Sunday, October 5, 2014

First Family Friends

A couple of days ago I got a friend request on Facebo*k.  It was from my son and daughter's first mom.  We met her a few months ago at a baby shower.  At that time she did not have a FB account.  I was glad that she was brave enough to reach out.  I know that this is a hard journey for her--for all of us--to walk.  I friended her back right away.  I firmly believe in supporting first family contact as long as it is safe.  There is no danger here, only healing for all that needs to happen.  Without contact, healing can't really happen.

Then I realized that she had not friend requested Rob.  And might want to. Or Rob might see that we were friends and wonder why I hadn't mentioned this to him. And he might want to friend her but would worry how I felt.  And I found myself going to tell him about this  and stopping about half a dozen times.

I was afraid that he might feel angry. Or betrayed.  Or any number of things.  Eventually today I employed the same tactic my kids often do and I told him while we were driving in the car somewhere together.  And as my kids often find--what we worry about is often diminished by the telling and sharing.  He did not feel any of the things I feared he might.  He was fine with it.

But it was interesting to me as I know that many adoptees feel this way when they are searching and have to share that with their adoptive families.  How strikingly odd that I was the one feeling anxious in our family dynamic!

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