Families R Built with Love

Thorn's most excellent initial post on race and white privilege reminded me that this is something that i think about often and perhaps don't write about . I am not sure if that is intentional on my part or not. Part of me is afraid I will not articulate the depth of my feelings in a way that makes sense. However, it is important. It is a part of our lives.

Before Robbie was 9, I had my first negative experience surrounding shopping. We were on vacation and were hiking at a wildlife sanctuary. Not the usual sanctuary near our home, but one in the western part of our state, with some wonderful things to see and explore. We had a lovely hike. KC was still a baby at the time, maybe a year and change if that. Post hike we stopped in the little gift shop to look for momentos of our visit. I remember that Rob picked out a book on hawks and raptors. He is an avid birder and the book was instantly the thing he wanted most. My Chet had a harder time deciding and I will give you that his disability makes him loud on occasion. I also should state for the record that the gift shop was watched by the same person who took care of incoming hikers, so it is possible she felt overwhelmed. (possible but not in my opinion really likely--even after all these years, this incident still bugs me)

Anyway, KC was tired and needed his diaper changed. Chet had finally made his decision on his purchase. I gave Kirsty the purcahses and she paid and left. It took a few minutes after that to round up the other two boys (you know how kids always see something intriguing) and take them and KC out of the building.. I was a bit ahead of Rob and Chet because I had the soggy baby. Luckily not too far ahead as I heard the woman at the gift shop say "Isn't there something you want to pay for?" in a very loud and carrying voice. When I turned, she was staring at my two boys. Rob was standing there with that "deer in the headlights" look that he gets when he is scared. Chet I could tell was going to launch into some kind of dissertation because he was ticked. But he never got a chance to open his mouth because I was waaaaay more ticked than he was.

My kids didn't even have on clothes with pockets. They had nothing in their hands. Exactly what was she referring to, I asked. The clerk sort of stammered around that she had seen them looking at things earlier. I said we had and had in fact paid for them all ready and that my wife had taken care of the purchase. The clerk tried to slide out of the sticky situation at this point by saying she didn't know, hadn't seen that we were together. While I agree that is possible, perhaps even likely, that still doesn't mean you address people in the manner she did. "did you find anything you wish to purchase? Could I help you with something? " All good choices of language that I pointed out to her. Hey I worked retail for years, I know a comment such as she made really means "I think you took something; fess up now." Clerk then told me she was a volunteer, as though you can be racist and/or insensitive if you aren't being paid. Needless to say, it was a conversation that just wasn't destined to go well. I decided that I had made my point to the clerk, my kids had seen my ire, it was time to go.

When we got home from vacation I wrote to the head of the state wildlife agency and outlined the experience and why I truly believed that the actions were discriminatory and racist. The fact that two of my children have attended ecology camps through this organization, and that at our local sanctuary we routinely attend homeschooling events, made it all feel even worse.

The plus side was that I very promptly got a letter back. Much of it I felt was real CYA on the agency's part. The clerk was a volunteer, supposedly newly hired. Supposedly overwhelmed by the vast number of people that day. (trust me in the hiking world there are just not vast numbers!) Despite all that, I know the powers there knew something was wrong, because they had now mandated racial sensitivity training for all their volunteers and this volunteer would not work in this capacity again until she had completed training.

I don't feel like we necessarily changed anyone's perceptions that day. But I do know my boys saw that as a parent I am aware, that I will not tolerate injustice and that my racism radar is always on. I am not arrogant enough to believe that I will always sense every situation, I have years of white privilege -- but I really really try to watch and be aware.