Kids Styles

I was reading a blog where a mom was asked by her daughter if she could get her nose pierced. Daughter is 14 and has behavior issues. Mom is clearly grossed out at the request. I tried to write something supportive and thoughtful in response to her post. But it got me thinking as the day went on.

One of my clearest memories of feeling angry and betrayed as a kid happened when I was much younger than 14. I was about 11. I was a child back in the day when you went to a shoe store and someone actually measured your feet, studied them and decided what would be best for the health of your feet. Sadly for me, this led to a long affair with oxford tie shoes. I had blood red ones. I had brown ones. I had black ones. I had black and white ones and black and tan ones. But they were essentially the same shoe. Assured by the salesman that these would cure some alleged problem with a foot turning in, my mother dutifully bought these infernally ugly shoes for me year after year.

And the problem is, I was born with a love of shoes that rivals that of the (in)famous Imelda Marcos. I adore shoes. Not the ugly things I had to wear. REAL shoes. Shoes with heels. Shoes with straps. Loafers with tassles were the first love. Everyone had them. I begged for them. Money was very tight when I was young. My dad was a teacher. He actually made more in the summer as an electrician sometimes than he did during the school year. Mom explained that my feet needed oxfords to be "healthy" and that they could not afford to also buy a pair of "dressy" shoes.

I thought it over and offered to save all my birthday money and all my Christmas money for a pair of the beloved loafers. Would she then let me buy them? She said yes. I did exactly what I said. And a year later with money in my sweaty hand we went to the shoe store. And the shoe salesman told my mother he could not in good conscience sell her a pair of shoes for me that would damage my feet. (these were feet that were all ready jammed into pointe shoes folks!!) I cried. I begged my mom to let me buy the shoes. I promised I would only wear them 3 days a week, twice to school and once to church on Sunday. Mom was swayed by the salesman. We left empty handed. When I was an adult his shoe store went out of business. I cheered! (well not exactly, but I was pretty happy about it)

Anyway what happened was that since my honest effort and proposition came to naught, I smuggled an old pair of my mothers loafers which were 1/2 a size too small into my school locker and wore them every single day at school. My feet incidently were fine. I have no foot problem. But I think the experience taught me a lot as a parent.

First of all, if I negotiate something with my kids, I follow through. Even if I don't like it, I try to allow them opportunities to express themselves the way they want to. With my eldest this has resulted in a man who occasionally has worn nail polish on fingers and/or toes, earrings and cartilige piercings, unusual clothing such as guitar straps turned into belts and carabiners strung together into the same, unusual hair colors and henna tattoos. Oh and a red sequinned baseball cap one year was a fashion statement too!

I confess to some steering in some areas. I have said that cartilige piercings could only happen in the summer when he was less likely to be exposed to infection. Hygiene is an issue for him. I didn't outright say no to a tattoo but postponed until he eventually just moved onto something else. I have nothing against ink, but know that with his autism he is unlikely to be able to handle the sensation caused by getting the tattoo.

Do I love the way he looks? Often not. There are also times where I have said that certain dress codes apply. When we went to a recent memorial service there were no carabiners around his waist. LOL But to church on Sunday, he can dress how he feels expresses himself provided that he will not injure himself or others. This means I can draw a line if I suspect a danger. For instance, a necklace made of heavy chains that might knock out someones teeth would be a no go!

I don't know how the others will express themselves as they get older. My next eldest is so into sports that it is more about having enough team jerseys to wear than a lot of alternative fashion at this point. I suspect KC will be into the unusual and funky. don't know why, just a feeling.
And Lissa? Truly I don't know. The diva princess is my only daughter and I don't have a lot of experience outside of my own fashion ideas with girls.

I guess my only other caveats that I have not budged on and will not is that my boys can't look "gangsta". I won't let them walk down the street looking to others like they are thugs because they aren't, first of all, and secondly I don't want misconceptions to threaten my children's safety. So we have had conversations about those perceptions and how they can impact our lives.

And I won't let my diva princess dress in a sexually provocative manner because she will, like my boys, be taught to respect her body and to expect this from others. Will I always like what she wears? Probably not. But with those caveats, style is up to her. She all ready has some pretty definate ideas of what constitutes 'pretty' so I know she will weigh in! But by and large I don't think it is really important that my kids dress for me. They need to dress for themselves so that they like the self that they share with the rest of the world. My job is to nurture their spirits so that they have the confidence to do that.