It occurs to me that I didn't write about the other half of our weekend. We went to the state my mom lives in for a maple sugar festival. Her state does a festival every year on the last Sunday in March. We went once, when KC was still really little (maybe 1 1/2) but in the remaining intervening years we have not been able to go due to a variety of circumstances. Most involved one or all of us being deathly ill. This year, Kirsty said she was giving up on maple sugar Sunday and taking her Mom's runaway day that day. If I wanted to bet that we would be healthy enough to go, I would have to take the tribe to it on my own. Gulp. I have never driven to this state on my own. I am without a doubt the most directionally impaired person you could ever meet. When we re-sided our home we kept the color the same as the old asbestos tiles because everyone said I'd drive right past the house otherwise. I laughed but acknowledge the possibility they may have been right.
OK so I signed on for this trip. Kids were stoked. We were going to a farm and then stopping at my mom's for lunch. I admit it was slightly demented to do this after our trip into the Big City the day before, but I am all about going for the gusto.
I went to bed at 10:30 Saturday figuring I needed to get a good nights rest. I woke up at quarter to 1 with the worst stomach pain I have ever had in my life. Truly I wanted to die. I wasn't sick. Just had this horrible horrible pain. I was awake till about 5 a.m. Fell asleep and woke again at 6 because I still hurt. I gave up and got up.
Figured we would skip the festival, except when I told the kids, KC said "but this was my day to see my grandma." Big tears rolled down his face. I think had he pitched a fit, I would have been angry. Felt sorry for myself and how crappy I felt. But he was so sincere. So we got in the car and went.
We saw oxen, watched how sap got boiled down over open fires in the past, saw the newfangled systems used today,listened to some great fiddle music, and bought some maple treats for the kids and my mom. Then went to my mom's for lunch and got back to our house by 4 p.m. or so. And the picture of my kids petting the oxen has kept me smiling all week.
Oh, and by Monday night I felt great again. I would have been kicking myself all week if we had missed the trip!
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Processing the Visit
Fiona called last night with Jane and we processed the visit (sort of) and had our usual chat. It was more of hte latter and a bit of the former. What Fiona did want to know from me was what her brother Rob would like to talk about as she felt he was very quiet. I explained that at his age Rob is all about sports so she has made a plan to talk to someone at her school about the Red Sox or the Patriots. I tried to also get across gently that Rob is the kind of guy who will talk a bit (heavy stress on bit) like have those 3 or 4 sentences and then that is it for a while. Unlike Fiona who has always been a talker, Rob is more like Dee their bio-brother who is also on the quieter side. The plus here was that Fiona was really explaining herself well when she talked with me about this. I was impressed at the flash of maturity that I could see in this part of the conversation.
We are looking toward a June visit, which Jane emailed later that Fiona was a little sad it was so far out. However I also know that Fiona has no time sense and by the day after tomorrow (or today!) she will most likely not feel upset about it.
The little kids clamored for turns to talk to her and I suspect she could hear that over the phone. Actually I suspect people in other counties heard it! LOL Jane sent me another email thanking me for the visit and saying that she thought I must have been exhausted by the trip. Oddly I wasn't; I think I was just so excited and nervous about seeing Fiona again that it tamped down anything else that I could possibly feel.
We are looking toward a June visit, which Jane emailed later that Fiona was a little sad it was so far out. However I also know that Fiona has no time sense and by the day after tomorrow (or today!) she will most likely not feel upset about it.
The little kids clamored for turns to talk to her and I suspect she could hear that over the phone. Actually I suspect people in other counties heard it! LOL Jane sent me another email thanking me for the visit and saying that she thought I must have been exhausted by the trip. Oddly I wasn't; I think I was just so excited and nervous about seeing Fiona again that it tamped down anything else that I could possibly feel.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Going on a Whale Watch!
Some weeks ago the wildlife sanctuary where we do a lot of homeschool related classes asked if we were interested in participating in a whale watch experience. I asked Rob and KC and they were very excited. Lissa would of course be going too. Chet with his motion sickness issues would not. I called and said I would love to bring the 3 kids. They started registering me and when they got to Lissa there was a big ole "oh no" from their end of the phone line. They felt Lissa at 3 was too young to go.
OK, no problem, I said. Take us off the list, because while she may not know whales from goldfish snacks she is sure going to know her brothers got a cool boat ride and she didn't. And my girl has LUNGS and it truly wasn't worth hurting her feelings. I realize that I am rather odd. We mostly do things together and I find that by and large littles who are properly supervised can enjoy experiences that are older than their calendar age.
