Sunday thoughts

I read or listen to the news only once daily, and try never to hear the White House briefings.  I do listen to our state governor as I respect him and feel that he is doing a very good job in very challenging times.  I am realizing that much of what I am missing are the small things that I took for granted.  In my daily life I did not recognize the magical of the minute.

I miss going to the Dunk's on our way to church and getting the kids their "second breakfast" while I get a cup of hot black coffee. Yeah, I like my coffee black.  And routinely my order would get messed up because I think most people order with cream and sugar. But seeing the familiar counter staff, waiting for the first sip of the hot brew while conversations swirled around me--I miss that.  I can make coffee here.  I do make coffee here.  (and it never has cream and sugar in it LOL) but I miss those moments when I would chat with the kids about their food choices of the day and get their input on which donut their big brother would like most.

I miss going to the library.  No lie, it was hard to fit in library trips this year.  The kids had so many activities that sometimes I felt stressed getting there.  I went mostly for Chet who likes to hold a "real" book, and who has all ready destroyed one Kindle.  But even though it was stressful to get there, I loved seeing the librarians. Most of them have known my kids their whole lives and watched them grow.  I loved the conversations. I loved wandering through the stacks choosing Chet's books.  He is still able to read during the pandemic. We have a large collection here at home and he has adapted to using a kids Kindle that has parental controls that will hopefully help keep him from destroying it.

I miss sitting in the sanctuary at church.  I usually sit in the same pew and there is a high window up to the left of where  I sit.  Our church has a very modern architecture.  Frankly it is not a really pretty building.  But I have spent years looking out that window as I meditate and listen to the music, the readings and the reflections.  There is a single branch from a tree that goes across in front of that window and I watch the leaves bud, green color and fall off. I watch the clouds scud behind it on windy days.  There are trees outside my windows here and I look at those too.  But there is a sense of absence and loss for that particular time and manner in which I marked a time in my week for over 20 years.

These are little things.  I know that.  And my post is not expecting pity or pats on the shoulder.  There are others facing much greater losses, and I hope that if I am truly blessed, losses such as these may be all that touch our family.

Rather, this is a reminder to myself. To never ever take for anything for granted again.  To embrace all the small joys I am offered and to offer as many to others as I am able.

Sitting With Myself

I am an extrovert by nature.  I love people. I love being in community.  I am highly social in every sense of the word.  Being with people feeds my spirit and gives me energy.  I am respecting the social distance protocols. I am finding new ways to accomplish my work for a marginalized population in times of social distancing. I am using all reasonable care.

I am grateful during this time for technology.  I am not really tech savvy myself.  (writing a blog is about as high tech as this gal gets!)  i am however blessed with a very tech savvy company and church community.  So work meetings continue via our computers and phones.  And today, we had a church service that was highly attended virtually.  (funny aside:  my work laptop does not have a camera, my home computer does.  Boy was I glad I had combed my hair this a.m. when I realized that everyone  at virtual church could see me!)

However it was sitting in service that i realized that i had not taken time to think of how I feel during this time of pandemic.  I have been very busy at work.  I have been busy at home helping my wife to handle her anxiety and stay calm.  I have been finding things to occupy the kids who are used to such a busy life.  i have been trying to calm a teen who may not have a recital the first year he landed a lead role. I have been checking in with my sister in law who is receiving chemo and has a highly compromised immune system.  I have been trying to reassure my mother who is very anxious and flashing back to WW2 and depression era memories due to the lack of resources available.  I have been working at planning creative meals around the things we have been able to purchase during the shortages.  And somehow in there, I lost sight of looking more deeply into my own feelings.  A week or so ago I told my kids all about how this time would be our "Walden" our chance to be more fully present with ourselves.  And I haven't been.

Today was a chance to do that.  It wasn't exactly comfortable. These are scary times and I was forced to admit that I am scared.  I am an older parent (even though I would like to believe I don't look it!) While I have no underlying health conditions, that does put a certain level of risk in the equation.

I am a planner.  I am feeling at sixes and sevens because I can't really plan right now.  I don't know what the world will look like in July so I have not made reservations for camping as I intended to.  If our state locks down and I need to use all my vacation time to keep paychecks coming into the house, we may not be able to take that time.

I also realized when we were virtually in community at church today just how much I emotionally need others.  I need to see faces, hear voices, and share stories.  This morning's service went a long way toward filling a void I did not really know I had.

And yet, thus far I am really blessed.  My immediate family is all healthy.  My mother and my FIL and SIL remain healthy.  I have heard that my sister who lives across the country has the virus but is recovering at home and has not required hospitalization.  We will get through this and though the world will be changed irrevocably by this experience, I have to believe that the resiliance of our human spirit will see us through.

