Much more snow!

 It has been almost a month since I have had a chance to write!  How did things get so busy?  Especially since Covid is still making life so complicated.  Part of the craziness has been weather related.  Last weekend we had a very large snow event.  This came at a time that my maintenance superintendent was out due to Covid.  My other maintenance man is still learning the ropes and not one I would leave to help my plow guy supervise snow removal for a large storm.  

The reports called for heavy snowfall and blowing and drifting.  I planned to be at the site early Sunday morning to help with the moving of cars so that the lots could be properly cleaned.  My wife told me Friday night that I might not be able to drive in to work on Sunday morning. We live 30 minutes away from my new job and that was something I had not considered.  My brain still defaults to the 3 minute commute I had for so many years.  

So I packed a small bag, grabbed a sleeping bag and spent the weekend at the property.  It wasn't really roughing it. While I was sleeping on the floor there was a rug and a full kitchen and a full bath available to  me.  I was honestly very comfortable.  The plow guy was surprised that I was there, but also very happy to find this out.  

The configuration of the site makes the logistics of plowing a big storm very challenging.  Having management there to make sure residents and their guests cooperated with the plow policy was very helpful.  His crew worked  21 hours straight before they stopped for rest.  Then we were back at it the next day.  But the end result was that the site looked great, the lots were safe for my residents and out of all the vehicles that needed to be moved I only  had to tow three cars.  Which is really good. And they were not resident cars which is even better.

I missed being with my family but thanks to the internet and cell phones we texted and chatted regularly.  When I was not helping the plow team, I found jobs in the office to help pass the time.  It was a good call and I am glad I did it.  My maintenance super is now back at work so hopefully should there be another storm, I can sleep in my own bed!

Finding Me

Or perhaps I should say, finding more of me.  I got a little lost there for a few years.  Lots of kids, lots of stuff going on.  It was and is, all GOOD.  This is not a whine post.  I have enjoyed the parenting journey more than I have words for.  Sure there have been and will continue to be hard times. But my kids and my wife?  They are the best of my life.  Hands down.  That said, I have realized that along the way, kid needs, family needs, tended to supplant any time for myself.  I certainly enjoyed taking the kids to the park every night. And I got some level of fitness from it.  But was it a work out?  Not really.  I grew to treasure summers not just because it is my favorite season, but because with no taxi responsibilities for the kids activities I could take zumba once a week. (and the year she offered it twice a week, I was there for both of them.)

I discovered hot yoga purely because it was the only thing that fit my schedule year round.  Most Saturdays I can devote 9 to 10 a.m. to my yoga practice.  Not every Saturday, but most.  And when I started doing that, I started realizing that really, an hour a week for myself was maybe not quite enough.

I started carving out more time to read in the evenings before i fell asleep.  I refuse to let myself go to sleep  after just doing piece work and planning the next homeschool class.  I told myself I could stay awake for at least 20 minutes each night to read and found that most nights I exceed that. (perhaps even a bit more than i should, but oh, the joy of a good book!)  Because I am on Goodreads I learned the other day that last year I read 53 books!  I think the year before I read something like 12 so that is really a big improvement.  I was always a big reader, somehow evening exhaustion, the challenges of reading in bed when you had two littles that coslept. well it had just drifted away for a bit.

Likewise I have been making time for more fitness in my life. I am weird in that I like to work out.  It relieves stress and helps me feel warmer for at least the 30 minutes or so that I am doing the routine.  I joined an on line fitness group with unlimited videos to follow so that i can keep changing up what I do and do it in the comfort of my home.  It seems doable even when the taxi duties resume next week.  Thus far I have exercised regularly this week and I love that I can change what I do.  Tonight it was Barre and yoga, last night I did a step class. 

It is important to keep this body moving.  This carcass is nearly 60 now and though I have always been flexible and am not a person prone to aches and pains, flexibility and tone just doesn't hang around if you don't work to make it so.  I want to be able to do hikes that interest me, to walk on beaches comfortably long into the future.  Making that a reality means not forgetting to move now.