They reconsidered! They called today and said all of us could go and they could do transportation from our central Mass location to the ocean. How totally cool is that? I all ready submitted and got my vacation day request approved. So think good weather thoughts for April 23rd when the 3 kids and I will sail the seas looking for whales!
OK, no problem, I said. Take us off the list, because while she may not know whales from goldfish snacks she is sure going to know her brothers got a cool boat ride and she didn't. And my girl has LUNGS and it truly wasn't worth hurting her feelings. I realize that I am rather odd. We mostly do things together and I find that by and large littles who are properly supervised can enjoy experiences that are older than their calendar age.
They reconsidered! They called today and said all of us could go and they could do transportation from our central Mass location to the ocean. How totally cool is that? I all ready submitted and got my vacation day request approved. So think good weather thoughts for April 23rd when the 3 kids and I will sail the seas looking for whales!
Monday, March 29, 2010
Are visits earned?
I had a great email from Jane at work today. Actually it was a copy of an email she sent to Fiona's treatment team detailing Saturday's visit. It was great to sort of see the visit through her eyes and there was such happiness in what she wrote, and such kindness in her words about us that I glowed all day.
My mom I think, doesn't get any of this. I know she cares about Fiona in a sort of detached way. But she thinks I "think about her too much." And she told me that she was glad the visit had gone well and was over, because it must have been an ordeal. I know she meant that in a nice way. But ordeal? That is not exactly the word that sprang to my mind, or that I thought my details would convey. OK I let that one slide.
Then today when I told her about Jane's comments, and that we would plan another visit, she said that Fiona should "earn" them. Sigh. There was my mom, in the same rut that so many clinicians had been in during the years I have been part of Fi's life. And it. does. not. work.
See in order for that type of thinking to work, there are several big things that have to exist.
1. The person has to believe that they are worthy of the reward. Not only does Fiona not believe that, I don't think being with family should be a reward.
2. The person has to have some level of time sense and an ability to wait for things. Fiona due to cognitive delays and mental health issues does not. She doesn't know the days of the week. She can say them, but they don't have a time relevance for her and she doesn't notice their passing. She can not comprehend a calendar. A reward program for Fiona has to have virtually immediate gratification. i.e. no outbursts= a reward that day. This type of situation doesn't lend itself to family visits which can not be with that level of frequency and that spontaneous given the distance involved.
I don't mind that my mom doesn't know that. I do mind that I don't think she wants to learn.
My mom I think, doesn't get any of this. I know she cares about Fiona in a sort of detached way. But she thinks I "think about her too much." And she told me that she was glad the visit had gone well and was over, because it must have been an ordeal. I know she meant that in a nice way. But ordeal? That is not exactly the word that sprang to my mind, or that I thought my details would convey. OK I let that one slide.
Then today when I told her about Jane's comments, and that we would plan another visit, she said that Fiona should "earn" them. Sigh. There was my mom, in the same rut that so many clinicians had been in during the years I have been part of Fi's life. And it. does. not. work.
See in order for that type of thinking to work, there are several big things that have to exist.
1. The person has to believe that they are worthy of the reward. Not only does Fiona not believe that, I don't think being with family should be a reward.
2. The person has to have some level of time sense and an ability to wait for things. Fiona due to cognitive delays and mental health issues does not. She doesn't know the days of the week. She can say them, but they don't have a time relevance for her and she doesn't notice their passing. She can not comprehend a calendar. A reward program for Fiona has to have virtually immediate gratification. i.e. no outbursts= a reward that day. This type of situation doesn't lend itself to family visits which can not be with that level of frequency and that spontaneous given the distance involved.
I don't mind that my mom doesn't know that. I do mind that I don't think she wants to learn.
We are family
OK, one of the weird things I obcess about is what we are to Fiona. I think in part this is because when you deal with all the professional folks that are part of this young woman's life, they have to categorize you. So I have worn many hats, so to speak. I have been the pre-adoptive mom. I have been the educational surrogate. I have been the visiting resource. Then she got yanked way the heck away from us and i wasn't able to be even a visiting resource. When I would call and try and get updates from the social worker at the time, she would not return my calls in a timely manner. I get that they are overworked; I am too. But 2 seconds to tell me that the child is getting my mail? You can't do that? You can't tell me if she is stable? Seriously, I had the DSS unit on speed dial at work because I would leave messages about 3 times a day for 2 to 3 weeks in order to get a call back.
