Fiona didn't call last night and I was worried. Amazing Jane did not call and say why there was no call. I am a bit conditioned to fear the worst and in this instance, it wasn't horrible but it wasn't good. Jane emailed me late that night and Fi had been having a rough time since our last visit. She had spent the weekend at ER though she was back at school for Monday, she said she did not feel up to a call. That a call soon after a visit was too hard and too much.
I know she has a good time when we are together. I hate that it is the classic yin/gang of adoption. Joy at being with family, sadness that she drives away when it is over. It doesn't matter that she is of legal age. T
here will I think always be that feeling of loss. I hate that I don't have a way to heal that.
Monday I am leaving work early so that we can drive to the Big City and see Fiona's school fashion show. It isn't clear if she is going to be in the show or not, but we will sit and watch it with her. Then we will hang out a bit and then head home. KC wants his sister to be in the show, so we will see if she decides at the last minute to do it!
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Erin Go Bear?
Martha Stewart is not quaking over our brand of creativity but we had a lot of fun. There were lots of laughs and the house shines with green now. I am sort of starved for green by this time in the year. In fact, February and March are about the only months that i can be counted on to buy flowers when I go shopping. I consider them as essential to my spirit as our staples are to our cooking. Gardens seem a light year away by February. Even though we have planned our veggie garden, it is a wee bit too early yet to start anything much. And I yearn for flowers. We haven't had a lot of snow and that is great, but the landscape is still roughly like November. Sere. Brown. Spectacularly colorless.
So I tend to buy budget bouquets of carnations, which with care last 2 weeks, meaning I only need to buy flowers about 3 to 4 times in a 2 month period. By then, the crocus will have appeared and daffodil shoots, and I won't need my flower fix to come from a store.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Amazing Day!
Fiona came out today for a family visit. It was such a great day! We had lunch together with amazing Jane, all seated around our big dining room table. There was laughter and conversation and Fiona's favorite foods. Jane had intended to leave after about 30 minutes or so hanging at the house with us. After lunch the kids and I headed to a discount shoe store that I used to bring Fiona to when she lived nearer to us. Fi and I both share a passion for shoes! Jane went to a local book store and did something to pass the time. Fi had fun trying on shoes and we found a really cute pair of boots and a pair of white wedge sandals. They both look great on her and her school is having a fashion s how in a week so one or the other will wind up "rocking the runway" in whatever outfit she is designing.
Then it was back to the house for a bit where we re-connected with Jane. Jane had brought her dog who is very beloved by Fiona. He is a therapy dog, a smallish fellow with a much larger personality than he has body. Jane was afraid he might not get along with our dog and was keeping him in the car but we tried letting the pooches meet in the yard and they became best buds. Truthfully Blake is such an easy going guy that I am sure he doesn't know how to behave threateningly to another dog. They ran big circles around the yard--well in the mud that should be a back yard but is really mostly mud. Then we tried to bring Blake in the house and Jane's dog went inside instead. Eventually it all got sorted out and we all took off to visit the school Fiona lived at for more than 2 years.
It is only about 10 minutes from our house and is a large rambling campus in a rural area. At the time, I thought it very much the best fit for our daughter and our family. In some ways, it was. It was close by which made keeping family connections strong and vibrant was easy. There were monthly events to attend, and visiting every week was a cinch. But in the clarity of hindsight, some things were really not a good fit. The school was less qualified to deal in a constructive manner with the mental illness and cognitive challenges that Fiona has. They rocked it out in some ways but were really not equipped to handle someone who truly could not ever hope to learn close to grade level.
I had really forgotten how to get to the school. I explained to Jnae that I think I blocked it out because it hurt so much when she was moved from there. I knew beyond all shadow of a doubt that she would decompensate, and was told in the team meeting that my concerns did not matter. It was about dollars and cents and I was there only because I was her biobrothers adoptive parent. I had no legal say in anything they chose to do. I remember going out to dinner that last time, and driving her back to the school afterwards, knowing that i did not know when we would see each other again. I remember crying so hard on the way back from the drop off that i had to pull over, and then trying to get things together because KC was in a car seat in the back seat. (Rob had gone home with Kirsty; good byes were too painful for him then.)
