Taking Care of the Nana

My mom has always "Promised" that when her husband passed away she would be "moving home." Moving home was code for moving in with Kirsty and I. I am lucky enough to live in a home that has been in our family 4 generations. I have always told her she could live with us. K is understanding of that, bless her heart. I love my mom but she is not an easy woman.

You know the glass half full people? Mom is not one of them! LOL If it is a sunny day, it is too bright. If someone does something helpful, there is an ulterior motive. Somehow, despite this abundant lack of cheer, she has managed to cultivate a cadre of friends in the state she presently lives in. They are good people. Really really good. They showed up at Ken's memorial service. They routinely invite her out for coffee or to events with them etc. I think they should all be canonized because it has made the fact that mom lives 2 1/2 hours away, work. We go often ( every 4 to 6 wks) to visit her. Once it is the whole family, the next time just K. She and K have a ball together.

However the rub comes now that she is truly alone. Her apartment building is up for sale. Though the existing landlord has written leases trying to ensure his favorite tenants (of which Mom is one) get to maintain their amazingly low rent, it is unlikely a new owner will be able to accommodate those rents. And truthfully a new landlord is under no legal obligation to continue those leases. The buildings need updating and that will be their justification and it will be valid. But it might also price mom right out of her apartment. Said apartment is also on the second floor and the stairs to her unit are not the best, particularly for a woman who broke her ankle 3 years ago.

Mom has a cat. When we agreed she could live with us (some 20 yrs ago) Mom did not have a cat. Ken did not like pets and they were not part of their life. However when he went into the nursing home, my sisters cat became my mothers and a loving (though slightly crazed) bond was formed between mom and cat. The thing is, Kirsty is really allergic to cats. We have one cat who isn't the cuddly kind. He is the "keep the old house free of mice" kind of cat. A working cat, as we put it. Mom babies her cat to the point of absurdity. She frets any time my children walk near it. Having the cat in a house with our dog would never work. Our dog and our cat wrestle. Mom would have a heart attack if the dog tried to wrestle her cat. Or her cat would. And Kirsty who has to take allergy meds to visit my mom, would have to take them daily to live in her own home.

So I looked into senior housing in our town. I expected a long wait list. I have been told that due to a weird convergance of events the wait list is amazingly short at the moment. We are talking zero to six months. Mom is alternately thrilled and horrified. The units available are exactly where she would love to live. But she had hoped for more time so that she could enjoy the state she presently lives in without the burden of worrying about getting to the nursing home daily. I get that. However the other reality is that if she does not apply now, the waiting list will suddenly mushroom up again in to a long wait. And she doesn't want that. So she has decided she will at least put in the application and get the letter from her doctor that will state that she has no family nearby to help with medical needs. The housing authority will then waive the requirement that she reside in our city at this very moment

I feel badly that she will not get the time she hoped for in the state she lives in now. But I also feel sad that she can't see a glass half full. This gives her an opportunity to keep her beloved cat, to be near her grandchildren, both my kids and my sisters. When my eldest heard she was thinking of returning to our city, he said he would walk down to see her once a week. Not to be outdone, my Rob promptly wanted to schedule his visit. I know that it will be hard to reestablish herself here. 20 years is a long time away and life has changed greatly here. She isn't sure she wants to attend the same church she attended before. Friends from years past have by and large moved on. This doesn't mean new friendships can not be forged. I offered for instance to bring her to our church if she was interested. (It is the same faith that she practices). She could volunteer locally and make new friends. She could take trips via a very active senior citizens center. She can come to our house for holidays with ease and Sunday dinners or Saturday night suppers if she chooses.

When she lived here before her marriage to Ken, we were definately young women living in her home. Now this is our home, our responsibility and our life is very different with an active family of four children. Trust me there are not a lot of candlelit dinners at our house at this point. I remember that in those days, my mom had lit candles on the table every evening. She needs to be able to have her own place as long as she can, so she can enjoy time with us but also have time for candles and quiet moments. I can't make those moments happen for her here!

All of this is compounded by the problem of the way in which my mother has always viewed me. I am the solution person; her go to person when she wants an answer. Not giving an answer is not an option. She gets angry and hurt and down right nasty. And this has been the dynamic since the year I was 9 and her mother died. So she wants me to provide a housing solution for her. But that doesn't mean that she will embrace the situation even if she agrees to it. And she is only 76. If she lives as long as Ken that gives her at least 20 years to tell me daily how miserable she is!!! LOL