Elisabeth's new job

 Elisabeth is 14 1/2 and has been struggling.  Covid impacted everyone but among those folks i know, the 13-14 year old kids seem to have had more emotional fallout from lockdown.  In any case, she did.  I think what made it extra hard was that she was just stretching her wings. She had started going places with friends w ithout an adult present.  Made trips to the mall, lunch dates with a group of friends, movies.  And it was gone in an instant.  For 15 long months.

We did everything we could to make good memories in dark times.  But family game nights don't replace time with friends when you are that age. Early this spring her beloved older brother moved into his own apartment and that played a role as well.  My kids all love each other but she and Rob have always had a special bond.

The internet took up more and more of her time and it was hard to say much against it since in many ways it was a tool for some kind of connection with her friends.  But too much internet brought sleep deprivation and a surly teen.  It was  not the best 15 months of her life that is for sure.

KC missed a lot and dealt with many of the same emotions but he was working all during the pandemic. So at least for 12 or 15 hours a week he was out in the world where she was not.  Eventually dance resumed and that helped but it was all so little compared to all that was missing.

She tried and tried to get a job and the grocery store was not hiring.  It is super hard to find a job at 14.  There are weird regulations on what you can do and how long you can work and many employers would rather not deal with those issues. 

Then, an opportunity presented itself.  A Dairy Queen was being built at the mall. It is one of those that is open year round. She applied and was one of the first hired. She has had trainings all week and will have them until next Tuesday.  She is loving it!  She comes home excited about the things she has learned to make. She has stories to tell about other trainees. Suddenly her world is not so tiny and it is expanding her spirit.  Oh, and as an example of the weird regulations for 14 year old workers--she can't make a banana split because she can not legally cut the banana at 14!!

Sitting With Myself

I am an extrovert by nature.  I love people. I love being in community.  I am highly social in every sense of the word.  Being with people feeds my spirit and gives me energy.  I am respecting the social distance protocols. I am finding new ways to accomplish my work for a marginalized population in times of social distancing. I am using all reasonable care.

I am grateful during this time for technology.  I am not really tech savvy myself.  (writing a blog is about as high tech as this gal gets!)  i am however blessed with a very tech savvy company and church community.  So work meetings continue via our computers and phones.  And today, we had a church service that was highly attended virtually.  (funny aside:  my work laptop does not have a camera, my home computer does.  Boy was I glad I had combed my hair this a.m. when I realized that everyone  at virtual church could see me!)

However it was sitting in service that i realized that i had not taken time to think of how I feel during this time of pandemic.  I have been very busy at work.  I have been busy at home helping my wife to handle her anxiety and stay calm.  I have been finding things to occupy the kids who are used to such a busy life.  i have been trying to calm a teen who may not have a recital the first year he landed a lead role. I have been checking in with my sister in law who is receiving chemo and has a highly compromised immune system.  I have been trying to reassure my mother who is very anxious and flashing back to WW2 and depression era memories due to the lack of resources available.  I have been working at planning creative meals around the things we have been able to purchase during the shortages.  And somehow in there, I lost sight of looking more deeply into my own feelings.  A week or so ago I told my kids all about how this time would be our "Walden" our chance to be more fully present with ourselves.  And I haven't been.

Today was a chance to do that.  It wasn't exactly comfortable. These are scary times and I was forced to admit that I am scared.  I am an older parent (even though I would like to believe I don't look it!) While I have no underlying health conditions, that does put a certain level of risk in the equation.

I am a planner.  I am feeling at sixes and sevens because I can't really plan right now.  I don't know what the world will look like in July so I have not made reservations for camping as I intended to.  If our state locks down and I need to use all my vacation time to keep paychecks coming into the house, we may not be able to take that time.

I also realized when we were virtually in community at church today just how much I emotionally need others.  I need to see faces, hear voices, and share stories.  This morning's service went a long way toward filling a void I did not really know I had.

And yet, thus far I am really blessed.  My immediate family is all healthy.  My mother and my FIL and SIL remain healthy.  I have heard that my sister who lives across the country has the virus but is recovering at home and has not required hospitalization.  We will get through this and though the world will be changed irrevocably by this experience, I have to believe that the resiliance of our human spirit will see us through.

Strength in the hard times

It's been a hard week.  A hard week for our nation where results show how divided we truly are.  Results that gave hate talk and injustice a seeming legitimacy.  It has been a hard week as a parent, navigating this morass.  I believe in sharing reality with my children but I also believe that we can't lose hope.  We have to believe--I have to believe--that love can and will ultimately triumph.  This is not the final decision and there is much we can do to share and spread love. Much we can do to protect the vulnerable.  We must step up and do this work.  I believe that the best of people is usually revealed in the worst situations.

On a personal level I have had a migraine for 3 days which is wearing my body and patience rather thin.  At this time of year I do more driving in darkness and the headlights are a trigger for me.  It is exhausting and I was too yucky feeling last night to attend a party that I had been looking forward to for a month or more.  End of personal pity party.