So as much as touring the campus again was therepeutic for my daughter, it was for me too. We laughed and shared stories of those days with Jane, and with the littles. There is a giant spreading oak tree there and I have a picture of Fiona pushing KC in a stroller there. We took another picture there today, Fi looking so much happier and healthier and the babe in the stroller a loving younger brother cuddling close to his sister in the sharp wind.
Rob and Fiona went down slides on the playground together and we saw the 2 buildings where she lived during those years, the school buildings, the horse barns. We talked about fire works and BBQ's summer festivals and school events, graduations and playing games. The good memories of those days will be now more fully present for me and that is a gift. I hope the same is true for Fiona.
Then it was back to the house for a bit where we re-connected with Jane. Jane had brought her dog who is very beloved by Fiona. He is a therapy dog, a smallish fellow with a much larger personality than he has body. Jane was afraid he might not get along with our dog and was keeping him in the car but we tried letting the pooches meet in the yard and they became best buds. Truthfully Blake is such an easy going guy that I am sure he doesn't know how to behave threateningly to another dog. They ran big circles around the yard--well in the mud that should be a back yard but is really mostly mud. Then we tried to bring Blake in the house and Jane's dog went inside instead. Eventually it all got sorted out and we all took off to visit the school Fiona lived at for more than 2 years.
It is only about 10 minutes from our house and is a large rambling campus in a rural area. At the time, I thought it very much the best fit for our daughter and our family. In some ways, it was. It was close by which made keeping family connections strong and vibrant was easy. There were monthly events to attend, and visiting every week was a cinch. But in the clarity of hindsight, some things were really not a good fit. The school was less qualified to deal in a constructive manner with the mental illness and cognitive challenges that Fiona has. They rocked it out in some ways but were really not equipped to handle someone who truly could not ever hope to learn close to grade level.
I had really forgotten how to get to the school. I explained to Jnae that I think I blocked it out because it hurt so much when she was moved from there. I knew beyond all shadow of a doubt that she would decompensate, and was told in the team meeting that my concerns did not matter. It was about dollars and cents and I was there only because I was her biobrothers adoptive parent. I had no legal say in anything they chose to do. I remember going out to dinner that last time, and driving her back to the school afterwards, knowing that i did not know when we would see each other again. I remember crying so hard on the way back from the drop off that i had to pull over, and then trying to get things together because KC was in a car seat in the back seat. (Rob had gone home with Kirsty; good byes were too painful for him then.)
So as much as touring the campus again was therepeutic for my daughter, it was for me too. We laughed and shared stories of those days with Jane, and with the littles. There is a giant spreading oak tree there and I have a picture of Fiona pushing KC in a stroller there. We took another picture there today, Fi looking so much happier and healthier and the babe in the stroller a loving younger brother cuddling close to his sister in the sharp wind.
Rob and Fiona went down slides on the playground together and we saw the 2 buildings where she lived during those years, the school buildings, the horse barns. We talked about fire works and BBQ's summer festivals and school events, graduations and playing games. The good memories of those days will be now more fully present for me and that is a gift. I hope the same is true for Fiona.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
The logistics of family connections
I heard back from Dee the other night. He still lives in the Big City. He wasn't particularly clear what the living arrangement is. I don't know if he lives with family, is in foster care, or a therapeutic setting. I said I would try and come up with a place 1/2 way between both of us where we could get together. I am horridly directionally impaired however so I am asking friends and co-workers for suggestions of places I could offer to him. I told Dee he was always welcome to come here, but that I thought it might be a long drive and wanted to try and make things as easy as possible. When I was telling K about this, she was faintly horrified.
What do I really know about Dee and why he has had so many placements?
What do I really know about what kind of person he is?
What made me feel comfortable opening our home?
Oh geez. I pointed out that Dee has all ready visited our home. He didn't do or say anything inappropriate. He was polite, friendly and very caring toward his brother and the other kids. I guess I don't really believe that he is secretly an axe murderer who is going to show up on our door step some night. I don't think he is a drug king pin and going to show up here and demand our valuables.
