The Elephant in the Room

I don't really talk about my father.  If there is an "elephant in the room" in my life, it is him.  And the lack of love he showed me, the lack of relationship that we were unable to develop.  The lack of respect that I have for him for his life choices and. . . blech, this is sounding whiny and bitter and that was not my intent.  This is also my third time trying to write this post. An all time record for someone who typically dashes off a post in a couple of minutes!

I got an email this weekend from my mom.  She wanted to let me know that she had heard from my sister and sis had told her that my father has skin cancer. They are apparently unsure if it has spread to other organs.  I should feel sad I guess. But I have not heard from him since Chet was about 3 or 4 years old.  He moved across the country and never said goodbye.  He moved in July that year and let me know with a Christmas card.  I felt like a schmuck because I had been trying to contact him and could not figure out what was up.  He had said good bye to my sister. They have always had a strong relationship.

It would be easy to pin the disconnect on my sexual orientation. And it may play a role. But we didn't even get along well when I was a little kid and I doubt I had any thoughts to my sexual identity when I was 7 or 8 years old.  Not even when I was 9 or 10 for that matter. 

I always knew though that I wasn't good enough.  I wasn't what he wanted--whatever that way. Hey what that was, was my sister.  Someone who didn't want to question, who didn't always want the back story, whose middle name was not "why?"  LOL

For me there are too many memories of times that should have been glowing memories that his actions and comments turned sad or sour.  Graduation from high school (with honors no less!) was one of those.  I never look at those pictures because my eyes are swollen from crying.

I had to write this really awkward post to my mom that I hoped for his sake and my sisters that his diagnosis has a positive outcome and that at the very least, I hope they are able to pull off her visit to his state this July.  But frankly I feel more empathy for some of my residents where I work.  I know them and  I can't really say that about my father. I had this really deep fear that my mother wanted me to have some "Tears of Endearment" moment with him but thankfully I think she sort of understood.  Sometimes people leave before they ever actually check out of this plane of existance.