Then there were the placements where clinicians stressed to me that 'all' I was was Fiona's brothers adoptive mom. The implication was sad. It was like I had no place in her life. That none of us did except Rob. And saddest of all, Rob is still trying to sort out their relationship and his very conflicted feelings surrounding Fiona. He doesn't write to her. He does talk briefly on the phone, and now that we can visit occasionally, he does participate in that. And he seems happy when we visit, but somewhat guarded. But he had years of being afraid of her. Then he had a lot of time when at the insistance of social workers I dragged him to visits with Fiona when it meant missing times with the friends that he had made. We would make the 90 minute one way trip only to find she was raging and could not see us. Then we would drive 90 minutes home and the party he had been invited to was all ready done. Trust me, this doesn't make for great sibling bonding.
So the short version is that I have become accustomed to elaborate justication when talking with each new clinician. I tell them the whole story (because I have found they usually don't know it for whatever reason). I explain that regardless of the fact that I am not legally anything to Fiona, that I love her. That people should not just disappear from someone's life because they are not able to live together. That constancy is the one gift I can give her. Some of them get it, some fight me. Luckily the school she is in now supports this type of connection. But the years of justification have left me wandering in that no mans land of -what am I?
Clearly I am dense. Because on Saturday when we were at the library, KC proudly told the librarian that after we got done there, we would be going on a bus, a train and a taxi. The librarian asked him if he was going to go see a special show. Without missing a beat, KC said "no, just going to go visit some family."
Then there were the placements where clinicians stressed to me that 'all' I was was Fiona's brothers adoptive mom. The implication was sad. It was like I had no place in her life. That none of us did except Rob. And saddest of all, Rob is still trying to sort out their relationship and his very conflicted feelings surrounding Fiona. He doesn't write to her. He does talk briefly on the phone, and now that we can visit occasionally, he does participate in that. And he seems happy when we visit, but somewhat guarded. But he had years of being afraid of her. Then he had a lot of time when at the insistance of social workers I dragged him to visits with Fiona when it meant missing times with the friends that he had made. We would make the 90 minute one way trip only to find she was raging and could not see us. Then we would drive 90 minutes home and the party he had been invited to was all ready done. Trust me, this doesn't make for great sibling bonding.
So the short version is that I have become accustomed to elaborate justication when talking with each new clinician. I tell them the whole story (because I have found they usually don't know it for whatever reason). I explain that regardless of the fact that I am not legally anything to Fiona, that I love her. That people should not just disappear from someone's life because they are not able to live together. That constancy is the one gift I can give her. Some of them get it, some fight me. Luckily the school she is in now supports this type of connection. But the years of justification have left me wandering in that no mans land of -what am I?
Clearly I am dense. Because on Saturday when we were at the library, KC proudly told the librarian that after we got done there, we would be going on a bus, a train and a taxi. The librarian asked him if he was going to go see a special show. Without missing a beat, KC said "no, just going to go visit some family."
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Fiona's Visit a Success!
We are safely home from our trek to the big city. It had a few glitches but all went well. The first glitch was my stupidity when I tossed our back pack in the back of the Scion. I did not notice that the thin top strap was entangled with the mechanism that closes the door. Got to the train station adn the back of the car would not open and when I discovered why, I could not yank the strap loop free. Being not one to miss a visit for my lack of brain cells I literally walked up to the first person I saw and asked if they had a sewing kit and could try to cut the strap off. (it helped that this was a woman!) And she did have a kit with scissors. And her husband manfully used those dinky little scissers to saw through the strap and we boarded our bus with time to spare.
The change to a train was uneventful and fun. We got seats that faced each other which was reassuring to the kids. We got to the ending station in the Big City. It was cold. Freezing in fact. And hordes of people were in town for a major league hockey game. I sure pick my travel dates well! LOL But I found a security officer who happily pointed me to the right exit (there are many and i wasn't hauling kids around to test them out!) and i called the cab that Jane had said would transport us. 15 minutes they said. The problem being that the kids were turning into popsicles. 8 minutes into the wait, I caved, called and cancelled the cab and hopped in one in a long line of cabs waiting in front of me. He GPS'd the school and we were there in jig time.
It is a beautiful place. If you have had kids in RTC's you know there are good ones and down right crappy ones. And ones that try hard and fall somewhere in between. I have honestly seen the good the bad and the ugly in my years with Fiona. This is the creme de la creme of schools. It is warm, inviting and well kept. It is in a fairly tony neighborhood and though a part of the Big City, it is quiet. No blaring horns etc. Quiet parks around it, nice play spaces, sunny bright class rooms. I am in love with this place.