I do realize I could be very wrong. But I really believe that unless people prove themselves otherwise, I assume the best. Truthfully, I don't think Dee is coming here to visit any time soon. I think the transportation logistics alone will prevent it. But her reaction pulled me up short. I am not slamming my wife, but I think these are some of the things that people who adopt hide behind to avoid putting themselves out there and being in relationship with first family members. And I don't know how other adoptive families look at these relationships, but for me, what I strive for is for there to be bonds between me and the cousins, the siblings the aunts. It isn't just connecting my son and walking away. I need to know them too, because they are part of who my son is. And we all love him. And that frankly is enough for me to care about them.
Except in Dee's case there are a ton more reasons why I care too. I care because I see a system that failed him. I see a young man with talent and drive and caring and compassion. And if he did show up and knock at the door, I'd open it with a smile.
What do I really know about Dee and why he has had so many placements?
What do I really know about what kind of person he is?
What made me feel comfortable opening our home?
Oh geez. I pointed out that Dee has all ready visited our home. He didn't do or say anything inappropriate. He was polite, friendly and very caring toward his brother and the other kids. I guess I don't really believe that he is secretly an axe murderer who is going to show up on our door step some night. I don't think he is a drug king pin and going to show up here and demand our valuables.
I do realize I could be very wrong. But I really believe that unless people prove themselves otherwise, I assume the best. Truthfully, I don't think Dee is coming here to visit any time soon. I think the transportation logistics alone will prevent it. But her reaction pulled me up short. I am not slamming my wife, but I think these are some of the things that people who adopt hide behind to avoid putting themselves out there and being in relationship with first family members. And I don't know how other adoptive families look at these relationships, but for me, what I strive for is for there to be bonds between me and the cousins, the siblings the aunts. It isn't just connecting my son and walking away. I need to know them too, because they are part of who my son is. And we all love him. And that frankly is enough for me to care about them.
Except in Dee's case there are a ton more reasons why I care too. I care because I see a system that failed him. I see a young man with talent and drive and caring and compassion. And if he did show up and knock at the door, I'd open it with a smile.
Healing
Lisa over at The Grateful House has an amazing post. Go read it. She writes better than I do! LOL And she speaks such truth. I think it isn't so much the old saw of "time heals all wounds." It is more like time helps us to do the work of healing of those wounds. In my case, it has been and sometimes is, time of proving that I wasn't leaving. I wasn't checking out emotionally. I wasn't budging physically. I.Am.Here. Because that is part of how I love and a big part of how I define family.
Some kids learn this quicker than others. Some have been hurt more, or have more cognitive challenges and it takes longer than I wish. But I see the changes. I see my son fall asleep on the couch sometimes. For many years he was so guarded that this was not possible. He still wakens startled but there is less fear in his eyes. He laughs more, and he is able to have relationships with peers.
My Fiona has been hurt the most. She has worked so hard. She is still often overwhelmed with feelings, with fears. But more and more, she verbalizes. I think she trusts me. I think she really believes now that I love her and that I am there forever. She will talk with me about first family now and doesn't seem afraid that I will be judging or feel angry. She increasingly shares big feelings with an eloquence that staggers me. Yes, she has an amazing therapy team. But I still think that it has really been about the time that we have been a family that is a more important component. And maybe (and I apologize for rambling) part of what makes this therapy team so stellar is that they have honored and embraced our family dynamic.
I know I had to heal too. I attended TONS of training, read TONS of books, listened to TONS of experts. Sorry, nothing prepares you as a person for being hated and distrusted when all you feel is love in your heart. Or at least it didn't prepare me. It is easy to say love is not enough. It is hard to live it. And time seems cruel instead of healing a lot of the time when things are going hard.
There are probably people who will feel that it is easy for me to say these things. My eldest daughter does not, and can not live at home with us. But I had to heal from that too, because no parent wants to hear that their child can not be safe, can not ever live in a family dynamic safely and successfully. But time healed that as well. Because the bonds of family encompass Fi whereever she is and we have worked to show that with a really constant secure connection. Visits, calls, letters, it's all there in spades. Pictures of us for her room, pictures of her in ours. She is a part of our conversations and our plans, and that translates to a way of being when we are together that is deeper and more meaningful. And time has given us nuggets of joy that I hold closely when things are rocky and I need to find reserves of strength and calm. I hope we all have enough time and find those nuggets.