Then there have been ongoing changes and concerns at my daughter's group home.  We meet today to discuss the pet issue that had been approved by the previously approved is apparently not approved now.  Last night at 10:30 I also received a call from Fiona and an employee of the home.  Fi has been saving money for the bunny needs and had a budget and now all but 60 of the money is missing.  The group home worker and I are furious because Fiona would always ask before she spent money if this was coming out of her "bunny fund."  Fi can't read a lot and can't do math well; her budgeting strategies are using envelopes to save for things she wants and needs. She has done this several times successfully in the past, most recently saving for a large screen TV for her room.  Part of today's meeting will involve my asking for a full accounting of her expenditures from her spending money for the past 3 months. I will expect receipts and a full explanation of why the plan was not followed.

I feel a huge breach of trust and I know that Fiona does too. There have been big goals that she has worked hard on for this.  She feels that she met these goals "for nothing".  I can't blame her.  I can't ask her to trust people that I no longer trust.

And then last night I learned that Leonard Cohen had passed away.  Hallelujah is my favorite song.  I listen to a zillion different versions of that, my most favorite being Leonard himself and artists who perform it acoustically or "stripped down."  Today I will listen to it and remember that we all have gifts to give.  Leonard gave the gift of music for over 50 years.  Today my gift must be that of advocacy and accountability.

Dance Drama

Monday night I brought KC and Lissa to the dance school as usual.  There is a class of really little kids that dance right before KC has his jazz class.  The class came out and the mothers gathered their chicks (literally, these kids are chicks in the upcoming recital)  One mom has a little girl who dances in that class and 2 other children with her, a young boy and an older girl.  Her oldest, probably around 9 or so, is autistic and she and I had talked a few weeks ago about the difficulties in obtaining services and how proud we were of various achievements our kids had done.

Tragedy struck as this family left the dance studio.  S, much like my Chet, often wears headphones to diminish the hubub of sensory noise in the world around here.  Sadly on Monday this meant she did not hear her mom calling her and she ran out into traffic and was hit by a car in front of the studio.  She will be all right, though she was quite badly hurt.  Ambulances arrived, the police cordoned off almost the entire street as they sorted out what happened, and rides were arranged to get the two younger sibs home while Mom rode in the ambulance. It was very hard to tell at the time how bad things were, but it certainly did not look good.

I sort of freaked out inside because i know that mom and she is a good parent.  I have also walked her shoes, trying to help my autistic son have safety awareness.  Chet was oblivious to traffic and i have had many close calls with him.  I have been lucky.  This mom wasn't.

For KC and his class, the accident seemed to have the most impact. The younger kids just knew they were hanging longer at the school. (none of us could move our cars while the accident reconstruction went on.)  But KC and his group are between 9 and 11 years old. They are at the age where mortality is known to them and death is suddenly both real and scary. They were very much impacted.

After class, I walked one of KC's friends down past the cordon to her mom.  I hadn't been able to reach her by phone and as she drops D off, I knew she would freak when she turned onto the street and saw all the flashing blue lights.  She did but saw D and KC and i walking towards her so all was well.  However we walked past the bloody street and that unnerved all of us a bit.

KC had a hard time processing and judging by the phone calls flying to and from his friends, I think the rest of the class did as well.  KC decided that he wanted to do something for S, the girl who was struck.  I have chatted with her mom and found she loves art so this is going to be an easy friendship care basket for KC to create.  From one artist to another!  It will be good for S to have something as she recovers. She is hopefully going to be discharged from the hospital by Friday at the latest but the healing will take some time. It will be good for KC to do this,not just because i want my kids to be compassionate, but because it will help him as well.  In my experience, doing something always helps.  There is less feeling of swirling about in a tide of chaos or fear if you can do  something, even something small.

So Saturday we will shop for a small basket of fun and easy art supplies. And we will all heal a bit together.

Fiona's swim

It is only Wednesday but it has been busy.  Fiona had a scare at the local YMCA. The house took the ladies swimming.  Fiona had a very traumatic near drowning as a child.   It scarred her deeply. She is not a proficienit swimmer.  A housemate pulled her into the deep end and let go of her hand. She floundered to the wall and used it to get herself back to the shallow end.  Fi's impression is that she nearly drowned.  I am sure she did not--the lifeguard never had to assist. But I have learned that perceived reality is as important as the real deal.

What I am sure about is that this massively triggered her trauma and PTSD and all the other things.  She was nearly hysterical when she called me hours later.  I wrote an email to the house director.  NO response.  I wrote another. NO response.  I wrote a third and copied DDS and got an answer.  The most frustrating part for me in all this was that I shared that water history with the entire team so that there would be no issues surrounding water.  I told them how I had to hold her hand when we went to the lake last summer. And how she took 30 minutes to work up the courage to really be in the water and was shaking when she stepped in.

Missteps like this definately break trust with Fiona, which makes it harder for her to handle other stresses in her life. It caused her behaviors to rachet up during the week and last night there was an incident where she came to blows with another housemate.  It wasn't really serious--no one was hurt, but it is an indicator of a level of decompensation that she has not had in a long time.

On a positive note, Rob got the results on all his tests and he passed, so he has officially graduated from high school.  We have scanned the paper work to the college of his choice and await the next step.