Cancer and Rocks

My SIL is fighting breast cancer. In some ways she has a good prognosis.  It is stage 1 and it was allegedly discovered very early.  That does not make it less frightening.  Especially since because the cancer is not estrogen based she still needs chemo and then radiation. And she had to have surgery to remove the tumor. And surgery to insert a port. Due to preexisting conditions, this fight is harder on her body than even it would have been without it. Emotionally it is hard as well because the diagnosis came when she was the same age as my MIL who did not win her battle with cancer. In our heads we know that this is a different fight.  The situations are not the same.  But it does not always feel different.  This convergance of emotional pain has also made my wife a bit distant and less able to be present for her sister. 

I have been trying to support my SIL as best I can.  We text back and forth a lot.  I send her silly bitmojis. I mobilized the kids to send cards periodically.  Then she called me and told me about a healing garden at the cancer center.  There is a large shallow bowl filled with rocks that have been painted with pretty designs and empowering words or quotes.  She wanted to take one from the bowl but found out that you were supposed to make one and replace it with one of your own.

My SIL is not crafty and she asked if she could take one and just bring it back when she beats this thing.  Of course they said yes.  As she was telling me the story she said that she felt bad doing that and that it was hard to choose the one she wanted as there were two that really spoke to her.  I said how about if I made her two rocks and she could replace those in the healing bowl and then she would get her two favorites. 

She loved the idea and texted me what she wanted on the rocks.  At our campout with church we were at the ocean.  The ocean always speaks to me of strength and healing and change.  This beach always has lovely rocks so the kids and I found 6 rocks so she could choose the ones she liked best.

I came home, worked on her two rocks and texted her the pictures. She loved them so much she wanted to keep them.  So thankfully I could do another two rocks!  Tomorrow these will get mailed to her and she should get them early next week.  I may be the fist person who mails rocks!  LOL

It is  a small thing but our lives are made up of many small things.  If this small thing brings someone a smile or comfort for even a moment I will be so grateful.

Coming of Age

I'm feeling like this is a pretty emotional weekend.  You could start with right now.  The fact that I am in a house with no kids in it.  At all.  Like zero.  For the first time in about 13 years.  The picture above is part of the reason why.  KC is away on the final part of his Coming of Age year at church. It is an overnight retreat in a state near us.  Before they left for their retreat we gathered in the space above for a short ceremony to send our "kids" off. They will return as more than kids.  Not adults, but having symbolically left childhood behind.  On the sanctuary space you can see in the back ground the masks that they made as part of this experience.  KC's is the one on the left with the blue hair.  It was a very empowering experience for him to make a mask and think about what he shares with the world and what he chooses to keep hidden behind an invisible mask.

This weekend too, will be transforming for him.  KC has never wanted to stray far from home.  Or far from us, for that matter. As an infant he craved skin to skin contact more than any of my children.  As a toddler he loved to play but wanted to have me close, and involved.  As a young elementary aged child he never ever wanted to stay the night away from home.  He loved having friends over but was very anxious at the thought of being away from home.  Tonight, he will sleep with 14 other friends from church and trusted mentors.  He is ready.  I am excited for him and I was pretty dry eyed through the ceremony.  Then I came home and a sweet note was pinned to our dry erase board.  Written in green marker--green is always the KC color at our house--it read

Dear Ooma and Mom,
Right now I'm probably having an awesome time.  But I love you and really miss you.  Keep Maui happy. (his cat) Drink a small bit of wine and please send me WARM HUGS love you lots, KC

My darling, brave funny and talented son--so many warm hugs are headed your way.

While he is off, Lissa is at a sleep over at a friends house.  Tomorrow  I will meet her there as Karen is having a pot luck Mothers Day brunch and Lissa and Karen's two girls are helping to organize the crafts that the kids will do while we ladies chat.

Tomorrow night Rob is taking his girl friend to her prom.  I can't wait for pictures!  But so much. So soon.  Truly one day they can't tie their shoe and the next, they fledge. They fly, they make you think they are going to crash.  And then, they catch an updraft, and soar.

Easter Eve

I've become a rather infrequent blogger, haven't I?   Many times it is because I mull things around in my head so long that by the time I have a chance to sit and actually tap out my thoughts---they feel redundant and like other bloggers have spoken with more clarity.

But today, I am taking a bit of time to write.  It is Easter weekend and Fiona is home for the weekend.  We have colored eggs, had her favorite supper and she and Lissa are presently cuddled on the couch watching a movie. It has been good.

Tomorrow morning my goal is to get everyone out of the house for 7:30 and take them to breakfast. This gives my wife time to hide the Easter clues that she writes for the kids so that they can do their basket hunt when we return from our UU church and she returns from a different UU church that she works for.

This is a very busy weekend and I am glad that I went to yoga this morning.  That hour, just for me, helped me feel relaxed and ready for the demands of the weekend. Well, demands is probably the wrong word. But juggling the emotional needs and mental health issues of my two eldest at a holiday time can be challenging. It can be stressful.  It is also paradoxically, a great joy.  I love when our family is together, building memories and sharing love.  So the vigelance and over planning is worth it, but a quiet reflective time before it, also did not come amiss.