Some kids learn this quicker than others. Some have been hurt more, or have more cognitive challenges and it takes longer than I wish. But I see the changes. I see my son fall asleep on the couch sometimes. For many years he was so guarded that this was not possible. He still wakens startled but there is less fear in his eyes. He laughs more, and he is able to have relationships with peers.
My Fiona has been hurt the most. She has worked so hard. She is still often overwhelmed with feelings, with fears. But more and more, she verbalizes. I think she trusts me. I think she really believes now that I love her and that I am there forever. She will talk with me about first family now and doesn't seem afraid that I will be judging or feel angry. She increasingly shares big feelings with an eloquence that staggers me. Yes, she has an amazing therapy team. But I still think that it has really been about the time that we have been a family that is a more important component. And maybe (and I apologize for rambling) part of what makes this therapy team so stellar is that they have honored and embraced our family dynamic.
I know I had to heal too. I attended TONS of training, read TONS of books, listened to TONS of experts. Sorry, nothing prepares you as a person for being hated and distrusted when all you feel is love in your heart. Or at least it didn't prepare me. It is easy to say love is not enough. It is hard to live it. And time seems cruel instead of healing a lot of the time when things are going hard.
There are probably people who will feel that it is easy for me to say these things. My eldest daughter does not, and can not live at home with us. But I had to heal from that too, because no parent wants to hear that their child can not be safe, can not ever live in a family dynamic safely and successfully. But time healed that as well. Because the bonds of family encompass Fi whereever she is and we have worked to show that with a really constant secure connection. Visits, calls, letters, it's all there in spades. Pictures of us for her room, pictures of her in ours. She is a part of our conversations and our plans, and that translates to a way of being when we are together that is deeper and more meaningful. And time has given us nuggets of joy that I hold closely when things are rocky and I need to find reserves of strength and calm. I hope we all have enough time and find those nuggets.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Scootering toward Spring!
It has been an odd winter here in the Northeast. Thus far, the offical snow count is something like 7 inches. Last year it was 70 plus. 60 something inches is the average. But trust me, I am not complaining. I can't remember a winter when our kitchen floor stayed cleaner--when there were fewer snow puddles to wipe from the kids running in and out, when rows of wet things--wait where ARE the rows of wet things? To be sure, the kids got sleds for Yule that they have yet to use. But they also got scooters and those have been used almost daily.
Our walks now consist of K or I pep stepping behind 3 racing scooters. It is a great workout and we have been traversing the neighborhood regularly. Lately we have also been observing signs of spring. Little crocii are beginning to push through the soil. The geese are starting to return. The days are longer and the heat of the day comes earlier than winters 3 p.m. time.
I love watching the seasons unfold, but am decidedly blessed that this has been an easy winter And as a bonus, my wife has enjoyed it too and for the first time ever, is talking about retiring to a warmer clime!
Our walks now consist of K or I pep stepping behind 3 racing scooters. It is a great workout and we have been traversing the neighborhood regularly. Lately we have also been observing signs of spring. Little crocii are beginning to push through the soil. The geese are starting to return. The days are longer and the heat of the day comes earlier than winters 3 p.m. time.
I love watching the seasons unfold, but am decidedly blessed that this has been an easy winter And as a bonus, my wife has enjoyed it too and for the first time ever, is talking about retiring to a warmer clime!
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
On the Net again!
I'm back! Did you miss me? (laughing) Probably not, but my computer unexpectedly croaked on Friday night and I was reduced to typing on my Blackberry (which I despise as my fingers are not midget sized and I look like English is not my mother tongue because I hit so many wrong letters.)
But at any rate, I am glad the computer doctor could resurrect my old faithful computer. This is about a 10 y ear old desktop model but I share this setup with 3 kids so I am not upgrading anytime soon. There is still something sort of wonky as when I type on my blog I can not see what I write. Hence I sometimes still look like English is not my mother tongue. However, I am rambling. . .
