Of cars and care

I am often mindful of how the universe has plans for us beyond our knowing.  I drove to church today and my newly repaired car began smoking just as I pulled into the church parking lot.  We worship in a city about 30 minutes from where we live so this was a cause for considerable alarm.  I have AAA but a tow would be to a place in the city I am in, not the city I am from and this would be a challenge.  I texted my wife that I might have a problem and asked that she pick KC up from work.  He had a morning shift at the market and I was going to pick him up at 12 on my way home from church.

However, the universe is amazing.  It turned out that one of our parishioners used to own his own auto repair shop.  Although now his focus is on hybrid vehicles and electric cars, he had a lot of knowledge to share, even about old Scion's!  He said he would check it out and low and behold my mechanic forgot to tighten down the oil cap after doing my oil change last week.  He declined my cash and went to an auto parts store  to get me an oil cap, cleaned the top of my engine where oil had probably sprayed out during the drive (hence the smoking I had seen!) 30 minutes later I was safely on the road home.

When  I pulled into the parking lot in my smoking car I was thinking to myself how this was such a problem--I was so far from home and it was another potential bill in a year that has besieged us financially.  Instead, grace smiled on us and we were helped with knowledge and kindness.  I am so lucky and will pay this blessing forward.

No Time!

I am sick and I have.no.time.for.sick.  My body apparently doesn't get that!  The 3 day migraine of the end of last week left, leaving in its wake a weird throat and cough that I thought were allergies. Wrong.  It has since grown still more unpleasant and in addition to feeling like death, I am annoyed!  I would be happy to schedule a small sickness break in about 51 weeks!  What is wrong with that?

No it is happening when Rob has his wisdom teeth out tomorrow. When today I do the dance run shuttle service for my kids and those of friends.  When my job is doing performance reviews and I have work up the wazoo.

OK whine over.  It isn't going to change anything.  On a positive side we have had some significant melting and ice and snow coming off rooves (ours and others) .  The upper part of our driveway long vanished under the unusual amount of snow, is starting to resurface.  It is daylight longer and the kids play out after math class more in the evenings.

And last week they went to a pottery place and the littles made themselves travel mugs. They picked them up yesterday and they are really cute.  It turned out that my wife made a beautiful mug for me too.  It is a spring scene. So now, no matter what the weather, I can always see spring!  I love that.

Best Weekend Ever!

Fiona was here this weekend and it was such a great weekend. All week long she had been calling home, chatting with Rob and there was a great level of excitement and secrecy surrounding some Mothers Day plans.  I was excited that she wanted to do something for us for Mothers Day. But it is a emotionally charged holiday and I had a certain level of concern as well.  During the week she had a couple incidents at the group home and I worried that she was going to crash and burn emotionally before the holiday even arrived.  What if she could not come home after all the planning she was doing?  Like my Chet, it is hardest for her to manage her behaviors when she is stressed.  Even when it is something she is looking forward to, it can be too much and put her over the edge.

She arrived on Saturday  in good form though.  The director of the house dropped her off, as there are some staffing issues at present.  He and I chatted while the kids got her things inside.  I like Jim very much and i think he "gets" my daughter more than other people at the program do.  He had found two exciting resources for her --volunteer opportunities that sound like very good fits for her personality.

We spent Saturday in a fairly typical way. We went to the library, made scones for Kirsty's mothers day breakfast (huge shout out to the Pioneer Woman's vanilla bean scones.  Try them, they will not dissapoint!) The kids played outside--we played kick ball and messed around with sidewalk chalk. They played with a young boy who was visiting my neighbor.  Ironically it turned out the child's mom knows my Fiona and works at her program.  Small world!    I made a big stir fry for supper.

Rob's friend from skateboarding came by and wound up stayiing to watch a movie with Rob and Fiona after the littles were put to bed.  Fiona had no night terrors this visit which was great.  We got up early this morning to give Kirsty breakfast in bed and her presents.  She got gift cards and wind chimes, postit notes and hand made cards and flowers .  And scones.  We must not forget her favorite scones!  While she relaxed I got the rest of the tribe fed and ready for church and the kitchen tidy.  Fiona came to church with us and she and I worked in the children's program.

