Merry Everything!

It is Christmas Day and it has been magical and emotional and wonderful in ways I could not have imagined.  The only hard part was that Fiona decided at the 11th hour to go to the Big City and have her Christmas and birthday celebrations with members of her family who live there.  Rob and the rest of the kids were disappointed as was I.  I had planned her favorite meal, her choice of birthday dessert and of course there are gifts aplenty awaiting her.  We will get togethe at some point but it is unlikely that we will all be able to be here.  Rob typically works weekends which are the only times I am free and juggling around the kids regular responsibilities and part time jobs means maybe 3/5 of the family will be here when she decides to visit.  I am okay with that but it is likely Fiona will not be despite the fact that this change was here decision and not ours.

However the rest of our day has been beyond my imaginings.  KC asked that we get up 10 minutes before the rest of the family so that he could give my wife and I his gift privately.  I had no idea what it could possibly be but we agreed.  He wrote the most heartfelt loving letter to us that we both cried buckets reading it. Then he turned on the TV and he had made a video with a montage of pictures of the three of us as he has grown and a dance he had choreographed to a song called In Case you don't live forever.  I have watched it three times and bawled each time.  Most times I think we don't know how we touch one anothers lives (and that is ok) but in this rare magical instant, we know.

All the kids outdid themselves this year and being together is always my greatest gift.  I know that some time Rob will move out.  I know he has plans he is working toward. So every holiday he is here is a gift beyond measure to me.  Everyone's gifts were thoughtful and showed such love and care for the recipient.

Now a feast awaits and I plan to tuck in with abandon.  Happy Christmas, blessed Yule, Happy Hannukah--merry everything to everyone!

Happy Birthday Elisabeth!

 Tomorrow, I will have a newly minted teenager!  How is it possible that this sweet baby (who will of course always be my baby) is now entering their teen years.   Years of challenge and changes, tears and laughter, discovery of self and others.

I am one who often looks back over pictures.  They bring a smile (and sometimes a tear) to me.  I remember in that first picture how very little Elisabeth was. She is holding "Doll Doll" a stuffed sheep given to her when she came home by our friends who lived next door.  Doll Doll (though mightily worn through many years of loving) still sleeps in Elisabeth's bed each night.

 I remember when coordinating Easter outfits was a fun family thing.  Now, as older kids, they need to express their own sense of style and this is definately not an option any longer!

I remember when a trip for ice cream at a particular place was a refuge on a hot summer night.  Elisabeth is a huge fan of soft serve and they used to have 24 varieties of soft serve!  Sadly they are no longer in business but that smile and that cone bring them to mind.

My fearless child!  Elisabeth has always been the one to push her own limits and to test mine.  This picture is not the same year as the ice cream one--she loved that swim suit so much we had it in two sizes and they wore it for 4 years.  Younger than KC by 2 1/2 years I remember how she rocked this indoor water park challenge, even though   big brother was very timid about trying to navigate it.

 I have loved watching Elisabeth blossom as a dancer.  This picture was the first year she showed me she could do all her own make up without my assistance!  Only two years ago, yet the first of many things that will no longer need a mom's touch.

And Elisabeth just a week ago, as we prepared to hang a new ornament on our family Christmas tree.  In May they opted to cut their hair--something I had not done since birth--and at present the preferred hair style is just short curls.  This may also be part of Elisabeth's personal self discovery.  I have also been told that the preferred pronouns are they/their.  I am trying very hard to honor that. 

I believe so strongly that it is necessary to support our kids on their journeys, whatever that looks like.  But can I share that it is just hard  not to use her/she?  They feels plural and weird language to me. Can I share that I miss her long long locks (which by the time she cut them were about 4 inches longer than in the picture above)  But I keep reminding myself. This is their journey and life. I am just the one lucky enough to be along to watch the journey unfold.  Happy Birthday beloved Elisabeth!

It Happened and Chet Rocked it!

Who would have thought it?  I took a 2 WEEK VACATION!  The world did not end (though candidly I have had to go in early every day last week and likely next week in order to catch up!)  However, it was worth whatever extra work I need to do now.  We all had a fabulous time.