All of that also I hope helps me to be a better parent and a better spouse.  When I am more relaxed I am more attentive, more receptive to others.  I am a "fixer" by nature, but if i have worked out I am more likely to just listen which tends to be what people really want, instead of charging off trying to save the day!

So though I will likely never again be able to spend 3 and 4 hours a week in a dojo, I have found a reasonable way to enjoy myself and meet this need. 

#metoo

Ever since the recent Hollywood headlines, there has been a Facebook movement called #metoo.  If a woman has been the victim of sexual assault or sexual harrassment, the idea is that one puts the hash tag and words in a status.  My feed is flooded with #metoo by friends coworkers, acquantances and those who I know only via the connections afforded by the internet. The volume of it astounds me.

I too, could place #metoo in a status.  When I was very newly hired by a property management company my equally new boss decided one of my jobs was to take residents down to the basement to access their storage bins.  I was 19 and eager to impress.  I never thought twice about this.  I didn't even think much about the fact that after a while the same GI kept coming to access his storage.  The military folks that lived there back then always had a ton of stuff in storage. They would need to get gear out for when they were going off on a tour etc.  At any rate, my real hash tag should have been color me clueless as I saw no red flags.  Til the day he slammed me up against one of the walls and started kissing me and groping me.

I studied martial arts and had a very instinctive and effective response.  He backed off, feeling very uncomfortable.  I said for him to keep his hands and everything else to himself.  And I was okay with that.  I would be lying if I said I was afraid. during the incident. Startled, yes, and very angry.   I reacted almost without thinking and never felt like I was overpowered. But I remember being furious because the man was married with two young children and what was he doing all over me with that at home?

No, my fear came when I knew I had to tell my boss that I did not want to be alone in the basement any longer.  I was smart enough to realize that what happened once, could obviously happen again. My fear was that I would be seen as a "lesser" employee.  "Gee, can't even send her to storage, have to send a GUY."  My boss to his credit didn't say any of those things.  There was a distinctly awkward feeling to the whole conversation though and for a long time, I was sure that I had damaged my budding career by even mentioning what had happened. In retrospect, for all I know, he might have been inwardly freaking out about what *could* have happened in storage.  Or, as I feared he might have been blaming me, assuming I was sending out sensual signals while I stood in the drafty storage room.

Which brings me to why this movement is important to me.  As women we hide things.  We don't share things that can make us appear diminished or less capable. But we also don't always support those who are brave enough to come forward.  I have heard women I love say "sure, it happened to me too. It was a long time ago.  It is time to move on."  Words that are not that easy for everyone because every situation is so very different.

I have also read women I love and respect speak of the things they do automatically to ensure their safety, checking where they park, making sure their keys are out, being aware of their surroundings.  I do these things as well, but always allayed it to my many years of studying karate . . . until one of my friends pointed out that in most cases male martial artists would not survey the surroundings in this manner every time they go out.

This does not mean i am cowering in fear anywhere.  In fact, I need to write a post soon about an incident that happened on the way home from church at some point soon.  I don't hold back from involving myself if I see someone who needs help.  But I also try to keep myself safe.  It's all about balance and I guess as women we walk that tightrope an awful lot.

Mostly, this campaign has made me realize that this is NOT the world I want for my daughters.  I don't want a flood of me toos.  I want a world where they are safe to be themselves, to walk in normal places without being afraid of undue attention, to know that workplaces can and should be safe for all. And if any of my kids are non hetero this all goes double as I know from sad statistics that things are even worse then. And if the world is not kind, and the gods are harsh, and my kids someday need to write #metoo, I hope that they will be enfolded, loved and given an opportunity to heal.

The Great Face Plant

Mostly I write about my kids.  Today I will write about me.  Two days ago I walked out of my office and slipped on the plastic Tr** decking and launched myself airborne down the stairs to the pavement.  I could not time things more badly if I tried.  10  minutes later my new upper level management boss was coming to the property to meet the site staff for the first time.  Her first impression of me consisted of a bloody face and a huge ice pack covering the rest of it.

