Healing

Lisa  over at The Grateful House has an amazing post.  Go read it.  She writes better than I do!  LOL  And she speaks such truth.  I think it isn't so much the old saw of "time heals all wounds."  It is more like time helps us to do the work of  healing of those wounds.  In my case, it has been and sometimes is, time of proving that I wasn't leaving.  I wasn't checking out emotionally.  I wasn't budging physically. I.Am.Here.  Because that is part of how I love and a big part of how I define family.

Some kids learn this quicker than others.  Some have been hurt more, or have more cognitive challenges and it takes longer than I wish.   But I see the changes.  I see my son fall asleep on the couch sometimes.  For many years he was so guarded that this was not possible.  He still wakens startled but there is less fear in his eyes.  He laughs more, and he is able to have relationships with peers.

My Fiona has been hurt the most.  She has worked so hard.  She is still often overwhelmed with feelings, with fears. But more and more, she verbalizes.  I think she trusts me.  I think she really believes now that I love her and that I am there forever.  She will talk with me about first family now and doesn't seem afraid that I will be judging or feel angry. She increasingly shares big feelings with an eloquence that staggers me.  Yes, she has an amazing therapy team.  But I still think that it has really been about the time that we have been a family that is a more important component.  And maybe (and I apologize for rambling) part of what makes this therapy team so stellar is that they have honored and embraced our family dynamic.

I know I had to heal too.  I attended TONS of training, read TONS of books, listened to TONS of experts.  Sorry, nothing prepares you as a person for being hated and distrusted when all you feel is love in your heart. Or at least it didn't prepare me.  It is easy to say love is not enough. It is hard to live it.  And time seems cruel instead of healing a lot of the time when things are going hard.

There are probably people who will feel that it is easy for me to say these things.  My  eldest daughter does not, and can not live at home with us.  But I had to heal from that too, because no parent wants to hear that their child can not be safe, can not ever live in a family dynamic safely and successfully.  But time healed that as well.  Because the bonds of family encompass Fi whereever she is and we have worked to show that with a really constant secure connection. Visits, calls, letters, it's all there in spades.  Pictures of us for her room, pictures of her in ours.  She is a part of our conversations and our plans, and that translates to a way of being when we are together that is deeper and more meaningful.  And time has given us nuggets of joy that I hold closely when things are rocky and  I need to find reserves of strength and calm.  I hope we all have enough time and find those nuggets.