Fiona and the Future

Fiona called tonight.  She was very late doing the call and I suspect had not wanted to call initially. She called so  late that the kids were playing outside and as it was close to their needing to come in for showers, I did not call them in to talk to her. They were involved in a game with the neighbors and that did not seem fair.  I did say I would be totally  happy to talk to her and that since it was our first call since we saw each other last Tuesday I'd love to have the time for just  us.

Fiona opened up.  She spoke of her anxiety over the future.  She told me she has nightmares about her first mom and the things that happened then.  About being homeless.  About how much she wants to live here with us, because she wants to have a child of her own someday.  She knows she needs supports and help and doesn't want her life to be like Mom J's  (her birth mom) and thinks it will really be different if she can live with us. She told me how much she regretted breaking the glasses in our house and destroying her room when she lived here. That she had had a great opportunity for a good future and screwed it up.  Which just about slayed me as it was of course far more than that one incident that caused her hospitalization. But that she has been carrying that self blame for more than 10 years is really really horrible.

Hearing her plead to live here killed me.  No child should have to plead for a home. No. one.  Emotionally I was about ready to drive down and get her.  I know it isn't what she needs.  There is work yet to do. She has made huge strides.  In the past 90 days there have been only about 15 days where she has been unsafe.  This is really gigantically huge. It has pretty much never happened before. Amazing Jane asked if I would be willing to help with the apartment search when Fiona gets to that point in her life.  I said absolutely.  I am hoping that my background in subsidized housing will be an asset for us in getting her something affordable and close by.

We talked about our next unsupervised visit.  Fi had a lot of re-entry issues after our last one and naturally did not want to face any of that.  She tried to place the blame on Jane--saying that she felt people should stay out of her physical health stuff when she had a family visit.  (they stopped for gas and she tried to buy something that she can't eat due to her diabetes.)  I tentatively suggested that maybe the real issue with her re-entry wasn't wanting the candy but the disrespectful way that she handled the fact that she couldn't have it.  To my shock, she actually stopped and considered that and decided it was possible that was really the problem.

So I am not really making any sense here and am rambling all over the place.  I did email Jane and say how I would be interested in becoming her legal guardian if Fiona wanted it and if it would not keep her from getting the very important services that have helped her so much.  We will see . . .