Friday, October 17, 2008

Last night was a weird night and I am feeling grumpy and down in the dumps this a.m. I am like that. If yucky things happen late in the evening, somehow they settle over me as a miasma while I sleep and I waken without feeling refreshed and without the joy that I typically feel at the start of a new day.

I know part of what happened was my fault. I took the kids to the park as usual. We had fun despite the wet weather as the temps were still warm and it is very exciting to slide in the wet--you go really fast, especially when wearing rain gear. :-) We came home and did our usual snacks and i tidied the kitchen and then I gave Lissa her bath. All normal. Gave KC his shower. All normal. The only thing in there was that I discovered in between the snack and the bath of Lissa that the living room was really messy. I asked KC to tidy it and he refused. I thought things over and decided that given the time of day I wasn't going to push things. I would tidy it myself and remove some of the extra toys so that things were not so overwhelming when clean up time came again. Also I had seen Lissa doing more than her share of demo to the room and felt it was not right that a 4 year old got saddled with the mess of a toddler as well as his own. I didn't convey this to Kirsty. She apparently walked into the room while I was showering KC and went ballistic. He exits the bathroom all softly warm and relaxed and she climbs all over him in a loud and really angry voice. He is startled and angry, his normal routine is to cuddle on the couch now and have a story and settle for the night. Instead mom is banging around the living room in a very angry way. I too am unsettled. I relax as well during the littles bath times. It is a time when I really try to have them have a good experience that will help sleep to come easily. We sing, play quietly and have a consistant bath or shower routine. I felt shocked and angry that all my relaxation efforts were being thrown up in the air. I did not support her demands that KC hop to it and clean up the living room. I felt it was unfair to him. And I still feel it was. However I also recognize that it was unfair to have her in a position where we were not a united front. I am not sure what i could have done to make the situation better. I could have allowed her to make KC help but he would have become hysterical at 7:40 at night. At 4 there are only so many emotional reserves a kid has left after a day and it just seemed like a "pick your battles" kind of situation.

However K didn't see it that way and the rest of the evening was very tense feeling. I know she was trying to make up as later in the night she put on some reggae music which is one of my favorite musical genres. More typically she would have put on the weather channel. But I just still feel lousy. I don't like feeling that I let down my wife. But I also believe that our kids are emotionally more fragile than she realizes. They take things to heart much more than she realizes. Even Chet with his issues will recount tales from their arguements when he was little. It is clear that they wound more easily than she believes and heal more slowly from it. She has a strong Viking temper and when in a rage, she is so imposing it is like she takes up all the space in the room. she is just so powerfully angry. It isn't that I think she would physically hurt any of them, it is about their spirits. And mine.

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