We toured the whole area. We played basketball, we talked. And the time flew by far too quickly. No time for scrapbooks or crafts as before we knew it, Jane was letting us know that the cab to bring us back to the train station was on the way.
I know I have more to say about this day. So much is swirling in my head. But I am tired and no one wants to read a book. We'll make it like one of those installment novels from by-gone days! LOL (no I am not old enough to remember those, but my mom told me about how a chapter would be in the newspaper each week when she was growing up!)
For now, it is enough to be safely home. To know that Fiona truly knows we love her. To know that we can see her again.
The change to a train was uneventful and fun. We got seats that faced each other which was reassuring to the kids. We got to the ending station in the Big City. It was cold. Freezing in fact. And hordes of people were in town for a major league hockey game. I sure pick my travel dates well! LOL But I found a security officer who happily pointed me to the right exit (there are many and i wasn't hauling kids around to test them out!) and i called the cab that Jane had said would transport us. 15 minutes they said. The problem being that the kids were turning into popsicles. 8 minutes into the wait, I caved, called and cancelled the cab and hopped in one in a long line of cabs waiting in front of me. He GPS'd the school and we were there in jig time.
It is a beautiful place. If you have had kids in RTC's you know there are good ones and down right crappy ones. And ones that try hard and fall somewhere in between. I have honestly seen the good the bad and the ugly in my years with Fiona. This is the creme de la creme of schools. It is warm, inviting and well kept. It is in a fairly tony neighborhood and though a part of the Big City, it is quiet. No blaring horns etc. Quiet parks around it, nice play spaces, sunny bright class rooms. I am in love with this place.
We toured the whole area. We played basketball, we talked. And the time flew by far too quickly. No time for scrapbooks or crafts as before we knew it, Jane was letting us know that the cab to bring us back to the train station was on the way.
I know I have more to say about this day. So much is swirling in my head. But I am tired and no one wants to read a book. We'll make it like one of those installment novels from by-gone days! LOL (no I am not old enough to remember those, but my mom told me about how a chapter would be in the newspaper each week when she was growing up!)
For now, it is enough to be safely home. To know that Fiona truly knows we love her. To know that we can see her again.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Planes Trains and Automobiles
Well really I think it is taxis, trains and automobiles! The big trip to see Fiona is coming up on Saturday and her clinicians and I are working hard to hammer out the last details. We are overprogramming so that there will be no awkward moments. My kids all respond at their best in situations where they are doing something. And they will have had a long train ride as well so I am all about incorporating energy burns. I have to stop at the local craft store tonight to get stuff for a quick and easy cooperative craft. I am thinking some kind of wall hanging that we could each make and everyone could work on a piece of everyone elses. We are bringing pictures to add to Fiona's scrapbook. The kids are choosing theirs tonight and i printed mine off this morning. I chose the picture of my Easter clothes. Since Fiona just went on a shopping trip I thought she would love to see what I got via my mail order shopping trip. And she really is all about style so I think it will be well received. We will bring the camera to take pictures. I will bring lots of healthy and semi healthy snack foods. My kids eat lots of mini meals when we travel to keep blood sugars stable and tummys settled.
Apparently when I arrive at the train station in the Big City I can use my cell phone and call a cab company that the school contracts with for vouchers and thus I don't have to pay for the cab to the school. That is really nice and very helpful. The idea of either trying to navigate my way there via subway or jumping out into the street trying to find a cab were causing a certain amount of stress on my part.
I am sort of nervous about this. It has been almost 6 years since we have seen Fiona. KC was still in an infant car seat when she was moved by the state far away from us and she has had 2 hospitalizations and 2 other treatment placements since that day. I remember crying all the way back from our goodbye dinner and feeling like some part of me had been ripped away. Since that time I have always kept in contact with weekly notes, calls when allowed, but this is different. It feels good. It feels exciting. But scary too.
Apparently when I arrive at the train station in the Big City I can use my cell phone and call a cab company that the school contracts with for vouchers and thus I don't have to pay for the cab to the school. That is really nice and very helpful. The idea of either trying to navigate my way there via subway or jumping out into the street trying to find a cab were causing a certain amount of stress on my part.
I am sort of nervous about this. It has been almost 6 years since we have seen Fiona. KC was still in an infant car seat when she was moved by the state far away from us and she has had 2 hospitalizations and 2 other treatment placements since that day. I remember crying all the way back from our goodbye dinner and feeling like some part of me had been ripped away. Since that time I have always kept in contact with weekly notes, calls when allowed, but this is different. It feels good. It feels exciting. But scary too.
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