On judgements

I read a lot of foster and adoption blogs.  I read about families struggling with behaviors caused by trauma, mental illness and pre-natal exposure to drugs and/or alcohol.  If Fiona was not in the Great School in the Big City, I suspect that people would look differently at my family.  The reality is that she can not control all her responses to emotional pain, to confusion, to many basic day to day situations.  Sure, my casual friends know that I have an older daughter--but she is a picture in my wallet to them.  They hear me talk about her artistic abilities, her affection and patience with young children, her love of animals. A few of them know of her fairly regular hospitalizations but that is about as far as I go with sharings.  It is too deeply personal.  I am a stoic New Englander in that regard I guess.

But a few weeks ago, I was brought up a bit short.  A friend was speaking of an experience she had during one of her pregnancies.  The pregnancy was difficult and  hospital tests were frequently needed to make sure both mom and baby were doing okay.  In the next bed she told me was another mom, a mom who was  a drug addict.  She wound up requesting a different room because the behaviors of the other woman bothered her, as did the fact that she was an addict.  "And you know those children are born addicted"she went on.

I said quietly, "I know."  I didn't say anything else because I couldn't, just then.  This is not a mean woman. She is a caring, loving person and a great mom to her kids. And she was perceptive enough to see in my silence, and in my face, that something was wrong.

"Oh. . . " she stammered, "did. . . are?"

The truth is both my youngest children were born drug exposed. It isn't something you see, now that their little systems have purged that evil. One was exposed daily during the entire pregnancy, and may have also had alcohol exposure.  One had much less.  But this doesn't define them.  In fact, right now, I can't predict what impact any of this will have on their lives. There are only a kabillion or so things that I worry about.  The "heart incident" that caused my preemie to wait an extra day in the NICU.  The statistics that indicate the higher probabilty of addictions for the children of addicts.  The sudden rages that one exhibits.  I spend time searching the net, trying to determine if the rages are normal developmentally or a marker for something darker that waits for us.  I fret over learning issues--checking to see if a speech or comprehension situation is "normal."  (as if there was a true definition out there of normal.)

I know that there may be things we face and demons we will need to fight as our children grow.  But for now, I have to focus on the joy that they are.  I celebrate their artistic leanings, their curiosity and try and teach that  the hot tempered one that we can take a breath and wait before we respond to a situation.

And I hope and pray that their lives will be interesting, productive, filled with love. And that someday I'm sitting in a rocking chair holding grand babies and thanking the goddess that we beat the odds.

Fiona and Rob

Fiona's school called a little while ago.  My heart jumped to my throat when the woman on the phone said who she was and where she was calling from.  All I could think of was that something was wrong.  What happened to Pollyanna? Aren't I supposed to be the one who thinks bright side first?   We've been sort of riding the dysregulation train with Fi lately and she was only recently discharged from the hospital.  Thankfully it wasn't anything horrible at all.  Fi has instead been doing spectacularly well since she got back to school.  She has earned an off campus shopping trip by remianing at one of the higher levels for a certain number of days.The problem is that she doesn't have money available for an off campus shopping trip and we all know that Fiona needs a pretty quick reward when she has been doing well. The school wanted to know if it would be okay to use a gift card that I I had given her for Christmas for the trip. H*ll yes!  I am totally fine with using the money in whatever way is best for Fi.  But it was aweseome to be asked!

In other news, Rob has had a really busy weekened.  Friday evening through Saturday afternoon he was at our UU church at a youth "con"  There were a lot of other UU youth there and he had an awesome time.  He also did not sleep all night!  He went to bed last night at 8:30 and at 7:30 this morning was still out.  You have no idea how rare that is!  Then this a.m. he was an usher at church and had his volunteer gig at an ecology center.  His night wraps up with the youth group helping our youth group make supper and play with kids that will be in a church homeless shelter.  A sister church has the space to be part of a group of churches that can offer accommodations to a number of families for 2 weeks each  year.  They do a great job, fixing rooms to look as much like real bedrooms as possible.  The sad reality is that the vast majority of participants are families.  And not necessarily single moms or dads, but often 2 parent families with two or more kids, who have been battered by the financial storms our country has faced. Our youth group does not just cook for the shelter participants. They eat with them and do crafts with the kids, giving a gift of friendship and caring that is as important as the bed they will sleep in.