At the closing meditation our instructor always gives us a word of the day. Previous words have been things like "inspire" "wisdom" "kindness."  Todays was family. How apt.

Little Aggravations. . . large blessings

It has been a tough, albeit short, work week.  A dear coworker and his wife tragically lost their son two nights ago to an asthma attack. Their son was young and healthy (mid 20's) and had successfully managed asthma his whole life.  Yet in a blink, he was gone.


I can't wrap my mind around this.  I don't know what to say to them.  My coworker and his wife stopped in to the office today and all we could do was cry together.  Which seems counter productive to my "fix-it" nature, but I suspect it is all anyone can do. They are handling the routine affairs, sleepwalking through the things that are required when someone passes.  Grieving with someone is also necessary.  So I sat at my desk, all blotchy and red nosed (I am the ugliest crier EVER!).


Last night Rob asked if he could stay out late after work.  His girlfriend had invited him over and he would, he said, be home a bit after midnight.  My wife sighed.  Rob coming in, even when he tries to be really quiet, results in the puppy barking like a maniac for a few seconds.  Not long, but just long  enough to waken my wife who has trouble returning to sleep.


I am normally pretty sympathetic to her.  She and I both have crazy levels of work demands and I get her need for sleep.  Last night though, all I could say to her was how lucky we are that he was going to walk in the door at midnight.  We have friends who would give anything right now to get awakened at midnight with their son coming home.  We are blessed.

KC joins the big leagues!

KC is 12 and in full tween mode these days. But he just made a huge leap (pardon the pun) in his dancing.  He also began his Coming of Age year at church and had his first mentor/mentee event after services yesterday.

In the dance area, he has been promoted to the group 3 dance group for hip hop. He was previously in group 2.  Group 3 is made up of much older kids.  One 8th grader, but most are 9th and 10th graders. KC is 7th grade.  What prompted the boost was the fact that there were only 4 kids in his group 2 hip hop this year.  2 were bumped down a level and one other class mate was promoted with KC.

I worried that he would be nervous but he rocked it.  He could keep up with the class and the class members accepted him warmly.  Saturday our city has a big fall festival. The dance school has a booth there and dances periodically in the streets through out the day.  KC worked from 9 to after 1 and danced multiple times.  Most of the dancers and volunteers were the older girls from group 3 and when they were on break I would see KC walking around the fair with one or the other of the young ladies.

This was KC yesterday morning before church.  Last year at the end of the RE  program the kids made tie dyed shirts to get ready for COA  For each coming of age event they will wear this shirt. KC had a blast. He loves his mentor, with whom he shares a passion for the arts and was proud that during the question and answer period, there was very little about her that he did not know.  Like wise, she knew a lot about him.  For some kids, that might detract from the experience.  For him, it is a key foundation piece for him.

He enjoyed the canoe trip and came home happy and tired eager for the journeys and explorations that will happen this year.

Ties that did not bind

It never gets easy.  Social media is good for lots of things and for an over all feeling of connectedness.  But tonight when I popped on, I saw a post from my BIL.  He was posting about how thankful he was that his father in law was visiting from AZ.  Um, way to find out your father is in the state and not seeing you.  Again.

Most of the time his absence in my life is not something I think about.  It has been so long.  I have so much that is good and loving and right in my life.  In my head, I know that I am pining for something that never was.  Our relationship was not one where I felt loved, and I suspect he felt let down by me.  He must have, since he moved without warning, without farewell.

I'm glad for my sister.  She and my father are very close.  But I am glad I am camping this weekend.  We'll be by the ocean.  It will be cold but there is amazing restorative energies for me at the seaside.  And we are with about 150 friends from two churches.  The kids always have someone to hang with and I have time to chat with really great people.  I always treasure this time.  Today, I feel like more than anything, I need this time right now.

Just witness

I have a friend at church who is fighting breast cancer.  She is a young mom, making a serious situation that much more serious and emotional.  She has just had her final infusion of chemo, with some form of surgery and radiation up next.

She has had an on line blog about her fight through a site called Caring Bridge.  I have read her posts and commented,as our paths don't cross that much in real life. (I go to church in a city rather distant from my home and she also lives in a different city from our church.)  So if she wasn't in church, I was not likely to see her.

She has been often in my thoughts, and I have struggled with what to right in the comments area of her blog. What to say when I do see her.  I am a "fixer" by nature.  I always have been.  If there is a problem, I'll map out a solution or a work around, something that makes things better.

Except that of course, I can't with this.  And it has left me feeling awkward and useless.  At which point I get furious with myself because clearly this situation should  not  be about Lee.  Come on!  My friend has cancer.  This is about her. Really, it is, and I truly get that.  But I felt like I wasn't being a good enough friend.  That the occasional cards, the hugs at church and the blog comments were not enough. There should be something more I could do.