It is not fun.  My face looks like hamburger but will heal.  Apparently I don't have that instinct most people do to put up their hands when they fall.  I literally face planted.  Not a mark on my hand!  In reality it was just all so fast there was no time to react.  I definately have a small concussion.  I have that mid day killer head ache thing going every day now.  I have had concussions in my long ago misspent youth.  I know that this will just take time to resolve and heal.  My mouth took some damage as one might expect.  It is hopefully not huge repairs. Several chipped teeth and I managed to dislodge a filling in this event! I also pushed back my front teeth somewhat, making it difficult to close my mouth. Kind of like giving myself instant braces. Fun times.  My dentist saw me right away and was able to file my bottom teeth slightly so that I could close my mouth better.  He feels that if I stay off solids for 2 weeks that he will be able to fix the rest of this pretty well.  So that is really good news. 

So I am trying to be positive and upbeat about this.  It could have been much much worse.  My company's workmans compensation seems like it will pay for any associated medical bills for the dental work.  I will likely lose a few pounds on my liquid diet.  (but oh I am missing my salads and fresh fruits fiercely)  It is a long weekend so I am having time to make some soups to put up for next week.  The long weekend may also mean that my face will look more presentable by the time I return to work on Tuesday.  (I was at work the day after the accident but had today all ready scheduled as a vacation day)

You know that song "I Believe I Can Fly?"  News flash.  I can't.

Womans March Weekend

The changing of the guard has happened and our country has a new president.  It has been a strange week for me emotionally.  I have felt (and still feel) that the results of this election showed me that I needed to be in meaningful dialogue with those who don't see the world through the same lens that I do.  The majority of my friends IRL and on social media do, but there are some Trump folks that I am friends with.

What shocks me is that they aren't really interested in meaningful dialogue.  In a long thread with a friend on FB the gist of his responses was that "the election is over. Get over it."  Obviously this is not what I and a number of other respondents were saying.  We voiced our fears.  I reached out and said that I wanted to know why he felt good about the result.  What great changes did he expect and look forward to.  Crickets.  Seriously.  Just more rhetoric of getting over the election and no response to the concerns that I and others shared about health care, LGBT rights, the environment, the black community etc.

Obviously this left me disheartened.  I have pretty much always avoided talking politics and religion with my friends. I feel that people share many different interests and we don't need to agree all the time but we also don't need to make each other uncomfortable.  I have since come to feel that this is not a good stance to take.  I need to share why I am concerned for my family in a Trump presidency.  I need to respectfully share why I am opposed to a number  his ideology.  But I also believe firmly that if you do  believe that things will be better I want to know why.  And how.  Because clearly I have lived for too long in my blue state bubble and now I am faced with what seems like an incomprehensible reality.

So on the heels of that rather depressive situation came a weekend where our country protested.  So many marches in so many cities.  I had friends marching in Boston, NY, Washington, KY and OH and TX.  It was a strong and powerful message sent across our country and around the world as marches of solidarity took place in other countries as well.

It is only the beginning.  There is much work to be done.  I will find a way to be part of that work.  (My daughter had commitments on Saturday that I could not back out of and no way for her to attend them if I was not there.) But this is not, and can not be, a one off event.  Our church is all ready looking at ways to organize not just our church but with other churches in our county.  The work will not be easy.  But we will be heard and we will not stay silent.

Work Day Fun

Those are two words that are typically mutually exclusive!  (laughing)  However today is going to be a different kind of day.  The place where I work has the dubious distinction at present of not having a budget that will allow us to have a landscaper plant flowers.  Last year I suggested that we buy the flowers and have a staff planting day.  We tried it and it was very successful. The area looked so much better for our efforts.

This year, with finances again tight, we are having the second annual staff planting!  It is gorgeous outside today.  Sunny and bright and the temperature is just right for working out there.  I will get to spend HOURS outside today and get paid for it!  Usually my outside time is only on weekends or in the evenings after supper.

Also last night, Fiona called. She was very upbeat and gave Jane an excellent re-cap of our day together on Saturday.  She and Jane also said that they have written a letter to DCF asking that I become her guardian.  I have all ready written what I need to for that.

