No Call from Fi

Jane called last evening and said that Fiona would not call.  Again.  This marks the third week in a row that we have not spoken on the phone.   Some of the time this has been due to hospitalizations.  Thankfully in this case, Fiona merely wanted to be outside playing.  Jane explained that the staff did not give her enough time to transition from what she was doing to her "phone time" mode and that she felt this was the main reason. 

I confess that I was feeling a little sorry for myself last night though.  The kids are understandably disappointed when they think she is going to call and then she doesn't.  I too am disappointed.  Added to that it was a rougher than usual day at work with an unexpected death of a very young resident. 

I have always tried to parent with the mindset that I am putting my kids first.  I suspect all parents try to operate from that perspective, though it is more critical in my opinion when our children have come from trauma.  When they have never been first.  Or maybe even considered.  But last night, I said something to Jane about how much we missed talking with Fi when she didn't call. That I didn't know if it was fair or appropriate to share that with her, but it was really true.

Jane said that even if she shared that with Fiona that it likely would not make any sense to her. That her attachment to us is such that when we are not there, it is like we don't exist. She cares deeply about us in the moment, but that she is not sure how much that extends into day to day living.  It isn't just us, this is Fiona with everyone, in Jane's evaluation, but it was a blow none the less.

I know my daughter has memory issues.  I know she doesn't remember the days of the week clearly so she wouldn't necessarily know she missed a phone call if someone didn't say something. But it was a momentary kind of kick in the teeth to hear that.  I understand that this is also in a way a survival mechanism. So many people have cycled in and out of her life that it is better to keep a distance.  But it is sad.  I have spent 10 years trying to breach that wall.

On the plus side, Jane asked if I would be a resource for a family at the school who is struggling with autism issues. She had observed how I handled things with Chet during her visits to our home with Fiona and thought that maybe I would be okay talking about strategies that have worked for us.  I am, of course, fine with that.