Reaching for the new normal

Most of the state I live in has cautiously re-opened.  There are differences though.  It is not a return to what we had before.  I am not sure it ever will be.  For instance my bank is still in person by appointment only.  Most transactions are by ATM or from a remote teller during the day.  They are still not open extended hours and my son has to use the night depository for his paychecks as a result.

My beloved yoga studio is opening for two months only with severely limited numbers in the class and a requirement to wear masks the whole time.  I have thought this over and I can not see me successfully doing yoga with a mask on. So I will revert to my home exercise program with Beachbody.  I can't do yoga successfully without someone really watchng my posture for me.  What feels straight to me is not, because I have scoliosis and am always slightly off kilter as a result. But I can do barre, I can do a lot of strength training, those things I can do without issue here so I have to resign myself to that being my only official exercise.

Today Elisabeth is at a social distance birthday party for a close friend. They are having dinner for 5 girls at a local restaurant. The restaurant has social distancing.  You wear a mask till the food arrives.  The wait staff are masked. The menus are disposable.  After the dinner they are returning to my friends home where they will sit on the patio and watch the present opening and have cake.  Is it perfect?  Probably not.  But I let her go because as worried as I am about Covid (and I do worry) I also worry about my kids emotional well being.  For Elisabeth particularly, the need for some in person socialization is very evident. And if this thing is going to be around for the long haul, my gut feeling is that hiding in our homes is not going to save us.

Today I decided to go raspberry picking.  I have always picked a lot of fruit. When the kids were little I had 2 helping me pick and one strapped on my back and one I dragged along beside me in a car seat type gizmo.  We would do strawberries, raspberries, blueberries peaches and apples.  This year our state did no pick your own strawberries, but they are doing raspberries.  Like everything, this is a familiar experience with unfamiliar guidelines.  We used to ride a wagon down to the fields, the benches filled with laughter and chatter as groups of us became acquainted and talked about our plans for the fruits of our labors.  We'd have cold water in water bottles with us because this is thirsty work and the sun is hot. We would wander through the rows of produce looking for the biggest berries or the juiciest ones.

Now you have to make a reservation to pick (unless you show up super early like I did!) You must wear a mask the whole time you are in the field.  There is a mandatory handwashing station.  You have to walk down to the fields, no more tractors pulling a wagon of eager pickers. And just like the grocery stores, the rows of fruit are one way rows with arrows to show which way to go.

It was definately not as pleasant--picking with no hydration in a mask will never be something that could be called comfortable when it is 85 degrees and humid.  But it felt like at least in some way I was doing something that I was able to do pre-Covid. There was something important about that for me--especially as I keep in contact with my sister in AZ who has the virus and is trying to get healthy.

(note: I actually picked four containers but didn't think to snap a pic until I had the first one flash freezing!)

Cards of Hope

Today I asked the kids to make cards and/or write letters to my mom. She lives two states away and is greatly feeling the impact of our inability to visit the way we usually do.  She is getting on in years and has some aches and pains that are not unusual for her, but which I think feel magnified in this period of anxious isolation. I write to her by email twice daily and call several times a week but it is not the same.  It is not filling her well with what she needs.

When I got home from work today all the cards had been made and they were all so beautiful. Cheery thoughtful loving messages that I know will help.  KC in particular had written a lovely letter that also gave insight into how he was feeling--always a plus for a mom of a teen!  He said that he thought she was feeling pretty lonely because this was hard on all of us and he felt that way too. But that he was trying to keep busy by staying connected with friends on line. And that he had been enjoying family dinners which he had really been missing. That he enjoyed games and movies with the family and that we would all get through this.  That he could pass on what I have been trying to create and model for them here, gives me hope that they are absorbing this.  I don't want them to be nervous and fretful.  I also don't want them to be reckless with their health or that of others.  But there has to be a middle ground where we live the life we have, the best way we can. Those cards give me hope that will happen.

KC's Birthday

 This was to be the "big" birthday.  The kind we NEVER do.  With a tent in the back yard and friends and music and food that was catered.  16 is  a big one!  And KC had asked for that.  He does not ask for much and gives greatly of himself so we had agreed.  Then, Covid-19  And in the scope of the world problems, how to celebrate a birthday is small.  But like a paper cut, small wounds can hurt deeply too and this one did.  He has been great about it.  Honestly I think I think about this just as much as he must.  I hate that my son--and so very many kids--are missing mile stone moments that can not be recaptured.    However, I am not going to sit and sob.  So I set out to make a home party that would be fun and memborable.  KC loves dance, movies and musical theater.  So I got foam board and with an old piece of PVC, an empty flower pot and an oatmeal container covered in black paper I made what sort of resembles those big moveable spot lights they use on stage.  I have tested it and a high powered flash light fits into it and shines ib the big glittery 16 that I made on the foam board.

 To further have the movie theme, I found images of movie reels, spent a ridiculous amoutn of time trying to find movies with the number 16 in them (that was crazy hard!) and wrote those on the "film."

 My wife took two pieces of white foam board and made these awesome happy and birthday signs.  I know KC who loves to save memorablia will save these.