Busy Times,Fun Times

Things have been such a whirlwind lately.  Dance is ramping up with the recital coming on in mid May. That sounds a long way off but isn't when you count weeks for practice.  KC is always keenly aware of this and begins practicing on his own at home very regularly.

The boys went to a local hockey game w ith our close friend and their godparents yesterday.  They had a blast!  The girls got their time the day before, with me taking Lissa and Fiona to a local salon for a "spa" day of manicures and pedicures.  They too, had a blast and it was a great sisterly bonding time.  Fi sees a lot of herself in Lissa and enjoyed having time for just the two of them.  Lissa has wanted to do this for ages and was totally into the experience.

Work is insanely busy, and of course it is tax time and I am trying to carve out time here at home to work on that. I will never love doing taxes, but this year I can file as married when I do my federal taxes so there is something very cool about that.

My friend L came over yesterday afternoon with her daughter and she and Lissa played together all afternoon.  Eventually the little boy next door came over too so even though 2 of mine were gone, there was still a house full of laughter and fun.

In the midst of it all, the group home director called me to report that Fiona had an incident at the home and required physical restraint.  It sounded like she was very out of control which has not happened in a long while, but which I did feel she was slowly building towards.  I do want to know though what a restraint consists of with this new program.  They have a lot of stuff written in their plan about how there will always be 2 staffers but that to me is just to give themselves alibis.  What I want to know is how they are handling my daughter.  She has been in places where holds were few and appropriate and in places where they were frequent and done with a disregard for her--almost intentionally frightening and escalating the situation.  So today, some more discussion with the head of the program is in order.

And, in other exciting news--daylight savings time is back!!!!!! I love that.

Working the Plan!

Yesterday I met with the group home staff to review the amended behavior plan.  To their credit they had definately looked at my concerns and addressed some of them. The most outrageous things were eliminated or modified.  For instance the clause that she ride in the extreme back of the 15 passenger van was removed. They had based this "need" on an incident that happened in 2006.  Oy.  They removed the phone restrictions. I will be notified of incidents. There were several other changes from my rather lengthy notes on the original form.

They did not revise the extended time frames that they have for behavioral changes. (i.e. Fiona should exhibit a 12 month period with no instances of self harm or assaultive behavioir.)  Uh huh.  and the tooth fairy is going to drop a $20 on my pillow tonight!  It.will.not.happen.  Pollyanna i may be, but I have known Fi since she was 9 and the scope of her mental health issues make that impossible.

But the director said that these goals are primarily for the staff. So that they have a blueprint on how to handle Fiona and that they will be revised frequently.  I am not really sure I buy this, but I am willing to give it a go and see.  They have assured me that the plan and her ability to acheive the goals is not going to prohibit making other things happen for her, like getting involved in clubs or within the wider community. If they are truthful about that, then I am okay with it.

I asked about who her payee was and was informed that the director was planning to apply for this. I said that I was more than willing to do this and would prefer it.  Surprisingly (or perhaps not) the tone of the meeting got chillier then.  I was told that this could "hold up" Fiona getting to take a class she is interested in, because they wouldn't know if the funds were there. I asked how much the class in question might be.  $60.00  I said if they sign her up, they'll get a check, even if it is my money till her checks are squared away.  Seriously??? I think it far better that family manage the funds. Sorry folks. They also were not happy that I grilled them on healthy eating. PB and fluff for a pre-diabetic??  Give me a break!  They argued with me over Fiona going to spend the night at her cousin's house so that she can get her hair done.  I know her cousin N quite well. We are good friends and she has a child KC's age. Our two kids are friends as well.  N would not do anything unsafe with or around Fiona or her own daughter. She is a hard worker and an amazing parent.  I finally found out that guardianship trumps what the home staff want and that if I sign off on it they can object but can not stop unless they have empirical proof that this is not in Fiona's best interest.  Since cousin N is going to do Lissa's hair this spring, ob

I went directly to the Social Security office after the meeting.  Filled out the necessary paperwork for that but have to wait about 14 days for the confirmation letter to arrive so that I can set up her bank account.   The fellow who took the application was nice but had cubicle brain.  (my term for not having people skills)  He was the sort that asked what felt like intrusive questions to me.  Or made statements that i assume he thought were supportive but weren't.  i.e.  "so you are basically her guardian because DCF wanted you to be." NO!  I just smiled and said that was far from true but it was too complex to tie up his day.  A good friend of mine actually works at that office but he could not do the application with me because we are friends. (I also work with his father.)

Still, much was accomplished and I am relieved at that. I feel that I am juggling many balls in the air right now.  This weekend is crazy with 3 of the kids going to 2 different birthday parties tomorrow. Sunday I teach church school and Fiona comes for my wife's birthday party.

However this weekend pales to the weekend of the 21-23rd.  Stay tuned!