I freaked a bit over losing the internet as Dee emailed me on Friday. For those who may not remember, this is Rob's older brother. I email him regularly--say once or twice a month. I just say hi or comment on sometning he posts on FB./ I don't want him to think I am stalking him, but I DO want the kid to know that I am open to communication whenever he is ready for it. He visited us once and had a great time. I think though that he was overwhelmed with feelings--relief for his brother, knowing that Rob is both safe and happy--anger and disappointment at how his own situation is so dramatically different. Loss and sadness juxtaposed with happiness and relief. The eternal yin and yang of many adoptions.
I genuinely like D. I think he is a kid with huge potential, among which are artistic gifts. I also suspect he is a kid with a lot of challenges given what has happened in his life. I figure the best thing I can do is what I try and do for Fiona. To show that I care. To show that I will not disappear. You can ignore me. You can choose to not initiate, but I will just gently be there. And hopefully, eventually, things start to feel safer and he will open up more.
I think we are approaching that a bit. I shot him an email just before The Big Computer Crash of 2012 (LOL) and the last thing I read on my computer before I went to bed Friday was a response from him, indicating that he had missed being in contact with us and would like to work something out to connect and catch up. I went to bed with a smile on my face and woke to find out my computer had inopportunely decided to give up the ghost and I could not write back to D.
My phone is a work phone and doesn't have fun stuff on it. I took a huge leap and downloaded a FB app so that I could write to him in Thumblish (this would be the new language invented by the fat thumbed folk of the world who try to text and can not keep the right keys under their thumbs.) But I was at least able to get that message out to him. It was huge to me that his tentative overture not fall into what to a teen would be seen as a void. A couple of days is a blink to an adult--to a teen, it is an eternity. Predictably I have not yet heard back and I am not actually sure I will. I do know I'll write again. And again.
And Saturday Fiona is coming out for a home visit, so life is busy and good on the home front!
But at any rate, I am glad the computer doctor could resurrect my old faithful computer. This is about a 10 y ear old desktop model but I share this setup with 3 kids so I am not upgrading anytime soon. There is still something sort of wonky as when I type on my blog I can not see what I write. Hence I sometimes still look like English is not my mother tongue. However, I am rambling. . .
I freaked a bit over losing the internet as Dee emailed me on Friday. For those who may not remember, this is Rob's older brother. I email him regularly--say once or twice a month. I just say hi or comment on sometning he posts on FB./ I don't want him to think I am stalking him, but I DO want the kid to know that I am open to communication whenever he is ready for it. He visited us once and had a great time. I think though that he was overwhelmed with feelings--relief for his brother, knowing that Rob is both safe and happy--anger and disappointment at how his own situation is so dramatically different. Loss and sadness juxtaposed with happiness and relief. The eternal yin and yang of many adoptions.
I genuinely like D. I think he is a kid with huge potential, among which are artistic gifts. I also suspect he is a kid with a lot of challenges given what has happened in his life. I figure the best thing I can do is what I try and do for Fiona. To show that I care. To show that I will not disappear. You can ignore me. You can choose to not initiate, but I will just gently be there. And hopefully, eventually, things start to feel safer and he will open up more.
I think we are approaching that a bit. I shot him an email just before The Big Computer Crash of 2012 (LOL) and the last thing I read on my computer before I went to bed Friday was a response from him, indicating that he had missed being in contact with us and would like to work something out to connect and catch up. I went to bed with a smile on my face and woke to find out my computer had inopportunely decided to give up the ghost and I could not write back to D.
My phone is a work phone and doesn't have fun stuff on it. I took a huge leap and downloaded a FB app so that I could write to him in Thumblish (this would be the new language invented by the fat thumbed folk of the world who try to text and can not keep the right keys under their thumbs.) But I was at least able to get that message out to him. It was huge to me that his tentative overture not fall into what to a teen would be seen as a void. A couple of days is a blink to an adult--to a teen, it is an eternity. Predictably I have not yet heard back and I am not actually sure I will. I do know I'll write again. And again.
And Saturday Fiona is coming out for a home visit, so life is busy and good on the home front!
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