 We had a left over star from some other birthday and I printed a picture of him and put him on it.  There are also a few other decor items that we have saved from prior decorations--those wire and foil 'sprays" of stars  Those can't go out till right before the party because one or all of our critters will try to eat them. 

There will be two parades past our house that KC does not know about.  One is the folks I work with.  My boss had everyone make birthday posters and they are driving by between 11;30 and 11:45  At about 2:00 p.m. a parade of his dance and youth group friends are going to drive by as well.

I made home made cinnamon buns for breakfast--I suppose I could have included a pic of the nearly empty pan as those went FAST and we are going to see whatever movie he wants later today or this evening.  We are ordering out for supper and will have home made cake and his party then.

The bottom line is that we can choose to celebrate or we can choose to be sad.  We choose to celebrate KC and all that is amazing and joyful and full of promise!

Of Change and Covid-19

Life is different these days.  I never fully realized just how busy and involved our family is--how wide and rich our circle is, until it suddenly shrank. And shrank. And shrank some more.  Our church has made the difficult decision to suspend in person services and Religious Exploration classes.  We are utilizing technology to meet via zoom and remain connected.  It is of help, but we are all aware that it is not the same and that all may not participate in that manner.  My daughter Elisabeth's Coming of Age program is suspended until they can safely resume meetings and make their field trip to the Big City, have their retreat and the other important components that make up the Coming of Age year.  My kids dance school has closed for at least one week.  It is unclear whether the recital date will change and how this will impact practices for the lead characters in their production of Beauty and the Beast.  This is definately not how he expected his first year having a lead to unfold. 

My job is expected to continue in a rather unique fashion where we will report to work and work with the doors locked, interacting with tenants and prospective residents by phone and email and fax only.  I have yet to figure out how this translates to lease signings and the federal paperwork that make up my day but we will figure this out.

Schools are closed which also means that my daughters Scout troop is not meeting until some undetermined date. Her encampment event in April with the Scouts is also cancelled.  I had a gathering planned at a friends house to learn about a product she sells.  This has been postponed and she is posting info on line.  Our annual trip to Maine to the maple sugar festival has been cancelled.

I have told the kids that this is going to be our Walden time.  A time to hunker down and spend time as a family.  We will have time for reading and board games, family walks and movie nights.  Our pantry is well stocked--my legacy of food insecurity when I first moved out on my own translated to me always wanting a healthy pantry.  I may have a bit less than optimum papergoods, but we will not go hungry. There are all the staples and I love to cook so I have no worries in that regard.

There are things we can not plan for but we will trust that with perserverance, common sense and yankee ingenuity that we will all be fine and come through this.  May you all be safe and find solace in the love of family in these new and differant times.

Instant Love

Well, Instant Pot that is!  We got an instant pot about 6 months ago.  I am officially in love with it.  For me as a vegetarian I can cook whole grains and beans quickly and easily.  I can saute, slow cook and pressure cook all in the same pot.  Have I ever moaned about how much I hate doing dishes?  The IP means literally one pot to clean up.  My favorite veg things to make are hard boiled eggs, chili, vegetable soup, broccoli soup, refrieds, and black bean soup, risotto, cooked barley in tomato sauce and I am sure I am forgetting a host of others.  This has been a life saver since this year KC and Elisabeth are in different dance groups and much of my time is spent running between home and the studio.

However, the IP has also been helpful for cooking for my wife.  She works a different schedule from our family eating schedule and this has led to really unhealthy eating choices for her. (read fast food on a regular basis or skipping supper and enjoying a really big bowl of ice cream)  I get that when you get home around 7:30 or 8 no one wants to cook.  I suggested that I leave her a plate of whatever supper I had prepared for the family but she steadfastly declined. 

I eventually realized that this was because she no longer ate a vegetarian diet.  While I think that the veg diet would be healthier, that is not my choice.  The dilemma is that after 30 years of not eating meat, I really get grossed out by meat.  I am not being mean, it just literally grosses me out. BUT in the Instant Pot I don't really have to handle it.  I don't even have to look at it for long.  I know, some folks are probably doing that eye roll that happens when omnivores have to put up with vegetarians.  But it seriously is important to me. 

I suggested to her that we get some freezer storage bowls, similar to those used for TV dinners and I would make her some meals to freeze.  Then she pops it in the microwave when she gets home and all is good.  I have found a number of meals that she likes--honey garlic chicken is a favorite, as well as something called mississippi pot roast (which I used chuck roast for)  I did a beef stew that went over well and a hamburger stroganoff. For someone who will not taste test any of the meat dishes I make I consider that I have been uber successful!

I have also taught KC how to cook his penne for pasta in the IP  We have a gas stove and I prefer that the kids don't use the stove top when I am not around. The IP lets him cook his pasta and his taco meat in what seems more safety to me.

Kirsty has long expressed a desire to travel cross country in a tin can on wheels  camper when we retire.  I have not ever really loved that idea, though I do dearly want to see the country. I am jut not a camper kind of gal.  But with a small tent for me to sleep in, a camper for her, and an instant pot to cook with, it could work!