And the best thing?  The friends we went with had a blast too. There was zero squabbles.  There were 6 of their kids, and 4 of ours and everyone just got along. We shared a giant house with its own pool.  I was most worried about Chet as large groups can be over stimulating. And we were spending a lot of time in the Magical Place.  Theme parks also can be over stimulating.  However we brought sound reducing head phones for him to wear when things started to be too much for him.  He was resistant at first to employing them but eventually could see that they really do help.

I remain amazed at how accommodating D^sney is.  I brought documentation of Chet's status with us as I was concerned about his ability to maintain in a long line.  It turns out that there was a program whereby we could check in at a ride and be given a return time, allowing us to move elsewhere about the park, get a bite to eat, etc and then just return at the scheduled time.  Our friends have two children on the spectrum as well so we were all in the same boat and received the same accommodation.

I knew the other kids would have a blast and they did, in all the "typical" and expected ways.  It was also magical because Rob was able to be with us for the second week and I know that he hopes to move to the West Coast in the next year or two so this may be the last big family vacation with him. But watching Chet succeed at this, laughing and having a truly wonderful time--that is my great gift.  You need to understand that when he was little we could not even go to a small theme park (think Santas Village in NH or Story Land in NH) without horrible meltdowns.  I remember him biting me all the way to the car when he was about 8 because he was so overstimulated.   I remember being black and blue from being kicked.  Admittedly we did not have the correct diagnosis then, but the pain of not being able to share in a beloved parent/child experience was an emotional wound.  Now those memories will forever be outshone by two weeks of him laughing and having fun in ways I never knew he could.

I am a lousy patient!

Or perhaps I should have titled this the "impatient patient."  I am patient about a lot of things.  Traffic. Children. Relationship issues.  Taking time to heal?  Not so much. Last Thursday I had some surgery for removal of basal cell skin cancer. it was between my nose and eye.  I had it (ahem) about a year before I decided it was not eczema, or dry skin and yes, I probably should check it out.  A biopsy indicated that it was cancerous, but it was the "good" kind that moves very slowly.  The Dr assured me that i could even wait another 6 months for surgery if i wished to.  Instead, I opted for this October appointment, figuring that it gave me 4 days to recover and that i would be back at work on Monday.

As I lay there listening to him stitch me up (for the record that is the grossest sound I have ever heard!) he proceeded to tell me he wanted me to pretend I had the flu. . . for the next week.  His little vision was me lying abed watching TV.  For.A.Week.  I said that even when I have the flu I don't have the luxury of lying abed for a week. I have 4 kids at home with a variety of needs. I have a job. I actually have 2 jobs as I do piece work at home.  He was not amused.

I said I could compromise with 2 full days of rest Thursday and Friday (in part asI all ready went into this experience with a migraine and trust me the surgery didn't help that any) I would rest till 5 p.m. on Saturday but then was going to a birthday party with the kids at a dear friends house who I was not going to disappoint. And Sunday I could rest about 1/2 the day.

Angry surgeon scowl, but he finally agreed that since I sit behind a desk I probably was not going to die if I went back to work today.  I also promised not to do the grocery shopping as i am not supposed to lift anything heavy, and that I would empty the dishwasher by kneeling or squatting since I am not supposed to bend over.

So that is what I have done. I have an impressive black eye and  band aids galore covering the 3 inch incision but really, I am good.  Thursday the external stitches come out and then I probably can ditch the band aids.  Right now I tell people I am trying out different looks for Halloween!

I realize that not wanting to lie there is likely a problem with my personality.  But i have never been a lay around kind of gal.  I wasn't raised that way and I think it is way too late in life for me to learn that dubious skill.  As an example of my lack of lay-around ability, we are headed to Florida in November for 2 weeks.  My friend and I have planned a trip every day except for Thanksgiving. And that day we are hosting Thanksgiving for our 2 families and another family we know who will also be vacationing down there.  Doesn't everyone think dinner for 24 people sounds like fun?