Back at home it was time for Rob to help K at the factory.  They left to do that and the rest of us went to a local park to hike.  Mostly you hike in, as they limit vehicle traffic there.  It was a quiet, easy walk though.  Fiona who is not used to hiking held up quite well. My youngest gremlins of course are strong hikers but instictively held back a bit for their sister.  Once we were at the park itself we fed ducks and fish, messed around on the play equipment and then hiked back.

By this time Kirsty and Rob were home and Fiona announced that K and I had to stay in our work room.  There was much scuttling about and hushed whispers.  Finally we were summoned to the dining room.  I wish my computer was downloading pictures because it was so pretty.  They had found a nice table cloth and dressed the table.  There were decorations. There was a balloon bouquet and sweet gifts from Fi for both of us.  There was strawberry shortcake and ice cream. Somehow, Fiona and the kids had smuggled most of these things in and hidden them while I was talking with Jim on Saturday!  Laughter, hugs and smiles.

It was a day so filled with magic that I can't really write how amazing this all is.  One would have to know how hurt and how truamatized my eldest was, to comprehend the enormity of this journey. I still can't stop smiling.

The Giver

Last night  I went in the dining room to say the candy trade had to end and bedtime had to commence. There was a sweet (pardon the pun) encounter with KC.  All the kids had these great stacks of candy that they were putting back into their loot buckets.  But he had also set aside these 3 separate smaller piles.  One was a pile of 3 Musketeers bars and whopper candies.  He told me those are for K because he knows she loves those so much.  The second pile was of all the Butterfingers he collected.  Those are going to church so he can give them to his former art teacher on Sunday.  Those are apparently her fave.  The last pile was for my co-worker who loves a certain kind of m and ms.  "I'm such a giver" he announced happily as he trotted off to brush his teeth.

It made me laugh, but it is true.  He is the most giving child I have ever met. There are frequently little notes or poems left for me on my computer table or my nightstand from him.  He has two events to go to the next time Fiona comes out so he won't be here with her much.  Although he loves his writing club and is excited about being invited to his friends birthday at a lazer tag place, he was very concerned that he would not have much time with Fiona. He thought about Fi before agreeing to the party invite.

I think all my kids are giving and compassionate.  KC just demonstrates it a bit more often, and seems to feel emotional things a bit more keenly than the others.  But I am grateful for all my little "givers."  We need a lot of compassion and giving if we  are to offer the best of ourselves to the world.

Giving Thanks in the Big City

Today we went to the Big City to spend Thanksgiving a couple days early with my daughter Fiona.  She was so surprised to see us.  Even with a mouthful of food, doesn't she look lovely?  (please excuse doting mom comment!)  She was so surprised to see us and so, so happy!  In the past, being surprised would have meant that she couldn't hold her behavior together.  Much like my Chet, the more she wants a situation, the less able she has been to handle it.  Today, she shone.  We had dinner together--though us vegetarians had to stock up on the sides.  We were introduced around to her friends and peers.  I met her new social worker, Ms. S.  Always good to know the players.  She seems pleasant and hopefully saw how much we love each other and will be supportive should I need her assistance.

After dinner, Fiona really wanted us to play basketball. She wanted Rob to have a shoot out contest with another student.  While I am sure Rob would have enjoyed that, the gym did not have basketball hoops up at the moment. We would have to play that outdoors. Which was not on my list of things to do as it was chilly and with the littles getting over the various cruds that have beseiged our home it was not a plan.  Again, deferring something she had in her mind would never have flown in the past.  This time, though she was clearly disappointed, she was able to accept that we couldn't do it now, but we could do it at some point in the future.  Huge huge progress.  Instead, we played our version of volley ball in the gym. They had a net up and we used a light playground ball. The only rule was you could not kick the ball, anything else pretty much was okay. LOL  We started playing and it was a blast.  Gradually, her peers and classmates came in and began to join in until by the time we were done there were probably 12 kids plus us playing.  Kids swapped sides periodically, but there was no fighting or problem of any kind.  Ms. S. the social worker just stood in the background taking it in.  I gave everyone a 10 minute warning and a 5 minute warning and then at 1:30 I called a time out so that we could say goodbye to Fiona. Lots of hugs and smiles and we left her continuing the game with her friends.  For me, it doesn't get better than that!