The pause before the. .

It is Wednesday night.  The house is cleaned (relatively) the numerous pies are baked.  The shells are made. The turkey is thawed. The cranberry sauce is made.  Tomorrow there will be more to do but by 1:30 or 2:00 p.m. the living room will be full of food, family and laughter.  Thanksgiving is one of my favorite times of the year. This year is a smaller gathering than most have been. My mom is staying in Maine; her partner is presently in the hospital and though improving, he will benefit from her presence. The kids godparents are visiting family in Texas this year and Fiona has opted to go to the Big City to have Thanksgiving with her cousin's family. So it is us and my in laws this year.  10 seems so small compared to our usual crowds, but I'll take it!

I love the way the kids pitch in. The living room has to be emptied of furniture to make room for tables.  There is vacuuming and baking and dip making and baking and flatware to polish and baking. . .  Truly we started at 8 a.m. and the last item for today was finished about 6 p.m. I don't often wish for a double oven but today it would have been pretty cool!

I love being enfolded in family.  Ironically Thanksgiving was not a favorite holiday when I was growing up.  It felt like a grownups gathering where I could not find a place for myself.  My family thought I should watch the Macy's parade, which I despised.  Ironically, KC adores the parade and that truly is his tradition of choice, every year. I love the way the things we cook remind me of experiences or people I love.  I love the way polishing my mother in laws flatware from Thailand makes me feel close to her, even though she died many years ago.  I love mixing my family's silver candlesticks into the decor and the things K and I have bought together over the years.  I love to arrange my black angel holding the harvest basket near our cornucopia.  Somehow we have quilted together an amazing tapestry of family, friends and we are held together by love.

This weekend launches the season of festive craziness.  Tomorrow night I am Black Friday shopping with friends.  We are gathering at 11 p.m. so hopefully i have time to nap for a couple hours before we head out but we shall see.  Then on Friday we decorate our house for Christmas.  Rob does not have to go into work till 2 and this is the only day we will ALL be home together until--well, probably Christmas.  So it is important to me that we decorate together that day.  Rob is the guy who always gets our tree up and put together just so.  And Chet will help decant the 11 totes of decor from the attic so we can get festive.  After that I hope to nap a bit as that evening the kids and my wife and I are going to see the play The Best Christmas Pageant Ever.  My wife really wanted to see this and I love theater so I was easily talked into it. It is the only night my wife has off, so that is why this to will jam up that time period.  But Saturday I can relax a bit and there is always coffee.  And Christmas music. 

Thinking and living deeply

There are the days when my emo teen feels like he will drive me round the bend.  Days when his sister "the tweenager" does the same.  There are also some wonderful conversations and experiences happening.

One convo that I treasure was with KC about a week ago.  He is thinking about the fact that next year he is old enough to get a job.  He wants a job  phone and knows he has to have a job to obtain said phone.  There are several markets in our community that are good first jobs for kids.  Rob worked at one of them and that may help the hire process as Rob was a great worker.

KC was concerned about how to address people.  He knows that if he is stocking shelves people will likely come to him and ask questions.  His concern was that in todays society, saying sir or ma'am might not be polite.  "What if someone is trans and I can't tell?" was his question.  I was so proud of him for thinking deeply about this, for having the compassion to see that speaking to people in the way they see themselves is important.

We talked about how the interaction in the job he is likely to obtain would not necessarily require sir,ma'am or anything to help someone out.  A friendly smile and a comment like "oh we have those in aisle 2 should I show you?" would work out just fine.  If it was someone he was meeting where a more in depth relationship/conversation was to unfold, it was totally fine to either use their name or ask how they preferred to be addressed. He is my sensitive, deep thinking soul.  But in particular this level of sensitivity makes me have hope in the harsh world we presently reside in.

Last night the two kids and I went to our church to help stock for today's monthly food pantry.  There is a ton of set up work to do and we have always had dance commitments that kept us from helping. With no dance in the summer and no camping trip this weekend we were free to help.  KC was a huge help lugging boxes, breaking down and disposing of recycling and keeping things organized.

Lissa and I worked together packing large boxes of eggs into one dozen boxes.  Then when we finished, she wandered over to a table where a bunch of store brand small pies were located.  Her sharp eye picked up on the fact that she saw one pie with mold on it.  She then decided to make it her mission to check every single pie to make sure it was safe and good quality.  There were a LOT of pies probably about 100.

I had finished my task and things were wrapping up.  We had a 30 minute drive home ahead of us and had worked for 2 hours.  I confess I was tired.  I asked her if she'd like me to help her finish up the quality control.  She looked at me and said "I've got this. I'm just fine.  Go find someone to talk to!"  (My love of chatting is fairly legendary in our home!)  It was clear that she really owned this job and that it was not fair to jump in and help.  I took her advice and found someone to chat with for the remaining 10 or 12 minutes that she needed to complete the job.

I am grateful that all my kids seem to mostly live with compassion and think of others.  We need that in this world.