As he enters his teen years, Rob has a self assurance and self awareness  that I wish Fiona had.  I know that a big part of her dx involves some mental health stuff that may have still existed if she had a more stable early childhood. But I can't help but wonder if she had been in our home by age 5 the way Rob was, if things could have been different for her.  The abuse, the stress, the multiple moves, the lost stuff, the reports not filed, my daughter has baggage so heavy I don't think I could carry it--let alone a young woman most recently labeled  as a victim of undocumented traumatic brain injury.

Rob's Away, Kiddos play!

Rob is off at a teen conference at our church.  He was part of the "con" planning committee and is leading a workshop on ultimate frisbee playing.  I have no idea what that is.  I have mastered catching a frisbee well enoughto play with the kids, but frisbees have never been my thing.  But I am proud that Rob wanted to be part of this, and I am proud that he wanted to be on a steering committee for it.   It is exciting to see his world widen.  His family is special to him and we still hold a key place in his life, but as it should, other people, other experiences, are also becoming increasingly important.  He talks about being an adult occasionally, and is beginning to focus on what he will do with his life.  He talks about lving away from home.  Not in an "I can't get out of here fast enough" type of way, but in a pretty normal teen kind of way.

Meanwhile back at the ranch the littles have stepped up to the plate with big bro gone for the weekend. (Rob left for this event last evening and won't be home till late this afternoon). They have very ahppily pitched in with pet care, and shopping chores but I know they are missing Rob.  Today was observation day at dance class though and that was pretty exciting for them.  KC is rocking his new jazz class.  It is the first time I have gotten to see him in action in the class.  He does really well in the tap and ballet classes, but he has a couple years experience with those.  But best of all, he seems really comfortable in the classes, really happy to be able to express himself through this art form.  After his class, he plays with a couple of boys whose younger sisters take the next class with Lissa.  We have been invited to set up a play date with one of the boys because he so enjoys spending time with KC.  I guess it is a bit of further proof that one can successfully socialize and not be enrolled in public school!  LOL

Happy Birthday Kirsty!

Today is my wife's birthday.  We will celebrate with Chinese food for supper and a decorated dining room, including the birthday mural that the kids and I made last night.  Actually we also baked the cake, wrapped the gifts and did almost everything last evening.  When special days fall on a weekday it gets a wee bit crazy around here. And Rob is away this weekennnd so we could not have the party on a different day.   We painted a garden on her birthday mural.  I sort of free handed some of them with paint and then I gave the kids markers and stickers and had them draw garden things and add embellishments as they saw fit.  Butterflies, birds caterpillers and ants appeared among the blossoms.  I loved watching them all work together and I loved the way it reminded me that each of them bring their own special gifts to our family and our lives.  If I am lucky, I will have time to post party pics!

Birthday Prep

K's birthday is the 9th.  I had told the kids that tonight we would be going to the party supply store to get decorating stuff.  We had talked at length about what to get her.  And we had decided--at least I THOUGHT we had decided on a gift certificate for yoga classes.  She loves yoga and counts on doing it every Wednesday.  Except that KC had other plans.  He announced on our way to the party supply store  that we had to stop at the craft store for what he needed.He was going to make khis mom a treasure box becuase everyone should have one of those.  Um, OK we go to the craft store.  Does he want a little box to paint and decorate?  Nope.  My laddie has his eyes on a box that one could probably put a loaf of bread in. LOL  I feel a tad desperate looking at the size.  He wants to paint the thing and then decorate it with stick on embellishments.  Did I say her birthday is the 9th?  And that this is the um, 7th? 

