Adoption and Mothers Day

There have been a lot of thoughtful posts written about the impact of "mothers day" on kids in adoptive or foster families. We are lucky that our kids totally get into celebrating Mothers Day. Kirsty is convinced it is because I celebrate everything and there may be a nugget of truth there! Every holiday is a big deal in our house. Not as in expensive but big as in fun. As in festive. As in joyful. Because I love those things. And because I think one of the biggest gifts I can give my kids is the ability to just have fun. I don't think Robbie had too many times that were just fun before he came to us. Chet has always had a hard time making friends due to his autism, so it was important to me that fun and celebratory events happen at our home. There he could be Chet, leave when he needed to, and no one was upset. The little kids just love it. KC is totally like me, just loving every celebration and event in life. He has a treasure box where he keeps momentos of things. His string from his St. Pats day celebration, his "birthday boy" pin, his shamrock pin, his mardi gras beads. etc. He looks at them so often and retells the story of what we did then. So in a way, Mothers Day while its focus is on Kirsty, it is also on us as a family. Working together with me at 6 in the morning making special muffins and fruit salad. Painting egg cartons that became a bouquet of the most adorable tulips imaginable. These were a team effort with KC painting, Rob cutting and Lissa carrying the finished product. We hand make our gifts and the kids love crafts. Chet picks violets for the breakfast tray and carries it upstairs. KC follows behind with a tray of gifts. Rob carries the steaming mug of tea and Lissa the aforementioned hand made tulips. It was a procession worthy of note! LOL They all had such fun making it a special day for her. I am grateful for that.

Later I was at church with the kids. K stayed home as we had our piece work to pack and she could do this in a peaceful manner without the bedlam of our children there! (laughing) There were many things about the service that struck me. One was that the focus was on memories. How they are so much more important than anything we can actually own. I know that I would fear a diagnosis of alzheimers more than almost anything else. My memories are my greatest treasure and my greatest joy.

I also know that memories are not always a great joy and that this sad reality is part of what makes the day so hard for some of our kids. But I also wonder if some of the issues of the day are also a fear of losing memories? I know that Robbie still looks at the very first scrapbook I ever made for him. (he has been my child long enough now to have amassed 3 such creations!) I got every picture I could from his social worker. Pictures of foster families, birth family members, siblings, whatever I could glean. I wrote the little that I knew and then eventually moved it into the story of our first meeting and his homecoming. The picture I took of Rob with his brother D when he visited last September has been on our fridge since that date. I can't give him his birth family, but I can keep their faces at least alive in his memory.

The other thing that struck me was the openness with which people shared their stories at what our church calls "joys and sorrows." A young man who is very active in our church stood up. I have known that he was adopted and he and I have talked about the pros and cons of adoption. A year ago I think he was against the idea. This year, I don't think so. He spoke more warmly of his adoptive family and also how he knew essentially nothing about his birth family. He knows the state he was born in, how many siblings he has somewhere, he knows mom was very young when she birthed him and that due to "issues" the state stepped in and the children were placed with adoption. That is the sum total of his knowledge. But he could and did light a candle for her today.

A child who is a member of our church is a foster child. His biological father just died tragically this past weekend.

A mom stood up and shared a more traditional mothers day joy--a book her husband and her daughter made together somehow. It was an amazing book and apparently there are internet resources for making your own book.

My point is the sharings ran the gamut. My kids were sitting there and heard it all. I think the plus is that not only could we support those who shared, but it also made it clear that there are very different families out there. That there is loss and sadness with the joy. And that this was a same place and a safe community for exploring those feelings if they had them, and when they were ready to do so.