Chinese food Saturday

Today Fiona was due to come home for a visit and I wondered how things would go.  Not only did she have a stressful experience last evening, but her group home is again in transition.  The really good house manager that has been there just shy of 2 years has moved on and there are other staffing changes as well.  Whenever there is a transition it is tremendously hard for her.  Additionally, it means there is less support for her to access as she processes any feelings or concerns that come up as she reconnects with Mom J.

So I was not surprised when Fi called me mid morning, angry and confrontational.  She had been asked to not play her music loudly in the common room where others were watching TV.  She felt she had every right to do that no matter what.  Staff later told me that she was playing her music so loud the music could be heard clearly even though she was wearing her headphones.  Eeks!

While I agree that she was appropriately asked to move to another location or to lower the volume of the music the new staffer also told Fiona that if she didn't comply that she would "lose her visit."  Fiona quite rightly said that the only time her visit is jeopardized is if she has a hold.  I won't take her off site if she is that unstable but anything else, i am okay with.

However that comment from the staff was the tiny straw that broke the back of the tenuous grip that she has held on her emotions since the loss of the former house manager.  Much ranting ensued in thephone conversation and somehow she wound up telling me she didn't want a visit anyway, she didn't want me to bring spending money, and I could just leave her alone.  I explained that I would be coming with her months spending money but that she of course had a choice of seeing me or not.

By the time I got there, a more experienced staff had helped her find some calm, and gotten her to a place where she could more rationally discuss the other staff's mistake, and her own role in the incident.  I suggested that instead of coming home, that she and I go out for lunch and she agreed.

We ate at a Chinese restaurant not far from the group home.  A cute little family run place.  I had a yummy spicy tofu, and she had her favorite crab rangoons and chicken wings.  We were able to talk about her visit yesterday, happy anecdotes of her time there, concerns that she had over the transport issue, plans for future visits there with Mom J and plans for visits with us.

The best thing is that it ended well. A year ago, maybe even 6 months ago, she wouldn't have gotten things together enough to even go to lunch. Huge growth for my daughter and I am so proud.

Party like a Chef Star?

Another fun and busy weekend at our house!  Friday night the littles spent play time with our former neighbor.  Their "KLB Club" was together once more and they had a blast.  Lissa spent the night.  KC is still fearful of sleeping away from home, so I just said that he was still getting over his cold. But at least he had a big chunk of time with his buds and that was a good thing.

The next morning after KC and I did our usual errands, we picked up Lissa from the sleepover.  She had a Girl Scout trip Saturday afternoon so we dropped her off at that.  While she was gone, KC and I made fondant creations to decorate Rob's family birthday cake.  We made a big fry pan, a couple of plates, a hamburger with buns and cheese, and eggs. Oh and some cooking utensils.  Painted them with food coloring and froze them. It was super hot here Saturday and I had visions of squishy fondant puddles instead of our little art project!  That night after I got everyone to bed I finally made the cake.

Sunday morning was church and when we got home, my wife made her delicious frosting and I frosted the cake and put the "bacon and eggs" on the plate and some "eggs" to cook in the fry pan and set up the faux burger plate.  If I do say so, it looked amazing.  Rob had to work till 3.  It was pouring so I picked him up and when we got home we had his party.

Lissa's contribution was helping me find decorations and helping to put them up in the dining room. Rob had said he did not want a theme this year so we went with birthday banners and  all manner of glitzy stuff.  She had a blast doing it and felt super important to be in charge of the decorating.

The party was filled with laughter and silliness. It was especially poingnent as we know that next year he is turning 21. I am really sure that party will be with friends and coworkers and that family will have a smaller role in the day. But I hope that he will know that we are always here. We are the safe place to launch from, the familiar place to return to when life is crazy, the place where you can puzzle out the next step.  And where you will always get a hug.

Ups and Downs

This past weekend was a whirlwind of activity. It was recital weekend, two days of crazy busy as the youngers acted and danced their way through the school's production of Frozen.  This was the first year that KC had a real acting part, in addition to his 5 dances.  Lissa had a hip hop number.  It was a weekend filled with costumes and make  up, keeping kids fed and somewhat calm and rested.  It was a weekend where over the course of 2 days many friends and family kindly come out to watch and support my two dancers.

Fiona always comes home to go to the production with me on the last day. (the first day of production I was working back stage)  She has always been excited to do this and as the little kids always went into the Big City for all of her school events, she has enjoyed coming to see them.  After the last performance we also always go out for pizza.

Fi was happy and engaged during the performance and on the way to the pizza place.  However right after we placed our order it all went south. Really fast and quite badly.  She didn't want to get her beverage from the machine so I suggested she just hold onto the cup so she could get it later if she was thirsty.  She refused to sit in the booth with us and sat at an adjacent table, shaking salt all over the table and swishing it around with her fingers.

I tried giving her space.  In the grand scheme of things, I can clean up salt. LOL  I tried engaging her in private conversation after a few minutes--no luck.  Meanwhile I am also trying to keep things positive for the youngers who have looked forward to this and are shocked that big sis is acting this way.  We play some word games together and the food arrives.  I ask Fiona if she wants her pizza at her table or if she wants to come sit with us.  She bolts out of the restaurant.