Behavior Plans and Niagara Falls

This is a hard post to write, because in no way do I want anyone to take away a negative impression of my wife.  In fact, I have the utmost respect for her as a person and as a parent. Everyone has limits and I understand that.  She has stretched and grown so much during this parenting journey, a journey in large part started by me, because I always wanted kids. Lots of kids.  She would have been happy for us to remain a couple. She loves our children, but craves more solitude and silence than will ever be possible till the kids are grown!

Last week I received Fiona's proposed behavior plan from her new program.  I am very unhappy with it.  There were attempts to make her visits with family contingent on behavior goals. There is a plan to try and have her have 12 months with no instances of talking back or swearing etc with more than one re-direction from staff.  (ex:  Fiona gets mad and swears, staff suggests calming activity, Fiona accepts all is good.)  Except that this is not feasable or logical. And her participation in the wider community is also potentially held hostage by a need to achieve this and other significantly challenging behavioral changes. There is a transport edict  where she must ride in the very last row of the van because in 2006 there was an incident where she did something unsafe.  2006 and nothing since.

I believe in helping everyone work to their best potential. But I also believe in achievable goals. Making a plan to reduce the behaviors would be great--but not to start with 100 per cent success! Not recognizing the work she has done in the past 7 years is also unfair.  For this and a myriad of other reasons I have refused to sign off on the plan in its present incarnation and there is a meeting in early February to discuss it. I have red inked it and sent it back so that the whole team know my concerns and so that we can work together on a healthy and amicable plan.

When I shared the above example with my wife she was furious on Fiona's behalf. She pointed out that she herself has a Viking temper and could not guarantee that SHE  and fully functioning non disabled individual could agree to respond to a calming activity if she was really upset. She was angry because she knows there are things she (my wife) has changed about herself since 2006 and that she would be upset should they go unrecognized.

I said that it was nice to know she was in my corner on this as I knew that she didn't feel the same level of commitment to Fiona that I do.  It is sort of the elephant in the room in our relationship. When Fiona had to be removed from our home, my wife was so upset, so scared, that she took a giant step back emotionally and never really stepped forward again.  The doctors determined Fi could not live with us, agencies made contact difficult.  In many ways it was easy for her to step back.

I wasn't personally scared when Fiona's incident happened here  and that probably played a big role. I was scared for the kids, but not myself.  I am tall, and a second degree black belt.  But for the other kids emotional well being, yes, I was scared.

I am also an incurable optimist.  I believed then and I believe now, that by being there with and for Fi as much as the powers that be and as much as Fiona herself would allow, that some level of healing would happen. At the very least, she would see that everyone does not walk away. When the opportunity to be her guardian came, I immediately said yes, though I knew that K would not be thrilled.

I also believed that if I just kept on trying that eventually my wife would come round.  I told K that I  call it the "water eroding granite" theory.  It is essentially the same tactic that I used to help my inlaws see that I was after all a pretty nice person. I just kept constantly being nice, ignoring negatives and years later, we really all do love each other.

K laughed when we were talking and said it is not just water eroding granite.  That I am in her words, "f*ing niagara falls eroding granite."  But she is okay with it. And she has come to see Fiona in a different light.  The fact that the group home seems to judge Fiona based on very old issues that are not really relevant to her present behaviors has helped K to see that she was doing the same thing emotionally. There really is a nugget of good in all things.

Fiona's Update

More snow and it is FINALLY (caps for KC's verbal emphasis) snowman snow.  Every year we take a picture of the snowman and its makers.  Here's this years. LOL

Had a call from Fiona last night. She was crying and unhappy.  Her side is that residents don't want to include her or ignore her.  I got an email from the house this a.m. which said she was instigating and tried several times to elope from the home several times over the weekend.  They did approve my request for a weekend visit, (Friday night through Saturday evening) but wanted me to agree to "reinforce that this was contingent up on her following program rules."  Um. No.

Family is not a hostage for the program. We are not a bargaining chip.   I wrote that I was more than willing to support the team by reminding her of hte importance of following house rules. But that we had travelled this road with other institutions and when family is used in this manner it did not work well.  It did not improve her behavior and it made her feel that we just did not want to see her.

I also wrote that it was my hope that coming home and feeling connected would make it easier for her to cope with the constraints of the home she is living in.  Her world at present is much smaller than what she was used to, with only 5 other residents. If those 5 are not her friend at the moment, there is no where else to turn for company.  I also reiterated my position that she needs to have some type of activity within the community and not be bound to the house for such extended periods of time.  I suspect  the home is not lovin me right now.

Saturday for the sickie

Ugh!  I came home from work ill yesterday.  This rarely happens.  I am pretty healthy (knock wood) by nature. Even sick children routinely gravitating to my bed during their punk times does not usually infect me.  Alas, the dreaded stomach bug found me yesterday.  KC had this over a week ago so I am pretty sure I didn't get it from him.  More likely from one of my coworkers as we were all sharing holiday goodies in the office together the past several days.

By noon I was home, tucked in bed and most of the day and the evening are a blur.  Rob did a first rate job stepping up and helping with the littles. Cooked them supper right on schedule, got Lissa her shower.  Truly it was amazing.  In the midst of it all, feeling dizzy and fuzzyheaded, the phone rang and it was the program director for Fiona's new home.  She is working together a plan for Fiona and needed my input.