Till I read her most recent post.  And she thanked us all, for being with her, for being present and a "witness" as she put it to this journey. I have been thinking of her words ever since.  I will have to work at reframing my concept of "helping."  Clearly you don't always need to bring the perfect gift basket, or find the perfect card, or know the perfect thing to do.  You just need to be there.  It was enough. I was enough, as were her other friends.

I need to really take this lesson to heart because my sense is that it translates to many aspects of my life.  It is good to fix. It is good to plan. It is also good to be present and do neither of those things.  I hope I can remember that.

KC will be Coming of Age next church year!

That's KC in the pageant at church this December.  That guy is going to be in the Coming of Age class.  As in NEXT YEAR!  I can't quite wrap my head around that.  KC is my fey child; a lover of music, dance, art and magic.  Not ready to give up fantasy, yet also funny, intuitive and smart.  Coming of Age will be great for him. It will challenge him enough for growth but give him the steadiness and security of beloved friends and compassionate adults around him while he does that.

This past week our Religious Ed director asked the kids who they would choose as a possible mentor.  Mentors are really important in this process.  Good ones are more than there on Sunday mornings.  In Rob's case, the mentor really has become a true friend and they seek one another out at fellowship time.  Rob finished COA many years ago, so it is a testament to the program and the participants.

KC chose Jane, an artist who attends our church and with whom he has been friends for years.  He took some art lessons from her for a time and loved that.  Jane gets the softer side of KC--he's not the guy who wants to go throw a football around with another guy.  He cheers on the Patriots but doesn't really follow anything else.  And he still dances in the aisles of our local supermarket.  Jane is a perfect fit for him.  A mom of 2 boys herself, she is also quirky, emotional and uber talented.  She will simultaneously help our boy grow roots and spread wings.

But KC in his own quiet way, also is an agent for change here.  In all the years our church has offered this program, kids have unfailingly chosen their mentors along gender lines.  Till KC.  It would just never occur to him to do that.  He likes guys, and has guy friends but there is a dearth of artsy guys in our church at the moment and that is the component in a personality that he craved the most.  Our director was fine with it, Jane was honored, KC does not know yet that his wish was granted.

Now I'll go sniff and remember the wee little fellow who used to fit in doll clothes when we brought him home.  

Ready for Solstice

It is nearly Solstice.  That time when the day is shortest and the night is longest. . . that tipping point after which we know that incrementally, we are regaining bits of that precious light. Seconds to be sure, but we will regain light.

This season has been a busy one full of so many ways to celebrate.  And i have loved every bit of it.  I decided this year  that I was not going to try to pare back activities unless the kids seemed to need it. I was used to being rather minimalist in my choice of activities when Chet was young. But aside from making sure that we made sure they get adequate rest, the youngers (can't quite say littles any more) can handle a wider array of experiences than Chet can.

So we saw the Nutcracker--a local performance that a friend of ours was in. We listened to holiday music performed by local school kids.  There have been trips to see lights. There have been multiple Christmas parties at the dance school as well as Lissa's birthday celebrations. Special foods, special TV programs, and lots of special books have been shared.  We have made our family mural, made gingerbread houses and the house sparkles with an abundance of decorations. (that I most sincerely hope conceal the lack of deep cleaning during the month of December!) The tree lights twinkle and my favorite holiday plates are our regular every day plates during this month.  It is SO much fun!

But winter is also about stillness. It is about that pause, when the earth rests.  And Solstice reminds me to take that pause.  The picture above is our kitchen altar.  Our family altar is in the kitchen over the sink very intentionally.  I believe that the kitchen is the heart of our home. It is the place where we start each day and where we end it each evening. Over the month I have been gradually changing up the altar to reflect the coming of winter. Back right is a ceramic of a wolf that KC made several years ago at pottery camp.  In front of that is a spectacular speciman of mica that used to be my grandmothers.  There are rocks, that remind me that winter is hard and a tiny candle to remind me that the light returns.  A lovely long piece of birch bark rests across the back of the altar.  Birch is my favorite wood for starting a hot blaze quickly so it is symbolic of the fire of life for me on our altar. And there  snow people because they make me smile.

Sometimes the pause in my life is only the period of time that it takes to wash the dishes.  But the altar keeps me centered and more peaceful.  Blessed be.

Leave Takings and Remembrances

Today was a very emotional day.  It was remembrance day at church, where those who have passed in the prior church year are remembered.  I love how our minister does this because he does not focus on the "big" things about the people. Instead it is the little things, like how one woman was a shoe a holic and the other a Trivial Pursuit fanatic. Yes, they did amazing things as well but it is the little things that we humans (or at least this human) sort of enjoy remembering the most.  The little things bring them closer in our minds.  It has always been so for me.  I remember my mom's second husband saying "boy o boys" whenever the kids and I would arrive and how he would laugh because KC always brought him a small rock and put it in his walker basket.  Sure he was an amazing UU minister and did amazing things in his life, but it was that phrase that always calls him to mind for me.