I go outside to try and get her back inside.  She spewed angry words.  None of it made any sense.  Suddenly she was hating me. Hating the littles.  Wanting staff to get her immediately. (staff is 20 minutes away at best, so that can't happen.) Refusing to come in. Refusing to eat.  I was baffled because in all our years together the one thing Fiona has never done with me is bolt like that.

I felt really nervous because I had to leave the younger kids in the restaurant which was thankfully not crowded, alone while I tried to calm Fi and get her to come back in.  I did get her to walk inside so I could pack up pizza in a box for the kids to eat on the way to take her home.

Fiona cried a bit on the way but I know when she is that upset she can't talk, so I just played some music on the radio and got her back to the house.  Inside she screamed to staff that she wanted to be left alone and took off for her room.

It was a hard ending and not what any of us had expected or hoped for.  I think my calmness kept things from getting worse, but I do know that KC and Lissa were disappointed.  It also has made me table for the moment, going on vacation to NH with Fiona and the youngers.  I can't leave them home because of my wife's work schedule and now I don't trust that Fiona will not melt down 90 minutes from home, leaving me with a volatile young woman to try and stabalize with the two younger kids.  Logistically I am not sure I can keep everyone safe under those circumstances.

The hardest part of all this is that Fiona is still not really able to impart what triggered her anger and meltdown.  I can't fix something--or even plan to avert something--when I don't know what the trigger was.  There was nothing said that anyone argued about, so I have to guess it was something that somehow replayed an old memory that likely had nothing to do with any of us.  But it also marks the third consecutive visit with issues at some level.  Sigh.

Holiday blur!

I blinked and it was Thanksgiving!  I guess it just feels that way.  Life is so busy and I am always trying to soak up every minute of it.  It was a wonderful day.  A day filled with joy, laughter, family and friends.  As usual, there was lots to prepare.  Our gatherings are so large we don't fit in our dining room any more.  There is a large table there but squish 13 plus people around it and no one can move.  So we move all the furniture out of the living room, bring in banquet tables and rental chairs and find it accommodates all who come much better. 

I was sad that my older kids cousin N was not able to come this year due to transportation difficulties.  Even the younger kids missed seeing her--though I think in that case it was primarily because her daughter is around KC's age and they are very good friends. 

Food was delish, the table looked pretty and managed to combine things from all the various families whether it was in the food choices or the flatware, or the salt cellars that were my great grandparents.  KC got to watch the Macy's parade with his Aunt Lynne.  Their tradition was snowed out last year and they had to resort to watching in their separate locations and texting as they saw the floats go by.  He was happy that this year, it was "normal."

Friday morning found us decorating for Yule.  I had gathered all the harvest decor the night before so that we could jump into decorating right away. I knew it was something the kids would want to do first thing and I was not wrong.

Our house is a sprawly old victorian.  It can and does get a lot of decorating. We are still not quite done but things are looking festive and it does not look overblown.  One would think it might if you saw how many totes of decorations came from the attic, but really it gets spread over so many rooms that it is really pretty.  Rob still likes to put the tree together for us and helped the littles and I decorate it.  K focusses on the outside.  Chet pretty much stays in his room till we are done and then he likes to help ferry the boxes back to the attic and vacuum up the floors.  The littles flit here and there and bring me items for the displays and decorate the little trees in their bedrooms.  Christmas is still magical to them and it still is to me for that matter. I love the music, the sparkles, the memories.

Saturday we had our usual errands, went to our church craft fair,  and then spent the afternoon with friends at the local roller rink.  These friends used to live right next door to us and the kids so very much miss their best buds.  So for 4 hours we skated and chatted and had a blast.

Sunday we drove up to Maine to see my mom.  She has some health issues right now and will be having a cardiac test tomorrow at the hospital up there.  If things are not good they will likely do an immediate stint.  We brought her favorite soups and canned fruits so she will not have to worry about food as she rests from whatever is done, reading material and music. And of course just being there with our love and laughter helped her greatly. When we got home, Lissa marched in our town's holiday parade and tree lighting ceremony. 

Compared to the rest of December, this was a relaxing weekend!

Saturday lunch

Today we had a family luncheon at Fiona's favorite restaurant.  I couldn't fit us all in the picture but here she is with KC (who is eating a mozzarella stick) and my wife.It took me 4 pictures to get us all in shots and I figure one will serve to remember the fun we had!  We all had a great time and the food options are great for a family with varied dietary needs.

I was thinking though about something I read on the net recently. It was about a couple who adopted 4 children through foster care. They had older bio kids who were nearly grown at the time that the 4 little girls came into their lives and hearts.  It was not a bad post.  The family looks from my cursury reading to be loving and their new children seem happy etc.

There was one component that struck me though.  The parent who wrote the article talked about what they lost in this process.  At first I thought she meant the children.  But no, she meant the adoptive parents. They lost free time, a tidy home, spontanaity when planning things etc.  I get that. It is all valid and real.  But at some level that also all seems rather superficial to me.