Despite the fact that it was hard to focus, this was a good conversation.  It appears that due to Fi's level of chronic instability she is recommending a risk meeting which I will be able to attend as part of the team.  Robin is concerned that contact with extended family members would best be done with thereputic supports and I am fine with that.  (cousin N who has been a regular in Fiona's life is excepted from this, as are myself and my family)  But Mom J and her Krystal  and Dee  who have had very limited contacts are whom she is speaking of.

I stressed that it is important to make sure the contacts happen and that it not be a somewhere in the distant  future kind of deal.  Nor tied to behaviors and such as Fiona has no sense of time but does feel a very intense need (and rightly so) to be in contact with her family members and her friends that she has built up over the years at the great school.  Robin seemed to get that and assured me the risk meeting would happen soon after her moving in.

A potential fly in the ointment seems to be a general unwillingness to let former staff and Jane have contact with Fiona.  Robin cited Hippa and I am having a hard time understanding how making a friendly phone call as a friend violates that. I'll do some research when I am clearer minded and be prepared.  To me, it smacks more of the general rule that agencies seem to have had for Fi which was when she moved from a foster home or a facility it was "fresh start." Which sounds good in theory but what is the purpose of making connections and emotional supports if one can not take them forward through your life. Seems to me that a fresh start does not need to negate the good that has happened in one's past.

Meanwhile I am at least ambulatory today.  I have had a couple cups of tea, and about half a rice cake.  I brought the kids to the library and though that was not a lot, it was a good step forward in getting my strength back for the hustle and bustle of the holidays. And today is winter solstice, which is a special night at our house.  The shortest night of the year, but the night that holds the promise of returning light and warmth.  We eat by candle light.

Fiona's guardianship just took a jump forward

This week I got a citation in the mail regarding my petition to become Fiona's guardianship.  The citation gives anyone who wants to object to the petition until the 31st of December to notify the court of their feelings.  Fiona's mom and Fiona have also received a citation. I have worried a lot about that.  How receiving that citation would feel to Mom J.  How it would hurt and what she would feel that she should do regarding it.

Late last night, Amazing Jane forwarded me an email she had received from Fiona's mom.  It made me cry.  She wrote to Fi that she heard she was doing well and she was glad. She said she wanted to apologize for all the mistakes that she had made and all the bad choices many years ago. That she had been suffering from depression and didn't know where to turn for help, but that now she did, and was doing better.

She went on to say that she had heard that I was a very good person and would be a good guardian for Fiona.  Fi wants to call her mom with me when she moves out here and I am fine with that.  One of the things I was told by a different therapist years ago, was that if Fiona's mom could give her permission to love others, that her healing could really move forward.  For a variety of unbloggable reasons, we were not able to connect with Mom J and try to initiate this.  Jane has helped facilitate this and I am forever and ever grateful to her.  She also has supported me as I have worked to help Fi and Rob's first families see that I want them in all our lives.  There was a real rift caused by the agency that removed the children from the birth family. While the removal most definately was in their best interest at the time, the way the family was treated afterwards was punitive, belittling and flat out made a lot of them hate me.  Though I did not do those things, I was sort of an emblem of what had happened. I was white. I was, by their terms affluent.  Surely I saw them through the same lens.  It took a lot of work to help them see that I am my own person, and most importantly, that I love these kids.  And I love their families. Fiona and i both share a very similar vision of knitting together her "two families."  I see it as a big circle around the kids, Fi I think has a different mental image but the end result is very similar.

In many ways, this is the best present all of us could receive this Christmas.

A visit to Fiona's new home

Today I left work early to meet Fiona for lunch at the new home where she will be living . The date of the move is still up in the air but it is close enough that the transition has to start, so that Fi is as prepared as possible for the change.

The home is about 20 minutes tops from our house.  It is hard for me to know exactly how far as I got lost the first time!  But once I know where I am going, i greatly suspect it will be a quick little commute.   It is a lovely home, with 5 spacious bedrooms. Each resident has their own room.  The rooms are big enough for double beds, so when I say spacious, they are probably 2 1/2 times the size of her room now.  This may be great and may not be.  She has a hard time keeping her space ordered, but she loved the double bed (which really did look inviting and comfy.

The plusses that I see are:  all the occupants are female. Fiona has some issues around men and although she wants a boyfriend at some point, she is also frightened by anything she deems inappropriate from a male.  Fright for her leads to disregulation and PTSD so it is something I am looking to avoid.

There is lots of space in this house. The program intentionally planned this way so that the residents could get away from each other and take space when the need arose.

The program agrees that Fiona does best with a high level of structure and their plan is to have her enrolled in a structured day program that focuses on lots of crafts as well as job skill stuff Monday through Fridays. The other plus to this is then she is around an even wider circle of people and may make additional friends among the other people there.

Family are welcome to visit almost anytime. Fiona is welcome to come  here to visit almost any time.

There is a focus on teaching Fiona that she is an adult now and as such, has a responsibility and privilege of making some decisions on her own.  This is good.  Fi truly is very unable to handle unstructured time at all at present.  It would be good to work toward a level of comfort for her around that.  Also for feeling comfortable advocating for what she likes to do.