This Sunday long time friends also got up and announced that they have relocated to another part of the state.  Stan has retired and Deb loves the ocean. They are not inaccessible by any means, but it FEELS so incredibly far away to me. I love them both, but Deb especially has been a friend, mentor, a touch stone in my life for many years.

When we came to the church way back when, Chet was in 8th grade. (he is 29 now for a reference point.)  Deb was the director of the church school.  She was amazing and helped give Chet experiences I am not sure he could have had otherwise.  Despite his autism, he participated fully in a Coming of Age program and grew under her kind and firm tutelage in ways I could not have dreamed possible.

She was still the Director when we began the adoption process and brought Robbie home.  When we tried to adopt Fiona and failed miserably.  When we adopted KC.  By the time we adopted Lissa she had passed the diretorship torch on to another wonderful person. But we remained friends.  She was a person I could confide deeply in, share joys, share sorrows and fears in equal measure. She celebrated with me when I became Fiona's guardian, knowing full well how deeply I felt about the fact that Fi had been unable to live with us.

And now she will be gone.  Or at least a lot farther away.  I won't see her smile on every Sunday morning as I have for low these many years. Or get that encouraging hug that she always magically knew when I needed it.  We will stay in contact via the net, but it will be different.  I knew we were supposed to be sad but also to celebrate this next chapter in Deb and Stan's life together. They have earned this retirement, in a place that they love and want to share together.  But my soul was too busy grieving to do more than have a really fake smile through my tears.

Which reminds me of how our kids felt coming to us.  Leaving the life they knew and joining a family where virtually everything was different.  Where a new family was so happy that they were there.  Where they lost their first families, in part or in whole. And how we had all smiled through lots of tears.  Loss always hurts, even when something "good" is coming out of it.

Gourment Leprecauns!

This weekend was the great Lucky Leprecaun Art Gallery showing!  The kids had a blast. The grandparents came to view and to stay for a pasta luncheon.  KC was an admirably well prepared docent, explaining the concepts and medias used on each piece he had created.  I loved that my mom especially had thoughtful questions that she asked the artists about their work.  It is important for kids to feel that their work is respected and valued and she so did that in spades.  Fiona was home and she had work shown in the gallery as well.  I am glad we were able to keep the tradition going as my pneumonia had kind of slowed down the gallery creation there for a few weeks!

Saturday night our church was holding a gourmet dinner. This is a fancy schmantzy fundraiser that happens annually.  I went once and the food is stellar.  However I hate driving at night because it is a migraine trigger so I have not gone since.  The chef asked if Rob would help with plating and Rob agreed.  His godparents were going so we brought him to church and they brought him home after it was all over (sometime after 1 a.m.) I was dozing, just waiting for him to come home.  I can't sleep deeply when someone is out and supposed to come home. Rob stopped in my room to tell me it went well and he had fun.  Sunday at church a bunch of folks came up and told me what a hard worker he was and how busy he was in the kitchen.  Proud?  Heck yes.  I am both proud and grateful that he is such a caring young man, and gives of his time and talents without reservation.

Ferry Beach

We are back from our final "camping" weekend. Actually it is a gathering of our church and another sister church that happens annually.  One can rent dorm rooms but that would be pricey for our family. Tent sites are MUCH more affordable and also allow Chet to have a place and space that he can decompress in.  This is important.  The sounds of dorm life are minimal to those of us who are neuro typical. To my eldest son, it is a cacophany and he can't tune it out or turn it off.

It was chilly, And yes, it rained, making all but one of our campouts have rain at some point.  Kind of a weird record but there you go!  Still, it was a lot of fun. It was very relaxing to me because there is not a lick of cooking or cleaning that one does while at this event. Zero.  I repeat, ZERO!

The kids have a zillion friends, as do I. And they were all off doing their things while I chatted with mine.  We had a family beach walk when we first got there, but other than that, mostly everyone did their own thing.

I love to talk with people.  What inspires people, what upsets people, what makes them tick--it is all interesting to me.  So I did a lot of talking and even more listening.  I also had a lot of time to read. I brought my kindle and had more uninterupted reading time than I have had in years.

I helped provide supplies for the Saturday night bonfire--that was fun.  The weather was not warm enough for swimming but it was great for kite flying, playing on the beach, finding ducks looking for their dinners and more.

Saturday night is also the talent show.  KC played a piece he wrote himself.  Lissa did a gymnastics routine she worked out with her BFF.  Rob was his usual easy going self, hanging out with teens and adults alike.

But the star of this weekend was my Chet.  And I am beyond thrilled.  Chet's actual presence there was in jeopardy a few weeks back as his behaviors were wildly out of control.  I don't know why.  Sometimes I know a trigger but not always.  However we had a long serious talk and made a specific action plan of what he needed to change in order to come to Ferry Beach.