Because the people who came to this relationship from a real place of loss were the four children.And I saw nothing about that in the article.  No matter how happy they are now, no matter how well adjusted they are, or seem to be, they came from a place of loss.  And loss I would wager that is bigger than losing free time and a tidy home. And while it is important to recognize what we as parents of any children--biological or adopted--place on the back burner--it is just that, back burner.

I have every confidence that there will be a time in my life when my house stays clean for longer than 20 minutes. But I have to tell you, most days that isn't all that important to me.  I strive for a certain level of cleanliness but I place a much higher premium on memory making, shared experiences and consistantly showing my kids that I am there for them and how much I hold them in my heart. There will always be dishes, but only a finite period of time to walk this path with them all.

Fabulous Fourth!

Our annual 4th of July BBQ morphed a bit larger this year, adding in some good friends who are not usually in town for the event. Actually it has grown over the years.  Once only our kids godparents came, but now there are neighbors and other friends as well.

 I envisioned tables gaily decorated in the back yard. I had games in mind for the kids and a cool outdoor art idea that I shamelessly stole from another blogger. . . and then, nature intervened. In the form of heavy rains and winds from Hurricane Arthur.

Pretty much all the festivities around us cancelled or postponed.  We did not.  I figure fun can happen somehow, anyhow.  And it did.  We got enough breaks in the weather to cook outdoors, but we set up tables in our living room for the actual meal.  My kids woke up early as usual. At quarter to 6 specifically, KC and Lissa wanted to know if they could start decorating!  Um, not quite yet, guys.

By 8:30 though, not only were they decorating, but their friend from next door was over helping out as well.  I had gotten white table cloths for most of the tables and that meant they could literally draw on them.  They had a blast doing that. One table had a blue table cloth and I had made big silver stick on stars for that one.  We made centerpieces and stuck those around the room.  Easy fun, kid friendly ones. (think 3 small flags held in place in a tiny vase by a glob of playdoough.  Then artfully covering vase with star stickers. LOL  But it was fun.  We had a blast.  We smashed everyone into the living room. There was food aplenty.  Much laughter and conversation.

In between breaks in the rain, the kids would dash outside for a bit, run around and then get chased back in by the weather.  They would play card games in the dining room while the grown ups chatted elsewhere.  It was just plain fun.

Best of all, my wife enjoyed it.  I love gatherings. But K, not so much.  She is an introvert at heart and gatherings exhaust her emotionally and physically. She said she loves the 4th of July though because she feels that people come to it with fewer expectations and that there is more fun.  I love it because it is the gathering that blends a really diverse group of our friends together.  The fact that Fiona was here with us as well, was extra special.

Tomorrow I need to start some prep for our next camping adventure. We leave next Saturday morning for NH!

The Fabulous Forever Family Party

While the group home experience made last weekend very stressful, the party that Fi and I planned to celebrate the guardianship was a great success.  There were 11 of us, family, Fi's friends from the Great School and Amazing Jane.  Jane had only gotten back from vacation the day before but had agreed to not only come but to bring some of the friends.

I had made a reservation a week or so in advance and we had 2 waitresses that were assigned to just us.  They were so kind and handled everyone so graciously.  As you may imagine, some of the guests had some cognitive or behavioral challenges (my Chet falls into that mix incidently).  Yet they were kind and calm, handling the occasional odd question or extra wait time for someone to decide if they really wanted dressing on their salad, with aplomb.

Fiona just shone with happiness.  I think as much as the fact that we were cementing "forever family" for her, we were also cementing the promise we made at the start of the transition from the Great School, which was that she would not lose contact with people she had become close to.

She got a heart necklace that K and I made, Jane gave her a picture that I had taken of all the kids together at Christmas, and her friends gave her jewelry.  It was a really bright gem of an experience.  I will remember how she was smiling always.

Speaking of memories, we have not been to Olive Garden since KC was 2.  Yet when Fi chose that restaurant he recounted a memory of how they used a giant grinder to put the cheese on his pasta.  He was correct, but I was floored that he would remember that from such a young age.  This is not really a random little aside.  What it made me stop and think about was how many memories remembered or shadowy that Fiona still deals with, most of hers made intense from situations of trauma.  I am glad that at least for that moment, there was a happy memory that outshone the others.

Christmas celebrations

Christmas was amazing!  The littles and I slept on a giant air mattress in Lissa's room.  They feel that they have to have a slumber party with me on Christmas Eve.  I started this when they were teeny tiny as it gave me a way of making sure they could not hear "the elves" putting packages under the tree.  My bedroom is farther from that general area.  However, with Fiona spending the night, she was in my room. So we did this in Lissa's room and had just as much fun.  All the kids have tiny trees in their room and hers is blue and awfully pretty.