Shouldn't adopted children be more grateful?

I had an interesting conversation at work today.  Co-workers and I were sharing those typical parent tales of woe.  The high cost of a smile when it comes to the financing of braces.  The fact that one of the co-workers son's started college, dropped out and is now going to try it again, leaving his parents with decidedly mixed feelings and some expensive bills to pay. Another co-worker shared stories of trying to find a decent safe and not too pricey car for her daughter, now a first time driver. 

Added to the "war stories" was a bit of undercurrent of frustration on the parts of the parents sharing them.  They felt their children had no recognition of their sacrifices for their childrens betterment. The kids had no gratitude as one mom put it.  Then one person looked at me and said "but surely adopted children are more grateful."

I was floored and in my usual foot in mouth fashion said "Why?"    The answers ranged from me "giving them a better life" to "rescuing them" to a lot of stammering.  And just to be clear, this was not a conversation of a bunch of middle class white folk. We were a diverse group ethnically and socio-economically.

I said that I didn't think my kids were "grateful" for being adopted.  In reality at least one of the 4 probably wished very much that adoption had never had to be part of his life experience. That does not mean he doesn't love us, love his siblings or his new life.  But he LOST a life too and I was pretty sure there were lots of times he wanted that life back.

My eldest is "grateful" in a rather clinical way.  He is autistic and has studied his native land with the kind of perserveration that autistic people devote to a passion.  He determined when he was about in about 8th or 9th grade that he likely would not be alive had he remained in his native land.  He could see that the economic disadvantages he was laboring under combined with his autism were a recipe for disaster.  However, that doesn't mean he is grateful to me per se.  It is a very sort of emotionless assessment that he has made.

My two youngest don't have any frame of reference for this as yet. They understand adoption at its most basic level.  But I doubt that gratitude will be part of their equation either. In the stunned silence that followed this,  I tried to explain that by and large kids are not grateful.  They don't have the life experience to see what we give up and  put off so that they may have experiences they want or that we feel will be of benefit to them.  It means about as much to them as if we showed them the cost of buying organic green beans and touted the benefits of them.  My kids don't care about green beans!  They care about popsicles.  And they aren't even grateful for popsicles!  They just expect they will magically appear in the freezer for enjoyment on a hot summer day. 

I suspect that "gratitude" on the part of children, comes along when our children have children themselves.  That is when they will remember summer picnics, when the nights watching fireworks or sitting around a campfire in their youth are remembered and rejoiced in.  And that is what my goal is--joy enough to pay forward to the next generation.  You can keep the gratitude.

Growing and Growing!

Fiona, that is.  Tonight she called as usual. Bubbly and happy.  Which was good as I was on day 2 of migraine life and was lucky to be erect and talking.  I for sure had no pearls of wisdom to share with my daughter.  And I do not ever talk about not feeling well with Fiona.  With most of my kids actually.  They stress.  But in Fiona's and Rob's case there is a perception either real or imagined, that their first mom was ill and that is why she could not care for them. So me being ill equates to not being cared for.  Rob is actually probably nearing some understandings of the differences between me being ill and his first mother, but I am pretty sure Fiona isn't.  But I am rambling.

Fiona wanted to thank K for the poncho she made her.  So they actually talked for a while which doesn't happen all that often. And in the course of conversation, Fiona started talking about her EZ Bake oven that is still here. We never got the green light to ship it so we have continued to store it.  Of her own volition, Fiona suggested that we give it to Elisabeth, from her. 

This is so huge I am still trying to wrap my mind around it.  The oven is almost a symbol for Fiona of a number of different things. Some not good, some that are good. But throughout the 9 years since we gave it to her, she has clung to the fact that it was hers and was waiting for her.  But last night, she articulated that she was growing up and really too old for it and that Lissa would love it.

Lissa is of course technically too young for it. But we said that on Lissa's birthday we will wrap it up and it will be from Fiona and we will take pictures of Lissa opening it. And using it the first time, so Fiona can see how much joy she has given her little sister.  Even after writing this out, I am still so amazed by it all!

Want to do something cool?

Found on another friends blog, this link to a cool initiative: Books!  Books for Native American kids who might not get access to these books.  Check it out, buy a book or two if you wish.  I was lucky enough to win a book this week so I felt maybe I should pay some of my literary luck forward as it were.  I am sending a book about extreme scientists and a sci fi anthology to the school in NM.