I was worried.  Often when he wants something the most is when he shoots himself in the foot with poor behavior choices. But this time, he pulled it together and came with us.  He did well at the restaurant we had supper in on Friday night.  He was relatively calm during the set up of our campsite.

He loves to be "bell hop" for the church members and friends who arrive through out the evening.  He knows the room assignments and helps people unload and get to their room.  He has done this for years and folks really look forward to it.  This year he also took on a role in the dining hall, bussing dishes for people and helping to wipe down the tables.

His efforts were noticed and the weekend coordinators asked me if they should get him a gift card or something to thank him.  I said no, that for Chet being able to be there, and to contribute in a postive way was also a gift for him.  He gets great emotional value from the experience and did not need a gift card.  Instead, they asked him to stand after breakfast and gave him a formal thank you and a round of applause from the 100 or so people there.  He glowed, and I gave thanks.

So many times in Chet's life, I have to explain.  Explain that he didn't mean to be rude, or that he has challenges understanding personal space. Explain the unusual facial tics that sometimes happen when he is stressed. Explain the fact that he doesn't get social cues and know when to end a conversation or a topic.

But this weekend, I didn't have to do any of those things.  Most of the people there have known Chet for a long time.  This helps them to see beyond the quirks so to speak and see the giving nature that is very much a part of his personality. This is a gift I will remember for a long, long time.

Rob's last RE Sunday

Sunday was a hectic and emotional day here.  Lots of wrapping up of activities and teen experiences.  It was Rob's last RE Sunday at our church.  He received recognition for his help in some of the classrooms this year.  He has been a special helper to a young fellow with some behavioral challenges, greatly improving the classroom environment.  The younger kids had parts in the service.  KC read a haiku that he had written, Lissa and he both helped their classes with a musical selection.

Part of what our church does for the graduating seniors is to give them all the pictures and art that have been saved by the program director.  In Rob's case, he was there since he was 5.  It was a LOT of pictures. And I was struck by so many things looking through them.  Once more, seeing the haunted empty look when he was so young and watching that change in the pictures over the years.  I watched the smile become genuine and reach his eyes. I watched his body posture change. I was also struck by adults who spoke about how Rob is not a talker, but a do-er.  As a member of the Coming of Age, his silent demeanor had been a bit of a challenge.  However, during that year, his mentor ost his father and Rob took it upon himself to write a letter to his mentor. Which so moved the man that he still has the letter and tears up when he mentions it.  "What Rob does, comes from his heart, " was the statement that struck me.

Then we had a picnic at church and from there, came home to get ready for Rob's final piano recital. It was only 3 years ago that Rob asked to take piano lessons and he is a really good pianist.  Not in the classical sense, but he is a great jazz pianist. He feels music and has a creative  musicality.  Reading music isn't his strong suit and neither is being an accompanist--but listening to him play music by John Coltrane accompanied by a jazz ensemble was really pretty awesome. I felt badly as we had to leave right after his pieces because we had to get back to our church.  I made sure I facebooked the music school and thanked his teacher and explained publicly.  I would have been annoyed if I had a child yet to play and saw a whole row of people marching out. LOL  He wrote back about how much he has enjoyed Rob as a student and how intuitively musical he is.

Then it was back to church for a vespers service featuring one of our favorite folk singers--Joe Jencks.  Long time readers will perhaps remember that Joe is from Chicago as are both KC and Lissa.  Once he performed at our church on KC's birthday and sang happy birthday to him. KC has never forgotten that and would not miss a performance of Joe's ever if he had a choice.  After vespers I brought the littles home, but K hung out in the city as it was Rob's last youth group and it was the Bridging ceremony, leading the way to young adulthood.  He brought home several lovely momentos and will be attending General Assembly in RI later this month with the youth group contingency.

The day was so jammed that it was really the ensuing few days that I felt the emotional aftershocks of it all.  In many respects Rob is our first for a lot of these experiences.  Chet was never able to handle the Youth Group environment.  The lack of rigid structure made him unable to hold things together.  He was never able to take part in any type of musical recital as he would get overwhelmed with the sights sounds and sensations. (however he did take guitar lessons for many years and enjoyed that)  Likewise, Chet has never left home and some day, Rob will fully spread his wings and fly. We are in the midst of all the paperwork and hoopla that accompanies the college experience--another thing that Chet did not do.  And I stand on the narrow parental ledge equal parts proud and a bit melancholy as I truly can't imagine what the house will be like when he is not here all the time!

Endings, Beginnings and Celebrations

It seems we are at a birthday party nearly every other week over the past two months.  It is a shame that my homeschooled children have so few opportunities for socialization.  (big snicker here folks!)  Saturday it was a party for a 4 year old. We are friends with the whole family who have kids ranging from 4 up to Rob's age.  There are also two near KC and Lissa's age.  We mesh well together, a couple of loud gaggles of kids and congenial parents.    KC had actually put a lot of thought into his gift for the little girl and she loved it which pleased him greatly.  Celebrations are so much fun for all of us!

