A Caring Faith Community

Claudia at http://www.fletcherclan.blogspot.com/ wrote a post a few days ago asking people what their experiences had been finding a faith community that embraced their family.  The reason was that many adoptive families find that the behaviors of their traumatized children are misunderstood  by others, or anger others, and the adoptive parents become marginalized in their church community and often flat out unwelcome.

When Chet was young we belonged to a small church in our community. It is the church I pretty much grew up in.  My grandparents went to that church.  My grandmother and my mother served as directors of the children's programming.  My father was on the search committee that called a new minister when I was in my teens.  I too was heavily involved as a young parent.  I was in charge of the children's programming with my wife.  I was the chair of the parish committee. I served on many other committees.  And when Chet was a young  pre-teen, I left.

I left because I was tired.  I was tired of my child being held to an essentially higher and unattainable standard because I was so involved in the church. I was tired of worrying--of trying to guess what each trigger would be and prevent it or manage it so that Chet did not draw negative attention to himself.  I was tired of my child being labelled.  I actually worked with a minister  there who introduced me to a new family as the "parent of the little ADHD boy from India."  Chet had so much more than ADHD going on I suppose I should be grateful.  Instead I went home and cried.  THAT was how he saw my son?  He did not see the enthusiasm with which he worked packing food each month as part of the SHARE program?  He did not see his happy cheerful demeanor each Sunday at church?  He did not see the energy he brought to everything he did?

I wanted my son to have a meaningful coming of age experience.  I knew that this could not happen in my local church.  There were not enough children of his age.  Additionally we were a family that stood out even if Chet had not had behavioral difficulties.  We were a gay couple, who had adopted transracially.  I wanted to have a faith community where we were one of a number of similar situations. 

Ultimately this meant that I had to be willing to drive 35 minutes to church each Sunday.  But our church has a lot of families built through adoption just like ours.  It has families that are gay.  It has families that are transracial.  It has families whose children struggle.  And we all work together to try and make sure that everyone has a meaningul worshipful experience.

When Chet went through coming of age, I was invited to speak with the group of young teens that comprised his COA class.  The teens and the mentors wanted to know how to help Chet have a meaningful experience and how to interact with him. They were open to discussing his triggers, what to do or say when he became stressed or fixated and how to help him participate in group experiences.  I remember crying when I finished the workshop.  Not because of sadness, because it was the first time that I felt that a group of people looked at my son and saw him as a person they wanted to respond to. Not a person they wanted to label and push to the side.  Chet went through the whole coming of age experience, including the retreat and the vision questing component. His experiences were deep and profound and his presence there did not cause anyone to have a less meaningful experience of their own.

As Chet moved into young adulthood he no longer wanted to sit with his family in church.  There are not a lot of experiences or ways that he can successfully asert his independence but church was one of those places.  Because his autism causes him to miss social nuances or misinterpret social cues though, it was not possible to just let him sit anywhere on his own. When the minister would ask a rhetorical question (or one that most people would silently ponder) Chet thought he should shout out his reponse. LOL  He is wiggly and twitchy and easily distracted by noises as filtering his environment is hard for him. 

Our church has a disability task force.  The group have made our facility handicapped assessible in a myriad of ways.  Wheelchairs can get in and out of the sanctuary and the bathrooms.  There are hearing asistance devices and large print hymnals available.  And they helped Chet. They met with me and said that they would be willing to work with me to train "church buddies" who would take turns sitting with Chet to help him handle his sanctuary experience in a way that would not detract from the experience of others.  I trained about 6 people.  All were kind and open.  Many said that they didn't know Chet was disabled, but they all thought he was a lot younger age wise than he truly was.  (if he was 18 or so when we did this, they were pegging him at 15)  None of them understood until we talked extensively that the kind of typical banter one would do with a teen was confusing to him and would lead to an escalation of behaviors. 

For about 2 years we intensively relied on the "buddy" system.  He would sit with a trained buddy at service and I would hook up with him at coffee hour time.  Usually I just came over and chatted up the buddy about something--sermon topic, upcoming event, the weather (LOL) and after a few minutes they would say goodbye to Chet and get to enjoy the remainder of fellowship on their own. 

Chet is 26 now.  He hasn't needed a weekly buddy for some time.  He can and does learn. Or if not learn, absorbs a pattern if it is consistant.  Most Sundays he sits by himself very proudly in the specific chair that the task force found for him.  (Due to sensory issues our wooden pews caused him to fidget excessively and complain that they made his leg go numb.  They found a padded chair and put it in the back of the church in a quiet location for him.  He can see the entire panorama of the service without feeling the need to swivel around and see who is behind him.  He helps with the ushering.  He helps with setting out the food at fellowship. He will come early and help set up for an event. His enthusiasm and desire to help remain as boundless as when he was a youngster.

But the climate of our church is really what makes the difference.  The warmth and the welcoming and yes, the accommodating, make this not just a place to reflect and be in relationship with the Source, but also a place where I know my entire family is welcome.