Fiona then asked about a belly piercing.  I have had one, though I stopped wearing jewelry there about 6 years ago.  I was able to explain to her that it was not the safest  choice for her. I confess to using a mythical conversation with a doctor but it seems to have worked.  My concerns regarding it are Fi's on again off again hygeine.  That particular area can infect easily and it is extremely serious if it does.  Fiona is also diabetic which makes the risk of infection higher in and of itself.

She then asked about a tattoo. LOL  I said we could try a henna tattoo and see how that works.  Fiona has an almost constant fidget. I think it is along the line of a tic and is something she can not stop.  Her body sort of moves a bit at all times.  I am hoping the henna art would fill her need for self adornment.  They can be really elaborate and they last for quite a while also.

She also remembered that I had told her that when she moves to a new home that we would get her a cell  phone and pre-program it with our number.  Sometimes what Fiona  remembers and what she does not astounds me.  That cell phone talk was easily a few weeks ago and she recalled it perfectly.  Yet so many day to day things are truly forgotten, lost in the mists of trauma and brain injury.

Jane loved the idea and said that perhaps we would even get the phone before she graduates so that she can practice being responsible for it and making calls to us herself on it.  Cool!

Teen Anecdote

I have not been on Facebook much the past week or ten days.  But last night I was on for a short bit.  I was reading a conversation Rob was having with a friend about where he (Rob) wanted to work.  Rob said he wanted to work at a large department store.  His girlfriend (who all ready has a job) said "yay, you finally want a job!"  His best friend said "won't  you be too tired?  Don't forget you have a job on Sundays (volunteer maintenance at a childrens museum).Best friend is not an energetic ball of fire!   Rob said to his best friend, "don't worry about me, I have a mom who can do that.   Made me smile.

Welcome Summer!

Rob's girl called last night and they talked for hours (literally)on the phone.  I don't mind. I remember doing that. And he leaves Saturday for away camp for a week and I am sure that they feel they have to communicate eveey last second until then. LOL  Today they are spending the afternoon and early evening together.  T's parents will do the transportation; they have stepped up lately and done a bit more of that and it is much appreciated.  The happy couple don't live in the same city and till recently it was always on us to transport.

We launch into summer with record breaking high temps (97) which I adore.  And in my new office space I don't have to worry about anyone feeling uncomfy so I have just had windows open and a fan on and it is divine.  Last year I had to put up with a/c and it makes me miserable. I get really cold really quickly.

My wife has been repainting our living room.  The trim is all sparkling bright white. The walls are all a pretty blueish green. Today and glaze goes on the wall that gives them a bit of texture and hopefully makes the paint a bit more green than blue.  The blue is pretty but is definately clashing with the rug in a way that our color chip did not! LOL

And all that reno work is serving to highlight the fact that we need to do something about our front hall.  Whch has not had anything done to it in more than 20 years. The wallpaper is faded and stained.  The closet system does not work--it is screaming for a makeover.  .    .  She and I sat in the dining room to talk about closet options (the front hall has none and just pegs and a freestanding armoire) and we noticed how dingy the wallpaper looks in the dining room.  It is about 15  years old and. . .

Ever read the book If You Give a Mouse a Cookie?   This is the grown up version.  It is called, If you Paint a Wall"

Rob has a job interview

I have gone easy and slow on the job thing with Rob.  Partly because I feel that kids need time to be kids.  Kids from trauma especially need to be kids and to learn that adults can be trusted to care for them.  Jumping into adult like responsibilities too soon just didn't feel right to me.

Added to that, Robis a quiet kid, with some PTSD issues that would have made going through a job interview painful at best and possibly damaging until recently.  In the past six or eight months I have seen a bit more self assurance in him.  So when an opportunity came up to apply as a summer counselor for the camp that happens at the complex I work at, I suggested that he apply.  It is only 6 weeks which also makes it a nice entry into the job world, still leaving time for his away camp and other summer fun.

He applied and today was his interview.  He was nervous but seemed to handle himself pretty well.  He drove into work with me and we talked about some of the questions the interviewer might ask and what he could say to show that he was a good worker.  In all honesty he is very good with kids and also has experience outside of our family, having volunteered in our church nursery for many weeks.