Rob was not with us at the party, though as he and my wife were touring a college.He liked the campus.  It is much closer than his other college choice and I hope this works out.

Sunday was the Youth Group service at church.  Rob played an original piece that he wrote for the prelude. Very jazzy sounding, and very beautiful. I am honored that he shares himself through his music with us.  He also played the opening hymn.  I was so proud of him.  Reading music is harder for him. He tends to memorize pieces as opposed to reading the music.  He didn't have a lot of time to learn this piece and though he made a few mistakes, what I was proud of was that he was courageous enough to try. There was a time when just the thought of flubbing anything in front of people would have made him refrain from stretching and trying at all.  It is hard to wrap my mind around the fact that this is the last Youth Group service that he will participate in.

This afternoon he spent his time at his girl friends house.  I confess to some parental concerns over his girl friend's behavior lately.  She seems to need a lot of adoration and adulation. To further that in her life she has begun bringing a young male friend to church with her.  Said young male is clearly smitten by her and hangs all over her.  Rob has been handling this with far more grace and maturity than I think I had at that age. At least I am hoping it is grace and maturity and not naivity. . .   I keep reminding myself that this is his life lesson to learn, which is hard for this momma.

While he was gone, the littles and I set up our Lucky Leprecaun art gallery.  KC this year found it easier (thank you goddess) to edit his work and actually willingly disposed of a few obviously unfinished sketches or pieces that he knew were just practice and not up to his usual quality.  He helped me to decide how to group the art. This year we have a wall of abstract and modernism, and a wall of mixed media.  The latter has become increasingly his passion.  He loves to use oils or markers and then embellish or deepen the art with stickers, or cut out pieces of paper, tissue paper layers etc.  Then there is a long wall that encompasses, holiday art, nature, and his growing passion for drawing comics.  To be sure the other kids have art in this display as well, but for the most part this is KC's passion.  He even made the Lucky Leprecaun Art Gallery sign on the computer this year, almost without help.

I'll try to remember to take some pics to share at some point!

Ancestor's Legacies

Usually, my faith community is amazing  and supportive.  Today I was working in Elisabeth's classroom as a teachers assistant. This is probably one of the few classes where I have never been a lead teacher and do not know the curriculum.  I do know the fellow who was lead teacher and he is a great guy.  I like him a lot and this is not about him.

When he arrived, I asked him about the focus for the day and he said that it was about ancestors.  "Hmm," I said.  That can be kind of a loaded issue for adopted kids."  He agreed but before we could continue the conversation, kids began to arrive.

When class started, I began to relax.  The focus seemed to be on ancestors from the perspective of people of our religious denomination and the gifts and legacy of their life's work.  OK, cool, I can roll with that.  Next up was a story about a farmer and his legacy to his three lazy children.  Yup, okay with that.  Then at the end of the story, the teacher read something like this:

And I wonder what your legacy is from your ancestors. . . Do you look like your grandparents, or smile like your cousin etc etc."  

It was only a few sentences and I understand that it was not meant to hurt or harm, but it hit me like a hammers blow.  Some of my children don't know the answer to those questions.  It is not  that I don't want them to ask it.  It is that it is their right to choose when and how they want to deal with this.  KC is working hard on processing very deep feelings about adoption and his birth mother.  If that question had been read innocently in his class, he would have been devastated and likely reduced to tears.  Luckily Lissa was more interested in chatting with her BFF and not particularly attentive to the story in general.

I spoke with the teachers coordinator during fellowship.  I don't want the teacher slammed.  I know he was literally just reading a script. I know that although he knows my family is built with adoption, that this does not automatically connect the dots to 'gee this could be painful, how do we talk about this?'  Nor am I saying that we should not talk about it.  But we need to do it sensitively and with care.  She was receptive to my comments, so hopefully any further ancestral issues will be handled with a tad more care.

My ancestral legacy is that I have a tendancy to strong opinions and am not shy about sharing them! LOL

Sunday Service

I really love our church.  Today's lay led service was on "dis" abilities.  My Chet was asked if he would usher and he was so proud to take the collection.  He also takes charge of the collections for the food pantry each week. He has a giving heart though it is sometimes hard to tell because of his manner of expressing himself.  Someone posted an article recently about how autistic people don't not  feel, if anything they feel too much. I have often thought that very sentiment about Chet. It is easier for him to show compasssion to a cause, or a wider group than to interact individually because the latter is so much more intense and overwhelms him.

The stories shared by folks who have a variety of challenges in their lives were compelling.  One person in particular shared a mental health diagnosis, that I would wager many of us did not have a clue about.  I thanked her afterwards.  Sure takes guts to get up there and say those things.   It is also a testament to our faith community that people feel safe enough to do that.