There is a gorgeous deck for cookouts.

There is not much around if she managed to get past the locked door in a raging episode.

The residents can decorate their rooms as they wish.

One of the 5 residents is black as is the program director.

Fiona seemed to make positive  early friendship connections with two of the residents in the home.  One was H, the young black girl. They started talking about ways to do hair and seem to want to do each others hair.

Some things that concern me:

There is no time out space.  Typically Fiona does best in a space that has no stimulation where she can roll around, punch bean bags and pillows and scream out her anger.  They apparently used to have one and want to make it into a craft room.

The reward system they have in place is a bit complex and I suspect I may find myself advocating for modifications as Fiona has a very limited ability for retention of such things and really no ability at all to think into the future.

There does not seem to be a nurse in residence.  I am not sure whether that is something I should worry about or not. Fi takes some powerful meds. However obviously I administer them when she is here. I guess if staff are trained to make sure that the timing is not messed with, it is fine.

 That's it for concerns--the plusses thus far totally outweigh my worries.  And what mom doesn't always find a few things to worry about?

For now, she seems happy at the idea of the move. That changes daily as change itself is a huge de-stabilizer for  her.  But she will visit again the day before thanksgiving and then I will pick her up and bring her back home for the holiday.  I am hoping that also when she sees that she is so physically close to us that this too will help her.

Jitters

Much is going on with  Fiona lately.  Some is good--it looks like my guardianship will be done and finalized in November. This is a relief.  I think it will help me to advocate for Fiona and have a position of relative authority to do so.  As opposed to the dance I have done for all these years, explaining the rather convoluted yet emotionally binding ties that we have.

I was told that the new agency wanted to meet me and my family 11/4 and that they wanted me to tour the group home w ith Fiona on 11/11  I requested the time off and was approved. Then the new agency said, gee no, they didn't need to meet with me on 11/4 and I could just come to the group home on 11/11 when Fiona visits and have lunch with her.  Um, OK.  It bothers me though not to have met these new folks.  Not to have a single email from them--any communications I have received have been through Jane, despite the fact that they have been given two contact numbers for me and my email.  In my longish experience in dealing with agencies, this worries me.

Then there are first family issues for Fiona that are complicating all of this. Fiona, like most of us, has trouble with change.  Her problems are manifested more profoundly than perhaps most of us though and there has been an uptick in incidents of unsafe behaviors, raging and such.  Into all of this, has been added renewed contact with D and a request from the birth family that her sister Krystal be allowed to visit.  Krystal has been living down south with an aunt. She has now apparently come back to the Northeast and is presently only about 10 miles away from the Great School.  She has been in phone contact with Fiona.

However the Great School director feels that there is enough on their (the schools plate) and Fiona's at this point. Despite my advocating for supervised visits at the school, despite Jane advocating for the same, our request was denied. Krystal will not be allowed physical visiting at this time. It will be up to the new group home staff and myself to facilitate this once Fiona has moved.  My feeling was that the staff at the school is well versed in how Fiona responds.  The new group home will not be.  While I will give this my absolute best effort in coordinating physical visitations, Krystal will be much further away from us.  I am not a licensed therapist and don't really feel that this should be something that I should be in charge of, given Fionia's level of mental illness.  Yet I also feel that to not work on this is a huge dis-service to her and abdicates my responsibilities as well.  So I am fretting about this a bit.

I am also fretting about the fact that the present time line for her move to the new group home is two days before Christmas. She is scheduled to spend Christmas Eve with us.  The first time ever.  Holidays are hard for her and it seems like the system sometimes sets up those least able to deal with it when big changes are planned at times that are all ready hard.  Can you hear my heavy sigh?

It's almost official

I received a call from Jane last night and the finalization of my guardianship of Fiona will likely happen in November.  This is a relief to us all.  Presently, because someone administratively in DCF dropped the ball years ago she has not had a legal guardian since she turned 18.  So someone with very limited cognitive abilities, with a number of significant mental health diagnosis technically has been able to make their own decisions.  This has been tiptoed around since it was discovered and Fiona has very willingly empowered the Great School to make decisions on her behalf. But she leaves the school in December and I most definately want my daughter to have the safest and happiest future possible.

Fi is struggling a lot right now.  She is deeply afraid of moving to the new group home and leaving the Great School.  It has been a solid anchor in her life and though there have been typical issues between her and other students, it is familiar.  It is home.  And the unknown is scary for everyone, probably amplify that a thousandfold for Fiona.  The unknown has in her life brought some really scary negative things.  Hopefully between us, the staff at school and her other family supports, we can show her that she is not alone and we are all in this together.

She had a visit with D, who is Rob and Fiona's bio brother.  He is a year or so older than Rob but younger than Fiona.  Jane said he reminded her so much of Rob as like Rob, he  was very quiet at the outset of the visit. I am hoping that we get to have a visit between he and Rob and in an ideal world, Fiona as well.

Fiona comes on Friday!