I think he was surprised that the questions we prepped for were actually asked!  But now we wait to see what the final decision is.

Work Changes

I have so much to write about the kids, but work deserves a post or two as well.   Work has changed a lot for me in the past year and a half.  There was the roller coaster of  learning a lot of new tasks and skills when our company was purchased by new owners.  There was the stress of my long time manager being fired last fall. Though his departure was necessary (and for me even somewhat welcome) it was still stressful.  Then there was the disappointment of finding out that I was not going to be considered for his position.  And this January getting a new manager.

That would all be enough change for me, but our company also has a mandate on all properties that they manage that there be a separate private office for the interviewing of applicants. This is because our interviews deal a lot with personal financials due to our subsidy programs.  It makes sense, but I had a large spacious office that I shared with a coworker whom I like.  I had suggested a potential floor plan change  that would allow the needed privacy but this was all begun back when my old boss was there. He hated my idea and said we would simply cut our large office into two.

This finally happened about two months ago.  I spent more than a month working literally in the construction zone.  We could not let clients into the space but we could work in the hard hat zone and did, running back and forth to deal with customers at the other end of the building.  It was fairly insane but this is not the kind of office where you can work remotely for a month.

When it was done, we had two nice and pretty tiny  10 x 10 offices.  Powers that be finally figured out that I was right and there was not going to be room for the 4 gigantic lateral files that house tenant records and which I use daily, in my office.  Not and have room for anyone to sit down and meet with me. I tried to like the space but I really  hated it.  It was dark, despite the gold colored accent wall they gave me (I was not allowed to pick out my paint because they hired a 'colorist'.)  On cloudy days the beige on the other walls reminded me of the color of spackle as it dries.  I am slightly claustrophobic and although I was dealing, this was not a happy work space for me.

So, more changes.  A gigantic room that used to house computers for our residents was emptied and renovated to become my new office space.  There is room in there for all the files, an L shaped desk, a conferance table to meet with residents and applicants and 4 chairs around it comfortably.  With all that, there is still room to walk around!  I was allowed to pick out my own paint.  I did not ask for any of this, but am very happy that it happened.

It was sort of a carrot for something else that happened that the upper management knew I would not like.  I was previously Assistant Property Manager.  I liked the responsibilities because I like varied work duties.  And because obviously I am trying to prove that I am worthy of being promoted to a managership.  However due to the scope of our subsidy work and the fact that presently I am the only person highly trained in it, my coworker was promoted to Assistant Property Manager, a new person was brought in as a Management Assistant and I was given the new title of Manager of Compliance.

I am a make lemonade out of lemons kind of girl.  So I thanked them and asked what I could do concurrently with the compliance so that I can further my education for a managership.  I have been open from day 1 that I do not love doing paperwork all day long (ironically my wife loves the idea of just doing paperwork!) I am a big picture person who likes to have different tasks to rotate between.  I  was given the opportunity to meet with them in a month and cherry pick two of my former tasks that I liked that were removed from me when I was given sole responsibility of the dratted compliance.  I also received an assurance that I would be allowed to take advantage of educational opportunities that pertained directly to the property management angle as opposed to solely compliance.

In the midst of all of this, my wife who worked Saturdays at the same apartment community lost her job.  It was an elimination of her position, not a firing. But the lost income was a worry and the blow to her self esteem was hard as well.  Thankfully, she has been able to find a new position which she started today and I hope it is a good fit for her. I'll find out when she comes home tonght

Touchdown. . . you re-entered real life!

We had a very good flight back home despite having our planes takeoff delayed. This was difficult for Chet who thinks schedules are carved.in.stone.   Yesterday was my first day back at work and a couple hours in, I kind of felt like I was almost but not quite back in the groove.  Work is a super high speed environment and it was hard to leave the relaxed feeling of Florida behind.