The littles woke at 4:45 on Christmas morning, but I kept them in bed whispering with me till 6:10 a.m.  (another reason we have the "slumber party."  My wife would be singularly unamused by a 4:45 a.m. wake up!  Then at 6:10 we all got up and did the stockings.  Stockings are very fun in our house.  There is very little edible and very little that is pricey but things are sort of quirky and unique.  For instance, tiny little telescopes for playing pirate.  Wooden tops. small collectable figurines.  My wife found many of these items at a cool toy store on sale when she was doing holiday fairs with my Mom in November.

After stockings, we adjourned for breakfast.  Long ago, in a smaller family dynamic, I just put yogurt on the table and oj and tea.  Nowadays, it is more like a breakfast feast.  There is yogurt, fresh fruit, oj and coffee and tea. There were eggs, veggie bacon, sauteed mushrooms and grits.  And cinnamon buns.  It is mandatory that I make cinnamon buns.  I made two pans of them from scratch.  By 11:00 a.m. when the grandparents arrived, there were enough for them to have with coffee and tea and that was it.  They were all gone!

After fueling up, and starting the dishwasher, we went in and opened presents.  My wife and I do our stockings and gifts Christmas night so it was just the kids. That way we could take pictures and just enjoy it.  Most especially I enjoyed the fact that Fiona was with us and having such a good time.  She really really enjoyed everything.  She also had really been very thoughtful in the gifts she got people.  KC got one of those fuzzy hats that have long scarfy things hanging down with built in mittens.  He had wanted one when we were together at a fair this fall and I said no because the vendor was pricing them crazy high.  Fi remembered and made sure he had one at Christmas.  She got K and I a beautiful candle holder.  Really stunning and destined to be the centerpiece at solstice dinner next year.  She got Lissa a darling sweater vest with a leopard collar.  Lissa is wearing it today and you can tell she knows she looks fine!   Likewise, the kids had been equally thoughtful in choosing Fiona's gifts and she was sincerely excited about them.

By 8:30 we were cleaning up the detritus of opening and there was time to get dressed and relax and try out some toys.  At 11 the grandparents arrived and another round of gifting ensued.  I was proud of the kids as some of their gifts from them were not tangible--gifts that help others via heifer project.  They were just as excited about having rabbits bought in their honor as if they got a toy.  Cool!

More cleanup, visiting and eventually a big dinner.  Not a fancy dinner, but a filling one.  Big trays of pasta, a huge green salad, sparkling cider for kids, wine for grown folks, and cheese cake, Fiona's birthday cake, cookies,pie  or poached pears for dessert.

Fiona could not believe she was having a birthday party as well.  She was gracious and calm throughout and seemed again to like all our choices.  At the 11th hour I found out that her new residence will not allow her to have her cell phone. Chet had bought her a cover for that and I thought the gift now rendered inappropriate and potentially painful. So we swapped it out for an extra gift that I had really bought for an aunt.  Easy enough to replace that one later and Fiona was none the wiser.

By 2:30 my mom and G were back on the road and the kids and i hung out and played the rest of the day.  Sometimes they used KC's new microphone and either did stand up comedy (which was dubiously funny but mostly funny in that they THOUGHT it was funny) or Fiona would sing along to some of her new CD's.  They played new wii games and tried out KC's marker maker.

We also got to talk with Krystal and wish her merry Christmas.  She was en route to a movie so she did not talk too long but Christmas night she asked Rob to call her back and they talked much longer.  I am glad that connection is strengthening. Rob and Krystal were very close as young kids and when she moved down south it was a huge blow to him.

At 5, staff came to take Fiona back to her new home.  I hope she settled in well. I will call tomorrow to see. I think maybe calling tonight might be too much too soon. Not for Fiona, but for the staff who are not the easiest folks in the world to deal with.  I don't want to do anything that rocks the boat while I await the final guardianship stuff going through.

Feeling Thankful

I am thankful, just brimming over thankful.  My daughter Fiona is in the living room watching TV and has been home since 1:30.  I went up to her new home to pick her up. She had her second visit there and it is so great to shoot 15 minutes up the highway, get her and bring her back home.  Lissa came with me too, wanting to see where big sis was going to be living in the near future.

Fiona has a new cell phone and Rob has been helping her program it.  We made pecan pie together, played games.  One of her friends called her.  It just felt . . . normal.  She sat in the kitchen and kept me company as I put supper together, chatting while I sauteed up the squash mushrooms and onions.  Talking about spices and a dish she created on her own that she wants to share some time when she comes out.

It has been a busy day.  Hosting our large family is definately a big job.  It means reconfiguring our house to fit everyone in.  I am not wedded to a "perfect" looking Thanksgiving gathering, but I do feel that some sort of specialness has to be there.  It is the natural foil to the joy of family coming together.  And it is a time for sharing family stories.  How our flatware came from Thailand and why.  Where K and I bought our china set.  The depression era glassware that we use for beverages is a legacy from my grandparents. . . All are part of the threads of connection, the warp and weft of our family weavings.

My only regret is that my mom and her companion can not be with us for health reasons. Her companion G had his pacemaker battery replaced and has now caught a cold that Mom had.  She had thrown hers off, G is needing a bit more rest to do so.  A bevy of people and the chaos of the day are not going to be restful so they are staying in Maine.  However Mom is driving down on Friday for a short visit. We plan to send her back with a "portable Thanksgiving basket" as I want them to enjoy the food in the tranquility of their apartment.