I was a geeky sickly kid.  Books were my ticket out of my bedroom when my body couldn't take me.  Out of the hospital where I felt trapped and alone.  Out of social situations where I knew I was not fitting in.  So I'm helping to give those wings of freedom to another kid, or two.  Like I said, it's really cool.

Party Time

Today was Kirsty's birthday.  I had taken a vacation day as I wanted to help the kids make this a special day for her.  We thought she could start by having a free breakfast at Dennys which offers free breakfast on your birthday. She likes their food so it seemed like a plan.  Except that 40 million other people must have had the same birthday. The line went out the door and around the building.  Even K thought a grand slam wasn't worth that and left! LOL  She breakfasted elsewhere, went to the doctor for a minor medical issue, and did some errands.  It is a treat for her to do errands sans children.  Me, I need the kids when I do errands.  I need those extra eyes to help me because I am not a shopper.  I really hate shopping.  The kids make it fun. Weird, I know, but there you go.  People are always laughing after they have listened to the kids and i shop so apparently they brighten other people's days as well.  Or the other people just think I am a nut job and are laughing at me.  But I digress.

While she was off doing whatever, we were going to many stores getting ready to party hearty!  We had to hit the grocery store, the local discount store for a few gifts, and the famous iparty. Oh my gosh do my kids adore iparty.  I think they consider that a field trip.  Truly.  We didn't get home till 11 .  I gave them a small snack, Lissa and I made the chocolate birthday cake, I cleaned the kitchen and did lunch.  Then KC and i made vanilla cupcakes (I can't eat chocolate and KC hates it).  The kids wrapped their gifts and we all decorated the dining room.  Then they were needing to decompress so I sent them outside to play.  I frosted and decorated the cake and cupcakes, did some house chores and chatted with K when she got home.  She had lunch, went for a walk.  I helped the kids make their cards for her.

K and I were having chinese food but the kids hate that so I cooked for them.  The party was excellent.  The dining room had an asian theme, sort of a nod to Chinese new year which is approaching later this month and the Chinese food we were ingesting.  I did our party favors ( little notebooks ,skittles and pastel colored m and ms) in little pink boxes that looked like what Chinese take out is in.  There were balloons everywhere.  The plates were asian looking and the tablecloth a pretty burgundy.  We had a Chinese paper lantern and streamers.  It looked awesome.  The kids were so proud.  K got jewelry a box that Rob made for her, some make up and a Kindle.  She was so stunned to get a kindle.  It is funny cause I have had it in my closet for over a month.  LOL

The busy crew!  I love the fact that it was fun for them to prep for this.

Balloons are always big with our gang. Rob mans the helium tank.

The hanging Chinese lantern

Chet loved the little favor boxes.  He kept making believe they were little mouths and making these goofy sounds.  It was really very very funny!

Birthday gal

.The table before we demolished it at the party!

Solstice Night

Last night was really nice.  We had a solstice supper (not fancy; it was kid food, folks!!) but the dining room looked really pretty.  We used the white table cloth that has snowflakes stamped all over it and on the wall in the dining room we hung a snowflake decoration I got this year.  It has a suction cup gizmo and a battery inside allows the crystal snowflake that dangles from a thin cord to change color.  It was perfect and much loved by the kiddos.

We had our vote for the Heifer Project donation and I am pleased to announce that we will be buying a flock of chickens for some lucky family! Ducks came in second and only one lone vote for bees. It was interesting and fun, and hey the change jar originally started because one of my children has light fingers.  I instituted the money jar (which tells you how much is in it at the top) because the rule is all spare change goes there.  That way there could not be money in his room that he "found" and arguments over whose it really was.  I like that it has evolved into something that is not really a negative consequence of his impulsiveness and insecurities and has instead become something we all feel good about.

I thought I would get KC's scrapbook done but he woke from sleeping on the couch early in the evening so that didn't happen.  However I have printed off a bunch of pictures and graphics through Thanksgiving so I should be able to wrap it up tonight.  Then I need to get ready the photo calendars that KC and Lissa are giving their godparents, their Nana and their Aunt.  But today is my last day of work before the holidays so it is all good!