Last night was also the night that Fiona calls us and she did make the call.  I reminded the kids at supper that we were not going to mention anything about our trip because it is hurtful to remind people we love of something they could not do with us. Then I crossed my fingers.  It is a big concept for a young 8 and a flighty 5 year old.  But they rocked it out!!!  KC talked to her about budgeting. Fi has begun trying to learn to budget for her "luxury" items (she wants a video game system first).  KC is trying to save for his own CD and radio player so this was the gist of their entire conversation.  Lissa just got the sillies and was goofy on the phone, I suspect that she was so concerned about messing up that she said little as a result. That is okay with me.  Even saying little, she was cute and nothing hurting happened.  Rob talked to her about his girl and asked Fiona what she was going to wear to the prom which is coming up in June.

So tis all good.  The kids informed me last evening that they had talked to K and would like to return to Florida in 2 years. So I guess we will be saving again.  LOL  I was going to make a pitch for San Diego but whatever.  The second trip they want to do Sea World and Busch Gardens and not do Disney.

Vacation inches closer!

Friday!!!!! This is my last day of work  before vacation.  Well not really as I am going into the office on Saturday for a few hours. But my last official day and i am so excited.  I have fun doing anything with my kids but a big trip to sunny Florida?  Woo hoo!  I am SO ready.  We have carry ons about packed and Monday I will do the banking. We are not charging anything. I am real proud of that as I have saved and scrimped for this experience for 2 full years.  And in a way, the idea of renting a house really came from the blog world.  I read about the trip  that a bunch of adoptive moms took to Florida 2 years ago and discovered they rented gorgeous houses.  Saw pictures.  Drooled.  Talked to a friend who had also rented a house.  And took the plunge.  I am hoping it helps my oldest to stay more centered during the trip.  As excited as I am, and as excited as Chet is, a week of new experiences and changes in routine for him is a lot.

We have one day planned to do nothing. Just hang at the house and play in the pool and the game room and chill.  It was hard for me to cross going to the place with zip lines off my list of things to do. (I am not joking!!) But there will be other times and other zip lines, and I want to do everything I can to help him be successful.

We have finished up all our piece work to turn into the local factory today so that is all set for our leave taking as well.  My wife has found one 3 hour job on Saturdays that will start sometime after our return from vacation.  And she has an interview on Monday the night before we leave, for a second.  Tonight Rob and his girl friend will get to hang out for a few hours so that the two of them will be able to survive a week apart.  And Saturday is the Kentucky Derby.  Life doesn't get much better!

Pushing on to Friday!

The week is almost over and in some ways it seems to have flown by.  But I am tired.  Working 7:30 to 5 is getting old--especially since I do another 3 hours or so on average of piece work here at home once the kids are all abed.  The good news is that tomorrow we are working only until 3 p.m. as our company is closing early for the holiday.  This will be the first time in my life that I have worked for a company that gave MLK Day off.  It isn't like I am going to kick back or anything over the weekend, but it will be a bit of a breather and that  will be good.  On Tuesday my co-worker will be back and that will be a blessing.  On Wednesday my new boss will start.  That is most likely good but another kind of stress.  And I am still coming to terms with the fact that I wasan't really considered for the position and given a chance to show what I believe I could do.  Oh well, that which doesn't kill us makes us stronger.  I am all about being stronger.  Oh and my computer has a new wonky habit.  I can't see what I am typing when I am keyboarding.  I have to type blind and then hit my enter key when I am done.  It is very weird.

Catching Up!

My week at work was amazingly hectic.  I worked 7:30 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. every day.  I usually work 8 to 4.  Since I never take lunch it was flat out busy to say the least.  My co-worker is in sunny Florida for two weeks and our new manager does not start till the 17th so for most of the week I was doing alone what 3 people usually do.  At one point I had a call on the land line and a work call on my cell at the same time and it was totally surreal--seemed like a bad movie or something.  On the plus side, the days sure flew by.  And I got a ton of stuff done, though not nearly as much as I needed to, naturally.