Top o' the Evening to you!

It has been a busy week at our house.  K is under the weather with a very bad cold that morphed virtually instandly into some type of  hideous triple infection. (sinus, throat and ear)  I have thus far been spared and have been taking my immune supplements to try and make sure it stays that way.  However, I have had a 3 day migraine going and I am about done with feeling like my head is going to fall off.  Or wishing that it would. 

Still I have managed to work--though I must look like death by the comments people make.  LOL  And the weekend beckons with a visit from the wee folk tonight.  They seem to like to play tricks at our house and leave a bit of joy behind for the wee folk who live here.  I have only the teeniest smidge of Irish in me but I adore St. Patricks Day.  Tomorrow we will make some kind of shamrocky treat for dessert to have with supper.  And all the kids will get small bags of gold chocolate coins from K and I.  

Rob is off at rehearsal for the church Youth Sunday service.  He has a couple of roles in the service and we had a bit of teen angst this week over things.  His girl friend called and wanted him to do something with her on Friday night.  I said no becuase they were both committed to this rehearsal.  I don't know if  TongYa's parents  did not want to fight about it and told her to call and see if Rob's parents would let him go, or what.  But I am old school about committments.  You make it, you keep it, unless  you are dying or spilling body fluids all over the place.  LOL  Rob took it with pretty good grace, but I heard through the grape vine that his gf was pretty annoyed.  Ah well. 

Then our black kitty Valkyrie escaped outdoors this a.m. and hasn't been seen since.  Val has been a house cat since she came to us last June.  A black cat outdoors at night is not a good thing. Especially when the weather is both foggy and rainy.  I do hope she comes home and is okay.  She is much beloved, and poor K feels horrible because the cat escaped on her.  She hasn't really shown an interest in going out either so it is all a bit odd to say the least.

My mom is coming down for a visit this weekend--and to go to church with us on Youth Service Sunday and hear Rob play the prelude.  The kids are really excited.  The littles and I put together a gingerbread bunny house from a kit tonight.  It will harden up over night and then tomorrow they can decorate it with Nana.  Much goo and sugar, it will be fun!

The husband of a friend of mine is in the hospital right now.  He has had what appear to be unexplained seizures for over a year now.  Numerous hospitals and medical tests up the wazoo have yielded nothing but today for the first time a much longer battery of tests revealed some seizure activity.  It sounds weird to feel that this is helpful, but they have been so frustrated and frightened and in the dark for so long.  And it all makes my migraine very petty and pale by comparison!

Giving Thanks in the Big City

Today we went to the Big City to spend Thanksgiving a couple days early with my daughter Fiona.  She was so surprised to see us.  Even with a mouthful of food, doesn't she look lovely?  (please excuse doting mom comment!)  She was so surprised to see us and so, so happy!  In the past, being surprised would have meant that she couldn't hold her behavior together.  Much like my Chet, the more she wants a situation, the less able she has been to handle it.  Today, she shone.  We had dinner together--though us vegetarians had to stock up on the sides.  We were introduced around to her friends and peers.  I met her new social worker, Ms. S.  Always good to know the players.  She seems pleasant and hopefully saw how much we love each other and will be supportive should I need her assistance.

After dinner, Fiona really wanted us to play basketball. She wanted Rob to have a shoot out contest with another student.  While I am sure Rob would have enjoyed that, the gym did not have basketball hoops up at the moment. We would have to play that outdoors. Which was not on my list of things to do as it was chilly and with the littles getting over the various cruds that have beseiged our home it was not a plan.  Again, deferring something she had in her mind would never have flown in the past.  This time, though she was clearly disappointed, she was able to accept that we couldn't do it now, but we could do it at some point in the future.  Huge huge progress.  Instead, we played our version of volley ball in the gym. They had a net up and we used a light playground ball. The only rule was you could not kick the ball, anything else pretty much was okay. LOL  We started playing and it was a blast.  Gradually, her peers and classmates came in and began to join in until by the time we were done there were probably 12 kids plus us playing.  Kids swapped sides periodically, but there was no fighting or problem of any kind.  Ms. S. the social worker just stood in the background taking it in.  I gave everyone a 10 minute warning and a 5 minute warning and then at 1:30 I called a time out so that we could say goodbye to Fiona. Lots of hugs and smiles and we left her continuing the game with her friends.  For me, it doesn't get better than that!

Craving Simple

With the holidays coming, things get complicated.  Schedules.  Plans.  Even foods.  They are fancier.  Richer.  To be sure I look forward to them, but I also love simple foods.  Tonight was beans and rice.  Doesn't get much more simple than that, but I had seconds of the goodness; the beans having simmered in sauce for hours while we made Thanksgiving decorations for our big picture window.

And I think, that is sort of the answer to the holiday crazies. Finding the balance that allows me to not lose sight of the simplicity that I love and that keeps me sane, and enjoying some of the "fancy" things that feel special and exciting.