I try to guide KC to some smaller boxes.  He is having none of it.  Truly having no part of it.  Finally he turns to me and says, "Ooma this is my gift and it should be my decision to make."  When did my 7 year old get so wise?  .  I stood there, feeling really stupid.  Then I bought the bread box treasure box, and tonight he painted the dang thing.  We agreed that instead of story time tonight, he would use that time to get it painted so that tomorrow he can do the decorating.  It's going to be gorgeous!

Rob is out tonight at his girl friends sweet 16 party.  Watching him grow and mature, riding the crazy teen train--it is new for me.  Chet never had a girl friend.  Never had dates, or parties, and I spent a lot of time mourning that.  Part of me will always grieve for Chet in that regard.  I think that there is a part of him that wants something he can't figure out how to have.

But that doesn't stop me from also reveling in watching Rob grow up and try these things.  In his laconic, quiet way, he likes to share snippets of his life with me.  He is pretty fashion forward for a teen, which amazes me.  Partly because Chet was all about black and grunge for forever.  Partly because when I was a teen I was not fashion forward.  It was jeans and ripped sneakers and some kind of weird top.  But Rob has an innate style sense.  Tonight he chose to wear a suit, with a buffalo plaid shirt under it, and a  skinny black tie, silver grey sneakers and a fedora.  When I write it, it sounds weird. What is weirder, is that it was a very cool look!  LOL  I had to drive him to the party as K was still at work.  It was cool that the sharp dressed teen who got out of my car, took time to go around to the back and hug his little sister and brother good night, because they will have been in bed for hours when he gets home.

Rob and I do a lot of things together--he is a huge help around the house and we both enjoy our Friday night movie nights.  I watch him spreading his wings--he is trying to be accepted in a very neat student conservation program which could have him away from home and living in a national park for a month this summer.  I remember the scared little boy who became my son at 5 and I marvel at the young man he is becoming.  And at how fast they grow.  It is truly the blink of an eye.

Time to Shoot a Groundhog!

That pesky groundhog saw his shadow yesterday and not even the warm fires of Imbolc candles could help me forget that there will be 6 more weeks of winter!  I know that is all very silly as the part of the country where I live pretty much ALWAYS has 6 more weeks of winter.  And our winter has not been of the snowy magnitude of last yeasrs where our snow fall topped over 60 inches.  But I am just eager for warmer temps.  We have had a few teaser days, but last evening when the gang picked me up at work, there were snow showers.

However, despite the  groundhog, this should be a fun weekend.  Saturday evening, Rob has a sweet 16 party to go to for his girlfriend.  She told him he should wear dress shoes which cracked me up as Rob is king of the stylin' sneakers. So last night at his request, we went out looking for dress shoes.  And wound up laughing our heads off as he tried on pair after pair.  We found shoes that fit, but none that seemed like his style.  I finally said that maybe T. would not mind a nice pair of stylish sneaks. And we found a pair that don't really look sporty, but are silvery gray and have a nice sheen to them and which looked good on him.  So that will be what he wears to T.'s party tomorrow.  He has purchased a lovely locket for her so he has the gift all ready all covered.  While I helped Rob, the littles amused themselves with socks.  My kids love socks.  So we also left with a packet of brightly colored tie dye socks and a packet of socks with flowers on them. 

Fiona continues to improve but is still hospitalized at this point.  I am hoping she is back at the Great School by next week. 

And our van not only flunked inspection but has copious things wrong with it. We thought it was just the muffler system but that is as they say, the tip of the ice berg.  There were also 2 leaks from oil or coolant (I forget which) and one was leaking onto the exhaust manifold and could have caused a fire while we were driving.  Since in April, K is part of a van caravan of kids from our church to NYC for a weekend retreat, that was scary news.  There is something else wrong too but my ear flaps folded over and my eyes glazed by that time as the damages are all together nearly 2K.  Yipes!