The down side was I was home with the kids much less than usual and we all missed that.  We made up for it today with lots of fun together doing our usual Saturday things and ending our day with "dinner and a movie."  In our case, veggie burgers and fries while watching Mr. Poppers Penguins!  It was a great movie for all of us to enjoy.  Even Chet came down and shared in the fun with us. KC is going to be just like I was though--he gets very angry when  a movie deviates from what he read in a book.  He liked the movie but was really annoyed about the changes.

Tomorrow we have all day together too as my wife has her runaway day.  She was feeling her own levels of stress heighten from being alone with the kids more so she has Sunday all to herself.  And Monday night I have purchased her a spa treatment at a small local establishment. So hopefully that will keep her sane in the coming week which promises to be more of the same.

I also got a great email from Amazing Jane. It was a forwarded thread of conversation that Jane has had with Fiona's social worker regarding first family contact and future placement when at age 22 she ages out of the Great School in the City.  Jane has been very active and supportive of first family contact and has tried to facilitate a lot of positive things.  Unfortunately they often fall through because the family do not understand the need to keep their commitments to Fiona.  At this point the way things stand, the social worker is in agreement that should there be no significant change in the first family involvement and reliability she will advocate for Fiona to be placed in an adult setting as close as possible to us. 

I feel glad and sad about this.  Glad for us and the relationship that I have with my daughter. Sad because it is once again more proof that for whatever reason, a wide variety of people are not able to be there for someone who needs them.  The first family is huge--not like me who has only one sister and a couple of cousins.  There are legions of people and most of them live in the same general area.  I don't know their circumstances and I really really try not to judge.  But I know that as much as Fiona loves us, our constancy and presence also has the effect of reminding her that her blood  kin can't be counted on. That they say they will come and don't.  That they disappear without notice and without sharing why.  I know how this hurts her and I grieve for that.  But, that being said, at least if she can be nearer, she can be here on holidays, she can come for dinner she can hang out with us when we do our goofy family things.  It isn't all that she wants but it is love and support that she does value.

Loss

Death has brushed past me in my life the past two days.  Not in a personal way, but taking people I knew, and I hate that.  In both cases, the people involved are individuals I knew from my work.  The first one, made choices regarding substance abuse that ultimately took her young life.  It is sad.  She is not the first of her family to do this and it is chilling to me to leave children behind because of that choice. I knew her before her demons ran her life and she was sweet and cheerful and caring. 

Then just yesterday, another individual passed away from an unexpected medical problem that required immediate surgery.  Talking with her shattered adult daughter was one of the hardest things I have done.  I remember her mom as one of the nicest people I have dealt with, cheerful in the face of adversity, hopeful and always always careful to make every appointment that we had.

It is never easy to lose someone, but losing them around the holidays is always the hardest.  My heart goes out to their families.

Catching My Breath!

The past few weeks have been full.  Full in both positive and negative ways.  Watching my kids perform at a coffee house, watching my teen stretch and grow, watching my littles try new things.  All good.  But we have also battled some nasty health things lately--KC's sudden bout of pneumonia, Lissa's bronchial infection, K's cold. My mom has some health issues, as had K's dad.  Work has been intense and the holidays approach bringing stress and joy in equal measures. Actually if I remember back to my sociology days, it is technically called "eustress and distress" but science has pretty well shown that regardless of whether we may enjoy the stressor, the result on our bodies is pretty much the same. 

So that makes me thankful that I have vacation this week.  A week to take things down a notch or two. Today after church I spent over an hour playing Wii fit with the gang and not thinking about work prep at all.If you knew me IRL, you would know that is very unusual.

I wish for all of us to have a bit of time to breathe, to find a moment of inner peace in whatever way works best for you!

Pity Party is Over

Well truthfully it was over after about 2 hours yesterday.  I can't really spend hours being morose over something like a promotion.  I wanted it a lot.  I felt qualified and excited about the challenge and changes I could envision.  But it isn't happening.  I had a shower, cried, and then wrote an email to the 3 people who met with me. I thanked them for taking the time to speak with me. Said that clearly I saw things differently but I respected their position and looked forward to continuing my professional growth.   I almost immediately got a very nice email back from one of them.  He said that he was very sorry  about the delay (and he stressed delay, not denial) of the promotion. He has promised to support my professional growth and pointed to the fact that 3 other people under him have been promoted up. He said he believes in promoting from within and feels confident it will be in my future, just not right now.  I don't know if it was salve or truth. I am operating on the latter because I really believe in trying always for the best and though I know humanity means I will miss the mark, I will always be better for having tried my hardest.