I put in to take Friday off many weeks ago so that Fiona would be able to visit here before Rob goes away to camp.  At the time, she was only eligible for a day visit but has since met the guidelines for an overnight. Woo hoo!  We are going to go to a local history museum where you see how people lived, worked, and played long ago.  It is a good venue, appropriate for all ages and abilities. And best of all, while this would normally break the bank on a family my size, they are doing a special on Friday of $5.00 admissions!

Jane also had emailed me when I returned from California and wanted to know if I would reduce the time Fiona spends being safe to 2 weeks and when and if K and I would consider double overnights. (staying the whole weekend.)

Personally, I have no problem with the reduction in safety things.  I actually think that unless she is actively in a cycle of violence that family should see family and there is no "earning."  Fiona still has no real sense of time so it is sort of wonky to do it this way.

However Jane said in her email that the staff think that all Fiona's behaviors are "institutionalized" and that was why they felt a weekend visit was okay.  Well, that becomes a bit of a problem.  Fiona was removed from our home due to the same violent and aggressive behaviors that she still has.  She likely, in my mind, will always have them.  They are a cocktail of mental illness, trauma, and cognitive delays that are very hard for my duaghter and the medical community to manage.  Fiona had not been institutionalized before our removal, except for one very short emergency hospital stay.  My wife and my oldest son still have strong memories and fears of those days leading up to and including her removal.

Added to the safety component is the fact that the kids are busy folk.  I am good at shuffling around our schedules to make a day visit and/or an overnight happen.  But I want her time here to be enjoyable. Not a 3 ring circus, but more than coming out and watching me shuffle the kids from their various activities.  All that would do is reinforce all that she missed.  I am not going to short change my kids either--one of the bad things that happened when we were in the first two years of our life with Rob and Fiona was that the agency still had a lot of say and power. They mandated that Rob be taken to every residential visit, no matter that it was far away from us.  Soimetimes we would get all the way there and Fi would not be willing to even see us. Rob  missed ball games, play dates and parties for those situations, and  tension resulted. It caused an additional barrier between he and Fiona for a long time as he was angry over what he missed and also feflt guilty about feeling that way. I know the agency was looking at keeping the family connection but they failed to see the big picture.

So I proposed an alternative:  one day visit a month AND one other overnight visit a month. To me the most important thing is a strong sense of connection and family for Fiona and less about consecutive overnights. This would essentially mean she is here every other week for some period of time.  The staff all agreed that this was a good plan and for now, that is how we will proceed.

Fiona and a day visit

I got a flurry of emails last evening from Jane.  Fiona has had significant behavioral issues over the past 20 days--a total of 10 unsafe incidents.  An overnight seems inadvisable right now, but Jane an I both that when she acts out the most is also when she needs us the most. 

So this Saturday she will be coming out for a brief day visit--11:30 to 3.  I have to leave at 3 to take Rob to his best friends graduation party.  During her most recent unsafe episode Fiona expressed to staff the following which was then shared with me:

* She feels she is at the Great School because we thought she was going to hurt someone in our home.

* She feels that Rob does not want to talk with her on the phone and that he is growing apart from her

Jane forwarded that information to me, along with the information that she has also been reaching out to Mom J--Fiona and Rob's first mom.  Jane said she knows that doing this is always destabalizing but that her hope is that Mom J will be able to express support for Fiona moving closer to us and to Rob.

I am not upset by Fiona's statements.  As I wrote back in my post to Jane, there is truth to both statements. there is also misunderstanding due to her cognitive impairments and/or her trauma history.  In the short term, K and I really are the catalyst that would have started the ball for Fiona being where she is today.  We did think both she and others were unsafe in our home.  There is of course the fact that we were just the recipient of the trauma and emotional baggage from long before us, but I know that Fiona is not able to see that at this point--and maybe not ever. 

With regard to Rob, she is also partially right. Rob definately wants to speak with her each week and also loves her deeply. However he also has many experiences more typical of his teenaged years and I suspect that Fiona sees these things as him "growing away" from her.  And in some respects, he will.  He will grow up and go to college, have a job and hopefully the other aspects of adulthood.  Fiona, like Chet, will not.  She may have some of these aspects but within the frame work of supported living and with much more modified expectations. 

I spent some time with Rob after reading the email talking about what we can do to try and make sure that Fiona feels more secure in her place in the family and our love and commitment to her.  Hopefully Saturday will help as well.

More Visit Plans

Fiona's visit will happen this Friday starting at noon. She will be here till about 3 p.m. on Saturday.  I am super excited as are the kids. This change in plans means that she is here for a family photo.  Our church is doing a photo directory of the congregation and everyone who comes for the shoot gets an 8 x 10 of their family FREE!  I am loving that, though I know i will probably buy some others as well if they come out 1/2 way decent.

K is not sharing our joy in this as she comes to the relationship with Fiona from a different place. She says she is fond of her, but she does not feel we are family. Extended family, or a resource, but not family.  I am a weirdo I guess. She is my daughter.  She is family.  I think families are created in different ways and that parenting a child, particularly a child of trauma can look very differently.  We have talked about it but at this point, it is more agreeing to disagree.