And I won't forget to pack the sunscreen!

Cancer and Rocks

My SIL is fighting breast cancer. In some ways she has a good prognosis.  It is stage 1 and it was allegedly discovered very early.  That does not make it less frightening.  Especially since because the cancer is not estrogen based she still needs chemo and then radiation. And she had to have surgery to remove the tumor. And surgery to insert a port. Due to preexisting conditions, this fight is harder on her body than even it would have been without it. Emotionally it is hard as well because the diagnosis came when she was the same age as my MIL who did not win her battle with cancer. In our heads we know that this is a different fight.  The situations are not the same.  But it does not always feel different.  This convergance of emotional pain has also made my wife a bit distant and less able to be present for her sister. 

I have been trying to support my SIL as best I can.  We text back and forth a lot.  I send her silly bitmojis. I mobilized the kids to send cards periodically.  Then she called me and told me about a healing garden at the cancer center.  There is a large shallow bowl filled with rocks that have been painted with pretty designs and empowering words or quotes.  She wanted to take one from the bowl but found out that you were supposed to make one and replace it with one of your own.

My SIL is not crafty and she asked if she could take one and just bring it back when she beats this thing.  Of course they said yes.  As she was telling me the story she said that she felt bad doing that and that it was hard to choose the one she wanted as there were two that really spoke to her.  I said how about if I made her two rocks and she could replace those in the healing bowl and then she would get her two favorites. 

She loved the idea and texted me what she wanted on the rocks.  At our campout with church we were at the ocean.  The ocean always speaks to me of strength and healing and change.  This beach always has lovely rocks so the kids and I found 6 rocks so she could choose the ones she liked best.

I came home, worked on her two rocks and texted her the pictures. She loved them so much she wanted to keep them.  So thankfully I could do another two rocks!  Tomorrow these will get mailed to her and she should get them early next week.  I may be the fist person who mails rocks!  LOL

It is  a small thing but our lives are made up of many small things.  If this small thing brings someone a smile or comfort for even a moment I will be so grateful.

First and Last Campout 2019

We left home to clear skies and lovely crisp temperatures on Friday.  This was a much anticipated camp out. Partly because in a strange confluence of events it was our ONLY camp out this year.  Partly because this camp out at a retreat center in Maine with friends from our church and a neighboring church is an important launch to the Religious Education year for my kids.

Chet had a hard time on the trip up.  He was more frenetic than is typical and Rob was unable to come with us.  That may have played a role in Chet's behavior because whenever you deviate from the expected routine, his behavior decompensates.

 Also, the retreat center has instituted some new policies.  Some of those meant that Chet could not assist as a "porter" carrying people's bags to their rooms and showing them the room locations.  However, I had prepared for this and reminded him over the past three weeks about how this had changed.  It was now a staff job etc.  So during the time he would typically help others, he and I played a variety of card games on the porch of the dining hall and watched the moon rise over the waters.

Thankfully we also took a long beach walk as a family as the weather was lovely on Friday.  (note foreshadowing for Saturday's weather!  LOL) We also looked for small to medium sized rocks oval and smoothed by the ocean.  My SIL is fighting breast cancer and she recently spoke with me about healing rocks at the center.  They are painted with images and sayings that make the visitors to the center feel loved and strong.  She had taken two and knew she had to replace them, as that is their policy. She does not do crafts and had offered to bring back her two rocks when she no longer needs them.  I offered to paint two rocks for her and she has chosen what they are to say.  I hope the goddess guides my hands as I am not the most clever of painters and this is important to me. 

We found a variety of rocks that we screen shot to her so she could choose the ones she likes.  We also wrote her a message in the sand and sent that to her.  Her prognosis is good but the road to health is going to be long and challenging.  Despite hearing "stage 1" it is still scary.  And due to family history and aspects of her cancer, she still has to have chemo and radiation.  She shaved her hair this Saturday and sent me pictures. We texted while I was at the camp out.  I hope it helped  and that she could feel my love and support even though I could not be with her that day.

