black children.  I am well aware of the cultural importance of doing it "right" but I am equally aware of the fact as there are in any population, there are black folks who know how to do hair and black people who do not. Winnowing out the true knowledge from the folk lore was a time consuming mission for a few years.

Doing the hair of a very active on the go child was a challenge too.  Lissa till recently did not like to sit for more than 20 minutes.  So I had to create styles that looked cute that I added to each day for a period of days.  It sounds weird, but it did work.  And she has gotten easier as she got older.  Tonight she sat contentedly for the hour plus while I finished conditioning and detangling, and finally, braiding her hair.

I was thinking about how much I honestly love having my hands in her hair when I saw a picture on line of an elderly black woman having her hair braided.  And I thought about how lucky I am to have this opportunity for focussed time with my daughter.  It is just us and we chat or not, but are present only with each other for that time.

As she has gotten older she has begun to learn a bit of what I do to keep her hair healthy and to have more input into style etc. We have talked about why we don't relax her hair. Why we don't color her hair, why her hair is long and lush and how we keep it that way. There is a special bond that comes with "hair time" and I think that it is somewhat unique to black hair.  I am privileged to have the opportunity to share that with Lissa.