On Saturday, Fiona is stuck coming to the dance school and hanging out with me for a long morning.  I am going to bring the kids DS and my cell phone which has a couple of games on it so she can amuse herself.  It is mere weeks to recital and I know the kids can't miss. I also know KC would have a breakdown if I asked him to miss. He loves his sister dearly but he takes his dance very seriously--way more seriously than I did at that age. Actually make that more seriously than I did EVER!  LOL  After we get out of the studio, we will go and get Fiona's prom dress fitted for an alteration. She wants it shortened and I have found someone who appears up to the challenge.  From there I hope that the weather will cooperate for a picnic. That would be fun and low key and different for her.  She will head back to school about 3 so it would be just about right time wise.

It was a good phone call tonight as Jane and Fiona and I hashed out all the plans. We also talked about how scared we all felt last weekend when the citywide lockdown happened.  Fiona I know had behavioral issues but I think that between the disappointment of not seeing us and the anxiety caused by knowing what was going on, it was understandable.  She sounded surprised when I said we were nervous and worried too--about her.  And that is not a lie. She was in my thoughts and KC was the first to ask if she was okay when he heard what was going on in the big City.  

So our plans have morphed and reshaped and I find myself all ready looking forward to the weekend!

Plans change yet again!

The school staff called last night after they had told Fiona that they visit was cancelled. She was predictably very upset and sad but she did not hurt anyone and although she left the res floor, she came back voluntarily. These are both very good things.  We talked of trying to make the visit and overnight happen for next weekend which would require some shuffling of things all ready scheduled for that date by Rob.  I was willing to do that.

Then about 20 minutes after we spoke, the driving ban was lifted and the staff and I spoke again.  They wanted to know if she could come for a day visit today. I said absolutely but we would not be able to do an overnight next weekend if we do, as i have those other commitments that also need attending to for the kids. (Fiona would not be happy hanging out with us while Rob spends hours prom wear shopping with his girl friend.) I suggested we let Fiona choose and she opted for todays visit.  I am fine with that, but hope that when next weekend comes, she will be okay with not being here.  Time is such a hard concept for her, as is the concept that there are things adults can not control. She tends to see the world as :  you promised me and you didn't deliver."

Balancing Family Emotional Needs

My wife and I were speaking several days ago.  It was a this and that sort of conversation.  I was trying to nail down a date for KC to have a sleep over with a buddy and I mentioned about Fiona's next visit.  K took a breath and said that she needed to talk with me about Fi.  She said that she worries every time Fiona is here that she will rage and that something will happen that will physically or emotionally hurt the other kids. She said she had not shared how deeply she felt about things because she feels guilty and she knows we are totally not on the same page here.  The trauma we went through in 2008 is still fresh and raw to her in ways that it is not to me.She is "stuck" mentally there, remembering the rage and destruction and fear.

I knew that K didn't feel the level of commitment to Fiona that I feel. I  did not realize she was still afraid.  Due to her work schedules she is often not available to visit with us when Fiona is here and is usually never home when Fiona calls. I imagine that I should have come to the conclusion that she was afraid, but I am a creature of almost unfettered optimism.  I totally missed it.

The resulting discussion was hard but honest.  I said that I would write to Jane and explain how she felt and keep the overnights to single nights for the foreseeable future.  However I also said that I would not walk out of Fiona's life because I truly believe that when you sign on to parent, you are there forever.  Part of K does not feel that she "is" Fiona's parent.  And I can't speak to that.  I do know that I am.  I also know that the bonds I have worked so hard to knit between the kids are deep.  To do anything that did not honor that would be incomprehensible to me.

Jane was amazing as usual when I explained the situation in a very lengthy email .  She said that it was likely my wife had PTSD and she recommended EMDR as a resource to her.  I told K about this and also about the tapping that I have learned about from the wisdom shared in Blogland. I don't know if she will reach out to those resources, or not.  I do know that life just got a bit more complicated!

Fun with Fiona!

Fiona got here just about 2 p.m. and we have had a lot of fun.  We colored eggs. Not just my kids, but also the little kid next door who wanted to be in on it too.  I think he will get to color them at home but I am not one to send a plaintive looking face away and I had a big old bowl of eggs all boiled, so he joined in.

After that I thought we would decorate the Easter bunny house which in an ideal world will be our centerpiece tomorrow.  Or not, as we have not yet done it.  KC and Fiona saw an empty box and came up with an idea of turning it into a puppet theater.  All the kids worked on it for ages, divvying up the work of painting and "set building."  There are little popsicle stick puppets and they will put on a show later--most likely tomorrow when all the glue and paint dry.

While I helped here and there with that, I also made dough for cinnamon buns for tomorrows breakfast, and a cake for tomorrows dessert. After I finish this I am putting together a side of mac and cheese to go with the veggie chikn, sauteed spinach with garlic, roasted potatos and corn.  We will sip sparkling cider and end with the cake.  I am getting as much as possible done today as my wife works tomorow a.m. and the rest of us have church.

It is beyond my ability to really articulate the joy of having Fiona home for a holiday.  It feels soooooo good.