Friday night was cold.  We definitely felt the icy fingers of Lady Autumn as we lay in our tents.  It was 45 degrees when we woke in the morning.  Thankfully I am a bit of a veteran to this camping gig and had packed well and warmly.  The kids had argued bitterly with me back at home when I was gathering warm things. I think on Saturday they realized that Ooma might still know a thing or two as we were more than prepared!  (laughing again)

The whole of Saturday was cold and rainy off and on.  There was a bit of beach walking and lots of game playing and talking.  You know, I could choose to be angry that my only camp out had cold temps or I could find happiness in time to read, and talk with friends and play games.  I chose the latter as did the kids.  Chet had lots of kids who wanted to play Magic the Gathering with him so he was set literally for the day.

Saturday night was the talent show and bonfire with singing and more conversation.  It was late when we got to bed but I woke early as usual and joined friends on the beach for a short yoga session.  My yoga has improved over the years.  My balance is still less than what i wish it was, but it is better than a year ago.  My new class, while not necessarily feeling like it physically challenges me, has taught me more flow of poses and a sense of searching for quiet inside myself.

Of course today, in the capricious way of things, the weather was warm sunny clear and lovely.  However we had also learned that KC's close friend just lost her dad very unexpectedly.  (car accident)  He was trying to support her long distance and feeling somewhat emotionally worn himself.  Rather than prolong our day, we broke camp and headed home.  I was missing my wife, and i also knew I had 8 loads of camping wash to do, the tent to set up again and dry when we got home etc.

And so, the rest of the day has been spent cleaning the equipment so it is ready for next year, doing laundry so the work week can start smoothly, and remembering the sound of the ocean when I lay in our tent these past two nights.  I will miss that perhaps the most I think.

It was the kind of camp out that left me feeling very connected to my network of church friends, and also very aware of the fact that fall is truly here.  I watched red leaves skitter across the sand as I walked the beach.  I saw brilliantly scarlet sumac and gorgeous golden rod.  There was no denying the wheel has turned!

Hello Fall!

And just like that--summer was gone.  The air is crisp and cold tonight as I write this.  The moon rides high and full in the sky.  Part of me is still mourning the passing of summer. It will always be my favorite time of the year.  The warmth, the long hours of day light, the bird song are all special to me. I have saved up the memories to pull out and smile over during the cold days of winter.

But for now, like the grasshopper, we are busy!  Fall is fun too because there is just so much going on. I love being busy and I love that we like to do lots of things in the fall.  This weekend we are camping with our church in southern Maine.  It is a special time where the kids reconnect with friends and the adults gather and socialize.  The food is good, the company is fantastic and there are miles of beach to walk and enjoy.  There is yoga on the beach in the morning and I may even do that this year.  My yoga abilities while not stellar are a lot better than they used to be.  I would at least not embarrass myself. We leave tomorrow around noon and will return on Sunday.

Church begins the following week, although Elisabeth's coming of age class has all ready launched.  Rather literally actually as the first event was a canoe trip.  This will be an exciting and transforming year for her.  I can't wait to see how it unfolds for her. I have been lucky that all my kids have had this experience and it has without a doubt changed each of them profoundly.

Our city fall festival is coming up and the kids spend the day there helping the table that the dance school has and dancing at the festival.  This is another fall highlight for both kids. They love to be ambassadors for the dance school and to have the day down town with their friends.

Things have changed this summer.  It wasn't just the plants growing profusely in our gardens. or the rooms of the house during the seemingly endless house renovations.  Our kids have grown and changed as well.  Both KC and Elisabeth are increasingly independent.  They are adept at making plans and getting details so things will happen.(although ironically, Elisabeth excels at this a bit more than her brother.)

We are no longer the centers of their worlds.  As I told someone the other day, I am no longer the center of their universe, I have moved to one of the middle planets.  We are loved, and I know that, but as it should, their focus is moving outward.  We are not the first person they tell things to sometimes, and the things that occupy their world are wider than decorating for fall.  But they are both amazing kids and I am so proud of them and so very lucky to be their mom.