I also have a passionate concern for folks whose dx is not obvious.  Folks who are blind, folks with other physical impairments have a tough road to hoe and I am not saying at all that it is easy. But it is more obvious and so I think that to some extent there are more helps offered.  To have a 'hidden" disability--mental illness for instance, or my Chet's aspergers, does not always engender supportive comments.  Because from a distance it all looks like something else.  Maybe bad parenting, maybe teen rudeness (though he is 28 he is often mistaken for a teen).  I have found myself in public having to explain that my son   is autistic, and it breaks my heart.  I feel like I should not have to advertise his disability.  I don't want him to ever think that I see him as "Aspergers" instead of as Chet, the babe I held at JFK airport, my eldest, my smart, exasperating, funny, challenging man-child.   He is those things and more to me.  Aspergers is waaaaaay down the list.  Yet to get services, to get supports, I have to make it the top of the list.  It is a weird place to be sometimes. But to be in that place in a company of supportive others, that makes it easier.

Soulful Sundown

I checked my Facebook tonight and Rob's girl friend had posted this picture of the two of them.  They are such a cute couple--but I am biased !  They are good for each other.  His low key demeanor balances her high energy drive.  It was her second picture that floored me though.  I would have happily posted it but it came out kind of dark.  It was of my son, reading in the evening service at church.

Rob has always hated public speaking and once we got out of the public school arena, I have not forced it.  He has blossomed slowly but steadily over the years, speaking in small groups but always avoiding any large public audience type setting. More typically he participates in other ways--letting his beautiful piano playing impart his feelings, or helping others with tasks in the service. Yet apparently last night at Soulful Sundown he read a long piece of some significance. I had opted not to go back to church for this, even though I really love these twice monthly evening services.  They are more contemporary, the music is a bit different, and the church looks lovely in only candle light.  In true Rob fashion, he didn't brag about it. Didn't mention it.  Came home and watched football with me  instead. I suppose some folks might have been upset by that, but I'm really not. I want my kids to do the things they do for them--not because they think I want them to or because they think that is a way to get my approval.  That he was brave enough to stretch past his comfort zone, because he wanted to, that is exactly what I want.

Sunday Morning Successes!

This morning's experience at church was so great!  It was an intergenerational Sunday morning, meaning the kids stayed in service for the whole time, not breaking out mid way to attend classes.  The focus of the morning was the story of Stone Soup, of all of us giving just a little and something great coming out of it. The story was acted out in an exuberant fashion but the kids as well as adults were also part of the rest of the service.  One of my favorite moments was watching my Rob help a younger boy light our flaming chalice.  Rob has been a "special buddy" to this  young man since his family began coming to church this fall.  I taught the class that this lad is in and he is, um a handful.  I am sure there are myriad issues there but am also sure I am not asking. When you have a kid that is different, you get asked enough.  Parents and kids need a break from that.  However the class also needs to be able to function and what the program director tried doing and which is working wonderfully, is having Rob be a special helper for this little guy.  There is less classroom disruption as a result and Rob's quiet demeanor is a great match.  Also, let's face it.  Rob not only has a tender side that draws young kids to him.  He also has day to day experience from Chet, understanding that we all process the world we live in differently.

After service, we all adjourned to Fellowship Hall where in lieu of the typical coffee and finger desserts, we had our own "stone soup." Everyone had brought a one cup portion of soup ingredients.  Mine was a cup of finely chopped carrots, parsnips and a little frozen corn thrown in as well.  The melange that was created was heavenly.  There was barley, mushrooms, spinach or chard, every veggie you could think of in this pot!  And it was well seasoned and really delish.  With it was fresh bread, a nice salad and lemonade.  A dessert table rounded out the meal.

The hall was packed and my one regret was that I could not really effectively circulate and be as welcoming to newer folks as I would like.  However I had welcomed in a couple of new families at the start of the morning and that will have to do. When there is hot soup being carried around in close quarters, I am hesitant to do much traipsing about.  I suspect this stems from a hot bowl of soup that was dumped accidently down my shoe when I was a kid in school, but I digress . . .

The other thing I am excited about is that gradually but very noticably, our congregation is becoming more colorful.  One of the new families today was a young black  mom with three little kids, her daughter a bit younger than my Lissa.  They had almost the same 'church hair' going on and looked like an easy friendship was developing. Maria and I hit it off well and I hope she returns.  Unitarian Universalism has had a challenge reaching out beyond the realm of the white educated professional, but more and more there is an awareness that we need to be relevent to all. We have I think always been welcoming but there is a difference between welcoming and relevent.

 This is of course of paramount importance to me, as a parent of children of color.  When families of color begin coming, we sort of find each other quickly--it is kind of funny really.  But I love meeting new folks always, and my kids are good ambassadors for the top notch religious ed program that our church provides.  Especially having kids in all aspects of the program at the same time, I can speak to almost any aspect of R.E. with some level of authority.