Job News

Well in case anyone was waiting with bated breath, I will not be receiving a promotion any time soon.  I had a great training session with a bunch of other people from other sites.  It was helpful and even kind of fun.  Then at 2:30 they pulled me out of the training for what I thought was my interview.

Only it was really so that they could, as kindly as they could, explain that there was no way in hades that they were promoting me.  I do not have sufficient experience logged with the new company for them to feel confident in my skill set.  They are happy that I want a promotion (????) and are in fact willing to allow me to continue taking trainings for this position.  I did have to explain that due to my migraines I was really applying for this particular site. The site which has been my work passion and which is so close to my home that if I have a headache I know I will get home at the end of the day without killing someone on the road.  They did not know I had migraines--which I guess is a testament to my work ethic.  They understood, but it also means that if whoever they hire loves being a manager at this site that I am SOL.

I am sad, but am trying to look at this optimistically.  I am not worse off than I was before.  It is sad that they have so little faith in me but all I can do is be who I am and do what I do to the best of my ability. And I have a job when so many people don't.

But all that aside, it sucks.

Wish me Luck!

I got a call from our corporate office after I got home from work today.  I am at a training tomorrow and they have decided that after the training they will speak with me about my interest in the managers position where I work.  Gulp.  I am glad that I will at least have the chance to interview.  I hope they see potential in me. 

This was not the greatest of days at work.  We were not told of a key policy of our new company and now, a mere 10 months later, it comes to light.  Sheesh.  When I said that no one had told us of this policy the response was "well I will just start treating you like a child."  Yup. That inspires lots of confidence and faith in my abilities being recognized!

On the plus side (you know me, Pollyanna to the end!) I was told later on good authority that another superior (lots of chiefs in my line of work!) came to my defense, and I was also told that this was just one of those mis-speakings and not a sign of displeasure on the part of the person that said it. That they meant, they should remember to look at me as a neophyte in the company instead of automatically assuming that due to my years in the industry I would automatically know how this firm operates.  I don't know if that is collossal cover up or not, but I am choosing to believe it.  I want to have lots of positive energies and vibes going into tomorrows meeting and that won't happen if I don't believe in myself.

Comings and Goings

My wife is in KY visiting a friend.  She left at 3:30 a.m. yesterday but thanks to the internet we know she arrived safely and is having fun.  My mom arrived yesterday for an overnight stay and has left a short time ago. She visits rarely as she does not like to leave her cat alone, so it is a treat for us when she comes. Despite the personality quirks that occasionally drive one round the bend, there comes a time in life when mortality is more understood. Perhaps, losing Kirsty's mom so young also made if more real, but I feel lucky that she is still pretty healthy and able to enjoy life and be a part of ours. 

Tomorrow I have to have Rob at our church by 9 a.m. as the Youth Group leaves on a mission trip to Maine. There is a place midcoastally that does a lot for a very impovished area of the state.  The youth group goes and helps cut and stack wood for winter fuel, paint outbuildings or dorm rooms for the homeless who will reside there and sometimes help out with childrens games for any youngsters who may be guests at the time.  Rob was too young to go last year but this year at 15 he is eligible and excited.  He is pretty well packed, we just need to add toiletries and his meds.

My littles are going to really miss big bro Rob being gone as he will not return till Monday night.  So I have a variety of crafts planned to keep them occupied.  However this morning, KC woke with a cold so things may wind up being fairly low key.

Meanwhile I have been connected to work and doing what I can here at home.  This is not an optimal time for me to have to take 3 days off but through the magic of the internet and remote servers I am able to contribute a surprising amount from here at home. This is pretty much my first experience with remote working so it is kind of a marvel to me!  However the bong that my blackberry makes everytime a new email comes in that needs my attention gets to me after a while!